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♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:08,173
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:11,776
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,913
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:18,117
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,519
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:23,232
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:23,256 --> 00:00:24,856
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:30,028
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,148
We now return to...
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00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:43,641
Hey, bro!
12
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:46,445
Hey! You requesting a song
or ordering some sliced meat?
13
00:00:46,513 --> 00:00:48,746
Meat! Half a pound
of turkey, please.
14
00:00:48,815 --> 00:00:49,982
You want a sample?
15
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,749
You mean like a slice of turkey,
16
00:00:51,818 --> 00:00:53,952
or like a short section of
one musical recording
17
00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:56,955
that's been
digitally repurposed
to be part of a new song?
18
00:00:57,024 --> 00:00:59,958
I don't know.
I might quit this job.
19
00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:01,938
God, late-night
TV is all terrible.
20
00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:03,282
Oh, we don't have to watch this.
21
00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:06,131
We could turn to channel 875
and watch Conan.
22
00:01:06,199 --> 00:01:07,677
Here, let me see
what else is on.
23
00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:14,973
In honor of Sammy,
on the bus ride over here,
we all sat in the back.
24
00:01:18,345 --> 00:01:22,214
Lucille Ball was
back there with us,
and I saw her smoking a Cuban.
25
00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,116
Then Desi zipped up his fly.
26
00:01:27,154 --> 00:01:29,632
Whose
wedding is this?
It's hilarious.
27
00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:31,534
Peter, it's not a wedding,
it's an infomercial
28
00:01:31,558 --> 00:01:33,403
for The Dean Martin
Celebrity Roasts.
29
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:35,527
Wait, you mean Comedy Central
didn't invent those?
30
00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:36,828
No.
31
00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:38,608
Well, what about funny news?
Did they invent that?
32
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:40,610
Not really.
But they invented comedy.
33
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,434
They didn't invent anything.
34
00:01:42,502 --> 00:01:44,202
Well, they centralized it,
that we know.
35
00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:46,604
Man, look at these people.
They don't breathe.
36
00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:49,607
They just drink
and smoke and laugh.
I want to do that.
37
00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:51,521
What are you talking about?
You want to have a roast?
38
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:54,446
Yeah! Look,
he's the man of the hour.
Everybody loves him.
39
00:01:54,514 --> 00:01:57,049
They got his picture
in a circle.
How do they do that?
40
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,083
Pictures come in squares.
41
00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:04,823
Hey, Cleveland,
how tall are you?
42
00:02:04,891 --> 00:02:07,792
I don't know.
Cadillac come up
to about here on me.
43
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,961
All right, so I guess
I am the tallest one of us.
44
00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:11,430
What are you talking about?
45
00:02:11,498 --> 00:02:13,810
I'm 6' 2".
Says so right here on
my driver's license.
46
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,111
Yeah, that...
That doesn't count.
47
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,146
Why not?
You're gonna make me say it?
48
00:02:17,170 --> 00:02:19,671
Lay me out on the floor.
I'm 6' 2".
49
00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:20,740
Hey, you guys.
50
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:22,608
Peter, how tall am I?
51
00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:24,376
I don't know,
how tall is a mailbox?
52
00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:27,946
You're about a mailbox.
But listen,
I want you guys to roast me.
53
00:02:28,014 --> 00:02:29,826
What, you mean like
they do on TV?
54
00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:31,950
That's right, I want to be
the man of the hour.
55
00:02:32,018 --> 00:02:34,386
And I want all my pals to give
me a good ribbing.
56
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:36,955
Can we work blue,
like Marlin Johnson?
57
00:02:37,023 --> 00:02:38,890
Oh-Ee-Oh-Ee-Hey-Yo!
58
00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:40,726
Oh, you know it, homey!
59
00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,541
Huh, all right,
that could be fun.
60
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:46,631
Great. And you fellas
shouldn't pull any punches.
61
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:49,133
Just let me have it.
Nothing is off-limits.
62
00:02:49,202 --> 00:02:50,669
Geez, Peter,
63
00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:53,015
you're more excited
than Adrian Peterson
at an arboretum.
64
00:02:53,039 --> 00:02:55,206
Daddy,
what kind of tree is that?
65
00:02:55,276 --> 00:02:59,211
Man, I want to
beat you with so many
things around here.
66
00:03:06,153 --> 00:03:08,664
Ladies and gentlemenand people whohave wandered in
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00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:10,822
from the Chinese
wedding next door,
68
00:03:10,890 --> 00:03:13,325
welcome to
the roast of Peter Griffin,
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00:03:13,393 --> 00:03:15,860
with your roast master
Glenn Quagmire.
70
00:03:17,564 --> 00:03:19,409
Thank you, thank you,
thank you very much.
71
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:21,378
Joe, I'd tell you
to take your seat,
72
00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:23,312
but I'd be about
15 years too late.
73
00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:28,139
Ha! And we're off.
74
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:31,109
Well, what can I say about
the man of the hour,
Peter Griffin?
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00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:32,711
Oh, boy, here it comes.
76
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:34,912
Well, first off,
Peter's always been special.
77
00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:36,659
In high school,
he didn't play sports,
78
00:03:36,683 --> 00:03:37,883
but he did wear a helmet.
79
00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:44,767
All right,
that's kind of funny.
Tough, but fair.
80
00:03:44,791 --> 00:03:47,031
You know, Peter,
I love your chin,
but I got to ask.
81
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,438
What's it like going
through life
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00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:50,095
with a scrotum
so close to your mouth?
83
00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:52,603
You know what, hold on.
I'll just ask your
teenage daughter.
84
00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:58,170
That... That's inappropriate.
85
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:00,205
You know, Peter's challenging
the stereotype
86
00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:04,776
of Irish guys being fat,
drunk and stupid by throwing
"a little gay" in there, too.
87
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:06,011
Ooh!
88
00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,780
Oh, nice, homophobia.
89
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:11,127
But I got to say,
the worst part of
being Peter's friend
90
00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:14,619
is knowing that eventually
you're gonna have to be
the fat-ass's pallbearer.
91
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:16,387
Lift with the legs,
right, fellas?
92
00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:23,728
People think I'm fat?
93
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:26,209
But seriously,
everyone, let's have
a big round of applause
94
00:04:26,233 --> 00:04:28,933
for the real hero tonight,
Peter's chair.
95
00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:30,168
How you holding up, buddy?
96
00:04:32,872 --> 00:04:36,274
Two chair jokes in
the same monologue.
Sloppy.
97
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:43,782
Peter's got a small penis,
but hey,
nothing grows in the shade.
98
00:04:43,850 --> 00:04:45,350
"This just in..."
99
00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:47,497
Is what Peter had to say
to his wife
on their wedding night
100
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:49,231
so she knew it was
actually happening.
101
00:04:49,255 --> 00:04:50,822
Peter's so ugly,
102
00:04:50,890 --> 00:04:53,503
he couldn't get raped
in our holding cell
down at the station.
103
00:04:53,527 --> 00:04:54,870
For those of you who don't know,
104
00:04:54,894 --> 00:04:57,429
we have a real serious problem
with people getting raped
105
00:04:57,497 --> 00:04:59,537
in our holding cell
down at the station.
106
00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:01,899
- Hi, I'm Professor Comedy.
- No!
107
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,669
Boo!
108
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:05,236
Peter, you're loud,
109
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:08,206
you can't hold down a job,
and you got
high blood pressure.
110
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:11,977
You could be a black guy
if your ding-a-ling
wasn't so damn tiny.
111
00:05:12,046 --> 00:05:14,813
How does everyone know?
112
00:05:14,881 --> 00:05:17,148
Peter moves his lips
while he's reading,
113
00:05:17,217 --> 00:05:19,484
'cause he's trying
to eat the book.
114
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:21,152
Roasted!
115
00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:22,832
You know, as Lois's father,
116
00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:24,967
I hate the thought of her
having sex with Peter.
117
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:26,257
And so do I!
118
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,270
Damn it, Lois, you stepped
on my punch line!
119
00:05:28,294 --> 00:05:30,695
Shut up! You're drunk!
Stop serving her!
120
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:33,265
I asked Peter what
he got on his SATs.
121
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:34,665
He said, "Mayonnaise."
122
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:38,436
Peter's so fat and stupid,
Lamar Odom tried to fuck him.
123
00:05:44,577 --> 00:05:46,655
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
now that we've had our fun,
124
00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:50,115
it's time to give
our man of the hour
a chance to have his say.
125
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,661
Please put your
hands together
for Peter Griffin!
126
00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:57,789
Okay, yeah,
I got something to say.
127
00:05:57,857 --> 00:05:59,123
Screw all you guys!
128
00:05:59,193 --> 00:06:01,226
I hope you all
eat turds and die!
129
00:06:01,295 --> 00:06:03,628
None of you bastards
are my friends no more!
130
00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:09,701
Brian was the worst one.
131
00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:18,509
Family, I have
an announcement to make.
132
00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:19,677
Peter, we're eating.
133
00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:21,913
Just tell us what color it was
and be done with it.
134
00:06:21,981 --> 00:06:24,849
On account of
my buddies all being
nasty sons of bitches,
135
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:26,785
I've decided
I'm gonna find new friends.
136
00:06:26,853 --> 00:06:30,822
Oh, come on,
you're overreacting.
The roast was your idea.
137
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,668
You asked them to
make fun of you.
138
00:06:32,692 --> 00:06:34,492
Yeah, but I thought
they'd stick to material
139
00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:37,128
about how I'm too handsome
to work at a brewery,
140
00:06:37,196 --> 00:06:39,831
or how I have tiny
little baby sneezes.
141
00:06:41,267 --> 00:06:43,413
I'm sure it was all
meant in good fun.
142
00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:46,170
Yeah, it was supposed
to be fun,
but it was humiliating.
143
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,673
I felt like a premature volcano.
144
00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:51,909
I just think
you're a really cool island
and I'd like to get to know...
145
00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:56,814
Oh, God! Oh, I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry,
you're just so pretty.
146
00:06:56,883 --> 00:06:59,283
Please, don't tell
the other islands.
147
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:00,853
I've been thinking.
148
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,198
Maybe I got to find friends
149
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:03,599
who can't make fun
of my appearance
150
00:07:03,623 --> 00:07:06,024
'cause they're
weird-looking themselves.
151
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:10,028
Like those two bearded dwarves
walking across
the street there.
152
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:12,630
Hey, will you bearded dwarves
be friends with me?
153
00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:15,967
We, sir, are Italian children.
Good day.
154
00:07:20,206 --> 00:07:21,646
Thanks for hanging out with me.
155
00:07:21,707 --> 00:07:24,019
I never thought of
my kids' principal
as being a friend.
156
00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:26,377
Well, pal is right
there in the name, Peter.
157
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,613
Yeah.
Hey, it's cool you got
the keys to the school,
158
00:07:29,682 --> 00:07:31,327
and we can hang out when no
one else is here.
159
00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:32,716
What should we do?
160
00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:34,152
Oh, I got a few ideas.
161
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:38,089
Wow, I've never drank
so much milk in my life.
162
00:07:38,157 --> 00:07:39,390
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
163
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,658
What other ideas you got?
164
00:07:40,727 --> 00:07:42,738
How about this
second fridge of milk?
165
00:07:42,762 --> 00:07:44,629
Uh, how much milk do you drink?
166
00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:46,998
I just drink milk
until somebody stops me.
167
00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:53,238
I don't know.
168
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,551
Maybe I'm just
not meant to find
a new group of friends.
169
00:07:55,575 --> 00:07:57,587
Well, Peter,
you're always welcome
to hang out with me.
170
00:07:57,611 --> 00:07:59,288
Yeah, but I'm talking
about the kind of friend
171
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,713
that doesn't bark at horses
when I'm watching a movie.
172
00:08:01,781 --> 00:08:04,916
Fine, fine, you want to get
trampled in your living room?
Be my guest.
173
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,450
It's just...
174
00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:09,153
I don't know,
I don't seem to
fit in anywhere.
175
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:11,689
All right, I'm gonna
go get some more coffee
176
00:08:11,758 --> 00:08:13,958
and maybe a gross
microwaved sandwich.
177
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:18,529
Excuse me.
Can I please have another
no-foam latte?
178
00:08:18,598 --> 00:08:21,565
Uh, yeah, sure.
But, you know,
I don't work here.
179
00:08:21,634 --> 00:08:24,769
Oh, I'm sorry.
You look just like
one of the baristas.
180
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,404
He doesn't look
that much like me.
181
00:08:26,472 --> 00:08:28,406
I think she meant me.
182
00:08:28,474 --> 00:08:30,775
Oh. Oh, yeah.
I could see that.
183
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,176
Hey, we should make out.
184
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:33,477
You got it, mister.
185
00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:38,716
Double-foam, am I right?
186
00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:40,818
You're funny.
187
00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:43,287
Yeah. Oh, my God,
you're so twisted.
188
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:46,590
I'm Jamie,
and this is Becca and Karen.
You want to join us?
189
00:08:46,659 --> 00:08:47,991
Sure.
190
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:49,660
Great. We were just debating
191
00:08:49,729 --> 00:08:52,140
if Jamie should
hook up with this guy
she met a few nights ago.
192
00:08:52,164 --> 00:08:54,798
Okay, I want the deets,
like, yesterday.
193
00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:56,500
What the hell?
Did I just say that?
194
00:08:56,569 --> 00:08:59,637
You sure did.
You're a natural at this.
195
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,871
What is "this"?
196
00:09:00,940 --> 00:09:03,407
It's what we do!
197
00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:07,845
Wow, you know,
I know I just met you guys.
198
00:09:07,914 --> 00:09:10,915
But I've kind of been looking
for a new group of friends.
199
00:09:10,983 --> 00:09:12,828
Do you maybe have
room for one more?
200
00:09:12,852 --> 00:09:14,697
Are you good at talking
about how busy you are?
201
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,421
Because that's
a lot of what this is.
202
00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:17,867
Ugh, yeah, but don't talk to me
203
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,935
about anything until I've
had my morning coffee,
204
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:22,259
'cause it's like
I can't even deal.
205
00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:24,506
Well, I think I speak
for all of us when I say
206
00:09:24,530 --> 00:09:27,331
we'd love to have you
in our group of girlfriends.
207
00:09:27,399 --> 00:09:29,000
Oh, my God, that's awesome!
208
00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:32,103
Hey, can I the one
who laugh-screams
really loud at restaurants?
209
00:09:32,171 --> 00:09:34,411
As long as you're
picking up the check.
210
00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:38,208
Oh, we're gonna ruin
so many people's evenings!
211
00:09:38,277 --> 00:09:40,645
Oh, boy, I'm blending
right in with you gals.
212
00:09:40,713 --> 00:09:44,315
Like a panda bear on
a bed full of pillows.
213
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,818
I'm hiding from the zoo.
They want me to have a baby.
214
00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:48,786
I don't want to have a baby!
215
00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:55,704
Hey, isn't it funny
that you guys came
over for a dinner party,
216
00:09:55,728 --> 00:09:58,340
and all we're doing
is standing in the kitchen,
drinking wine?
217
00:09:58,364 --> 00:10:01,465
All our toothbrushes
were in that one woman's glass
this morning.
218
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:04,835
Ah, girls, it is so nice
to be part of a group again.
219
00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:06,304
And I'm having the best time.
220
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:08,973
Especially yesterday
when we all got mammograms.
221
00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:14,512
If I have cancer,
we're all going to Brazil.
222
00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:17,181
So what's for dinner?
You said we were
having Italian?
223
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:20,485
Yeah, and then I realized
I'm not good at
making fettuccine alfredo,
224
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,764
but I am good at
making reservations.
225
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:26,235
Do you get it?
Oh, God, I'm so bad.
226
00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:28,559
Stewie, it's time for your bath.
227
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,495
Oh, what's going on in here?
228
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:34,132
Oh, hey, Lois.
Hey, these are my new friends,
Jamie, Karen and Becca.
229
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:35,811
Karen's the one
with the mommy blog,
230
00:10:35,835 --> 00:10:38,302
so if you think you know her
from somewhere, that's where.
231
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,338
Oh, nice to meet you all.
232
00:10:40,406 --> 00:10:42,251
Would you like to
join us for dinner?
233
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:44,141
Oh, no, I don't want
to get in the way.
234
00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:47,144
Besides, I got to get
this little man in the tub.
235
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:49,680
Great. Now they're
all picturing my dick.
236
00:10:51,517 --> 00:10:54,918
Oh, thank God.
For a second, I thought
she was gonna come with us.
237
00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:57,600
What?
Seriously, Peter,
how do you live with her?
238
00:10:57,624 --> 00:10:59,857
I know, that voice. Ugh!
239
00:10:59,925 --> 00:11:03,327
And what is that hair color?
Creamy French Dressing?
240
00:11:05,865 --> 00:11:07,732
Oh, I love it.
I love it.
241
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:11,235
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, if you think that's funny
242
00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:13,604
she once had
a miscarriage outside a Petco.
243
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,851
I still have the security
camera footage somewhere.
244
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,945
Peter, I'm your conscience,
Jiminy Cricket.
245
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,347
Ahhh! Bug!
246
00:11:24,049 --> 00:11:27,217
Andrea, you set a place
for Jiminy again.
247
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:30,288
Oh. So I did.
248
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:34,625
Why?
Why did he have to go around
telling strangers what to do?
249
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,961
Wasn't being
a pediatric oncologist
enough for him?
250
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:43,967
He hit on me at your wedding.
251
00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:52,621
Ah, let's see, what else?
What else?
252
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:54,223
What else?
Oh, I got one. I got one.
253
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:57,214
Lois tried to give CPR
to a kid at a wedding once,
254
00:11:57,283 --> 00:12:01,451
and when she knelt down,
she accidentally high-heeled
her own stink hole.
255
00:12:03,422 --> 00:12:05,222
Peter, your wife is such a pig.
256
00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:06,735
Oh, I don't know
about that, Jamie.
257
00:12:06,759 --> 00:12:08,993
Pigs eat slop,
Lois only cooks it.
258
00:12:10,796 --> 00:12:13,575
What the hell?
Peter, can I speak
with you for a second?
259
00:12:13,599 --> 00:12:17,067
Oh, hang on, guys,
I got to talk to my dog.
260
00:12:17,136 --> 00:12:19,682
What the hell are you doing?
I'm just gabbing
with the girls.
261
00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:23,273
You know our cycles
have lined up?
Mine's from wiping too hard.
262
00:12:23,342 --> 00:12:25,276
You're saying
horrible things about Lois.
263
00:12:25,344 --> 00:12:26,955
Oh, yeah,
it cracks up the ladies.
264
00:12:26,979 --> 00:12:30,114
Yesterday, Karen laughed
so hard she popped
a button on her jeans.
265
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:31,482
And then she cried.
266
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:34,117
Peter, Lois is your wife.
You should be defending her,
267
00:12:34,186 --> 00:12:36,554
not talking trash
and gossiping behind her back
268
00:12:36,622 --> 00:12:38,923
like some kind of
Midwestern teenager.
269
00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:41,303
Did you gals hear
about Ally Gallagher?
270
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:44,395
She let Allan Ackerman
smack her in the back
with his tally whacker
271
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:46,431
behind the snack shack.
What?
272
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:49,934
Nobody here in Maryland
understands a single word
you're saying.
273
00:12:50,002 --> 00:12:51,580
You should move
back to Minnesota.
274
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:56,340
I can't go back. I Snapchatted
Matt Gackerack
a Kodak of my ass crack.
275
00:13:00,579 --> 00:13:04,015
Hey, Lois? I did something bad
I need to tell you about.
276
00:13:04,083 --> 00:13:05,750
Peter, I know.
277
00:13:05,818 --> 00:13:09,053
You used some of my magazines
for your fake ransom notes.
It's okay.
278
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:12,389
No, no, no, no, that's not it.
But did you put the
ice cream where the guy said?
279
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,236
Because he will
hurt your family.
280
00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:16,994
Look, the thing is,
me and my new girlfriends,
281
00:13:17,063 --> 00:13:20,698
we've kind of been
talking trash about you
and laughing behind your back.
282
00:13:20,766 --> 00:13:23,901
Peter, of course
your new friends have
been talking crap about me.
283
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:25,336
That's what women do.
284
00:13:25,404 --> 00:13:28,439
What? So you're not mad?
285
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:29,974
Well, I'm not thrilled,
286
00:13:30,042 --> 00:13:32,477
but I understand
what it's like
to be friends with women.
287
00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:35,145
I'm sure they talk trash
about you behind your back.
288
00:13:35,214 --> 00:13:37,081
They most certainly do not!
289
00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:38,683
I guarantee you
290
00:13:38,751 --> 00:13:40,830
that as soon as
you leave the room,
they tear you to shreds.
291
00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:43,365
That's not true.
If it was,
I would've figured it out.
292
00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:46,469
Just like I figured out
who was stealing
my lunch at work.
293
00:13:48,794 --> 00:13:51,662
Next time there's a sandwich
in the fridge with
somebody's name on it,
294
00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:53,197
don't eat it, scumbag!
295
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:54,565
Please, you don't understand!
296
00:13:54,633 --> 00:13:55,966
Oh, I understand.
297
00:13:56,035 --> 00:13:59,270
That lunch didn't have
your name on it,
but this bullet does.
298
00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:04,976
My name is Peter, too!
299
00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:12,749
Ugh, have you guys seen
the new Jessica Biel movie?
300
00:14:12,818 --> 00:14:14,763
I don't get what men see in her.
301
00:14:14,787 --> 00:14:16,453
Um, her dumper?
302
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:18,889
I just think she's
really plain-looking.
303
00:14:18,958 --> 00:14:20,424
She kind of annoys me.
304
00:14:20,492 --> 00:14:23,193
You know who's
really beautiful?
Joan Allen.
305
00:14:23,262 --> 00:14:25,663
Yes!
Uh, stunning.
306
00:14:25,731 --> 00:14:30,434
Yeah, uh, I think,
um, I'm maybe gonna go
use the restroom
307
00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:33,437
and let you guys talk about
whatever you're
gonna talk about.
308
00:14:38,077 --> 00:14:40,055
Huh, I guess Peter
made it to the bathroom,
309
00:14:40,079 --> 00:14:42,023
'cause I can't feel
him walking anymore.
310
00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:45,349
I know.
"Fee-fi-fo-fum!" Right?
311
00:14:49,088 --> 00:14:51,455
And what about
those drugstore glasses?
312
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,135
These aren't drugstore glasses,
313
00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:55,660
they came from a doctor
Halloween costume.
314
00:14:57,830 --> 00:15:00,964
Lois was right.
They are making fun
of me behind my back.
315
00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:03,434
They're like a nasty wolf pack.
316
00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:06,937
Hey, man, just a heads-up
instead of howling
at the moon tonight,
317
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:10,007
we're all gonna yell
"cock-a-doodle-doo!"
318
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:11,708
Really? That seems weird.
319
00:15:11,777 --> 00:15:15,257
I'm just trying
to make sure you
don't look silly.
320
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,851
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
321
00:15:22,955 --> 00:15:25,255
What an idiot!
He actually believed me!
322
00:15:25,324 --> 00:15:27,858
That's what a rooster says,
not a wolf!
323
00:15:31,463 --> 00:15:33,363
Hi, Daddy!
How was howling at the moon?
324
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:36,734
Shut up!
Why aren't you asleep?
Why isn't he asleep?
325
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:39,503
Leave him alone!
Have you been
drinking again, Phil?
326
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:42,272
That's none of your business!
I never wanted a cub!
327
00:15:42,341 --> 00:15:45,810
Get out! Get out now
and don't ever come back!
328
00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:50,680
Hey, buddy, want to get high?
329
00:15:56,055 --> 00:15:58,188
Oh, my God. Phil?
330
00:15:58,257 --> 00:16:00,023
Hey... Robert.
331
00:16:00,092 --> 00:16:01,759
Wow. Ah...
332
00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:04,194
Hey, listen, man...
333
00:16:04,263 --> 00:16:06,396
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
334
00:16:16,842 --> 00:16:18,720
Cock-a-doodle-doo
is a passion project
335
00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:20,544
I'd been mulling over for years,
336
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:23,514
and when Family Guy
gave me
the opportunity to shoot it,
337
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:25,294
I knew there was only one actor
338
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:26,928
who could portray
Phil, the Wolf.
339
00:16:26,952 --> 00:16:28,485
Glenn Quagmire.
340
00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:31,355
Peter gave me
a beer that tasted funny,
and when I woke up,
341
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:33,557
I was wearing lipstick
and a wolf suit.
342
00:16:38,097 --> 00:16:39,664
Lois, you were right.
343
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,632
Those women were
talking about me.
344
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:43,534
Oh, dear. What did they say?
345
00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:45,614
I don't even remember,
there was such a long cutaway,
346
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:47,070
but I know it was really mean.
347
00:16:47,139 --> 00:16:48,906
Oh, I'm so sorry, Peter.
348
00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:50,240
So what do I do now?
349
00:16:50,309 --> 00:16:53,010
Confront them face-to-face
and explain why I'm angry?
350
00:16:53,079 --> 00:16:54,279
Of course not.
351
00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:57,280
Being friends with women
is way more complex than that.
352
00:16:57,349 --> 00:16:59,583
You need to be
more underhanded and vicious.
353
00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:03,220
You and I will get revenge
on those bitches, lady-style.
354
00:17:03,288 --> 00:17:05,589
Really? We'll do it together?
355
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:09,693
Yeah, it'll be fun.
Like when we watched
Battlestar Galactica together.
356
00:17:10,629 --> 00:17:12,562
Now, which Cylon is that?
357
00:17:12,631 --> 00:17:14,531
Ah, I don't know.
I think it's Number Six.
358
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,667
Wait, is that the same
Number Six that had sex
with Dr. Baltar?
359
00:17:17,736 --> 00:17:21,338
I've been watching this
the same exact amount of time
you have, Lois.
360
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:22,806
I don't know anything you don't.
361
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,420
Oh, what does
that green button
on the far panel do?
362
00:17:25,444 --> 00:17:28,812
How in God's name
would I know that?
I don't know!
363
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,615
It's green, so it probably
makes something go.
364
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:36,653
Hello?
365
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:38,767
Peter, where are you?
I thought we were
gonna go after Becca.
366
00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:41,258
Way ahead of you, Lois.
I just cut her brakes.
367
00:17:41,327 --> 00:17:43,961
What? Don't you think
that's a little dangerous?
368
00:17:44,029 --> 00:17:46,508
Hey, you're the onewho said we shouldtry to ruin her marriage.
369
00:17:46,532 --> 00:17:49,211
She bangs up her car,her husband'sgonna be furious.
370
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,102
What was that?
371
00:17:51,170 --> 00:17:54,238
Oh, I just ran a red light.My car won't slowdown for some reason.
372
00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:57,874
Anyway,this is gonna be awesome.Geez, I'm going, like, 95.
373
00:17:57,943 --> 00:18:00,144
Peter, are you sure
you didn't cut your brakes?
374
00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:01,990
That's ridiculous.
Why would I cut my own...
375
00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:03,247
Kids, get out of the way!
376
00:18:03,316 --> 00:18:04,526
I can't stop!
377
00:18:07,853 --> 00:18:09,498
All right, Peter, next is Jamie.
378
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:11,655
Now, what's the most important
thing in her life?
379
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:14,758
Oh, that's easy.
Her daughter Emily is
a competitive diver.
380
00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:16,193
The whole family's dream
381
00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:18,341
is that she gets a spot
on the US Olympic Team.
382
00:18:18,397 --> 00:18:21,765
Okay, so get a lead pipe
and bust this girl's kneecaps.
383
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:24,634
No, no, no, Lois.
That's not how
we're gonna do this.
384
00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:28,605
♪ Out on the streets,
that's where we'll meet
385
00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:32,509
♪ You make the night,
I always cross the line
386
00:18:32,578 --> 00:18:36,179
♪ Tightened our belts,
abused ourselves
387
00:18:36,248 --> 00:18:40,918
♪ Get in our way, we'll
put you on your shelf ♪
388
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:48,826
♪ Round and round
389
00:18:48,894 --> 00:18:52,696
♪ With love we'll find
a way just give it time
390
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:56,466
♪ Round and round
391
00:18:56,535 --> 00:18:58,802
♪ What comes
around goes around
392
00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:01,571
♪ I'll tell you why
393
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,040
♪ Yeah ♪
394
00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:28,265
That's how we're gonna do this.
395
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:35,606
Okay, next is Karen.
396
00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:38,119
Now, she's been planning
her daughter's
wedding for a year.
397
00:19:38,143 --> 00:19:40,711
If it doesn't go perfectly,
she'll be crushed.
398
00:19:40,779 --> 00:19:43,547
Already on it, Lois.
I bribed one of the busboys.
399
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:45,749
He has a little surprise
planned for her.
400
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,618
Oh, my God!
401
00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:49,285
Somebody stabbed the groom!
402
00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:57,160
Oh, no, it's not a perfect day.
403
00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:01,398
Well, we got
those bitches good,
huh, Peter?
404
00:20:01,467 --> 00:20:03,867
Yeah, thanks, Lois.
And you were right.
405
00:20:03,902 --> 00:20:07,671
Being friends with women
is way too complicated
and way too intense for me.
406
00:20:07,739 --> 00:20:10,640
Now let me just pay the busboy
and we can get out of here.
407
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:13,343
Ah! I knew he didn't
understand the plan!
408
00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:21,685
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Peter.
409
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:25,155
Look, I'm real sorry
I got so worked up
at my roast.
410
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:29,459
And if you're willing,
I'd like to be friends
with you guys again.
411
00:20:29,528 --> 00:20:32,996
Because men might
punch you in the gut
and call you a fat idiot,
412
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:35,666
but at least they
do it to your face
and own it.
413
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:36,911
You were mad at us?
414
00:20:36,935 --> 00:20:38,302
Yeah, we ain't spoke in a week.
415
00:20:38,371 --> 00:20:39,715
I thought you were out of town.
416
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:42,806
People come, people go.
I didn't give no mind.
417
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:44,908
So we're friends again?
418
00:20:44,977 --> 00:20:46,910
We were never not friends,
you idiot.
419
00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:49,780
I love you guys.
Guys are the best.
420
00:20:49,848 --> 00:20:51,114
Not women.
34282
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