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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:08,173
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:11,843
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,912 --> 00:00:14,913
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:18,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:21,486
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,554 --> 00:00:23,054
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:23,123 --> 00:00:24,923
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:29,894
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,435
We now return to
Hard Knocks CFL:
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00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:39,738
Training Camp with
the Toronto Argonauts.
12
00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:41,551
I hope you make it.
You're real good.
13
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:43,954
No way,not as good as you.I hope you make it.
14
00:00:43,978 --> 00:00:45,455
What're you gonna do
with all your money?
15
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:46,957
Oh, probably just save it.
16
00:00:46,981 --> 00:00:50,849
Yeah, that's real smart.
Well, back to my book.
17
00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:52,550
Peter, I was at
the park with Stewie,
18
00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:54,619
and someone stole his tricycle.
19
00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:56,054
And during, like, the one second
20
00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:58,189
I was looking down at my phone
and not at him.
21
00:00:58,258 --> 00:01:02,761
Stupid thief.
It's got a vanity plate
that won't even apply to him.
22
00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:06,765
Hey. You like your
reggae watered down
and acceptable at a wedding?
23
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,533
Hop on.
24
00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:10,869
Ugh, can't believe somebody
stole Stewie's trike.
25
00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:13,016
I only had nine payments
left on that thing.
26
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:14,239
How much do you make?
27
00:01:14,307 --> 00:01:16,620
Don't worry, Lois,
I'm gonna find
that tricycle.
28
00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:19,555
I'll just have
four to five beers
to stop the shaking,
29
00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:20,979
and then I'll go outside.
30
00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:28,053
Huh, never seen that kid
around the neighborhood.
31
00:01:28,121 --> 00:01:29,721
Maybe he's got
something to do with it.
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00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:31,257
Hey, kid.
33
00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:32,735
You know anything
about a tricycle
34
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,571
that just got
stolen from the park?
35
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:37,541
No, sir, I've been sitting
here for the last three hours
selling lemonade.
36
00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:39,097
Would you like
an ice-cold glass?
37
00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:40,365
Why, sure.
38
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,214
You couldn't have been here
for three hours on this,
39
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:45,682
the hottest day of the year,
40
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:47,384
or the ice cubes
in your pitcher
would have melted.
41
00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:48,873
Ow...
42
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,654
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say...
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00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:52,556
Peter, Peter!
We can't arrest him.
44
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:54,391
If anything,
they can arrest you.
45
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:56,014
Hey, here's the tricycle.
46
00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:58,583
You were right, Peter.
This kid's a thief.
47
00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:00,152
We did it!
48
00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:02,532
Wow, look at us.
Hey, you know,
we make a great team, guys.
49
00:02:02,556 --> 00:02:04,356
Like Huey Lewis and the Jews.
50
00:02:05,258 --> 00:02:06,558
♪ We don't need money ♪
51
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,627
Sorry, the band's breaking up.
52
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:12,964
Here you go, Stewie.
53
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:15,211
Don't bother
sniffing the seat.
It don't smell like nothing.
54
00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:17,969
Oh, yeah, my trike.
I'm kind of over that thing.
55
00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:21,039
Now I'm way into wooden beads
you move along wires.
56
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:22,809
Whoa.
57
00:02:23,376 --> 00:02:25,677
Oh, yeah.
58
00:02:25,745 --> 00:02:27,824
Boy, when you find
a baby's tricycle,
59
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,859
it feels like there's
nothing you can't do.
60
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:31,494
Man, I wish we
could quit our jobs
61
00:02:31,518 --> 00:02:33,729
and solve children's
crimes full-time.
62
00:02:33,753 --> 00:02:35,731
I heard you guys are
good at solving cases.
63
00:02:35,755 --> 00:02:38,501
I'll give you
50 cents to find
my lucky baseball card.
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00:02:38,525 --> 00:02:40,725
Guys, we're in business.
65
00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:42,527
All right!
66
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,796
Wait a minute, I didn't notice
you have a pierced ear.
67
00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:46,230
We can't help you.
68
00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:47,610
You go home and tell your mother
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00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:49,701
she's supposed to be a parent,
not a friend.
70
00:02:54,274 --> 00:02:56,141
All right, guys,
this'll be the headquarters
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00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:58,009
for our new detective agency.
72
00:02:58,078 --> 00:03:00,111
This milk crate
will be my chair,
73
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,147
this overturned rain barrel
will be my desk,
74
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:04,977
and this
DNA evidence centrifuge
and fingerprint scanner
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00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,751
will be my coat rack.
76
00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:08,787
Piece of junk.
77
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:11,568
I guess all our
detective agency
needs now is a name.
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00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:14,158
Well, we're detectives
solving children's crimes.
79
00:03:14,227 --> 00:03:15,994
There's only one name
that makes sense.
80
00:03:16,063 --> 00:03:17,640
"Dicks for Kids"?
"Dicks for Kids."
81
00:03:17,664 --> 00:03:20,031
But wait, we want people
to know we're grown-ups.
82
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,532
Okay, "Big Dicks For Kids."
83
00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:23,379
But we don't want
to sound too old.
84
00:03:23,403 --> 00:03:25,848
They're gonna think
we're a bunch of old,
bald geezers.
85
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,138
"Big Hairy Dicks
for Kids."
86
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,142
How are we gonna let
them know we're "veiny"?
87
00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:34,979
So, you say this gumball
machine took your dime
88
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,192
and didn't give you a gumball?
89
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,293
That's right.
90
00:03:37,317 --> 00:03:38,661
Well, I'll take care of that.
91
00:03:38,685 --> 00:03:40,719
Hand over the dime, buddy.
92
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:41,997
Come on, hand it over.
93
00:03:42,021 --> 00:03:44,534
Don't make this
hard on yourself.
Wait a minute.
94
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:47,792
This gumball machine
takes quarters, not dimes.
95
00:03:47,861 --> 00:03:49,272
Holy crap, it's a setup.
96
00:03:49,296 --> 00:03:51,463
Time to make a quick getaway.
97
00:03:57,671 --> 00:04:00,138
You were set up,
too, huh?
Yeah.
98
00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:04,442
You realize
that kid is plowing
both our wives right now.
99
00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:08,180
So, what do we got today, boys?
100
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,359
Well, it seems like
we got a bit
of a crime spree.
101
00:04:10,383 --> 00:04:13,819
Just this morning,
we've had multiple
reports of stolen items.
102
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:17,422
Couple marbles,
ball of yarn,
two Wiffle ball bats.
103
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:22,060
Someday a rain'll come
and wash all this
scum off the streets.
104
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:24,274
Guys, I think
I got a lead on
all these thefts.
105
00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:27,578
One of the kids
had a nanny-cam
hidden in his room.
106
00:04:30,403 --> 00:04:32,937
Come on, let's do it
on your son's tiny bed.
107
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,572
Hurry, he gets home
at 3:00.
108
00:04:34,641 --> 00:04:36,408
Okay, it's later than this.
109
00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:37,809
Yeah, fast-forward ahead.
110
00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:39,522
Forward. Forward.
Keep forwarding.
111
00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:41,324
Is that woman gonna be okay?
112
00:04:41,348 --> 00:04:43,726
Yeah, yeah, she's fine.
We're having
brunch after this.
113
00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:46,084
God, I look huge
in that bed, don't I?
114
00:04:46,152 --> 00:04:47,730
You think other guys hang out
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00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:50,755
and watch their friend's
naked gyrating butt?
116
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:53,836
It's been so long,
I don't know what
other friends do.
117
00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:55,938
Forwarding,
forwarding,
forwarding...
118
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,862
And there we go.
Our thief.
119
00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:06,571
Chris Gaines was Garth Brooks.
I just figured that out.
120
00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:11,843
Oh, my God,
Chris stole all that stuff.
121
00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:13,411
No way, he wouldn't do that.
122
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,381
Peter, Chris is on the tape.
We got to search his bedroom.
123
00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:17,915
Fine, go ahead.
124
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,462
But I'm telling you,
it's gonna be
a bigger waste of time
125
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,987
than writing
tough-guy dialogue
for a Jet Li movie.
126
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:35,266
This is your last warning.
Give me back my wife.
127
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,001
What? Excuse me?
128
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,415
Give me back my wife,
or you're in
a lot of trouble.
129
00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:41,639
I'll kick all your faces.
You got me?
130
00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:44,776
You're kind of undoing
everything you just did
when you kicked my ass.
131
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,378
I know, but I have
to say for audience.
132
00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:58,890
Chris still has
an Aaron Hernandez
poster up? That's not cool.
133
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,294
See, there's nothing here.
134
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,207
Just a weird
life-sized lady doll
135
00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:06,271
made out of all the stuff
that got stolen.
136
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:12,771
No! Don't hurt Heather.
Don't hurt my girlfriend.
137
00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:14,005
What the hell?
138
00:06:14,073 --> 00:06:15,339
Chris made a sex doll?
139
00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:17,409
Your kid's got a walk-in closet?
140
00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:19,711
Two of mine gotta
sleep in the car.
141
00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:29,087
Chris is still in his room
with that disgusting
homemade sex doll.
142
00:06:29,156 --> 00:06:31,122
He actually thinks
it's his girlfriend.
143
00:06:31,190 --> 00:06:32,523
I know, it's weird.
144
00:06:32,592 --> 00:06:35,712
It's even weirder
than that secret level
in Donkey Kong.
145
00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:49,835
Maybe it's our fault
146
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:52,938
Chris has such
a screwed-up idea
about what a relationship is.
147
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,239
I mean, let's be honest,
148
00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:56,507
we're not exactly the model
of a healthy marriage.
149
00:07:56,576 --> 00:07:59,510
Oh, boy, is this
'cause of the time I pushed
off of you after sex
150
00:07:59,579 --> 00:08:01,046
and bruised your boob?
151
00:08:01,114 --> 00:08:03,982
No, I mean,
when was the last time
you bought me flowers,
152
00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:05,450
or we had a date night?
153
00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:07,118
We do stuff.
154
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:10,627
Just last week, I let you
watch me complain after
eating too many hot wings.
155
00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:15,694
Why did you let me
do this, Lois? Why?
156
00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:18,797
Okay, Peter,
I got to take the kids
to school now.
157
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:27,372
Hey, Chris, your mother
wanted me to talk to you.
Um...
158
00:08:27,441 --> 00:08:29,006
She doesn't think it's healthy
159
00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:31,487
for you to be
spending all your time
with a homemade sex doll.
160
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,278
Sex doll? I wish.
161
00:08:33,347 --> 00:08:35,547
Heather hasn't even
let me get to second base.
162
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:37,749
Hang on.
What's second base?
163
00:08:37,817 --> 00:08:40,051
Is that touching
one of the cabbages?
164
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,453
Yeah.
165
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:44,456
But I'm such a loser,
she'll never let me do that.
166
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,524
Come on, Chris,
don't sell yourself short.
167
00:08:46,593 --> 00:08:48,927
You are every bit as good
as that bag of garbage.
168
00:08:48,995 --> 00:08:50,461
You really think so?
169
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,096
Sure, I do.
170
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:53,676
And look, if you really
want to learn how
to bang that thing,
171
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:56,034
there's no better teacher
than your old dad.
172
00:08:56,102 --> 00:08:58,202
After all, I'm the guy
who taught old Asian people
173
00:08:58,271 --> 00:08:59,437
how to get on the subway.
174
00:09:02,308 --> 00:09:05,176
Out of the way!
Nobody else matters!
175
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,711
All right, you made it.
176
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,991
Now twirl that long hair
sticking out of
your face mole.
177
00:09:09,015 --> 00:09:11,416
And cough.
Cough like you
never coughed before.
178
00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:20,937
Okay, Chris, now,
women really dig those
firemen calendars.
179
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:25,129
So, we're gonna go inside
and get some sexy shots
of you doing fireman stuff.
180
00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:27,665
♪ Well, I'm hot blooded
181
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:30,167
♪ Check it and see
182
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:34,472
♪ I got a fever of 103
183
00:09:34,541 --> 00:09:38,243
♪ Come on, baby
Do you do more than dance
184
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:41,379
♪ I'm hot blooded,
I'm hot blooded
185
00:09:45,184 --> 00:09:47,318
♪ You don't have
to read my mind ♪
186
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:51,589
Look, Heather.
187
00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:53,724
The truth is,
I don't care if we never
188
00:09:53,793 --> 00:09:56,227
take it to the next level,
physically.
189
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:59,130
I just really like
spending time with you.
190
00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:03,234
Oh! Wow.
191
00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:06,237
I'm gonna have to write
to somebody about this.
192
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:09,307
"Dear Penthouse, I used to
think these letters were fake
193
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:13,812
"until my taped-together
soccer-ball-headed
girlfriend fell in my lap."
194
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:15,880
Hey, do we still
have a magazine?
195
00:10:21,921 --> 00:10:23,621
Good morning, everybody.
196
00:10:23,690 --> 00:10:27,625
I think Heather
will be eating breakfast
standing up this morning,
197
00:10:27,694 --> 00:10:29,827
if you know what I mean.
198
00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:32,208
Peter, I thought
you were gonna
take care of this.
199
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:34,510
You were supposed to
make Chris get rid
of that doll.
200
00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:36,334
I did take care of it.
He slept with it,
201
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:39,270
and now he'll slowly
grow to hate it
over the next 20 years.
202
00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:42,640
This is all your fault.
You never listen
to anything I say.
203
00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:44,687
Look, you told me
to talk to him.
I talked to him.
204
00:10:44,711 --> 00:10:46,311
And now you're
nagging me about it?
205
00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:49,313
God, you're more annoying
than a creative
voicemail message.
206
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:55,987
♪ Joe is on
a vacation far away
207
00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:59,324
♪ You called him up
to talk it over
208
00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:03,361
♪ So many things
that you want to say
209
00:11:03,429 --> 00:11:06,965
♪ Leave your message
when the beep is over
210
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:11,236
♪ I don't wantto miss your callTonight ♪
211
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:18,542
♪ I already missed your call
Tonight ♪
212
00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:23,614
I... I can't
remember who I called.
213
00:11:27,887 --> 00:11:29,119
Oh, Lois, thank God!
214
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,556
Listen, I can't decide what
I want for breakfast tomorrow.
215
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:33,135
Can you make me a sample tray?
216
00:11:33,159 --> 00:11:35,671
You know what, Peter?
I'm not talking
to you right now.
217
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:36,939
You screwed up bad with Chris.
218
00:11:36,963 --> 00:11:38,541
And you still haven't apologized
219
00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:40,109
for the way you
treated me earlier.
220
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,166
Oh, come on, Lois.
I'll make it up to you.
221
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:43,834
Maybe sooner than you know.
222
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:51,909
Oh, Peter! They're beautiful!
You're such a sweetheart.
223
00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:53,344
Read the card.
224
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:56,180
"To Heather,
from Chris?"
225
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:58,583
Oh, I thought it might
have a funny riddle on it.
226
00:11:58,652 --> 00:12:00,919
Oh, good, the flowers came!
227
00:12:00,987 --> 00:12:04,556
We're just cocooning today
because Heather said
she's never seen TV.
228
00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:07,258
So, we're starting
with Season 6 of Becker.
229
00:12:07,326 --> 00:12:10,428
I'm just gonna be easing her in.
230
00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:14,465
Lois, before
you say anything,
I also got you a gift.
231
00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:17,535
It's a Katherine Heigl mask
for you to wear
while we have sex.
232
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,715
She's perfect,
because she's
only sort of hot,
233
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,752
so there won't be this
crazy disconnect of
her face on your body,
234
00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:24,219
which would totally
take me out of it.
235
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:27,156
Also, it's designed
so you can wear it
on your butt.
236
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,347
Heather,
I made your favorite cookies.
237
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,549
And now I want to
hear all about your day.
238
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:35,319
Hey, Lois, I heard
Katherine Heigl
likes to French kiss.
239
00:12:36,355 --> 00:12:38,055
Oh, my God!
240
00:12:38,124 --> 00:12:41,625
Chris treats that pile of junk
better than Peter treats me!
241
00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:43,873
What's the matter, Lois?
Need to get in the mood?
242
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:47,165
How about a little
help from Kenny G?
243
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:04,048
I wonder if Cleveland's
gonna want his sax back.
244
00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:13,436
Oh, hi, Chris.
Where have you been?
245
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,593
Heather and I went
for a tandem bike ride.
246
00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:17,728
And then had lunch
at a gastropube.
247
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:18,829
Nope.
248
00:13:18,898 --> 00:13:20,565
Huh. Sounds like fun.
249
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,244
What have you guys been up to?
250
00:13:22,268 --> 00:13:25,269
Your father got a DVD
of black people
fighting in the street.
251
00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:28,406
It's not just in the street.
Some of them are in
private residences.
252
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:30,007
Oh, well, tomorrow,
253
00:13:30,076 --> 00:13:33,143
Heather and I are
going to the park
to picnic and fly kites.
254
00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:35,312
And on Saturday,
she's hosting her book club,
255
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:39,183
so I have to drop by,
say something funny,
and then stay upstairs.
256
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:42,520
Wow, your plans sound
very sweet and romantic,
Chris.
257
00:13:42,588 --> 00:13:44,722
And how a man
should treat his woman.
258
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:47,951
Oh, Lois, your breath
smells like eggs.
Talk that way.
259
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,930
Chris, when you go
on your picnic tomorrow,
260
00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:53,776
can your father and I
come with you?
261
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,301
Let me just ask Heather.
262
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:58,236
I know, but I think we better.
263
00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:00,571
Apparently the cancer's
already in his bones.
264
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,341
What?
We'd love to.
Sounds great!
265
00:14:04,443 --> 00:14:06,021
What are you doing?
You can't let him
266
00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:07,545
keep thinking that doll is real.
267
00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:09,892
I know.
But I just want
Peter to see
268
00:14:09,916 --> 00:14:12,956
what a thoughtful man
looks like
for one afternoon.
269
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:14,429
Maybe he'll learn something.
270
00:14:14,453 --> 00:14:17,154
Are you sure about this?
It seems pretty extreme.
271
00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:18,734
Well, I got to try something.
272
00:14:18,758 --> 00:14:20,803
Peter and I used to be so close.
273
00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:22,804
But now we're like
apples and oranges.
274
00:14:22,828 --> 00:14:25,662
People say we're different.
But we're really
not that different.
275
00:14:25,731 --> 00:14:27,509
Yeah, we both work in marketing.
276
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:28,878
We've both lost children.
277
00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:30,779
We both own cars,
but we like
to take the bus.
278
00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:32,904
And we both cheat
at Words With Friends.
279
00:14:32,972 --> 00:14:35,206
Oh, nice try!
I certainly do not!
280
00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:38,376
And we're both gonna
have a moderate time
at the party tonight.
281
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:40,122
And we're not gonna
count each other's drinks.
282
00:14:40,146 --> 00:14:43,247
We won't have to
because we won't
be drinking.
283
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:50,855
Wow, it sure is fun
going on a picnic,
isn't it, Peter?
284
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,735
Yeah. Will you
hold this beer bottle
285
00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:54,603
while I try to
kick the top off it?
286
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:55,993
Ow! Damn it!
287
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,182
You moved it.
288
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:02,533
♪ Raindrops are
falling on my head
289
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:07,838
♪ And just likethe guy whose feetAre too big for his bed
290
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,074
♪ Nothing seems to fit
291
00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:13,811
♪ Those raindrops
are falling on my head
292
00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:16,080
♪ They keep falling
293
00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:20,517
♪ Because I'm free
294
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:23,621
♪ Nothing's worrying
295
00:15:23,689 --> 00:15:26,057
♪ Me ♪
296
00:15:28,127 --> 00:15:31,663
Close your eyes, Heather.
I've got a surprise for you.
297
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:34,531
None of your business
how much it was.
298
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:38,035
He bought her a scarf.
And it actually
goes well with her colors.
299
00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:40,144
Peter, don't you see
what's going on here?
300
00:15:40,206 --> 00:15:42,406
Your son's relationship
with that doll
301
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:44,641
is better than our own marriage!
302
00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:45,810
Peter?
303
00:15:45,879 --> 00:15:48,946
Hey, can me and Ramon
go ride shirtless bikes?
304
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,940
My morning scream.
305
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,511
Heather's gone!
306
00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:23,915
Mom! Heather's disappeared!
Have you seen her?
307
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,650
No, I haven't, sweetheart.
308
00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:27,151
But you know what?
309
00:16:27,219 --> 00:16:31,088
Sometimes relationships
run their course
and come to a natural end.
310
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:33,791
This could be a sign
that it's time to move on.
311
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:36,527
Aw, and I just helped him
pick out that scarf.
312
00:16:36,595 --> 00:16:38,296
I miss her so much.
313
00:16:38,364 --> 00:16:39,408
I know, honey.
314
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:41,110
But if you give
it a little time,
315
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:43,012
I'm sure you'll get over her.
316
00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:46,281
Just like you got over
your Hamster Dance
Tourette Syndrome.
317
00:16:46,305 --> 00:16:48,573
Excuse me, Mom,
could you please pass...
318
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:52,543
♪ Dee dah deedah dee deh doh dohDee dah dee dah doh
319
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,490
♪ Doo doo doo doo
doodle loodle doo dah doo
320
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,354
Doo dah doodle doo
dah doodle doh doh ♪
321
00:16:57,417 --> 00:16:59,784
His brain ain't right,
but it's fun.
322
00:17:09,328 --> 00:17:11,161
Hey, Chris.
323
00:17:11,230 --> 00:17:14,443
I see you're sad.
And also sitting
on the remote.
324
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,601
Why did Heather leave me?
325
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:17,780
I don't know,
326
00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:19,782
but sometimes when
life's got you down,
327
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:21,717
you got to stand up
for a second.
328
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:22,918
Like, just for a second.
329
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:25,610
I've never felt this sad!
330
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:28,245
Aw, looks like
somebody could use a hug.
331
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:34,919
There we go.
332
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:36,454
Oh, no, I hit input!
333
00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:39,635
Oh, no! Oh, God!
We may have to throw
away the television.
334
00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:41,392
What should I do, Dad?
335
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:42,894
I don't know.
336
00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:45,042
Hey, where's that
girlfriend of yours?
She seems cool.
337
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:52,703
This day has Haagen-Dazs
written all over it.
338
00:17:56,376 --> 00:17:58,008
Boy, he's really upset.
339
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:01,579
I can't deal
with anything until I've
had my after-nap coffee.
340
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:06,717
I don't think guys
should have two hands
on a coffee mug ever.
341
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:07,866
What?
342
00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:10,387
Mmm. Oh, yummy.
343
00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:13,224
Don't do that, either.
Just don't do anything.
344
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:21,365
Hey, Chris.
345
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,045
I see you turned your hat around
346
00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:24,613
so you can really get in there.
347
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:28,072
Oh, what do you care?
What does anybody care?
348
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:31,108
Why don't you come with me?
I've got something
to show you.
349
00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:34,645
If it's the shot from Psycho
where you can see
Anne Heche's bunghole,
350
00:18:34,713 --> 00:18:36,113
I've already seen it.
351
00:18:36,182 --> 00:18:39,050
No, Chris,
it's something else.
Come on.
352
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,900
Heather? Oh, my God!
353
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,335
I'm sorry, Chris.
354
00:18:58,404 --> 00:18:59,703
You...
355
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:01,071
You did this?
356
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,373
I did. I took your doll
357
00:19:03,442 --> 00:19:07,912
because it's not a natural
or healthy thing for
a boy your age to have.
358
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:12,082
It looks like
you stabbed her.
Like, 50 times.
359
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,719
I was kind of jealous of it,
so I guess I went
a little crazy.
360
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:17,966
Also, her lipstick
is all smeared.
361
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:20,190
I was having a lot
of strange feelings!
362
00:19:20,259 --> 00:19:22,326
Look, Chris, I'm sorry.
363
00:19:22,394 --> 00:19:24,862
You can have Heather back.
But I just want you to know,
364
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:28,299
if you ever treat
a real woman the way
you treat that doll,
365
00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:30,668
you're gonna
make her very happy.
366
00:19:30,737 --> 00:19:32,169
Really?
367
00:19:32,238 --> 00:19:36,273
Absolutely. And I know
she'll make you
very happy, too.
368
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:38,742
You know...
369
00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:41,145
I don't think I need
Heather anymore.
370
00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:43,047
You don't?
No.
371
00:19:43,116 --> 00:19:44,982
I'm glad to hear that, Chris.
372
00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:47,484
Seems like maybe
you're growing up.
373
00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:48,786
Maybe.
374
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,833
I guess there's just
one thing left to do.
375
00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:52,223
What's that?
376
00:19:52,291 --> 00:19:53,969
Give me that knife.
I've got to
cut out the baby.
377
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:55,092
Oh, my God!
378
00:19:55,161 --> 00:19:56,660
It's made of Skittles.
379
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:59,130
You want to eat the baby
together on the way home?
380
00:19:59,965 --> 00:20:02,566
Yeah, I'd like that, Chris.
381
00:20:19,318 --> 00:20:21,763
You know, Lois,
I've been thinking
about what you said.
382
00:20:21,787 --> 00:20:23,553
And I did learn
a little something
383
00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:25,289
from watching Chris and Heather.
384
00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:27,124
You did?
Yeah.
385
00:20:27,192 --> 00:20:30,928
From now on, I am gonna
be treating you like garbage.
386
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:34,231
Oh, Peter. Thank you.
387
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,033
I love you, Lois.
388
00:20:36,101 --> 00:20:40,170
Mom? Dad?
I want you to meet
my new girlfriend!
389
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:43,306
This is Mistress Vita.
We met on Craigslist.
390
00:20:43,375 --> 00:20:45,442
No talking unless I say!
391
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,845
Hi, Peter.
392
00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:51,061
How'd she know your name?
393
00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:58,321
Peter, are you just
trying to take a knee
until the end of the show?
394
00:20:59,659 --> 00:21:01,579
Peter, that's not gonna work.
You can't just...
31195
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