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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:08,140
♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:11,643
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,813
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:18,150
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,452
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,054
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:23,123 --> 00:00:24,923
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:30,028
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:34,734 --> 00:00:36,513
Hey, Lois, can I please
have another pancake?
11
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,336
What? What's so funny?
12
00:00:38,405 --> 00:00:39,405
I don't know.
13
00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:41,339
Dog eating pancakes.
It's funny.
14
00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:43,675
Mom, I need a check
for the school field trip.
15
00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:46,144
Geez, Meg, didn't I just
take you on a field trip?
16
00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:49,467
Okay, here's the field!
Good-bye forever!
17
00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:52,885
Ahh!
18
00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:54,686
Meg, I'm injured!
19
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,356
Please, help me! I smell gas!
20
00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:03,028
Meg, I'm still alive,
but I'm badly burned!
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00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:06,409
Come save my life
and nurse me
back to health!
22
00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:10,902
Oh, God,
why do bad things happen
to good people?
23
00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,648
Here, sweetie,
I'll write you a check.
24
00:01:12,672 --> 00:01:14,973
No, no, I got it, Lois.
Let me just lick my thumb,
25
00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:18,476
'cause that's what people do
before they write a check.
26
00:01:18,545 --> 00:01:21,847
Okay, now let me
tilt my glasses down
and ask the date.
27
00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:24,983
What's the date today?
28
00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:27,352
Dad, why don't your checks
have any writing on them?
29
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,699
Why don't your shelves
have any trophies on 'em?
30
00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:33,558
I've obviously
caught you at a bad time.
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00:01:33,626 --> 00:01:35,961
Lois, why don't my checks
have any writing on them?
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00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:37,173
Well, Peter...
33
00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:38,296
What?
34
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:41,085
That's just
a wide pad of Post-its
I gave you.
35
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:44,703
What?
36
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:47,350
So that million dollar
check you gave me
yesterday is no good?
37
00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:49,274
I quit my job, man!
38
00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:51,543
I will not see you Monday!
39
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,225
What the hell, Lois?
Why don't I have
a real checkbook?
40
00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:57,427
Peter, where do
checks come from?
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00:01:57,451 --> 00:02:00,319
Uh, when a mommy and daddy
love each other?
42
00:02:00,387 --> 00:02:01,497
That's why.
43
00:02:01,521 --> 00:02:04,222
Lois, I want my own checkbook,
and I want it now!
44
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:08,026
Ooh,
I like when Dad talks tough.
He sounds like Dirty Harry.
45
00:02:08,094 --> 00:02:10,174
You got to ask
yourself one question.
46
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:14,065
"Do I feel lucky?"
Well, do ya, punk?
47
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:18,870
Oh, Mr. Harry,
you're really not gonna
like what I have to say.
48
00:02:24,010 --> 00:02:25,421
Hi. What can I
do for you?
49
00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:27,179
Yes, I was wondering,
where is the room
50
00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:28,824
where I can roll around
nude with my money?
51
00:02:28,848 --> 00:02:29,960
I'm sorry?
52
00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:32,217
No, I'm sorry.
I thought this was a bank.
53
00:02:32,285 --> 00:02:33,445
I'll handle this.
54
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,665
My husband wants to
open a checking account.
55
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:37,500
Okay, well, first,
I'll need to see
56
00:02:37,524 --> 00:02:39,269
a photo ID and
a birth certificate.
57
00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:43,061
Of course. I keep
all my important
papers in my bosom.
58
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:47,699
Okay, "Justin Peter Griffin."
59
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,901
It's actually
just Peter Griffin.
60
00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:52,404
So, this is not
your birth certificate?
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00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:58,243
Oh, my God!
Your first name is Justin?
62
00:02:58,312 --> 00:02:59,611
It is?
63
00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:01,413
Wow, I never noticed that.
64
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:04,883
"Justin Griffin." Huh,
I like the sound of that.
65
00:03:04,951 --> 00:03:06,284
I'm a Justin!
66
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:08,286
This is awesome!
This changes everything!
67
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:09,988
Peter,
it doesn't change a thing.
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00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:11,896
You're still
the exact same person.
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00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,424
I beg to differ.
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00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:21,934
And now,international newsfrom Al Jarreau Jazeera.
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00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:24,335
♪ Car bombing in Syria
72
00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:26,805
♪ Skididdly
boom-bop a dee, yeah
73
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:29,240
♪ Thirty-seven people killed
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00:03:29,309 --> 00:03:32,944
♪ Ooh, the people are dead ♪
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00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:34,690
Hey, Lois,
you seen my hiking boots?
76
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:36,325
I need 'em later
for park soccer.
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00:03:36,349 --> 00:03:38,349
Peter, why the hell
do you look like that?
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00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:40,752
Uh, my name isn't Peter.
My name is Justin.
79
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:43,981
I'm living
a Justin lifestyle,
and so is my family.
80
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:47,426
You want to go
to a concert? Huh?
81
00:03:47,494 --> 00:03:48,738
Want to go to a loud concert?
82
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:49,895
No.
83
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:52,163
Since I'm your
cool father Justin,
84
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,411
we should bond with
skin-to-skin contact.
85
00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,012
How about Justin
takes his shirt off,
86
00:03:56,036 --> 00:03:58,870
and we can get some photos
of you on Justin's belly?
87
00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:04,810
Your heartbeat is weird.
It is not consistent at all.
88
00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:07,178
Okay, let's go for
a ride in my open Jeep.
89
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:10,148
I took the doors off,
so it's extra terrifying.
90
00:04:10,217 --> 00:04:13,318
Geez, this "Justin"
phase of Dad's
is kind of weird.
91
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:15,954
Eh, not as weird as
his karaoke phase.
92
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:19,191
Peter,
did you throw up in the sink?
93
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,796
Peter?
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00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:26,824
♪ Out here in the fields ♪
95
00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:29,171
Yeah, that was me,
I was the one who
threw up in the sink.
96
00:05:29,195 --> 00:05:31,663
♪ I farm for my meals ♪
97
00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:37,046
Dad, what are you doing in here?
98
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:38,247
Oh, hey, Chris.
99
00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:39,882
I just figured
now that I'm Justin,
100
00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:41,806
I should start a sweet news wall
101
00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:43,720
for stuff I think
is totally sweet.
102
00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:46,411
Big puffy clouds are very sweet.
103
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,880
Big hamburgers.
Small hamburgers, too.
104
00:05:48,948 --> 00:05:51,683
Sliders, I think
they're called. Ranch.
105
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,396
Here's just a picture of a vest.
106
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:54,519
Pretty sweet.
107
00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:57,789
Palm trees are very sweet,
'cause, like, the beach.
108
00:05:57,857 --> 00:05:59,457
This is my room, Dad.
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00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:03,027
The band Guster
is the sweetest
band of all time.
110
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:05,141
It was tough, 'cause I had to
move all my O.A.R. stuff
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00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:06,665
to fit the Guster stuff.
112
00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:08,567
Peter, get out of Chris' room.
113
00:06:08,635 --> 00:06:11,680
Oh, hey, Mama.
Hey, you seen my
copy of Into the Wild?
114
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:13,749
I like to have it on
my person at all times,
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00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:15,718
in case I need
a quick "inspo sesh."
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00:06:15,742 --> 00:06:17,987
Oh, did I tell you
I'm gonna be doing
a lot of abbreve's?
117
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:19,644
Peter, you sound like an idiot.
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00:06:19,712 --> 00:06:22,046
And did you put
a skateboard in
the washing machine?
119
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:24,249
It's gonna cost
several hundred
dollars to repair.
120
00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:26,984
How we do, Lois.
All we do.
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00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,631
You ever get in
the pocket of a wave?
122
00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:29,887
Peter, you know I haven't.
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00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:31,767
And I know for a fact
that you haven't, either.
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00:06:31,791 --> 00:06:34,392
In the pocket.
Some gnarlies out there.
125
00:06:34,461 --> 00:06:36,827
Some "gnar-gnars."
Was in one today.
126
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:39,136
It's like the rest of
the world just shuts off,
127
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:41,444
and all that matters
is you and Lady Blue.
128
00:06:41,468 --> 00:06:43,279
And you know
what she said to me?
129
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:45,537
"You're great."
130
00:06:45,605 --> 00:06:49,073
Keep it cool,
Lois. K-E-W-L.
131
00:06:58,485 --> 00:06:59,929
So, you want to go upstairs?
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00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:01,252
Sure.
133
00:07:01,321 --> 00:07:03,154
Great. Go.
134
00:07:04,724 --> 00:07:06,684
Hey, Justin, I wanted to
introduce you to Keira.
135
00:07:06,726 --> 00:07:09,027
She's the one who brought
four loose Sierra Nevadas.
136
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:13,031
Keira! You totally
rock for bringing those.
137
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:15,333
Peter,
what the hell is going on?
138
00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:17,435
Oh, dude, is that your mom?
139
00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:19,604
No, I'm not his mom,
you little bastard.
140
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,952
That "little bastard"
knows how to smoke pot
out of an apple.
141
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:24,942
All right, everyone out of here.
142
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,981
I've had enough of
this "Justin" nonsense.
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00:07:30,049 --> 00:07:31,827
Tomorrow we're
going to City Hall to
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00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:33,563
legally change your
name back to "Peter."
145
00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:35,019
All right, fine.
146
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:38,022
But I got to say,
being Justin was
quite an adventure.
147
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:40,357
Like when I found
where the wild things were.
148
00:07:45,331 --> 00:07:47,399
I owe you, Max.
You led me right to 'em.
149
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:50,468
All right, now
help me grind their horns
into boner pills.
150
00:07:54,741 --> 00:07:56,886
Keira, that was
an amazing night.
151
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:58,721
Sorry I can't drive you to work.
152
00:07:58,745 --> 00:08:00,456
I gotta go sit in my
den until you leave.
153
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,759
Oh, that's okay.
I'll just take
the school bus.
154
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:04,549
Wait... What?
155
00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:06,496
You drive a school bus?
156
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:10,054
No, silly, I take the bus.
I'm in high school.
157
00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:12,167
What the hell?
You said you were 23!
158
00:08:12,191 --> 00:08:14,292
Yeah, and you said you loved me.
159
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:15,600
Well, I guess you got me there.
160
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:20,565
Hey, Quagmire,
sorry to bother you,
161
00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:22,300
but we're following up on a tip.
162
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,536
Did you have sex
with this underage girl?
163
00:08:24,604 --> 00:08:27,405
I don't want to go to jail,
but I really
want to take credit.
164
00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:30,274
Quagmire, I'm afraid
you're under arrest
for statutory rape.
165
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,088
All right, but let me just send
166
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:33,756
the pictures I
took of her last night
167
00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:34,946
to all my friends.
168
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:39,851
Oh, yeah! Boom!
169
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,831
You're disgusting.
Take him away.
170
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,221
We've got all the
awesome evidence we need.
171
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,968
"Hello, my name is
Glenn Quagmire.
172
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,203
"I am a neighbor of yours
on Spooner Street.
173
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:02,173
"I am here to inform you
that I am a sex offender."
174
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:04,487
It seems as
though you could have
had some of that memorized.
175
00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:06,577
Glenn, what the hell's going on?
176
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:09,313
It turns out that
girl I took home
from Peter's party last night
177
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:10,382
is in high school.
178
00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:11,683
Oh, my God!
179
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:14,033
Does this mean you're gonna
move to Europe to make movies?
180
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,933
How in the world
did you not know
she was underage?
181
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:19,223
Well, in retrospect,
she did ask a lot of questions
182
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:20,859
about To Kill a Mockingbird.
183
00:09:20,927 --> 00:09:23,028
Should have sent her my way.
I love that book.
184
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,497
Oh, Gregory Peck. Whew!
185
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,665
Anyway, now I gotta
go in front of a judge.
186
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:30,034
Really? Number one
or number two?
187
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:32,604
Our judicial
system is so broken.
188
00:09:32,672 --> 00:09:34,606
No, Peter,
Glenn has to go to court.
189
00:09:34,674 --> 00:09:35,907
That's right.
190
00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:37,954
And there's not even
a defense for statutory rape.
191
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,511
Once the girl proves her age,
that's it, you're guilty.
192
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,981
You know what I tried today?
A fig.
193
00:09:43,049 --> 00:09:46,084
I have a hearing
tomorrow morning.
I may have to go to jail.
194
00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:48,592
My only hope for leniency
is to bring in
character witnesses
195
00:09:48,655 --> 00:09:51,422
and show the court
I'm not the monster
they say I am.
196
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,703
Well, Peter would be
happy to support you.
197
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:56,127
Yeah, you betcha, Quagmire.
I'm very persuasive.
198
00:09:56,195 --> 00:09:59,195
That's why I was
so good at selling
low-cost car insurance.
199
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,845
♪ White-trash rates
from an army guy
200
00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:04,747
♪ Here is a penguin,
don't know why ♪
201
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:07,906
- The General Car Insurance.
- It'll worry whoever you hit.
202
00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:17,181
I can't believe
Quagmire and
that girl had sex.
203
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:20,151
Which is hugging someone
really hard with your legs.
204
00:10:20,219 --> 00:10:21,419
Nope.
205
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:22,598
Well, you'll tell me if
I get it, though, right?
206
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:23,766
Yeah,
I'll tell you if you get it.
207
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:24,889
Okay, I'm gonna get it.
208
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,669
Now, Mr. Griffin,
I understand you're here
209
00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:28,370
to speak on Mr.
Quagmire's behalf.
210
00:10:28,394 --> 00:10:29,627
That's right, Your Honor.
211
00:10:29,696 --> 00:10:31,576
And as we know,
according to Game of Thrones,
212
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,198
if the girl has had her blood,
she is good to go.
213
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:36,701
Has the girl had her blood?
Answer the question.
214
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,836
Mr. Griffin, she was underage.
215
00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:43,207
Yes, however, Mr. Quagmire
was born on February 29th.
216
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:44,876
Ergo, he's only 12.
217
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:46,611
Ergo, the girl raped him.
218
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,245
Argo, Ben Affleck.
219
00:10:52,752 --> 00:10:55,052
Mr. Griffin,
do you have any evidence
220
00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:57,388
that is not based on
film or television?
221
00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,535
I don't know.
Why don't you ask
222
00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:01,526
all these
letters to Santa Claus?
223
00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:07,131
Something's going on.
We haven't gotten
mail in a week.
224
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:10,402
I. I haven't
gotten mail in a week.
Nobody writes you.
225
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,740
Officer Swanson,
I'll remind you
that you are under oath.
226
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:19,577
Now, please tell us
what Mr. Quagmire said
he did with the girl.
227
00:11:19,646 --> 00:11:24,382
He, uh, said
he gave her a Frosty Jim.
228
00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:29,154
And can you please
explain to the courtroom
what a Frosty Jim is.
229
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:30,422
Uh...
230
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:31,989
Sir, you're under oath.
231
00:11:32,058 --> 00:11:36,327
Well, it's when you
urinate in a condom,
232
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:41,031
and tie it off, freeze it,
and then use it to
make love to the woman.
233
00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:42,967
Thank you.
He's a good guy!
234
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:49,741
Mr. Brown, can you
please state your
occupation for the court?
235
00:11:49,809 --> 00:11:52,810
Oh, come on, man,
you didn't ask
anyone else to do that!
236
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:55,758
Why am I on trial?
He's the one
that banged a child!
237
00:11:55,782 --> 00:11:57,462
When are we
gonna see this chick?
238
00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:59,183
Okay, enough! No more help!
239
00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:02,353
I'm taking this Bible.
240
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:04,600
You want to know
what kind of person
Glenn Quagmire is?
241
00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:06,302
You want to know
what made me the person I am?
242
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:08,059
Then put me on the stand.
243
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:10,294
Lois, can I play
Angry Birds on your phone?
244
00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:12,597
Okay, but only with
the sound off.
245
00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:14,632
Fine. I'll just do
it with my mouth.
246
00:12:20,873 --> 00:12:23,085
Please, go ahead,
Mr. Quagmire.
247
00:12:23,109 --> 00:12:25,588
Look, I know everyone's
sitting out there
judging me today.
248
00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:29,747
But before you do,
please know I had it
pretty rough growing up.
249
00:12:29,816 --> 00:12:32,917
My dad was a military man,
so he wasn't around much.
250
00:12:32,985 --> 00:12:36,387
And my mom,
well, let's just say
she was a little promiscuous.
251
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:39,457
In fact,
I think my problems started
the day I was born.
252
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:44,362
It's a boy, Mrs. Quagmire.
253
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,829
Oh, that's wonderful!
254
00:12:45,898 --> 00:12:47,632
How do you feel?
Horny.
255
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:48,932
Really horny.
256
00:12:49,001 --> 00:12:51,702
Could you put him back
so I can push him out again?
257
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:54,405
I was born nine times that day.
258
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:55,973
And things never got easier.
259
00:12:56,042 --> 00:12:57,853
The only way I
learned my ABCs was
260
00:12:57,877 --> 00:13:00,811
by learning the names of
all the guys my
mom slept with.
261
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:04,114
♪ Art, Bob, Chet, Don,
Ed, Frank, Gus
262
00:13:04,183 --> 00:13:07,552
♪ Hal, Irv, John,
Ken, Lew-Matt-Ned-Ox-Pat
263
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,922
♪ Quint, Ron, Sam,
Tom, Ulf, Vic
264
00:13:10,990 --> 00:13:14,191
♪ Walter, Xavier, Yaz and Zeke
265
00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:17,662
♪ Those are just
some of the guys
266
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:21,199
♪ There are lots
of other guys ♪
267
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:22,466
It was awful.
268
00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,513
I didn't even get to go to
my high school prom.
269
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:25,869
But my mom did.
270
00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:29,852
Hey, is Crystal ready?
271
00:13:29,876 --> 00:13:31,075
Oh, hi, Ronnie.
272
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,089
Hey, listen, have my mom home
by midnight, okay?
273
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:34,523
How about I plow her in the limo
274
00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:35,924
and have her home in 20 minutes?
275
00:13:35,948 --> 00:13:39,016
Oh, come on,
Ronnie, she bought the dress.
276
00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:41,352
So, you see, Your Honor,
thanks to my mom,
277
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:43,855
I never had a chance
to be like everyone else.
278
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,456
My misguided carnal instincts
279
00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:48,459
are the result of being raised
by a sexual deviant.
280
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:52,697
All I'm asking is that
you give me the break
that my childhood never did.
281
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:58,436
Dairy Queen
closes in 10 minutes.
282
00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:03,241
Mr. Quagmire,
your story is a sad one,
283
00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:05,576
but that doesn't
excuse your actions.
284
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:08,979
I have no choice
but to sentence you
to 20 years in prison.
285
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,917
Oh, no, you don't!
286
00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:15,920
Mom?
287
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,388
Crystal?
288
00:14:17,456 --> 00:14:20,625
Ha! She's enjoyed many men.
289
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,634
Mom, what are you doing here?
290
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,802
Do you know I'm
carrying three handguns,
291
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,915
and the metal detectors
picked up nothing?
292
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:36,207
Your Honor,
as the defendant's mother,
293
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,476
I ask that you
show mercy on him.
294
00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:41,379
Well, as the victim's mother,
I ask that you go to hell!
295
00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,915
Where is your daughter?
Show her to us!
296
00:14:43,983 --> 00:14:46,784
Your Honor,
I have renounced
my sinful past,
297
00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:50,487
and have been washed
in the blood of
the Lord Jesus Christ.
298
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:51,589
You what?
299
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,624
I have seen the righteous path
of our Savior,
300
00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:56,127
and ask that you not sentence
my son to jail,
301
00:14:56,195 --> 00:14:58,262
but instead
release him to my custody
302
00:14:58,330 --> 00:15:02,099
so that I,
with God's guidance,
can rehabilitate him.
303
00:15:02,168 --> 00:15:05,102
Wow, Quagmire's
mom is a Jesus freak.
304
00:15:05,171 --> 00:15:06,682
I haven't been this
surprised since we went
305
00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:08,706
to that restaurant
on my birthday.
306
00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:11,053
All right,
guys, let's pay the check
and get out of here.
307
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:13,477
♪ Happy birthday to you
308
00:15:13,546 --> 00:15:14,878
You guys!
309
00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:17,581
♪ Happy birthday to you
310
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:21,018
♪ Happy birthday, dear Peter
311
00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:23,854
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
312
00:15:25,958 --> 00:15:28,092
Aren't you gonna
blow out your candles, Peter?
313
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:30,160
Mom, I think
something's wrong with Dad.
314
00:15:30,229 --> 00:15:32,529
Peter? Peter?
315
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:35,166
Oh, my God! Help!
316
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:36,667
Someone call 911!
317
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:37,847
It's okay, ma'am.
318
00:15:37,871 --> 00:15:41,031
This happens
here at Bennigan's
all the time.
319
00:15:43,809 --> 00:15:45,276
How long does this last?
320
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:46,465
Hard to say.
321
00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:48,379
It's best to just move on.
322
00:15:56,256 --> 00:15:59,089
I'm sorry, Mrs. Quagmire,
but my sentence stands.
323
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:00,792
Twenty years.
324
00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:03,994
Mr. Quagmire,
I'll give you 24 hours
to get your affairs in order.
325
00:16:04,063 --> 00:16:05,429
Oh, my God.
326
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:07,164
Ah, don't think
of it as 20 years.
327
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:09,834
Think of it as
two 10-year-olds,
you sick freak.
328
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,273
God, 20 years.
329
00:16:16,342 --> 00:16:18,175
I know this is
a hard time for you,
330
00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:20,010
but you need to
seek forgiveness.
331
00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:21,979
You need to kneel before Jesus.
332
00:16:22,048 --> 00:16:24,093
Oh, he's gonna be kneeling
in front of a lot of guys,
333
00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:25,827
but I doubt he'll
catch their names.
334
00:16:25,851 --> 00:16:28,230
It's usually somebody
pushing your
skull in the dark.
335
00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:29,631
There are really
no introductions.
336
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:33,224
Remember, He is
inside you all the time.
337
00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:36,394
Oh, now she's just
setting me up. Right?
338
00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:39,363
How dare you come in here
and tell me to
seek forgiveness!
339
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:40,543
Where do you get off?
340
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:42,132
Pretty much everywhere, I hear.
341
00:16:42,201 --> 00:16:43,968
Fat man's right,
they're making this easy.
342
00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:46,904
You've never apologized once
for the way you raised me!
343
00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:48,684
You're the one who
made me what I am!
344
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:50,675
Oh, come on, Quagmire,
you're a grown man,
345
00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:52,509
responsible for his own choices.
346
00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:55,145
Seems kind of cowardly
to blame someone
else for your problems.
347
00:16:55,214 --> 00:16:57,181
Brian abandoned his
own son, by the way.
348
00:16:57,249 --> 00:16:59,784
Why are you, of all people,
defending a religious nut?
349
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:00,930
Aren't you an atheist?
350
00:17:00,954 --> 00:17:02,154
Yeah, it's crazy.
351
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,068
You can think about that
while you're in jail.
352
00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:07,624
Glenn, we're not
going to get anywhere
questioning God's wisdom.
353
00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,494
He has a plan for everything.
354
00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:11,428
Oh, now I get it.
355
00:17:11,497 --> 00:17:12,830
That's why you found God.
356
00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:15,232
So you can absolve yourself
of any responsibility
357
00:17:15,301 --> 00:17:17,245
and answer everything
with empty platitudes.
358
00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:20,638
Face it, you're a worse parent
than Brad Pitt
and Angelina Jolie.
359
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,674
I'm concerned about
Pax, Maddox and Shiloh.
360
00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:25,409
They're having trouble adapting.
361
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:29,146
They've been raised
with 11 languages,
and really don't speak any.
362
00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:30,615
I hear you, Doctor.
363
00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:33,629
So, you're saying
we should give
them all fauxhawks?
364
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,919
No. I think they
need intensive therapy.
365
00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:37,866
Let me see if I understand you.
366
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,991
Even shorter on the sides?
367
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,492
Don't you see?
368
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,195
This is your chance
to open your heart
and let God in.
369
00:17:44,263 --> 00:17:46,030
I know this jail
sentence seems long.
370
00:17:46,099 --> 00:17:48,932
But salvation can
last all eternity.
371
00:17:49,002 --> 00:17:50,712
You know what else
lasts an eternity?
372
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:52,570
This conversation.
373
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:55,806
And maybe through
our shared relationship
with the Lord,
374
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:58,809
we can begin to build a bond
as mother and son.
375
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:00,645
"Mother and son"?
376
00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:03,881
Mothers love their children!
They nurture them
and protect them!
377
00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:05,594
You've never
done a thing for me!
378
00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:08,586
I'd rather rot in
jail than sit here
and listen to all your crap!
379
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:13,223
Glenn's right.
I was never there for him.
380
00:18:13,292 --> 00:18:15,493
I've got to find
some way to fix this.
381
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:17,462
Did you hear about
your ex-husband yet?
382
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:20,197
He had a, uh, procedure.
383
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:30,641
You know, some families
take their baby to the zoo.
384
00:18:30,709 --> 00:18:32,476
That's also a fun activity.
385
00:18:32,544 --> 00:18:34,523
I'm really gonna
miss all you guys.
386
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:37,381
And I'll think of you
whenever I choke
on a link sausage.
387
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:38,782
Take care, buddy.
388
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,821
Oh, yeah! Fresh air! Freedom!
389
00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:45,756
Peter, while I'm away,
390
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:48,637
I want you to
hold onto my antique,
gold Rolex watch.
391
00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:50,460
Oh, cool, a throwing watch!
392
00:18:50,529 --> 00:18:53,242
No, no, Peter, it...
And I cannot
stress this enough,
393
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:54,999
it is not a throwing watch.
394
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,901
Oh, I hear you, Quagmire.
395
00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:00,685
It didn't come back
like you said it would.
396
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:04,719
And, Joe,
you sure you don't mind
taking care of my cat?
397
00:19:04,743 --> 00:19:08,112
Oh, no, all taken care of.
Brought her to
the pound this morning.
398
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:09,958
She went peacefully.
What?
399
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:12,716
No! I meant take care of her,
like, look after her!
400
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:15,152
Well, that seems like
a note for this morning.
401
00:19:15,221 --> 00:19:17,666
You know,
maybe I won't miss you people
as much as I thought.
402
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,690
Do you have
anything for me, Glenn?
403
00:19:19,758 --> 00:19:21,325
What? No! What?
404
00:19:21,393 --> 00:19:22,593
I just found out my cat died!
405
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:24,395
Hmm.
406
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:27,898
I can't help but think
this selfish attitude
is part of what got you here.
407
00:19:27,966 --> 00:19:30,167
Good-bye, Glenn. Be strong.
408
00:19:30,236 --> 00:19:32,036
We'll keep you in our thoughts.
409
00:19:33,272 --> 00:19:36,473
Oh, you better get rid of that
before you get in there.
410
00:19:36,542 --> 00:19:37,775
All right.
411
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,387
Good-bye, everybody.
412
00:19:39,411 --> 00:19:42,546
And don't worry about me.
I'll see you real soon.
413
00:19:45,284 --> 00:19:49,019
Hey, you guys take good care
of my child-rapist friend!
414
00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:54,692
Mr. Quagmire, wait!
415
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:56,827
Judge?
What are you doing here?
416
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:59,096
I wanted to tell you
the good news in person.
417
00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,998
Your sentence has been commuted.
418
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:03,534
You will not be serving
prison time after all.
419
00:20:03,602 --> 00:20:06,370
You got a good body, man.
Why do you hide
it under that robe?
420
00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:08,972
"Commuted"?
I don't understand.
421
00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:11,008
Hello, Glenn.
422
00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:12,476
Mom?
423
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:14,044
What's going on here?
424
00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:16,213
By the way,
Your Honor, your fly is down.
425
00:20:16,282 --> 00:20:19,617
Well, let's just say
some new DNA
evidence was produced.
426
00:20:19,685 --> 00:20:22,286
And an impressive amount,
I'd say.
427
00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:23,715
Guy takes care of himself.
428
00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:25,155
Anyway, you're free to go.
429
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,258
You... You're kidding!
430
00:20:27,326 --> 00:20:29,092
Mom, did you...
431
00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:30,494
Yep. Twice.
432
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,407
But I thought you
were Christian now.
433
00:20:32,431 --> 00:20:35,866
Helping my son is
the most Christian
thing I could do.
434
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:38,269
You were right, Glenn.
I was a terrible mother.
435
00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:40,704
I wasn't there for you
when I should've been.
436
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:43,073
But I'd love a second chance.
437
00:20:44,643 --> 00:20:47,611
I'd like that.
I'd like that very much.
438
00:20:52,351 --> 00:20:55,819
Aw, Quagmire got away with it
and learned nothing.
439
00:20:55,888 --> 00:20:57,321
That's great.
34291
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