All language subtitles for Family Guy - S13E08 - Our Idiot Brian (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Hallmark Original
Pictures presents
an instant family classic.

Summers with My
Slow Brother, starring

a cast of people
who make you say "Oh,"

because you didn't think
they were still acting.

For example, Grant Show.
Oh.

Oh.
Rachael Leigh Cook.

Oh.
David Faustino.

Huh?
And Robin Tunney.

The bald-headed chick
from Empire Records.

Oh.

Guys, could you turn that down?

I'm trying to study for the SAT.

Hey, careful, Meg.

Remember what
happened the last time

I had to choose
between you and the TV.

Don't worry,
Meg's holding our stuff.

Meg, don't drink that soda!

I'm serious, you guys.

I haven't been doing well
on these practice tests,

and I need to improve my score
to get into a good college.

You're in high school, sweetie.

You should be
much more concerned

about your weight
than your SAT scores.

Don't listen to her, Meg.

Academics are
extremely important.

Are the SATs essential?
Vital? Crucial?

"D." All of the above.

I'll get the scissors
and cut that
poop off your bum.

Meg, trust me,
you ace these SATs,

you could go on to do anything.

You could be a doctor,
an architect.

Hell, you could even coach
the Mighty Ducks.

All right, the championship
is on the line.

It's time for a formation
they're not expecting.

The Flying V?
No.

The Stinky V.

Wassup, my sistas?

Oooh,
I ain't sat down
in a hot minute.

What the hell?
Why are you talking like that?

Sorry, I have family in town.

You guys, I'm freaking out.

The SATs are this weekend,
and there's

no way I'm gonna
get a good score.

You know, Meg, maybe you should

get someone super
smart to take it for you.

That's what all
the star athletes do.

Ugh. I'm so sick
of all the special
treatment they get.

Even during school shootings.

Kevlar vest.

Kevlar vest.

Hold on.

Are you a starter?
These are for starters only.

I'll be a starter next year.

Then next year,
you can have a vest.

Besides,
even if I could get someone

to take the SATs for me,
that's cheating.

No one cares
about cheating anymore, Meg.

Not since "Slick Willie" Clinton

lowered the nation's
moral standards.

God, give it up, Patty.

I'm just saying,
find someone really smart

to take the SAT for you
in exchange for money.

Did someone say "Jewish?"

Hey, Neil.

Listen, is there any
chance you'd be willing

to take the SAT
for me this weekend?

Sorry, Meg, I'm swamped.

I'm taking my
body into the shop.

I don't know what
you've been doing
to this thing, Neil,

but you see this gunk?

That ain't supposed to be there.

Well, just do whatever you can.

All right, I'm gonna go
eat a sandwich with one hand

and fill out
the invoice with the other.

Don't worry, Meg.

There's got to be someone else
who'd be willing to
take that test for you.

Like who?

You guys are my only friends,
and everyone in my
family's a moron.

What about your hot mom, Meg?
What?

I said how about your dog?
He's smart.

That doesn't sound
like what you said,

but yeah,
Brian is kind of smart.

Maybe I'll get him
to take it for me.

Your mom's so fucking hot.

We now return to
another Michael Jordan
underwear commercial

on a plane for some reason.

Does your underwear have tags?

What?

Mr. Jordan,
you're gonna have
to take your seat

and stop asking people
about their underwear.

Oh. Hey, Brian.

I was just thinking about you.

You know how I've always loved
your novel Faster
Than the Speed of Love?

Okay, what's this?

She's peanut-buttering you up
for something.

No, I didn't even
know you'd read my novel.

Yeah, I'm a huge fan of FATSPOL.

That's the acronym I use
for Faster Than
the Speed of Love,

because I mention it so much.

God,
that would've saved me years.

Anyway, I was just re-reading
my favorite
passage the other day.

"The weight of the gun
in Jason's hand surprised him.

"'How heavy, ' he wondered,
'is the human soul?'"

That's page one.

She's quoting page one.

Your book is genius, Brian.

I can't believe Amazon
is dumping it for 99 cents.

What? My book is on Amazon?

Yeah, Brian, there's something
for everyone on Amazon.

In fact, you're so smart,

I thought you'd be
the perfect person
to maybe take the SAT for me.

What? But that would be wrong.

Well, I suppose you
may look at it that way.

But a wise book once said,

"With the heart at stake,
right and wrong
is a stake through the heart."

That one's on the cover.

Wow. Ensnared by
my own verbal trap.

Well played, me, through you.

All right, Meg,
I'll take that test for you.

I guess what I'm saying is,

"Ace Pilotson,
reporting for World War Love."

What?

She didn't read the book, Bri.

That's your main character.

Don't worry, Meg.
I'm always here to help.

Like a 1960s British policeman.

Officer,
me child's been kidnapped!

Calm down, ma'am.
It's all under control.

I've got a whistle,
a cloth helmet,
a key to a call box,

a soft rubber truncheon
and a map of the city.

Please, hurry!

I don't much like your tone.

That's a tiny pencil-and-pad
citation for you.

Okay, Brian, you can do this.

Hey, Meg.
Hi, Meg.

Hey, how's it going?

My locker.

Meg, I thought
we were gonna try
to work on that.

Hey, other teens,
how about our youth culture,
am I right?

All the new hairs we're getting.

Hey, hashtag SATs, huh?

Yeah, I guess.

Wow,
I can't believe this worked.

I was afraid I'd stick out,

like the one guy
in Lincoln's cabinet
who didn't have a beard.

I want to win this war,
and I want to do it fast.

Ideas?

We should meet
the rebels head-on
in Virginia.

Yes, and use our ships
to block their supply chains.

We could also use
our troop advantage
to out-flank them in the west.

Uh, what did that baby just say?

All right, cell phones away,
eyes on your own paper,

and before we start,
who's giving me a ride home?

Not you, a girl.

For luck, Meg.

We're all rooting for ya.

We now return to Malcolm XXY.

We didn't land on Plymouth Rock.

Yeah!

Plymouth Rock gave us
both sets of genitals.

Yeah!
What?

Mail's here.

I got my SAT scores.

So, how'd we do?

"We" scored 1,000.

Nice. 1,000 on the nose.

You are welcome.

Brian, that's 1,000
out of a possible 2,400!

That's the worst
score in my class!

What?

Damn it,
why did I ever
think you were smart?

That's... That's not possible.

Brian's stupid.

I must alert the townsfolk.

Ya! Fly, Artemis, fly.

Hark, townsfolk.

Brian...

He... Damn, what was it?

Brian...

Brian goes to college?

No.

Brian gets
another book published?

Yeah, yeah, maybe that's it.

Tell all that Brian's getting
another book published.

Oh, thank God.

I thought it was gonna be
a Meg episode all throughout.

I got the lowest
score in Meg's class?

How could this happen?

Face it, Brian.
This proves
that you're stupid.

Proves it empirically.

That means it's verified.

I know!

I just weirdly woke
up in the laundry room.

Not now, Peter.

Geez, what's wrong with you?

Brian took the SAT for Meg,
and it turns
out he's an idiot.

That's not true.

Methinks the Hoff
protest a month.

Do you even know
what you're trying to say?

Hey,
look, don't feel bad, Brian,
it's fun being stupid.

You don't got to
worry about nothing,

you don't got to read books,
and you never die.

Peter, that...
That's not correct.

How would you know, stupid?

Thanks a lot, SAT.

Man, this is
the worst day
of my life.

Empirically.
Careful.

Brian, being a dumb
guy's not so awful.

I'll show you.

Come on, you're
spending the day with me.

Here, you want a beer?

Peter, it's 11:00 a.m.

If the clock ain't digital,
you don't know that.

Well, actually,
I could use a drink.

There you go,
you look stupider already.

Let's go.
Where are we going?

Who cares?

Now, come on, we're gonna party

like it's the Roaring Twenties.

♪ No TV, movies suck

♪ I'm here with my gal

♪ Shake your hands,
kick around

♪ Wear a suit to breakfast

♪ Underwear that laces up

♪ All girls
have a guy's haircut

♪ Crank your car
to make it start

♪ You will die of measles ♪

Oh, my God.

Yeah, see, people go to NASCAR
hoping for a crash.

Well, this is all crashes.

But that guy could've been hurt.

Why are you laughing?
'Cause it's funny.

What, do you think
you're better than me?

By the way,
a huge part of being an idiot

is constantly accusing people
of thinking
they're better than you.

That and forwarding
mildly funny e-mails

way after everybody's
already seen them.

You know this one's funny
'cause there's seven
fonts in 12 colors.

Dad,
I just got this
hilarious e-mail.

You got to see this.

Chris would love this.

Hey, it looks like
they're shooting
T-shirts into the crowd.

Those aren't T-shirts,
thems is hot dogs.

Huh. That's kind of cool.

I want a hot dog.

Well, then you better
move quick, he's reloading.

Yeah! Free flying meat.

Hey, you feel good
about yourself, jagoff?

Yeah, that's right,
I knocked your kid
over to get a hot dog.

What, do you think
you're better than me?

What, you think
you're better than me?

You think you're better than me?

Look at you, Brian,
right at home
with us dumb guys.

You're blending in better than
a centipede among millipedes.

Well, what should we do today?

Let's try on 1,000 shoes.

Wait a minute.

You're an imposter.

Hey, yo, Stew.

My boy, Peter,
and I are watching

this Sandler movie,
That's My Boy.

You gotta come
check it out, man.
It's amazeballs.

This is just the DVD menu.

No way.

Man, I am buzzin' hardcore
off of that chaw, man.

Brian, what the deuce?

Deuce, like poo.

Yes, yes, deuce like poo.
But what the devil
has happened to you?

I woke up, kemosabe?

No, I mean it.

How could one bad test score
transform you into
a complete moron?

Brian, I'm concerned
something is very wrong
with you.

Nah, man, I've never
felt better, Beef Stew.

Bazinga!

Like what
the gay scientist says.

Hey, Brian,
say something else from TV.

What you talkin' 'bout, Phyllis?

Oh, gross,
he's getting his nose period.

Oh, my God,
we've got to get
him to a hospital.

Don't worry, Brian.
I'll save you.

I'm good in a crisis.

After all, I used to
work the suicide hotline.

I...
I just can't take it.

I discovered my wife's
been cheating on
me for a while.

And I just...

I can't live like this.

I have to kill myself.

Doesn't it make
more sense to kill her?

Brian, the good news is
we've stopped the bleeding.

And we've removed
the Matchbox car

that was lodged in your rectum.

I did that right
after you passed out.

Classic P-Dog.

But, Dr. Hartman,
why did he lose consciousness?

Well, keeping in mind the recent

behavioral changes
you've described,

I did a CAT scan...

On a dog.

We laughed about that, too.

However,
I'm sorry to inform you
that Brian has a brain tumor.

Oh, my God.

There's only one thing to do,
shrink down to
microscopic size,

enter Brian's brain,
and destroy
the tumor from within.

I was raped by a bug.

Brain tumor.

How is that possible?

As a father in
a hospital getting
bad news,

I am gonna sadly
slide down the wall
and take my hat off.

I forgot the hat.

So, Doc, how much Jamba Juice
do I have to
drink to cure this?

I've also heard that,
like, crystals exist?

Dr. Hartman,
do you think the brain tumor

might explain
why Brian's been
acting so odd lately?

Well, I haven't heard
of brains being
linked to behavior,

but I suppose
anything is possible.

Mom, is Dad gonna die?

No, Chris,
Brian is the one
with the brain tumor.

Dr. Hartman,
what's the prognosis?

Well, it says here
Brian's tumor is
for office use only.

Benign, it says benign.

Brian, that's wonderful news.

You're going to be okay.

Winning.

Remember somebody said that?

Well, since Brian's tumor
poses no immediate threat,

we can schedule
surgery to remove it,

and he'll be back to
his old self in no time.

Well, I say we get
that tumor out of him

right away before
he gets any dumber.

No way,
I'm never going
back to my old self.

I rock like this.

I'm legit,
I'm uber,
I'm awesome-sauce.

Either take the tumor out of him

or put one in me.
I can't stand this!

So, if Brian
doesn't have the surgery,
will he be all right?

I don't know,
is Dax Shepard
all right?

Seems kind of gratuitous.

My point is,
Brian could have the surgery
and be smart again,

or he could skip the surgery
and stay dumb like this.

Well, Brian,
if you're happy this way...

Hells to the yeah, I am.

Hey, I was told there would be
a lollipop at the end of this?

Good, he doesn't
know about the stickers.

I'll take two.

Brian, you're not
thinking clearly, all right?

You've got to
agree to this surgery.

Because right now,
you're as useless

as Black Widow is
to the Avengers.

So, what's your superpower?

Kicking.

Right,
'cause none of us can kick.

Hey, which one of
you guys can kick?

Hulk, stop being nice.

Sorry.

Hey, this isn't
the Kenny Chesney concert.

No, I'm afraid
that was a white lie
to get you here, Brian.

This is the opera.

I'm hoping that
re-exposing you
to high culture

will remind you
of the joys of a refined mind.

Cool. I'm sitting on my foot
to hold in a dump.

Please don't embarrass me here.

Pepperoni pie,
extra cheese. G32.

Cool, My friend Pete is here.

Pete Za.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

That's gonna be me in,
like, a minute.

Over here, bro.

Oh, I moved my foot.

Hey, this isn't
the Kenny Chesney concert.

No, Brian, this is called yoga.

Lots of smart people do it
instead of going to church.

And after we get done with this,

you're going to talk a lot
about being present
and grounded.

You're going to be
impossible to be around.

Let's get started.

Whoa! Schwing!
Schwing! Schwing!
Schwing! Schwing!

That was from Wayne's World.

That's the sound
of Wayne's boner.

Okay,
before you say anything, no,

this is not
the Kenny Chesney concert.

We're here to have
a nice civilized dinner

and to show you that
you don't have to eat
all your meals in your car.

Now, we're going to start
by hearing the waiter
give us the specials.

Good evening,
our first special
is an almond-crusted salmon...

Hey, cram it, skinny.

Give me free food or
I'm gonna tell people

on Yelp there was
a pube in my salad.

Free food, right away.

Okay, all right.

I forgot that Yelp
is a weapon for dumb people.

You taught me
something today, Bri.

That I can throw
a frog 100 feet?

Ugh, I can't change you back.

This whole endeavor
was doomed to fail.

Like an Asian guy
going to a salon.

Hi, I want to have
my anus breached.

He's gone, Rupert.

It appears I've lost
Brian to the dumb side.

So now I need you to be Brian.

Here's your collar,
and here's a laptop.

Write something bad.

"It was the last day of summer
and the first day of
the rest of her life."

Wow!
You did that with your face.

Hey, what's this?

Gaylord practice?

That's the eighth time
you've asked me that today.

Listen, Brian,
I've been
trying to change you.

But I realize
that if you're happy,

I need to accept the you
that you want to be.

No matter how painful that is.

What are you doing?

My friend Terry told
me you can get high
from licking paint.

Who's Terry?
He's friends with Gus.

Who's Gus?

Gus is Terry's friend.

You kind of had to be there.

For what?
No story has been told.

Okay, well,
I'm gonna go put on my python
and walk to the park.

Brian, wait. I'm...

I'm trying to say
that I accept your choice
to forego surgery.

I release you
into the thick mire
of stupidity.

Hey, Brian, I started
the car in the garage
and it's all foggy in there.

Want to go
pretend we're in London?

Totally.

Shrimp on the barbie, huh?

Yes.

Good Lord,
if I don't do something,
his stupidity will kill him.

And then I'd lose Brian forever.

Like that dog
the Russians shot into space.

He made it.
Your dog is in orbit.

Is wonderful.

How do we get him back now?

Oh...

About that.

We do not.

Oh, my poor dog.

He will die up there.

Joke on them.

I find happy dog planet.

In 50 years,
we all go back to Earth
and bite everybody.

But now we dance.

I've got to convince him to get

that tumor removed
before it's too late.

Now, remember, it's England,
so take long deep breaths.

Wait a second.

I've been approaching this
far too intelligently.

He's an idiot,
so this won't be hard at all.

Hey, Brian, you want
to go see Dr. Hartman

and get that procedure
where you get two wieners?

Whoa! Hell yeah!

That way,
when I watch Black Swan,

I can aim one at
Natalie Portman
and aim the other at...

Yes, yes, yes, we all know
who the other one was.

Let's go.

Well, good news, Griffins.
Brian is gonna be just fine.

I was able to remove his tumor.

And if anyone
wants to keep it,
it's here in this Tupperware.

This is half of
a chicken cutlet.

Oh, boy.
What did I have for lunch?

Oh, Brian,
I'm so glad you're all right.

Thanks.

But this is all kind of surreal.

I mean,
being in this hospital bed,

I feel like the main character
of As I Lay Dying as
he or she lay dying.

That's just
the amount of superficial

quasi-knowledge
the old Brian had.

I missed you, buddy.

Welcome back.

Thanks, Stewie.

You never gave up on me.

You knew that wasn't really me.

Yeah, well, it's no big...

I mean, I was having fun,
making new friends,

getting laid all the time,
sleeping like a rock,
but you made the call.

You unilaterally
decided I was better off

a bitter alcoholic failure
who can only hang
out with a baby.

Hey. We have fun.

Hey, Lois, guess what.

I had them do
that two-wiener
operation on me.

You what?

Double trouble.

Uh-oh.

That was the original.