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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,207
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:11,776
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,846
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:18,250
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:21,486
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,554 --> 00:00:23,232
♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:23,256 --> 00:00:24,890
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:29,894
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:39,904
Oh, I love shopping
at Christmas time.
11
00:00:39,974 --> 00:00:42,574
Ugh, mall food courts
are so depressing.
12
00:00:42,642 --> 00:00:45,242
You can always tell
which fathers are
disappointed in their sons
13
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:48,046
because they eat lunch
with their coats still on.
14
00:00:48,114 --> 00:00:49,448
How's that food, dum-dum?
15
00:00:49,516 --> 00:00:51,182
Too bad eating ain't math,
'cause then
16
00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:52,884
I'd have something
to be proud of.
17
00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:54,597
I want to go live with Mom.
18
00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,555
I know. So do I.
19
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,135
Welcome to Tommy Bahama.
20
00:00:59,159 --> 00:01:01,159
Yeah, you got anything
for a poor, fat person
21
00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:03,906
who wants to look
like a rich, fat person?
Of course.
22
00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:05,897
Now, I'll mostly be
hitting on waitresses
23
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:08,600
who are too young and thin
to ever be interested in me.
24
00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:10,902
Hitting on them
in a kindly, genial way?
25
00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:14,306
No, in a threatening, creepy,
I'm-joking-but-I'm-not-
really-joking way.
26
00:01:14,374 --> 00:01:15,907
You have anything for that?
27
00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:19,411
Sir, what you're
describing is precisely
Mr. Bahama's vision.
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00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:24,048
Tommy Bahama,five million unclescan't be wrong.
29
00:01:24,117 --> 00:01:26,662
Hey, sorry to bother you,
but would you
like to work here?
30
00:01:26,686 --> 00:01:27,752
Me?
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00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:29,466
Yeah, you'd be perfect.
32
00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:32,658
All right, now let me
just take off these
security tags for you.
33
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,594
It's a living.
34
00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:43,902
So random.
35
00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:46,004
That's a comment on us.
36
00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:48,206
Hey, check that out.
37
00:01:51,678 --> 00:01:53,578
Oh, wow.
This is awesome!
38
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:56,807
You know Jeff Garlin
has one of these
in his house.
39
00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:59,284
Ah, I love this chair.
40
00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:02,020
Dog in a Jets jersey,
get in here.
41
00:02:02,088 --> 00:02:05,657
God, I have the best basement.
42
00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:08,494
Peter, this chair costs $3,000.
43
00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:10,039
That's not so much, Lois.
44
00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:12,609
It's only infinity times
what you bring
home every week.
45
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:13,698
Peter, look over there.
46
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,267
Is that...
Is that Jesus?
47
00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:18,970
Whoa, yeah, wow.
48
00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:20,883
It's been a while
since we've seen him.
49
00:02:20,907 --> 00:02:22,374
Hey, Jesus.
50
00:02:22,442 --> 00:02:23,887
Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, buddy.
51
00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:25,454
What are you doing in Quahog?
52
00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:27,257
Actually, I never left.
53
00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:28,846
Really? Why didn't
you call us?
54
00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:31,682
Well, I felt kind of bad
about how we left things.
55
00:02:31,751 --> 00:02:33,262
I wasn't sure you'd
want to hear from me.
56
00:02:33,286 --> 00:02:34,286
Oh, that's silly.
57
00:02:34,354 --> 00:02:36,154
We could never stay mad at you.
58
00:02:36,223 --> 00:02:38,201
Yeah, I've never been
one to hold grudges.
59
00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:40,959
I even forgave the man
who murdered my son.
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00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:43,228
And although I
will never get over
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00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:46,464
the pain of what
you did to my son,
62
00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:49,234
I forgive you, because I believe
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00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:52,137
you are sick and
in need of help.
64
00:02:52,206 --> 00:02:54,273
Mr. Griffin,
this is the Office
of City Planning.
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00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,975
You requested a variance
to build a hot tub
off your garage.
66
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,088
Oh, yeah.
67
00:02:58,112 --> 00:02:59,778
Did I get it?
No.
68
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:01,146
I will kill your son!
69
00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:02,780
Your son is dead!
70
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:04,961
I'm so glad
there's no
hard feelings.
71
00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:06,562
Listen, Peter,
we should catch up.
72
00:03:06,586 --> 00:03:08,531
Why don't you
come over to my place
for a beer or something?
73
00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:09,754
Aw, that sounds great.
74
00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:11,100
Hey, you want me
to pick anything up
75
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,657
on the way over
or no, you're good?
76
00:03:12,725 --> 00:03:13,858
Oh, uh...
77
00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:16,161
I guess we could
maybe just order something.
78
00:03:16,229 --> 00:03:18,563
Yeah, I don't have any cash,
but we'll figure it out.
79
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:27,839
Hey, Peter.
Come on in.
Mi Casa... Uh...
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00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:29,108
I don't know Spanish.
81
00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:30,575
Huh.
82
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:33,511
I think half the world
would be surprised
to know that.
83
00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:35,013
Hey, nice place here.
84
00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:37,148
This is not too...
Too...
85
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,662
It's not...
It's not too...
Not too good.
86
00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:41,331
Yeah, I know it's nothing fancy,
87
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:44,301
but, you know,
I'm not really into
material possessions.
88
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:46,024
Geez, this place is depressing.
89
00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:48,438
Hey, how come you
aren't with your family
during Christmas, anyway?
90
00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:50,962
I can't deal with my family
during the holidays.
91
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:53,376
And besides, my dad
always spends Christmas
at his time-share
92
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,600
in Coral Gables
with his girlfriend.
93
00:03:56,937 --> 00:04:00,238
Great, here comes
that couple with
the adult disabled kid.
94
00:04:00,307 --> 00:04:01,673
Hey, can we join you?
95
00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:05,344
I'm Ken, this is Pam
and this right here
is Scott.
96
00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:07,723
We really want
to thank you, God,
for testing us.
97
00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:08,959
It's been such a blessing.
98
00:04:08,983 --> 00:04:12,617
Can't wait to see what
that "bigger plan" is.
99
00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:14,219
Well, I can't tell you that.
100
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:17,656
But the good news is,
this little guy's
gonna make it to 74.
101
00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:20,358
Oh, look, Jesus,
you shouldn't be
alone during Christmas.
102
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:23,595
And if I remember correctly,
isn't your birthday
sometime soon, too?
103
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:25,341
Ah, whatever, I'm fine.
104
00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:27,410
I'll probably just
reheat some ramen
and watch Grey's Anatomy.
105
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:28,700
No way.
106
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:31,114
I'm not gonna let my pal Jesus
spend his birthday like that.
107
00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:32,337
Hey, you know what?
108
00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:34,539
I am throwing you
the best birthday party ever.
109
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:35,818
Are you sure about that?
110
00:04:35,842 --> 00:04:37,442
Yeah, I'm great at
throwing parties.
111
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:39,577
I was in charge of
planning Woodstock.
112
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,091
All right, guys,
here's what
I'm thinking,
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00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:43,715
a whole festival of muddy boobs.
114
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,729
Well, don't you want
to have music?
115
00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:47,119
Oh, yeah.
116
00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:50,427
That's a good way
to get those
muddy boobs moving.
117
00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:56,627
All right, you guys,
Jesus' birthday party
is gonna be epic.
118
00:04:56,696 --> 00:04:58,441
Hey, since it's also Christmas,
119
00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:00,176
maybe we could make it,
like, a Christmas theme.
120
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,577
What about Secret Santa?
121
00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:02,712
That's always fun.
122
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,703
Okay, but $5 limit.
123
00:05:04,771 --> 00:05:06,371
Why don't we just say no gifts?
124
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,484
Come on, guys, we don't
have to make such
a big thing about it.
125
00:05:08,508 --> 00:05:10,742
It's not like I'm a woman
who's about to turn 30.
126
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,989
You guys,
I don't care what
we do for my birthday,
127
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,557
as long as it
lasts the whole week
128
00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:17,527
and is very expensive
and inconvenient for
all my friends.
129
00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:19,262
Oh, and I'm gonna
dress like a slut
130
00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:20,930
and be rude
to everyone
for no reason.
131
00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:22,031
But, Maya...
132
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,400
I don't care that
your dad's dying,
133
00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:25,664
we're all going to
Montreal for the week.
134
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:26,858
Wait, hold on.
135
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:28,405
If we're planning a party,
we haven't even
136
00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:29,939
talked about
the most important thing.
137
00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:32,631
A hydration plan for
people who overheat?
138
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,866
It could be as
simple as an ice bath.
139
00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:36,479
No, no, I'm talking about women.
140
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:38,570
Oh, yeah, we definitely
need some women there.
141
00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:40,204
Jesus, what kind of
girls do you like?
142
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:41,806
Women? Uh...
143
00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:43,474
All types, I guess.
144
00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:44,609
"All types"?
145
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,244
Come on, Jesus.
146
00:05:46,312 --> 00:05:48,391
Even Martin Lawrence,
when he used to
dress up like Sheneneh?
147
00:05:48,415 --> 00:05:50,481
Sheneneh.
148
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:51,928
No, you know what I mean.
149
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,596
Like, uh, hot ladies.
150
00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:56,054
Horny ones who sex on you.
151
00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:57,433
What?
Yeah, you know.
152
00:05:57,457 --> 00:06:01,292
They come back to your house
and sit on your butt.
153
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:03,194
Wait a minute.
154
00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:05,964
Jesus, have you
ever been with a woman?
155
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,265
Are you...
156
00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:08,767
Are you a virgin?
157
00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:10,769
Yeah, I am.
158
00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:12,470
How the hell does that happen?
159
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:15,540
Well, in high school,
my best friend was
this hot prostitute,
160
00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,742
and I just kind of got
into the friend zone.
161
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:20,690
She's all like,
"Oh, there's all these guys
having sex with me for money."
162
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,358
And I'm all like,
"Oh, you deserve better."
163
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,515
And then I died.
164
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:24,983
Well, sex is overrated.
165
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:26,051
Stay out of this, Joe.
166
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,263
All right, look,
forget the party.
167
00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:29,053
We got a more
important mission now.
168
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:32,991
Your 2,000-year-long
cold streak is about
to come to an end.
169
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,593
What do you mean?
170
00:06:34,661 --> 00:06:37,829
I'm saying, Jesus,
we are gonna help you
lose your virginity.
171
00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:41,132
God, I love sex.
172
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,118
All right,
me and the guys are off
173
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:50,520
to help Jesus
lose his virginity.
174
00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:52,755
Just put it in the oven
for half an hour at 350.
175
00:06:52,779 --> 00:06:54,023
What?
I don't know.
176
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:55,792
That's what you always say
when you leave the house.
177
00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:57,448
Oh, Peter, just be careful.
178
00:06:57,517 --> 00:06:59,450
Losing your virginity
is a big deal.
179
00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:01,953
I'm sure Jesus
doesn't want
some gross quickie.
180
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,632
No, no, no, it's gonna
be nothing like that.
181
00:07:03,656 --> 00:07:05,634
Just some random slut
to maul in a bar
182
00:07:05,658 --> 00:07:07,203
back where
the payphones
used to be.
183
00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:09,093
Peter, that's what
I'm talking about.
184
00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,682
You're making this
whole thing crude.
185
00:07:10,730 --> 00:07:12,297
It's his first time.
186
00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:13,832
You need to be more sensitive.
187
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:16,712
Don't worry, Lois.
I swear, I'll be
sensitive and gentle.
188
00:07:16,736 --> 00:07:19,470
Like the Tasmanian Devil
tucking in his kids.
189
00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:43,706
All right, Jesus,
these speed date nights
190
00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:45,930
are the best way
to meet a lot of chicks fast.
191
00:07:45,998 --> 00:07:47,164
Now go get 'em.
192
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:48,433
So, where do you live?
193
00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,213
Everywhere, all places.
194
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:51,381
Hopefully, inside you.
195
00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:55,485
This is kind of embarrassing,
but are you okay with
someone who smokes?
196
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:56,841
Oh, yeah.
197
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:58,787
Are you okay
with someone who
wanders the desert,
198
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,823
lecturing people on how to act?
199
00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:02,713
So, are you having
a good Friday?
200
00:08:02,782 --> 00:08:04,060
Oh, is that supposed
to be funny?
201
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,861
Shut your mouth, bitch.
202
00:08:05,885 --> 00:08:07,819
How's the wine?
It's terrific.
203
00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:09,665
That's my blood, you know.
204
00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:10,722
Where are you from?
205
00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:12,750
Israel.
206
00:08:14,894 --> 00:08:16,774
All right, Jesus,
nowadays, everything
207
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,174
is done on the Internet,
all right?
208
00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:19,775
So, we got to get
you on Facebook.
209
00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:22,967
Uh, let me just close
a couple of these windows.
There we go.
210
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:25,014
Sorry, I was up late last night.
211
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,337
Had the house to myself.
212
00:08:26,406 --> 00:08:27,738
Sorry. Sorry.
213
00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:29,374
Lot of POV stuff.
214
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:33,111
Yeah, I like to
pretend it's mine down there
what's doing all the slapping.
215
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:35,813
Peter, how old is that girl?
216
00:08:35,882 --> 00:08:37,681
Excuse me, won't you?
217
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:11,249
Argh! Lot of scumbags
out today.
218
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:17,655
Well, no luck
getting Jesus laid yet.
219
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:20,625
I don't get it. Jewish guys
are supposed to be
swimming in tail.
220
00:09:20,693 --> 00:09:24,195
Peter, Jesus is
never gonna find a woman
going about it your way.
221
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:26,275
I think it's time I had
a little talk with him
222
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:28,265
so he knows what
a woman really wants.
223
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:29,945
All right, knock yourself out.
224
00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:31,803
Don't look,
don't look, don't look.
225
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:40,478
Jesus, I asked you to
lunch because I think
you've been getting bad advice
226
00:09:40,546 --> 00:09:42,480
about finding a special someone.
227
00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:44,060
Well, Peter's been
doing his best,
228
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,828
but lately he seems more focused
229
00:09:45,852 --> 00:09:48,319
on marketing his
erotic Advent calendar.
230
00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:50,833
All right, kids,
let's see what's
under Christmas...
231
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:53,358
Ugh! Another
puckered anus.
232
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:56,894
Look, Jesus, just forget
whatever Peter's
been telling you.
233
00:09:56,963 --> 00:10:01,566
You just have to be yourself
and let a sweet girl
see that side of you.
234
00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:03,679
Well, you're easy to talk to.
235
00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:06,082
I just get
all tongue-tied
with other girls.
236
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,439
Plus, being myself
isn't that impressive.
237
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:09,673
What do you mean?
238
00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:12,043
You're sensitive,
you died for our sins
239
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:15,046
and ascended into heaven,
and you got nice skin.
240
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:18,582
Don't be afraid to
be honest with a girl
and show her who you are.
241
00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:20,317
Wow, thanks, Lois.
242
00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:23,021
That's the second-best advice
anyone's ever given me.
243
00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:24,133
I don't know, man.
244
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:26,457
Jesus "Hitler"
Christ sounds weird.
245
00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:28,426
So just go with "H"?
Yeah.
246
00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:34,444
All right, guys,
let's not get
discouraged, okay?
247
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:37,001
We just got to
be more creative
about getting Jesus laid.
248
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:39,982
I just tell folks to
go down to the Happy
Handy Smile Massage
249
00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:41,439
and get it over with.
250
00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:44,743
I sometimes go down there,
and when they tell me
I'm done, I leave.
251
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:46,111
Hey, guys.
252
00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:48,379
Uh, Peter, can I talk
to you for a sec?
Sure.
253
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,481
Peter, listen.
254
00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:52,561
I've found the woman
who I'd like to
lose my virginity to.
255
00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:54,318
It's someone who understands me
256
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:56,020
and someone I
feel very close to.
257
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,966
Oh, wow.
Jesus, that's great.
258
00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,268
Hey, is it Carrie Underwood?
259
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:00,936
Somebody told me
you guys went out once.
260
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:01,960
Yeah, we did.
261
00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:03,661
But it was a disaster.
262
00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:05,729
Jesus, take the wheel.
What?
263
00:11:05,798 --> 00:11:07,809
I want to kill
these fucking cops.
264
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:13,872
Actually, Peter,
I want my first time
to be with Lois.
265
00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:16,151
Lois, my partner
at the law firm?
266
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:18,008
No, Peter.
It's your Lois.
267
00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:19,143
Lois Griffin.
268
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:20,212
What?
269
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,013
I am outraged.
270
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:25,650
But probably not as outraged
as the ten million
Christians watching.
271
00:11:25,718 --> 00:11:27,919
Please write to
this address, quickly.
272
00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:30,554
Maybe we can both stop
these Hollywood Jew writers
273
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:33,257
from wrecking my marriage
and your religion.
274
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:42,112
You want to lose
your virginity to Lois?
No way.
275
00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:44,201
Look, Peter,
I know it's
a lot to ask.
276
00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:46,403
But if it wasn't okay,
I wouldn't suggest it.
277
00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:47,817
Well, you make a good point.
278
00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:49,752
But this is my wife
you're talking about.
279
00:11:49,776 --> 00:11:50,909
Please, Peter?
280
00:11:50,977 --> 00:11:52,822
I just know
Lois would make
my first experience
281
00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:55,246
as special and memorable
as it should be.
282
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,115
Plus, I can make
it worth your while.
283
00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:58,983
After all, I'm Jesus.
284
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,052
I could give you
anything you want.
285
00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:02,186
Anything?
286
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:04,222
Like... Like
anything in the universe?
287
00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:05,291
Absolutely.
288
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:06,735
Brookstone massage chair.
289
00:12:06,759 --> 00:12:09,393
Really?
Are you sure?
Yep.
290
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:11,540
Never been more sure
of anything in my life.
291
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,964
Well, except one thing.
292
00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:14,076
Good evening, sir.
293
00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:15,711
Would you like to
hear our specials?
294
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,068
No! Pizza!
295
00:12:21,507 --> 00:12:22,852
Let me get this straight.
296
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:25,587
You want me
to have sex
with another man?
297
00:12:25,611 --> 00:12:26,971
Oh, not just any man, Lois.
298
00:12:27,013 --> 00:12:28,780
This is Jesus
we're talking about.
299
00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:29,848
He's a savior.
300
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,316
He could even save our marriage.
301
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:33,662
Why? What's wrong
with our marriage?
302
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:35,219
"What's wrong
with our marriage?"
303
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:37,499
You're sitting around,
talking about sleeping
with other guys.
304
00:12:37,523 --> 00:12:39,501
Peter, this was your idea.
305
00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:41,192
Lois, let's not
play the blame game.
306
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,239
Clearly, there's
been a lot of cheating
on both sides,
307
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,597
but the point is
where do we go from here?
308
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:46,809
Huh, I don't know.
309
00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:49,200
Sleeping with Jesus
just feels wrong.
310
00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:51,948
Doesn't the Bible say
not to covet thy
neighbor's wife?
311
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,584
Oh, come on, Lois,
the Bible's just a bunch
of general guidelines.
312
00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:56,285
None of the commandments
are written in stone.
313
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:57,687
You're really okay with this?
314
00:12:57,711 --> 00:12:58,810
Of course.
315
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:00,912
Look, there really is
no downside to this.
316
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,948
It's one of those
things that seems bad,
but really is good.
317
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:06,718
Like that fracking company
we let drill in the backyard.
318
00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:10,365
Well, I guess it
is kind of an honor
319
00:13:10,389 --> 00:13:14,058
that out of all
the people in the world,
Jesus chose me.
320
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:15,704
I mean, he could've had anyone.
321
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:19,530
Elizabeth Perkins,
Patricia Richardson,
Katey Sagal.
322
00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:20,698
Yeah.
323
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:22,277
I mean, maybe not them,
but somebody else.
324
00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:25,661
And the son of
God's first time
should be special.
325
00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:27,104
Even divine.
326
00:13:27,173 --> 00:13:29,874
Maybe I'd actually
be doing a good thing.
327
00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:31,286
You sure about this, Peter?
328
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:32,409
You bet.
329
00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:35,412
As sure as I was when
I created Lady Gaga.
330
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,426
All right, listen, fella,
your game is confusion.
331
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,650
Zip, zam, zoop!
332
00:13:38,718 --> 00:13:41,998
Nobody gets
a straight look
at nothing.
333
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:47,592
Boy, this must be killing you.
334
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,294
You're an atheist,
and the one guy
you don't believe in
335
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,497
is getting to bang
the woman of your dreams.
336
00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,209
You know what?
I don't have to sit
here and take this.
337
00:13:54,233 --> 00:13:55,700
I'm out of here.
338
00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:59,704
Can... Can you let
me outside?
339
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:03,375
Hi, Peter.
340
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,154
Well, hello, young man.
341
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:06,444
Don't you look nice?
342
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:07,912
She's almost ready.
343
00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:13,884
♪ There she goes
344
00:14:13,953 --> 00:14:17,621
♪ There she goes again
345
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:21,426
♪ Pulsing through my veins
346
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:24,695
♪ And I just
can't contain... ♪
347
00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:28,332
I'm sorry,
I was just coming down
the stairs at the same time.
348
00:14:32,138 --> 00:14:33,170
Wow, Mom.
349
00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:34,905
You look beautiful.
350
00:14:34,974 --> 00:14:36,685
Well, we know he's circumcised,
351
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,487
so she won't have to deal
with that nonsense.
352
00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:40,389
Oh, and don't worry
about not hitting bottom.
353
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:43,414
I've only grazed it once
and that was with
a running start.
354
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,198
Hey, Jerome,
give me another
Pawtucket Pat.
355
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,423
I'll take it
over here on my
Brookstone massage chair.
356
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,036
That's a nice chair, Peter.
357
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:56,238
Hey, do you think
if I let Jesus sleep
with Bonnie,
358
00:14:56,262 --> 00:14:58,173
he'd give me back
the use of my legs?
359
00:14:58,197 --> 00:14:59,374
Joe, I don't speak for Jesus.
360
00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:00,764
I just get him trim.
361
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:03,468
Now to take this
thing out for a spin.
362
00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:20,985
Ah, time for a relaxing,
sponsored daydream.
363
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,093
Oh, Jesus.
364
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,461
Jesus.
365
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:31,962
Jesus.
366
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,466
God, I love massage chairs.
367
00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:36,601
Are you in one, too?
368
00:15:36,670 --> 00:15:38,169
Yes, but it's horrible.
369
00:15:38,237 --> 00:15:41,150
It was bought for me
by Jesus, but now
he's doing my wife.
370
00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:43,574
Oh. I'm just trying
mine out in the store.
371
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,144
Guys.
372
00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:47,689
I think I might've
made a terrible mistake
373
00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:49,225
with this whole
Lois and Jesus thing.
374
00:15:49,249 --> 00:15:50,759
I don't blame you, Peter.
375
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:53,395
I always thought
it was sort of
a strange choice
376
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:56,020
to let Jesus have
relations with your wife.
377
00:15:56,088 --> 00:15:59,423
I'm sorry, did you say
Jesus is sleeping
with your wife?
378
00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:02,627
Great, now everybody knows
my wife is taking
Jesus's virginity.
379
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:05,029
Listen, pal, Jesus
ain't no virgin.
380
00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:07,198
He did
the same thing to me
last Christmas.
381
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:08,866
He what?
382
00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:11,602
Yeah, Jesus did
the same thing to my wife
Christmas before last
383
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,671
and my buddy's wife
the year before that.
384
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:14,972
What the hell?
385
00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:16,340
But he's so lonely.
386
00:16:16,408 --> 00:16:18,743
Nah, he just acts lonely
and lies about being a virgin
387
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,611
so he can get with guys' wives.
388
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,691
Did he show you that
sad little apartment?
389
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:24,126
He doesn't really live there.
390
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:26,762
He just uses it
to store art he
bought on cruises.
391
00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:28,886
Oh, my God, what have I done?
392
00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:30,166
Peter, maybe there's still time.
393
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:31,522
Maybe you can stop 'em.
394
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,268
Where are they?
They're at
the Barrington Hotel.
395
00:16:33,292 --> 00:16:34,292
Let's go, guys.
396
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,861
I just ordered nachos,
but good luck, Peter.
397
00:16:36,930 --> 00:16:40,531
Now for a slippy,
no-boots run through
the snow to my car.
398
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:57,982
Aw, crap!
I just pulled a thousand muscles.
399
00:17:12,766 --> 00:17:14,042
Ow! That was
a loud crack.
400
00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:15,778
Ah, yeah, that was all bone.
401
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,813
Oh! Aw!
Son of a whore.
402
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:20,082
Oh, this is bad.
This is real bad.
403
00:17:20,106 --> 00:17:22,506
I'm not gonna go to
the doctor, though.
404
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,729
Damn it.
405
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:30,459
Get out!
I need this car.
406
00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:32,094
What are you, a cop?
No.
407
00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:34,352
Jesus is about to
have sex with my wife.
408
00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:36,721
Oh, then here, take it.
409
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:37,988
Get out, I need this car.
410
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,357
So do I.
411
00:17:39,425 --> 00:17:41,470
Jesus Christ
is about to have
sex with my wife.
412
00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:43,961
Lenny Kravitz
is about to have
sex with my daughter.
413
00:17:44,029 --> 00:17:45,396
Oh! Oh, my God.
414
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:48,733
Here, take the car,
take the car.
415
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:49,911
Get out of here.
What are you doing?
416
00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:51,302
Go, go, go.
417
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:54,350
Hey, kid, I need that toboggan.
418
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:56,752
Jesus Christ
is gonna have
sex with my wife.
419
00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:58,476
Um, okay.
420
00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:00,356
And I need your little hat.
421
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:03,013
And those Spider-Man mittens,
I'll need those, too.
422
00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:04,427
And what's in your pockets?
423
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:07,285
A rabbit's foot, a penknife,
a bottle cap, a compass...
424
00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:09,513
All of it, all of it.
425
00:18:20,466 --> 00:18:22,533
Aw, crap, I'm out of hill.
426
00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:27,205
You there! Boy.
427
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:28,516
What does that sign say?
428
00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:30,440
I ain't much for
book reading, sir.
429
00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:33,010
But I seen our Lord and Savior
bring a lady in there
430
00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:35,112
for a Christmas rogering, I did.
431
00:18:35,181 --> 00:18:37,462
You're a good boy.
Here's a goose.
432
00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:41,786
What room is Jesus in?
433
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:43,432
What room is Lenny Kravitz in?
434
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,723
Aw, you were coming here, too?
We could've carpooled.
435
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:49,427
Lois! Lois!
436
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:51,473
You son of a bitch.
437
00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:53,242
What have you
done to my marriage?
438
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:54,632
Peter?
439
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,000
Lois, don't do this.
440
00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:58,669
I think I had, like,
a Christmas miracle.
441
00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:02,540
I realized I don't
want other people
humping my wife for a chair.
442
00:19:02,608 --> 00:19:03,674
It's okay, Peter.
443
00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:05,042
Nothing happened.
444
00:19:05,110 --> 00:19:06,154
It didn't?
445
00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:08,145
No, I couldn't sleep with him.
446
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:09,747
Not that I wasn't tempted.
447
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:12,616
He put actual strawberries
in a glass of champagne,
448
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:16,219
which was about the classiest,
sexiest thing I'd ever seen.
449
00:19:16,288 --> 00:19:19,089
But...
I couldn't
go through with it.
450
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:21,592
Our marriage is
too important to me.
451
00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:26,130
I love you, Lois.
452
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:28,899
I don't know
what I was thinking.
453
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:29,968
But you.
454
00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:31,836
You're a liar, Jesus.
455
00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:35,306
Bravo, Peter, Lois.
456
00:19:35,374 --> 00:19:38,242
Seems like you folks
learned the lesson
I intended.
457
00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:40,010
What lesson?
458
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:46,951
Oh, you know, uh, that,
uh, this holiest of days
is about appreciating
459
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:52,056
our loved ones and, uh,
resisting temptation.
460
00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:54,202
Oh, so it was a test.
461
00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:57,406
Like when your
father told Abraham
to sacrifice Isaac?
462
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:58,596
Yes, that.
463
00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:00,364
That's exactly right.
464
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:02,767
Uh, well, I can see
my work here is done.
465
00:20:02,835 --> 00:20:04,435
Well taught, Jesus.
466
00:20:04,503 --> 00:20:05,503
Well taught.
467
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:06,871
Yeah, I guess.
Who cares?
468
00:20:06,940 --> 00:20:08,673
I'm not even real.
Merry Christmas.
469
00:20:15,181 --> 00:20:18,482
Well, Lois, I'm sure glad
you didn't have sex
with the Messiah.
470
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:19,816
Me, too, Peter.
471
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,219
Now let's open
your presents, kids.
472
00:20:22,288 --> 00:20:24,388
Oh, Rupert, you're such a sneak.
473
00:20:24,457 --> 00:20:25,956
I wonder what it is.
474
00:20:27,994 --> 00:20:29,026
Oh.
475
00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:31,228
A Joni Mitchell CD.
476
00:20:31,297 --> 00:20:34,465
"To continue your
emotional education."
477
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:35,777
That's great.
478
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,001
That's really great.
479
00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:40,137
Could you excuse me
for just one moment?
480
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,118
♪ I've looked at clouds
from both sides now... ♪
481
00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:45,476
Who did he buy the necklace for?
482
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:50,715
I'm gonna let
that teddy bear
go all the way.
36151
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