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♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,073
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:11,709
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,778 --> 00:00:14,979
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:18,250
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,318 --> 00:00:21,486
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,165
♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:24,956
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:29,862
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:35,645
Live from New York City,
11
00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:38,570
it's the J.C. Penney
Thanksgiving Day Parade.
12
00:00:38,638 --> 00:00:40,472
The J.C. Penney parade?
13
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,185
Yeah, it's like
the Macy's parade,
14
00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:44,254
only without
licensed characters.
15
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:47,212
With the popular balloons
we all know and love.
16
00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:52,984
Mickey Rabbit,Sponge Cow, and Cliftonthe Small Blue Dog.
17
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:56,054
Peter, get in here!
18
00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:59,203
You want to tell me
what the hell happened
to our Thanksgiving turkey?
19
00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,026
Oh, that, uh...
20
00:01:01,094 --> 00:01:04,040
Well, last night,
Brian and I got drunk
and ate the turkey.
21
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:07,099
But before you get mad,
we also ate the salad.
22
00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:09,134
Damn it, how could
you guys do that?
23
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,647
Boy, I must have been
really drunk. I don't
remember any of that.
24
00:01:11,671 --> 00:01:14,339
No problem. Instagram
remembers for you.
25
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:23,415
Peter, we've got
a houseful of people coming
26
00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:24,916
and they're expecting a turkey.
27
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,663
Well, if they're
expecting a turkey,
28
00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:28,331
I'll just put on
Evan Almighty for them.
29
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:29,555
Zap!
30
00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,958
You and Brian
better get another
turkey right now!
31
00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:36,261
And don't bother
coming back until you do!
32
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:37,707
Don't worry, Lois.
We will.
33
00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:38,974
Yeah, we'll be back
with a turkey
34
00:01:38,998 --> 00:01:41,065
faster than you can
say "Jack Robinson."
35
00:01:41,134 --> 00:01:42,701
Jack Rob...
36
00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:45,437
Jack Row...
37
00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:48,418
She had a stroke that killed
38
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,353
the part of her brain that
says "Jack Robinson."
39
00:01:50,377 --> 00:01:51,710
We got plenty of time.
40
00:01:57,084 --> 00:01:58,794
All right, Brian,
first order of business,
41
00:01:58,818 --> 00:02:00,230
we have to decide
who gets to ride
42
00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:01,598
in the cart and
who has to push it.
43
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:02,888
Well, I'm smaller, so...
44
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,834
The decision has been made.
45
00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:06,778
Ooh, now I want that one.
46
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:12,442
Aw, crap,
looks like they're
completely sold out.
47
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:15,533
Yeah, sorry.
We just sold our
last turkey to that guy.
48
00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:22,273
You are the turkey I
have chosen to pardon.
Fly free, turkey!
49
00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:27,679
Oh, fudgsicles!
50
00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:33,462
Hey, you don't sell
turkeys here, do you?
51
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:36,132
We've been to every
grocery store in town
with no luck.
52
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,089
No, the only thing
we really sell here
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00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,058
are these little
packets of weird vitamins
54
00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:43,061
that vaguely suggest
they help you
in the bedroom.
55
00:02:43,129 --> 00:02:46,698
"Performance and stamina,
for men."
56
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,500
I know what that means.
57
00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:56,352
Peter, enough.
Come to bed.
58
00:02:56,376 --> 00:02:59,177
Uh-uh, Lois. The packet says
I got to play till I'm raw.
59
00:03:04,151 --> 00:03:05,494
Can't believe every turkey
60
00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:08,053
within a 60-mile radius of
Quahog is sold out.
61
00:03:08,122 --> 00:03:09,187
I know.
62
00:03:09,256 --> 00:03:10,366
And now we're so far from home,
63
00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:12,090
none of your stations even work.
64
00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:14,838
From the 15...
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00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,039
Coming up in two minutes...
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00:03:16,063 --> 00:03:18,296
♪ She thinks I'm beautiful
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00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:20,932
♪ Meet Virginia
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00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:23,135
Is this...
Is this fine?
69
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,849
I mean, it's not...
It's... Yeah, it's fine
if you think it's fine.
70
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,939
It's not that
good of a song,
but we know it.
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00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:29,374
Yeah, okay. Sure.
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00:03:29,442 --> 00:03:30,942
♪ She never compromises ♪
73
00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:32,177
Brian, I love Train.
74
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,678
I fucking love Train.
75
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,762
Chris, are Brian and
your father back yet?
76
00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:42,187
No. And why are you saying
the dog's name before Dad's?
77
00:03:42,255 --> 00:03:44,356
It's weird.
That is weird,
you're right.
78
00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:45,802
Well, they'd better
get here soon.
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00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:48,638
I can't host this
Thanksgiving dinner
on my own.
80
00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:50,562
Hear that?
This thing's all on you.
81
00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:52,542
What? What are
you talking about?
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00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,644
Well, the fat man's
never going to
get back in time,
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00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:57,168
and with him gone,
that makes you
the man of the house.
84
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,948
I sentence you to death!
85
00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:02,139
Chris, Chris, slow down.
I'm just saying,
without Peter here,
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00:04:02,208 --> 00:04:04,354
you're going to have to be
the host of Thanksgiving.
87
00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:06,745
You have to do everything
the fat man normally would.
88
00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:08,847
You mean, like,
fall asleep on the toilet
89
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,483
and have a big red ring
on my bum for a week?
90
00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:14,886
No, no, no. Greeting
guests as they arrive.
Facilitating small talk.
91
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,088
And, of course, giving
the Thanksgiving toast.
92
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:21,292
Boy, yesterday
I'm microwaving a cat,
today I'm giving a speech.
93
00:04:21,361 --> 00:04:23,521
Things move fast around here.
94
00:04:28,134 --> 00:04:29,701
Hi, do you have any turkeys?
95
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,181
Sure do. You're
looking at one.
96
00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:33,382
I'm sorry.
97
00:04:33,406 --> 00:04:35,217
You have to know me
to know I'm just joking.
98
00:04:35,241 --> 00:04:40,112
Sir, the day we've had,
we could use a good
chuckle like that.
99
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:43,681
You folks are in luck.
Looks like we
have one turkey left.
100
00:04:43,751 --> 00:04:44,883
Oh, thank God.
101
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,017
You're telling me.
102
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:47,597
We didn't come
back with a turkey,
103
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,933
Lois would be madder
than that time she
got a Capp smear.
104
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:52,457
All right,
we're just going to take
a quick Capp smear.
105
00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:54,170
Don't you mean Pap smear?
106
00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:55,627
No, at this hospital
107
00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:56,928
we obtain the sample using
108
00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:59,431
beloved British comic strip
roustabout Andy Capp.
109
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,201
'Ello, luv.
Let's have a smear.
110
00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:06,149
I'm not letting
you do that.
You can't even see.
111
00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:09,241
That's all right, bird.
I goes by smell.
112
00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:15,780
Brian, look, an 8-foot basket.
113
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:19,129
Let me just dunk
the turkey once.
I know I can jam it.
114
00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:22,932
That's not a regulation rim.
115
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:25,717
Okay, you know what?
I'm in charge of the turkey.
You're driving.
116
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,165
This thing on?
Yes.
117
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:35,645
It's not making any noise.
118
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,029
It's a hybrid.
Trust me, it's on.
119
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:38,270
No, it's not. See?
120
00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,052
Oh, my God!
121
00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:10,435
Not now! Not like this!
122
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:21,313
Peter, what the hell?
You chose a turkey over me?
I almost died!
123
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:24,749
I swear to God,
I thought dogs could
breathe underwater.
124
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:34,125
Great. The water
completely killed my phone.
125
00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:35,526
Oh, horrors.
126
00:06:35,595 --> 00:06:38,107
You have to spend time
with me without
looking at your phone.
127
00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:39,330
Here, give me yours.
128
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,933
I threw mine at a duck.
129
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:44,680
Excuse me, can you help us?
We're trying to
get back to Quahog.
130
00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:47,138
If you want, I can take you
as far as the bus station.
131
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,274
You can?
Oh, thank you so much!
132
00:06:49,343 --> 00:06:51,187
Oh, that is
the nicest thing
anyone's done for me
133
00:06:51,211 --> 00:06:53,945
since my kids gave me
that Father's Day gift.
134
00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:55,933
Oh, look, a tie.
Perfect.
135
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,886
It's from all of us!
136
00:07:06,826 --> 00:07:08,759
All right, Chris, acting as host
137
00:07:08,828 --> 00:07:10,695
will demand a higher
level of conversation.
138
00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:14,566
I suggest as your opener,
"Lois, everything
is delicious."
139
00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:16,512
Then that's what I will say.
140
00:07:16,536 --> 00:07:19,549
Unless Slender Man
commands me to
say something else.
141
00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:22,907
Ugh, this is gonna
be a bigger disaster
than Y2-Gay.
142
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,676
Three!
Two! One!
143
00:07:25,745 --> 00:07:28,413
I hope my dad's
not watching ABC!
144
00:07:34,053 --> 00:07:36,932
Oh, thank God
we got on this bus.
I really had to poop.
145
00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:38,889
Wait, where is there
a bathroom on this bus?
146
00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:41,370
I didn't say
there was a bathroom,
I just said I had to poop.
147
00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:44,834
Oh, my God!
This is gross
even for a bus!
148
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:51,241
I don't know what
they were so mad about.
I did it in a Rite Aid bag.
149
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,237
Damn it, Peter!
That was our only way home!
150
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:56,586
Well, that's where
you're wrong, Brian.
Free bus bike!
151
00:07:57,610 --> 00:07:59,891
Oh, crap, this is a girl's bike.
152
00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:02,986
All right, we'll
ride it, but pray to God
nobody from school sees us.
153
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:05,350
Nice bike, butt-munch!
Shut up!
154
00:08:05,419 --> 00:08:07,552
I'm telling Miss Baumbakis!
155
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,424
Up next on Nickelodeon,
156
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,994
Uncomfortably Hot
18-Year-Old Girls.
157
00:08:16,062 --> 00:08:17,795
Honey, where are you off to?
158
00:08:17,864 --> 00:08:20,610
To the car washto raise money forour new soccer uniforms.
159
00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:22,633
Okay, have fun.
160
00:08:22,702 --> 00:08:25,981
Nickelodeon.Casually ask your daughterwhat that girl's name is,
161
00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:28,540
then take your laptop
into the bathroom.
162
00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:34,812
Uh, Mom! Daddy!
You're right on time!
163
00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:36,948
Happy Thanksgiving, dear!
164
00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:41,252
We brought some wine,
but it's good wine
so it's just for us.
165
00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:44,289
Damn it.
Where the hell are
they with that turkey?
166
00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:48,226
Hi, you've reached Brian Griffin
167
00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:50,340
of The Write Stuff
writing classes...
168
00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:51,696
Oh, God.
169
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:58,369
Come on, keep pedaling.
Dinner starts in an hour.
170
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:06,544
Damn it, Peter!
171
00:09:06,613 --> 00:09:09,214
Oh, great. You broke the chain
and now we have to walk!
172
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,349
Unless we hitchhike.
173
00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:12,617
Hitchhike?
174
00:09:12,685 --> 00:09:14,152
You know how dangerous that is?
175
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:15,698
Besides, we're in
the middle of nowhere.
176
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:16,932
There aren't even
any cars around.
177
00:09:16,956 --> 00:09:18,076
There's one.
178
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:20,491
Hey! Hey, stop!
179
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,093
Give us a ride!
180
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:25,630
It's just me and
my upright dog.
We're obviously not weirdos!
181
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,735
See, Brian? Told you.
We're going to be
home in no time.
182
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:33,637
Hi there, folks.
Hand over the turkey.
What?
183
00:09:33,706 --> 00:09:35,918
I can't go back to my
wife without a turkey!
184
00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:38,476
Oh, yeah? Bet that
thing's not even loaded.
185
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:41,912
You just used your last bullet.
186
00:09:43,115 --> 00:09:44,181
Running on empty now.
187
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:47,151
Brian, give him the turkey.
188
00:09:55,662 --> 00:09:58,429
Okay, buddy,
you ready to test out
those hosting skills?
189
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,899
Now go wow your guests
with conversation.
190
00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:06,604
Hi, Grandma. I got some
down-there hair now,
want to see?
191
00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:11,175
Uh... I should check
if your mother needs
help in the kitchen.
192
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:14,512
Sometimes I pluck them
because I deserve pain.
193
00:10:19,819 --> 00:10:21,219
Cut! No. Stop.
194
00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:23,821
I'm sorry! I panicked!
195
00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:25,701
It's all right. It's okay.
Don't worry, Chris.
196
00:10:25,725 --> 00:10:28,393
You can't always
get things right
on the first try.
197
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,928
Just look at Snoopy's
original happy dance.
198
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,033
Hey, you having
a good time tonight?
199
00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:39,637
Oh, yeah.
200
00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:45,420
Can't believe we got robbed.
201
00:10:45,444 --> 00:10:46,956
Yeah, but can we
just talk for a second
202
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,847
about how brave I was
when we walked
past that cemetery?
203
00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:52,884
Peter, do you
not see that we are
completely screwed here?
204
00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:54,296
And it's all thanks to you!
205
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,720
You drove my car into a lake,
you almost let me drown,
206
00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:58,830
you got us thrown off a bus,
you broke our bike,
207
00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:01,670
and now you've
gotten our turkey stolen
and Thanksgiving is ruined
208
00:11:01,694 --> 00:11:03,172
and we don't have
any transportation
209
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:04,640
and we're still miles from home!
210
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,331
You're starting
to get black gums
like an older dog.
211
00:11:07,401 --> 00:11:09,379
You know what? You know what?
Maybe it's my fault.
212
00:11:09,403 --> 00:11:12,715
I forgot, I'm talking
to a complete idiot.
You are so stupid!
213
00:11:12,739 --> 00:11:13,771
Oh, yeah?
214
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,473
Well, if I'm so stupid,
then how did I
215
00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:17,842
manage to frame you
for eating the turkey?
216
00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:19,431
What?
Yeah!
217
00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:21,723
Didn't you notice
you were passed out
in all those photos?
218
00:11:21,747 --> 00:11:23,448
You didn't eat any of it.
219
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,028
I just posed you like that
because I didn't want
to take all the blame.
220
00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:28,453
You son of a bitch!
How could you do that to me?
221
00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:29,788
You're a dog, Brian.
222
00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:31,322
I can throw you off a bridge,
223
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:34,025
and as long as I don't
hit a person on a boat,
it's okay.
224
00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,659
Screw this. I am done!
225
00:11:35,728 --> 00:11:37,996
This isn't even my problem,
it's your problem.
226
00:11:38,064 --> 00:11:39,875
You know what, Peter?
You've got no turkey,
227
00:11:39,899 --> 00:11:42,259
and now you've got
no friend. Goodbye!
228
00:11:42,769 --> 00:11:44,235
Brian, wait!
229
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:49,740
♪ Now let's watch
a whole bunch of ads ♪
230
00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:59,450
Nice Thanksgiving.
I don't know why I
ever listen to that jerk.
231
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:00,718
What?
232
00:12:00,787 --> 00:12:02,664
Home is this way,
we're both just walking home.
233
00:12:02,688 --> 00:12:04,166
Leave me alone!
No way.
234
00:12:04,190 --> 00:12:06,357
We're a team, Brian,
whether you like it or not.
235
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:10,061
Just like almond butter
and no sugar added
fruit preserves.
236
00:12:10,129 --> 00:12:11,529
Who's hungry?
237
00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:13,364
We are!
We are!
238
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,878
Hey, kids, would you like
a terrible, healthy sandwich?
239
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,368
No.
No.
240
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:19,581
Too bad, because
your recently-divorced mom
241
00:12:19,605 --> 00:12:21,039
has a crush on her trainer,
242
00:12:21,107 --> 00:12:23,975
and he eats like this,
so now you have to, too.
243
00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:26,883
Almond butterand no sugar addedfruit preserves,
244
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:30,815
just like PB and J,but with more of your momrailing this guy.
245
00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:33,317
I named myself Kaya!
246
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:34,596
We stopped being a team
247
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:36,899
when you framed me
for eating that
turkey with you.
248
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:39,290
Brian, maybe you should be
a little less mad at me
249
00:12:39,358 --> 00:12:40,825
and a little more
mad at the guys
250
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:42,293
growing mustaches
for this month.
251
00:12:42,361 --> 00:12:43,773
Hey, don't mock Movember.
252
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:46,708
Last year,
I raised $8 and got on
a BuzzFeed listicle.
253
00:12:46,732 --> 00:12:49,066
No! You use real words!
254
00:12:49,135 --> 00:12:51,368
Internet stuff
is not real words.
255
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:53,071
Hey, look!
256
00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:57,208
There's our answer.
257
00:12:57,276 --> 00:13:00,444
We break into the zoo,
steal a turkey,
bring it home, we're heroes.
258
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,815
Peter, stop it!
You're gonna
get yourself hurt.
259
00:13:03,883 --> 00:13:06,896
Sorry, can't hear you.
Too busy saving our
family's Thanksgiving.
260
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,853
Damn it.
261
00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:11,322
This is idiotic.
You're never gonna
find a turkey in there.
262
00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:12,690
Oh, I'll find one.
263
00:13:12,758 --> 00:13:13,803
I mean,
you're looking at the guy
264
00:13:13,827 --> 00:13:15,707
who found the Fountain of Youth.
265
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:21,366
It's very far away from here!
266
00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:28,405
Hey, Lois,
thanks for letting Kevin
267
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:29,907
bring his girlfriend this year.
268
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:32,176
And I hope it's not awkward
that she's a little person
269
00:13:32,212 --> 00:13:34,212
and they viciously
fight all the time.
270
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:37,093
Why do we have to
spend every holiday
with your family?
271
00:13:37,117 --> 00:13:40,150
Shut up!
I'm a full-size person!
I make the decisions!
272
00:13:40,219 --> 00:13:41,418
Don't you worry.
273
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:44,522
This'll quickly turn into
rough, front-yard, makeup sex.
274
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:47,759
All this fighting is
making me so damn hot.
275
00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:54,257
Oh, my God.
It looks like he's
chalking a pool cue.
276
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:55,866
Hey, scoot over.
277
00:13:55,935 --> 00:13:57,534
As the oldest guy here,
278
00:13:57,604 --> 00:14:00,449
it's my duty to
take an open-mouth nap
in the middle of the room.
279
00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:11,649
God, look at my mom.
280
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:13,598
Dinner should've been served
half an hour ago.
281
00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:15,486
She's clearly stalling for time.
282
00:14:15,554 --> 00:14:19,190
Okay, everybody.
Dinner's gonna be
ready very soon.
283
00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:22,193
Uh, what? Good.
284
00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:25,596
But before we get started,
I thought we could
all take turns
285
00:14:25,664 --> 00:14:29,967
telling a long story about
how things aren't
the way they used to be.
286
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,769
Daddy, would you care to start?
287
00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:34,204
You bet I would.
Too much candy!
288
00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:37,074
Too much candy?
What do you mean,
too much candy?
289
00:14:37,143 --> 00:14:38,409
There's too much candy!
290
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:39,955
There used to be four candies.
291
00:14:39,979 --> 00:14:42,880
Bulls-eyes, Yahoos,
Sweet Yarn and cigarettes.
292
00:14:42,948 --> 00:14:45,527
Now I go into a store,
I don't know whether
I'm coming or going!
293
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:47,217
Is there anything else?
294
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:50,127
Why don't ballplayers
wear giant woolen shirts
anymore?
295
00:14:50,189 --> 00:14:52,623
What's wrong with wool?
It was a perfect fabric.
296
00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:54,903
You go to the ballpark,
get your bag of Bulls-eyes
297
00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:57,740
and watch Hack Wilson
round the bases in
a big wool shirt.
298
00:14:57,764 --> 00:15:00,364
I once saw Hack hit
a ball out of the infield.
299
00:15:00,432 --> 00:15:03,868
I still remember
the thud of the bat
and the whoosh of the wool.
300
00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:07,138
I wish things were still heavy.
301
00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:08,784
The rails are off this thing.
302
00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:10,152
All right, Chris,
this is where you,
303
00:15:10,176 --> 00:15:11,854
as host, need to step in and...
304
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:13,544
Chris? Chris?
305
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,826
What the hell?
Are you drunk?
306
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:20,518
I couldn't handle
the pressure, Stewie.
307
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,187
We Irish,
we have a deep sadness.
308
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,590
Come on, get up!
They need you down there.
309
00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:27,425
♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ♪
310
00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:30,729
Ugh.
311
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:40,538
All right, there they are.
I'm going in and
getting us a turkey, Brian.
312
00:15:44,977 --> 00:15:49,247
Hey, buddy,
you want to come to my house
so my wife can cook you wrong?
313
00:15:50,216 --> 00:15:51,282
Ah, damn it!
314
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:54,566
Peter, this is never gonna work.
315
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,454
- All right, just leave the turkey alone.
- The poor thing is...
316
00:15:57,523 --> 00:15:59,068
What the hell?
Knock it off! Ow!
317
00:15:59,092 --> 00:16:00,803
Damn it,
I'm gonna kill you,
you dick!
318
00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:02,593
Quick, Brian, it's getting away!
319
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:18,442
Where'd he go?
320
00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:22,480
He's not in here.
321
00:16:22,549 --> 00:16:23,614
Over there!
322
00:16:57,117 --> 00:16:58,749
Oh, crap.
323
00:16:58,818 --> 00:16:59,950
Easy there.
324
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,986
Hey, it's Thanksgiving.
325
00:17:02,054 --> 00:17:04,589
Shouldn't you be
in Detroit losing
a football game right now?
326
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:11,828
Brian, up here!
327
00:17:18,437 --> 00:17:21,617
Oh, my God.
Thank you, Peter.
Thank you so much!
328
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:23,574
Hey, you're welcome, buddy.
329
00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:26,210
You... You saved
my life.
330
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:28,879
Of course I did.
You're my best friend.
331
00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:32,650
Hey, listen, I'm...
I'm sorry I messed
everything up today.
332
00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:34,719
It's okay.
333
00:17:34,788 --> 00:17:38,456
I guess I've been
kind of a jerk, too.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
334
00:17:38,524 --> 00:17:40,057
Ah, I deserved it.
335
00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:42,960
I mean, for God's sake,
I sank your car in a lake.
336
00:17:43,028 --> 00:17:45,195
And I broke this
guy's neck just now.
337
00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:50,233
Yeesh. But,
hey, we cut the legs off him
and dye him brown,
338
00:17:50,302 --> 00:17:51,669
we got ourselves a turkey,
right?
339
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:55,105
No. We've come this far.
Let's do it right.
340
00:17:58,544 --> 00:18:02,413
Hey, you got a tiny
head and a big body.
What if I switched that?
341
00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:05,777
Gotcha!
342
00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:06,850
All right, we did it!
343
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,185
We got ourselves a turkey.
344
00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:09,498
Yeah, but what time is it?
345
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:11,066
I mean, dinner has to
have started by now.
346
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,568
We're never gonna
make it home on foot.
347
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,325
Maybe we don't have to.
348
00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:21,532
We're now arriving in Quahog.
349
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,134
Up on the right are the people
with the awesome trampoline,
350
00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:25,648
but they don't let
me on it no more,
351
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:27,471
'cause I bounced
a kid onto the house.
352
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:33,243
There were no
squeezable condiments.
Ketchup came in a can.
353
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:36,380
And,
Daddy, what about the pants
that kids today are wearing?
354
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,148
Are they properly sized?
355
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:39,883
Are we gonna eat soon?
356
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,987
I have an interesting factoid
about what makes
you sleepy afterwards.
357
00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:45,222
Yeah, the hell with this.
I'm starving.
358
00:18:46,492 --> 00:18:48,993
Okay, I guess we should eat.
359
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,931
Well, obviously
Peter's not here,
360
00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:56,212
so it's fallen to me
to take up the mantle.
361
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:59,103
Now, I wasn't
planning on doing this today,
362
00:18:59,171 --> 00:19:01,539
but when I look around
at all of these open,
363
00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:03,907
loving faces of
friends and family,
364
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,777
I'm comfortable
enough to finally say
365
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:10,113
that I am a proud,
unashamed, active...
366
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,716
Lois, we're home
and Thanksgiving is saved!
367
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:14,151
Kidding!
368
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:16,164
Oh, my God,
where the hell
have you been?
369
00:19:16,188 --> 00:19:18,067
And what are you
doing with a live turkey?
370
00:19:18,091 --> 00:19:20,558
A live turkey who
loves rollerblading.
371
00:19:23,128 --> 00:19:24,428
Our dog drew that.
372
00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:26,797
Peter, we can't eat
a live turkey.
373
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:30,133
Look, Lois, I still got time
to make this right,
and I'm gonna.
374
00:19:30,202 --> 00:19:32,870
Hand me a nine iron
and show me to the backyard.
375
00:19:35,241 --> 00:19:37,341
Well, buddy, I guess this is it.
376
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:54,391
Wow. I read
that look wrong.
377
00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:56,928
Ah, geez, I'm sorry.
378
00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:58,440
I wish you didn't have to die,
379
00:19:58,464 --> 00:20:00,731
but a bunch of white people
put on sweaters.
380
00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:08,038
I couldn't do it.
What?
381
00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:09,473
I'm sorry, Lois.
382
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,486
I know you wanted
the perfect Thanksgiving,
383
00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:14,979
and I know I screwed
that all up for you,
but when you think about it,
384
00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:17,815
isn't this holiday about
being with people you love?
385
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,950
I mean, does it
really matter what we eat?
386
00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:23,459
What matters is
we're all together.
Family and friends.
387
00:20:24,423 --> 00:20:26,490
And one new friend.
388
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,826
Oh, Peter, that's beautiful.
389
00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:31,862
Lois, can the turkey
please join us for dinner?
390
00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:34,464
Not as the meal,
but as our guest?
391
00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:36,533
Of course he can.
392
00:20:36,602 --> 00:20:38,535
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
393
00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:43,018
The man of the house
394
00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:45,575
killed a turkey
for Thanksgiving!
395
00:20:48,013 --> 00:20:50,024
Well, looks like
we're having turkey
after all.
396
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:59,222
Four years later,me and Lois divorcedand Stewie died.
397
00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:00,858
Gobble, gobble!
31350
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