All language subtitles for Family Guy - S13E05 - Turkey Guys (Uncensored)

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,069 --> 00:00:04,936 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,073 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:11,709 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,778 --> 00:00:14,979 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:18,250 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,318 --> 00:00:21,486 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,165 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:24,956 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:29,862 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:35,645 Live from New York City, 11 00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:38,570 it's the J.C. Penney Thanksgiving Day Parade. 12 00:00:38,638 --> 00:00:40,472 The J.C. Penney parade? 13 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,185 Yeah, it's like the Macy's parade, 14 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:44,254 only without licensed characters. 15 00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:47,212 With the popular balloons we all know and love. 16 00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:52,984 Mickey Rabbit, Sponge Cow, and Clifton the Small Blue Dog. 17 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:56,054 Peter, get in here! 18 00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:59,203 You want to tell me what the hell happened to our Thanksgiving turkey? 19 00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,026 Oh, that, uh... 20 00:01:01,094 --> 00:01:04,040 Well, last night, Brian and I got drunk and ate the turkey. 21 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:07,099 But before you get mad, we also ate the salad. 22 00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:09,134 Damn it, how could you guys do that? 23 00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,647 Boy, I must have been really drunk. I don't remember any of that. 24 00:01:11,671 --> 00:01:14,339 No problem. Instagram remembers for you. 25 00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:23,415 Peter, we've got a houseful of people coming 26 00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:24,916 and they're expecting a turkey. 27 00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,663 Well, if they're expecting a turkey, 28 00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:28,331 I'll just put on Evan Almighty for them. 29 00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:29,555 Zap! 30 00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,958 You and Brian better get another turkey right now! 31 00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:36,261 And don't bother coming back until you do! 32 00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:37,707 Don't worry, Lois. We will. 33 00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:38,974 Yeah, we'll be back with a turkey 34 00:01:38,998 --> 00:01:41,065 faster than you can say "Jack Robinson." 35 00:01:41,134 --> 00:01:42,701 Jack Rob... 36 00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:45,437 Jack Row... 37 00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:48,418 She had a stroke that killed 38 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,353 the part of her brain that says "Jack Robinson." 39 00:01:50,377 --> 00:01:51,710 We got plenty of time. 40 00:01:57,084 --> 00:01:58,794 All right, Brian, first order of business, 41 00:01:58,818 --> 00:02:00,230 we have to decide who gets to ride 42 00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:01,598 in the cart and who has to push it. 43 00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:02,888 Well, I'm smaller, so... 44 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,834 The decision has been made. 45 00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:06,778 Ooh, now I want that one. 46 00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:12,442 Aw, crap, looks like they're completely sold out. 47 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:15,533 Yeah, sorry. We just sold our last turkey to that guy. 48 00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:22,273 You are the turkey I have chosen to pardon. Fly free, turkey! 49 00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:27,679 Oh, fudgsicles! 50 00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:33,462 Hey, you don't sell turkeys here, do you? 51 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:36,132 We've been to every grocery store in town with no luck. 52 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,089 No, the only thing we really sell here 53 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,058 are these little packets of weird vitamins 54 00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:43,061 that vaguely suggest they help you in the bedroom. 55 00:02:43,129 --> 00:02:46,698 "Performance and stamina, for men." 56 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,500 I know what that means. 57 00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:56,352 Peter, enough. Come to bed. 58 00:02:56,376 --> 00:02:59,177 Uh-uh, Lois. The packet says I got to play till I'm raw. 59 00:03:04,151 --> 00:03:05,494 Can't believe every turkey 60 00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:08,053 within a 60-mile radius of Quahog is sold out. 61 00:03:08,122 --> 00:03:09,187 I know. 62 00:03:09,256 --> 00:03:10,366 And now we're so far from home, 63 00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:12,090 none of your stations even work. 64 00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:14,838 From the 15... 65 00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,039 Coming up in two minutes... 66 00:03:16,063 --> 00:03:18,296 ♪ She thinks I'm beautiful 67 00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:20,932 ♪ Meet Virginia 68 00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:23,135 Is this... Is this fine? 69 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,849 I mean, it's not... It's... Yeah, it's fine if you think it's fine. 70 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,939 It's not that good of a song, but we know it. 71 00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:29,374 Yeah, okay. Sure. 72 00:03:29,442 --> 00:03:30,942 ♪ She never compromises ♪ 73 00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:32,177 Brian, I love Train. 74 00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,678 I fucking love Train. 75 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,762 Chris, are Brian and your father back yet? 76 00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:42,187 No. And why are you saying the dog's name before Dad's? 77 00:03:42,255 --> 00:03:44,356 It's weird. That is weird, you're right. 78 00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:45,802 Well, they'd better get here soon. 79 00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:48,638 I can't host this Thanksgiving dinner on my own. 80 00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:50,562 Hear that? This thing's all on you. 81 00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:52,542 What? What are you talking about? 82 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,644 Well, the fat man's never going to get back in time, 83 00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:57,168 and with him gone, that makes you the man of the house. 84 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,948 I sentence you to death! 85 00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:02,139 Chris, Chris, slow down. I'm just saying, without Peter here, 86 00:04:02,208 --> 00:04:04,354 you're going to have to be the host of Thanksgiving. 87 00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:06,745 You have to do everything the fat man normally would. 88 00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:08,847 You mean, like, fall asleep on the toilet 89 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,483 and have a big red ring on my bum for a week? 90 00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:14,886 No, no, no. Greeting guests as they arrive. Facilitating small talk. 91 00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,088 And, of course, giving the Thanksgiving toast. 92 00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:21,292 Boy, yesterday I'm microwaving a cat, today I'm giving a speech. 93 00:04:21,361 --> 00:04:23,521 Things move fast around here. 94 00:04:28,134 --> 00:04:29,701 Hi, do you have any turkeys? 95 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,181 Sure do. You're looking at one. 96 00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:33,382 I'm sorry. 97 00:04:33,406 --> 00:04:35,217 You have to know me to know I'm just joking. 98 00:04:35,241 --> 00:04:40,112 Sir, the day we've had, we could use a good chuckle like that. 99 00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:43,681 You folks are in luck. Looks like we have one turkey left. 100 00:04:43,751 --> 00:04:44,883 Oh, thank God. 101 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,017 You're telling me. 102 00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:47,597 We didn't come back with a turkey, 103 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,933 Lois would be madder than that time she got a Capp smear. 104 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:52,457 All right, we're just going to take a quick Capp smear. 105 00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:54,170 Don't you mean Pap smear? 106 00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:55,627 No, at this hospital 107 00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:56,928 we obtain the sample using 108 00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:59,431 beloved British comic strip roustabout Andy Capp. 109 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,201 'Ello, luv. Let's have a smear. 110 00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:06,149 I'm not letting you do that. You can't even see. 111 00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:09,241 That's all right, bird. I goes by smell. 112 00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:15,780 Brian, look, an 8-foot basket. 113 00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:19,129 Let me just dunk the turkey once. I know I can jam it. 114 00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:22,932 That's not a regulation rim. 115 00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:25,717 Okay, you know what? I'm in charge of the turkey. You're driving. 116 00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,165 This thing on? Yes. 117 00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:35,645 It's not making any noise. 118 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,029 It's a hybrid. Trust me, it's on. 119 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:38,270 No, it's not. See? 120 00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,052 Oh, my God! 121 00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:10,435 Not now! Not like this! 122 00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:21,313 Peter, what the hell? You chose a turkey over me? I almost died! 123 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:24,749 I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater. 124 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:34,125 Great. The water completely killed my phone. 125 00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:35,526 Oh, horrors. 126 00:06:35,595 --> 00:06:38,107 You have to spend time with me without looking at your phone. 127 00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:39,330 Here, give me yours. 128 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,933 I threw mine at a duck. 129 00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:44,680 Excuse me, can you help us? We're trying to get back to Quahog. 130 00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:47,138 If you want, I can take you as far as the bus station. 131 00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,274 You can? Oh, thank you so much! 132 00:06:49,343 --> 00:06:51,187 Oh, that is the nicest thing anyone's done for me 133 00:06:51,211 --> 00:06:53,945 since my kids gave me that Father's Day gift. 134 00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:55,933 Oh, look, a tie. Perfect. 135 00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,886 It's from all of us! 136 00:07:06,826 --> 00:07:08,759 All right, Chris, acting as host 137 00:07:08,828 --> 00:07:10,695 will demand a higher level of conversation. 138 00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:14,566 I suggest as your opener, "Lois, everything is delicious." 139 00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:16,512 Then that's what I will say. 140 00:07:16,536 --> 00:07:19,549 Unless Slender Man commands me to say something else. 141 00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:22,907 Ugh, this is gonna be a bigger disaster than Y2-Gay. 142 00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,676 Three! Two! One! 143 00:07:25,745 --> 00:07:28,413 I hope my dad's not watching ABC! 144 00:07:34,053 --> 00:07:36,932 Oh, thank God we got on this bus. I really had to poop. 145 00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:38,889 Wait, where is there a bathroom on this bus? 146 00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:41,370 I didn't say there was a bathroom, I just said I had to poop. 147 00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:44,834 Oh, my God! This is gross even for a bus! 148 00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:51,241 I don't know what they were so mad about. I did it in a Rite Aid bag. 149 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,237 Damn it, Peter! That was our only way home! 150 00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:56,586 Well, that's where you're wrong, Brian. Free bus bike! 151 00:07:57,610 --> 00:07:59,891 Oh, crap, this is a girl's bike. 152 00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:02,986 All right, we'll ride it, but pray to God nobody from school sees us. 153 00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:05,350 Nice bike, butt-munch! Shut up! 154 00:08:05,419 --> 00:08:07,552 I'm telling Miss Baumbakis! 155 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,424 Up next on Nickelodeon, 156 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,994 Uncomfortably Hot 18-Year-Old Girls. 157 00:08:16,062 --> 00:08:17,795 Honey, where are you off to? 158 00:08:17,864 --> 00:08:20,610 To the car wash to raise money for our new soccer uniforms. 159 00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:22,633 Okay, have fun. 160 00:08:22,702 --> 00:08:25,981 Nickelodeon. Casually ask your daughter what that girl's name is, 161 00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:28,540 then take your laptop into the bathroom. 162 00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:34,812 Uh, Mom! Daddy! You're right on time! 163 00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:36,948 Happy Thanksgiving, dear! 164 00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:41,252 We brought some wine, but it's good wine so it's just for us. 165 00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:44,289 Damn it. Where the hell are they with that turkey? 166 00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:48,226 Hi, you've reached Brian Griffin 167 00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:50,340 of The Write Stuff writing classes... 168 00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:51,696 Oh, God. 169 00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:58,369 Come on, keep pedaling. Dinner starts in an hour. 170 00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:06,544 Damn it, Peter! 171 00:09:06,613 --> 00:09:09,214 Oh, great. You broke the chain and now we have to walk! 172 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,349 Unless we hitchhike. 173 00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:12,617 Hitchhike? 174 00:09:12,685 --> 00:09:14,152 You know how dangerous that is? 175 00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:15,698 Besides, we're in the middle of nowhere. 176 00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:16,932 There aren't even any cars around. 177 00:09:16,956 --> 00:09:18,076 There's one. 178 00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:20,491 Hey! Hey, stop! 179 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,093 Give us a ride! 180 00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:25,630 It's just me and my upright dog. We're obviously not weirdos! 181 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,735 See, Brian? Told you. We're going to be home in no time. 182 00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:33,637 Hi there, folks. Hand over the turkey. What? 183 00:09:33,706 --> 00:09:35,918 I can't go back to my wife without a turkey! 184 00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:38,476 Oh, yeah? Bet that thing's not even loaded. 185 00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:41,912 You just used your last bullet. 186 00:09:43,115 --> 00:09:44,181 Running on empty now. 187 00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:47,151 Brian, give him the turkey. 188 00:09:55,662 --> 00:09:58,429 Okay, buddy, you ready to test out those hosting skills? 189 00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,899 Now go wow your guests with conversation. 190 00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:06,604 Hi, Grandma. I got some down-there hair now, want to see? 191 00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:11,175 Uh... I should check if your mother needs help in the kitchen. 192 00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:14,512 Sometimes I pluck them because I deserve pain. 193 00:10:19,819 --> 00:10:21,219 Cut! No. Stop. 194 00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:23,821 I'm sorry! I panicked! 195 00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:25,701 It's all right. It's okay. Don't worry, Chris. 196 00:10:25,725 --> 00:10:28,393 You can't always get things right on the first try. 197 00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,928 Just look at Snoopy's original happy dance. 198 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,033 Hey, you having a good time tonight? 199 00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:39,637 Oh, yeah. 200 00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:45,420 Can't believe we got robbed. 201 00:10:45,444 --> 00:10:46,956 Yeah, but can we just talk for a second 202 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,847 about how brave I was when we walked past that cemetery? 203 00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:52,884 Peter, do you not see that we are completely screwed here? 204 00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:54,296 And it's all thanks to you! 205 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,720 You drove my car into a lake, you almost let me drown, 206 00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:58,830 you got us thrown off a bus, you broke our bike, 207 00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:01,670 and now you've gotten our turkey stolen and Thanksgiving is ruined 208 00:11:01,694 --> 00:11:03,172 and we don't have any transportation 209 00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:04,640 and we're still miles from home! 210 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,331 You're starting to get black gums like an older dog. 211 00:11:07,401 --> 00:11:09,379 You know what? You know what? Maybe it's my fault. 212 00:11:09,403 --> 00:11:12,715 I forgot, I'm talking to a complete idiot. You are so stupid! 213 00:11:12,739 --> 00:11:13,771 Oh, yeah? 214 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,473 Well, if I'm so stupid, then how did I 215 00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:17,842 manage to frame you for eating the turkey? 216 00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:19,431 What? Yeah! 217 00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:21,723 Didn't you notice you were passed out in all those photos? 218 00:11:21,747 --> 00:11:23,448 You didn't eat any of it. 219 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,028 I just posed you like that because I didn't want to take all the blame. 220 00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:28,453 You son of a bitch! How could you do that to me? 221 00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:29,788 You're a dog, Brian. 222 00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:31,322 I can throw you off a bridge, 223 00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:34,025 and as long as I don't hit a person on a boat, it's okay. 224 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,659 Screw this. I am done! 225 00:11:35,728 --> 00:11:37,996 This isn't even my problem, it's your problem. 226 00:11:38,064 --> 00:11:39,875 You know what, Peter? You've got no turkey, 227 00:11:39,899 --> 00:11:42,259 and now you've got no friend. Goodbye! 228 00:11:42,769 --> 00:11:44,235 Brian, wait! 229 00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:49,740 ♪ Now let's watch a whole bunch of ads ♪ 230 00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:59,450 Nice Thanksgiving. I don't know why I ever listen to that jerk. 231 00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:00,718 What? 232 00:12:00,787 --> 00:12:02,664 Home is this way, we're both just walking home. 233 00:12:02,688 --> 00:12:04,166 Leave me alone! No way. 234 00:12:04,190 --> 00:12:06,357 We're a team, Brian, whether you like it or not. 235 00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:10,061 Just like almond butter and no sugar added fruit preserves. 236 00:12:10,129 --> 00:12:11,529 Who's hungry? 237 00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:13,364 We are! We are! 238 00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,878 Hey, kids, would you like a terrible, healthy sandwich? 239 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,368 No. No. 240 00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:19,581 Too bad, because your recently-divorced mom 241 00:12:19,605 --> 00:12:21,039 has a crush on her trainer, 242 00:12:21,107 --> 00:12:23,975 and he eats like this, so now you have to, too. 243 00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:26,883 Almond butter and no sugar added fruit preserves, 244 00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:30,815 just like PB and J, but with more of your mom railing this guy. 245 00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:33,317 I named myself Kaya! 246 00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:34,596 We stopped being a team 247 00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:36,899 when you framed me for eating that turkey with you. 248 00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:39,290 Brian, maybe you should be a little less mad at me 249 00:12:39,358 --> 00:12:40,825 and a little more mad at the guys 250 00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:42,293 growing mustaches for this month. 251 00:12:42,361 --> 00:12:43,773 Hey, don't mock Movember. 252 00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:46,708 Last year, I raised $8 and got on a BuzzFeed listicle. 253 00:12:46,732 --> 00:12:49,066 No! You use real words! 254 00:12:49,135 --> 00:12:51,368 Internet stuff is not real words. 255 00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:53,071 Hey, look! 256 00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:57,208 There's our answer. 257 00:12:57,276 --> 00:13:00,444 We break into the zoo, steal a turkey, bring it home, we're heroes. 258 00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,815 Peter, stop it! You're gonna get yourself hurt. 259 00:13:03,883 --> 00:13:06,896 Sorry, can't hear you. Too busy saving our family's Thanksgiving. 260 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,853 Damn it. 261 00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:11,322 This is idiotic. You're never gonna find a turkey in there. 262 00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:12,690 Oh, I'll find one. 263 00:13:12,758 --> 00:13:13,803 I mean, you're looking at the guy 264 00:13:13,827 --> 00:13:15,707 who found the Fountain of Youth. 265 00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:21,366 It's very far away from here! 266 00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:28,405 Hey, Lois, thanks for letting Kevin 267 00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:29,907 bring his girlfriend this year. 268 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:32,176 And I hope it's not awkward that she's a little person 269 00:13:32,212 --> 00:13:34,212 and they viciously fight all the time. 270 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:37,093 Why do we have to spend every holiday with your family? 271 00:13:37,117 --> 00:13:40,150 Shut up! I'm a full-size person! I make the decisions! 272 00:13:40,219 --> 00:13:41,418 Don't you worry. 273 00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:44,522 This'll quickly turn into rough, front-yard, makeup sex. 274 00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:47,759 All this fighting is making me so damn hot. 275 00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:54,257 Oh, my God. It looks like he's chalking a pool cue. 276 00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:55,866 Hey, scoot over. 277 00:13:55,935 --> 00:13:57,534 As the oldest guy here, 278 00:13:57,604 --> 00:14:00,449 it's my duty to take an open-mouth nap in the middle of the room. 279 00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:11,649 God, look at my mom. 280 00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:13,598 Dinner should've been served half an hour ago. 281 00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:15,486 She's clearly stalling for time. 282 00:14:15,554 --> 00:14:19,190 Okay, everybody. Dinner's gonna be ready very soon. 283 00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:22,193 Uh, what? Good. 284 00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:25,596 But before we get started, I thought we could all take turns 285 00:14:25,664 --> 00:14:29,967 telling a long story about how things aren't the way they used to be. 286 00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,769 Daddy, would you care to start? 287 00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:34,204 You bet I would. Too much candy! 288 00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:37,074 Too much candy? What do you mean, too much candy? 289 00:14:37,143 --> 00:14:38,409 There's too much candy! 290 00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:39,955 There used to be four candies. 291 00:14:39,979 --> 00:14:42,880 Bulls-eyes, Yahoos, Sweet Yarn and cigarettes. 292 00:14:42,948 --> 00:14:45,527 Now I go into a store, I don't know whether I'm coming or going! 293 00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:47,217 Is there anything else? 294 00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:50,127 Why don't ballplayers wear giant woolen shirts anymore? 295 00:14:50,189 --> 00:14:52,623 What's wrong with wool? It was a perfect fabric. 296 00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:54,903 You go to the ballpark, get your bag of Bulls-eyes 297 00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:57,740 and watch Hack Wilson round the bases in a big wool shirt. 298 00:14:57,764 --> 00:15:00,364 I once saw Hack hit a ball out of the infield. 299 00:15:00,432 --> 00:15:03,868 I still remember the thud of the bat and the whoosh of the wool. 300 00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:07,138 I wish things were still heavy. 301 00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:08,784 The rails are off this thing. 302 00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:10,152 All right, Chris, this is where you, 303 00:15:10,176 --> 00:15:11,854 as host, need to step in and... 304 00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:13,544 Chris? Chris? 305 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,826 What the hell? Are you drunk? 306 00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:20,518 I couldn't handle the pressure, Stewie. 307 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,187 We Irish, we have a deep sadness. 308 00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,590 Come on, get up! They need you down there. 309 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:27,425 ♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ♪ 310 00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:30,729 Ugh. 311 00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:40,538 All right, there they are. I'm going in and getting us a turkey, Brian. 312 00:15:44,977 --> 00:15:49,247 Hey, buddy, you want to come to my house so my wife can cook you wrong? 313 00:15:50,216 --> 00:15:51,282 Ah, damn it! 314 00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:54,566 Peter, this is never gonna work. 315 00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,454 - All right, just leave the turkey alone. - The poor thing is... 316 00:15:57,523 --> 00:15:59,068 What the hell? Knock it off! Ow! 317 00:15:59,092 --> 00:16:00,803 Damn it, I'm gonna kill you, you dick! 318 00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:02,593 Quick, Brian, it's getting away! 319 00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:18,442 Where'd he go? 320 00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:22,480 He's not in here. 321 00:16:22,549 --> 00:16:23,614 Over there! 322 00:16:57,117 --> 00:16:58,749 Oh, crap. 323 00:16:58,818 --> 00:16:59,950 Easy there. 324 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,986 Hey, it's Thanksgiving. 325 00:17:02,054 --> 00:17:04,589 Shouldn't you be in Detroit losing a football game right now? 326 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:11,828 Brian, up here! 327 00:17:18,437 --> 00:17:21,617 Oh, my God. Thank you, Peter. Thank you so much! 328 00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:23,574 Hey, you're welcome, buddy. 329 00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:26,210 You... You saved my life. 330 00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:28,879 Of course I did. You're my best friend. 331 00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:32,650 Hey, listen, I'm... I'm sorry I messed everything up today. 332 00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:34,719 It's okay. 333 00:17:34,788 --> 00:17:38,456 I guess I've been kind of a jerk, too. I'm sorry I yelled at you. 334 00:17:38,524 --> 00:17:40,057 Ah, I deserved it. 335 00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:42,960 I mean, for God's sake, I sank your car in a lake. 336 00:17:43,028 --> 00:17:45,195 And I broke this guy's neck just now. 337 00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:50,233 Yeesh. But, hey, we cut the legs off him and dye him brown, 338 00:17:50,302 --> 00:17:51,669 we got ourselves a turkey, right? 339 00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:55,105 No. We've come this far. Let's do it right. 340 00:17:58,544 --> 00:18:02,413 Hey, you got a tiny head and a big body. What if I switched that? 341 00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:05,777 Gotcha! 342 00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:06,850 All right, we did it! 343 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,185 We got ourselves a turkey. 344 00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:09,498 Yeah, but what time is it? 345 00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:11,066 I mean, dinner has to have started by now. 346 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,568 We're never gonna make it home on foot. 347 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,325 Maybe we don't have to. 348 00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:21,532 We're now arriving in Quahog. 349 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,134 Up on the right are the people with the awesome trampoline, 350 00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:25,648 but they don't let me on it no more, 351 00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:27,471 'cause I bounced a kid onto the house. 352 00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:33,243 There were no squeezable condiments. Ketchup came in a can. 353 00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:36,380 And, Daddy, what about the pants that kids today are wearing? 354 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,148 Are they properly sized? 355 00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:39,883 Are we gonna eat soon? 356 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,987 I have an interesting factoid about what makes you sleepy afterwards. 357 00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:45,222 Yeah, the hell with this. I'm starving. 358 00:18:46,492 --> 00:18:48,993 Okay, I guess we should eat. 359 00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,931 Well, obviously Peter's not here, 360 00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:56,212 so it's fallen to me to take up the mantle. 361 00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:59,103 Now, I wasn't planning on doing this today, 362 00:18:59,171 --> 00:19:01,539 but when I look around at all of these open, 363 00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:03,907 loving faces of friends and family, 364 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,777 I'm comfortable enough to finally say 365 00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:10,113 that I am a proud, unashamed, active... 366 00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,716 Lois, we're home and Thanksgiving is saved! 367 00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:14,151 Kidding! 368 00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:16,164 Oh, my God, where the hell have you been? 369 00:19:16,188 --> 00:19:18,067 And what are you doing with a live turkey? 370 00:19:18,091 --> 00:19:20,558 A live turkey who loves rollerblading. 371 00:19:23,128 --> 00:19:24,428 Our dog drew that. 372 00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:26,797 Peter, we can't eat a live turkey. 373 00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:30,133 Look, Lois, I still got time to make this right, and I'm gonna. 374 00:19:30,202 --> 00:19:32,870 Hand me a nine iron and show me to the backyard. 375 00:19:35,241 --> 00:19:37,341 Well, buddy, I guess this is it. 376 00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:54,391 Wow. I read that look wrong. 377 00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:56,928 Ah, geez, I'm sorry. 378 00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:58,440 I wish you didn't have to die, 379 00:19:58,464 --> 00:20:00,731 but a bunch of white people put on sweaters. 380 00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:08,038 I couldn't do it. What? 381 00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:09,473 I'm sorry, Lois. 382 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,486 I know you wanted the perfect Thanksgiving, 383 00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:14,979 and I know I screwed that all up for you, but when you think about it, 384 00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:17,815 isn't this holiday about being with people you love? 385 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,950 I mean, does it really matter what we eat? 386 00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:23,459 What matters is we're all together. Family and friends. 387 00:20:24,423 --> 00:20:26,490 And one new friend. 388 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,826 Oh, Peter, that's beautiful. 389 00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:31,862 Lois, can the turkey please join us for dinner? 390 00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:34,464 Not as the meal, but as our guest? 391 00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:36,533 Of course he can. 392 00:20:36,602 --> 00:20:38,535 Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. 393 00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:43,018 The man of the house 394 00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:45,575 killed a turkey for Thanksgiving! 395 00:20:48,013 --> 00:20:50,024 Well, looks like we're having turkey after all. 396 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:59,222 Four years later, me and Lois divorced and Stewie died. 397 00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:00,858 Gobble, gobble! 31350

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