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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,622 --> 00:00:07,789
♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:07,858 --> 00:00:11,460
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,528 --> 00:00:14,796
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,864 --> 00:00:18,283
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,386
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:23,037
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,890
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:29,878
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:37,521 --> 00:00:39,037
Okay, Brian, here we are.
11
00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:40,946
Hey, thanks for
fitting in the ride to school
12
00:00:40,975 --> 00:00:42,224
in between your texts.
13
00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:43,742
Totally, Chris, totally.
14
00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:45,288
I'm sure it'll
all work itself out.
15
00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:46,873
And good luck on that thing.
16
00:00:46,897 --> 00:00:49,297
You know, that was a stroller,
not a speed bump.
17
00:00:54,338 --> 00:00:56,038
Uh-oh.
This looks like trouble.
18
00:00:56,106 --> 00:00:58,606
I'll know they're bullies
if they use my full name.
19
00:00:58,675 --> 00:01:00,041
Well, look who it is.
20
00:01:00,110 --> 00:01:01,243
Chris Griffin.
21
00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,422
Oh, boy.
22
00:01:02,446 --> 00:01:03,512
Hey, fat ass.
23
00:01:03,580 --> 00:01:05,313
Your boobs are
bigger than your sister's.
24
00:01:05,382 --> 00:01:07,015
Oh, yeah? Well,
25
00:01:07,083 --> 00:01:09,984
you have a sister, as well.
26
00:01:10,053 --> 00:01:11,620
That's your comeback?
27
00:01:11,688 --> 00:01:13,755
Oh, man!
28
00:01:13,823 --> 00:01:15,790
Oh, my God.
Poor Chris.
29
00:01:15,859 --> 00:01:18,527
He's a social
outcast like Scarface.
30
00:01:18,595 --> 00:01:20,245
Okay, we have a deal.
31
00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:22,414
You bring the money,
I get you the coke.
32
00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:23,982
You got it, Scarface.
33
00:01:24,051 --> 00:01:26,251
Oh, my God!
You can see that?
34
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,420
The doctor said you
wouldn't be able to!
35
00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:29,999
Yes, everyone can see that.
36
00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,501
That's why we call you Scarface.
37
00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:34,159
Whoa, whoa, whoa! "We"?
38
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:42,284
Well, I have officially seen
every video ever on YouTube.
39
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:44,669
Got to say,
there's not a bad one.
40
00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:47,322
I need these shipping invoices
filed immediately.
41
00:01:47,391 --> 00:01:49,123
I'll be right back.
42
00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:51,459
There she goes again.
43
00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,372
How come she always skips out
when there's work to do?
44
00:01:53,396 --> 00:01:55,241
She's just taking a smoke break.
45
00:01:55,265 --> 00:01:57,399
A deaf person smoking.
46
00:01:57,467 --> 00:01:59,067
That's weird.
47
00:01:59,136 --> 00:02:00,268
Why is that weird?
48
00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:01,748
I mean, there's no
reason that that's weird,
49
00:02:01,772 --> 00:02:03,539
but it is weird, right?
50
00:02:03,607 --> 00:02:05,368
Yes, Griffin, it's weird.
51
00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:07,187
Wait, so you mean to tell me,
if I ever want to get out
52
00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:09,305
of something, all I got
to do is take a smoke break?
53
00:02:09,329 --> 00:02:11,914
Well, I suppose.
But you don't smoke.
54
00:02:12,582 --> 00:02:14,882
Well, actually I do.
55
00:02:52,056 --> 00:02:54,122
All right, Griffin.
You're clearly a smoker.
56
00:02:54,191 --> 00:02:55,773
Enjoy your break.
57
00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:58,343
Wow, I can use smoking
to get out of anything.
58
00:02:58,412 --> 00:03:00,111
Finally, I'm above the law.
59
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:04,466
Like my 14th century ancestor,
King of Denmark Griffin.
60
00:03:04,534 --> 00:03:06,184
More wine! More women!
61
00:03:06,253 --> 00:03:07,333
More table!
62
00:03:14,561 --> 00:03:15,927
I'm having a heart attack!
63
00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:17,740
Is anyone at the table a doctor?
64
00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:21,099
I am!
Come here! Hurry! Run!
65
00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:24,620
"But the very faraway doctor
couldn't make it in time."
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00:03:24,688 --> 00:03:28,540
And that's why
here in Denmark,
we have very small tables.
67
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:38,066
Okay, Stewie,
time to change your diaper.
68
00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:40,068
Oh! Oh, smoke break!
69
00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:45,307
Well, this is how
Scott Caan was raised,
and he turned out okay.
70
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:51,212
Hey, Dad, want to hear a story
about my day at school?
71
00:03:51,281 --> 00:03:54,016
It's about my hot friend,
Melissa.
Okay.
72
00:03:54,084 --> 00:03:57,019
She didn't wear
a bra to school today.
Okay.
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00:03:57,087 --> 00:04:00,055
And someone spilled water
all over her white shirt.
74
00:04:00,124 --> 00:04:01,256
Okay.
75
00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:03,424
And it was cold,
so you could see everything.
76
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:04,793
Okay.
77
00:04:04,862 --> 00:04:07,095
Then she left and I realized
I was all alone...
78
00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:08,830
Smoke break!
79
00:04:14,405 --> 00:04:15,532
Hey, Chris?
80
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:18,089
I wanted to talk about
what happened at school...
81
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,786
Is that a dead gerbil in there?
82
00:04:19,810 --> 00:04:21,092
That's a fur fish.
83
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:22,494
It's a weird species.
84
00:04:22,562 --> 00:04:24,173
You put them in there,
and they swim like hell
85
00:04:24,197 --> 00:04:26,765
for, like, 30 seconds,
and then they go to sleep.
86
00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:28,700
This joker still
hasn't woken up.
87
00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:30,469
Get up, lazy!
88
00:04:30,537 --> 00:04:33,215
You know, the way those
kids were picking on
you today in school,
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00:04:33,239 --> 00:04:35,084
you've really got to
stand up for yourself.
90
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,908
Stewie, it's not so easy.
91
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:39,377
What would you say if I said,
"Hey there, Shorty"?
92
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:42,213
I'd say, "Have another
donut, you albino gorilla."
93
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,182
Oh, yeah? Well,
94
00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:46,751
you have a sister, as well.
95
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:50,521
Oh, Stewie, I could
never come up with
stuff like you do.
96
00:04:50,574 --> 00:04:52,368
Of course not.
You're sweet and simple.
97
00:04:52,392 --> 00:04:54,303
But even you could learn
enough to outsmart
98
00:04:54,327 --> 00:04:55,760
those cretins at your school.
99
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,373
And they'll respect you for it.
100
00:04:57,397 --> 00:04:59,080
In fact, I'll teach you how.
101
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,715
Why would you do that for me?
102
00:05:00,784 --> 00:05:02,195
I'm your brother, Chris.
103
00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:04,130
We're a team and we've got
to look out for each other.
104
00:05:04,154 --> 00:05:06,354
Like Owl and Costello.
105
00:05:06,423 --> 00:05:07,684
I mean the fellow's
name on first base.
106
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:09,485
Hoo.
The fellow playing
first base.
107
00:05:09,509 --> 00:05:11,120
Hoo.
The guy on first base.
108
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,290
Hoo.
I'm asking you
who's on first!
109
00:05:13,314 --> 00:05:15,758
Hoo.
That's what I'm
asking you!
110
00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:19,417
Nothing will ever be funnier
than misunderstandings.
111
00:05:25,442 --> 00:05:26,685
All right,
Chris, here they come.
112
00:05:26,709 --> 00:05:28,029
Now, remember what we practiced.
113
00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:29,655
Now, what are you gonna call
the one in the middle?
114
00:05:29,679 --> 00:05:31,446
Isosceles triangle?
115
00:05:31,514 --> 00:05:33,526
What? Come on, Chris!
We worked on this all night.
116
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:36,084
I know!
I also had a geometry test!
117
00:05:36,153 --> 00:05:37,435
Well, how'd that go?
118
00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:43,825
Hey, look who it is.
119
00:05:43,894 --> 00:05:45,059
Dorky Pig.
120
00:05:45,129 --> 00:05:47,612
Go on, Chris.
It's now or never.
Let them have it.
121
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,264
Nice muscles.
122
00:05:49,333 --> 00:05:51,133
What, do you belong to a gym?
123
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:52,533
Oh, for God's sake, Chris.
124
00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:54,636
Here, put me on your back
and repeat what I say.
125
00:05:54,705 --> 00:05:56,972
Quick! Here they come!
126
00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,759
You're even uglier
up close, Griffin.
127
00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:03,428
Okay, now say...
128
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:05,847
I heard you were born
out of your mom's butt.
129
00:06:05,916 --> 00:06:08,917
I heard that from your mom
while I was doing her.
130
00:06:08,986 --> 00:06:10,184
You're a butt baby.
131
00:06:10,253 --> 00:06:12,453
That's why you've got moles
all over your chest.
132
00:06:12,522 --> 00:06:14,555
Leftover birth dook.
133
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:17,992
Oh, man!
Griffin schooled him!
134
00:06:18,061 --> 00:06:19,705
I can't believe
I'm moving tomorrow,
135
00:06:19,729 --> 00:06:21,841
and I won't get to
see how this works out.
136
00:06:21,865 --> 00:06:24,432
Wow, Stewie, we're gonna
work perfectly together.
137
00:06:24,501 --> 00:06:26,601
Like Sherlock Holmes and Watson.
138
00:06:26,670 --> 00:06:27,869
Watson, a clue!
139
00:06:27,938 --> 00:06:30,098
The intruder has
tracked in a red clay,
140
00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:33,274
which can only be found near
London's homosexual bathhouse.
141
00:06:33,343 --> 00:06:34,509
Amazing, Holmes.
142
00:06:34,577 --> 00:06:35,744
How did you know that?
143
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,946
Just from,
like, books and stuff.
144
00:06:41,768 --> 00:06:43,167
Your turn.
145
00:06:47,391 --> 00:06:49,151
You know, Peter, it's so nice
146
00:06:49,193 --> 00:06:51,171
that after all these years
we've been together,
147
00:06:51,195 --> 00:06:52,505
- we can still...
- Smoke break!
148
00:06:52,529 --> 00:06:54,696
What? Peter, what are you
doing down there?
149
00:06:54,765 --> 00:06:57,498
Nothing.
Well, it doesn't seem
like nothing.
150
00:06:59,903 --> 00:07:02,137
Peter, since when are
you a smoker?
151
00:07:02,205 --> 00:07:03,604
Put that out right now!
152
00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:05,417
Smoking is highly addictive.
153
00:07:05,441 --> 00:07:06,507
I'm not addicted.
154
00:07:06,576 --> 00:07:07,954
I just need a couple
every hour or so,
155
00:07:07,978 --> 00:07:09,644
so I don't go completely insane.
156
00:07:09,713 --> 00:07:11,791
Peter, that's exactly
what addicted means.
157
00:07:11,815 --> 00:07:13,614
You have a serious problem.
158
00:07:13,684 --> 00:07:15,016
Cigarettes will kill you.
159
00:07:15,085 --> 00:07:17,068
Relax, Lois.
I can quit any time I want.
160
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,737
Look, I'll toss
this one out right now.
161
00:07:20,990 --> 00:07:23,524
I'm so sorry I threw
you out the window!
162
00:07:26,163 --> 00:07:28,313
Hey, man, can you keep it down?
163
00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:30,531
Sorry. Wait,
whose bedroom are you in?
164
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,967
Meg's.
Okay, that's fine then.
165
00:07:38,942 --> 00:07:40,091
Where's Dad?
166
00:07:40,159 --> 00:07:42,544
Your father got up early
and went for a run.
167
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,297
Nothing like an after-run mint
168
00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:49,134
to get rid of
that jogger's breath.
169
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:50,962
Okay, now sit down and
have some breakfast.
170
00:07:51,020 --> 00:07:52,787
I made your favorite,
waffles and...
171
00:07:52,855 --> 00:07:54,855
Hey, did anybody
get the paper today?
172
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,790
Nothing like an after-paper mint
173
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,934
to get rid of that
paper-getting breath.
174
00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:05,594
You know, I feel like
these waffles could use
175
00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:07,030
a little fresh air.
Come on, boys.
176
00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:09,404
Peter, sit down.
You need your breakfast.
177
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,265
Oh, Peter, I meant to tell you.
178
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:24,035
Remember my cousin Sylvia's
husband Robert? Well...
179
00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:25,648
Does this story have an end?
180
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:26,988
Peter, I just started.
181
00:08:27,057 --> 00:08:28,751
Oh, Meg's out of milk.
I'll get you a carton.
182
00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:31,056
Hey, good story, Lois.
You wrapped it up nicely.
183
00:08:36,699 --> 00:08:38,494
I know it's
technically not illegal,
184
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:41,085
but it seemed wrong when
your music teacher wrapped
185
00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:43,621
a trash bag around his waist
so he could change pants.
186
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,606
Hey, Jew-bacca!
187
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,241
Passover's stupid and I'm gonna
188
00:08:47,310 --> 00:08:49,844
prove it by breaking your nose.
189
00:08:49,913 --> 00:08:52,880
Hey! Why don't you pick on
someone your own religion
190
00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:54,516
who can fight for themselves?
191
00:08:54,584 --> 00:08:56,184
And you're not so tough.
192
00:08:56,253 --> 00:08:58,052
You frequently opt
out of swim class
193
00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,855
because of your gross,
microcephalic penis.
194
00:09:00,923 --> 00:09:01,989
It's not gross!
195
00:09:02,058 --> 00:09:03,191
It's special.
196
00:09:03,260 --> 00:09:06,661
I can use it to
reset my cable box.
197
00:09:06,729 --> 00:09:09,647
Hey, Chris, what you did there
for that sweaty Jew,
198
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,182
that was really nice.
199
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:12,584
Back away, foul wench!
200
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:15,453
Your wide hips hold
no temptation for me!
201
00:09:16,606 --> 00:09:18,990
I mean, you have
202
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,895
a vulva and fallopian tubes.
203
00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:25,597
Finally!
A guy who listens!
204
00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:27,632
Here's my number.
Call me.
205
00:09:34,857 --> 00:09:36,369
Peter, when'd you start smoking?
206
00:09:36,393 --> 00:09:38,670
Well, you know, at first
it was a way to
get out of work,
207
00:09:38,694 --> 00:09:40,672
but then I discovered
it's a delightful habit
208
00:09:40,696 --> 00:09:41,740
that has lots of benefits.
209
00:09:41,764 --> 00:09:43,398
Yeah? Like what?
210
00:09:43,466 --> 00:09:46,534
Like I get to punctuate tough
conversations by
ashing a cigarette.
211
00:09:46,602 --> 00:09:48,086
Joe, your marriage is over.
212
00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:50,922
Oh, please.
Bonnie and I are
stronger than ever.
213
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:53,324
Your marriage
214
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:55,276
is over.
215
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,848
Well, now that you
say it with the cigarette...
216
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,590
God, there's, like, no one hot
at this school this year.
217
00:10:09,659 --> 00:10:12,979
Okay, students, take your seats.
218
00:10:13,463 --> 00:10:15,112
First off, we have a new rule.
219
00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:18,533
No more askingthe gym teachersif they went to college.
220
00:10:18,602 --> 00:10:20,335
They did not.
221
00:10:20,403 --> 00:10:22,715
Next,it's time for nominationsfor student body president.
222
00:10:22,739 --> 00:10:25,751
As of now, we havethe perpetuallyupbeat black kid
223
00:10:25,775 --> 00:10:27,142
running unopposed.
224
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:30,477
Come on, yo, this is gonna be
a great year for all of us!
225
00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:34,298
Surely there's another student
who'd like to throw
his hat in the ring.
226
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:36,084
I nominate Chris Griffin!
227
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:40,305
Chris, they love you.
228
00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:42,507
I'm a better coach than God.
229
00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:44,826
Come on, you're getting
crucified out there!
230
00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:46,806
I know.
It's a crucifixion.
231
00:10:46,830 --> 00:10:47,995
Well, yeah, I know.
232
00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:49,575
But that doesn't mean
you should stop trying.
233
00:10:49,599 --> 00:10:51,415
Dad, you're not the coach!
234
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,492
Peter, your fart
didn't go off until 8:30.
235
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,577
Get up. We're late!
236
00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:06,347
What the hell?
237
00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:07,416
What? What? What?
238
00:11:07,483 --> 00:11:09,884
Peter, it's horrible!
239
00:11:09,953 --> 00:11:11,519
Other people live here!
240
00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:14,639
Oh, my God!
241
00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:15,740
How did this happen?
242
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:16,991
It's from smoking!
243
00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:18,120
It's not that bad.
244
00:11:18,144 --> 00:11:19,761
Peter, you can't live like this.
245
00:11:19,829 --> 00:11:21,429
I'm taking you to Dr. Hartman.
246
00:11:21,498 --> 00:11:23,131
No! I hate the doctor!
247
00:11:23,199 --> 00:11:24,749
Are you sure?
248
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,418
There are Cheez-Its in there.
249
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,002
Cheez-Its!
250
00:11:29,405 --> 00:11:31,139
Huh?
Wait. What's going on?
251
00:11:31,207 --> 00:11:33,474
I'm scared! I'm scared!
252
00:11:33,543 --> 00:11:36,394
It's nighttime.
Good night.
253
00:11:40,650 --> 00:11:43,251
Mr. Griffin, I'm gonna need
to ask you a few questions.
254
00:11:43,319 --> 00:11:45,486
Do you think I can jump
and touch that pipe up there?
255
00:11:45,554 --> 00:11:48,189
I don't know.
The hell I can't!
256
00:11:48,258 --> 00:11:49,368
There, got it.
257
00:11:49,392 --> 00:11:51,325
Yeah, I guess your
fingertips grazed it.
258
00:11:51,394 --> 00:11:52,910
Yeah, that counts as a dunk.
259
00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:55,596
Dr. Hartman,
we're here for you to
help Peter quit smoking.
260
00:11:55,665 --> 00:11:57,965
Mrs. Griffin, I can't do that.
It's an addiction.
261
00:11:58,034 --> 00:12:00,313
I can't even get my
son to quit being gay.
262
00:12:00,337 --> 00:12:02,770
Well, you got to do something!
He's killing himself!
263
00:12:02,839 --> 00:12:04,317
All right, how many Vicodins
264
00:12:04,341 --> 00:12:05,618
for you guys to
just leave me alone?
265
00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:06,691
Forty.
266
00:12:08,494 --> 00:12:11,146
Well, it's too bad
Dr. Hartman couldn't help us.
267
00:12:11,214 --> 00:12:12,925
I guess we should go
to the Stop Smoking Clinic
268
00:12:12,949 --> 00:12:15,082
and then maybe get
a couple bottles of wine.
269
00:12:19,856 --> 00:12:22,123
Oh, hey, Stewie.
Ready to go to school?
270
00:12:22,192 --> 00:12:24,292
Well, actually,
Chris, I've got good news.
271
00:12:24,361 --> 00:12:26,327
I'll take the bad news first.
272
00:12:26,396 --> 00:12:28,224
No. What?
There is no bad news.
273
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,860
All right. Then give
me the good news first.
274
00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:33,362
The good news is,
I've taught you everything
you need to know
275
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:34,563
to fend for yourself.
276
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:37,115
So from now on,
you can go to
school without me.
277
00:12:37,139 --> 00:12:38,217
What are you talking about?
278
00:12:38,241 --> 00:12:39,852
I'm running for class president.
279
00:12:39,876 --> 00:12:41,626
I need you!
280
00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:43,228
What are you doing?
281
00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:45,575
You're coming
to school with me
whether you like it or not!
282
00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:47,659
Let me out!
You can't keep me
in here forever!
283
00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:49,228
I have too many
plans for the future!
284
00:12:49,252 --> 00:12:50,851
I'll never win a Nobel Prize!
285
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,648
I'll never be
a member of Parliament!
286
00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:54,917
I'll never get to express
disappointment
with young people
287
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,974
while putting in my dentures!
288
00:12:57,043 --> 00:12:58,726
Stupid younger generation.
289
00:12:58,794 --> 00:13:01,962
Back in my day, we had
Katy Perry, Justin Bieber.
290
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:03,431
That was real music.
291
00:13:14,677 --> 00:13:17,517
Lois, why do all
the people in here look
like Emperor Palpatine?
292
00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:19,842
Because they're all
heavy smokers, Peter.
293
00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:21,666
I'm gonna sign you in.
294
00:13:23,186 --> 00:13:26,737
Would the driver of a 1978
Camaro please move your car?
295
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,422
Man, how the hell am
I gonna quit smoking?
296
00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:36,347
I wish smoking could
just quit me instead.
297
00:13:36,415 --> 00:13:38,299
Thank you for meeting me here.
298
00:13:38,368 --> 00:13:40,568
I have something
very important to tell you.
299
00:13:40,637 --> 00:13:42,936
I have something
important to tell you, too.
300
00:13:43,005 --> 00:13:45,406
Peter, I think we
should see other people.
301
00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:48,126
Okay.
302
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:54,332
Uh, good, that's what
I was gonna say, too.
303
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:56,951
Excuse me, I'm Mr. Stone
with the ad agency
304
00:13:57,019 --> 00:13:58,753
of Anderson,
Wheeler and Thirdname.
305
00:13:58,822 --> 00:14:02,373
And I think
you'd be perfect for
our new anti-smoking campaign.
306
00:14:02,441 --> 00:14:05,159
Me? You'd want me on TV?
307
00:14:05,227 --> 00:14:06,427
Even though I'm hideous?
308
00:14:06,496 --> 00:14:08,262
Sure. Have you seen
Boardwalk Empire?
309
00:14:08,331 --> 00:14:10,465
It's just a crap-fest of faces.
310
00:14:10,533 --> 00:14:12,082
There is one catch.
311
00:14:12,151 --> 00:14:14,919
If you're gonna
be our spokesman,
you have to keep smoking.
312
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:16,971
We need you to stay
wrinkled and sickly.
313
00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:19,674
But my wife brought me here
to quit smoking.
314
00:14:19,743 --> 00:14:21,459
Wives, huh?
315
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,294
Okay, now I'm on your side!
316
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,963
This is awesome!
I'm gonna be on TV!
317
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,798
But no more talk
of quitting, right?
318
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:31,702
You got it.
So, um, does something
like this pay a lot of money?
319
00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:33,804
What do you think
a lot of money is?
320
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:36,113
I don't want to say.
I'm embarrassed.
321
00:14:42,982 --> 00:14:44,143
And now a word
322
00:14:44,167 --> 00:14:45,944
from the American
Lung Association.
323
00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:48,303
Oh, hey, guys!
Here comes one of my TV spots!
324
00:14:48,371 --> 00:14:50,521
Hi, Peter Griffin,
sickly smoker.
325
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:52,906
This is your heart.
326
00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:55,376
This is your
heart on cigarettes.
327
00:14:55,445 --> 00:14:56,589
Any questions?
328
00:14:56,613 --> 00:14:58,245
Yeah,
where'd you get that heart?
329
00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:02,617
Hey, Peter,
now that you're a celebrity,
330
00:15:02,686 --> 00:15:04,597
could I get a picture
of you to put on the wall?
331
00:15:04,621 --> 00:15:06,103
Sure, here you go.
332
00:15:06,172 --> 00:15:07,333
Thanks, man.
333
00:15:07,357 --> 00:15:09,118
I'll put you up next
to these black celebrities
334
00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:11,492
who are just
confusing strangers to you.
335
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,060
Who's Marlin Johnson?
336
00:15:13,128 --> 00:15:15,396
Oh, come on, man.
Stand-up comedian?
337
00:15:15,465 --> 00:15:18,666
He got that whole thing
about the Oh-Ee-Oh-Ee-Hey-Yo.
338
00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:21,602
I can't even get through it.
339
00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:23,438
Hey! You talking about
Marlin Johnson?
340
00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:26,357
- You know it!
- Oh-Ee-Oh-Ee-Hey-Yo!
341
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,275
That's right.
342
00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:33,932
Hey, Lois.
343
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:36,333
Peter, I saw your ad on TV,
and I got to say,
344
00:15:36,402 --> 00:15:38,502
I'm glad you're finally
doing the right thing.
345
00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:41,589
Yeah, it feels good
to be helping people.
346
00:15:41,658 --> 00:15:44,291
Peter, what are you doing?
I thought you quit!
347
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,104
Hey, if George Michael
doesn't have to give up butts,
348
00:15:46,128 --> 00:15:47,878
why should I?
349
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:53,300
I'm serious.
You have to stop smoking!
350
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:55,280
Have you looked in the mirror?
You look terrible.
351
00:15:55,304 --> 00:15:56,603
Eh, what do you care?
352
00:15:56,672 --> 00:15:58,884
It's not like you have to look
at my face when we have sex.
353
00:15:58,908 --> 00:16:01,075
Not since we
started role-playing.
354
00:16:01,144 --> 00:16:03,211
Peter, I'm ready.
355
00:16:03,279 --> 00:16:06,280
Okay, now put on yours.
356
00:16:06,348 --> 00:16:09,450
Wow, isn't it weird that
we both picked Mario Lopez?
357
00:16:09,518 --> 00:16:11,418
Yes, Peter.
It's very weird.
358
00:16:11,487 --> 00:16:15,089
Yeah, it shows that we both
go Latino, but soft Latino.
359
00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:22,363
"Day five of my imprisonment
inside Chris' backpack.
360
00:16:22,431 --> 00:16:24,509
"Feces,
and the buildup thereof,
continues to be
361
00:16:24,533 --> 00:16:26,000
"my number one problem.
362
00:16:26,069 --> 00:16:28,047
"I think a teacher saw
me the other day
but said nothing.
363
00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:29,737
"I waved and he looked away."
364
00:16:36,362 --> 00:16:39,080
This could be my chance
to escape this canvas cage!
365
00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:52,638
That sounds
like an open door.
Which way is out?
366
00:16:52,662 --> 00:16:54,227
God, I love walking in the hall!
367
00:16:54,296 --> 00:16:55,446
There! That way!
368
00:16:58,484 --> 00:16:59,484
Must escape!
369
00:17:02,071 --> 00:17:04,805
Must escape.
370
00:17:11,397 --> 00:17:13,597
You're gonna die in there.
371
00:17:17,653 --> 00:17:20,087
Welcome back, Mr. Griffin!
You look terrible!
372
00:17:20,155 --> 00:17:21,972
Thanks, man named Sandy!
373
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,961
Oh, hey, you know,
I don't know if you're the guy
374
00:17:23,993 --> 00:17:26,127
to talk to about this,
but when I went to my trailer
375
00:17:26,195 --> 00:17:28,395
this morning, there was
a hairy naked guy in it.
376
00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:29,764
We don't provide trailers.
377
00:17:29,832 --> 00:17:31,510
We're just next
door to a trailer park.
378
00:17:31,534 --> 00:17:34,501
Ah. That would
explain the violent
lovemaking that followed.
379
00:17:34,570 --> 00:17:36,265
Listen, Peter, we need to talk.
380
00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:39,824
I'm sorry to tell you this,
but we no longer
need your services.
381
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,708
Wait. What?
382
00:17:41,777 --> 00:17:43,076
How could you do that?
383
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:44,540
Well, I went to a NASCAR event
384
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,842
and realized you're just
an average-looking man.
385
00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:48,699
Please! I'll do
anything to keep my job!
386
00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:50,488
Name anything you
want and I'll do it!
387
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,836
Touch your toes.
388
00:17:55,174 --> 00:17:57,041
Please give me something else!
389
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:59,230
I'm sorry, Peter, it's over.
390
00:18:03,282 --> 00:18:05,699
Why are your eyes crying, Peter?
391
00:18:05,768 --> 00:18:07,168
They fired me, Larry!
392
00:18:07,237 --> 00:18:10,171
Come on. Let's go kidnap
my neighbor's dog
393
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,022
and tell them we don't have it.
394
00:18:18,998 --> 00:18:20,192
Good morning, students.
395
00:18:20,216 --> 00:18:23,083
First of all, I don't care
what the courts say,
396
00:18:23,152 --> 00:18:25,352
let's thank
the Christian God together.
397
00:18:25,421 --> 00:18:29,140
Now then, we're here todayfor the presidentialcandidate debate.
398
00:18:29,208 --> 00:18:31,575
Okay, remember,
people think I'm smart now.
399
00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:34,044
So it's got to be
clever and it's got to pop.
400
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,197
I'm done!
I'm not saying another word.
401
00:18:36,265 --> 00:18:38,177
You can't hold me
prisoner in here forever!
402
00:18:38,201 --> 00:18:41,736
Why not? Name one
person who loves you.
403
00:18:41,804 --> 00:18:45,372
Wow.
Not a proportional response.
404
00:18:45,441 --> 00:18:47,703
All right, let's begin
with an opening statement
405
00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:50,995
from the perpetually
upbeat black kid.
406
00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:52,341
Thanks for letting me go first.
407
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:54,531
I got an hour-and-a-half drive
home after this.
408
00:18:54,584 --> 00:18:56,278
You're not getting it,
Chris, are you?
409
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:59,736
You were being
bullied day in and day out,
so I tried to help you.
410
00:18:59,789 --> 00:19:01,272
I tried to be a good brother.
411
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:03,357
And you've repaid me with abuse.
412
00:19:03,426 --> 00:19:05,492
You're the bully, Chris Griffin.
413
00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:11,632
Oh, my God.
You're right.
414
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:17,705
And now an openingstatement from oursecond candidate,
415
00:19:17,774 --> 00:19:20,424
the King of the Zingers,
Chris Griffin.
416
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:24,362
Go easy on me, Chris.
417
00:19:24,430 --> 00:19:26,430
My sister has MS.
418
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,819
I'm worried what you're
gonna do with that.
419
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:31,001
I'm out. I'm not running.
420
00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:32,603
And neither is she.
421
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,187
I knew you'd have something.
422
00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:35,539
No, you don't understand.
423
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,792
I'm dropping out
of the election.
424
00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:42,546
I'm a big fraud,and I've treatedpeople terribly.
425
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:45,249
Much like Jeff Zucker
when he ran NBC.
426
00:19:46,969 --> 00:19:50,053
I'm sorry, Stewie.
Can you forgive me?
427
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,940
Well, I may no
longer be on your back,
428
00:19:53,009 --> 00:19:55,609
but I'll always be on your side.
429
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:03,145
All right,this election is postponed.Go back to class.
430
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:04,502
Oh, and another thing,
431
00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:06,904
stop making fun of teachers
who don't have cars.
432
00:20:06,972 --> 00:20:10,190
Life's not aseasy as you thinkit's gonna be right now.
433
00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:19,967
You know, Chris,
what you did on that
stage took a lot of guts.
434
00:20:20,035 --> 00:20:21,146
Thanks, Stewie.
435
00:20:21,170 --> 00:20:23,654
And thanks to you,
I'm no longer getting bullied.
436
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:24,922
Well, that's great.
437
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:27,057
I guess we put those bullies
in their place, huh?
438
00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:29,293
Yeah.
Two of them shot themselves.
439
00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:32,029
Oh, that's so
good to hear, Chris.
440
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:33,959
Are they done?
They're all done?
441
00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:35,427
Okay, all right,
let's finish ours.
442
00:20:35,451 --> 00:20:37,279
Well, I finally quit smoking and
443
00:20:37,303 --> 00:20:39,048
I'm ready to go back to normal!
444
00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:40,638
Peter, that's not how it works.
445
00:20:40,707 --> 00:20:42,873
The damage you've
done is irreversible.
446
00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:45,226
Yeah, Lois is right.
As bad as you look,
447
00:20:45,294 --> 00:20:47,728
the damage you've
done to your heart
and your lungs is,
448
00:20:47,796 --> 00:20:50,197
no doubt,
exponentially worse.
What?
449
00:20:50,265 --> 00:20:53,262
Well, try cutting to the
outside of the house
over some music.
450
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:54,486
That usually works.
451
00:20:59,225 --> 00:21:00,225
Fuck.
34120
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