All language subtitles for Family Guy - S12E12 - Mom s the Word (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Peter, what are you doing?

I'm watching this
awesome show, Brian.

See, they took all these colors

and they're making 'em
all live together
in a beach house.

Now the red one is
sleeping with the green one.

And the blue one thinks
he's gonna have
a career in music.

And the yellow one
is just a total bitch.

Peter, that's just a channel
that's gone off the air.

And we'll be right

back with more
Color Bar Beach House

after these messages.

Oh.
Peter, for God's sake,

did you eat
this entire roll of
raw cookie dough?

Is that what that was?
I thought it was
a raisin sausage.

Peter, you're gonna get sick.

You can't just eat raw food
out of the fridge.

Eh, calm down.
People make mistakes.

Just look at
the original design
for the first hybrid car.

Eric, we love the car.

We only want to
change one thing.

Is it the "rapist" sign?

Yes, it is the "rapist" sign.

I quit.

So, as you can see,

our quarterly output is up
one-and-a-half percent.

That's not net,
I'm talking gross.

You do everything gross.

We're predicting
another two percent growth...

Stupid boring meeting.
I don't even want to be here.

I'd rather be home,
doing dramatic
garage-door reveals.

Continue to be
available for those...

What was that?

Ah, that doesn't feel right.

Oh, man,
I think that cookie dough

is fighting that taco
I found in the parking lot.

I just hope I can hold it in
until the meeting's over.

And now, 23 minutes of silence

for the 23 workers
who drowned in
the vats this year.

Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts.

Of course it hurts, Griffin.
They were good men,
all of them.

I can't hold it in!

You don't have to, Griffin!
Let it out!

That's what we're here for.

This was supposed to be
23 minutes of silence

and there's kind of
a lot of conversation
going on.

Hey, Peter,
you gotta write
something funny

in Judy's birthday card.

Uh, okay, okay.

But read what Hank wrote first.

Oh... That's great.

Uh, okay, okay, uh...

"I once tried to
find a ChapStick
in your purse.

"Is that a real gun in there?
Happy birthday."

Okay, here you go.

That's what Hank wrote!

Hey, Peter,
my kid's selling Girl
Scout cookies and...

We're collecting for
Janet's pregnancy...

Softball sign-up...

Trick or treat for UNICEF...

Oh!
Pitch in for Ed's
retirement cake?

Holiday party? Whoa!

Company picnic? Oh!
Secret Santa?

Carpool info?

Oh, finally. Now I
can get myself to the...

Uh-oh!

There you are, Griffin.

You ever run out of a meeting
like that again,

you're fired.

I'm sorry, Angela.

My son turned into a wolf
during a basketball game

and it required my attention.

Griffin, I'm not falling for
another one of your excuses.

I still haven't
forgotten how you tried to

get out of last
week's fire drill.

All right, everyone,
fire drill. Let's go.
Outside. Now.

Can I stay?
I'm already on fire.

No, Griffin.

Fine.
Don't even have a jacket.

Oh, man, now everyone's
gonna remember me for this.

I wanted to be remembered
for my achievement in film.

There he is.

Oh. Oh, I see.

Oh, you're all here
because you heard the news.

Well, fine.

Peter Griffin
crapped himself at work.

Happy?
Peter...

No, no,
Lois, let's get it all out.

I'm sure you also heard

that someone
walked into my office

while I was
sucking on my own toes.

And do I go
fast-walking in nurses' shoes
every Saturday in the park?

Yes, I do.

Peter, we're not here
because of any of that.

Okay, I know what this is about.

Somebody saw me holding hands

with a guy at
Quiznos this morning.

All right,
and was I involved in
the Oklahoma City bombing?

A little bit.

No,
Peter, you're not getting it.

Okay, we'll go deeper.

Yeah, I was swindled by that cat

who said he was from the future.

Turns out he was
just a present-day cat
with a smooth sales pitch.

Dad, you don't understand.

Oh, I understand.

I understand I've made
hundreds of deadly enemies

by shouting racial taunts
up at the jailhouse windows.

Oh, and another thing.

Raise your hand
if you think ducks are magic.

And up it goes!
Peter's the only one.

Peter,
that's not why they're here.

And no, none of us heard about
you soiling yourself at work.

Oh...

Well, why is everybody here?

Peter, your mother is dead.

She had
a stroke this afternoon
and she died.

You don't die from that, Lois.

You just host New Year's Eve
and talk funny.

Peter, it's true.
I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God.
I don't believe it.

She's gone?

All right, well, I'm gonna go
confuse everyone on Facebook

with a "So sad,
terrible day" status
and nothing more.

Your mother was
a good woman, Peter.

Thanks, Lois. I just...

I just can't
believe she's really gone.

And I can't believe
this funeral
home has a skylight

with a sinister
clown staring down at us.

Thank you for coming, everyone.

We're here to celebrate
the life of Thelma Griffin.

Here to say a few
words about Thelma
is her son, Peter.

My mother always hoped
to be buried with
her pet cat Mittens,

so I'd like to thank
the Quahog Veterinary Society

for putting
Mittens down so quickly.

Yeah, just go ahead
and toss it in there.

Probably just stuff
it in by the feet.

Okay,
I will now take questions
from the audience.

No? None?
They don't have
to be about my mom.

Is anyone else here
watching Revolution

and wanting to talk
about it after this?

No, no, no! Not caught up!
I'm not caught up!

Lot of white
socks with dress shoes
in this bitch.

God, I hate funerals.

Yeah, they're stupid.

Thank God I'm not going to die.

What do you mean?
Of course you are.

I'm not gonna die, Brian.
I'm like Jim Belushi.

I am worried about
my funny brother,
though.

Food fight!

This is tragic,
but will also
open a door for me.

Stewie, everyone is gonna die,
at some point.

Everyone.

So, like, even me?

Yes, even you.
You are going to
die someday, Stewie.

Wow. I guess you learn
something new every day.

Like the Black Eyed Peas.

Hey, what's that?

This is a guitar.

Wow.

You know, I didn't
come around that much,

but I bet she had
a nice life here.

Yeah, I mean,
it is a retirement home,

but it seems
like a lovely place
to live out your golden years.

My tube is out!
But it's not my fault,
don't punch me!

Oh, look at that window.
You get a nice
light in the morning.

Oh, Peter, look,
your mom's old photo albums.

Oh, look at your
little baby footprints.

Yeah, my mom took my footprint
every single year.

When I was eight,
I was a dragon.

Oh, hello. You must be Cocoon.

We don't have any rocks
to make you stronger here,

but welcome.

You must be Peter.
I'm Evelyn,
a friend of your mother's.

Oh. Oh, hi.

This is my family.
They're of no comfort.

Oh, I know it's tough
what you're going through.

You're where I was 17 years ago,

when I lost my husband, Walter.

He died of pancreatic cancer.

That sounds sad,
but I didn't know him.

Man, I miss my mom so much.

Well, I knew your mother
better than anyone.

I could tell you stories.

Well, that sounds nice.

Peter, the two of you should
hang out together.

I'd like that very much.

Well, it's four o'clock.
I'm off to bed.

Wow, Peter,
looks like you
made a new friend.

Yeah, and maybe she
can be my new mom,

you know,
just like Greg
Evigan and Paul Reiser

were briefly my two dads.

I keep forgetting your names.

Can you just be "Jew Dad"
and you'll be "Earring Dad"?

Stewie, could you please stop
tossing and turning?

It's hard enough
to sleep in here
without my memory foam pillow.

Uh...
Don't tell me, don't tell me.

Brian!
Yep.

Yeah...

I can't go to sleep,
Brian, I'm scared!

Of what?
Of death!

Well, you're not alone.

The world is full of people
who can't accept death.

And they've all
got their own ideas
of what happens when we die.

Really? Like what? Tell me.
Are any of them
blindly reassuring?

Look, it's late.
We'll talk about it
first thing tomorrow.

Geez, you know, I gotta say,

it's weird to see
you so worked up
about this.

I mean, you're not
afraid of anything.

Even that
monster in your closet.

Ah, he's on his way out of here.

Ever since he violated
the section of his lease

that doesn't allow subletters.

What are you talking about?
I don't have
anyone else in here.

Just tell him the truth, Ethan.

Thank you for doing this, Brian.

No problem, Stewie.

Our first stop today
is a Jewish synagogue.

Wow, every brick in this place
is named after someone.

Yeah, they do that
to honor their donors.

So that side of
the building was donated by

someone named "Get
Out Of Our Town"?

No,
I think that was the work of
some shaved-headed gentleman,

but we're here to
talk about Judaism.

So,
where do they think they go
when they die?

Well, you should
try asking the rabbi.

Although, I should warn you,
you might not get an answer.

So, where do Jewish
people think they go
when they die?

Where do you think we go?

I don't know.
That's why I'm asking you.

Why do you think
you're asking all
these questions?

I just...
I just really want
to know what happens.

Do you think
that's part of
God's infinite plan?

I think your whole
religion is a sham,

just so you can
get extra holidays
off from work.

Oop, gotta go. It's Buchwuch.

I say, this is quite impressive.

Buddhism is an Asian religion

that also has
a significant following
of annoying white people.

Okay.

See, these guys
believe that after you die,
you're reincarnated

and you come back
as a pig or
a cow or a rooster.

Okay. Okay, that's good.

I already know
what noises to make
if I'm one of those.

But they also don't believe
in demonstrating
emotions either way,

so they're the worst people
to buy birthday gifts for.

I know you've
been having trouble
getting around,

so I bought you a new Lexus.

And I got you this tie clip.

Thank you both.
These are equal to me.

Fuck you!
You don't even own a tie.

Now, the Catholics believe that

as long as you accept
Jesus before you die,

anyone can get into heaven.

Really? Anyone?

I accept Jesus as
my Lord and Savior!

Yes!

Peter, thank you so much
for your help in
making this cake,

but don't you think
it would be easier
if you stood on the floor?

Yeah,
but when I baked with my mom,
I always stood on a chair.

Another memory is
my uncle Roy
putting his thumb in me.

Ah, the best memories
are family memories.

Oh, hey, Evelyn,
I got a riddle for you.

What newspaper do cows read?

The Moo York Times.

That's very clever, Peter.
Did you make that up?

Nah, I got it off a yogurt.

Still, very impressive.

God, you know, Evelyn,

you've really helped me
through a tough time.

I haven't been this grateful
since I met the Sane Hatter.

Excuse me, how do I get back
through the looking glass?

Oh, yeah, take two lefts
and it's the first
door on your right.

Cool. Great.
Thanks for not
giving me the runaround.

I asked that guy over there,

but he just told me
a bunch of rhyming nonsense.

Oh, yeah. He's,
like, a well-known dick.

What are you still doing awake?

Changing the oil in my car!
What the hell do
you think I'm doing?

Sorry, I stole that
from the Italian
family next door.

They've been
going at it all night.

Dad, can I have $5
for lunch tomorrow?

Yeah, sure,
just let me just go check

my room full of gold and jewels.

You see,
every first thing he says
is not the real thing.

Anyway, Brian,
I'm trying to
figure out death!

It's not that complicated,
Stewie.

Well, which of these religions
has the right answer?

What about you, Brian?

What do you believe happens
when you die?

Nothing.
Lights out. That's it.

That's not comforting at all!

Well, I just think
it's pretty clear

that we're all just
bags of bones and flesh

that eventually break down
and decay into worm food.

We come from nothing,
and we're gonna
become nothing.

The end. Night, Stewie.

Lights out.

Did you hear him, Rupert?

Life is just a big joke.
It's just sitting around,
waiting to die.

Well, I can't live like that.

I'd rather just end it.
I'm going to take my own life.

But first, I'm gonna
play ball in the house.

Parents are right!

- We now return to
- S.T. the Special-Terrestrial.

Hi!

Hey, guys, this is Evelyn.

She's the one with
that bathroom carpet
I've been peeing on

I told you about.

Hey, nice to meet you.

You know,
instead of drawing
on your eyebrows,

maybe just go without eyebrows.

And I'm Joe Swanson.

I've been dying to
introduce you guys to Evelyn.

We've just been having
the best time together.

Evelyn, tell them
how many sodas I combined

at the movie theater.

Two.

It was more than that.
She fell asleep.

She let me drive a little bit
on the way home.

Just in the parking lot.
But you were
a good little navigator.

Yeah, I just remembered,
I gotta get
the hell out of here.

Well, God said I
could walk just one time.

I was saving it for
Susie's wedding day,
but...

Your friends seem lovely.

Ah, they a'ight.

You know, Evelyn,
I am having such
a good time with you.

You're like my above-ground mom.

Oh, Peter.

You know, sometimes,
I think your mother
brought us together.

Yeah, that's how I feel.

Good.

Come on,
are you molesting
me or watching TV?

I can't believe that
old woman kissed you.

Oh, it was horrible, Lois.

There were still crumbs
in the corners of her mouth

from that Nilla
wafer she had at lunch.

Are you sure there wasn't
some kind of misunderstanding?

No, no, those were
definitely Nilla wafers.

And it really bums
me out, you know,

'cause I thought
she was something special.

She was like a mom to me.

Well, then you
should go talk to her
and try to clear this up.

It sounds weird,
but maybe it was innocent.

I mean, this
wouldn't be the first time

you thought someone
was hitting on you.

Would you like to
add chips and a drink?

Here we go again.

All right, Rupert, here we go.

Well, I'm not dead,
but I do have a boner.

So that is
something new about Stewie.

Okay, death by cop.

Hey, copper, come get me!

Oh, no, an armed assailant!

I definitely don't
want to die today.
I have so much to live for.

Come on! Shoot me!

The one day
I don't wear my
bulletproof vest!

What are you waiting for?
I'm wide open!

Don't you hate
how the heart is
right about here?

Just kiss, you fruitcakes!

All right, Rupert,
the old toaster in
the tub never fails.

Oh, damn, I wanted to die,
not turn into Toaster Man.

I don't know about
this Toaster Man.

While he's
getting all the glory,

John Q. Taxpayer is left to
clean up the crumbs.

My breakfast bread
just got perfectly browned!

I just wish I could thank him!

Oh, I think he knows, Pop.
I think he knows.

Evelyn, we need to talk.

Oh, Peter, I owe you an apology.

I'm afraid my new
medicine made me
act foolishly yesterday.

You must forgive me.

Oh. So it was just
your medicine, huh?

Well, I guess I
can understand that.

You know,
I'm addicted to nasal spray.

I smell everything!
I'm invincible!

I'm probably
gonna be a little down
until I use the spray again.

That's okay, Peter.

Now come along.
I've got quite
the day planned for us.

Evelyn, I think it's best
that we don't see
each other anymore.

But, Peter...

No, Evelyn, I trusted you,

and all this funny business
keeps happening,

and I don't think it's
your medicine at all.

So I'm afraid this is goodbye.

But, Peter,
I thought we were friends.

Yeah, right. You tricked me!

You're as bad as
those predators
on the Internet.

That's wild, Stacey.
I'm a 12-year-old girl, too.

My name's Jenny.

Want to come over to my place
and help me move?

Hey, you're not
a 12-year-old girl.

Neither are you, "Jenny."

Huh. I guess we aren't
so different after all.

Yeah.

You know, this isn't
a whole lot of stuff.

We can probably knock
this out in an hour.

What the hell?

Stewie,
what the hell are you doing?

He's doing his taxes!
What's it look
like he's doing?

Vito, get away from
the neighbors' house!

I'm killing myself, Brian.

You said it yourself.

When we die, there's nothing.
We just rot in the ground.

Well, if life has no purpose,
why not just cut to the chase?

Look, Stewie,
I know you're worried,

but you can't live your life
being scared of death.

Nobody knows what comes next,

so all we can do is
pack the most we can
into each day we've got.

So for you,

that's taking
a 45-minute shaky-leg poop
on the front lawn?

I'm just saying,
there's something to be said

for living in the moment.

So what you're saying is,
I've got to find
my shaky-leg poop.

Exactly.

Well, I...
I have always wanted to be
a singer-songwriter.

Um... Yeah.
No, yeah, you could do that.

You paused. Why did you pause?

Uh... No reason.

You did it again!

I swear to God,
I will throw myself
right out that window!

Okay, welcome to
the Apple Tree Pub.

I'm Stewie Griffin,
and these are my
six assistants.

You know, I changed my mind.
Kill yourself.

Hey, Mom,
I gotta talk to
you about something.

You know,
ever since you
turned into a rock

with your name on it,

your friend's been
really inappropriate
with me.

Hello, Peter.

Oh.
Hi. What are you doing here?

Peter, I want to apologize.
I did behave inappropriately.

It's just that since
my beloved Walter died,

you're the first man
who's paid any
attention to me,

and I guess I took
advantage of that.

Huh. Well, you know,

when you put it that way,
I guess maybe it's
a little bit my fault, too.

I missed my mom so much,

and I guess maybe
I sort of used you
as a replacement.

I'm glad we
became friends, Evelyn.

Evelyn? Evelyn?

Looks like
somebody's mom
died or something,

I don't know.

You'll take care of this, right?