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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,888 --> 00:00:08,023
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,092 --> 00:00:11,777
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,846
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:18,066
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,135 --> 00:00:21,319
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,388 --> 00:00:23,004
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:23,073 --> 00:00:24,723
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:29,761
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:39,249
Ah, this hunting
trip is long overdue.
11
00:00:39,273 --> 00:00:40,650
Yeah, I mean, it's just too bad
12
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:43,386
that all the animals
are so spread out,
you know?
13
00:00:43,410 --> 00:00:44,887
I mean, wouldn't it be awesome
14
00:00:44,911 --> 00:00:47,257
if they were all
grouped together,
like in a cafeteria,
15
00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:49,058
and you could
just go in there
with a trench coat
16
00:00:49,082 --> 00:00:50,249
and just waste them?
17
00:00:50,317 --> 00:00:52,817
Maybe I can stir up
some quail or pheasant
18
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,120
with my patented bird calls.
19
00:00:55,188 --> 00:00:58,106
Birds! Quail! Pheasant!
Come on out!
20
00:00:58,175 --> 00:01:02,443
I'm a bird of the opposite sex
who's interested in mating!
21
00:01:02,513 --> 00:01:05,631
Did you hear that?
We're gonna get laid!
22
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:08,400
Billy. Billy, come on.
Don't be stupid.
23
00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:23,193
Should've taken
the shot, fat-ass.
24
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,484
Hey, Peter, you got
your safety on, right?
25
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:32,674
Yeah, of course.
26
00:01:32,743 --> 00:01:34,286
Okay, 'cause your gun
is pointing right at me.
27
00:01:34,310 --> 00:01:36,188
You want me to
pull the trigger
and prove it to you?
28
00:01:36,212 --> 00:01:38,257
No, I just want
to make sure
your safety's on.
29
00:01:38,281 --> 00:01:39,981
There. See, Quagmire?
30
00:01:40,050 --> 00:01:41,050
Safety's on.
31
00:01:41,117 --> 00:01:42,717
Now this is a gun
without a safety.
32
00:01:43,954 --> 00:01:45,303
Quite the difference, huh?
33
00:01:45,372 --> 00:01:47,784
Damn it, Peter,
you son of a bitch!
You shot me!
34
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,157
Oh, my God, Peter!
35
00:01:49,226 --> 00:01:51,070
That might be
the dumbest thing
you've ever done.
36
00:01:51,094 --> 00:01:54,614
No, the dumbest thing
I ever did was open
that can of whup ass.
37
00:01:58,968 --> 00:02:00,902
Lois, why did you buy this?
38
00:02:00,971 --> 00:02:02,604
It was on sale!
39
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:11,646
A writer who inherits
a magic typewriter
40
00:02:11,715 --> 00:02:13,481
that writes for him,
41
00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:17,853
but then it turns out
the typewriter is racist?
42
00:02:17,921 --> 00:02:19,221
Totally makes sense.
43
00:02:19,289 --> 00:02:21,289
Older technology,
older world view.
44
00:02:21,358 --> 00:02:24,593
And that is a good day.
I earned some banana bread.
45
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,847
Oh, crap. It's Dylan.
46
00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:32,534
Dylan? Your son?
I haven't heard you
mention him in ages.
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00:02:32,603 --> 00:02:34,597
Yeah, I decided to step away
48
00:02:34,621 --> 00:02:35,954
from the whole situation.
49
00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:37,834
The last thing he
needs is a father
50
00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:40,142
who's sometimes there,
sometimes not.
51
00:02:40,210 --> 00:02:42,544
Really? When was the part
when you were there?
52
00:02:42,612 --> 00:02:43,878
Hey, if I click "ignore,"
53
00:02:43,948 --> 00:02:45,959
will he know
that I'm sending
him to voice mail?
54
00:02:45,983 --> 00:02:48,316
Hey, Dylan!
Hey, it's Stewie!
55
00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:50,886
Yeah, I'm right here
with your dad!
56
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,521
Hey. Hey, Dylan.
57
00:02:53,591 --> 00:02:54,650
Hey, Dad!
58
00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:56,052
I know we haven't
talked in a while,
59
00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:58,554
but I'm calling
because I'm on
my way to Quahog.
60
00:02:58,578 --> 00:03:01,279
Oh, really?
When are you
getting here?
61
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,658
Tuesday...
Oh, don't say Tuesday!
62
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,799
Aw, aw, I'm at the...
I'm at the...
63
00:03:04,868 --> 00:03:06,868
I'm out at the project all day.
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00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:08,637
Aw, hands on, indispensable.
65
00:03:08,705 --> 00:03:12,975
They need me there,
so, wow...
Rats. Bummer.
66
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:16,227
I can cover for you
at the project, Brian!
Go see your boy!
67
00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:18,608
- Dad, who's your co-worker?
- He sounds nice.
68
00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:20,098
He's widely disliked here,
69
00:03:20,166 --> 00:03:21,778
but I'll meet you Tuesday
at the coffee shop.
70
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:23,613
Sounds great.
I'll see you then.
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00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:25,136
Okay, bye.
72
00:03:25,972 --> 00:03:27,739
See? Don't you
feel better?
73
00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:30,053
You're gonna go to
that lunch, you're gonna
reconnect with your son.
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00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:31,109
It'll be great.
75
00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:32,288
I don't know, Stewie.
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00:03:32,312 --> 00:03:34,179
Trust me,
you should take my advice.
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00:03:34,248 --> 00:03:36,048
I mean, I'm the guy
who told Michael Chiklis
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00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:37,532
to wear tight shirts.
79
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,195
I'll tell you anything you want,
80
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,764
just get your
boobs out of my face!
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00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:43,455
You know
the difference between
you and me, dirtbag?
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00:03:43,523 --> 00:03:47,525
No matter
how muscular I get,
I will never be muscular.
83
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,627
Hey, Quagmire,
what's with the cast?
84
00:03:53,651 --> 00:03:56,062
Did you hurt
your arm after I
shot you in the arm?
85
00:03:56,086 --> 00:03:57,886
The shooting was
the injury, Peter!
86
00:03:57,955 --> 00:04:00,350
Look, I already
said I was sorry, like,
a hundred times.
87
00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:02,941
And before I forget,
I want my Huey Lewis CD back.
88
00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:04,342
Well, I want a new drug.
89
00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:05,688
Okay, at least
you've been using it.
90
00:04:05,712 --> 00:04:07,690
But I want it back, Peter.
This is it.
Ooh-ah.
91
00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:09,058
Damn it,
Peter, just give it back.
92
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,127
I can't give it back.
I lost it in a poker game.
93
00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:13,062
What?
I didn't think he
could beat a two.
94
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:16,171
Where the hell do you
get off betting my CD
in a poker game?
95
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:17,683
I don't think I like your tone.
96
00:04:17,707 --> 00:04:20,775
What? You're saying
I'm being
the unreasonable one?
97
00:04:20,844 --> 00:04:22,388
Geez, calm down, you guys.
98
00:04:22,412 --> 00:04:24,946
No, no. Joe, Joe, Joe,
it's time somebody
said this to him.
99
00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:27,632
Peter Griffin, you are an idiot!
100
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:31,086
You can't even
walk and chew gum
at the same time.
101
00:04:31,154 --> 00:04:33,237
Peter, come on.
Walk over here.
102
00:04:34,424 --> 00:04:37,826
I'm doing something.
One thing at a time.
103
00:04:37,895 --> 00:04:39,360
Damn it, Peter, that's it!
104
00:04:39,429 --> 00:04:41,996
I am done!
I'm done with you!
I'm done with all your crap!
105
00:04:42,065 --> 00:04:45,517
I never want to
speak to you again!
This friendship is over!
106
00:04:45,585 --> 00:04:48,402
Well, fine!
I don't need your friendship!
I got other friends.
107
00:04:48,471 --> 00:04:50,705
I got my silent movie friends.
108
00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:19,183
Coming up,
we'll meet a Filipino man
109
00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:21,636
who actually has
a grown-up haircut.
110
00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:23,066
Hey, what are you
still doing here?
111
00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:24,834
Aren't you supposed
to be having lunch
with Dylan?
112
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,819
Yeah, you know, Stewie,
I've been thinking about it.
113
00:05:26,843 --> 00:05:29,010
And I haven't seen him in years,
114
00:05:29,078 --> 00:05:32,246
and at this point,
I just don't see what
could possibly be gained
115
00:05:32,315 --> 00:05:33,748
from me getting
together with him.
116
00:05:33,817 --> 00:05:36,468
In entertainment news,
Hollywood comes to Quahog
117
00:05:36,536 --> 00:05:39,954
in the form of a newDisney Channel showcalled Parent Boppers,
118
00:05:40,023 --> 00:05:42,102
about a group of
teen detectives.
119
00:05:42,126 --> 00:05:44,626
The show, set and filmed
right here in Rhode Island,
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00:05:44,694 --> 00:05:48,430
stars local teenand Irish trashDylan Flannigan.
121
00:05:48,498 --> 00:05:51,900
Brian, did you hear that?
Your son's gonna be a TV star!
122
00:05:52,819 --> 00:05:54,052
Brian?
123
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,490
He's off to lunch, Meg.
124
00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:00,608
Oh, that dog o' mine!
125
00:06:00,677 --> 00:06:03,611
That's Mike Drunkbeater.
Look it up on the Internet.
126
00:06:15,226 --> 00:06:18,593
Wow, my son Dylan on a TV show!
127
00:06:18,662 --> 00:06:20,729
Funny how life
turns out, isn't it?
128
00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:23,131
You remember that weekend
we watched TV together?
129
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,468
Boy, little did I know
how much that
was gonna rub off.
130
00:06:26,537 --> 00:06:28,069
Did we watch TV together?
131
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:30,238
Oh, probably.
But, wow, huh?
132
00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:34,109
And you know what's weird?
You're on a show,
I'm a writer.
133
00:06:34,178 --> 00:06:37,712
It's almost like
the universe is trying to,
I don't know,
134
00:06:37,781 --> 00:06:40,098
make us work
together or something,
I don't know.
135
00:06:40,918 --> 00:06:42,684
You want a job on my show?
136
00:06:42,753 --> 00:06:45,921
Hey, hey, don't put
the universe's words
in my mouth, okay?
137
00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:49,085
I don't know, Dad.
I've barely seen you
in the past few years.
138
00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:51,009
So, what better way to reconnect
139
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,811
than by working
together every day?
140
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,475
Well, I suppose I
could talk to them,
see if they'd go for it.
141
00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:56,999
Why wouldn't they?
142
00:06:57,068 --> 00:06:59,428
I mean, it wouldn't be
the craziest idea
in show business.
143
00:06:59,486 --> 00:07:00,552
When I grow up,
144
00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:02,487
I want to stick my
head through a circle
145
00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:04,355
at the beginning
of movies and roar.
146
00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:09,378
What's up now, bitches?
147
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:15,294
We now returnto Saving Private Ryan,
148
00:07:15,318 --> 00:07:17,163
brought to youwithout commercialinterruption,
149
00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:18,687
by Mazda.
150
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:32,901
Zoom, zoom.
151
00:07:38,942 --> 00:07:41,221
Hey, Jerome,
can you clear out
my booth?
152
00:07:41,245 --> 00:07:43,456
Looks like somebody
left their trash here.
153
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,680
Jerome, can you tell
that piece of shit asshole
154
00:07:45,749 --> 00:07:47,127
to fucking get
the hell out of here
155
00:07:47,151 --> 00:07:48,761
before I fucking
kick him in the face?
156
00:07:48,785 --> 00:07:51,053
Peter, why don't you
just sit in that booth
over there?
157
00:07:51,121 --> 00:07:54,322
Oh, man, that's where
the after-work
secretaries sit.
158
00:07:55,810 --> 00:07:57,759
What about Mr. Demerson?
Is he single?
159
00:07:57,828 --> 00:07:59,060
I don't know.
160
00:07:59,129 --> 00:08:00,979
What about Mr. Adelaide?
Is he single?
161
00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:02,359
I don't know who that is.
162
00:08:02,383 --> 00:08:04,183
Who do you know who is single?
163
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:06,351
Uh, I'm assuming you.
164
00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:08,460
Oh, oh,
hey, look! Cake!
165
00:08:11,025 --> 00:08:12,874
Hey, Joe!
Hey, Joe! I'm over here!
166
00:08:12,943 --> 00:08:14,221
Joe! Joe!
Come sit with me!
167
00:08:14,245 --> 00:08:15,810
Come on, you guys.
168
00:08:15,879 --> 00:08:18,324
Joe, I got a box of
salt water taffies,
and you can have two.
169
00:08:18,348 --> 00:08:21,061
Joe, I got a deck of cards
you can put in your
wheels to look cool.
170
00:08:21,085 --> 00:08:23,351
Joe, I'll do
the wavy stomach for you.
171
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,253
Looks like a real wave.
172
00:08:25,322 --> 00:08:27,172
Joe, I can scream
your name real loud!
173
00:08:27,241 --> 00:08:29,691
Joe! Joe! Joe!
174
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:30,820
I can yell it louder!
175
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:33,344
Joe! Joe! Joe!
176
00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:36,781
Joe! Joe! Joe!
177
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,767
What the hell is going on here?
178
00:08:38,836 --> 00:08:40,513
I'm in there
trying to take a leak!
179
00:08:40,537 --> 00:08:42,014
What, you think I'm
here to amuse you?
180
00:08:42,038 --> 00:08:44,122
You made me dribble
on my Bruno Maglis
181
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:46,324
turning to see
who's calling my name!
182
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:49,995
Joe Pesci thought we
were talking to him
'cause his name is Joe.
183
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:53,315
Oh, you don't know
who Joe Pesci is,
'cause you're 14.
184
00:08:53,383 --> 00:08:56,184
You see, in the '90s,
this was a tough guy.
185
00:09:02,593 --> 00:09:05,694
Hey, multiracial
group of friends,
you want to hang out?
186
00:09:05,763 --> 00:09:07,379
Cut! That's a five.
187
00:09:07,448 --> 00:09:09,626
Tell my assistant
I fell asleep with
a condom on again,
188
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:11,650
and to bring scissors
to my trailer.
189
00:09:14,004 --> 00:09:16,054
All right, guys,
before we begin today,
190
00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:19,057
I want to introduce
our newest staff writer,
Brian Griffin.
191
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:22,110
Hi, guys. Yes, I am
that Brian Griffin.
192
00:09:22,178 --> 00:09:24,947
You probably have my novel,
but just so you know,
in here,
193
00:09:25,015 --> 00:09:27,483
I'm just one of the guys,
all right?
194
00:09:27,551 --> 00:09:29,117
You have my novel, right?
195
00:09:29,186 --> 00:09:30,318
Nope? No?
196
00:09:30,387 --> 00:09:32,037
You got it, though.
Nope?
197
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:33,171
You got it?
198
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,174
Nope, nobody's got it.
All right.
199
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:39,105
Okay, so we got to
come up with a story
for next week's episode.
200
00:09:39,129 --> 00:09:41,708
How about we do one
where DJ gets his
driver's license?
201
00:09:41,732 --> 00:09:43,376
That could work.
I don't think
we've done that.
202
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:44,867
Love that idea.
203
00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:49,004
No, no, no.
Guys, guys, come on.
Where's the stwistusion?
204
00:09:49,073 --> 00:09:51,785
Really? Really?
I'm the only guy here
who's heard of that?
205
00:09:51,809 --> 00:09:55,193
Stakes, twists,
conclusion. Stwistusion.
206
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,678
That sounds made up.
207
00:09:56,747 --> 00:09:59,042
Let me ask you something.
Are you afraid right now?
208
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:00,231
What? No.
209
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,466
That's what's wrong.
210
00:10:01,535 --> 00:10:04,118
You should be, you know?
Art is scary.
211
00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:06,917
This is writing, man.
The viewer wants
to be raped.
212
00:10:06,941 --> 00:10:09,641
Are you saying my
9-year-old daughter
wants to be raped?
213
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,788
Now you're asking
the right questions.
214
00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:14,580
Now you're being creative,
thinking outside the box.
215
00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:17,260
Take what you think
you know and go
a different way with it.
216
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:18,784
Like, for instance,
217
00:10:18,853 --> 00:10:22,187
what if the daughter
in Taken was
Zooey Deschanel?
218
00:10:22,256 --> 00:10:23,872
Send me her head.
219
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:30,523
Peter, Quagmire,
I've called you
here today
220
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:31,958
because this has got to stop.
221
00:10:31,982 --> 00:10:34,349
The petty vying
for my attention,
222
00:10:34,418 --> 00:10:37,096
the late-night
phone calls,
the attack ads.
223
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:41,239
- Glenn Quagmire claims to be
- Joe Swanson's good friend.
224
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:44,075
But would a "good friend"
not return a leaf blower
225
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:47,012
for four months
during the leafy season?
226
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,563
I'm Peter Griffin,
227
00:10:48,632 --> 00:10:50,543
and I brokeinto a news stationto make this.
228
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:52,701
Hey, who's that guy?
229
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:57,417
Well, look, you guys
have given me
no alternative.
230
00:10:57,441 --> 00:10:59,085
I have to choose one of you.
231
00:10:59,109 --> 00:11:00,408
So I choose Quagmire.
232
00:11:00,477 --> 00:11:01,717
What?
Suck it!
233
00:11:01,745 --> 00:11:03,445
I'm sorry, Peter,
234
00:11:03,513 --> 00:11:06,292
it's just that Quagmire's
been there for me in some
pretty dark days,
235
00:11:06,316 --> 00:11:09,328
and he's been
a wonderful
godfather to Susie.
236
00:11:09,352 --> 00:11:12,688
There she is,
my little Susie-woozie!
237
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:14,756
I love Susie more!
238
00:11:14,825 --> 00:11:18,193
Come here, Susie!
Uncle Peter's gonna
give you a raspberry.
239
00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:23,531
Peter, that's not
where you do a raspberry.
240
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,801
I closed my eyes too early.
241
00:11:25,869 --> 00:11:27,630
I think it's best if you leave.
242
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:28,853
Oh, yeah?
243
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:31,323
Well, maybe I'll hang out
with my godson, Kevin.
244
00:11:31,392 --> 00:11:32,592
Get out!
245
00:11:32,659 --> 00:11:34,842
He was masturbating
with a knife.
246
00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:40,933
We're rolling!
247
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:44,164
My stupid parents
want me to wear
a bike helmet.
248
00:11:44,188 --> 00:11:45,486
Parents are lame.
249
00:11:45,555 --> 00:11:46,955
Hold on, other kids.
250
00:11:47,024 --> 00:11:49,224
Maybe they just
recognize that nothing
can protect us
251
00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:51,459
from the tedium of
our mundane lives.
252
00:11:51,528 --> 00:11:53,812
Aren't we all on
bikes without helmets?
253
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:56,748
Sometimes I just
want to put this gun
in my mouth.
254
00:11:56,816 --> 00:11:59,801
Cut! Your line is
"That's right, Cameron."
255
00:11:59,870 --> 00:12:01,803
I know.
My dad wrote
that one for me.
256
00:12:01,872 --> 00:12:03,255
Again with this?
257
00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:06,035
Yesterday, you had
Dakota give herself an
abdomen-punch abortion
258
00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,636
during her
volleyball tournament.
259
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:09,510
Hey, seventh grade can be hell.
260
00:12:09,579 --> 00:12:10,690
Brian, you're fired.
261
00:12:10,714 --> 00:12:11,714
Wait, what?
262
00:12:11,782 --> 00:12:13,175
Sorry, Brian, but you're done.
263
00:12:13,199 --> 00:12:14,398
Oh, come on!
264
00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:16,179
You can't fire a writer
in the middle of a show!
265
00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:18,937
That would be like
a doctor leaving in
the middle of a surgery!
266
00:12:20,590 --> 00:12:24,091
Help! I'm supposed
to have surgery,
but my doctor disappeared.
267
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,495
Okay, Josh,
this is the shot
you've been waiting for.
268
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:33,684
Okay, Derek,
this is the shot
you've been waiting for.
269
00:12:35,806 --> 00:12:37,406
Dylan, Dylan, there you are!
270
00:12:37,474 --> 00:12:39,952
Listen,
you can't let them fire me!
You're the star of the show!
271
00:12:39,976 --> 00:12:42,155
Dad, believe me,
I want you to
work here with me,
272
00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:44,379
but you can't keep
doing things like that.
273
00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:47,193
And they know you took
those cases of Diet
Coke home last night.
274
00:12:47,217 --> 00:12:48,857
I thought they were
anybody's Diet Coke!
275
00:12:48,919 --> 00:12:50,985
They're for work!
I work at home!
276
00:12:51,055 --> 00:12:52,055
Oh, hey, by the way,
277
00:12:52,122 --> 00:12:53,299
are we all
getting those backpacks
278
00:12:53,323 --> 00:12:54,434
with the name of
the show on them?
279
00:12:54,458 --> 00:12:55,502
You know what, Dad?
280
00:12:55,526 --> 00:12:56,925
I'm starting to think
281
00:12:56,993 --> 00:12:59,205
that you've just
been using me to
advance your career!
282
00:12:59,229 --> 00:13:01,613
God, you're a terrible father!
283
00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:03,881
I never want to see you again!
284
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:09,938
My God, he's right.
I am a terrible father.
285
00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:57,530
Brian, do you know where...
286
00:13:57,554 --> 00:13:59,298
What the hell are you drinking?
287
00:13:59,322 --> 00:14:02,318
Is that Rite Aid brand whiskey?
288
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:05,744
Stewie, I just feel
so awful about what
happened with Dylan.
289
00:14:05,813 --> 00:14:08,013
I mean, every
terrible thing he said
about me is true.
290
00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:10,059
Well, you're
a terrible guy, Bri.
291
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:12,901
I think being
a paid writer again
just went to my head.
292
00:14:12,969 --> 00:14:16,621
I mean, I can't believe
I was so selfish.
293
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,617
It's like Dylan just
held a mirror up to me,
294
00:14:18,641 --> 00:14:21,993
and I could finally see
how poorly I'd
been treating him.
295
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:25,496
I guess I didn't
realize how lucky I was
to have Dylan back in my life
296
00:14:25,566 --> 00:14:28,215
until I lost him all over again.
297
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:29,713
Well, maybe you
should just apologize.
298
00:14:29,737 --> 00:14:30,802
I tried to.
299
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:33,471
I mean, I texted him
"S-R-Y frowny face."
300
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:36,708
I mean,
he knows that I'm sorry
and that I'm sad.
301
00:14:38,261 --> 00:14:40,629
What are
you guys doing
up so early?
302
00:14:40,697 --> 00:14:42,857
What are we...
Where have you been?
303
00:14:42,899 --> 00:14:45,967
Well, I certainly
wasn't at the
Shriners' convention.
304
00:14:48,038 --> 00:14:49,432
You know what I think, Brian?
305
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:51,334
I think you've got to
get down to that set
306
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:53,503
and apologize face to face.
307
00:14:53,527 --> 00:14:55,460
You're right.
308
00:14:55,529 --> 00:14:58,279
I hope he's
willing to hear me out,
you know?
309
00:14:58,348 --> 00:15:00,364
I'm the worst father ever.
310
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,383
I'm even worse than
Marvin Gaye's dad.
311
00:15:02,452 --> 00:15:04,201
Happy Father's Day, Dad.
312
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:07,310
Marvin,
if this another tie,
I'm gonna kill you.
313
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:19,985
Well, looks like it's
just you and me, shadow.
314
00:15:22,272 --> 00:15:23,471
Shadow!
315
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:31,362
Oh, hey, is, uh,
Dylan back here?
316
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,943
Sorry, Brian, Dylan says
he doesn't want
to see you anymore.
317
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:35,211
We're not allowed to let you in.
318
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:37,814
Well, you know what?
I'm sorry, too.
For what?
319
00:15:37,838 --> 00:15:39,337
For this!
320
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,036
Yeah,
you probably would've
had a better shot
321
00:15:43,060 --> 00:15:44,692
if you hadn't yelled,
"For this!"
322
00:15:44,761 --> 00:15:47,121
You know,
that kind of telegraphed
what you were gonna do.
323
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:50,081
Ah, Stewie, it's no use.
They're never
gonna let us in.
324
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,350
Well, maybe you can't get in,
325
00:15:52,418 --> 00:15:54,568
but I think I know
someone who can.
326
00:15:57,307 --> 00:15:59,024
Zac Sawyer?
327
00:15:59,076 --> 00:16:02,310
I'm Zac Sawyer.
Say "when." Acting.
328
00:16:02,379 --> 00:16:06,514
Singing, pop, classical,
light opera, Italian.
329
00:16:06,583 --> 00:16:09,884
Dancing, classical, tap, jazz.
330
00:16:09,953 --> 00:16:12,186
Horse riding.
Can I? Yes.
331
00:16:12,255 --> 00:16:14,022
Accents, 13.
332
00:16:14,090 --> 00:16:16,057
South American, South African,
333
00:16:16,125 --> 00:16:18,492
British upper class,
British cockney.
334
00:16:18,562 --> 00:16:20,645
"What, Govnah?"
Somebody gonna stop me?
335
00:16:20,714 --> 00:16:22,146
Fencing, nunchucks.
336
00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:24,949
Driving? Yes.
Automatic and standard...
337
00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:26,417
Okay, okay. Wow.
338
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:27,663
You're the worst.
339
00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:29,203
Welcome aboard.
340
00:16:33,092 --> 00:16:34,504
We now return to
341
00:16:34,528 --> 00:16:37,211
The Love Boat,
with Somali pirates.
342
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:38,863
I am the captain now.
343
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:41,110
Well, okay,but that meansyou're in charge
344
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:44,636
of getting Mr. Devlinto admit thatafter 30 years,
345
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:47,705
he still loves
Mrs. Devlin very much.
346
00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:49,924
That is not the
captain's responsibility!
347
00:16:49,993 --> 00:16:52,359
Well, maybe not
where you come from,
348
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:54,709
but here on the Love Boat...
349
00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:58,316
Now, who is Mr. Devlin?
350
00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:02,019
Try skinny-dippingwith her likewhen you were kids.
351
00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:03,716
Hey, Lois, if I was
gonna kill myself,
352
00:17:03,740 --> 00:17:06,307
do I slit my wrists
this way or this way?
353
00:17:06,375 --> 00:17:08,487
Sideways for attention,
long way for results!
354
00:17:08,511 --> 00:17:09,543
Meg is right.
355
00:17:09,613 --> 00:17:11,006
Okay, I'll be in the garage.
356
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,447
Peter, put that knife down.
357
00:17:12,516 --> 00:17:14,159
Lois, I don't have any friends!
358
00:17:14,183 --> 00:17:17,013
So I'm gonna kill myself
and get a full
page in the yearbook.
359
00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:19,015
Then they can't ignore me.
360
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,056
Who's that?
I don't know.
361
00:17:25,662 --> 00:17:26,877
Okay, Zac, remember,
362
00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:29,380
your character's name
is Tevin Ashe-Taylor.
363
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,416
You surf and enjoy surfing.
364
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:34,768
In this scene,
DJ Slopes is thinking of
quitting the detective agency,
365
00:17:34,837 --> 00:17:36,270
and you're like,
"No way."
366
00:17:36,339 --> 00:17:37,555
Got it.
367
00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:40,108
We're rolling!
368
00:17:40,177 --> 00:17:42,421
Listen, Tevin,
I think I just need
more time to focus on
369
00:17:42,445 --> 00:17:45,246
my snowboarding
and Web series
about energy drinks.
370
00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:47,982
No, man, you got to stay
in the detective agency.
371
00:17:48,051 --> 00:17:49,979
It's what your dad would want.
372
00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:51,836
What? What are you
talking about?
373
00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:54,500
What the hell's
that new kid doing?
This isn't in the script.
374
00:17:54,524 --> 00:17:56,302
I'm talking about your dad, DJ.
375
00:17:56,326 --> 00:17:58,070
He sent me here with a message.
376
00:17:58,094 --> 00:18:00,761
He said he can't
believe he was so selfish.
377
00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:02,841
It's like you held
a mirror up to him
378
00:18:02,865 --> 00:18:05,966
and he could finally see
how poorly he'd
been treating you.
379
00:18:06,036 --> 00:18:08,536
He didn't realize
how lucky he was...
380
00:18:08,605 --> 00:18:10,516
Stay on me, Camera One.
381
00:18:10,540 --> 00:18:12,485
To have you back in his life.
382
00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:15,794
And now he feels
like he's lost you
all over again.
383
00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:18,997
But how do I know
he won't just
hurt me again?
384
00:18:19,049 --> 00:18:20,999
You don't.
You never know that.
385
00:18:21,068 --> 00:18:25,286
But isn't taking
a risk better than
not having a dad?
386
00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:27,205
Yeah, I guess you're right.
387
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:29,407
You're damn right I am.
388
00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:30,925
Cut!
389
00:18:30,994 --> 00:18:34,162
I don't know where
any of that came from,
but I liked it.
390
00:18:34,230 --> 00:18:35,630
Who are you?
391
00:18:35,699 --> 00:18:38,582
I'm Zac Sawyer.
And I go where I'm needed.
392
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:49,561
Where you headed?
393
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:50,895
Wherever I'm needed.
394
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:52,708
No, no, it does not
work like that.
395
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:54,443
I need to put
address in machine.
396
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:56,767
Okay, maybe you can
just take me home then.
397
00:18:56,837 --> 00:18:58,102
Where is home?
398
00:18:58,171 --> 00:18:59,537
I don't know.
399
00:18:59,605 --> 00:19:01,206
It's my mom and dad's house,
400
00:19:01,274 --> 00:19:02,551
but I don't know the address!
401
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:03,752
I take you airport.
402
00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:04,909
Okay!
403
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:11,610
All right, Quagmire,
I have given this
a lot of thought.
404
00:19:11,634 --> 00:19:13,568
I need you to
shoot me in the arm
405
00:19:13,636 --> 00:19:14,914
so we can be friends again.
406
00:19:14,938 --> 00:19:16,532
Okay.
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!
407
00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:18,355
No, no, I was supposed to offer,
408
00:19:18,424 --> 00:19:19,485
and then you were
supposed to say,
409
00:19:19,509 --> 00:19:21,109
"No, Peter,
I'm not gonna shoot you,
410
00:19:21,178 --> 00:19:22,755
"although I do
appreciate the gesture."
411
00:19:22,779 --> 00:19:24,278
Hand me the gun, Peter.
412
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,714
I, uh...
I passed the test?
413
00:19:26,783 --> 00:19:29,528
No, Peter.
I'm gonna shoot you
like a dirty animal.
414
00:19:29,552 --> 00:19:33,471
But just the fact that
I would make the offer
is so meaningful to you.
415
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,184
Your offer means nothing, Peter.
416
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:37,520
The only thing that
means anything to me
is a bullet in your arm.
417
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:38,988
Now give me that! Come on!
Stop! Quagmire, let go!
418
00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:40,723
You're not leaving
here without being shot!
419
00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:42,424
Look, I was trying to
do the decent thing,
like you'd see in a movie!
420
00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:43,493
I'm putting that
bullet in your arm, Peter!
421
00:19:43,517 --> 00:19:45,533
Ah! Son of a bitch!
422
00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:47,535
It's over.
We're all friends again.
423
00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:48,853
What the hell, Joe?
424
00:19:48,922 --> 00:19:50,772
I'm just trying to
settle this nonsense.
425
00:19:50,841 --> 00:19:52,652
Nothing got settled!
You shot him!
426
00:19:52,676 --> 00:19:54,253
I'm the one who
has to shoot him!
427
00:19:54,277 --> 00:19:55,988
Wait a second.
All right, then I get
to shoot Joe, all right?
428
00:19:56,012 --> 00:19:57,362
He shot me!
429
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,630
I mean,
if we're doing
things fair here, then...
430
00:20:00,716 --> 00:20:02,383
All right, we're good.
431
00:20:07,723 --> 00:20:09,774
Hey, Dad.
Dylan?
432
00:20:09,843 --> 00:20:12,555
I went to your house,
and Chris told
me you'd be here.
433
00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:15,796
Look, Dylan,
I'm really sorry
I hurt you.
434
00:20:15,865 --> 00:20:17,682
I've been a really bad father,
435
00:20:17,751 --> 00:20:20,050
like Ernest Hemingway
or some other great writer.
436
00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:22,069
But if you'll give me a chance,
437
00:20:22,138 --> 00:20:24,355
I'd like to try to change that.
438
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:26,624
I'd like that, too, Dad.
439
00:20:39,106 --> 00:20:41,801
Peter, I'm so glad
you patched things
up with your friends.
440
00:20:41,825 --> 00:20:45,026
Have I told you that
we're all friends again?
441
00:20:45,094 --> 00:20:47,829
Yes, Peter, we were
just talking about it.
442
00:20:47,898 --> 00:20:51,465
They're gonna
take me to the zoo
and roll me around.
443
00:20:52,536 --> 00:20:54,669
We're all friends again.
34622
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