All language subtitles for Family Guy - S12E09 - Peter Problems (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Morning, Stella.

Morning, Peter.

Hey, listen,
I got to ask you something.

Last night, I heard the song
Pour Some Sugar on Me,

and this question
popped into my head.

Are you... And please say yes.

Are you related...
And even if you're not,
please say yes.

Are you related to...

And please say
yes because I need
the attention from my friends.

Are you related to Def Leppard?

Griffin,
can I talk to you privately?

Stella, turn around.

That is one nice thing
about having a deaf coworker.

That and I can work on
my verbal sound effects

and not feel self-conscious
about the ones that
aren't quite there yet.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about this...

That's a helicopter hovering
over a woman swimming
in her pool.

I also do animals.
Here's a mouse.

Mouse?

Oh, that one's ready.

Griffin,
I actually came to tell you

that you're being promoted
to forklift operator.

Really? That's awesome!

Yeah, Frank retired,

and since you're
already required to
wear a helmet here,

which, by the way,
put on your helmet.

Oh, sorry.

Anyway, the job is yours.

Which means you'll be
receiving a 5% raise.

Wow! A raise!

I guess this means

I can afford to
set up this cutaway
with a fancy new transition.

♪ Cutaway

♪ End of cutaway ♪

All right, Griffin,

I want you to move
all those pallets
from here to there.

Okay, how?

With the forklift
you're sitting on.

Ah. All right.

There's gonna be
a lot of guessing
on this job.

All right,
you beautiful bastard,
show me what you got.

Peter, you can run now,
and no one will
call you a quitter.

What am I saying? No.

I learned how to use stickers,
and I can learn
how to use this.

Oh. This is awesome!

Oh, guys, good, you're here.
I am so excited.
Guess what.

I hope this isn't
about your podcast again.

Why?
Did you finally listen to it?

Yeah, it was just 15
minutes of you listing

all the hats you could think of.

Sherlock Holmes hat.
Football man hat.

Angry
working-class Irish idiot hat.

Underwear 'cause you're a cat
in the laundry basket hat.

Vietnamese "the
sun is my enemy" hat.

Halloween-mask-
that-I
flip-up-to-eat-my-candy hat.

College-guy-wearing-
a-pizza-box hat.

Blue hat.

I think that's all the hats.

No,
you guys, this is really big.
You're not gonna believe this.

Peter, we've been over this.

You're not allowed to say that
unless there's
a forklift outside.

Forklift!

Wow!

I know. Awesome, right?

Oh, my God, I want to get on!

Hold on.
Remember the first
thing we said we'd do.

Wow. So that's what the tops
of cars look like.

All right, walking speed.

Afternoon, ma'am.

Afternoon to you, normal sir.

No one can tell.

Uh,
how's the weather down there,
you short idiot?

Should we tell him
his pants fell off?

No, let's wait a while.

♪ You can tell
by the way I use my walk

♪ I walk all the time
'cause my legs can walk ♪

Uh, are you gonna
stay for the bris?

Nah, I don't want to see that.

This whale's beached himself.

He needs to get
back in the water
or he'll die.

- Step aside, I'll handle this.
- Give me some room.

You're "whale-come."

Oh! Cool shell.

This is what
it's all about, huh, Duke?

Six hundred gallons of beer
in one big thing.

This is what we do, Peter.

You know, I always thought
I could chug that,

but I never tried
'cause I figured I
couldn't lift it.

Until now.

Are you nuts?
No way you can chug that.

No, I can totally do it.
I've only had, like,
four beers this morning.

He's doing it!
It's killing him,
but he's doing it.

So, as you can see,
sales are going very well.

Griffin, you're fired!

Eh. See if I care.

Hello, COBRA?

I'd like to pay $1,300
for one month of
health insurance.

How's the job search going, Dad?

Not great, Chris.

I'm looking at
the paper right now.
I don't see a lot here.

Hey, Lois, how much you think
a Sagittarius pays?

I think you're in
the wrong section, Peter.

Oh, pardon me.

Looks like
the Dodgers just cut Pena.
Might be something there.

Peter, put the paper down.

Okay, kids, off to school.

Now, I know it's picture day,
but we can't
afford them anymore,

so just run behind another kid
when they're getting
their picture taken.

Peter, we should talk about
this job situation.

Our savings are
getting pretty low.

You know, actually, Peter,
there's a lot of
job-training programs

sponsored by the state

that could help you
get the skills you need
for another occupation.

You know,
Brian, you could get a job.

I have a job.
I'm a writer, Peter.
I'm working right now.

See this, all of this?

This is the raw
material of a picture of life

that I'm gonna paint with words.

Yesterday,
it took you 30 minutes

to lap up a cold
cut off the floor.

That's my process!

It's been three weeks
and you haven't had
a single job lead.

That's not true.

I came really close
with that job at the school.

So, what makes you want to be
a crossing guard?

I don't know, I just
thought it would be cool

to decide which kids do
and don't get hit by a car.

Well, Peter,
since you've been having
such a tough time,

I was thinking,
maybe I should look for a job.

Lois, I'll be damned
if I will let my
wife be a prostitute.

What?
No, I'll get a regular job.

What, like a lawyer?

Peter,
there are jobs for women
between prostitute and lawyer.

Wartime nurse?

We need money.
I'm gonna look for a job.

Eh. I guess you should.

And that'll give me more time
to focus on expanding
my record collection.

How's this one?

Oh, Bach is very good.
I recommend.

And this one?

Oh, Mozart.
The boy genius. The best.

Okay, how about this?

Oh, Debussy. I love Debussy.

Sometimes all I can
think about is Debussy.

Oh, look at the pianist!
The pianist is so
good with Debussy.

So, you like his early work?

Oh,
yes, when Debussy was young,
that's when you want Debussy.

Okay, I'll take these two.

Very good, sir.

Just make sure you
finish on the Bach.
Never finish on Debussy.

Bravo! Bravo!

All right, you can do this.

You've shopped here for years.

You know this place
like the back of your hand.

Now, Mrs. Griffin,
where did you go to college?

Groceries.

Are you available
to work weekends?

Groceries.

Very impressive.
This next one is
a trick question.

Groceries?
I'm hired.

Welcome aboard.

Hey, guys, great news.

You're looking at
the new
assistant store manager

of Stop 'N Shop.

You got a job at
the grocery store?
That's great!

You get to see all the food
before it's famous.

You know you've made it
when you've got
a teenage boss.

Lois, that's awesome!

Now I can spend
my days at The Clam

like we've always talked about.

No, Peter,
if I'm gonna be out
of the house working,

you're gonna have
to take over for me
in the house.

Wait, wait, what,
I got to do what you do?

Spending the whole
day taking Tylenol PMs

and straddling the bath faucet?

The guy knows
what's going on here,
I'll give him that.

No, I mean, you're gonna need to

cook the meals and do laundry
and take care of Stewie,

like I've been doing.

Are you serious?
Dad's gonna run the house?

Hey, I can do it.

I mean,
it can't be any harder than

that job I used to
have at the bowling alley.

Bowlarama.

Yes, we're open.

Oh, yes, we have
a wide selection of balls

that are way too heavy
or have
too-small finger holes.

Uh,
no, you will not be able to
do anything with your wrist

for seven days afterward.

Yes, sir, all of
the joysticks in the arcade

are completely
covered in pizza grease,

no worries there.

What's that?

Oh,
absolutely, there is always
a group of teenagers

throwing the ball real hard
and scaring everyone.

No, there is no smoking,
but we do let you smoke.

Yes, it's all terrible,
come on down.

Why are you doing laundry
in the dishwasher?

Oh, I can't use
the washing machine,

it's really been
acting up lately.

What the hell?

What's going on down here?

This is washing machine stuff.
Go back upstairs, suck-bag.

All right, Stewie,
I'm gonna change
your diaper now.

Which, unfortunately, means
I have to touch your privates.

All right, so here I
come with the cloth.
Okay?

This is not sexual.

All right, I've made contact
with your undercarriage.

I am moving it upwards
with a cupped hand.

I'm looking you
in the eye now.
Please meet my gaze.

And we're done.

That was intense.

All right, kids,
you are really gonna love

these Cornish game hens
I cooked for dinner.

Now, I don't want to
pat myself on the back,

but I worked all day
getting 'em just right.

Holy crap!

Oh, my God. Then that means...

And that also means...

You know what, Peter?

You tried hard,
and you still
earned that wine.

I'm home!

Wow, Peter,
the house looks amazing.

Yeah, let's take off our shoes
and try to keep
it that way, huh?

No, really, Peter,

it seems like
you've really taken to
being a househusband.

Well, it hasn't been easy.

Between doing
the laundry and vacuuming,

I barely had time to
put on a nice sweater

and clasp a cup of
tea with two hands.

And now to tie this sweater
around my waist

and walk around
the neighborhood.

Well, what do you say
I reward you for
all your hard work?

Geez, Lois,
is that all you think about?
I'm tired.

Come on,
Peter, I need this release.
I had a long day at work.

Oh, work.

I suppose work
is why you missed
Chris' father-son picnic.

Peter,
you're still Chris' father.

Why can't you just listen
instead of trying
to fix everything?

Get in here, Peter.
Don't you want to have sex?

I don't think we've done it
since I started working.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Come on,
where's my big, strong man?

Putting on one
of your dress shirts
to look sexy.

I want to do it on
top of the comforter.

I don't care if we make streaks.

Well, of course you don't.
You're not
the one who cleans it.

Peter, just shut up and take me!

Peter, get up! Get up!
There's
a caterpillar in the bed!

Oh, that's, uh... That's me.

What?

How do I put this delicately?

My hog cannot
partake in the slop
this evening.

Peter, are you having trouble
getting ready?

Yes, obviously,
I'm having trouble!

Well, somebody's
gonna have sex with me.

Lois, don't say that.

Quagmire will show up
like the Road Runner.

It's okay,
your vagina's just
a painted-on hole.

Oh, Peter, you're up.

That's not what I heard.

Hey, Peter,
you want a little something
to put in that orange juice?

What? Why? It's 9:00 a.m.

Well, I figured
you'd like to start
your day with a stiff one.

You can't get a boner!
You're a failure as
a man and a father.

Peter, it's nothing
to get upset about.

There's treatments available.
We'll go see Dr. Hartman.

I don't want to do that,
I'm embarrassed.

This shouldn't embarrass you.

The size should embarrass you.

How about now?
Is this doing
anything for you?

No.
Hmm.

Well,
what if I show you my tattoo?

Nothing.

Well, you got a dead rat
in your pants, mister.

There's got to be
something you can do,
Dr. Hartman.

Have you tried
getting a divorce?

I've never seen this problem
in a single man.

Doctor,
what about Viagra or Cialis?

What about them?

Well, if Peter could try them,
they might help
with his problem.

Those are for man troubles?

I've been prescribing them
as antidepressants.

Everything's just
getting harder and harder.

Hey,
you guys want another round?

I don't know, Peter,
it's getting kind of late.

Yeah, I got to get going.

It takes me three hours
to get ready for bed.

Oh, please don't make me go home

and disappoint
my wife yet again!

What are you
talking about, Peter?

You know how earlier tonight
we all said we had erections?

I lied.
So did I.

Dr. Hartman says I'm impotent.

Oh, you don't have
to take that from him.

You know, Dr.
Hartman once told me
I had gonorrhea.

So I hit him in
the head with a bat.

I give gonorrhea.
I don't get gonorrhea. Okay?

It's terrible, guys.

I tried the pills he gave me,
but even they didn't work.

Well,
look at it this way, Peter.

Without sex,
you'll have more time

to do the things
you've always wanted to do.

For me,
it was learning to
play the trombone.

Why the hell would you
want to play the trombone?

For moments like this.

Peter can't get an erection.

Peter, I am gonna
help you beat impotence.
We can do this together.

Thanks,
Quagmire, 'cause this sucks.

I think even the people at
the office-supply
store can tell.

Um, excuse me,
where do you keep
your three-ring binders?

Those are on aisle...

Hold on a sec.

We're all out of binders.

All right, Peter,
now, when it comes
to curing impotence,

sometimes you
have to get creative.

So, we're gonna try
the Boston Method.

What's that?

Basically,
some dirtbag from Boston
yells at your junk

to scare it into working again.

So you got a stupid penis, huh?

I... I guess so.

You hear me in there, dum-dum?
Let's look alive.

Listen,
I could be nice about this
or I could get my brother.

And he did some serious time
for throwing a turkey
off a bridge into a car.

It's... It's not working.

All right, well, I got to go.

There's a ripped screen door
that needs slamming.

How could a town
with so many great colleges

produce nothing but dopes?

You sure this is
gonna work, Quagmire?

Of course.

This isn't the first time
I've rigged up a sex puppet.

I now have full
control over your genitals.

Are you sure?

Yeah, check it out.

It looks like
an unmanned fire hose.

Stop smiling, this is serious.
You got to have your sex face.

Okay, okay,
my sex face is
a ton of underbite.

Okay.

Lois, I'm ready.

Oh, Peter!

How about this?

Damn it, Peter,
I'll set the pace, you idiot.

All right,
now to let some line out.

Let her dance with it a little.

Oh, come on, Peter,
get out of my water glass.

I need to take a pill later.

Oh, sorry, I guess I need

to be a little more to the left.

A little more to the left!

Come on, Quagmire,
you were a Navy
pilot for six years.

Land this thing.

Oh, Peter, that's new.

Let me try.

Eh, tired.

Nothing seems to be working,
you guys.

Is it gonna be
like this forever?

Yes.
No.

Yes.

Hold on, Peter.

You didn't
start having trouble
in the bedroom

until you lost your job, right?

Yeah, so?

Well, that explains it.

I mean,
you've been
completely emasculated

because you're no
longer the breadwinner.

What are you
getting at, Quagmire?

There's only one thing
that's gonna
restore your masculinity.

We got to get you
your old job back.

It was a mistake for me
to ever take that promotion.

Wait a minute.

It was a mistake
giving you a promotion.

Quagmire!

I'm not following you.

So, by promoting
an incompetent man,
you were at fault.

Nice try, but I'm not the one

who drove a forklift
into a conference room

and sent two
people to the hospital.

Come on,
since this man lost his job,
he can't pleasure his wife.

Is that true?

I have what the kids call
"maje wien probs."

Angela,
I really need my job back.

And I could stand
here and give you

a big speech
about second chances

and promise to work harder
than ever before.

And I could remind you
that one day you
might be in my shoes

and maybe you'll
need a second chance.

But I'm not gonna do that.

I'm gonna cash in
this coupon you gave me
last Valentine's Day.

"One Redo
for Being Fired for
Gross Negligence."

"And One Hug."

The hug one is expired, Griffin.

This one's for free.

Welcome back, Griffin.

Aw!

Who's that?

Oh, I hired a studio audience
to do your old job.

You guys are fired.

Aw!

Peter, I can't help you
shake DVDs out of
the Redbox again.

I got in trouble last time.

Now, go away, I'm working.

You don't have to anymore,
because I got my old job back.

Peter, I'm so proud of you.

And you know what?
Something else is
working now, too.

Oh, my. Let's go home.

No.
I am gonna do you right here
on a stack of pita bread.

Oh, Peter!

Yeah, the bread's all soft
and doughy, isn't it?

And the inside of
the bag's always wet

because those hairy
dummies put it in too hot.

This is a cool place.