All language subtitles for Family Guy - S11E21 - Roads to Vegas (Uncensored)

Thanks for encouraging us
to come to Gay
Pride Day, Brian.

I think it'll be very
educational for the kids.

Look, there's two
of 'em with a baby!
Isn't that hilarious?

They think they're its parents.

Yeah, this seems
like it'll be fun.

Real fun, not "Entertain-
your-wife's-parents-

"while-your-wife-
is-at-work" fun.

Laura gets home at 7:00,

so I figure we can stare
at our wine glasses till then.

So, uh... So, when...

When do you guys
think you're gonna die?

Wow, a parade.

It's like I'm
walking past stuff,
but I'm not going anywhere.

Look, there's the float
commemorating sham marriages.

Sorry, this stomach thing
is acting up again tonight.

Oh,
and I'm going on a business
trip to Mykonos for July.

And it says this next one
is the "Shocking
Reveal Gay Float."

I had no idea.

Hey, check it out.
There's an air show.

Oh, my God, they're gonna crash!

No, no, don't worry.
It's a gay air show.

They're just gonna
lightly touch tips.

Aw!

And, we're back everybody!

I'm Weenie of
Weenie & The Butt,
coming to you live on 97.1.

♪ Radio DJs
at local events ♪

Next week, The Boat Show.

That's right,
Weenie, we've been on the air
here at Quahog Gay Pride Day

for three straight hours now
and I am exhausted.

Worn out Butt.

Ouch.

Well, listen up, everybody,

'cause it's time for
our grand prize drawing
for those tickets

to see Celine Dion
live in Las Vegas!

Infertility!

Here we go!
Our grand prize winner is

Brian Griffin.

Wow, I don't believe it!

Hey, congratulations, buddy.
You know, you're a lucky guy.

The only thing I ever won
was an extra day of summer.

Okay, Peter, one more day.

Yay!

I saw what I look
like in a car window,
and now I don't want to go.

We now return to Franklin & Bash

with indicators
to show which one
is Franklin

and which one is Bash.

Defensive blows to their heads
were to send a message...

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Help me get into used car sales.

Hey, Stewie, I don't know
if you have any
interest in this,

but I was wondering
if you want to go

to Vegas with me
and see Celine Dion.

Are you kidding?
Of course I want to go!
Wow, these are good seats!

I know. Apparently,
they were donated
by Goldman's Pharmacy.

Turns out Mort's cousin
is Celine's opening act.

Really? What's his talent?

I understand he's
a magician of sorts.

All right, for this next trick,

I need a quarter
from the audience.

Okay, thank you.

You see these, Rupert?
I call these my
"buffet pants."

I understand that in Las Vegas,

there is shrimp for the taking.

And after all, what's healthier

than seafood for 10,000
in the middle of the desert?

You almost ready, Stewie?

We should
probably start heading
to the airport.

Yes, I was gonna
talk to you
about that, actually.

Last night,
I was thinking to myself,

"Why fly,
when we can get
there instantly?"

What? What do you mean?

Well, you see,
I recently completed

construction on
a teleportation device,

and it occurred to me,
this may be the perfect
chance to try it out.

Stewie, that's incredible!

Oh. Hey, guys.

Peter, what do you have there?

Give me the scissors.

I was just gonna
make some masks!

Use your scissors.

They're not sharp!

So, what do you say?
Hmm.

Teleport to Vegas, huh?
All right, let's do it!

Okay, now,
the device is
powered by kinetic energy,

so you've got to
dance to make it work.

You, uh... Really?

Yeah, you've got to dance.

What are you doing, you tool?

Do you know
anything about science?
You just saw me program it.

What the hell, Stewie?
It didn't work.

Oh, that's odd.

It appears there may still be
a few more bugs to work out.

Well, it was worth a try.

Oh, my God, Stewie,
it worked!
We're in Vegas!

Yeah, all right!

Well, let's hit the hospital,

get checked for
teleportation cancer
and then party!

Well, since
the teleportation machine
failed to get us to Vegas,

I suppose we should
just catch our plane.

I'll repair it when we get back.

You know,
this is going to be
a good trip, Brian.

I really feel like
fate is on our side.

Scissors are jerks.
And I'm an owl.

Oh, wow,
look at that, Stewie.
Perfect timing.

Oh, it's beautiful.
Everything's just
so beautiful here.

Ugh. This is miserable.

Three-hour delay
and a completely
full flight.

Don't look at us,
you fucking pig.

Take your Juicy sweatpants
and your dirty
pillow from home,

and your bucket of Coke,
and get the hell
out of my sight.

What was her problem?

Oh!

You see that, Brian?
That's going to be our
penises later, right?

Stewie, that
teleportation machine
is amazing.

It's so great that
we're already here.

Yep, drink it in, Bri.
Time to enjoy all
the Bellagio has to offer.

Classic architecture.
Beautiful art.

Plus, the air is clean
because they suck up all
the cigarette smoke

and dump it in the bad hotels.

Smell that, kids?
It's been in
a rich person's mouth.

Hi. We're checking in.
Griffin?

Ah, yes.

I see you've requested
a bed that's good for
bouncing and jumping?

That is correct.
I am a businessman.

Just sign here, please.

And you can actually keep
that pen if you'd like.

No way! Really?

Wow, you see that, Brian?
Good luck already.

You know, I know
we're switching
to a digital world,

but I think
this little guy's
still got a place in it.

Hey, we should try
one of those slot
machines by the entrance.

You know,
they always set those things
to pay out more

so they can lure
people into the casino.

Well, that's a great idea.

Oh, my God, I don't believe it!

Brian, we won!
We won the jackpot!

This is unbelievable!

I haven't had this much fun
since I hosted the Oscars.

Good evening.

I just want to say that
I have the utmost respect
for women everywhere.

And also, the Jews.
Good night.

Thank God, we're finally here.
That plane ride took forever.

Kind of weird
they showed
Flight 93 on Flight 93.

Hi. We're checking in.
Griffin?

Hmm, I do have
a Griffin here, but

that room was
checked into hours ago.

What?

Yes, and I'm afraid
we have no other
rooms available.

I see.
Is there a less heavy person
that could check again for me?

I'm sorry, we're all
booked up because the
Slut Convention's in town.

Slut Convention?
Yeah.

They were promised
a single millionaire,

but it's really just
a bunch of horny squirrels
in a rich-guy suit.

So, you made your
money in business?

Where's your room, handsome?

Can I at least have that pen?

No, that's Bellagio property.

Oh.

Well, this sucks.

Hey, I'm gonna go try
one of those slot
machines by the entrance.

They always
set those things
to pay out more

so they can lure
people into the casino.

Damn it, Vegas!

Excuse me,
where can I find
some smoking Asians?

Oh, everywhere? Okay.

♪ Luck be a lady tonight

♪ Luck be a lady tonight

♪ Luck if you've ever
been a lady to begin with

♪ Luck be a lady tonight

♪ Luck let a gentleman see

♪ How nice a dame
you can be ♪

Oh, my God,
this place is a dump.

Well, let's not be
so quick to judge.

It says here there's
a continental breakfast.

Oh, the continent is Africa.

Stewie, this place
is a complete pit.

I mean,
doesn't it seem
weird to you

that we have
to re-check-in
every 20 minutes?

Also the porn is free,
but we have to
watch it in the lobby.

All right. Look, Brian,
I realize it's
not the Bellagio,

but I'm just trying to make
the best of a bad situation.

Yeah, I know. I know.

And, come on,
it's not the worst place.

Look, the bloody
handprint on that wall
is giving a thumbs-up.

That's not a thumbs-up.
That's a hand
with a penis in it.

Okay, let's see
if we can turn
this trip around.

I'm gonna try some blackjack.

Here, take $40.
I'm gonna go get
some ice cream.

All right,
I'll catch up with you.

Hey there, Denise.

How you doing today?
I don't know.

I usually have to check
with my boyfriend first.

Oh, uh...

Hit, please.

Twenty-four? Crap!

Do you know
what it's like
to go to the doctor

and see your own
foot in the garbage can?

Okay, you have a good night.

Hey, Stewie,
I need some more money.

I lost it all, Brian!
What?

Well, I was on my
way to get ice cream
and I passed a roulette table,

and I put it all on 16
because of that
Taylor Swift song, Sixteen.

That song is
called "Fifteen."

It came up 15!

Stewie, that was all
the money I brought.

I knew
I should've brought
Peter instead of you.

Oh, come on,
you would've done
much worse with him.

He's got a terrible tell.

Any cards, Peter?
No, I'm good.

Oh, this is gonna be great.
I hear she puts
on an amazing show.

She does.
You'll be amazed that

that voice comes
out of that face.

Oh, thank God,
we made it in time.

I didn't realize how far
that awful hotel
is from the Strip.

The woman who
cleaned our room
had no ears.

I'm sorry,
these tickets are invalid.
What?

It's showing
that they've
already been scanned.

I can't let you in.
Oh, come on!

I didn't come all
this way and lose

all that money to
not see Celine Dion.

That's the whole
reason we came to Vegas
in the first place.

Sir, I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.

God, this trip
has been a disaster.

I know.
I actually thought
I was gonna win big

and get
that plastic surgery
I always wanted.

Oh, my God!
Look at him.

He's so cute.

I'm small, so this is okay.

You know what, screw it.
I say we just cut our
losses and fly home.

Yeah, I'm not so
sure about that.

What? Why?

Well, I may have...

And... And you are
gonna laugh about this

if I know your
dark sense of humor,

but I may have
gambled away
our plane tickets.

You what?
How do you
even do that?

It's Vegas, Brian.
You can gamble anything.

I'd like to bet
my daughter's
virginity on 23.

I'm sorry, it's 31.

Ow!

How's it going here?

Not great.
I know what you mean.

We just took
a pounding at
the craps table.

Look, why don't
we just call Lois
and the fat man?

Maybe they can help us.
I don't know about that.

You know that 500 bucks we lost?

I sort of took
that from Lois
without asking.

If she finds out
it's all gone,
she'll kill me.

Oh.

Did you fellas
say you were in
a bit of a fix?

My buddy's got
the inside track
on a basketball game.

It's a sure thing.

I like how all your teeth
are different shapes.

Yeah, no thanks.
Not interested.

Now, hold on, Brian.
Look at us.

We have no money, no prospects.

Well, that's true.

Why are you telling us this?
What do you want from us?

Honestly,
I'm trying to
sell my condo,

and I need people
to come to the open house

and talk about how nice it is.

Wow, the price
per square foot
is quite competitive

with similar homes in the area.

Yes, I also love it.

I will likely purchase it
unless others
put in a rival bid.

Well, what's stopping you?

You know, you've always
been so noncommittal in
our relationship.

Do know how much
it hurt my feelings

when you paused before
introducing me
to your parents?

And it's the same reason
you didn't take
that job in Denver.

I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to waste your time.

I just remembered
my husband is
a total chicken shit!

I'm not 100% sure
what we're doing anymore.

It's like I say,
the best thing
you can see in Vegas

is bar, bar, bar.

Yeah, and
he's not talking
about slot machines.

Ooh!

Stewie, I'm still not sure
this is a great idea.

Relax, Brian,
we're betting on
one basketball game.

That's it.

Then we'll be out of debt
and on our way home.

I suppose.
I just wish
we didn't have to

borrow money from a loan shark.

I mean, that guy
seemed pretty serious.

Okay, and just
a couple of
remaining items.

Please indicate here
if I look like
a schmuck to you.

I'm gonna say no.

Great.
Then please check
here and initial there.

Uh, next, do you think
this is some kind of game?

Um, no.

Okay, initial, please.

And finally,
my date of birth.
Was it yesterday?

It must be awkward in a huddle

knowing one of
these guys is gonna
be an NBA millionaire

and the rest are
just gonna be
weird tall guys.

And that'll do it for us here

with Duke losing by
just three points.

We... We lost, Brian.

Oh, crap, we're screwed.

Hey, Stewie,
give me $100
from the backpack.

I want to pay
a Wayne Newton
look-alike

to beat up a
Rita Rudner
look-alike.

I'll give you $1,000.
Pay him to beat
up Rita Rudner.

Stewie, we got to get
the hell out of here

before that loan shark finds us.

Yes, you're right.

I've got a bad feeling, Brian.

I've got a good feeling, Brian.

I'm gonna get me that honey.

I say, Brian,
this backpack feels

a bit lighter
than it did before.

Well, I wasn't gonna
tell you till later,

but I actually used
part of my portion

to take care of
some personal business.

All right, fine.

Hey, boss, it's me.

I just spotted
those two idiots
who borrowed all that money.

Yeah, well, now they're
strutting around
in flashy suits.

Don't worry.
I'll get that money
back no matter what,

and for sure
I'm not gonna
stop first

and get some
crepes in the lobby.

Where can I get some crepes?

Oh, I think they stop
serving those at 10:00.

Do you know anywhere else
that would have crepes?

I think
Mandalay Bay has a cafe
that's open 24 hours.

Thanks.
You think dressed like this,
that would be a problem?

It's Vegas. You're fine.

I don't mean to seem forward,
but what are you
doing right now?

You may now kiss the bride.

If that's the box
with the computer,
you can put it in the den.

Come on, honey, push.

Almost there.
It's a boy.

Hey, what the hell's goin'
on? I told you to rough
up that dog and baby.

Hey, Stewie,
thanks for coming with me.

This really has
been an amazing trip.

Yeah, it's been great.

Um, listen, Brian,
this might be a good
time to tell you, uh,

I invited, um,
somebody to
come to the room.

Well, what do you mean?

Oh, that must be him now.

Okay, come on,
you look nothing like
your picture in the ad.

Shut up and give me the money!

What? What the hell
are you talking about?

Okay, I'm starting
to think you're
not Apollo.

You bastards think
you can just borrow

a bunch of money
from a loan shark

and then waste
it on tacky suits?

Tacky? Sir, I'll have you
know I bought this in
the lobby of a casino.

Well, don't shoot.
You must have us
confused with somebody else.

We didn't borrow
any money, I swear.

Sounds like
somebody wants to die.

No, no! Stewie,
just give him the money
from the backpack.

Okay, okay.
Don't shoot.

Wha... It's empty.

It's just Cheerios
and coloring books.

What? Where the hell
is the money?

Sir, we can't give you
any money,

but if you've got
some milk and a bowl,

we can give you
a pretty healthy
way to start your day.

All right, enough of this.

You, dog,
pick which one of
you two is gonna die.

What? You can't ask me
to decide something like that.

The life of every being
is sacred,
just like the life...

Fine. I'll kill you.

No, no, kill him.
He's a baby. He won't
even remember he was alive.

You son of a bitch.

Ahh! Stewie!

Now, get us
the money you borrowed.

Oh, my God, Stewie, no!

Yeah, I was booked
for three hours by
Archibald Meatpants.

He's... He's dead.

Okay, well,
either way,
I'm getting paid

and somebody's
getting torn open.

What the hell are
we gonna do, Stewie?

We have no money,
no way to get home,

and one of
the loan shark's goons
is probably gonna

bust through
that door any minute
and kill us both.

I wish my daddy were here.
He always knows what to do.

Son of a bitch.

Well, I better leave a note.
It's the right thing to do.

God, I've never
felt so hopeless.

I mean,
what are we
supposed to do?

Just wait for
them to come kill us?

Well, we could go on the run.

With what money?
And they'd still find us.

Well, why don't we
just hitchhike home?

Even if we could get back there,

we'd just be putting
the whole family in danger.

I don't see any way out of this.

Well, there is one
thing we could do.

What? What's that?

We could go out
on our own terms.

What?
You're saying we
should kill ourselves?

Well, think about it.

We're stuck here,
just waiting for
some mobster to do it.

At least this way,
we can go out together.

But think about
what you're saying!

Brian, we're dead
no matter what.

At least this way,
it'll be quick and clean.

Well, not clean for
the staff of the hotel,

but that's not really
gonna be our
problem anymore.

I don't know.

Look, it's not like
we've got a lot
to live for.

I mean, I'm just
gonna end up like Chris,

only I'll be smart
enough to realize
how miserable I am.

And you've only got
a few good years
left anyway,

and that's if we even
get out of here alive.

All right, Stewie.
Let's do it.

Yeah, see,
I'm glad you
came around.

You know, the only thing
that was holding me
back even a little

is knowing
how much Lois is
gonna milk this.

Everyone,
I truly want to thank you
for your support

and remind you that as far
as casseroles go,
we're good on pasta,

but we could use
some more dessert items.

Oh, I miss my baby so much,

and I'm more of
a chocolate person
than a fruit person.

Well, this is it.

I guess so.

Count to three?

Yep.

One, two...
One, two...

Three!
I'm sorry. I can't.
I want to live!

I didn't really think
we were gonna do it!

You dick!

Oh, my God, Brian!
Brian, no!

Good Lord, what have I done?
I better get
the hell out of here.

What the deuce?
Where did this come from?

Well, looks like
Archibald Meatpants
is gonna have a fun night.

One-way to Providence, please.

Yeah, how much to
get to Providence?

Brian?

Stewie, what the hell?

But how can you be...

Oh, my God.
Could it be?

What the hell is going on?

My teleportation machine worked.

Of course it did,
that's how we got here.

No, that's how
you got here.
I flew.

The machine must
have created
two pairs of us.

One that was
teleported to Las Vegas,
and the other that wasn't.

You're kidding.
That's unbelievable.

I know, it... Wait.
Where's the other me?

Oh, um... What?

Where is
the Stewie
you came with?

Oh, well, these
thugs came to
shoot you,

and I tried to throw myself
in front of the bullet,

but it must have gone, like,
under my armpit or something

'cause it exploded your face.

Wait, what about the other me?

Oh, it was so sad.
You took your own life.

I tried like hell to
talk you out of it,
but you jumped off a balcony.

People keep
coming back
every hour

because they think
it's a regular show,

like the volcano or
the pirate ship thing.

Wow.

Well, I'm so glad you're alive.

Yeah, same with you.

Well, we should
probably head home.
Definitely.

Um, the only thing is,
I'm a little short.

Is there any chance
you could cover me
for the ticket?

Let me see how much I have.

Good news!
I have just enough.

Now departing for Providence.

Hey, did you guys see O?

No, that seemed lame.

You know,
the other you
was a lot more fun.

Which one is O?
Is that the swimming one?

Don't try to demean it.

How does it feel to be
the least cultured
person at a bus station?

Hey.

Hey.