All language subtitles for Family Guy - S11E19 - Save the Clam (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

All right, Drunken Clammers,
this is it, the most important
game of the season.

Now, is everybody drunk?

Completely.
Okay, good.

And did nobody warm up?

Good.

'Cause there's nothing
an unstretched middle-aged
body likes

more than explosive movements.

Now remember, we're here
to impress the girlfriends

of guys we barely know,

so when you get the ball,
throw it like a cannon.

You must throw your arm
out on every play.

Any other
softball-related questions?

Yeah, I got a question.

Can we leave our
bad-for-the-environment

Styrofoam coolers behind
when we leave?

Yes, you must leave them
behind, and they must be
in a crumbly mess

so that the city
clean-up workers have
to chase the little bits

when the wind blows.

You know, Stewie,
this is actually
a good park.

I've found a lot
of old tennis balls here.

I don't care for this place.

Last time I was here,
I accidentally walked
into a Spanish picnic.

Excuse me, has anyone seen
a toy car around here?

Oh, es baby.

I make beautiful.

Don't get any ideas
about Julio.
I'm his number one.

Here comes Goldman's Pharmacy.

Hey, Goldman's Pharmacy!

Can you fill out
a prescription for
us for diarrhea?

We're about to get the runs!

Oh, yeah?
Well, speaking of things
that are brown and can run,

meet our new teammate!

Holy crap.
They got a ringer.

What the hell?
Jerome's on your team?

That's right. We got to know
each other while I was
following him around my store.

What's up, fools?

I'd like to dedicate
my performance today
to Miss Whitney Houston.

Oh, we are fucked.

Come on, Jerome!

Get a hit so I can bring
a sports trophy home
for my parents!

Jeffrey Lipsitz has
two soccer medals!

I can't play soccer,
I have newborn-calf ankles!

You know this, damn it!

I'm gonna tear
the cover off this ball.

But, hang on,
first I got
to adjust myself.

Are you having
a nice morning, dear?

Oh, yes, I love living here,
in the next town over.

All right, chick batter!
Everyone bring it in!
Bring it on in!

Get a hit, babe!

You know it, babe.

All right, move it back!
Move it back!

Peter, why do you
look so nervous?

I promised a kid
in the hospital I'd hit
a home run for him.

Sorry, I struck out looking.
Wait, you're not
the kid I promised.

No, he died last night.

Oh, phew.

All right, guys, one more out
and the game is ours.

Come on, Horace!
Strike him out!

Horace! You okay?

Oh, my God!
He's really hurt bad!

You're out of the base line,
by the way. You're out.
Game's over.

But, oh, my God,
Horace is really hurt.

He's dead.

Let him rest in peace.

Let's put some leaves on him
and go get some ice cream.

I can't believe Horace is dead.

I can't believe we left
Brian in the car
with the windows up.

I'm gonna pee!

Listen, I just feel
awful about this.

Horace was a good bartender
and a good guy.

I wish there was
something I could do.

Well, we know you didn't
mean it, Jerome. It's just
a terrible situation.

Like when you're
the only one
at the table

where the waiter
doesn't say, "Good order."

I'll have the halibut.
Ah, great choice.

One of the chef's specialties,
you'll love it.

It was caught fresh
less than ten miles from here.

I'll have the New York
strip steak.

Mmm. My absolute
favorite dish here.

It is a spectacular cut,
superbly seasoned

and the marbling is some
of the best I've ever seen.

And I'll have the chicken.

Mmm-hmm.

Good afternoon.

I'd just like to say
that before today,

I didn't know the Munsters
were driving around
in a funeral car.

I'm beginning to think
everything on that show
was a big joke.

I'd, um... I'd just like...

When you lose...

There's so... There's so...

There's so much...

I...

Thank you, Quagmire.

Perhaps there are some men
who would like to say
a few words.

Horace owned The Clam
for over 30 years.

During that time,
he touched all of our lives.

He was a great bartender
and a great friend.

And so let us take
a look back on his life

through this video
commemorating all the DUIs

that he was responsible for.

♪ I will remember you

♪ Will you remember me?

♪ Don't let your life

♪ Pass you by ♪

Ouch.

Is there a bathroom in here?

I've been yo-yoing a turd
for the last 20 minutes.

Oh, sorry. I was looking
for the bathroom.

I shouldn't have
left the door open. Sorry if
you're grossed out by this.

No. No, no, I'm just not used
to seeing corpses that big
and not in a toilet.

Here, let me help you with that.

There you go.
Now you're all set
for your big day.

Thanks. You know, I could use
some part-time help here

preparing the bodies,
if you're interested.

Really? Yeah,
that'd be great.

I could use the money,
and I'm getting kind
of tired of my old job.

Only
a half a point divides
our top two competitors

as we enter the last event,
the Meg Roll.

You think it's cool
to go drinking right after
Horace's funeral?

Of course. It's what
he would've wanted.
Listen, we all got to move on.

Like the Secret Service did
on November 23, 1963.

All right, guys,
I know that yesterday
was a rough one for us.

But it's with great pride
that I'm gonna turn
this zero into a one.

All right!

Nichols, you should
go home and change.

What the hell? Hey, pal,
what're you doing?
This is our bar.

Not anymore.

Horace owed more
than this place is worth,
so it's the bank's now.

I'm sorry,
but The Drunken Clam is
permanently closed.

Closed?

That was the start
of the dark times.

The banks took our bars,
our businesses
and then our homes.

A change had to be made.

A change only one man
could make.

I am the Windmaker,

and I shoot monkeys now.

We now return to
Joanie Loves Chris Brown.

Joanie! Chris!

Welcome to the party.
Can I offer you some punch?

No, thanks. I had
some in the car.

Joanie Loves
Chris Brown was taped

in front of a very
uncomfortable studio audience.

Man, it really sucks
they closed down The Clam.

Yeah, but I mean,
this is good, right?

I mean, as long as we
got a place to drink
and a restroom

for businessmen to have
homosexual encounters.

Hey, thanks for the sex.

Thank you for notarizing
those documents.

Peter, what's going
on down here?

Why are there beer bottles
all over the floor?

Well, we needed a new spot
to drink, Lois.

Forget it, Peter.

You're not turning our
living room into a bar.

Come on, Lois, we got
to have a place to drink.

Drinking is the only
thing holding this
friendship together.

Everything we try
to do sober
just ends badly.

I just don't think a good way
to start a screenplay is,

"400 years ago
in Bethesda, Maryland."

Yeah, and don't you
think it's confusing

that every character
in the movie is named
Movie Guy?

Come on, you guys,
the Oscars are next week,

so let's get this done.

Meg, I'm needed upstairs,
so I'll let you finish up.

Just put some blush
here and here.

It makes the eyes look
a little less dead and hollow.

Wow, that really works.
Hmm, maybe I'll try
that on myself.

Oh, uh, you have
what we call
a "closed casket face."

Hey, Meg, who's your date?
He looks like a real stiff.

Chris, what the hell
are you doing here?

I told you not to bother
me at work.

I got locked out of the house,
and I need your key.

No way! You get to work
with all these dead people?

Hey, look, this guy's
picking his nose.

Look, now he's eating it!

Chris! Knock it off!
You're gonna get me
in trouble!

Meg, they're dead.
Would you stop being
so uptight?

You're like one
of those Asian-Americans
who fought in Vietnam.

Ah!

Oh, it's just me.

Peter, I thought you
were taking us to a new
drinking spot.

What are we doing
at The Clam?
Look, guys,

we tried other bars,
we tried drinking at home,

we even tried the big
end-of-the-year
high school party

that will change everything.

If we don't lose our virginity
tonight, we're never gonna
make it in college!

Hey, where's Peter?

Only talking
to Amanda Small,
the hottest girl in school.

But aren't you going out
with JoAnne Fuller?

JoJo? No,
she's my neighbor.
I've known her forever.

She works
at her dad's garage.
She's practically a guy.

JoJo?

Hi, Peter.

But I thought you was workin'
on your garbage sculpture.

There was someone
I had to see first.

Sorry, Amanda.
By the law of '80s movies,

a newly transformed
tomboy supersedes
your long-standing hotness.

♪ And all I ever knew

♪ Only you ♪

Let's face it, there's only
one drinking spot for us,
and it's The Clam.

But, Peter, it's closed.
We can't go in there.

Quagmire, when a girl
says she doesn't want
to have sex with you,

do you take that as an answer?

My lawyer has advised me
not to answer that question.

Look, I bet you could squeeze
through that window.

It's not even locked.
And all the booze is
still in there.

Come on, guys,
this is trespassing
and it's against the law.

Maybe we should just
let The Clam go

and, I don't know,
spend more time
with our families.

Yeah, I tried that.

I just spent most of the time
testing Chris to see
if he's autistic.

Not overly affectionate.

Guys, this is where we belong.

Yeah, no question about that.

Yeah, we got roots here.

We've been coming
to this place for 15 years.

Our roots go back
further than that.

My grandfather used
to bring me here
when I was a kid.

And his grandfather
brought him here.

Good day, gentlemen!
Welcome to The Drunken Clam!

Can I get you boys
a mug of stout?

Why, certainly.

This is a bully establishment
you've got here.

The doors are
a little short,
but that's okay,

because we're smaller back now.

To The Clam!
Hear, hear!

And to brain-damaging
venereal disease.

I wake up with blood
on my penis pillow.

I'm gonna go insane
in a wheelchair,
staring at the sea.

This is everything
about... It's The Clam,
I love it.

I was just gonna...
That's exactly.

Hey, remember...
Remember when...

Remember when Quicktime here
passed out in this booth,

this booth, and we did stuff
to him that you do to ladies

and we promised
we'd never tell you.

What?

To The Clam!

Joe, you...
Your hair looks stupid.

All the greatest...

All the greatest moments
of my life, I spent right
here in this booth.

Maggie's first word.

Bart jumping that canyon.

Mr. Plow.

All the greatest moments
of my life.

Why is Label Guy trying
to punch me?

Punch you first, Label Guy.

I got to go pee.
I don't want to get up.

Joe, where's that thing?

Where's the thing?
Where's the catheter thing?

No, it's mine, it's private.

What happens if I blow
in this end?

Don't, I'll 'splode.

I'm gonna.

You do it better than Bonnie.

It takes a man to know
what a man likes.

Meg, the Dougan family called

and they now want Mr. Dougan
in a gray suit
for the wake tomorrow.

'Cause it so matters.

Could you change
his suit, please?
Sure.

I'll be back in a bit.

Oh, my God!

All right, Chris, where is it?

And don't try to act
like you don't know
what I'm talking about.

Fine, you caught me.

So I borrowed your bra.
My boobs hurt when I go
down the stairs!

No, not that, you idiot.
Where is the dead body?

I know you took it.

And don't lie,
or I'll tell
Jennifer Connelly

that you're the one who's been
mailing her those dog heads.

Yes, I'd like to mail
this to a whore.

Okay, fine, Meg!

I used the body to get me
into R-rated movies.

After that, I took him
swimming and he fell apart.

Chris, Mr. Dougan's
wake is tomorrow,

and there's going to be
a body in that casket.

If it's not his,
it's going to be yours.

Hey, guys, what's goin' on?

And no one says anything,
which means they hate it.

Oh, God.

I am so hung over.

Me, too.

But luckily, when
I'm hung over, I can just
molt into another Peter.

Wow, that's amazing.

Yeah, but for
the next ten minutes,

I'll be very vulnerable
to predators.

Mountain lion.
Make yourself look big!

What the hell?

There's a bunch
of bulldozers out there.

Hold it, hold it!
What's going on?

We're here to demolish
this building by order
of the bank.

Like hell you are!

What are you
talking about, Peter?

We ain't goin' nowhere.
This bar belongs to us.

Ice cream truck!

You didn't get any ice cream?

The ice cream man was handsome.

I got nervous.

We interrupt this program
for a Channel Five
breaking news report.

Three local men have
barricaded themselves
inside a Quahog bar

and are currently
in a standoff
with authorities.

We now go live to Joyce Kinney,

who attended her sister's
wedding last night.

Thanks, Tom.

One of the suspects has been
identified as Peter Griffin.

But the real story is, I'd be
married, too, if I were
willing to date a Persian.

Guys, they found him.
Don't bother with the posters.

My God, what is Peter thinking?

Yes, he's crazy
as a serial killer.

All right, what do you
want for your last meal?

I think I'll just
have a salad.
Dressing on the side.

I had a huge last lunch.

All right, listen up in there!

Let's not make this
any harder than it has to be.

We have a lot of dumb cops here.

Guys, this is crazy.
Plus, I'm a cop.
I can't be a part of this.

Come on, Joe, this is our bar.

It's where the three of us
made that suicide pact

that Quagmire and I are
gonna back out of
at the last minute.

I'm sorry, guys,
but it's my job.
I got a family to support.

That jerk!
How could he desert us?

Relax, Quagmire,
he's just doing his job.
You'll forgive him.

Just like Kathleen Turner
forgave her mirror.

Sorry. Turns out
you were right about me.

Officer, wait!
I'm his wife,
give me that bullhorn.

Peter, you get out
here right now,

or else I'm throwing away
all of your Mr. Potato Heads,
I swear.

It's okay, she only knows
where the decoys are.

Swanson, there you are.
Listen, you hang out
at this dump.

I want you to go in there
and end this thing.

I'll do my best, sir.

This is our bar.

It's the cornerstone
of our friendship.

Joe,
this is Tim Gunn.
I agree with your friend.

I got to get that guy
out of my head.

Look, they're sending Joe in.

All right, listen up, fellas.

Joe, wait, put your gun down.

There's no point
in fighting anymore.

We'll leave quietly.

Like hell you will.

This is our Clam,
and we are not gonna
let them take it.

Yay! All right!
All right! Yeah!

We love Joe!

Swanson, what the hell's
going on in here?

I'm sorry, Chief.

I just can't let them
bulldoze this building.

Hey, Joe, is this
the same chief whose
wife is a real hog?

Swanson, don't be a fool.

You really want
to throw away
your career on this?

Guys, your bar is gone.

And since it's bank property,

I have no choice
but to place you
all under arrest.

It ain't bank property no more.

Jerome? What are you
doing here?

Listen, it's kind of
all my fault this happened
in the first place.

I'm responsible
for Horace's death.

Plus, as a former athlete,
it's my responsibility

to invest my earnings
in a restaurant, bar,
or car dealership.

What sport did you play?

Lacrosse. Which is also
my brother's name.

Look, I felt bad about
what I did to Horace.

So, when I heard on the news
that they were
tearing down his bar,

I saw buying it as a way
to carry on Horace's legacy.

So I own the Clam now.

Chief, you can
call off your cops.

And you can send
those bulldozers home.

Yay, The Clam is saved!

Yeah! All right.

We pulled it off, guys.
Oh, thank God.

And all because I believed
in myself like Pop-Pop
always said.

Please give me rat poison,
I want only to die.

No, we did it, Pop-Pop.

Meg, the family is here
for Mr. Dougan's wake,

so could you please
bring in the body?

Meg, I'm not doing this.
You have to, Chris.

Siblings have to look out
for each other.
Like the Mannings.

Eli, you threw for
three touchdowns today,

which isn't bad,
except Peyton had four.

Well, Cooper got pre-approved
for a Visa card today.

Come on, guys,
we all had a good day.

Stop it.
I have an itch.

I don't care.
Dead people don't
scratch their balls.

Well, I can't help it.
It's these damn wool pants.

I'm going bananas.

If I can't scratch them,
you have to.

Shh!

Just straightening out
his pants a little.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

Don't give up if it
rolls away. You scratch it.
Scratch it.

Yeah, thank you.

Hello, I'm Helen Dougan.

My husband had filled out
an organ donor card

before he passed away,

and a woman just lost
her face in a freak accident.

Meg, though you cannot tell,
I am frowning.

Wow, Jerome,
the place looks great.

Yeah, look at you,
owning a bar. You guys are
doing pretty good.

First you get
to run Somalia, now this.

Well, it sure is good
to be back in the old Clam.

Hey, there's some guys
sitting in our booth.

Maybe we should tell them
it's our booth.

Uh-huh, or we could just sit
on the floor, next to these
garbage cans.