All language subtitles for Family Guy - S11E16 - 12 and a Half Angry Men (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Okay, I got one.
Who would you rather do?
Lois or Bonnie?

Well, Bonnie has
a moisture issue.

So does Lois.

Punch Lois in
the back of the head.

She just black out
or is there a chance
she might have a seizure?

I don't know.

Okay. I thought you
guys were married.

All units,
we've got a possible homicide

at Number One,
Mayor's Mansion lane.

My God.
That's the mayor's mansion.

Thank God
he's finally gone.
Here's your drugs, Peter.

We now return to Bottom Chef.

Daniel L., please
pack your fudge and go.

Fine!

We interrupt this
broadcast with breaking news.

An aide to Mayor Adam West

has been found
stabbed to death
at the mayor's mansion.

That's right, Tom.

Police say the victim was killed

by a knife
belonging to the mayor,

who is considered
the prime suspect
at this time.

Oh, my God.

Uncle Adam!

Uptown emergency.
Don't got to
finish my green beans.

Peter, you stay there
and finish those
green beans.

But my stomach's upset
on account of the news.

Also found in
the mayor's residence,

was a blackmail
note from the victim

threatening to
expose the mayor
in a corruption scandal

unless the victim was paid off.

You can put a picture of a note

above my shoulder
any time now, Tony.

No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade.

That's the Pumpkin Festival.

Okay, okay,
you think that
humiliates me?

I don't care.
Oscar De La Hoya
does it.

We now go live to
Tricia Takanawa,

who is outside
the mayor's mansion.

Tom, I'm standing outside
the mayor's mansion,

where, against
the wishes of his attorneys,

the mayor has agreed to an
impromptu press conference.

Mayor West!
Mayor West!

What do you know
about the murder?

Did you kill that man?

Yes, I'll take
a question from the reporter

from the
Quahog Elementary
School Gazette.

Timmy?

Are you afraid of the dark?

I thought we had
an understanding
that the dark was off limits.

This press conference is over.

This has been
Tricia Takanawa with the news.

And now I will have
my normal post-news review

from my mom in her car.

You no good! You no good
on news! You stiff,
like washing board!

Joan Lunden mother, so happy.
Tricia Takanawa mother,
so sad.

Wow, he really did it.

I always knew Mayor West
was a little crazy,

but I never thought he was
capable of
something like this.

The mayor's going to jail.
That means anything goes.

I pushed a lady.

God, I can already
hear the jokes

Jay Leno is gonna be
telling about our mayor.

Yeah, like what?
You know,

it's like you can
already hear them.

You know?
Like what?

Like exactly what
jokes do you hear?
Tell me one of the jokes.

Brian, all I have to do
is start fake sneezing
around you

and you'll spend the rest
of your life outside.

Yeah, yeah,
I can hear some
of the jokes.

Well, I guess you
just never know

what kind of rage
some people have
bottled up.

Well, we all got anger, Chris.

The important thing is
finding a healthy
way to channel it.

For me, as you know,
it's the family bath.

Peter, how long do
we have to sit here?

Until I'm not
angry anymore, you naked
bunch of bitches!

Everyone, please be seated.

We will now hear
the defense
attorney's closing statement.

I switched seats.

In closing, although
it seems pretty clear

that my client
committed this murder,

I would consider it
a personal favor to me
if you found him not guilty.

That's your closing argument?

Those karate lessons
are really paying off.
Thank you, Sensei.

Welcome.

He came.

Jurors, you have
now heard all the facts
of this case.

I remind you that
because we are a small town,

many of you may have ties
with the defendant
or the victim.

You must set aside
these personal connections

and render an impartial
and unanimous verdict.

Does anyone have any questions?

Yeah, is Toblerone
the fanciest
thing in the world?

I just don't understand.
How could Uncle Adam
do this?

He's the mayor of our town.

Well, Meg,
life isn't always
as simple

as what they
teach you at school.

I don't know, Mom.
I have a pretty
realistic Home Ec class.

Okay, kids. Now I'm gonna
take the casserole
out of the oven.

Okay, it's a little burned.
No reason to panic.

Oh, God, that's Daddy.
He's home early.

Let-Let's get
some spices in here
and fix this.

Okay, he's inside the house.
Let's hope his
meeting went well.

God, that meeting went awful!

Oh, boy.

What's that smell?
Did you burn dinner,
you stupid pig?

Okay,
kids, put your heads down.
Put your heads down.

And don't try to stand
between me and your father,

it'll just make it worse.

So I has been
asked by the judge
to be the foreman,

and I want y'all to know

that we's gonna run
a fair jury and a clean jury,

so I brought some wet naps
for everyone to
wipe off their areas.

'Cause one of us gets sick,
we's all gonna get sick.

And that may
lead to some of us
getting sicker than others.

Look, can we get this underway?

I mean, we were all
in that courtroom.

What is there to discuss?
It's obvious he did it.

Plus, I got to get
back to the station.

If I'm not there by 5:00,
Joyce will anchor the news,

and I don't think anyone
wants that to happen again.

Our top story. Guys, right?

Yes, it's open and shut.

Now let's just vote
him guilty and
get out of here.

Look,
I know everyone's
in a hurry,

but shouldn't we at least
go over the evidence once

before we vote, just to be fair?

You know what would shed
some light on the case?

If we huck water balloons
at people in the street.

They were carrying a trampoline.

Here's the facts.

There was a note
from the victim,

threatening to
expose the mayor
in a corruption scandal.

The murder weapon
was the mayor's own knife.

And finally, that lady

with the Peter
Gallagher eyebrows
on the witness stand,

saw the whole thing.

Okay,
let's get down
to business.

All in favor of "guilty,"
raise your hands.

Guilty.

All "guilty." Good.
Well, that's it,
let's get out of here.

Anyone for "not guilty"?

What the hell?

All right, looks like
we's gonna be here a while.

Who wants pizza for dinner?

And who wants
Purina Moist and
Meaty Dog Chow?

I had that for breakfast!

What do you mean
"not guilty"? What's wrong
with you?

Shoot, that was a stomachache.
I told that guy he had polio.

Look, the system
specifies the defendant

must be proven guilty
beyond a reasonable doubt.

Mayor West's life
is on the line here.

I'm just saying, it's
possible he didn't do it.

That's for the jury to decide.

Mayor West is crazy.
He should've

been locked up a long time ago.

Yeah, there's definitely
something off about him.

I'm his physician.

Okay, now we'll just
test those reflexes.

Hey, did you hear that?

There's someone out there.

- Hello?
- We're in here!

There are six of us!

Look, we all saw
that blackmail note.

Mayor West is
the only one with a motive.

I don't even know why
we're discussing it.

Well, was Mayor West
the only one with a motive?

I mean, there are
people who would benefit

if he were put away for murder.

Political rivals,
special interests.

I mean, it's possible
he could have been framed.

Enough!

Was a movie with Jennifer Lopez

that did not live
up to expectations.

Well, Mayor West did say
he never saw the letter.

And he was under oath.

Yeah, he lied.

Of course he lied,
he's a politician.
They're all liars.

Yeah! John F. Kennedy
swore he'd serve
a full four-year term.

Liar.

Look, we should be sticking
to the facts, not stereotypes.

It's unfair to say
that all politicians
are liars,

therefore Mayor West is guilty.

Brian's right.

I was a county alderman
once and I never
told no fibs.

I bent over
backwards and forwards
for them constituents.

It's important to
make sure everyone

is happy,
so I took a lot of polls.

Gay stuff.

Yeah, and I served honorably
as a U.N. interpreter.

Okay, he's mad about something.

He appears to be
talking really fast.

He spits whenever he
makes the "ch" noise,

which, in this language,
happens a lot.

I'm expected to entertain him
and his wife tonight,

so if anyone knows a good
restaurant in the area...

Sushi or tapas,

something where they're always
bringing stuff to the table

so you have
something to talk about.
You know?

"Hey, what's this?
This looks good..."

War, war, war!
That last
sentence was about war!

Look, an expert confirmed

that the blackmail note
was signed by the victim.

That points irrefutably to West.

Well, maybe we should
take a look at that letter.

Yeah, I'd like to see that.
'Cause I can read it
just like everybody else.

And the charade continues.

Bailiff, please.

Yeah?
Mr. Bailiff, we request
that you

bring us the note
from the victim.

Joe, what the hell
are you doing out there?
You're a cop, not a bailiff.

I'm undercover.
Someone's been
raping all the bailiffs.

So you're just
sitting around waiting
to be raped?

Hey, Bailiff, can I talk to you

for a second in
this broom closet?

Sure, strange man.
I can't wait to hear
what this is all about.

Well, there's your motive.

A note from the victim
threatening Mayor West.

What more proof do you want?

Yeah, are you trying to
suggest that
Mayor West's enemy

faked a corruption letter
and then killed himself?

That's idiotic!

But it just might work.

What?

You know, something bothered me

about the stationery
that note was on,

with the-the
decorative "M" border.

It's from
the office of the mayor.
The "M" is for "mayor."

What are you getting at?
No, no.

I'm pretty sure
the "M" is for "Marriott."

How do you know?

Because I once got
a note from the Marriott
written on the same paper.

"Dear Brian. You were
amazing last night.
Love, Ida."

This is from the night

you had sex with Quagmire's dad.

Come on!

I did a dog once,
but I was in
the Philippines,

and I sure as hell
didn't write him
a letter.

What? So what does
that prove?

The victim had access

to all the office-of-the-mayor
stationery he could ever want,

yet he hand-made a letterhead
on stationery from a Marriott?

As far as I'm concerned,
that casts doubt.

Look, you guys just say the word

and I'll put this
ball with cheese in it
on the floor.

We won't hear from him
for an hour and a half.

Look,
if I'm still the only one
who says "not guilty,"

I won't hold
things up any longer.

Let's vote again,
and I'll abstain.

If it's unanimous,
I'll change my vote
and we can all go home.

Okay,
everyone take one of these
here and write their vote.

Hey, Quagmire,
you gonna write
something funny?

No, Peter, I'm not.

I'm starting to
think all you do
is dick around.

Sorry.

Everyone vote?
Okay, now let's count.

"Guilty." "Guilty."

Some hurtful slurs
followed by the word "guilty."

"Guilty." "Guilty."

"El guilto."

"Guilty." "Guilty."

This one's just a squiggly line.

That's "guilty" in Latin.

You're playing
a dangerous game, Carl.

"Guilty."

"Not guilty."

Ew!

I farted during the murmuring.

What monumental douche
voted "not guilty"
on this no-brainer?

I think we know who
the flip-flopper is.

Bruce didn't change his vote.
I did.

I respect Brian's courage.

It's not easy to stand alone,
or find the child
who stands alone,

but that's the one you want.

I'd like to
change my vote.
Me, too.

I wanna change mine back then.

Me, too.

Great minds.

Look, we have been cooped up
in this room for
five hours now.

I'm starting to feel
like an animal in a cage.

Yeah, or a T. rex
trying to masturbate.

All right,
Internet porn, check.
Tissues, check.

Lotion, check. Okay, let's go.

Aw!

And that's why they were
such vicious killers.

♪ He couldn't masturbate
because his arms are too short

♪ They feared
him from Kilpatrick
down to Galway Bay Port

♪ Luckily he found a wife
so he could have sex

♪ The non-masturbatin'
Tyrannosaurus rex ♪

Okay,
look, tempers are starting
to get a little heated,

so why don't we all go take us
a little potty break?

Now you're all
gonna have to witness me

taking an old-man pill
that looks way too
big to swallow.

There we go.

It's his fault we're still here.

How is it you
think you know
everything anyway?

You don't even
understand your feelings
for the mailman.

You motherfucker,
get out of here
or I'll kill you!

But come back
tomorrow same time.

I get very sad on Sundays
when you're not here.

Hey, what the hell, man.

What?

You just made eye
contact with me through
the crack in the door,

like, for a long time.

Just seeing if
anyone was in there.

Yeah, but you knew that
after half a second,
but you kept looking.

You're gross.
You're a gross guy.

- Damn it.
- What happened?

I dropped my
phone in the toilet.

It's so cold and
it's under everything.

I feel like I'm
rooting around
a pitcher of sangria.

Where is it?
Oh, my God, why haven't
I found it yet?

Oh, no, I didn't roll
my sleeve up far enough.

Why didn't I flush
when I got in here?

This isn't even all mine!

Oh, no, there's a spider
crawling on my face.

Why
didn't I use the hand
that was on the floor?

Why did I use my toilet hand?

Wait,
here it is
behind the toilet.

This is ridiculous.

Even if you don't believe
the note was legitimate,

there was an eyewitness
who saw the entire thing.

Well, I have
questions about
her testimony.

She said she was at a party.
Not just any party,
a sex party.

Now, how could
a woman at an orgy
witness a murder?

The bedroom was 100 feet
from the window.

Okay, first of all,
the term "orgy" is outdated.

We call them,
"Genital jamborees."

But still, I don't see
how she could look out
a window and witness a crime.

Trust me, you're
banging eight strangers
who responded to a flyer,

at some point
you're gonna look
out a window

and question
every decision you've
ever made.

Look, I'll demonstrate.
You people come here.

Okay, Tom, you're
over here on all fours.

Carter,
I need your
face right here.

Nope, even closer.

You're gonna want to feel
the heat coming off him.

Okay, Consuela, I'm gonna
need you on your knees.

And we're probably
partway into it here,

so one of your
eyes is stuck shut.

All the way shut.
There are 11 of us, dear.

All right,
Tom, you're squinting.

You're anticipating.
Don't do that.

Carl, you can take
your fist out of
your own mouth.

Bruce, great work.

Bruce seems like
the only gamer here.

Thanks, it's okay
to look the other way

when y'all pass me on the street

with y'all's wives.
I understand.

And that places
the witness right here,

next to the lubricating station

and the terrible-smelling
guest book.

Would she be face up?

No, she had small breasts,
but a great ass.
She's definitely face down.

But then,
how could she see
the window?

Oh, my God. You're right.
She couldn't have.

And now to take my position.
This is what I
call "The Butter Pat".

Okay, y'all,
so we's now at six "guilty,"
six "not guilty."

So we's all gonna
have to stay here

until we's
unanimous in our verdict.

Well, so what if that woman
at the orgy couldn't see?

There's plenty
of other evidence
that West is guilty.

Yeah, let's wrap this up.
I got the director's cut

of Raiders of the Lost Ark
waiting for me at home.

Don't look, Marion.

Okay.

By the way, I'm pregnant.

Maybe just one quick peak.

Come on, people,
he obviously did it.

You know his type,
they're all guilty.

Well, what type is that?

He's one of those plain-lippies.

You know, no mustache
like a normal person.

Prancing around
with his naked lip out
for all the world to see.

Sir, you are
talking to a plain-lippy.

Now, don't take it like that.
Some of them are all right.

But you know what I mean,
they're all over the place.

How about me,
Tucker, am I all right?

Well, of course
you're all right.

Imagine that.

What happened to me?
I've become my father.

Not guilty.

That really hurt because
it was a real mustache.

Okay, the majority
of this room
now believes

that there is
reasonable doubt about
Mayor West's guilt.

And what do
the rest of you think?

I...

Look, I just don't
think he could've done it.

Guilty.

Guilty is the other one?
Well, I don't know!

Okay, it's good
we're talking this out.

Now I'd really like to hear
from the holdouts

because a man's
life hangs in the...

Peter, what are you doing?

It's getting very tense in here.

Do you guys mind
if I struggle to open
these blinds?

Damn it, come on, stay up there.

You got to yank it
to the side, Peter.

I'm yanking it
as far as it goes.

You got to
catch it on the thing.

That's helpful.

The left side's getting lower
than the right side.

I can see what's happening.

Now twist it.
All right.

See? Now it's open.

Okay, we's at 11 to one.

Carter, you're
the only person who
still thinks he's guilty.

You're damn right I do.
Look at the facts.

There was a dead guy found
in Mayor West's home.

There's no one
else with any motive.

And the police detective
who examined all the evidence

named him the prime suspect.

Pfft. You guys paid
attention that whole trial?
Lame. Not me.

I was too busy being cool.

The jury is
instructed to disregard
the witness' last remark.

Yeah, whatever, Judge.

None of this stuff's ever
gonna apply to my real life.

I'm just gonna go
work in the mines,
anyway, like my dad.

How would you like
to stay for an hour
after the trial?

I'm real scared.

Is your dad hitting you, Peter?

Shut up, just shut up!
You have no right, man!

You don't know nothing
about my side of town!

Look, he's guilty,
I just know it.

He's a double-dealing
spineless politician.

But how do you know he's guilty?

I know.

Mayor West has let people down.

Guys, I feel like
all we talk about
is Mayor West.

Like who, who has he let down?

Someone who got him elected.
Someone who padded
his expense account.

And all I wanted
was to fire a missile
into a fault line

to sink half of
Quahog into the ocean

and make my real
estate waterfront.

You got that from Superman.

Nobody likes you.

I even let him marry
my daughter Carol,
damn it.

I mean,
doesn't that
mean anything?

No, not to West,
that ungrateful bastard.

It wasn't that aide
that got stabbed in the back,

it was me!

Not guilty.

Well, I guess that's it.

Yeah, looks like
we've reached our verdict.

You know what
I just realized?
My jury duty's tomorrow.

Ladies and
gentlemen of Quahog,
I feel vindicated.

Today the truth has prevailed.

And we've witnessed
the power of the greatest

justice system in all the world.

Yes, Miss Takanawa.

Now that you've been acquitted,

what does the future hold
for Mayor Adam West?

I don't know.

♪ Into the great wide open

♪ Under them skies of blue

♪ Out in the great wide open

♪ A rebel without a clue ♪

I'll probably just remain
mayor of this great city.

This also is part of
my fantasy sequence.

I'll probably just remain
mayor of this great city.

And I know this
is real because
you're not rabbit-people.

What a day.

You both did
your civic duty and
you saved Mayor West.

Yeah, and you know,
I wasn't Facebook friends

with a lot of
those guys before,
but now I am.

God, Seamus has
listened to Mony Mony
on Spotify over 2,000 times.

Yeah, I mean,
it was a pretty
intense experience,

but the important
thing is, in the end,
justice was served.

All you did was let a guy go.
There's still
a murderer out there.

Yeah, but we saved
an innocent man today,

and that's something
to feel good about.

"Feel good about"?
They found eight
more bodies last night.

One of them was on this block.

There's a maniac out there.
He's cutting
people's power off,

breaking into their homes,
and slitting their throats.

And we're dead.