All language subtitles for Family Guy - S11E15 - Turban Cowboy (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

We now return to

Jeopardy! presents,
The Best of Contestant Banter.

So, Ben, it says here
you have a connection to milk.

Yes, funny story.
I discovered recently

that I have an allergy to milk.

So I guess
we won't be eating
any cheese around you.

And Dennis, you once spent
a night in a tent?

So, uh, what do you guys got
planned for the weekend?

I don't know.
I might sit out
in the front yard

with a rake and wave at cars.

Yeah, and I found
a hole in my fence

I was gonna maybe
stick stuff through.

God, look at us.
How'd we become so
dull and pathetic?

You're right. I mean,
we used to have hobbies.

Remember when I was
a horse whisperer?

Shh, shh, shh.

That's right.

I bet you're hungry.

It's okay.

That calmed you down,
you fucking horse.

Maybe it's time the three of us

do something exciting
to shake things up.

Hey, now that's
a good idea, Joe.

All right, okay,
I have two ideas.

One that I think is awesome,

and one that I think is stupid.

See if you can guess
which one is which.

We could either,
A, rob a Mafia poker game,

or, B, skydive.

Skydiving, huh?
I'd be totally up for that.

Yeah, I've always
wanted to try skydiving.

Really?
Eh, could be fun, I guess.

Besides, I haven't
done anything new

since I learned to
use a palm frond.

So do I try to match your speed?

Yeah, just match my speed.

And do we stagger
our waves or do 'em
at the same time?

Um, they should've
covered this
in orientation.

Guards,
have the new guy executed.

Am I the new guy?

Jumping out of an airplane.
I just don't get it.
What's the fascination?

Well, I think, Stewie,
it's about challenging
your own limits,

facing your fears
and saying, "No, not today.

"Today I hold
dominion over you."

"Facing your fears"?

Your tail curly-cues
into your buttock-hole

when someone knocks
on the front door.

That's 'cause it
could be anybody.

Chris, if I don't make it,
remember,

the most important
thing in life is

to stumble into
something you hate

and do it for 40 years.

Whatever, old man, I'm not you.

All right, we're almost
at our jumping altitude.

Does anyone have any questions?

Yeah, I got one.
Can I listen to my
iPod on the way down?

Of course. Just as long
as it's not Tom Petty's
Free Fallin'.

I'll just keep it in my pocket.

Any other questions?

Let's do this.

That wasn't a question.
Back of the line.

- Okay, let's do this.
- Hey.

Whoa, is that Harrison Ford?

Yeah. It said in
the brochure that he
assists with all the jumps.

Get off my plane.
Get off my plane.

Get off my plane.

Oh, look, he even brought
Calista Flockhart with him.

Uh, Peter, I think that's
just a piece of paper.

Good, 'cause she looked fat.

Get off my plane.
Get off my plane.
Get off my plane.

All right!
Yeah. This is amazing.

I know, it's unbelievable.

Hey, guys, let's try to
re-create this feeling

for the rest of our lives,
with drugs.

Oh, it looks like
it's almost time
for us to pull our cords.

Wait, wait, guys.
How about this?

Last one to open
their chute gets 20 bucks.

Okay.
I'm in.

Damn it.

I'm dead already, Peter.
You're looking at a dead man.

I might not even
pull the cord at all.

Holy crap, this is awesome.

I haven't felt a rush
like this since
I won that marathon.

I'm Bob Costas, here with
Boston Marathon
winner Peter Griffin.

Peter, how did you do it?

I'll tell you, Bob.
I just got in my car
and drove it.

And when there
was a guy in my way,
I killed him.

Kids, have you seen your father?

- Hello?
- Is dinner almost ready?

Yes, Peter.
God, where are you?
I can barely hear you.

Pull back my chair
ever so slightly.

Daddy's home.

All right, it's 4:59.

In just a few seconds,
all the unreturned

library books will
be officially late.

The wieners was already drawed
in the books when I got 'em.

"Libra. A strange man
will drop into your life."
Hmm.

"Pisces.
Be careful at work today."

Go, go, go, go, go...
Aw!

He so should've died.
This is bullcrap.

Stop smiling.
90% of the people
playing this are pooping.

Hey, Lois, when are you
gonna do the laundry?

I got, like,
six parachutes in there.

Peter, those things
are choking up
the washing machine.

So now I got you
a bad washing machine
for Christmas.

Little tip, Stewie,
love dies,
and that's okay.

I write down all his advice
in a little notebook.

Yesterday's was,
"I've never seen a pigeon die

"from eating food
on the ground,
so what's the big whoop?"

Peter, this skydiving
thing has gotta stop.

You've destroyed
half the neighborhood.

And I'm afraid you're
gonna really hurt yourself.

I'm sorry, Lois.
But skydiving
is who I am now.

It's like they say,
fish gotta swim,
birds gotta fly,

and gay guys gotta
criticize the host of
the party behind his back.

Oh, my God, look,
a bowl of M&M's.

What are we, six?
I know.

And remind me to get
the recipe for those
chopped-up hot dogs.

Oh, my God, Josh,
this party is so amazing.

Everything is perfect.
We're having so much fun.

Oh, thanks.
I'm so glad you
guys could make it.

Come on.
He saw us. Let's go.

First time?
Yeah. You?

No.
No, not my first time.

Thanks for the lift, Gil.
I think I'll take
the express down.

Ah!

Just as gorgeous as ever.

Actually puts me in the mind
to write a spoken word poem.

Am I falling or am I flying?

Am I living or am I dying?

O, Great Spirit,
free me from the bonds
of gravity and criticism.

Deliver me from
my greatest enemy.

His name is Peter.

More specifically,
Peter's Shyness In Public.

O, Great Spirit,
why do I hold
myself back in such a...

Oh, fuck!
The cock-sucking ground.

Damn it.

The Eiffel Tower?
Oh, cool, I'm in Paris.

Hey, look at
that douchebag who
got stabbed in the butt.

Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas.

Well, Peter,
I'm glad you're all right,

but I hope this is the end
of your skydiving career.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Lois.

You know, when I thought
I was gonna die,

I saw my whole life
flash before my eyes,

and we did way
too much Star Wars crap.

I should get the kids home.
It's way past dinner.

What she really means is
that it's shaky mommy's
white wine time.

Let's go, kids. Come on.
We really gotta go, kids.

Let's go. Come on.

Excuse me.
Now that your
family is gone,

would you mind if
we turn on the TV?

Oh, hey. I didn't know
anyone was here.

I, uh, was just kidding
when I told my family
I loved 'em.

I am Mahmoud.
I'm Peter.

You know, I never seen
a hat like that before,

so I'm very scared of it.

No, this is just a taqiyah.
It's a traditional
Muslim prayer cap.

Oh. Hey, you know who'd look
funny wearing one of those?

The Monopoly guy.

Correct.

Go directly to jail
and convert to Islam.

'Cause they do that.

Yes, that is what I intended.

Hey, you're all right, Mahmoud.

You, too, Peter.

So, what do you wanna watch?

Well, if you turn on Channel 14,

we can probably catch the end
of Muslim Looney Tunes.

As a pig, I am very dirty
and should not be
touched by humans.

So, how was the hospital, Peter?

Oh, my God,
that place was incredible.

They have this one jar,
whole thing was
full of cotton balls.

It's amazing how far
medical technology has come.

Well, sure is good
to have you back.

Joe is, uh,

chattier than
you'd think he'd be
when you're not here.

Look, I'm just saying
if pro is the opposite of con,

what is
the opposite of progress?
Think about it.

You know, I actually had
a pretty good time
in the hospital.

I even made a new friend.
You did?

Yeah, his name's Mahmoud.

In fact, I told him
to swing by if he had time.

It's congress.

Hello, Peter.
Oh, hey. You made it.

Hey, guys, this is Mahmoud.

Mahmoud, this is Brian,
Quagmire and Joe.

Hello.
Hi, there.

Hello. How are you?
Have a seat.

Any friend of Peter's
is a friend of ours.

Hey, Mahmoud, you know,
I'm actually glad you're here.

Settle an argument
we were having earlier.

Which Spanish chick
has better jugs.
Salma Hayek or the other one?

Oh, but I do not
pay attention
to such things.

I am married.
What?

Okay, well,
how about this, Mahmoud?

You know "progress" has
the word "pro" in it, right?

Shut up, Joe.

Hey, you guys, come on.
Let's get the man a drink.

What are you having?
How about a ginger ale?

But if you'll excuse me,
right now, I have to go

bring great shame to myself
by using the restroom.

Isn't he great?
No, he's weird.

Why'd he order a ginger ale?
And who the hell
doesn't look at jugs?

Yeah, and he's got
his cell phone
clipped to his belt

like he's some kind of
big shot on vacation.

Oh, I see what's going on.

You guys are uncomfortable
with Mahmoud
because he's Muslim.

What?
What are you talking about?

This is your
post-9/11 racism talking.

I, for one, think it's great

that Peter has
enough of an open mind
to have a Muslim friend.

You know, a lot of dogs
just sit outside,
tied to poles.

Look, Mahmoud's my friend, okay?

So he's Muslim.
Every culture has its quirks.

Italian guys talk
with their hands a lot,

Irish guys drink a lot,

black guys change their shirts
while they tell you a story.

So, how's Bernadette?
She's all right.

She's taking interior design
classes down at
the community college.

I mean, she's good at
haircutting and everything.

They gave her the chair
right by the door.

But, I guess, now she wants
to hang plates on
the wall or whatever.

And you know she
gained the weight back
from the Lap-Band, right?

That Bernadette and her pie.

You know it, brother.

Okay, I'm gonna go
eat this steak
in the bathroom.

Thanks for getting dinner, man.

Wow, this place is
really cool, Mahmoud.

It's like ear-bloodening sounds

had sex with
nose-bloodening smells
and this is their baby.

I am glad you are
enjoying yourself.

Would you like some
of my meat fooshnoosh?

It's a chicken that has
been yelled at for two hours

and then run over by a Mercedes.

Mmm! Mmm! Oh!

You can really taste
the fear in the chicken.

You know, Peter,

a lot of people are not
as accepting of Muslim
culture as you are.

Well, I think everything
about it is the best.

Like this hookah.

I mean, who doesn't want
to sit around a table
with a bunch of guys

and suck on the same thing?

How often does
this get cleaned?
Never.

And how old is it?
Eighty years.

Perfect.

Mmm, it's like smoking
my grandfather's jacket.

Man, I wish
I could stay here
all night, Mahmoud.

But I'm supposed to pick up
the dry cleaning
before it closes.

I killed a mouse
with my tie.
Nonsense.

I'll have my wife
pick it up for you.

What? She'd do that?

Oh, absolutely.

I need you to run an errand
for my friend, Peter.

Of course.
Anything for you, husband.

That was amazing.
She just listened to
everything you said.

Of course she listened.

In Muslim culture,
wives are much more obedient.

No way. That's awesome.

So wait,
let me get this straight.
Sweet hat, obedient wife,

and I get to shout,
"Admiral Akbar,"
when I do stuff?

You, sir,
have got yourself a Muslim.

Peter, where are you going?
And why are you
dressed like that?

Well, Lois,
I happen to be a Muslim now,

which means I'll be spending
a lot of my time in
mostly-empty cafes,

watching soccer
on an eight-inch
black-and-white TV.

Yes. The team
I like is kicking it.

Oh, no. The team
I don't like is kicking it.

Yes. The team I like
is kicking it again.

I will celebrate
with finger cymbals.

Hey, is that for real,

that "Diarrhea Only" sign
on your bathroom?

Peter, this is my friend Omar.

He can teach you many things
about our faith,
including how to ululate.

- What's that?
- It's this...

Oh, my God.
That's terrifying.

I don't know if
I'm ready for that.

No, Peter, it's okay.

Just sing
the beginning of La Bamba,

but don't say
the La Bamba part.
Oh, okay.

Yes, good job.
You're doing it.

Bamba!
Ooh, so close.

All right, Lois,
I'm off to the bazaar.

What do you mean?
You mean the market?

Yeah, the bazaar.

Well, if you're
going to the market,

can you pick up some cereal,
some butter,
and a loaf of bread?

I'll see what they have.

All right, Lois.
Here's six cobras,

a bolt of silk,
and a ram's horn.

Peter, what the hell?

Hey, can you help me
with the 20 paper bags
of dates I got in the car?

Why the hell would you
get 20 bags of dates?

The monkey in the little vest
who was selling them

happened to be very persuasive.

You know what? Fine.

I'm just gonna
assume this will pass,

like your everywhere-is-a-
racquetball-court phase.

So, Mike, now that you've
thoroughly kicked my butt
all over the court,

what do you say we
take one quick second

to talk about
the Wichita account?

And let me assure you,
my racquetball game

is no indication of how we do
business here at J.T. Stern.

Okay, zero serving zero.

I have to say, Peter,

I am impressed by how much
you have committed
yourself to Islam.

Are you kidding?
It's awesome.

I even started
wearing leather sandals
with way-too-long toenails.

See how the big ones
are getting yellow?

Ah, yes, very Muslim.

Listen, Peter,
some friends of mine and I
are getting together tonight

and we wanted to
invite you to join us.

O-M-A.

I am so there.
Whose crappy van
should we take?

Actually, we are meeting here.
Follow me.

Oh, hey, you guys.

Hey, is anyone gonna
object if I pick my nose
with a dagger?

Mahmoud, who is this man?
Why would you bring him here?

Do not worry. This is Peter.
He believes in our cause.

How can you be sure?

Give him the test.

Who is better?
Hulk Hogan or the Iron Sheik?

Um, the Iron Sheik?

Okay. He is one of us.

I told you.

Look at him,
he is the perfect man

to help us blow up
the Quahog Bridge.

Ah! Oh, my God.
Everybody down.

So are these toys just,
like, to take?

Hey, guys,
what football team
should I like?

Mahmoud says we all need to act

like we're fans of
American football

- so we seem less...
- "Buspicious."

What? What are you
talking about?

I'm talking about Mahmoud.

You know, I actually
feel really bad for him.

Did you know he knew 19 guys
who died on 9/11?

I mean, what are the odds?

Peter, I think you joined
a terrorist sleeper cell.

What? That's crazy.

Look, I'm gonna call
Mahmoud right now on this
cell phone he gave me.

He'll tell you.

Damn phone's busted.
Maybe I dialed wrong.

Peter, please stop
trying to call Mahmoud.

This is very serious.
Your friends are terrorists.
Think about it.

They're meeting in secret,
they're creating
cover stories...

Oh, my God, you're right.

See, I told you
Mahmoud was bad news.
Those guys are all bad news.

Hang on there, Quagmire.

Just because these
few guys are terrorists
doesn't mean all Muslims are.

Every ethnic group
has their nut-jobs.

We have the Unabomber,
Timothy McVeigh,

and even that fat guy
at the Atlanta Olympics

who didn't do it,
but he looked mean,
so we said he did.

Joe, you don't get to talk
about the regular Olympics.

Well, I gotta go
down there right now

and tell Mahmoud
we can't be friends anymore.

Wait a minute, Peter.

This could actually
be an opportunity.

You're already
in their group.
They trust you.

If you can find out
what they're planning next,

we might actually be able
to stop an act of terror.

You'd be a hero.

Well, I could try.

I mean,
I am a pretty good actor.

Remember how upset
I seemed to get

when Lois said
she was leaving town
with the kids for a few days?

Oh, my God,
I'm gonna miss
you guys so much.

Don't forget to call
and let me know exactly
when you'll be back.

Get out.

Okay, you're all set.

Remember, we'll be in the van
listening to everything,

so if anything goes wrong,
we'll pull you
right out of there.

Don't you worry, Joe.

I'll blend in
like an Australian
in a Jewish bakery.

Honey, would you
look at all these kikes.

Okay, before we get started,

I have an announcement
from headquarters.

"No more shorts."

And this isn't
coming from me,
this is management.

This is about me, isn't it?

They don't name names.
They just say,
"No more shorts," okay?

All right, this is our target.
The Quahog Bridge.

We loaded a van with explosives,

which we will
drive to the bridge...

Wait a minute.
Explosives?

Is this not improv class?
No.

Is this improv?
Are you doing improv?

No. Now get out that door.

The real door.

Yes, I have a question.
When exactly are we
doing the bombing?

The attack will happen
tomorrow during
afternoon rush hour.

And that's actually
where you come in, Peter.

In order to get past
the checkpoint
at the toll plaza,

we will need an American
behind the wheel

to arouse the least
amount of suspicion.

Sorry, can you repeat all that?

I just had an itch
right by my microphone.

Microphone?

He's wearing a wire.

Hey, Joe,
can I ask you a question?

Can you fart?
Oh, of course I can.

I've got a button
for it right here.

In fact I'm
supposed to press it
every six hours

to keep things
moving down there.

Aw, cool.

Hold on. Oh, no.

It sounds like they
found Peter's wire.

Change of plans.
The attack happens now.

Now drive.

Man, I never thought
it would end like this.

Why, what did you imagine?

Basically the same thing,
only Nathan Lane.

Now, drive!

Okay, you're good to go.

Pull over up here.

Please, Mahmoud, don't do this.

It is too late.
The job must be done.

Look, I know you're mad
at our government,

but you gotta realize,
that's only part of America.

We're the land of the free

and the home of the sunburned,
freckled fat guy.

A place where
Jenny McCarthy has a role

in the debate over
childhood vaccinations.

A country where you can
walk into any IHOP

and see black women fighting.

And where Ubu is
considered a good dog
even though he never sat.

We're the proud nation

where someone can
shoot up their entire
workplace with a thing,

and then the next day
nobody talks about
banning that thing.

It's the land that
lets people on Twitter

spell the word "their"
any way they want.

And where,
if you think you can dance,

that assertion will be
challenged and evaluated.

For we are America.

You will not convince me.
America must pay for its sins.

Hold it right there.

Mahmoud, you're under arrest.

Look, Joe, I drove a van.

Oh, Peter,
I'm so glad you're okay.

Oh, me too, Lois.
That was some
pretty rough stuff.

Oh...

You didn't cry, did you?

Well, I mean,
I went through an awful lot.

Peter, if you cried,
we are done.

Great job, Peter.

Thanks to you,
30 terrorists are behind bars,

and every
middle-class Arab in this town
is now under suspicion.

So what happens next?
Do those guys all get trials?

- Well, you know...
- It's a long...

It's the process, and whatever.

Well, what do you
guys say we all go
celebrate at The Clam?

That's a great idea.

Yeah, I think we
could all use a drink.

Tell you what,
let me call Horace

and tell him to
get our table ready.

Peter, did you just...

Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go,
let's go.