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♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:08,140
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:11,710
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,778 --> 00:00:14,713
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,781 --> 00:00:18,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:21,469
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,538 --> 00:00:23,088
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:25,006
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,075 --> 00:00:28,677
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,585 --> 00:00:37,264
Hey, Chris,
what do you got there?
11
00:00:37,288 --> 00:00:40,022
I made a birdhouse
at school today.
Oh.
12
00:00:40,090 --> 00:00:42,602
Looks an awful lot like
the Governor's mansion
from Benson.
13
00:00:42,626 --> 00:00:46,528
It is. I'm fond of the series,
and I wanted the local birds
to be aware of that.
14
00:00:46,613 --> 00:00:49,125
Well, I'll be on the lookout
for Great Tits.
Peter!
15
00:00:49,149 --> 00:00:51,061
Well, actually, Lois,
that's a species of bird
16
00:00:51,085 --> 00:00:53,196
that's known to frequent
domestic birdhouses.
17
00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:54,886
It's why I've always
wanted a birdhouse.
18
00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:57,567
Hey, Lois, let's go outside
and see if we can find
some Great Tits.
19
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,271
'Cause there certainly
ain't any in here!
20
00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:01,393
Remember those two
we saw last night?
21
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:03,128
One was bigger than the other.
22
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:06,142
Yeah, and the bigger one
had a hair sticking out
of that pointy thing.
23
00:01:06,166 --> 00:01:07,944
What do you call
that pointy thing, again?
24
00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:09,112
The beak?
Okay.
25
00:01:09,136 --> 00:01:10,402
Come on, Dad!
26
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:12,449
Maybe we can get the birds
to act out the Benson
27
00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:14,672
where a scheduling snafu
forces the governor
28
00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:18,443
to decide between meeting
the President or going
to Katie's school play!
29
00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:20,612
Scatterbrain governor.
30
00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:24,666
Well, there she is.
A birdhouse.
31
00:01:24,735 --> 00:01:28,287
I just hope whoever
moves in doesn't mind
the Persian birds next door.
32
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:32,056
Eh! Tweet, tweet.
Check out
my expensive fountain.
33
00:01:33,193 --> 00:01:34,543
Dad, look.
34
00:01:37,497 --> 00:01:40,749
You built a great
birdhouse, son.
I'm real proud of you.
35
00:01:40,817 --> 00:01:41,950
Thanks, Dad.
36
00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:48,023
No! What just happened?
What was that thing?
37
00:01:48,091 --> 00:01:50,091
I don't know.
Some kind of super bird.
38
00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,104
Or maybe an average bird
who bought a Bowflex.
39
00:01:52,128 --> 00:01:54,729
Well, that super bird
ruined everything!
40
00:01:54,798 --> 00:01:56,765
Indeed, a force to be
reckoned with,
41
00:01:56,833 --> 00:01:59,418
like Secretary
of Energy, Steven Chu.
42
00:01:59,486 --> 00:02:03,355
Secretary Chu,
Ways & Means has sent over
a preliminary budget.
43
00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:07,158
It looks like the Department
of Energy is looking at
a 4% budget cut.
44
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:12,164
Okay, no budget cut.
No budget cut.
45
00:02:15,753 --> 00:02:18,804
Has anyone seen your father?
It's almost 6:00.
46
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,205
I am here.
47
00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:23,108
Family, I want you to meet
my falcon, Xerxes.
48
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,509
I'm a falconer now.
49
00:02:24,577 --> 00:02:27,679
And yet, for Christmas,
I got a wrapped scrambled egg.
50
00:02:29,099 --> 00:02:30,977
Peter, that falcon looks
pretty dangerous.
51
00:02:31,001 --> 00:02:33,746
Yeah, Peter, get rid
of that thing right now
and eat your dinner.
52
00:02:33,770 --> 00:02:37,539
No! I am a falconer
and I will eat whatever
Xerxes brings me.
53
00:02:37,607 --> 00:02:39,341
Feed master.
54
00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:44,979
Peter, what the hell?
55
00:02:47,917 --> 00:02:50,702
For Xerxes, every meal
is a pageant.
56
00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:54,472
"I'll not meddle with it,
Xerxes.
57
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:56,842
"A man cannot steal,
but it accuseth him
58
00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:59,211
"A man cannot swear,
but it checks him
59
00:02:59,279 --> 00:03:00,890
"A man cannot lie
with his neighbor's..."
60
00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:02,592
Hey, Peter, what you got there?
61
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:05,194
Jesus, Quagmire, I'm trying
to do something fancy
with my falcon.
62
00:03:05,218 --> 00:03:07,419
Oh, falcon. Cool.
Hi, falcon.
63
00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:09,031
Whoa! Whoa!
Easy there, fella.
64
00:03:09,055 --> 00:03:11,322
Xerxes.
His name is Xerxes.
65
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,492
Uh, what does Xerxes eat?
Rodents.
66
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,361
- Now if you'll excuse me...
- What the hell?
67
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,096
Peter, make him stop!
68
00:03:18,164 --> 00:03:20,164
Hey, what do you got
going on down there, Quagmire?
69
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,934
You got a rodent situation?
No!
70
00:03:23,003 --> 00:03:24,523
Well, Xerxes seems
to think there is.
71
00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:26,816
Get him off, Peter!
Admit you got
a rodent in there.
72
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:27,884
Peter!
Admit it!
73
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,153
Oh, you scared him
out the front.
74
00:03:31,177 --> 00:03:32,326
Tony, come back!
75
00:03:38,251 --> 00:03:41,053
- Oh. What...
- What...
76
00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:42,848
What do I do?
What do I do?
77
00:03:42,872 --> 00:03:45,273
Well, just hope he's not
standing on your soft spot.
78
00:03:45,342 --> 00:03:46,741
Well, is that possible?
79
00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,330
Because that could
really mess up my...
80
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,432
Mom, I need money for lunch.
81
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:55,133
Oh, God. I'm sorry, Chris.
82
00:03:55,201 --> 00:03:58,670
My purse has
been missing for a day now.
I can't find it anywhere.
83
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,955
Not to worry, Lois.
Xerxes will find it.
84
00:04:01,024 --> 00:04:03,257
Xerxes, find Lois's purse.
85
00:04:07,097 --> 00:04:08,813
This is your purse now.
86
00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:11,816
Peter, I can't carry
my money in this.
87
00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:13,568
Yeah, her money.
88
00:04:15,305 --> 00:04:17,706
You're gonna love
the park, Xerxes.
89
00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:23,411
I think you know what I want.
90
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:28,795
This is awesome.
We should have
our own TV show.
91
00:05:02,452 --> 00:05:04,430
So what do you think about
a platonic shower?
92
00:05:07,157 --> 00:05:09,277
Are you Peter Griffin?
Yes, sir, I am.
93
00:05:09,325 --> 00:05:12,594
I represent the man
whose sidecar motorcycle
you stole yesterday.
94
00:05:12,663 --> 00:05:14,263
You've piqued my interest.
Go on.
95
00:05:14,297 --> 00:05:16,031
Unfortunately for you,
96
00:05:16,099 --> 00:05:19,868
that man is very, very Jewish
and is suing you
for everything you've got,
97
00:05:19,937 --> 00:05:21,269
including the falcon.
98
00:05:21,337 --> 00:05:23,154
No! Not Xerxes!
99
00:05:25,675 --> 00:05:27,020
You won't get away with this.
100
00:05:27,044 --> 00:05:29,510
Wait till American Airlines'
magazine hears about this!
101
00:05:31,381 --> 00:05:33,059
Hello. American
Airlines' magazine?
102
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,117
Have I got a scoop for you.
103
00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:38,019
"Falcon stolen."
104
00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:40,088
Ew! There's a toenail in this.
105
00:05:40,157 --> 00:05:41,818
Guess I'll just go
back to coughing.
106
00:05:51,284 --> 00:05:53,685
Now what are we gonna do?
We have no money.
107
00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:56,454
Oh, that's okay, Lois.
We got a wonderful family.
108
00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:59,391
No, we don't.
There's Meg and Dummy
and Big Head.
109
00:05:59,459 --> 00:06:02,171
Damn it, Peter.
I'm probably gonna
have to get a job.
110
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,028
Oh, thank God.
111
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:06,308
Thought I was gonna have
to go back to being on
Live! With Kelly and Peter.
112
00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:09,333
So exhausting
having to do that
open-mouth smile
113
00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:10,918
while the guest does their bit.
114
00:06:10,987 --> 00:06:13,816
We're here with
The Good Wife's
Christine Baranski.
115
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,807
So, Christine, you've actually
won an Emmy, is that right?
116
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:19,677
Yes, for playing
Maryann on Cybill.
117
00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:20,912
Ah!
118
00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:22,420
But my character on
The Good Wife
119
00:06:22,482 --> 00:06:25,283
is such a complete
departure from Maryann.
120
00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:26,518
Ah!
121
00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:28,920
You've also had quite
a stage career.
122
00:06:28,988 --> 00:06:30,733
I believe you won a Tony Award.
123
00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:32,357
Well, actually, I've won two.
124
00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:34,059
Ah!
125
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,377
And one more question,
darling. Who are you?
126
00:06:41,784 --> 00:06:44,752
Excuse me, would you mind
taking a look at my resume?
127
00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:46,587
I haven't had
an interview in a while,
128
00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:49,657
and I want to make sure
it's formatted correctly.
129
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:56,264
Looks okay.
Good. It's not too braggy?
130
00:06:57,684 --> 00:07:00,451
Hi, I'm sorry,
I couldn't help
but overhear you.
131
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,570
You have an amazing
speaking voice.
132
00:07:02,639 --> 00:07:03,838
My name's Randy.
133
00:07:03,907 --> 00:07:06,252
Oh, my God!
You're the guy
on the card!
134
00:07:06,276 --> 00:07:08,209
Yeah.
Give me a call.
135
00:07:08,278 --> 00:07:10,278
I can get you steady work
with a voice like that.
136
00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:13,114
Really?
Wow, thank you!
137
00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:14,383
This is great.
138
00:07:14,451 --> 00:07:17,251
Now I won't have to become
a Mary Kay saleswoman.
139
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:20,655
So, what makes these shampoos
different from the ones
at the supermarket?
140
00:07:20,724 --> 00:07:23,174
These shampoos
have been in my car.
141
00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:28,897
Guess what, everybody?
142
00:07:28,965 --> 00:07:31,099
Oh, my God!
Tampons and groceries?
143
00:07:31,167 --> 00:07:35,036
No... Well, yes, but also,
I got discovered today.
144
00:07:35,105 --> 00:07:37,283
I could be one of those
famous voiceover artists
145
00:07:37,307 --> 00:07:39,574
you hear on TV or in the movies.
146
00:07:39,642 --> 00:07:42,844
Ugh! Her doing voiceover?
Who wants to hear that?
147
00:07:42,913 --> 00:07:44,957
Maybe she could be
one of those annoying
voices that goes,
148
00:07:44,981 --> 00:07:47,248
"Uh, uh, uh.
Not that product."
149
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,529
Which of these
leading brands of canned soup
150
00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:51,669
has less than 100 grams
of sodium?
151
00:07:51,738 --> 00:07:52,937
Uh, uh, uh.
152
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:55,022
Keep going. Not that one.
153
00:07:55,091 --> 00:07:56,157
Uh, uh, uh.
154
00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:57,375
Not that one either.
155
00:07:57,443 --> 00:07:58,676
Uh, uh, uh.
156
00:07:58,745 --> 00:08:00,211
Nope, not that one.
157
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,181
Look, this isn't even for me.
It's for my homosexual lover.
158
00:08:03,249 --> 00:08:06,117
Uh, uh, uh.The Bible's pretty clearabout that.
159
00:08:09,773 --> 00:08:13,241
Hi, I'm Lois Griffin.
I have an appointment
to see Randy.
160
00:08:13,309 --> 00:08:15,910
Lois, I'm so glad you
decided to try this.
161
00:08:15,979 --> 00:08:18,024
I can't believe
I'm a celebrity now.
162
00:08:18,048 --> 00:08:21,783
I might hit someone
with my car on the way home
just for kicks.
163
00:08:21,852 --> 00:08:25,136
Well, I have a feeling
you're gonna be
a big star here.
164
00:08:27,441 --> 00:08:29,051
What am I wearing?
165
00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:31,275
Nothing at all, sweetheart.
166
00:08:31,328 --> 00:08:32,794
Wait a minute.
167
00:08:32,862 --> 00:08:36,698
This isn't voiceover.
This is a phone sex operation.
168
00:08:36,767 --> 00:08:38,166
I can't do this.
169
00:08:38,234 --> 00:08:39,945
It pays two grand
a week, sweetie.
170
00:08:39,969 --> 00:08:41,670
Oh, my God.
171
00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:45,323
With that type of money,
I could buy pots and pans
at Williams-Sonoma.
172
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:48,292
This is a very nice set.
You must be a phone whore.
173
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:50,578
You bet your sweet ass I am.
174
00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:01,617
All right, Lois,
you know the drill.
175
00:09:01,641 --> 00:09:05,043
And whatever you do,
do not mention computers
or the Internet.
176
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:07,190
They cannot know about it.
177
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:10,048
Oh, dear.
178
00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:11,716
Oh, boy.
179
00:09:13,769 --> 00:09:15,103
Hello?
180
00:09:15,171 --> 00:09:16,770
Hi there...
181
00:09:16,839 --> 00:09:19,073
Sexy.
182
00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:20,819
I can tell you're good at this.
183
00:09:20,843 --> 00:09:23,189
Listen, I want
to double-team you
on the phone with my son.
184
00:09:23,213 --> 00:09:24,312
Oh.
185
00:09:24,381 --> 00:09:26,425
Yeah, the family's kind
of falling apart,
186
00:09:26,449 --> 00:09:30,918
and I'm just a dad trying
to keep it all together.
187
00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,286
I see.
188
00:09:32,355 --> 00:09:34,800
Are you into guys
in wheelchairs?
Not really.
189
00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:38,960
Oh, that's too bad,
'cause my son's
in a wheelchair.
190
00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:46,267
Hey, Lois. So, how was
your first day of voiceover?
191
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:47,902
It was nothing.
192
00:09:47,971 --> 00:09:51,239
Turns out, I'm just
doing very obscure
European commercials.
193
00:09:51,307 --> 00:09:52,673
Nothing you'll ever see.
194
00:09:52,742 --> 00:09:54,703
You know, I have got to
get myself back out there.
195
00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:57,556
I haven't worked ever
since I said a swear
word on the air.
196
00:09:57,580 --> 00:10:00,848
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
197
00:10:00,917 --> 00:10:02,261
♪ All the things
that make us ♪
198
00:10:02,285 --> 00:10:04,418
Suck my cock, motherfucker!
199
00:10:09,208 --> 00:10:12,443
Hi, my name's Classy.
200
00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:14,512
What can I do for you,
hot stuff?
201
00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:17,782
Oh, hi, Classy.
You sound very classy.
202
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:21,819
Listen, do you have
a wallet or a purse?
Uh, I have a purse.
203
00:10:21,888 --> 00:10:23,621
Oh! Oh, baby.
204
00:10:23,690 --> 00:10:27,558
I want you to take
the money out
and count it really slowly.
205
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:28,726
Okay.
206
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,261
One.
207
00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:31,373
Ooh! That's nice.
208
00:10:31,397 --> 00:10:32,463
Two.
209
00:10:32,532 --> 00:10:34,431
Oh! Oh, my.
210
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:37,669
Three.
Oh, God!
Okay, slow down a bit.
211
00:10:37,737 --> 00:10:39,715
I'm sorry,
the next bill I have
in here is a ten.
212
00:10:39,739 --> 00:10:40,805
Oh!
213
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:43,425
Oh, I love you!
All that and everything.
214
00:10:45,161 --> 00:10:47,061
Hi, I'm Classy.
215
00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:49,074
All right,
let's get this going,
sweet cheeks.
216
00:10:49,098 --> 00:10:51,599
You got a handkerchief?
Uh... Yeah.
217
00:10:51,668 --> 00:10:54,268
Good, ball that up
and stick it in your mouth.
218
00:10:54,337 --> 00:10:55,537
Okay.
219
00:10:55,605 --> 00:10:57,450
Now, what else you got there?
You got a stapler?
220
00:10:57,474 --> 00:10:58,506
Uh-huh.
221
00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,174
Yeah.
222
00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:02,789
Okay, why don't you
go ahead and stick that
in your mouth, too.
223
00:11:04,180 --> 00:11:06,347
How about a mouse pad?
Uh-huh.
224
00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:10,452
Yeah, go ahead
and roll that up
and stuff it in there.
225
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,560
Did you get a packet
from HR when you started
working there?
226
00:11:13,657 --> 00:11:14,689
Mmm-hmm.
227
00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:16,135
Okay, I'll take that as a yes.
228
00:11:16,159 --> 00:11:19,338
And I'm pretty certain
you know what I want
you to do with it.
229
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:23,543
Okay, you think you can fit
anything else in your mouth?
230
00:11:23,567 --> 00:11:24,866
Uh-uh.
231
00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:28,175
All right, so now
let's start filling up
some other places.
232
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:38,963
Peter, I've had
a long day at work,
233
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,799
and right now,
sex is the last thing
I want to think about.
234
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:44,513
What the hell, Lois?
You never want
to do it no more.
235
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:48,072
What if I told you
I'm holding
in a very big dump?
236
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:50,875
Peter, can't you just
use Sock Lois tonight?
237
00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:54,461
No! Sock Lois
doesn't feel authentic
to me anymore.
238
00:11:59,653 --> 00:12:02,020
Hey, Joe, how often
do you have sex with Bonnie?
239
00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:05,056
Well, my HMO only pays
for the equipment once a year.
240
00:12:05,124 --> 00:12:06,624
Why?
241
00:12:06,693 --> 00:12:09,293
Lois barely wants
to do it no more.
I'm going crazy here.
242
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:10,645
Ugh, I hear you.
243
00:12:10,714 --> 00:12:13,781
Hey, Quagmire, do yourself
a favor. Don't get married.
244
00:12:13,850 --> 00:12:16,551
I wasn't gonna.
Good. Don't.
245
00:12:16,620 --> 00:12:19,153
I wasn't.
Perfect. Don't.
246
00:12:19,222 --> 00:12:21,689
Joe, you telling me
not to has no effect
on me whatsoever.
247
00:12:21,758 --> 00:12:24,792
I'm not gonna get married.
Great. Don't.
248
00:12:24,861 --> 00:12:27,294
I mean it, you guys,
this no-sex thing
doesn't work.
249
00:12:27,363 --> 00:12:28,630
I need some kind of outlet.
250
00:12:28,698 --> 00:12:30,626
You know, Peter,
I got just
the thing for you.
251
00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:33,985
There's this new phone sex
chick I been calling,
and she is amazing.
252
00:12:34,053 --> 00:12:36,554
Gee, I don't know.
Isn't that cheating
on Lois?
253
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:40,492
No, look, it's over the phone.
It's like they say,
"Phonin' ain't bonin'."
254
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,860
Yeah. Well, I guess
I could try it.
255
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,662
Trust me, Peter.
256
00:12:44,731 --> 00:12:47,891
Hey, I was right about
telling you to go see
the gynecologist, wasn't I?
257
00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:51,069
I'd like to see
some vaginas, please.
258
00:12:51,137 --> 00:12:53,504
That's what we're here for.
Come on in.
259
00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:09,487
Hello there,
handsome. I'm Classy.
260
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:13,191
Um... Hi, Classy,
I'm, uh, Peter.
261
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:15,627
Peter Night Shyamalan.
262
00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:18,774
They call me that 'cause
I got a big twist
at the end of my thing.
263
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,298
Oh, my God.
264
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,167
Um...
265
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,302
Well, hello, Peter.
266
00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:26,671
What can I do for you?
Um...
267
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:29,318
You want to see some
pictures that I drew?
Um...
268
00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:30,342
Sure.
269
00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:32,087
This is me on an elephant.
270
00:13:32,111 --> 00:13:36,147
Wow. That's beautiful.
Did you draw that
all by yourself?
271
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,616
Uh-huh. And this is me
on the Moon.
272
00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:39,984
I didn't really go there.
273
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:42,798
It was just in
my imagination,
so I drawed it.
274
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,323
Wow! You're
really talented.
275
00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:48,137
You know,
there's something
about you, Classy.
276
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,205
Something special.
277
00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:51,262
Oh, that's very sweet.
278
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,531
I like your voice.
279
00:13:52,566 --> 00:13:54,743
It makes me want to
hear more of your voice.
280
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:57,568
Hey, you want to see
a funny comic?
Sure.
281
00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:12,350
He's scared
'cause his friends got
killed in the pie.
282
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:20,791
So, Peter, how was your day?
283
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,126
Ah, it was okay.
284
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,762
Except for that Yokohama
beef bowl I tried for lunch.
285
00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:26,030
Not sitting so well.
286
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:27,598
Just "okay"?
287
00:14:27,666 --> 00:14:30,334
Didn't try anything new today?
288
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:33,137
Talk to anyone
interesting?
No, not really.
289
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,273
Oh, that beef bowl is
wrecking me.
290
00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:38,741
My stomach feels
like that time I had
explosive diarrhea.
291
00:14:42,531 --> 00:14:43,581
Brown house.
292
00:14:48,003 --> 00:14:49,003
Hello?
293
00:14:49,071 --> 00:14:51,706
Um, hi, Classy.
It's Peter.
294
00:14:51,774 --> 00:14:53,140
Oh, hi there.
295
00:14:53,209 --> 00:14:55,108
I love when you talk.
296
00:14:55,177 --> 00:14:59,213
Listen, um, I've had
such a good time talking
to you these past few times
297
00:14:59,281 --> 00:15:01,627
that I was thinking
maybe we could meet.
298
00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:04,452
But you're married!
You've got a wife!
299
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:06,665
Yeah, but she's
been giving me
the cold shoulder lately.
300
00:15:06,689 --> 00:15:09,368
Besides, anything that
comes out, I can always
take home to her.
301
00:15:09,392 --> 00:15:11,312
I don't think
this is a good idea.
302
00:15:11,361 --> 00:15:14,895
I mean, cheating on your wife
is a very serious thing.
303
00:15:14,964 --> 00:15:17,465
You don't understand.
I have to meet you.
304
00:15:17,533 --> 00:15:21,369
I know it seems sudden,
but I feel a special
connection with you.
305
00:15:21,437 --> 00:15:23,949
Look, you name the place
and the time,
and I'll be there.
306
00:15:23,973 --> 00:15:27,107
You son of a bitch!
307
00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:29,627
Okay. I'll meet you.
308
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:31,062
Yay! I did it!
309
00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:32,714
Thanks, Fairy God Peter!
310
00:15:32,782 --> 00:15:35,850
Peter, the power was
within you all along.
311
00:15:35,919 --> 00:15:39,286
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm meeting Fairy God Quagmire
and Fairy God Joe
312
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:40,788
down at the Fairy God Clam.
313
00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:43,240
That sounds like a gay bar.
It is a gay bar.
314
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,715
That's right, fellas,
I'm gonna meet her.
315
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,762
Meet who?
Yeah, what are you
talking about?
316
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,354
Oh, I thought we were starting
in the middle to save time.
317
00:15:56,422 --> 00:15:57,622
The phone sex lady.
318
00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:59,557
I'm gonna meet
the phone sex lady in person.
319
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,892
Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute,
Peter. I wouldn't do that.
320
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,306
Hang on, Quagmire,
that's a bad idea.
321
00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:07,531
You never want
to meet those phone sex
women in person.
322
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,511
Yeah, I know, that's what
I said. I wouldn't do it.
323
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:11,335
Good. Don't.
324
00:16:11,403 --> 00:16:15,072
Joe, Joe, you realize what
you're telling me not to do,
I'm already not doing!
325
00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:17,742
Okay, I know you should never
meet a phone sex operator.
326
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:19,143
All right? I'm not an idiot.
327
00:16:19,211 --> 00:16:21,051
I would never meet one
of those people, ever.
328
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,613
Good. Don't.
329
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:26,416
Guys, I have to see if
she's as special in person
as she is on the phone.
330
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:27,925
Besides, if I listened
to you guys,
331
00:16:27,954 --> 00:16:30,371
I never would've got that job
as a seat filler for fetuses.
332
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,524
Okay, let's take a look
at your baby, shall we?
333
00:16:35,761 --> 00:16:37,961
Hi. He'll be right back.
He's in the bathroom.
334
00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:44,819
Thanks for having me, Bonnie.
I just needed
someone to talk to.
335
00:16:44,887 --> 00:16:46,865
Sure, Lois.
What's on your mind?
336
00:16:46,889 --> 00:16:49,490
Well, it's kind
of a long story. You see...
337
00:16:49,558 --> 00:16:52,276
Eight fucking hours later...
338
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,011
Oh, my God!
339
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:57,147
So, as far as Peter knows,
he's about to cheat on you?
340
00:16:57,216 --> 00:17:00,284
Lois, you got to draw
the line here.
I know.
341
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:03,020
There's a lot of crazy things
I'll let Peter get away with.
342
00:17:03,089 --> 00:17:06,107
I even held my tongue
when he went through
that anime phase.
343
00:17:06,176 --> 00:17:08,887
Hey, Lois,
me make drive time
to super fun Clam
344
00:17:08,911 --> 00:17:11,156
with noble Quagmire
and wheel-monster Joe.
345
00:17:11,180 --> 00:17:13,280
Go force!
346
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:28,045
Peter, what...
347
00:17:28,114 --> 00:17:30,681
Why are you dressed like that?
What did you do to your hair?
348
00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:33,351
Business trip, Lois.
Going to Chicago City.
What?
349
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:36,771
Yeah, those jokers just called
and said I had to go on
a last-minute business trip.
350
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:39,357
What jokers?
What are you talking about?
351
00:17:39,425 --> 00:17:42,326
The guys down
at Corporate Briefcase.
Oh.
352
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,195
Okay. I see.
353
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:47,464
And in case you're
wondering why I don't have
business charts, yes, I do.
354
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:52,669
All right, I got to say
goodbye to the kids.
355
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:55,284
Hey, champ.
I want you to have
this pocket watch.
356
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:59,510
It still works, even though
it's got a lot of Civil War
brains all over it.
357
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:02,813
Meg, I want you to have
this sad-sounding fart.
358
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:09,953
Chris, people are gonna
tell you that you're stupid
and that you're no good.
359
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:12,840
Bye, Otis!
360
00:18:22,785 --> 00:18:25,519
That son of a bitch.
361
00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:33,310
Hello.
362
00:18:33,379 --> 00:18:34,579
You're...
363
00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:35,913
You're beautiful.
364
00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:39,583
So you got to meet me.
Are we gonna do
this or what?
365
00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:42,636
Listen, I...
I got to be honest
with you.
366
00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:45,539
I am not, in fact,
the president of Hot Wheels.
367
00:18:45,608 --> 00:18:48,975
And I also lied about
the giant chef's hat.
I do not have one.
368
00:18:49,044 --> 00:18:50,121
Mmm-hmm.
369
00:18:50,145 --> 00:18:52,023
Well, the small lies
don't matter.
370
00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:53,314
Let's go.
371
00:18:54,650 --> 00:18:56,950
Why am I doing this?
372
00:18:57,019 --> 00:18:59,086
You know, I got the greatest
wife in the world,
373
00:18:59,154 --> 00:19:01,255
and we have one beautiful child.
374
00:19:01,324 --> 00:19:04,057
But did you ever feel like
something was missing?
375
00:19:04,126 --> 00:19:06,827
You know,
something you had once,
but now it's gone?
376
00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:09,730
You mean like the loyalty
of someone you trusted?
377
00:19:09,799 --> 00:19:12,433
Yes, I know exactly
what that feels like.
378
00:19:12,501 --> 00:19:15,937
Yeah, I mean, I was just
goofing around when
I first called you,
379
00:19:16,005 --> 00:19:20,808
but when I heard your voice,
I felt like I found some part
of me that was lost.
380
00:19:20,877 --> 00:19:22,443
Doesn't make any sense,
381
00:19:22,511 --> 00:19:25,679
but it felt like some force
in the universe wanted
us together.
382
00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:28,516
That's kind of nice.
383
00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:30,479
I guess I could understand that.
384
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,536
Now that you're here
in front of me,
385
00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:35,155
I think you're the most
beautiful woman
I've ever seen.
386
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,636
Eight fucking hours later...
387
00:19:52,007 --> 00:19:55,809
Oh, I got to say,
I was fantastic.
388
00:19:55,878 --> 00:19:58,945
You think so, you dirty,
rotten cheater?
389
00:19:59,014 --> 00:20:00,681
Lois!
390
00:20:00,750 --> 00:20:02,383
You is the phone lady.
391
00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:04,184
You the phone...
You the phone...
392
00:20:04,253 --> 00:20:06,298
You is the phone lady...
You is the phone lady...
You is the phone lady...
393
00:20:06,322 --> 00:20:07,688
You cheated on me!
394
00:20:07,757 --> 00:20:10,223
Lois!
Why the hell were
you doing phone sex?
395
00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:13,360
I was providing
for our family.
You were lying.
396
00:20:13,429 --> 00:20:15,862
I'm starting to think
that whole Chicago City
business trip
397
00:20:15,931 --> 00:20:17,108
was just a bunch of baloney!
398
00:20:17,132 --> 00:20:18,932
That's not the point!
399
00:20:19,001 --> 00:20:22,403
Well, if you think about it,
I wasn't really cheating
'cause it was with you.
400
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:24,082
Well, you didn't know that!
401
00:20:24,106 --> 00:20:25,972
Yeah, but you know what?
402
00:20:26,041 --> 00:20:28,125
In some way, I think I did.
403
00:20:28,194 --> 00:20:31,562
You know, when I heard
your voice on that phone,
I felt something.
404
00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:33,331
It was like an instinct,
you know?
405
00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:36,968
Both my heart and my wiener
somehow knew you
were my soul mate.
406
00:20:37,636 --> 00:20:39,270
Well...
407
00:20:39,338 --> 00:20:41,889
I suppose you did fall
for me pretty hard.
408
00:20:41,957 --> 00:20:45,692
Don't you see, Lois?
I fell in love with
you all over again.
409
00:20:45,761 --> 00:20:48,695
And, look, now we just
had the best sex in years
because of it.
410
00:20:48,764 --> 00:20:50,997
I know.
It's like our privates
411
00:20:51,066 --> 00:20:54,501
were shaking hands after
a successful business
meeting in a swamp.
412
00:20:54,570 --> 00:20:58,839
To me it just proves
that we're truly meant
to be together.
413
00:20:58,908 --> 00:21:00,090
Oh...
414
00:21:00,159 --> 00:21:04,061
I love you, Peter.
I love you, too, Lois.
415
00:21:05,631 --> 00:21:07,731
Mmm...
416
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,845
By the way, you may have to
become a full-on prostitute,
417
00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:12,436
'cause our phone bill
was $7,000.
418
00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:18,225
Oh, Peter!
419
00:21:18,293 --> 00:21:21,573
I want you to do me
so hard that we have
to change churches.
420
00:21:21,597 --> 00:21:23,530
Gross!
421
00:21:23,599 --> 00:21:27,167
I want to wreck you so bad,
you'll look like
an exploded Hot Pocket.
422
00:21:27,236 --> 00:21:28,769
Oh, my God!
423
00:21:31,173 --> 00:21:33,724
Can I interest you guys
in a two-and-a-quarter way?
33281
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