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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,240
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:11,676
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,745 --> 00:00:14,946
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,016 --> 00:00:18,183
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:21,569
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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00:00:21,638 --> 00:00:23,154
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:24,890
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:29,744
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:38,105 --> 00:00:40,939
♪ Everyone has fingernails
And everyone wants cash
11
00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:45,544
♪ So send us allyour fingernailsAnd we'll send you some cash
12
00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:49,247
♪ Fingernails4cash.com
Fingernails for cash
13
00:00:49,316 --> 00:00:53,902
♪ Remember it'sjust fingernailsSo don't expect much cash
14
00:00:53,971 --> 00:00:57,739
♪ Fingernails4cash.com
Our service never fails
15
00:00:57,808 --> 00:00:59,908
♪ Just take the cash
And don't ask why
16
00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:01,877
♪ We want your fingernails
17
00:01:01,946 --> 00:01:06,048
♪ 'Cause we might be building
a fort with them ♪
18
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,412
Here you go, fellas.
Thanks, Horace.
19
00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:14,880
Oh, here, let me
get this one, Peter.
20
00:01:16,259 --> 00:01:18,070
Geez, what the hell kind of
stupid wallet is that, Joe?
21
00:01:18,094 --> 00:01:20,595
Ugh. Bonnie's
making wallets now.
22
00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:24,399
Look, she's gonna ask
you guys to buy one.
I'll just give you the money.
23
00:01:24,468 --> 00:01:27,547
Just don't throw it out
within five miles
of where we live.
24
00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:30,784
Hey, why do you have
a Harvard dining hall I.D.?
25
00:01:30,808 --> 00:01:32,652
I pulled over
some punk Harvard kid
26
00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:35,227
who gave me a bunch of lip,
so I took his I.D.
27
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:37,929
Man, I bet they got fancy food
up there at Harvard.
28
00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:39,864
Like them turkeys
with paper shoes.
29
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,733
Or pigs with apples
in their mouths.
30
00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:44,147
Or them lambs
what ain't never seen
the light before.
31
00:01:44,171 --> 00:01:46,238
Oh, yeah, I love
eating food that's sad.
32
00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:47,684
Hey, you know,
we should drive up there
33
00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,308
and use that card
to eat for free.
34
00:01:49,376 --> 00:01:51,876
That's a great idea!
Let's go to Harvard!
35
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,144
Oh, I don't know, you guys.
36
00:01:53,213 --> 00:01:55,481
We'll be as out of place there
as a black guy in Sweden.
37
00:01:56,767 --> 00:01:58,534
Ooh!
38
00:02:17,754 --> 00:02:20,655
Wow, so this is it.
Harvard University.
39
00:02:20,724 --> 00:02:24,376
The alma mater of Fred Grandy,
Amy Brenneman
and Ted Kaczynski.
40
00:02:24,444 --> 00:02:26,678
Are we sure this is
the way to the dining hall?
41
00:02:26,746 --> 00:02:28,491
Oh, I'm sorry,
are your feet getting tired?
42
00:02:28,515 --> 00:02:31,516
God, I'd love to be able
to wheel around
in a toy all day.
43
00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:34,586
Ah, this is it, you guys.
The Harvard Dining Hall.
44
00:02:42,296 --> 00:02:44,829
Holy crap!
This place is amazing!
45
00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:47,032
And just think,
this is where Helen Keller
46
00:02:47,101 --> 00:02:48,900
used to eat when she went here.
47
00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:51,469
Tonight, I want to go out
and just get wasted.
48
00:02:51,538 --> 00:02:53,249
And not one of
these campus bars.
49
00:02:53,273 --> 00:02:54,951
I want to get wrecked
by a townie.
50
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:56,574
Helen, you're outrageous.
51
00:02:56,643 --> 00:02:58,988
I can't believe you're
getting away with this.
52
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,257
I've been
getting away with this
since I was seven.
53
00:03:01,281 --> 00:03:03,548
Believe me,
I know what I'm doing.
54
00:03:03,616 --> 00:03:05,783
Good morning, girls. Helen.
55
00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:14,075
No freaking way.
56
00:03:14,144 --> 00:03:17,179
They have
breakfast for dinner.
Lois never lets me do that!
57
00:03:20,517 --> 00:03:22,984
Lois, do you have any idea
what I'm looking at right now?
58
00:03:23,052 --> 00:03:24,897
Peter,
we're not doing this again.
59
00:03:24,921 --> 00:03:26,120
I am at Harvard,
60
00:03:26,189 --> 00:03:28,234
the smartest school
in the country,
and they have...
61
00:03:28,258 --> 00:03:30,592
Peter, breakfast for dinner
is anarchy.
62
00:03:30,661 --> 00:03:32,272
It's fun, Lois!
It's whimsical!
63
00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:35,229
It's ridiculous!Pancakes are nota nighttime food.
64
00:03:35,299 --> 00:03:36,842
You're ridiculous!
65
00:03:36,866 --> 00:03:39,579
Boy, breakfast for dinner
is a real hot-button issue
for you guys, huh?
66
00:03:39,603 --> 00:03:42,754
She's also mad
'cause I shook Stewie
and now he's walking weird.
67
00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:52,213
Hey, was Beowulf
a Teen Wolf sequel
with Scott Baio?
68
00:03:52,282 --> 00:03:53,592
No.
Ugh.
69
00:03:53,616 --> 00:03:56,167
Then I just totally failed
that Medieval Lit midterm.
70
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,971
So this is a Harvard bar, huh?
Seems pretty normal.
71
00:03:59,022 --> 00:04:01,723
Hey, check it out,
there's the Winklevoss twins.
72
00:04:01,792 --> 00:04:03,002
Let's get a drink.
Get a drink.
73
00:04:03,026 --> 00:04:05,266
Let's get a drink.
I thought of it first.
74
00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:09,259
Hey, you guys
noticed how many Asians
there are at this school?
75
00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:11,528
I mean,
how'd they all get so smart?
I don't know.
76
00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:13,245
Guess that's just
the way God made 'em.
77
00:04:13,269 --> 00:04:15,804
Gentlemen, I give you the Asian.
78
00:04:15,872 --> 00:04:17,338
Ooh!
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00:04:17,407 --> 00:04:19,941
Compact, hairless
and fiercely intelligent.
80
00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:22,476
The penises, while tiny,
are extremely efficient.
81
00:04:22,545 --> 00:04:24,946
We're projecting 10 billion
within five years.
82
00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:26,425
Also, there'll be
different varieties
83
00:04:26,449 --> 00:04:28,194
that will all hate each other
for some reason.
84
00:04:28,218 --> 00:04:30,196
Do they eat just,
like, regular food?
85
00:04:30,220 --> 00:04:32,320
No, no, no, the opposite.
86
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,524
All right, this is more like it.
87
00:04:41,548 --> 00:04:43,982
Way better than
that lame-ass college joint.
88
00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:47,986
Yeah, finally
a terrible Boston bar
with a giant low-def TV.
89
00:04:48,054 --> 00:04:49,254
Let's go, Celtics!
90
00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:51,256
I think that's
The Dr. Oz Show.
91
00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:53,770
What are you talking about?
This is the last scene
of Independence Day.
92
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:56,144
Hey, look,
even the bartender's low-def.
93
00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:57,673
Hey, what can I get you fellas?
94
00:04:57,697 --> 00:04:59,075
Hey, what do you say
we get some shots?
95
00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:01,232
Yeah! Let's get wasted!
96
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,618
Yeah! Let's get
wicked bombed!
97
00:05:03,687 --> 00:05:06,354
Sorry, pal, we already have
an intense wheelchair guy.
98
00:05:06,423 --> 00:05:07,767
Well, now, hold on, hold on.
99
00:05:07,791 --> 00:05:09,424
What's your name, friend?
Peter.
100
00:05:09,493 --> 00:05:11,774
Yeah, we already got
a wheelchair guy.
101
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,464
Oh, hey, Stewie.
102
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:08,834
Hey, sometimes when
daddies drive home drunk,
103
00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:11,603
they come from faraway places,
104
00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:14,617
but it's okay
because they
didn't get arrested
105
00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:17,776
and they're
still kind of drunk
so they think it's okay.
106
00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:20,612
You should know that Mom
has emotionally let you go.
107
00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:22,748
It won't be long
before she takes a lover.
108
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,115
Oh, my head!
109
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:25,917
She already has two cell phones.
110
00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:28,286
Oh, man,
what happened last night?
111
00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:30,433
I can tell you what happened.
112
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,357
What the...
Who the hell are you?
113
00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:34,976
Who the hell do you
think I am, sweetie?
114
00:06:37,047 --> 00:06:38,463
Oh, no. You mean...
115
00:06:38,515 --> 00:06:39,947
That's right, baby.
116
00:06:40,017 --> 00:06:42,817
As of last night,
we're man and wife.
117
00:06:42,886 --> 00:06:46,104
By the way,
I need you to call my pimp
and tell him I quit.
118
00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:47,672
Oh, my God, I...
119
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:48,741
I married a hooker?
120
00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:50,041
Married?
121
00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:53,111
All right, bachelor party!
Come on! Back to Boston!
122
00:06:56,667 --> 00:07:00,568
Oh... Oh, damn it.
I guess we're not going.
123
00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:03,677
Hey, Stewie,
here's five bucks.
Get naked.
124
00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:12,897
This can't be possible!
I can't be married
to a prostitute!
125
00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:14,999
Where will you two be going
on your scummymoon?
126
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:17,001
And can I plan
your bridal golden shower?
127
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:18,269
I don't even know your name!
128
00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:19,604
It's Charmese.
129
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,205
Perfect.
Listen, Charmese,
130
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,007
I was obviously
very, very drunk.
131
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:24,743
This whole thing
is a huge mistake.
132
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:26,252
Now, we got to fix this
right away.
133
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,224
Like hell we do, sweet cream.
134
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,181
This is just
what I've always wanted,
135
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:33,618
to settle down, find a husband
and live the married life.
136
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:35,554
And now I got that.
137
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,388
Your new wife is a human toilet.
138
00:07:37,458 --> 00:07:39,469
Look, I don't remember
anything about last night.
139
00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:41,438
How do I even know
we're really married?
140
00:07:41,462 --> 00:07:43,695
I got our marriage certificate
right here.
141
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:45,897
It's legit.
142
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,977
And it looks like I signed
one of the witness lines
143
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,268
and Peter
partially signed the other.
144
00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:51,652
Joe, look.
145
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:59,594
You know, after 40 years
in my line of work,
146
00:07:59,662 --> 00:08:01,863
I've learned the difference
between true love
147
00:08:01,932 --> 00:08:04,477
and doing
the entire bowling team
of a pizza restaurant
148
00:08:04,501 --> 00:08:06,501
on a box spring by a brook.
149
00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:08,203
This is true love.
150
00:08:08,272 --> 00:08:09,837
Hey, what's our last name again?
151
00:08:09,907 --> 00:08:11,084
Hey, I hope you guys don't mind,
152
00:08:11,108 --> 00:08:12,707
but I got you
a little wedding gift.
153
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,742
A carrot?
154
00:08:14,811 --> 00:08:16,589
It's the one
she used on herself
in front of us.
155
00:08:16,613 --> 00:08:17,812
Oh, come on!
156
00:08:17,881 --> 00:08:19,458
Quagmire, if you're gonna
be married to a whore,
157
00:08:19,482 --> 00:08:21,242
you're gonna need
to have a sense of humor.
158
00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:27,183
You know, Quagmire,
I was thinking last night,
159
00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:30,775
I might remember Charmese
from a stag party in 1991.
160
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,621
Ask her if she remembers
getting hit in the forehead
161
00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:33,778
with a meatball sandwich.
162
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,847
You guys,
I can't stay married to her.
163
00:08:35,915 --> 00:08:38,015
This whole thing is
a complete disaster!
164
00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:39,217
In fact, you know what?
165
00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:40,830
I got to go down
to the courthouse right now
166
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:43,204
and file for divorce.
This thing ends now.
167
00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:46,018
Hang on, Quagmire.
I'm not sure
that's a good idea.
168
00:08:46,042 --> 00:08:48,009
Why not?
I got to get that woman
out of my life.
169
00:08:48,078 --> 00:08:50,444
I had to pour half a box
of Carpet Fresh on her crotch,
170
00:08:50,513 --> 00:08:51,879
just to stay asleep last night.
171
00:08:51,949 --> 00:08:53,448
Yeah, but listen, Quagmire.
172
00:08:53,516 --> 00:08:56,952
Quahog has some extremely
draconian laws
governing divorce
173
00:08:57,020 --> 00:08:58,970
that all heavily favor
the woman.
174
00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:00,750
What? What do you mean?
Well, to be honest,
175
00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:04,220
if you divorce her,
she'll probably get
everything you have.
176
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:07,912
What? No, that's impossible!
I can't lose all my money
and my house!
177
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:11,149
Then I'll have to move
into some depressing
divorced-guy apartment!
178
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:14,052
As you can see, we have
plenty of cabinet space
for your plate.
179
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,732
The oven, of course,
is just decorative.
180
00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:18,200
Seems okay.
Do you have any
other units available?
181
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:19,558
This is our only one.
182
00:09:19,626 --> 00:09:21,359
I hope you're happy, Marsha!
183
00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:24,161
We might have
something upstairs.
184
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,508
Sorry, Quagmire,
but the only way
around the law
185
00:09:26,532 --> 00:09:28,143
is if the woman
consents to a divorce.
186
00:09:28,167 --> 00:09:29,200
Consent?
187
00:09:29,268 --> 00:09:31,002
But Charmese will
never agree to that.
188
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,337
You heard her,
the crazy skank
wants to be a wife.
189
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,551
She's found herself a husband
and she's not letting go.
190
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:36,874
I bet she's what happens
191
00:09:36,943 --> 00:09:39,055
if you put a Hooters girl
in the microwave on "high."
192
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,824
Well, the only other choice
is to let her take
all your money.
193
00:09:41,848 --> 00:09:43,714
Ugh. Well,
I obviously can't do that.
194
00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:45,294
I guess I'm just gonna
have to suck it up...
195
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,163
Let her suck it up,
she's the expert.
Sorry, keep going.
196
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,854
And at least try to make
things work with Charmese.
197
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,056
And who knows?
Maybe it won't be that bad.
198
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,303
After all, I liked her enough
to marry her last night.
199
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:55,647
I must've seen something in her.
200
00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:57,306
There you go,
that's the spirit, buddy.
201
00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:58,975
There's a little bit
of good in everyone.
202
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:00,810
Except that president guy
from The Hunger Games.
203
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,199
He was pretty bad.
204
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,335
This year, in addition
to the Hunger Games,
205
00:10:04,403 --> 00:10:06,805
we're going to do
the Special Hunger Games.
206
00:10:06,873 --> 00:10:08,106
I'm Andy!
207
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:09,440
I love you, Andy!
208
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:10,724
Come on, guys, fight.
209
00:10:13,997 --> 00:10:15,474
So, Doc, I figured
if Charmese and I
210
00:10:15,498 --> 00:10:16,742
are gonna live as man and wife,
211
00:10:16,766 --> 00:10:18,377
I ought to get her checked out.
212
00:10:18,401 --> 00:10:21,235
Of course. Charmese,
when's the last time
you had a pelvic exam?
213
00:10:21,304 --> 00:10:23,237
When was
the Missouri Compromise?
214
00:10:23,306 --> 00:10:24,939
Uh, I think 1821.
215
00:10:25,008 --> 00:10:26,986
Then I've never had
a pelvic exam.
216
00:10:27,010 --> 00:10:28,275
All right, I'm going in.
217
00:10:28,344 --> 00:10:31,412
If I tug on the rope twice,
that means pull me out.
218
00:10:35,018 --> 00:10:36,251
God, who are the pigs
219
00:10:36,319 --> 00:10:39,080
who just throw
their empty beer
cans down here?
220
00:10:42,858 --> 00:10:45,576
Hey, Charmese.
You know,
I really love your clothes.
221
00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:48,813
I found a lot of them
on strung-out teenage corpses.
222
00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:51,193
That's so lovely.
But I was thinking,
maybe this afternoon
223
00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:52,751
you'd like to borrow
my credit card
224
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,418
and buy yourself a new wardrobe.
225
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,198
You know, something
a little more conservative.
226
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:58,723
Really?
That's so sweet, Glenn.
227
00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:01,225
No one's ever cared
about me like that before.
228
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:02,493
Thank you.
229
00:11:02,562 --> 00:11:04,612
♪ Uptown girl
230
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:08,299
♪ She's been living
in her uptown world
231
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:12,036
♪ I bet she never had
a backstreet guy
232
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:15,590
♪ I bet her mama
never told her why
233
00:11:15,659 --> 00:11:19,376
♪ I'm gonna try
for an uptown girl
234
00:11:19,445 --> 00:11:23,281
♪ She's been living
in her white-bread world
235
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:26,884
♪ As long as anyone
with hot blood can ♪
236
00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:29,803
I would like to
pawn all these clothes
for crack money.
237
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:35,459
Gosh, thanks so much
for having us over, you guys.
238
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,961
Of course, Glenn.
239
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,898
Welcome to our home, Charmese.
Sit anywhere you like.
240
00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:43,668
That chair with
the garbage bag taped over it
looks pretty good.
241
00:11:44,804 --> 00:11:47,205
Meg, you look pretty
next to her.
242
00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:48,706
So, Charmese,
243
00:11:48,775 --> 00:11:51,909
I was thinking of
writing an article
about you for my school paper.
244
00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:54,128
Do you charge black guys
more or less?
245
00:11:54,197 --> 00:11:57,631
Mmm. That's a hard
question to answer.
Most of them get a group rate.
246
00:11:57,700 --> 00:12:00,418
Come on, now,
let's not talk about work.
It's a dinner party.
247
00:12:00,486 --> 00:12:02,606
Are you and Glenn
thinking about children?
248
00:12:02,672 --> 00:12:05,189
Unfortunately,
I can't have children.
249
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:06,808
Oh. Menopause?
250
00:12:06,876 --> 00:12:10,044
No, I got knifed in the vagina
one Christmas.
251
00:12:10,113 --> 00:12:12,246
Oh, the holidays
are always stressful.
252
00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:16,017
I have $3.74.
Do something to me.
253
00:12:17,687 --> 00:12:19,420
I love you.
254
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:21,489
I want to take you away
from all this.
255
00:12:21,557 --> 00:12:23,491
They're supposedly putting
an ice cream place
256
00:12:23,559 --> 00:12:24,925
where the shoe store was.
257
00:12:24,995 --> 00:12:27,061
Excuse me,
Lois, where's your bathroom?
258
00:12:27,130 --> 00:12:29,225
I got to check
on a whistling sound.
259
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,049
Upstairs, to the left.
260
00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:35,152
Um, I'm obsessed with Charmese.
261
00:12:39,909 --> 00:12:41,525
Hey. Let's do it.
262
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,060
What? You mean, like sex?
263
00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:44,529
Yeah, and we should go now.
264
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,609
I just stuffed everything
back into place.
265
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:49,434
Uh, you know, Charmese,
I don't really think
I'm in the mood.
266
00:12:49,503 --> 00:12:51,269
What?
You're never in the mood.
267
00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:52,538
We've been married two weeks,
268
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:54,717
and we haven't done it
since that first night.
269
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:56,707
I haven't gone two weeks
without sex
270
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,821
since I was in a coma
for six weeks.
271
00:12:58,845 --> 00:13:01,212
Yeah, sorry, Charmese,
I'm just not feeling it.
272
00:13:01,264 --> 00:13:03,431
Geez,
what the hell's your problem?
273
00:13:03,499 --> 00:13:05,027
What are you, gay or something?
274
00:13:05,051 --> 00:13:06,117
Excuse me?
275
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:08,219
You heard me.
Are you some kind of 'mo?
276
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:11,789
Oh, God, please tell me
I'm not married
to some Nancy boy.
277
00:13:11,858 --> 00:13:14,341
Why? Would that be a problem?
278
00:13:14,410 --> 00:13:16,588
Are you kidding?
'Course it would.
279
00:13:16,612 --> 00:13:19,373
My dream is
to live the married life
and settle down.
280
00:13:19,415 --> 00:13:21,327
I can't be doing that
with no gay.
281
00:13:21,351 --> 00:13:23,317
I see.
282
00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:27,989
Well, Charmese, I have
something to tell you,
and this isn't easy.
283
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,173
But I'm gay.
284
00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:31,976
What? No. You can't be.
285
00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:34,323
You were so into me
that first night.
286
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:36,347
Honestly, I thought
your vaginal gatherings
287
00:13:36,415 --> 00:13:38,549
were the timid penis
of a coy first date.
288
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:39,996
Well, first of all,
I'm flattered,
289
00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:42,387
but, Glenn,
this is heartbreaking.
290
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:44,455
I was gonna be
your perfect little wife.
291
00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:46,957
I was gonna make you breakfast
maybe once a week,
292
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,359
and give you stuff to do
293
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,339
right when you walk
through the door after work.
294
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,046
And I would've
loved that, Charmese,
295
00:13:52,114 --> 00:13:54,915
if I just weren't
so super-duper double gay.
296
00:13:56,802 --> 00:13:58,202
This is awful.
297
00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,438
Oh, don't cry, Charmese.
You'll find the right guy.
298
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,975
There's someone for everyone.
Even if you're
a narcissistic pedophile.
299
00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:06,610
Hey, Ma, we got any pictures
of me when I was a kid?
300
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,079
Maybe something in a tub?
301
00:14:10,500 --> 00:14:12,600
I'm really sorry
it didn't work out, Glenn.
302
00:14:12,669 --> 00:14:14,402
Me, too, Charmese.
303
00:14:14,470 --> 00:14:18,272
I'll send the divorce papers
to that Rite Aid
where you brush your teeth.
304
00:14:19,709 --> 00:14:21,208
Hey, buddy, what happened?
She gone?
305
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:22,743
Yep, I'm off the hook, Peter.
306
00:14:22,812 --> 00:14:24,044
I told Charmese I was gay,
307
00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:26,547
and now she's gonna consent
to a no-fault divorce.
308
00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:28,015
That's brilliant, Quagmire.
309
00:14:28,083 --> 00:14:30,351
It's the exact opposite
of what Hugh Jackman does.
310
00:14:30,420 --> 00:14:32,687
Pretend you're gay
to get out of marriage.
311
00:14:32,755 --> 00:14:35,434
Oh, thank God.
I really dodged
a bullet there.
312
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:36,935
I don't know
what the hell I was thinking.
313
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:39,760
Everybody makes mistakes.
Even doctors.
314
00:14:42,832 --> 00:14:45,032
You forgot to say...
I forgot to say "clear."
315
00:14:45,935 --> 00:14:48,536
Ah, finally,
back to my old life.
316
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,689
Hello, Internet porn.
317
00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:53,591
Man, I haven't done this
in two weeks.
318
00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:55,593
I should weigh myself
before and after.
319
00:14:55,661 --> 00:14:58,028
Sorry, I forgot
my prescription mouthwash.
320
00:14:59,282 --> 00:15:00,848
Oh, my God.
What are you watching?
321
00:15:00,917 --> 00:15:02,767
That's straight porn.
322
00:15:02,836 --> 00:15:04,714
Listen, Charmese,
it's not what you think,
all right?
323
00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:07,349
I've been poisoned,
and I'm trying to
make myself throw up.
324
00:15:07,373 --> 00:15:09,340
Gay men don't
watch straight porn.
325
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,592
You lied to me,
you son of a bitch.
326
00:15:11,661 --> 00:15:13,161
No, no, I'm gay, I swear!
327
00:15:13,229 --> 00:15:15,163
Here, watch me, go there.
328
00:15:15,231 --> 00:15:19,000
Jen Aniston?
More like Jen
Can't-get-a-man-iston!
329
00:15:19,069 --> 00:15:20,568
See? I went there.
330
00:15:20,636 --> 00:15:23,504
Damn it, Glenn,
if you're not gay,
then the divorce is off.
331
00:15:23,573 --> 00:15:25,373
No, no, I am. I swear to God.
332
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:26,657
All right, fine.
333
00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:28,960
If you're really gay
and you want that divorce,
334
00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:30,795
all you got to do is one thing.
335
00:15:30,864 --> 00:15:32,130
Anything, Charmese. Name it.
336
00:15:32,198 --> 00:15:33,430
Prove it.
337
00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:35,366
Let me watch you
have sex with a man.
338
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:37,251
What?
339
00:15:37,319 --> 00:15:40,721
You heard me.
I want to see you
get it on with a guy.
340
00:15:43,092 --> 00:15:45,626
All right, Charmese, I'll do it.
341
00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:49,196
If that's what it takes,
I'll have sex
with another man.
342
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:52,366
Look, Daddy.
343
00:15:52,435 --> 00:15:54,468
Teacher says every time
a bell rings,
344
00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:57,705
some gay guy's gonna have sex
with another gay guy.
345
00:15:57,773 --> 00:16:00,007
We're gonna pull you
out of that school.
346
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,466
We now return to
The Dyslexic Baseball Wrap-Up.
347
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,468
And the Yew Nork Nankees
bave heaten
348
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:13,904
the Oltimore Boriolesnive to foohere at Yamden Cards.
349
00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:15,985
The Borioles now lace
a fong toad rip
350
00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:17,386
where they'll face the Sed Rox,
351
00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,810
the Revil Days
and the Jue Blays.
352
00:16:21,364 --> 00:16:23,096
Hey, Peter, you got a minute?
353
00:16:23,165 --> 00:16:25,210
Oh, yeah, sure.
Come on in, Quagmire.
354
00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:29,804
Listen, I need to ask you
to do something,
and it's something huge.
355
00:16:29,872 --> 00:16:31,705
I mean, it's, like,
the biggest thing
356
00:16:31,774 --> 00:16:33,574
a guy could ever ask
his friend to do.
357
00:16:33,643 --> 00:16:35,743
Hey, we're best pals, right?
Whatever you need.
358
00:16:35,811 --> 00:16:37,356
All right,
and you have to understand,
359
00:16:37,380 --> 00:16:40,381
I would never
ask you to do this
if I had any other choice
360
00:16:40,450 --> 00:16:41,716
and if what were at stake
361
00:16:41,784 --> 00:16:43,984
was anything less
than my entire way of life.
362
00:16:44,053 --> 00:16:45,553
Geez, Quagmire, what is it?
363
00:16:45,622 --> 00:16:47,354
Charmese won't give me a divorce
364
00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:49,356
because she doesn't
believe I'm gay,
365
00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:53,360
so I need you
to have sex with me
while she watches.
366
00:17:03,039 --> 00:17:04,216
I have some demands.
367
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,339
Of course, of course.
368
00:17:05,408 --> 00:17:06,774
Nobody can ever know.
369
00:17:06,843 --> 00:17:08,186
Absolutely.
I'm right there
with you on that one.
370
00:17:08,210 --> 00:17:10,122
There will be
no kissing on the mouth.
371
00:17:10,146 --> 00:17:11,746
Okay.
I changed my mind.
372
00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:13,225
There will be
kissing on the mouth.
373
00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:14,749
Uh, all right.
374
00:17:14,818 --> 00:17:17,184
Good. Now, what else?
What else? Uh, yes.
375
00:17:17,253 --> 00:17:20,621
If, per chance,
it is beautiful,
I reserve the right to cry.
376
00:17:20,690 --> 00:17:22,490
Peter, I can't imagine
any scenario
377
00:17:22,559 --> 00:17:23,602
where this is
gonna be beautiful.
378
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:26,126
Oh, I can.
I'm a very passionate man.
379
00:17:26,195 --> 00:17:28,515
Haven't you ever seen
my Spanish soap operas?
380
00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:30,248
Mi amor.
381
00:17:31,817 --> 00:17:33,150
Papa!
382
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:35,964
Nino!
383
00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:38,957
Bueno.
384
00:17:51,103 --> 00:17:53,915
Ugh. Peter,
can we just get out of here?
I want to get this over with.
385
00:17:53,939 --> 00:17:55,640
This was part of the deal,
Quagmire.
386
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,441
I need this to be
a lovely evening.
387
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,676
Fine.
388
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:00,711
How was work today?
389
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:02,090
I don't want to talk about work.
390
00:18:02,114 --> 00:18:03,759
Hey, should we go
someplace else for dessert?
391
00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:06,384
You know,
someplace fun, downtown,
where the college kids go?
392
00:18:06,452 --> 00:18:08,653
What? I'm not taking you
to two different restaurants.
393
00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:11,955
Huh. Hard to believe
your marriage
isn't working out.
394
00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:13,691
A rose for the gentleman?
395
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:14,992
What? No. Scram.
396
00:18:15,060 --> 00:18:17,328
Hey, I'm not just
a poorly cleaned butt-hole.
397
00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:19,730
There's a whole man around it
that you have to please.
398
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,565
Ugh. Fine. Here.
399
00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:24,246
Quagmire,
what's going on with you?
400
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:25,614
You don't seem
very present tonight.
401
00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:26,804
Why are you so tense?
402
00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:29,407
I'm tense
because I have to bang you
in 20 minutes!
403
00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:32,476
Well,
if it's so much of a chore.
404
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,911
What the fuck is
going on with my life?
405
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:41,819
Okay, Charmese, here we go.
Are you sure
you want to watch this?
406
00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:43,532
I'm just warning you,
you're in the splash zone.
407
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:45,656
If I get anything out,
I'll be happy.
408
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:46,891
Get on with it.
409
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,225
Uh, okay.
410
00:18:49,195 --> 00:18:52,096
Here, let me stroke your hair.
411
00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:55,766
Thank you. I want to do
gay things for you.
412
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:58,869
I... I crave your groin.
413
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:02,673
Yes, and I cannot wait
to intertwine our bodies
414
00:19:02,741 --> 00:19:05,259
and make each other's fingers
smell terrible.
415
00:19:05,327 --> 00:19:06,894
Enough! Kiss each other.
416
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,952
Yeah, that was so hot.
417
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:16,971
Just like we always do.
418
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,523
Now take off
each other's clothes.
419
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,959
Oh, God,
I'm so excited for gay sex.
420
00:19:22,027 --> 00:19:23,027
Me, too.
421
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:25,563
Your body makes me so horny.
422
00:19:26,265 --> 00:19:27,931
Shut up and do it.
423
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:39,009
It's very close, Peter.
It's grazing your hairs.
424
00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:40,378
Come on, Peter.
425
00:19:40,446 --> 00:19:42,930
Sir Ian McKellen does this.
You can do this.
426
00:19:42,998 --> 00:19:44,193
Here we go.
Here we go.
427
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:45,611
Here we go!
Just do it!
428
00:19:45,635 --> 00:19:46,801
Wait.
429
00:19:46,869 --> 00:19:48,435
Stop.
430
00:19:48,504 --> 00:19:51,472
Look, Glenn,
you're obviously not gay.
431
00:19:51,540 --> 00:19:53,385
Yes, I am.
Well, I'm something
432
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:55,676
'cause I've been at full-sail
for the last half hour.
433
00:19:55,744 --> 00:19:59,680
No, Glenn, you're not.
I see that now,
and the truth is,
434
00:19:59,748 --> 00:20:03,217
if you're
willing to go this far
to get a divorce,
435
00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:05,126
then maybe we shouldn't
be married after all.
436
00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:07,471
What... What are you saying?
437
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:11,458
I'm saying,
I'll give you your divorce.
You're off the hook.
438
00:20:11,527 --> 00:20:12,710
Oh!
439
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:15,546
Oh, thank you, Charmese.
Thank you so much.
440
00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:17,948
I can't believe
you'd do that for me.
441
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,533
Well, it's for me, too.
442
00:20:19,602 --> 00:20:21,168
You were real nice to me, Glenn,
443
00:20:21,236 --> 00:20:22,770
nicer than any other guy's been,
444
00:20:22,839 --> 00:20:27,708
but I wanted
to be somebody's wife,
not somebody's burden.
445
00:20:27,777 --> 00:20:29,376
Good luck to you, sweetie.
446
00:20:29,445 --> 00:20:31,356
And good luck to you, Charmese.
447
00:20:31,380 --> 00:20:33,781
Thanks.
You're very special to me.
448
00:20:33,850 --> 00:20:37,000
I'm sorry my urine
melted a hole
through your toilet.
449
00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:38,070
Aw.
450
00:20:41,424 --> 00:20:43,190
Oh, thank God that's over.
451
00:20:43,258 --> 00:20:44,658
Yeah, no kidding.
452
00:20:44,727 --> 00:20:46,887
Hey, you know,
there's not too many guys
in the world
453
00:20:46,929 --> 00:20:49,207
who would be willing to do
something like that
for their pal.
454
00:20:49,231 --> 00:20:50,698
Ah, don't mention it.
455
00:20:50,766 --> 00:20:53,867
No, no,
you're an amazing friend,
and I really owe you.
456
00:20:53,936 --> 00:20:55,302
Thanks, Peter.
457
00:20:55,371 --> 00:20:56,670
Ah, you're welcome, buddy.
458
00:20:58,975 --> 00:21:02,335
Hey, Quagmire, why is
the red light blinking
on your computer?
459
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,146
What are we watching? Glee?
36119
Can't find what you're looking for?
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