All language subtitles for Family Guy - S11E09 - Space Cadet (Uncensored)

It's...

Chris, would you like
to read your personal essay?

Okay, Mrs. Donovan.

"Following Mrs. Donovan"
by Chris Griffin.

"The first thing that
Mrs. Donovan does when
she gets home from school

"is put on sweatpants.

"Then she eats a whole
tube of cookie dough,

"but she must be allergic to it

"because there are tears
coming out of her eyes

"and she always
throws up right after.

"Then she puts
paper doll clothes
on a picture of a sonogram."

Chris, I think you should stop.

What? I'm doing
the best I can.

I'm not Nathaniel Hawthorne.

Nathaniel, what are you doing?

Just ruining
ninth grade for everyone.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
I called you in today

because your son,
Chris, has been

getting in quite
a bit of trouble lately.

In fact, just yesterday,
he tried to pass
this drawing off

as his Advanced Art project.

Oh, my.

I'm very embarrassed.

Well, someone should be.

I'm sorry, Principal Shepherd.
We've tried talking to Chris.

We just don't
know what else to do.

Well, I think we
may have a solution.

We have these cats that
hang around the school,
and we feed them.

Why doesn't Chris come in,
and we can treat him
like one of the cats?

Then, in a couple of years,
we'll give him a diploma.

That doesn't sound like
he'll be getting
the best education.

I don't know, Lois.

Some of those cats go on
to get pretty good jobs.

Yep.

We now return to Breaking Bad.

You will
recommend Breaking Bad
to everyone you know.

I will recommend Breaking Bad
to everyone I know.

Breaking Bad is the best show
you've ever seen,

except maybe The Wire.

Breaking Bad is the best show
I've ever seen,

except maybe The Wire.

You will never stop
talking about Breaking Bad
or The Wire.

I will never stop talking
about Breaking Bad
or The Wire.

Peter, I'm really
worried about Chris.

What are we gonna do about him?

Let's face it,
Lois, the kid's an idiot.

What the hell happened
to all the smart
genes in this family?

I mean, I invent
the razor blade comb,
and my kids are doing nothing.

I mean, when Chris grows up,

will he even be
able to get a job
or take care of himself?

And what's he
gonna do when we die?

♪ Ouga chaka ouga ouga...

♪ I can't stop this feeling

♪ Deep inside of me ♪

I feel awful saying it,

but I'm kind of embarrassed
by him sometimes.

I know, and he's got boobs, too.

Stupid guy with boobs.

Acting like he
doesn't want us to look.
He wants us to look.

Stop making fun of me!

I just wanted to listen
to you guys have sex,

but you were saying
mean things about me.

Chris! Oh, my God.
No, we weren't
talking about you.

Yeah, we were talking about Meg.

We call her Chris
so she doesn't know.

Fuck you!
Shut up, Chris!

I know that's not true.

Oh, God.

Peter, he heard us
call him stupid.
His own parents.

What have we done?

Well, you know, Lois,
it's never easy
hearing the truth.

Especially from
a fortune cookie.

What does it say, Peter?

Just something
about perseverance.

What does yours say?

It says I'm very creative.

Oh, by the way,
there's a baby in
my preschool with HIV,

and my teacher gave
you something to sign
to get him kicked out.

Hey, Chris!
There's my big, smart son.
My special guy, my Chrissy.

Sounds like someone
got her vibrator
working again.

Oh, look out, everyone.
Double-digit IQ
joining the table.

Hey, smarty, think fast.
Ah!

He knows.
He knows it's hot.
'Cause he's smart.

I don't want to
talk to you guys.
You called me an idiot.

Oh, Chris, you must
have just misheard us.

I was standing right there.
How is that possible?

'Cause you're an idiot,
that's how.
Peter!

I'm going to school!

It's Sunday, right?

Peter, we've
completely destroyed
his self-esteem.

We've got to do something.

You know, Lois,
if Chris is having
confidence issues,

they have camps
for kids like him.

What do you mean?

Well, they take kids
who struggle in school

and help them
gain self-confidence
in a nurturing environment.

Wow. That's actually
a great idea.

We don't got no money for camp.

We're saving up to go to Europe.

Peter, we went to Europe.
You didn't like it.

Oh, my God, it's beautiful.
My TV isn't here.
Let's go home.

We now return
to Canadian Horror Story.

Hey, hon, we're out of Molson.

Oh, not to worry.
We've got some
Labatt's in the garage.

And could you get
one for the ghost?

Boo, eh?

Hey, Chris,
could we talk to you?

If you're gonna
insult me again,
just go away.

Look, honey, we're sorry,

and we want to do
something special for you.

This is
a Hamilton Beach blender
we got on our wedding day.

It keeps coming back
to us in a vicious
re-gifting cycle.

No, Peter.

Chris, we were thinking
of sending you to camp.

And we're going to
let you choose which one.

This one's called Camp Helmet.

This one's called
Camp Sit 'N' Stay.

These camps don't
sound fun at all.

Well, Chris, camp is only
as fun as you make it.

That's how it was
in World War II.

Don't suppose it would
help to say I have
a note from my doctor.

Get in there, you.

Hey, this one looks cool.
Space Camp.

"Spend a week doing
intensive math and science,

"learning from
real astronauts."

Space Camp?

I'm sorry,

that one must have accidentally

gotten in with the rest of them.

What are you saying?
That I'm too stupid for it?

Chris, we're over here.

What are you saying?
That I'm too stupid for it?

No, no, of course not.

Then this is the camp I choose.

Yay! I get to
go to Space Camp!

Thanks, Mom and Dad.
You guys are
the best parents ever!

Would you excuse me a moment?

These are mine now.

Hey!

Oh, honey,
when we accepted those mugs,
we knew this could happen.

You know, Chris,
it's not too late

to change your mind
about Space Camp.

Sometimes it can be
tough to fit in with
a new group of people.

Yeah, I sure had my troubles
when I got involved
with the Boy Scouts.

At no time were
the campers and Mr. Griffin
naked simultaneously.

They merely
engaged in horseplay.

Did Mr. Griffin
sodomize the boys?

Mr. Griffin vehemently
denies all allegations.

Mom, I can handle Space Camp.
I'm not stupid.

Well, regardless,
on the way back,

we're stopping
at that Down syndrome
camp we passed.

Peter, that was
the University of Florida.

Welcome to Space Camp.

Hi. We're here to register
our son, Chris Griffin.

Oh, great to meet you, Chris.

Hey, this kid
means the world to me.
Keep an eye on him, huh?

Hey, what's that?
I thought all
the space shuttles

were decommissioned.

Well, we always keep one
spacecraft flight-ready

in the event
a satellite needs service,

there's a Space
Station emergency,

or an Italian guy
needs to over exaggerate.

I swear to God, Johnny,
I've had it up to...

here with your BS.

Oh, he's really
had it this time.

I'm sorry, Louie!

All right, then.

Hey, what's that in there?

That's a sensory
deprivation room that
prepares our astronauts

for the terrifying
emptiness of space.

Oh, cool.
Hey, come on, Brian,
try it with me.

Things got crazy so fast.

Bye, Chris. Good luck.

Take care, Chris.

Oh, and hey,
if you get sent off
on a space mission, um,

don't be the black guy,
'cause you'll die.

I know you're gonna have fun
and make lots of good friends.

Yeah, and not fake friends,
like guys whose
wives are friends.

You have to get me that recipe.

Oh, my God, the cookbook?
It's right in the kitchen.

Sports?
No.

Movies?
No.

Hiking?
No.

Cars?
No.

Porn? Yes!
Porn? Yes!

Gay porn?
No.

Welcome to Space Camp, everyone.

Be sure to grab
your physics textbooks.

And you may want to brush up
for tomorrow's lecture
on orbital dynamics.

Oh, man.
I don't belong here,
and they know it.

People can always sense a fraud.

Gentlemen, it has
come to my attention

that there's a Chinese among us.

Rest assured, he will be found.

Security is launching
a full-scale investigation

into the genealogy records
of every single
one of our employees.

This man will be found,
and there will be
dire consequences.

Too bad about that
Chinese guy, huh?

Campers, we are now
in our state-of-the-art
space shuttle simulator.

Hey, you're a girl.
I just figured that out.

By the time you
leave Space Camp,

you will all be familiar
with every device
on board this craft.

What's this button do?

Why don't you go
ahead and push it?

That's my band.

Okay, campers, let's see
your astronaut haircuts.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Chris, that's
a Russell Brand haircut.

Boy, I don't know what happened.

I went to me barber at the shop,

and I come out,
I'm looking like this.

You're talking
different from how I talk.

Here's a bunch of
money to be on TV.

If you all saw Apollo 13,

you know they had to
fix an air scrubber

with just the tools
in the capsule.

Griffin, I need you
to use these tools
to fix my marriage.

I can't do that.

Well, I can't be
the only one who's trying.

Hello?

Oh, my God, Chris.
What's wrong?

Mom, I hate it here.
I want to come home.

All the kids are mean,
and I keep messing
everything up.

Even Jinx the Robot
is picking on me.

Hey, you've got
something on your shirt.

Joke complete.

You and Dad were right.
I'm not smart enough
to be here.

Can you come get me,
please, Mom?

Okay, honey, of course we will.

Hang on, I got another call.

Hello?

Lois, I'm at the gym.
I hate it here.
I want to come home.

Everybody's so mean.

And there's this one guy
who follows me around
and calls me fat.

Well, I suppose I...

Hang on, honey,
I'm getting another call.

Hello?

Hey, is fat ass home yet?
Put him on, I want
to talk to him.

Thanks for coming
to get me, you guys.

Hey, no problem.

We spent thousands of dollars
to send you here

and made two trips to
Florida in four days.

I'm glad we had you.

Well, I'm sorry.

I thought I could
handle it here,
but I was wrong.

That's okay, honey,
everyone makes mistakes.

Yeah, remember when the fat man

brought home that cougar chick?

You make yourself
comfortable, Beth.
I'll be right back.

Hi, young man.
I'm looking for a good time.

Uh-huh.
I'm worldly. I'm fun.

This ain't mileage,
this is experience.
Not interested.

Listen, just so
there are no surprises,
don't be scared,

my stuff looks
like someone spilled
an apple pie in my lap.

Yuck.

Didn't you have any
fun at all, sweetie?

Well, I guess
I did get to go on the
space shuttle every day.

Really? No way.

I always wanted
to be an astronaut
like Lance Armstrong.

It's Neil Armstrong.

He lied about his name, too?

Wow, this is amazing, Chris.

Look at this, Lois,
a week ago,
we call him stupid,

and now he's giving tours
of the space shuttle.

Negative reinforcement,
that's the key.
Right, stupid?

I'll do better.

So, do you know how
all this stuff works?

Well, I don't know
what most of these buttons do,

but I know this big
red one is the one
you press to launch.

Ooh! Big red button!

Stewie, no!

Uh-oh.

Chris, make it stop.

I'm trying.

I think... I think
we're launching.

Oh, my God,
everyone strap yourselves in.
Stewie, hold my hand.

No, thank you,
I prefer to die
giving you the finger.

If this is what it takes
to get out of Florida, fine.

You know what?
You only live once.

I am sticking my
head out the window.

Yes, this is the best
version of whatever's
so enjoyable about this.

Mom, I'm scared.

I don't believe it.
Are we really stuck in space?

Oh, God, what if we have
to live up here for
the rest of our lives?

I'm gonna miss
drinking at The Clam.

I'll tell you what I won't miss.

That waiter who
thinks he has to be funny.

Yes, I'd like
the chopped salad, please.

And could I get
no onions on that?

Hmm. I've got
a few connections
in the back.

I'll see what I can do.

Yeah, that's funny.

If there's one
onion on that salad,

you can forget the $1.80 tip
you need to live.

I'm sorry, you guys.
This is all my fault.

I never should've brought you
on the space shuttle.

You were right, I am stupid.

Hello, up there.
Hello?

I know you all must be
pretty terrified right now,

but we're doing
everything in our power

to get you safely back to Earth.

We're pretty good at this.
We're like six for eight.

Is there anything we can do?

Well, fortunately,
the ship runs on autopilot.

We just need some time
to figure out your coordinates

and calculate the reentry plan.

So just try to stay calm
and we'll figure this all out.

By the way,
you're all quite famous now.
You're on every news channel.

Good afternoon,
I'm Brian Williams.

Our top story,
an accidental
space shuttle launch

that has sent
a Rhode Island
family into orbit.

For more on the story,
we go to our local affiliate,

Channel Five Quahog, where
Tom Tucker is on the scene.
Tom?

Thanks, Brian.

I saw that you
opened my birthday Evite.

Now I just need you
to go ahead and reply.

I'm standing here
at the home of
the Griffin family,

chatting with their neighbors.

So, the Griffins
might be dead.
How does that make you feel?

Griffin, dead? I take.

No, no, they might be dead.
They also might
still be alive.

Is okay, I take.

Peter, what are you doing?

I'm going out
for a spacewalk, Lois.

You know, this is our one chance

to experience
the awe-inspiring wonders
of space firsthand.

Wow, neat.

So, this is space.

Damn it.

Ha! Stupid drunk bitches.

Hey, Brian, check it out.
Meg's poking around
the cargo hold.

I'm gonna give
her a little scare.

Oh, boy,
I think this space food
has gone bad.

Peter, that's
a fecal collection bag.

Oh, there's a bag for that?

'Cause mine's over there
twirling in the air
like a slow baton.

Well, someone's got to
lead this marching band. Ew!

Griffins, come in.

Yes! Yes, we're here.

Well, I have some good news.

The autopilot is capable
of taking you home.

But, guys...

to engage, we're gonna...

to take the shuttle out of...

Hello?

Hello? Crap,
I think we lost him.

Let me fix that.

If radio deejays
have taught me
anything about radio,

it's that you got
to do two things.

Turn it up and rip the knob off.

Peter, no!

Damn it, now we've lost
communication entirely.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know,
but we got to try something.

If we don't get this shuttle
out of orbit soon,

we're gonna run out
of oxygen and die.

Is failure an option?

No, it's not.

Aw. That was my suggestion.

All right, come on,
everyone, we got to
put our heads together

and try to find a solution.

Don't worry,
Griffins have a long history
of figuring stuff out.

Like my great-grandfather
who invented the first
marital aid.

This gives me an idea.

She's dead.

All right, come on,
if Mission Control thought

we could help get
the shuttle out of orbit,
it can't be that hard.

Okay, okay, uh, try this.

Hit up, up, down, down,
left, right, left, right,
B, A, start.

Then we'll have unlimited lives.

Come on, we're
running out of time.

Oh, Meg, all your
suicide threats
over the years,

and you're just
as chicken shit
as the rest of us.

Hey, guys, I think
I have an idea
that could help us.

In Space Camp,
we learned about
countering forward momentum

with retro rockets.

If we use them now,
the ship might
slow down enough

for gravity to
pull us out of orbit.

That's an egg
that I hucked at you
for being a nerd.

Chris, if you think
it'll help, just try it!

Oh, we're slowing down.
That's a good sign.

You know
what's not slowing down?
Breaking Bad.

Haven't seen anything like it
since The Wire.

God, he never shuts
up about those shows.

Oh, my God!
I think it might be working!

We're spinning out!

Oh, my God, we're gonna die!

There's so many
things I didn't do.
I never got to go to college!

My book wasn't all
I wanted it to be in spots!

Peter, I wanted to
grow old with you!

Well, you kind of did.

I never got to wear it better!

We have to reorient the

retro rockets to
counter the spin rotation!

Chris, what are you doing?

Saving our lives.

Aw, I wish he hadn't said that.

Now I'm kind of
rooting against him.

We're straightening out!

Look! It says
"autopilot engaged."

Good for him.
I'm glad he found someone.

Oh, thank God, we're saved!

I can't believe
I got to go to space
before Derek Watson.

Who's Derek Watson?

Nobody now.

They've re-entered
the atmosphere!

I'm not cheering.
I don't even know them.

Well, thanks to
no gravity in space
my spine stretched,

and I am now a confident 6'3",

so, Lois, I will
be leaving you
for a hotter woman.

Never mind, Lois,
I love you so much.

Chris, our family
is alive right now
because of you.

You saved us.

That's right, buddy.
It was your brains
that pulled us through.

We're so sorry we
ever doubted you.

Thanks, you guys.

You bet, champ.

Hey, by the way,
who moved our house?