Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,203 --> 00:00:04,936
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:08,207
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:11,877
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:14,913
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:18,150
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,469
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,538 --> 00:00:23,088
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:24,890
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:29,812
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:39,454
Do you want an excuse
to not go home this Christmas?
11
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,389
Then fly Northwest Airlines.
12
00:00:41,459 --> 00:00:44,126
At Northwest Airlines,
thousands of employees
13
00:00:44,195 --> 00:00:46,911
are dedicated to delaying
and canceling flights,
14
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,025
so you won't get
home for the holidays.
15
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,833
No way I'm getting you
on your connecting flight.
16
00:00:51,902 --> 00:00:54,119
No way we're taking off on time.
17
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:57,338
Don't worry, I'm taking
this flight back to the gate.
18
00:00:57,407 --> 00:00:59,519
Do you think Jeff will
make it home this year?
19
00:00:59,543 --> 00:01:02,260
No way,
because Jeff flew Northwest.
20
00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:04,663
Thanks, Northwest.
I hate my family.
21
00:01:05,850 --> 00:01:07,349
Ah, that looks great.
22
00:01:07,417 --> 00:01:10,251
You know,
I think this is gonna be
our best Christmas ever.
23
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,831
Yeah, but don't get
your hopes up, Lois.
24
00:01:11,855 --> 00:01:14,156
I couldn't afford to get you
what I got you last year.
25
00:01:14,224 --> 00:01:17,225
I know how you like that song,
so I got you two turtledoves.
26
00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:20,012
Where did you get these?
27
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,458
I went to a scientist
and had them
genetically engineered.
28
00:01:22,482 --> 00:01:24,116
Fly, beautiful turtledoves.
29
00:01:24,184 --> 00:01:25,817
Bring Christmas cheer to all.
30
00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:31,001
Everybody outside!
We'll do the rest
of Christmas outside!
31
00:01:31,025 --> 00:01:32,608
Go, go, go!
32
00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:36,011
The scientist also threw in
wolverine teeth for free.
33
00:01:36,079 --> 00:01:40,449
Why did I say yes?
They aren't even
mentioned in the song!
34
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:44,136
Look, Stewie, I'm hanging
the ornament you made
at preschool.
35
00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:47,172
Just hang it up.
Why do you have to
narrate everything you do?
36
00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,019
Peter, you want to put
the star on top of the...
37
00:01:49,043 --> 00:01:51,643
Oh, hang on, hang on, Lois,
I always wanted to do this.
38
00:01:51,711 --> 00:01:53,111
Wait a second.
39
00:01:54,214 --> 00:01:55,580
It's coming.
40
00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:57,682
There it is!
41
00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:02,454
Huh?
42
00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:04,667
Eh, it's something,
but you still
got a leftover "R."
43
00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:07,259
This was hard!
I did this for you!
44
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:11,029
This one's my favorite ornament.
45
00:02:11,097 --> 00:02:13,242
I can only imagine
what it must have
been like for them
46
00:02:13,266 --> 00:02:15,033
on that very first Christmas.
47
00:02:15,102 --> 00:02:17,569
Yeah, it was probably
very moving and fictional.
48
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:20,739
Jesus lived with us for,
like, a week.
What else do you need?
49
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:23,241
It's the greatest
story ever told, Meg.
50
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:26,011
A story that goes back
over a hundred years.
51
00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:27,445
Yay, Star Wars!
52
00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:28,747
No, Chris.
53
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:32,050
It's the story of Christmas
and the Immaculate Conception.
54
00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:33,864
You guys were born
the dirty way.
55
00:02:33,888 --> 00:02:37,100
Now, gather around,
everybody, and hear
the awe-inspiring tale
56
00:02:37,124 --> 00:02:39,991
that's caused millions
and millions of deaths.
57
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:43,728
Many years ago
there was a hardworking
young carpenter named Joseph,
58
00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:46,497
and one day,Joseph and his friend Robbywere hanging...
59
00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:48,399
A guy's name
was Robby back then?
60
00:02:48,468 --> 00:02:50,363
The Bible is fuzzy on that.
61
00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:53,399
Anyway, Joseph and Robbywere hanging out one daywhen this happened.
62
00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:55,691
So I went to see that new
Oedipus play last week.
63
00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:58,359
Took my mother,
talk about
an awkward ride home.
64
00:02:58,428 --> 00:02:59,895
Barely got a good-night kiss.
65
00:02:59,964 --> 00:03:01,329
Hey, Joseph, check it out.
66
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:07,686
Oh, my God, look at that body.
67
00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:10,455
Can't you just imagine her
standing on
people's front lawns
68
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,123
inside a cut-in-half bathtub?
69
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,552
You should go talk to her
and see if she can talk.
70
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,197
Uh, hi. I'm...
I'm Joseph.
71
00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:20,232
Oh, hello. I'm Mary.
72
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:24,068
Listen, um, I was wondering
if you'd like to
go out sometime.
73
00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:25,970
Well, sure. That sounds nice.
74
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,251
You know, there's
a beautiful spot
outside of town
75
00:03:28,275 --> 00:03:29,952
where they dump
all the foreskins.
76
00:03:29,976 --> 00:03:32,411
You can sit on top
and watch the sunset.
77
00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:34,156
Oh, great, and maybe
we could slaughter a lamb
78
00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:35,925
and light it on fire
so that it rains.
79
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:37,949
Well, let's not go too fast.
80
00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,751
Listen,
I'll see you later, okay?
81
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,887
I've got to go sit in a circle
with the other women
82
00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,972
and stare off into the fields.
83
00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:45,540
All right, you got a date.
84
00:03:45,609 --> 00:03:47,969
Yeah, I just hope it goes
better than my last one.
85
00:03:47,994 --> 00:03:50,262
Wow, Joseph, that was great.
86
00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:52,264
Yeah, I got to say
I'm a little disappointed.
87
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:54,043
When you said I could do you
in your mudhut,
88
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,517
I thought you meant
something else.
89
00:03:57,304 --> 00:04:00,138
And so Mary and Joseph
began their courtship.
90
00:04:00,206 --> 00:04:03,675
But even after several dates,Joseph couldn'tget to first base.
91
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,288
Not just because
Mary was a virgin,
92
00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:08,313
but because baseball would not
be invented for 1,800 years
93
00:04:08,381 --> 00:04:10,293
and nobody knew what the hell
he was talking about.
94
00:04:10,317 --> 00:04:13,402
You know this is
the same picnic basket
we drowned my sister in.
95
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:15,364
It was back when
they were like,
"Drown all the girls,"
96
00:04:15,388 --> 00:04:17,622
and then they were like,
"Don't drown all the girls,"
97
00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:20,625
but she was born on
a drowning week, so, you know.
98
00:04:21,879 --> 00:04:24,846
Oh, look at that,
there's hardly any blood.
99
00:04:24,915 --> 00:04:26,281
You're very healthy.
100
00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:28,283
Well,
I try to take care of myself.
101
00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:31,119
Joseph, this is the most fun
I've had in a while.
102
00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:32,587
That's good, that's good.
103
00:04:32,655 --> 00:04:34,234
Pull your pants down.
What?
104
00:04:34,258 --> 00:04:37,325
Come on,
this is our seventh date.
It's completely natural.
105
00:04:37,394 --> 00:04:39,094
Birds do it, bees do it,
106
00:04:39,162 --> 00:04:41,162
dinosaurs, whom we
live alongside, do it.
107
00:04:41,231 --> 00:04:43,698
Joseph, I can't.
People will talk.
108
00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:45,233
So, what?
They'll talk in Aramaic.
109
00:04:45,302 --> 00:04:46,934
Do you understand that?
I don't.
110
00:04:47,003 --> 00:04:50,122
Look, you're very sweet,
but I have to save myself.
111
00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:52,890
For who?
There's only 30 people
in the whole world
112
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,626
and you're related
to half of them.
113
00:04:54,694 --> 00:04:56,556
I can't believe how hard
you're making me work.
114
00:04:56,580 --> 00:04:59,498
Well, I do have a very
good virginity coach.
115
00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:01,833
No, no, no.
116
00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:04,435
Okay, I think I got it.
How's this?
117
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:07,706
No, no, no.
118
00:05:08,274 --> 00:05:11,476
No, no, no.
119
00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:15,213
Look, I can't explain it,
but something is
telling me to wait.
120
00:05:15,281 --> 00:05:17,560
Something deep,
deep inside of me.
121
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:19,250
Stop talking like that
or I swear to God
122
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,959
I'm gonna Pompeii
all over this blanket.
123
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,521
Oh, you're silly.
124
00:05:22,589 --> 00:05:24,622
Come on,
let's just watch the show.
125
00:05:28,045 --> 00:05:29,311
Wow, she's really getting it.
126
00:05:29,379 --> 00:05:31,980
Yeah, I know that girl,
that's Donna Magdalene,
127
00:05:32,049 --> 00:05:34,282
and her sister's
a bigger slut than she is.
128
00:05:34,351 --> 00:05:36,551
Listen, Mary,
I know this isn't as romantic
129
00:05:36,619 --> 00:05:38,219
as seeing someone
pressed to death.
130
00:05:38,288 --> 00:05:41,889
Joseph, relax.
I'm having a good time.
131
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,558
You know,
we Jews got it right,
working with our hands.
132
00:05:49,582 --> 00:05:52,083
Yeah,
let those eggheads in Rome
do the brain work,
133
00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:54,052
we Jews will do the brawn work.
134
00:05:54,121 --> 00:05:56,532
Hey, Italians,
put a book down
once in a while.
135
00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:58,101
Yeah, yeah, right.
Definitely, yeah.
136
00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,524
Put a book down.
137
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:02,694
Hey, so, uh, you've
been seeing that girl Mary
for some time now.
138
00:06:02,762 --> 00:06:03,806
She's pretty smoking.
139
00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:05,096
Aw, man, she is so hot.
140
00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:07,599
She's gonna go down in history
as "Hot Bitch Mary."
141
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:09,479
You know, I'm thinking
of popping the question.
142
00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:11,548
Really?
Yeah, I figure I'm 14 now,
143
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:12,870
I'm not getting any younger.
144
00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:14,651
Hey, look,
it's the burning bush!
145
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,441
Hail Mary, full of guys.
146
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,510
Oh, come all ye face-full.
147
00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:20,745
Come on, guys,
that's really dirty.
148
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:21,814
Hi, Joseph.
149
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,247
Hey, Mary, what's going on?
150
00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:24,883
Oh, I just thought
I'd take a break
151
00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:27,418
from pooping in
the open street
to come see you.
152
00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:28,598
That's nice.
153
00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:30,354
Listen, can you
come by my house later?
154
00:06:30,423 --> 00:06:32,791
There's something important
I have to share with you.
155
00:06:32,859 --> 00:06:35,071
Okay, sure.
I'll come by around
that part of the day
156
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:36,295
when the sun goes away
157
00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:38,207
and we're all terrified
it will never come back.
158
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,965
Okay, bye.
159
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:41,945
Wow, you're a lucky man, Joseph.
160
00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:43,235
I know.
161
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:44,614
So, what have you
got going on later?
162
00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:46,682
I think I might hang out
in the town square.
163
00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:49,040
I hear an oracle from Greece
is sending a funny message
164
00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:51,020
and I want to be there
when it arrives.
165
00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:06,708
Penis.
Ha.
166
00:07:11,381 --> 00:07:12,381
Hey, Mary.
167
00:07:12,449 --> 00:07:14,115
Oh, hi, Joseph. Come on in.
168
00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:17,296
Thanks. Hey, listen,
I just got tickets
to see Cher in Bethlehem.
169
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:18,430
You want to go?
170
00:07:18,454 --> 00:07:20,221
I guess.
How close are the seats?
171
00:07:20,289 --> 00:07:21,556
Row L-X-V-I.
172
00:07:21,625 --> 00:07:23,107
That sounds great.
173
00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:25,677
But, look, Joseph,
there's something
I have to tell you.
174
00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:27,662
I'm pregnant.
175
00:07:27,730 --> 00:07:28,807
From my finger?
176
00:07:28,831 --> 00:07:30,231
No, you don't understand.
177
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:32,767
God has blessed me
with his child.
178
00:07:32,835 --> 00:07:35,437
You banged Kevin God
from South Nazareth?
179
00:07:35,505 --> 00:07:38,005
No, no, Joseph, I mean God.
180
00:07:38,075 --> 00:07:40,308
I'm carrying God's baby.
181
00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:42,309
He... He sent down an angel.
182
00:07:50,987 --> 00:07:54,033
Fear not, pretty lady,
who ain't never had
no relations.
183
00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:56,757
I's been sent to bring you
the message that tonight
184
00:07:56,826 --> 00:07:59,461
you's gonna be getting
pregnant with the Son of God.
185
00:07:59,529 --> 00:08:01,762
It's a miracle, yay!
186
00:08:01,831 --> 00:08:02,831
I am?
187
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:04,377
Yeah, and it's gonna
be here soon,
188
00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:06,479
so you might want to
spruce yourself up.
189
00:08:06,503 --> 00:08:08,503
Maybe walk in
the creek a little bit.
190
00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,916
Oh, and he probably
don't want me
to tell you this,
191
00:08:10,940 --> 00:08:12,552
but be ready
'cause he might give you
192
00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:14,687
a little bit of a donkey punch.
193
00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,556
So you're saying
God got you pregnant?
194
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:19,680
Yes, Joseph.
Glory in the highest!
195
00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:21,994
Well, if it his will,
then his will be done,
196
00:08:22,018 --> 00:08:23,662
and I am but his humble servant.
197
00:08:23,686 --> 00:08:25,019
But I do have one question.
198
00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:26,232
Was he bigger than me?
199
00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:28,055
Joseph, it wasn't like that.
200
00:08:28,125 --> 00:08:29,724
I felt nothing.
201
00:08:29,792 --> 00:08:31,592
Oh, little guy.
202
00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:39,300
We now return to
A Christmas Carol.
203
00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:44,589
I am the Ghost
of Christmas Past.
204
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,090
Oh, hello.
205
00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:49,327
I am here to show you
how you lost your way.
206
00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:51,429
Um, oh, okay.
207
00:08:51,498 --> 00:08:53,164
How long is this gonna take?
208
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:55,433
I don't know,
maybe eight minutes?
209
00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:58,570
Okay, hang on, I just got to
use the bathroom.
210
00:09:56,162 --> 00:09:59,097
I am the Ghost of
Christmas Pres...
211
00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:00,531
Wait, you haven't gone yet?
212
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:01,601
No.
213
00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:03,969
Okay, here we go.
214
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:07,800
Sorry, this is
turning into
something else.
215
00:10:07,824 --> 00:10:09,335
All right, kids, gather around.
216
00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:12,543
Time to make
our yearly terrible call
to Great Aunt Helen.
217
00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:18,961
Hello?
Hi, Aunt Helen.
218
00:10:18,985 --> 00:10:21,719
It's Peter, Lois
and the whole family.
219
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:26,856
We're calling to
say Merry Christmas.
Peter's lowest what?
220
00:10:27,727 --> 00:10:30,047
We were just calling to...
Are you there, dear?
221
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:34,143
I hope you got our card.
We had quite a cold snap here.
222
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:37,567
Okay, nobody talk,
we'll just wait
for her to talk.
223
00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,551
Well, we just wanted to...
Are you still there, dear?
224
00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:44,809
Damn it!
225
00:10:44,877 --> 00:10:46,455
So, how was the...
It's been rather cold.
226
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:49,480
The pond froze over
a family of raccoons.
227
00:10:51,751 --> 00:10:53,962
All right,
well, merry Christmas.
Are you there, dear?
228
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:57,154
Dad, can we hear
more of that story
about the baby Jesus?
229
00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:59,256
Ah, right.
Now everybody listen up
230
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:02,166
while I stuff
the rest of this rhetoric
down your throats.
231
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:04,040
Now, if you remember,
Mary and Joseph
232
00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:05,904
were on their way to Bethlehem.
233
00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:12,670
Ugh, look at that.
I remember when
this was all desert.
234
00:11:12,739 --> 00:11:16,040
You know, when the baby comes,
we could probably
homeschool him.
235
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:17,758
I can count up to nine.
236
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:19,477
Yeah, hey,
so tell me one more time
237
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,346
how it is
that God got you pregnant.
238
00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:24,014
'Cause when you
tell me the story,
it sort of makes sense.
239
00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:25,528
But then when I tell
the guys at work,
240
00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:26,929
they poke
all kinds of holes in it.
241
00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:29,437
So, you guys are
going to Bethlehem, huh?
242
00:11:29,505 --> 00:11:31,806
I went there one time
on a donkeys' night out.
243
00:11:31,874 --> 00:11:35,343
Oh, my God, I got so hammered!
244
00:11:38,848 --> 00:11:40,592
We'll leave the window
part out of the Bible.
245
00:11:40,616 --> 00:11:42,617
They'll just
misinterpret it anyway.
246
00:11:42,686 --> 00:11:45,453
So in the Bible,
Mary raises up a window
247
00:11:45,522 --> 00:11:47,600
to shield herself
from the donkey.
248
00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:51,359
And, as we know,
the biblical term
for donkey is ass.
249
00:11:51,427 --> 00:11:53,828
And who does not
shield themselves from
250
00:11:53,897 --> 00:11:57,164
but, in fact, embraces
inappropriate
dealings with asses?
251
00:11:57,233 --> 00:11:59,000
The homosexual fornicator.
252
00:11:59,068 --> 00:12:00,502
Seems like kind of a stretch.
253
00:12:00,570 --> 00:12:03,754
Looks like we've got ourselves
a homosexual fornicator
right here!
254
00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:07,125
And as Mary and Joseph
made their way to Bethlehem,
255
00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:11,162
three wise men were preparing
for a journey of their own.
256
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,176
Chris, did youget a haircut?I did.
257
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,481
I'm just noticing.
Looks nice.
258
00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:17,735
Hey, what's this?
259
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:22,907
Hey, you guys,
this says a King of Kings
will be born in Bethlehem,
260
00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:24,408
and we are to go
and pay tribute.
261
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,010
Hey, let me see that.
262
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,379
This says,
"Three Magi or Resident."
263
00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:30,481
I don't think they really care
if it's us.
264
00:12:30,534 --> 00:12:31,944
Yeah,
I don't want to go, either.
265
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:34,736
Hey, isn't your mother-in-law
visiting tomorrow?
266
00:12:34,804 --> 00:12:36,804
We're off to Bethlehem!
267
00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,709
♪ Wise men ♪
268
00:12:45,832 --> 00:12:47,899
Wow, I can't believe
we're already here.
269
00:12:47,967 --> 00:12:50,034
Yeah, it's amazing how small
the world is now
270
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:53,438
thanks to mules and camels.
You're anywhere,
just like that.
271
00:12:53,507 --> 00:12:57,392
Oh, my! You can really tell
we're in the big city now.
272
00:12:57,460 --> 00:12:58,871
Yeah, they got everything here.
273
00:12:58,895 --> 00:13:00,272
They got restaurants,
they got museums.
274
00:13:00,296 --> 00:13:01,779
They even got movies.
275
00:13:01,848 --> 00:13:04,849
Coming soon,get ready tostart seeing double!
276
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:07,669
It's Ben-Him and Ben-Her!
277
00:13:07,737 --> 00:13:09,938
Starring Adam Sandler and...
278
00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:11,505
Adam Sandler?
279
00:13:12,976 --> 00:13:15,342
Yoo-hoo, Benny!
280
00:13:15,411 --> 00:13:17,545
That's my brother
on that chariot!
281
00:13:17,614 --> 00:13:19,513
I'm driving here!
282
00:13:19,583 --> 00:13:21,032
Whoa!
283
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,270
Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
284
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:29,340
And introducing that joke!
285
00:13:29,408 --> 00:13:31,475
Ben-Him and Ben-Her!
286
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:34,078
Even Noah wouldn't
put these two together.
287
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:37,531
Cover your privates.
Everyone can coli-see-um!
288
00:13:41,304 --> 00:13:43,070
Meanwhile, the three wise men
289
00:13:43,139 --> 00:13:45,150
were making their way
across the desert.
290
00:13:45,174 --> 00:13:47,942
Hey, did you hear
they're coming out
with four more Commandments?
291
00:13:48,010 --> 00:13:50,711
Ugh, all that stuff does is
interfere with small business.
292
00:13:50,780 --> 00:13:54,782
Oh, no, we're out of water.
We gotta stop somewhere.
293
00:13:54,851 --> 00:13:56,584
Look.
That's King Herod's palace.
294
00:13:56,653 --> 00:13:58,652
Maybe we can get
water over there.
295
00:13:58,721 --> 00:14:01,100
Wow, look at that classy,
Middle Eastern house
296
00:14:01,124 --> 00:14:02,723
with gold and marble.
297
00:14:02,792 --> 00:14:05,432
People will always want to
live next to big
Middle Eastern houses
298
00:14:05,462 --> 00:14:06,710
with gold and marble.
299
00:14:07,864 --> 00:14:10,915
Ugh, I'm so bored.
How's the TV coming?
300
00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:13,785
We are a long way off.
301
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:17,822
Excuse me.
We are three wise men
on a long journey.
302
00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:19,568
Could we trouble you
for some water?
303
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:22,359
Sure. Not quite wise enough
to pack any, huh?
304
00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:23,945
So, what brings you to Judea?
305
00:14:24,013 --> 00:14:26,747
We're on our way to Bethlehem
to see a magic baby.
306
00:14:26,816 --> 00:14:30,284
Magic baby? What's he do,
card tricks,
rabbit in the hat?
307
00:14:30,353 --> 00:14:32,465
Would he let
someone in the audience
punch him in the stomach?
308
00:14:32,489 --> 00:14:34,049
I'd like to punch
a baby in the stomach.
309
00:14:34,073 --> 00:14:35,973
You can't punch this baby.
He's the messiah.
310
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:38,710
Yes, they're even calling him
the King of Kings.
311
00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:40,945
Yuck. He already
sounds like a dick.
312
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:43,681
Okay, then how about this?
I'm the King of King of Kings.
313
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,115
Ha! New name! Called it!
314
00:14:45,184 --> 00:14:47,285
Sounds like somebody's
a little threatened.
315
00:14:47,337 --> 00:14:49,348
No, I'm not. Would a guy
who feels threatened
316
00:14:49,372 --> 00:14:51,350
make sure all his advisors
are shorter than him?
317
00:14:51,374 --> 00:14:52,774
Ha! You said it, King!
318
00:14:52,842 --> 00:14:55,159
That's telling him!
Big guy!
319
00:14:55,211 --> 00:14:56,922
You know what?
Still, just to be safe,
320
00:14:56,946 --> 00:14:58,858
I should probably
kill that baby.
321
00:14:58,882 --> 00:15:01,015
Then Jodie Foster will love me.
322
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:06,904
Welcome to the Motel Shiksa.
323
00:15:06,973 --> 00:15:08,717
We won't leave
the light on for you,
324
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,719
because what, do I work
for the electric company?
325
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,823
Yes, we were wondering
if you had a room available?
326
00:15:12,862 --> 00:15:15,396
Sorry, we're all booked up.
Cher is in town.
327
00:15:15,465 --> 00:15:17,059
You won't find
a room in the city.
328
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,717
No room?
Joseph, what are we gonna do?
329
00:15:19,785 --> 00:15:21,763
Don't worry.
I got this covered.
330
00:15:21,787 --> 00:15:23,187
No rooms, eh?
331
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,889
Well, perhaps you have a room
for my good friend
332
00:15:25,958 --> 00:15:27,925
fistful of sand.
333
00:15:27,994 --> 00:15:29,059
Where's your money?
334
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:30,161
I spent it on sand.
335
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:31,929
I'm sorry, I can't help you.
336
00:15:31,998 --> 00:15:35,766
But, sir, please,
my wife is with child
and about to give birth.
337
00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:38,219
And I am with burrito
and about to do the same.
338
00:15:38,287 --> 00:15:42,323
Sir, if you don't leave now,
I'm gonna have to call IX-I-I.
339
00:15:42,391 --> 00:15:44,892
Yeah, we...
We did one of those earlier.
340
00:15:44,961 --> 00:15:47,441
Yours is better, though.
We probably should've waited
for yours.
341
00:15:48,998 --> 00:15:51,199
Joseph, my water just broke!
342
00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:52,916
It's time!
Oh, my God!
343
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:56,954
Please, you've gotta
have some place for us!
We're desperate!
344
00:15:57,023 --> 00:16:00,358
Well,
there's a manger out back.
You can stay there.
345
00:16:00,426 --> 00:16:02,426
That's fine, that's fine!
We'll take it!
346
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:04,528
Bethlehem!
347
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:06,364
I have one question for you!
348
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:11,568
♪ Do you believe
in life after love? ♪
349
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:14,005
Dah... See? I told you
she'd open with that.
350
00:16:19,946 --> 00:16:22,763
So Joseph and Mary
were turned away from the inn.
351
00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:24,360
But, Dad, I still
don't understand
352
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:26,024
the whole
Immaculate Conception thing.
353
00:16:26,052 --> 00:16:28,402
How can anyone get pregnant
without having sex?
354
00:16:28,471 --> 00:16:30,132
Oh, there's lots of
stories of that, Meg.
355
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,834
Cleveland's got a cousin
who had eight girlfriends
get pregnant,
356
00:16:32,858 --> 00:16:35,504
and he says
he's not responsible
for a single one.
357
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:39,263
Good guy. You shake his hand,
it feels like you're
touching a nice briefcase.
358
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:40,864
But back to our story.
359
00:16:45,454 --> 00:16:48,206
All right, here we are.
This seems pretty gross.
360
00:16:48,274 --> 00:16:51,409
I can't believe my baby's
gonna be the Son of God.
361
00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:54,445
Looks like all
those years fighting off
my own father's advances
362
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,414
have finally paid off.
363
00:16:56,482 --> 00:16:58,048
What shall we name him?
364
00:16:58,117 --> 00:16:59,662
Well, this is
kind of like a barn.
365
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:00,951
We could call him Barney.
366
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,253
Yeah, maybe.
367
00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:04,255
Or I kind of
always liked Tristan.
368
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,335
Oh, my God, you want him
to get the crap
beat out of him?
369
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,304
They will crucify him
with a name like that.
370
00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:10,294
No, no, no.
371
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:12,107
What are you doing?
How long you been there?
372
00:17:12,131 --> 00:17:14,098
Those names is no good.
373
00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:16,212
Look, why don't y'all
just give me a list,
374
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,619
I'll run 'em up to God,
and see if he picks one.
375
00:17:19,054 --> 00:17:21,255
No. No.
376
00:17:21,324 --> 00:17:23,135
That's the name of a champagne.
377
00:17:23,159 --> 00:17:24,592
No. No.
378
00:17:24,661 --> 00:17:26,560
Terrible.
These are all just terrible!
379
00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:29,997
Relax, God.
You want me to get y'all
some wine and cheeses?
380
00:17:30,065 --> 00:17:31,209
Wait, what'd you just say?
381
00:17:31,233 --> 00:17:33,534
Cheeses.
You want some cheeses?
382
00:17:35,822 --> 00:17:37,465
And that's why
you're allowed to eat
383
00:17:37,489 --> 00:17:40,257
as much mozzarella as you want
in any church.
384
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:45,196
So the three wise men set off
again on their journey.
385
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:46,509
You sure this is the right way?
386
00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:49,633
Yes, I'm sure.
We follow the star.
387
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:51,380
Are you sure that's a star?
388
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,003
We've had this conversation!
389
00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:54,572
Yes, it's a star!
390
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,185
It's got flashing red lights!
391
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:58,209
Oh, my God!
It is a fucking plane!
392
00:17:58,278 --> 00:18:00,238
I said that yesterday,
you stupid idiot!
393
00:18:02,898 --> 00:18:05,018
Hey, thanks for coming out
on such late notice, Doc.
394
00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:07,212
Oh, you don't
have to thank me.
This is a big deal.
395
00:18:07,236 --> 00:18:10,003
It's not every day that God
bestows a woman with his son.
396
00:18:10,072 --> 00:18:12,017
Has it ever happened before?
Yeah, once.
397
00:18:12,041 --> 00:18:16,210
But the woman drank
during her pregnancy.
The kid came out a real lemon.
398
00:18:16,279 --> 00:18:18,679
I turned this water into poo!
399
00:18:18,747 --> 00:18:19,780
Uh-huh.
400
00:18:19,848 --> 00:18:22,316
I also turned
this fish into poo!
401
00:18:22,385 --> 00:18:23,850
Ah.
402
00:18:23,919 --> 00:18:25,430
Do you want your
birthday present?
403
00:18:25,454 --> 00:18:27,721
I think I know what it is.
404
00:18:27,790 --> 00:18:30,157
It's a cashmere sweater.
405
00:18:30,226 --> 00:18:32,025
Oh, wow!
406
00:18:32,094 --> 00:18:34,261
That's actually really nice.
407
00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:36,611
And now it's poo!
408
00:18:41,371 --> 00:18:42,703
Well, here we are.
409
00:18:42,772 --> 00:18:45,473
Okay, guys, squeeze in.
Bible photographer.
410
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:49,744
Okay, we're smiling,
we're happy to see Jesus.
411
00:18:49,812 --> 00:18:51,579
There we go.
412
00:18:51,648 --> 00:18:53,380
Hey, guys,
watch your step in there.
413
00:18:53,449 --> 00:18:56,017
That floor's gonna be dripping
in virgin olive oil.
414
00:18:56,085 --> 00:18:57,765
That's kind of hot.
Gross.
415
00:18:58,438 --> 00:19:01,071
Hello,
we are the three wise men.
416
00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:03,341
We came here following a star.
417
00:19:03,409 --> 00:19:05,543
Those two statements
contradict each other.
418
00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:07,411
We also come bearing gifts.
419
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,746
I brought frankincense.
420
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:09,847
I brought myrrh.
421
00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:11,159
And I brought you a breast pump,
422
00:19:11,183 --> 00:19:13,518
which in these times
is just a guy.
423
00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:15,169
When do I start?
424
00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:16,837
Oh, he's coming!
425
00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:18,889
Oh, it hurts so bad!
426
00:19:18,957 --> 00:19:21,041
God, I hate
working on Christmas.
427
00:19:21,110 --> 00:19:22,793
Oh, here he comes.
428
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,932
And BC turns to AD!
429
00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:30,534
How's everybody doing?
430
00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:33,204
Oh, he's a miracle!
431
00:19:33,272 --> 00:19:35,150
Hey, if you're a virgin,
how come I shot out of there
432
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:37,074
like a greased-up cannonball?
433
00:19:37,143 --> 00:19:40,377
Greetings! I have come to see
the newborn king,
434
00:19:40,446 --> 00:19:42,630
but sadly, I bring no gift.
435
00:19:42,698 --> 00:19:44,309
Well, what do you got
in your hand there?
436
00:19:44,333 --> 00:19:45,899
Uh, my drum.
437
00:19:45,968 --> 00:19:47,946
Well, then it looks
like you got him a drum.
438
00:19:47,970 --> 00:19:49,147
Pretty good gift.
439
00:19:49,171 --> 00:19:50,537
But this is all I own.
440
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:52,906
It's what makes me
the little drummer boy.
441
00:19:52,975 --> 00:19:55,335
Yeah, the baby wants the drum.
442
00:19:55,845 --> 00:19:58,378
Yeah! Drum!
443
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:00,714
Okay, nobody touch my hair.
I'm growing it out.
444
00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:02,750
Also, I'm gonna start dieting
and working out
445
00:20:02,818 --> 00:20:05,152
so I'm like crazy lean
for the, you know,
446
00:20:05,220 --> 00:20:06,920
for...
For the thing.
447
00:20:06,989 --> 00:20:08,949
What the deuce?
448
00:20:10,693 --> 00:20:13,277
Bring out the Christ Child!
We want him!
449
00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:14,745
Uh-oh.
450
00:20:21,003 --> 00:20:25,238
I may have a virgin mom,
but I am one bad mother.
451
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,786
You guys get him!
You guys get him!
452
00:20:39,855 --> 00:20:41,455
I forgot something
at the palace!
453
00:20:46,362 --> 00:20:48,996
And that is the story of Jesus.
454
00:20:49,065 --> 00:20:50,715
That was awesome, Dad!
455
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:52,094
Oh, my God!
I just realized
456
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:54,619
that's the same Jesus
as the Jesus from church!
457
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:57,955
That's
a beautiful story, Peter,
about people coming together
458
00:20:58,024 --> 00:21:00,024
to form something
greater than themselves.
459
00:21:02,544 --> 00:21:03,844
Yes, can I help you?
460
00:21:03,913 --> 00:21:06,153
Hi. We're from out of town
and our car just broke down.
461
00:21:06,215 --> 00:21:08,115
My wife's in labor.
Can we use your phone?
462
00:21:08,184 --> 00:21:10,229
- What? No!
- Peter, who is it?
463
00:21:10,253 --> 00:21:12,586
Couple of freaking scumbags
working some scam,
464
00:21:12,654 --> 00:21:14,199
saying how they
want to use our phone.
465
00:21:14,223 --> 00:21:17,002
What? Do they want
all the presents
under the tree, too?
466
00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:18,103
Get rid of 'em!
467
00:21:18,127 --> 00:21:19,405
They're not gonna
do that, are they?
468
00:21:19,429 --> 00:21:21,695
Dad, shut the door,
it's freezing!
469
00:21:21,764 --> 00:21:23,463
Please, you've gotta help us!
470
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:26,377
You're lucky it's Christmas
or I'd call the cops
on you dirty grifters!
471
00:21:26,401 --> 00:21:28,361
Now you and your whore wife
get out of here!
472
00:21:30,239 --> 00:21:33,206
Peter,
you handled that perfectly.
473
00:21:33,275 --> 00:21:35,676
Merry Christmas, Lois.
474
00:21:35,745 --> 00:21:37,444
Please!
We're begging you!
475
00:21:37,513 --> 00:21:38,946
I'm getting the baseball bat.
37026
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
