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♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:08,173
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:11,643
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,880
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:18,250
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:21,436
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,505 --> 00:00:23,121
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,823
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:29,778
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:35,416
Charge!
11
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,687
Boy, what a great day
for a baseball game.
12
00:00:38,755 --> 00:00:39,966
Yeah, and these are
the best seats
13
00:00:39,990 --> 00:00:41,568
in the house for
catching home run balls.
14
00:00:41,592 --> 00:00:42,924
That'd be sweet.
15
00:00:42,993 --> 00:00:45,460
The only souvenir I ever got
was at that stock car race.
16
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:55,737
All right, I got the guy!
I got the guy.
17
00:00:58,858 --> 00:01:00,236
Man, I hate the Yankees.
18
00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:02,205
Yeah! You are all
villains to me
19
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:05,429
because I happen
to live in this region
of the country. Yeah!
20
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,445
What's going on?
Did I miss something?
21
00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:10,919
Nah, just some idiot
streaking across the field.
22
00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:14,089
Ha-ha. You're all
looking at my penis.
23
00:01:14,158 --> 00:01:17,059
You didn't plan on it,
but it's happening.
24
00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:23,181
Oh, man, these stadium
bathrooms are always
so disgusting.
25
00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:25,867
Look at that.
There's even a guy
taking a crap in the sink.
26
00:01:25,936 --> 00:01:28,870
Oh, the last guy
totally wrecked this sink.
27
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,218
Oh, cool.
Two spots opened up.
28
00:01:32,242 --> 00:01:36,711
You go ahead. I can wait.
I might wait for a stall.
29
00:01:36,780 --> 00:01:38,540
Oh, come on, Peter.
We're missing the game.
30
00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:44,236
Hey. Hi.
Hey.
31
00:01:44,304 --> 00:01:46,116
Damn it.
He already started.
32
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:48,251
If I don't start peeing soon,
it's gonna be weird.
33
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,286
He'll be all done,
and I'll still be here.
34
00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:52,310
Come on, Peter. Pee.
35
00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:53,689
Your dad fought in World War II,
36
00:01:53,713 --> 00:01:55,024
and you can't
even pee in a urinal?
37
00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:56,359
What the hell's wrong with you?
38
00:01:56,383 --> 00:01:57,863
All set?
Yup.
39
00:01:58,485 --> 00:01:59,984
I know you didn't go.
40
00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:02,637
I'm gonna go pee in a stairwell.
41
00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:07,091
Now batting for the Red Sox,
number 34, David Ortiz.
42
00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:08,893
Come on, Big Papi!
43
00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:12,130
It's coming straight for us!
44
00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:13,498
I got it, I got it!
45
00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:16,401
Mine! I got it! It's my ball.
46
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,437
Damn it, Brian!
That came to me!
That's my ball!
47
00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:21,656
What?
48
00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,091
Holy crap!
49
00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:36,355
Wow, I guess all this time,
Quagmire should've
been saying "wiggity."
50
00:02:36,423 --> 00:02:38,724
Ha!
No, but he is our friend.
51
00:02:43,047 --> 00:02:45,591
- And now it's time for the
- Channel Five Sports Report
52
00:02:45,615 --> 00:02:46,915
brought to you by Kia.
53
00:02:46,984 --> 00:02:49,184
Kia: Too bad it's a Kia.
54
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:50,586
A big day at Fenway today,
55
00:02:50,654 --> 00:02:53,154
as the Red Sox bested
the Yankees seven to six.
56
00:02:53,223 --> 00:02:55,101
But what really
has everyone talking
57
00:02:55,125 --> 00:02:57,503
is the fan who lost
his toupee at the game.
58
00:02:57,527 --> 00:02:58,972
The hilarious video already has
59
00:02:58,996 --> 00:03:01,174
over two million
views on YouTube.
60
00:03:01,198 --> 00:03:03,932
Comments ranged from sympathy
all the way to racial slurs
61
00:03:04,001 --> 00:03:06,078
directed at others
who chose to comment.
62
00:03:06,102 --> 00:03:08,970
Great, I'm a laughingstock.
What do I do?
63
00:03:09,039 --> 00:03:12,240
Come on, Quagmire.
It's not so bad.
You could kill yourself.
64
00:03:12,309 --> 00:03:13,808
Well, it's just a thought,
65
00:03:13,877 --> 00:03:16,173
but have you ever considered
just embracing your baldness?
66
00:03:16,197 --> 00:03:17,462
Yeah, Brian's right.
67
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,941
You know, there's lots of
big Hollywood celebrities
68
00:03:18,965 --> 00:03:20,510
who have gone bald with dignity.
69
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:24,369
John Travolta, David Spade,
Nicolas Cage, Jeremy Piven.
70
00:03:24,437 --> 00:03:26,082
And besides, don't you think
you'll be happier
71
00:03:26,106 --> 00:03:27,717
just being who you really are?
72
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,986
Maybe you're right.
What the hell.
73
00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:31,687
I mean, what other choice
do I have at this point?
74
00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:33,311
Everybody knows now anyway.
75
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:36,081
Great. Trust me.
Nobody's gonna
give you a hard time.
76
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:37,749
And even if they do,
just ignore them.
77
00:03:37,817 --> 00:03:39,685
That's what I do
with that weekend bully.
78
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,720
Hey, your weekend sucks!
79
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:45,523
I've already gone on
a hike and fixed a few
things around my house!
80
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,092
What are you doing?
81
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:50,000
Peter, who is that man?
I don't want
to talk about it.
82
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:55,416
Dad, there's a weird bald guy
out in front of our house.
83
00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:58,665
Oh, that's just Quagmire.
He's acting all different
now that he's bald.
84
00:03:58,689 --> 00:03:59,849
I'll go talk to him.
85
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:04,576
Hey, slow down!
Drive like hell,
you'll get there!
86
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,022
Quagmire, what the hell
are you doing?
87
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:07,690
I'm just letting all
these hot-rodders know
88
00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:10,715
that this is a neighborhood,
not a speedway track.
89
00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:14,152
Too fast, too fast!
Our children should
not have to live in fear!
90
00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:16,832
Okay, well, how come
you're not doing this
in front of your own house?
91
00:04:16,856 --> 00:04:19,402
Oh, my ham radio
interferes with
the radar gun.
92
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,504
Talked to a fella
in Papua New Guinea
last night.
93
00:04:21,528 --> 00:04:23,589
You should come by sometime
and join in the fun.
94
00:04:23,613 --> 00:04:25,446
Hello?
95
00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:27,015
Uh, hello?
96
00:04:27,084 --> 00:04:29,217
Are you bald?
Yeah.
97
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:36,107
Can I help you?
Well, I hope
you can, Sharon.
98
00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:39,344
I'd just like to
return this VHS copy
of Pete's Dragon.
99
00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:42,914
Watched, enjoyed and rewound.
100
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:45,862
Uh, there are a lot
of people waiting.
Is there anything else?
101
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,953
Uh, yes. Do you have
a garbage can back there?
102
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:51,022
I have the backings
to some Fruit Roll-Ups
I need to discard.
103
00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:53,391
I'm sorry. That's
for library trash only.
104
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,026
I understand. That's okay.
105
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:57,106
I'll just hold on to these
for the rest of the day.
106
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,531
It ain't easy being green, huh?
107
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:00,899
That's from a song.
108
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,111
Is that all?
Yeah.
109
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,368
Is there an age restriction
110
00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:05,770
for the sleight-of-hand
magic show this afternoon?
111
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,472
Twelve.
Oh...
112
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:10,041
Maybe I'll just
stand in the hallway
and look in.
113
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,610
Now, we all saw you put
your card back in the deck.
114
00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:16,081
So how did it end up
in your shirt pocket?
115
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:19,050
Oh, my God, how did he do that?
116
00:05:23,189 --> 00:05:24,856
Oh, no, there's Quagmire.
117
00:05:26,176 --> 00:05:27,742
He's been so weird lately.
118
00:05:27,811 --> 00:05:29,389
You notice now that he's bald,
119
00:05:29,413 --> 00:05:31,357
whenever he
thinks about something,
he scratches his wrist?
120
00:05:31,381 --> 00:05:33,915
Hey, Quagmire,
we got a pitcher.
You want a beer?
121
00:05:33,984 --> 00:05:35,450
Eh, I don't think so.
122
00:05:35,519 --> 00:05:37,530
I was planning on looking
at pictures of birds later,
123
00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:39,665
and I don't want to be
all fuzzy-headed for that.
124
00:05:39,689 --> 00:05:41,601
Listen, Quagmire,
we hate you now.
125
00:05:41,625 --> 00:05:43,125
Yeah, you used to be fun.
126
00:05:43,193 --> 00:05:45,171
Yeah, now you're always
either preparing
for a colonoscopy,
127
00:05:45,195 --> 00:05:47,340
or just coming back
from a colonoscopy.
128
00:05:47,364 --> 00:05:48,841
The fuck's going on down there?
129
00:05:48,865 --> 00:05:50,676
Well, that's what
we're trying to figure out.
130
00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:52,112
Come on, we want our buddy back.
131
00:05:52,136 --> 00:05:54,080
I'm not putting that
toupee on again, Peter,
132
00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,538
so I'm not sure
what you want me to do.
133
00:05:56,607 --> 00:05:58,084
You could get a hair transplant.
134
00:05:58,108 --> 00:05:59,508
Oh, yeah.
Like one of those guys
135
00:05:59,576 --> 00:06:00,976
pretending to get
out of the pool.
136
00:06:01,011 --> 00:06:02,555
That looks all right.
Yeah, come on, Quagmire.
137
00:06:02,579 --> 00:06:05,379
Get the hair transplant.
Come back to us.
138
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,293
You're right.
This isn't me.
139
00:06:07,317 --> 00:06:09,728
Baldness is for
women's crotches,
not men's heads.
140
00:06:09,752 --> 00:06:11,586
There you go,
that's pretty gross.
141
00:06:11,655 --> 00:06:13,254
Yeah, that's
the spirit, Quagmire.
142
00:06:13,323 --> 00:06:16,368
Oh, boy, listen,
thanks for putting up with
me the last couple weeks.
143
00:06:16,392 --> 00:06:19,710
Hey, no problem.
You put up with me
when I was barefoot guy.
144
00:06:19,779 --> 00:06:22,914
Boy, nothing like
a beer with the fellas, eh?
145
00:06:22,982 --> 00:06:24,593
Peter, would you mind
putting on some shoes?
146
00:06:24,617 --> 00:06:26,451
Oh, you mean foot prisons?
Yes, I would.
147
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,306
Glenn Quagmire?
148
00:06:32,375 --> 00:06:33,820
Why does that name
sound familiar?
149
00:06:33,844 --> 00:06:35,221
Oh, yeah, I treated
you for butt flu.
150
00:06:35,245 --> 00:06:36,911
Hey, you want to keep it down?
151
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:40,180
Easy now. That's my
privilege as a doctor
to talk about that stuff.
152
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:44,836
How's it going,
Dr. Kamada?
153
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:45,971
Bob!
154
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,740
Matty.
155
00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:50,575
Oh, hiya, Rachael.
156
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:52,376
Oh, hey, Dr. Geller.
157
00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:53,612
Sarah.
158
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:55,513
Jim.
159
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:56,781
Merianna.
160
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:59,216
Geez, Joe.
Yeah, I come here a lot.
161
00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:00,663
All right,
I'm gonna hit the john.
162
00:07:00,687 --> 00:07:03,099
Good. Me and Joe
can stay here
and tell secrets.
163
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,523
I'm wearing my dead
grandmother's panties.
164
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,605
I'm sorry to
have to tell you this,
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
165
00:07:09,629 --> 00:07:11,312
but the cancer is terminal.
166
00:07:11,381 --> 00:07:14,015
If you're lucky,
you've got two weeks to live.
167
00:07:14,084 --> 00:07:15,450
I understand.
168
00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:18,869
Oh, my God! Carter's dying?
169
00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:22,098
I now declare
this hair transplant
officially over!
170
00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:24,675
Hey, hey, hey!
171
00:07:24,744 --> 00:07:25,876
Hey, he's back!
172
00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:27,512
You look great, Quagmire.
173
00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:32,128
Oh, my God.
One of my patients
on Two has been shot.
174
00:07:37,507 --> 00:07:39,274
Hey, Stewie.
Um, hey, what's up?
175
00:07:39,342 --> 00:07:41,609
Were you...
Were you just
looking at Rollerblades?
176
00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:43,861
What? No. Yeah, who cares?
What do you want?
177
00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:45,730
Listen, I was at
the hospital earlier,
178
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,749
and I heard something
I wish I hadn't.
179
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:50,768
Oh. Please do not tell me
it was a sexist remark,
180
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,670
because that is not okay.
181
00:07:52,739 --> 00:07:54,951
You know, those nurses
are busting their asses,
182
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,092
weighing people
and seeing how tall they are.
183
00:07:57,177 --> 00:08:00,845
Stewie,
I heard a doctor tell Carter
he has two weeks to live.
184
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,564
What? Are you sure?
185
00:08:02,632 --> 00:08:04,098
I saw it with my own eyes.
186
00:08:04,167 --> 00:08:06,534
I gotta check this out.
187
00:08:06,603 --> 00:08:08,854
Oh, my God, you're right!
He looks awful.
188
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:12,557
Wait, how are we seeing this?
189
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:15,026
Oh, I've got a nanny cam
hidden inside his house.
190
00:08:15,094 --> 00:08:17,807
Watching him nail
his cleaning woman
is how I'm learning Spanish.
191
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:20,075
Although I'm not sure what
the Spanish word "no" means,
192
00:08:20,099 --> 00:08:21,443
because it doesn't seem to mean
193
00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:23,078
the same thing as it does here.
194
00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:25,414
And the worst part is,
I don't think Lois
even knows he's sick.
195
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:28,105
Oh, this is going
to destroy her!
196
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,285
Just thinking about it
makes me all giddy,
197
00:08:30,309 --> 00:08:32,727
like a group of women
ordering dessert.
198
00:08:32,795 --> 00:08:34,895
And then we have
a chocolate, chocolate cake
199
00:08:34,964 --> 00:08:37,110
that's infused
with chocolate served
with chocolate ice cream
200
00:08:37,134 --> 00:08:38,611
and a molten chocolate topping.
201
00:08:38,635 --> 00:08:40,480
We'll have one of those
with four spoons.
202
00:08:40,504 --> 00:08:43,070
More like four of those
with one spoon for me!
203
00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:57,903
Oh, hi, Brian.
Hey, Lois.
204
00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:00,238
Listen, I have something
I need to tell you,
205
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,690
but it might be
difficult for you to hear.
206
00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:05,109
What is it?
Lois,
207
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:07,528
I think your father
is dying.
What?
208
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:09,747
Ha!
209
00:09:09,816 --> 00:09:11,661
Brian, what are you
talking about?
210
00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:13,918
Well, yesterday at the hospital,
211
00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:16,187
I heard a doctor
tell him he has cancer,
212
00:09:16,255 --> 00:09:17,966
and that he has
two weeks to live.
213
00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:20,892
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Daddy!
214
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,695
Yeah, I feel
really horrible for you,
and I hate to do this,
215
00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:27,399
but I'm trying to
catch a 4:50 movie,
and it's, like, 4:40 now,
216
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:30,402
and so if I'm gonna make it,
I have to leave, like, now.
217
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,741
Yeah, this stinks,
218
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:39,444
but I've already
blown this guy off,
like, twice, so...
219
00:09:44,534 --> 00:09:46,278
I've been trying to call
my parents all day,
220
00:09:46,302 --> 00:09:47,713
and I can't get ahold of them.
221
00:09:47,737 --> 00:09:49,637
Mom, is Grandpa gonna die?
222
00:09:49,706 --> 00:09:52,807
No, Chris,
God's gonna help him,
and he's gonna get better.
223
00:09:52,875 --> 00:09:55,894
He is gonna die, Chris,
and there is no God.
224
00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:58,046
Meg, stop being
truthful with your brother.
225
00:09:58,114 --> 00:10:00,381
I'll tell you,
this obituary came out great.
226
00:10:00,450 --> 00:10:03,784
"Carter
Pewterschmidt died today
of the disease cancer.
227
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:06,954
"In lieu of flowers,
please send carnival
rides to Peter Griffin
228
00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:09,023
"at 31 Spooner Street."
229
00:10:09,092 --> 00:10:12,210
If we get just one ride
out of this, it will have
been a success.
230
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,400
Lois? What are
you doing here?
231
00:10:19,435 --> 00:10:23,504
Mom, I've been trying
to get ahold of you.
Is Daddy okay? Where is he?
232
00:10:23,573 --> 00:10:26,574
Oh, he's fine, dear,
but now's not a good time.
233
00:10:26,642 --> 00:10:28,042
He's very busy.
234
00:10:28,111 --> 00:10:30,912
Look, I know
something's going on.
I want to see him.
235
00:10:33,783 --> 00:10:35,550
Daddy?
236
00:10:35,618 --> 00:10:37,402
Well, look who's here!
237
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,270
Daddy! You're okay!
238
00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:41,250
Of course I'm okay!
Why wouldn't I be?
239
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,169
Well, Brian said you were dying!
240
00:10:43,193 --> 00:10:44,759
And I finished a book!
241
00:10:44,828 --> 00:10:48,462
I promised myself
I'd work that in.
I might've jumped the gun.
242
00:10:48,531 --> 00:10:49,731
I didn't finish it.
243
00:10:49,799 --> 00:10:51,959
I'm so glad you're all right.
244
00:10:52,001 --> 00:10:54,568
Brian, how could you get us
all worked up like that?
245
00:10:54,637 --> 00:10:55,937
Yeah, shame on you!
246
00:10:56,005 --> 00:10:57,772
Oh, you're gonna get it, Brian.
247
00:10:57,841 --> 00:10:59,540
You are gonna
get it when I drink.
248
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:02,493
What the hell's going on?
249
00:11:02,562 --> 00:11:04,006
Last night,
Carter was on his deathbed,
250
00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:05,441
and now he looks
better than he ever did.
251
00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:07,410
Well, they say laughter
is the best medicine.
252
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:09,433
Maybe he went to
a comedy club or something.
253
00:11:11,021 --> 00:11:13,321
In my neighborhood,
we didn't have no Kool-Aid.
254
00:11:13,390 --> 00:11:15,156
We had food coloring and water.
255
00:11:15,225 --> 00:11:17,669
Mama used to
call it "Fool-Aid."
256
00:11:17,693 --> 00:11:19,027
No, I don't get that.
257
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,839
And everybody had an Uncle Earl.
258
00:11:20,863 --> 00:11:22,341
You know,
that uncle that sit around
259
00:11:22,365 --> 00:11:23,809
in the house all day
in his under-drawers
260
00:11:23,833 --> 00:11:25,499
saying he between jobs.
261
00:11:25,568 --> 00:11:29,203
To be between jobs,
you had to have had
a job in the first place!
262
00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:30,582
That's accurate!
263
00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:33,408
And Earl got that cell phone.
He on the Sprint plan.
264
00:11:33,476 --> 00:11:35,410
When the bill come, he sprint.
265
00:11:35,478 --> 00:11:38,062
Yes! So many of them
are delinquent in payment.
266
00:11:43,135 --> 00:11:45,587
Rupert, move your legs.
I can see your balls.
267
00:11:45,655 --> 00:11:47,567
Stewie, this is
gonna sound crazy,
268
00:11:47,591 --> 00:11:50,002
but I have a theory
about what's
going on with Carter.
269
00:11:50,026 --> 00:11:51,971
Really? What is it?
Well, think about it.
270
00:11:51,995 --> 00:11:55,129
If Carter Pewterschmidt,
the dynamic chairman
of Pewterschmidt Industries,
271
00:11:55,198 --> 00:11:58,466
were to fall ill or
even die, the stock price
would plummet.
272
00:11:58,535 --> 00:11:59,779
I don't want you to
think I'm not listening,
273
00:11:59,803 --> 00:12:01,848
but when's Christmas?
Not for a while.
274
00:12:01,872 --> 00:12:03,032
But what I'm saying is,
275
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:05,523
I think Carter is sick
or possibly even dead,
276
00:12:05,591 --> 00:12:07,904
and that the man
we saw today
was an imposter
277
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:10,606
brought in to keep
Pewterschmidt Industries'
stock price up
278
00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,408
and to keep people
from knowing the truth.
279
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:13,876
Boy, you are just
gonna keep on talking
280
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,811
with that poppy seed
stuck in your teeth,
aren't you?
281
00:12:15,835 --> 00:12:18,014
Anyway, what are
you suggesting?
We can follow him,
282
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:19,270
see if he's really Carter.
283
00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:20,716
Okay, but I got to be
home by 7:00.
284
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,051
I'm supposed to
talk to the police
285
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,395
about that shooting I witnessed.
286
00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:27,923
Good Lord, are you all right?
287
00:12:27,947 --> 00:12:32,583
If I die, leave two dollars'
worth of flowers right here.
288
00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:34,852
Here's my fourth
grade class photo.
289
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:37,087
Lean it against a cheap candle.
290
00:12:37,156 --> 00:12:38,356
Should I call an ambulance?
291
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:40,257
No. Call Channel Nine.
292
00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:44,829
And have a gap-toothed
woman say, quote,
"He never bothered nobody."
293
00:12:49,168 --> 00:12:50,780
Okay, if this guy
is an imposter,
294
00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:53,516
he's gonna have to do
everything Carter
normally does.
295
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,518
We just have to wait
and see if he slips up.
296
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:56,742
All right, here he comes now.
297
00:13:02,899 --> 00:13:03,942
All right, Stu,
now, if we can just...
298
00:13:03,966 --> 00:13:05,466
No.
What?
299
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:07,768
You know what you did.
300
00:13:07,837 --> 00:13:09,448
Hey, wait a minute.
If this is an imposter,
301
00:13:09,472 --> 00:13:11,772
then this guy we're following
never had cancer.
302
00:13:11,841 --> 00:13:13,686
Yeah, so?
Well, you're a dog.
303
00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,109
Can't you just sniff cancer?
304
00:13:15,178 --> 00:13:16,689
No, that's just a myth
we started
305
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:19,130
so we could stick our
snouts in girls' boobs.
306
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:21,043
It's nice to have
a clean bill of health.
307
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:24,302
Well, for now.
The key is weekly follow-ups.
308
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:26,604
You know, cervical cancer
is also a problem.
309
00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:28,617
My boyfriend thinks
he might have
prostate cancer.
310
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:29,657
Nope, doesn't.
311
00:13:35,831 --> 00:13:37,331
Okay, now we've got him.
312
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,378
The real Carter would
never go to a Starbucks.
313
00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:41,802
He thinks they're too
liberal and pretentious.
314
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:45,489
Coffee for Brent.
315
00:13:47,593 --> 00:13:49,627
Latte for Cecil.
316
00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:53,258
Beanie?
317
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:54,710
None of those people are real.
318
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:57,446
I'm stealing all
your sugar packets
and napkins.
319
00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:59,637
Woodstock's over, assholes.
320
00:14:11,134 --> 00:14:13,234
Wow. You certainly
look a lot better
321
00:14:13,303 --> 00:14:15,336
than that walking
corpse I saw last week.
322
00:14:15,405 --> 00:14:18,217
Well, no one's ever
gonna see that again,
I can promise you that.
323
00:14:18,241 --> 00:14:20,018
I can't stress
how important it is
324
00:14:20,042 --> 00:14:21,787
our secret be
kept from the public.
325
00:14:21,811 --> 00:14:23,244
I understand, sir.
326
00:14:23,313 --> 00:14:27,147
And I assure you
that Specimen Z
is secure on level 12.
327
00:14:27,216 --> 00:14:28,449
Did you hear that, Brian?
328
00:14:28,518 --> 00:14:31,318
That "walking corpse"
was Carter dying of cancer.
329
00:14:31,387 --> 00:14:32,753
This guy is an imposter.
330
00:14:32,822 --> 00:14:34,121
Oh, my God.
331
00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:37,308
And I bet Specimen Z
is the real Carter's body.
332
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,937
You two didn't
hear that, did you?
333
00:14:38,978 --> 00:14:41,523
Hey, buddy,
we're just trying to
read the paper here.
334
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,259
I'll have you fired
for talking to me like that.
335
00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:44,483
I don't work here.
336
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,831
- Then I'll have you killed.
- I want to die.
337
00:14:47,504 --> 00:14:49,170
I hated that guy back there.
338
00:14:52,609 --> 00:14:54,725
Okay, this is level 12.
339
00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:58,112
There's the lab.
Let's get in there
and find Carter's body.
340
00:14:58,181 --> 00:14:59,881
Oh, crap, there's a keypad.
341
00:14:59,949 --> 00:15:01,994
We're just gonna have to try
and figure out the code.
342
00:15:02,018 --> 00:15:05,252
When's his birthday?
I think it's in March.
343
00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,922
Stewie, are you crazy?
That's so loud.
The guards will hear.
344
00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:09,035
Don't worry about it, Brian.
345
00:15:09,059 --> 00:15:11,159
Hey, what's going on down there?
346
00:15:11,227 --> 00:15:12,459
Nothing.
347
00:15:12,528 --> 00:15:14,812
All right.
348
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,458
All right, now,
where would they keep
a dead body
349
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:18,165
in a pharmaceutical lab?
350
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:19,517
Brian, look.
351
00:15:21,153 --> 00:15:22,620
That's it.
I bet he's in there.
352
00:15:33,116 --> 00:15:34,849
Oh, my God!
353
00:15:34,918 --> 00:15:37,151
Specimen Z isn't Carter's body.
354
00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:40,821
What is it?
Specimen Z is
a cure for cancer.
355
00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:45,693
Carter didn't die.
He cured himself.
356
00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:47,689
Hold it right there.
357
00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:51,115
Damn it, Brian.
You broke into my lab.
And you didn't wear a suit.
358
00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:53,484
Hey, why didn't he
have to wear a suit?
359
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:54,852
See what you've started now?
360
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:02,710
Carter, you found
a cure for cancer?
361
00:16:02,779 --> 00:16:03,956
Well, I didn't come up with it.
362
00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:05,657
A couple of
eggheads I hired did.
363
00:16:05,681 --> 00:16:07,648
One of them's a Chinese.
364
00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:09,328
Boy, I don't like those people.
365
00:16:09,352 --> 00:16:11,869
But holy crap,
wind them up
and watch them go.
366
00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:13,454
How long have you had this?
367
00:16:13,523 --> 00:16:16,073
I don't know. When was that
Who Let the Dogs Out? song?
368
00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:18,375
You've had this since 1999?
369
00:16:18,444 --> 00:16:20,589
You know when
Who Let the Dogs Out?
came out?
370
00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,613
It's a song about dogs
and letting them out.
371
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:24,765
I could have you arrested
for breaking in here.
372
00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:27,396
Carter, you've
discovered the holy grail
of modern medicine.
373
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,531
Why the hell would you
keep it buried like this?
374
00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:30,637
I'll tell you why.
375
00:16:30,706 --> 00:16:32,151
Because there's far more
money to be made
376
00:16:32,175 --> 00:16:34,175
in treating a disease
than in curing it.
377
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:36,043
Why cure someone
of cancer in a day
378
00:16:36,112 --> 00:16:37,289
if we can treat
them for a lifetime
379
00:16:37,313 --> 00:16:39,364
and bill them every
step along the way?
380
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:40,765
What? That's insane.
381
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:43,534
Brian, it's so cold in here,
look how big my nips are.
382
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,636
They're almost like a woman's.
383
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:48,717
Oh, look, I'm tugging
at them and they're
getting even bigger.
384
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,486
Carter, what you're
doing here is criminal,
385
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,221
and I'm gonna tell
the whole world about it.
386
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:55,045
Is that right?
Who's gonna believe you?
The Internet?
387
00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:57,915
You'll be just
another nut-job,
left-wing blogger.
388
00:16:57,983 --> 00:16:59,950
- Security!
- Everything's fine.
389
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,252
No, it isn't. Get in here.
390
00:17:03,238 --> 00:17:05,372
Damn it!
You bastards!
391
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:07,218
I don't know why you're
surprised by this, Brian.
392
00:17:07,242 --> 00:17:09,220
Big corporations
never tell the truth.
393
00:17:09,244 --> 00:17:10,978
Look at the Kleenex industry.
394
00:17:11,047 --> 00:17:12,424
Well, we had
another good quarter.
395
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:14,559
I guess a lot of people
are sneezing out there.
396
00:17:14,583 --> 00:17:18,419
Jerry, I'm going to
let you in on something,
and it can't leave this room.
397
00:17:18,487 --> 00:17:21,889
Our research
shows the primary use
of our product is sperm.
398
00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:24,369
What?
Yeah, and brace
yourself for this.
399
00:17:24,393 --> 00:17:27,195
The second biggest use
is women crying
about nonsense.
400
00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:28,340
But I thought sneezing was...
401
00:17:28,364 --> 00:17:30,932
Jerry, Jerry,
it's sperm and nonsense.
402
00:17:33,869 --> 00:17:36,715
I can't believe Carter
would sacrifice
millions of lives
403
00:17:36,739 --> 00:17:38,384
just to protect
corporate profits.
404
00:17:38,408 --> 00:17:39,873
Well, don't be too upset.
405
00:17:39,942 --> 00:17:43,060
Old Stewie here
snagged a little
souvenir on his way out.
406
00:17:43,129 --> 00:17:45,495
Oh, my God, Stewie.
You got the cancer cure.
407
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,097
How'd you manage to steal it?
408
00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:50,134
It was easy.
I just took it while you guys
were yammering on.
409
00:17:50,202 --> 00:17:53,220
I swear,
I felt like I was waiting
for Lois to get off the phone.
410
00:17:53,289 --> 00:17:56,123
That is amazing.
All right, Bonnie.
411
00:17:56,192 --> 00:17:58,159
Well, it was good
talking to you.
412
00:17:58,227 --> 00:18:01,929
No way. She did?
When did she say that?
413
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:05,566
You know what?
That doesn't surprise me.
That's how she is.
414
00:18:05,634 --> 00:18:11,338
Okay, then.
Okay. Okay. Okay. All right,
I'll see you Tuesday.
415
00:18:12,308 --> 00:18:14,909
Oh, no. What happened?
416
00:18:14,977 --> 00:18:19,546
That's terrible.
Oh, my God, just awful.
417
00:18:19,615 --> 00:18:21,448
Well, you give them my best.
418
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:25,019
Okay, I got to go.
Stewie and I are
headed out to the beach.
419
00:18:25,088 --> 00:18:27,988
Oh, I didn't tell you?
He's learning to swim.
420
00:18:28,057 --> 00:18:31,892
Oh, I got him
the cutest swim trunks.
At Kohl's.
421
00:18:31,961 --> 00:18:35,662
You've never been to Kohl's?
Well, let me tell you
about Kohl's.
422
00:18:37,066 --> 00:18:39,178
All right, well, you know
the mall with the Chili's?
423
00:18:39,202 --> 00:18:40,267
It's across the street.
424
00:18:41,437 --> 00:18:43,170
Bonnie?
Bonnie, are you there?
425
00:18:43,239 --> 00:18:45,199
- What happened?
- Let's go!
426
00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:50,761
Oh, there you two are.
427
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:52,608
Lois, there's
something incredible
I have to tell you.
428
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,876
And there's
something incredible
I have to show you.
429
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:57,220
I learned how to
do a somersault.
430
00:18:58,605 --> 00:18:59,921
Did I do it?
431
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,606
There he is.
Crap.
432
00:19:04,210 --> 00:19:06,177
Daddy?
What's going on here?
433
00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:09,180
Brian here has
stolen something
very important from me.
434
00:19:09,248 --> 00:19:11,415
Give it to me, Brian.
435
00:19:11,467 --> 00:19:13,367
Lois, your father
has a cure for cancer,
436
00:19:13,436 --> 00:19:15,556
but he won't release it
because it's not profitable.
437
00:19:15,604 --> 00:19:16,987
So I stole it.
438
00:19:17,056 --> 00:19:18,755
Daddy, is this true?
439
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:19,990
Yeah. So what?
440
00:19:20,059 --> 00:19:22,070
So I found the cure for cancer
and didn't announce it.
441
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:23,560
Big deal.
I also took a dump today
442
00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:25,073
and didn't issue
a press release.
443
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:27,137
Oh, that's interesting,
because I did.
444
00:19:27,266 --> 00:19:28,565
Good for Peter.
445
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:31,002
It's about time the media
covered something positive.
446
00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:33,904
Daddy, you're the chairman
of a billion dollar company.
447
00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:35,584
You've got more
money than anyone
448
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,219
could ever spend
in one lifetime.
449
00:19:37,243 --> 00:19:39,877
Are you challenging me
to a Brewster's Millions?
450
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:41,990
Is money all
that you care about?
451
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,348
What if somebody
close to you got cancer?
452
00:19:44,416 --> 00:19:46,428
What if the maid who raised you
453
00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:49,372
'cause your parents were
too wealthy and busy
got cancer?
454
00:19:49,421 --> 00:19:51,055
You mean Mamie?
Yeah.
455
00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:52,607
What if Mamie got cancer?
456
00:19:52,675 --> 00:19:54,308
Mamie's not getting cancer!
457
00:19:54,377 --> 00:19:55,876
Or how about one of us?
458
00:19:55,944 --> 00:19:59,813
What if I got
cancer or, God forbid,
one of your grandchildren?
459
00:19:59,882 --> 00:20:03,767
For once in your life,
do the right thing.
460
00:20:03,836 --> 00:20:06,337
All right, pumpkin.
I'll do it.
461
00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:07,821
I'll do it for you.
462
00:20:07,890 --> 00:20:09,807
You will? You promise?
463
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:12,409
Yes. I'll make
the announcement tomorrow.
464
00:20:12,478 --> 00:20:16,613
Oh, Daddy.
Thank you so much.
You're my hero.
465
00:20:16,682 --> 00:20:18,549
Oh, that's her father?
466
00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:24,499
Good afternoon.
I'm Tom Tucker.
467
00:20:24,523 --> 00:20:26,068
Our top story,
a big announcement
468
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:28,332
out of Pewterschmidt
Pharmaceuticals today.
469
00:20:30,579 --> 00:20:31,991
Company chairman
Carter Pewterschmidt
470
00:20:32,015 --> 00:20:33,959
released a statement
announcing the launch
471
00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:37,518
of a deodorant forthe developmentallydisabled called Slow Stick.
472
00:20:37,586 --> 00:20:42,023
It's also ediblebecause, you know,those people don't...
473
00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:45,108
Don't know... And now sports.
474
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:48,946
That's it? What the hell?
Where's the cancer
cure announcement?
475
00:20:49,014 --> 00:20:51,315
That son of a bitch
went back on his word.
476
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:55,263
Hello?
Daddy.
477
00:20:55,287 --> 00:20:58,522
We're all sitting
here in front of the TV
awaiting the big announcement.
478
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:01,236
Remember the one
that's gonna
benefit all mankind?
479
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:04,227
The one you promised
to make for me, your daughter?
480
00:21:04,296 --> 00:21:05,796
I lied.
481
00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:08,699
Lois,
you can't stay mad at him.
He's rich and successful.
482
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:10,312
It doesn't excuse what he did.
483
00:21:10,336 --> 00:21:11,535
It'll be fine.
484
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,838
He'll just do a magazine cover
with a wink to who he is,
485
00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:15,005
and all will be forgiven.
486
00:21:17,576 --> 00:21:19,043
Oh, Daddy.
487
00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:22,071
I know.
If he's such a bad guy,
why's he on a magazine?
38499
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