All language subtitles for Family Guy - S11E02 - Ratings Guy (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Oh, Stewie, how exciting.
Your first visit to
a real fire station.

Yeah, you kids always
loved your first trip
to the fire station.

You remember when we took Meg?

Welcome to the
Quahog Fire
Department, folks.

I'm Captain Beckman.

Let me know if you have
any questions that
I can answer for you.

What's up, nerds?

You waiting for some
guy to fall asleep
with a cigarette?

Lazy fire turds.

Have another donut, pig.

We got guns.
You got hoses.

See you on the softball field.

Over here is our kitchen,
where we make all our meals.

And upstairs is where we sleep.

What about your
wives and families?

Sometimes we don't see them
for long periods of time.

Well, that sounds
awfully lonely.

Like being an NBA
player on the road.

Baby, I miss my wife so much.

Thanks for understanding
that we can't do anything.

I just want to cuddle.

Oh, you're so sweet.

I'm just doing
what a man should do.

Respecting the sacred
institution of marriage.

And now, straight to sleep.

This message
brought to you by the NBA.

Let's all pretend this happens.

Hey, Chris, you think
it's safe to drink
from a fire hose?

Why not, Dad?
It's just water.

All right. Well, turn it on.
I'm very thirsty.

Nice job, Chris.
You got my shirt wet.

Now, few people realize
that until 1928,
there were no hoses,

and you actually
had to fight fires
with your bare hands.

I will now give a demonstration.

Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh?

Oh, my God,
the fire's got a gun.

What the fuck was that?

Come on, Stewie.
We're going.
Just a moment, Brian.

I'm pretending I'm a fireman.

I love playing pretend.

My name's Peter and
I work in the brewery.

Now I'm gonna put on
my pants and go talk
to my coworkers at...

These pants have stool in them.

Well, I hope everyone
had a fun afternoon
at the firehouse.

I sure did, Mom.
I can't wait for the
next family outing.

Oh, thanks, Mike.
I hate fire stations.

No problem, man.

Is that alcohol on your breath?

Yeah, maybe.

You're playing this
too fast and loose, Mike.

Ooh, ooh,
is that the mail?
Yeah.

Is there anything
in there for me?

I want to see if
there's a response

to all those fan letters
I've been writing.

"Dear Cary Elwes,

"I have been meaning to
contact you for some time.

"I have never been able to
figure out if you are famous.

"You were a big deal
in one thing,

"but you were wearing
a mask for most of it.

"Do you consider your career
a disappointment?

"Or rather, did you exceed
your own expectations?

"Yours truly, Peter Griffin.

"P.S. You were in
Robin Hood: Men in Tights.

"Did you know that?"

Hey, there's something here
from the Nielsen Company.

"Dear Griffin family,

"you have been
specially selected

"from amongst millions
of American households

"to be a Nielsen family.

"And as such,
to have your TV
viewing habits monitored

"in order to measure
television ratings."

Oh, kids, this
came all the way
from Delaware.

What does all that mean?

Well, Meg,
it sounds like they
want us to be part of

a select group of
people that helps
determine what's on TV.

We're gonna be
a Nielsen family?
That's awesome.

I think, uh...

I think that's the wrong music.

There you go.

Now, this Nielsen box
will keep track of
everything you watch,

which helps us generalize
the viewing habits

of millions of Americans.

Oh, yes.

And what was that beginning,
middle and end part again?

Um, this Nielsen box
will keep track of
everything you watch,

which helps us generalize
the viewing habits

of millions of Americans.

Is there any way
you can describe
that to me

using colorful
puppets of some sort?

The Nielsen box
will monitor your
viewing habits.

I don't like
the left puppet.
His chin is scary.

Well, thanks for
your cooperation.

If you have any questions,
please call me.

And welcome to
the Nielsen family.

Thank you very much.

Well, isn't this exciting.

I know. I can't believe
we're a Nielsen family.

I never get picked for anything.

All right, everyone.
Time to do
our Nielsen duty.

So, what are we gonna watch?

Boobs.
Project Runway.

The Good Wife.
That black version
of our show.

You know, guys,
this is a
real opportunity

to promote quality programming.

I think we should watch PBS.

Yeah, you're real
passionate about PBS.

You donated once
five years ago and
they sent you a mug.

And now the mug's
so old that the "P"
has been worn off

so it just says "BS,"
which is so fucking apt.

Tom Tucker?
What are you
doing here?

Well, I heard you're
the new Nielsen family.

Just hoping you
plan to watch the
Channel Five news.

I don't know.
I've missed so many.

It's gonna take me
forever to catch up.

Well, we'd sure love
to have you as a viewer.

Is there anything we can do
to make the news
more appealing to you?

Maybe.

I guess you could
lose the moustache.

Lose my moustache?

Well, gosh, I don't know.

My birthmark makes
it kind of tough.

Always caused me
problems at my old job.

And that'll do it
for us here at
Channel 12 News.

Make sure you turn
those clocks ahead.
Good night, St. Louis.

Yeah, I don't know,

I was never
that crazy about
the moustache.

Well, I suppose
I could lose it and
just use more makeup.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

And maybe a festive
hat would make
things more festive.

All right, this is good.
Any other suggestions?

Yeah, can you end each show

by trying to pull-start
a very cold chain saw?

Well, that shouldn't
be a problem.

All right, thank you
for being so candid.

Hey, thanks for listening.

I know how hard it
is to take criticism.

Hey, nice boots, Griffin.

They sell men's shoes
where you got those?

You made a commitment
to these boots, Peter.

These boots are the new you,
and no one will shake that.

Yee-haw, ride 'em, cowgirl.

Okay, you can take
the boots off at lunch.

Go to the gym. Have a workout.
Come back in your sneakers.

If anyone asks,
you forgot the boots
in your locker.

Just make it to lunch.

Those boots are
made for walkin'.

Up to guys' butts.

Hey, fellas.
Hey.

Good evening, Quahog.

Tonight, Channel Five
mourns the loss of
a dear colleague.

My moustache.

And as per the wishes
of my moustache,

his ashes were sprinkled
off the coast of Acapulco,

where he was born.

Well, that'll do it for us here.

Thanks for watching
Channel Five, the most
trusted name in news.

Oh, crap.

Oh, come on.

Ugh, let's go, Tom.

Work, damn it.

What the hell?
What's going on
with the news?

This is terrible.

Yeah, has he lost his mind?

Well, I'll be damned.

If I knew he was gonna do
all that stuff I told him,

I would've told him more stuff.

What? Peter,
you told him
to do this crap?

Yeah, he came to my house

when he found out
I was a
Nielsen family.

Asked what I wanted to see.

Hey, hey,
you know what
would be cool?

If he did the news
with a family
of prairie dogs,

and whenever he
said something sad,

they'd pop
their heads up,
all concerned.

Peter, you sure
that's such a good idea?

People rely on the local news to

provide them with
several stories a year

on how saltwater taffy is made.

Yeah, if you're
a Nielsen family,

it seems like you should maybe

be a little
more thoughtful
with your choices.

What are you talking about?
I'm just having a little fun.

For God's sakes,
I've just been handed

the coolest freaking
toy on the planet.

Well, you know, except for
Hungry Hungry Alec Baldwins.

Hey, I'm not even
touching the lever.

Chilling news from
Long Island Sound,

as a four-passenger prop plane
on its way to East Hampton

spun into the surf
off Montauk Point.

There were no survivors.

Oh, that's so great,
I just called him
on the way home.

Peter, I'm not
sure this is
entirely responsible.

I don't see what
the big deal is.

I was just trying to
make the show better.

Hell, I wish I could do
it with all the shows.

Yeah, well, you only
have one Nielsen box.

You don't have the clout
to affect national shows.

Damn it.

I guess that means
I'll never get to see
an episode of Superman

where Clark Kent
and Lois Lane
finally get together.

Lois, I love you,

and I want there
to be no more
secrets between us.

I am Superman.

Oh, my God.

The only thing that can
kill me is kryptonite.

Or latex.

Or lambskin.

What about polyurethane?

All that.
All that stuff.

Hi, folks.
Just thought
I'd stop by

and make sure
your equipment is
working properly

and see if you
have any questions.

Yeah, is something
wrong with our remote?

No matter how low
I turn the volume,

Aziz Ansari is
always shouting at me.

What did I do?

Thank you.
I think we're good.

Everything seems
to be going well.

Okay, great.

Well, I'm just gonna
change out the card
on your unit real quick,

and I'll be on my way.

Well, we're all set.
Thanks for your time.

No, thank you, pal.

And hey, you've
been working hard.

Why don't you
take the rest
of the day off?

Here's two tickets
to Sandra Bernhard's
one-woman show.

Wow, thanks.
Yeah, and they're
great seats.

They're right in
the gap of her teeth.

Social media?

More like a social disease.

Ha! That's funny.

Peter, what the hell's
going on here?

Lois, we're no longer
one Nielsen family.

We're 100.
More boxes,
more power.

And I got some ideas
to make TV better.

Hello, Mad Men
production office.

Yeah, Peter Griffin here.

Could I speak
with Jon Hamm,
please?

One moment.

Hello?
Hello, Jon Hamm?

Peter Griffin, Nielsen family.

Listen, did I catch
you at a good time,

or are you and the critics busy

yanking each other
off right now?

Excuse me?
Look, your show
is really boring.

But don't worry,
I got some ideas on how
you can jazz it up.

Listen, I don't need
your suggestions, pal.

I've been a big celebrity
for a year and a half now.

Okay, if that's
how you're gonna be.

We'll see how this plays out.

Lois, we're not
watching Mad Men
no more.

Hello?
Look, I may have
been a little rash.

Our ratings have dropped 50%.

Whatever suggestions
you have, I'll listen.

And so, gentlemen,
in baseball, three
strikes and you're out.

But three Lucky Strikes...

And you're in.

Nice try, Don.

But I'm afraid we're
going to have to take
our business elsewhere.

Oh? I don't think so.

What the hell was that?

I'll tell you
what it was, Lois.
It was awesome.

And wait till you
see Breaking Bad.

I don't know what
it was, but now
it's on roller skates.

Hi, NBC, this is Peter Griffin.

Listen, you guys
are doing a great job.

If anybody knows
what America wants
in the '90s, it's NBC.

But I just have
one small request.

I like Dateline,

but I really hate waiting
two hours to find out
who the killer is.

Tonight on Dateline,
a woman murdered.

Was it her ex-boyfriend?

Yes, it was.

I knew it. I knew it
was the ex-boyfriend.

"Sleep tight, truck.

"Sleep tight, firefly.

"Sleep tight, chair.

"Sleep tight, bird."

You see that, Peter?
You see the bird?

Bird.

Okay, we'll pick up
the rest tomorrow.

Now, I'm just gonna
vamp for a while with
some random noises.

Hee-hee!

Okay, good night, Peter.

Good night, Dave.

And here's Paul
to play you to
sleep with a lullaby.

♪ Hey, lullaby

♪ Oh, lullaby

♪ Hey, you lullaby... ♪

Stop, no, stop. Stop.

I forgot, he's terrible.

We now return to
Cops With Banana Guns.

Freeze.

Is that...
Is that a banana?

Don't worry
about what it is.
I'm still a cop.

Whoa, hold on.

All right, just take it easy.

This can go a couple of ways.

What the hell did
Peter do to Cops?

Bonnie.
Come push me out
in a huff.

Peter, what is this show?

It's called
Creeping up on
the Kardashians.

See that guy
with the ponytail
in the background?

He sneaks up and
scares the girls

while they're
starting businesses or
getting their fat waxed.

What the hell?

There they are.
That's the Nielsen family.

You ruined television.

Now it's just a big,
old, silly mess.

Oh, God.
An angry mob.

I've got to swallow
all my valuables
and get out of here.

Did you see the mob?

Did I see the mob?
Why else am I here?

Oh, my God,
Peter, they're
really angry.

Say something.

Wait. What the
hell's going on?

What do you mean,
I ruined television?

You put a real cougar
on Cougar Town,

and now that cougar's dead

because Courteney Cox
ripped it apart with
her teeth and claws.

You turned Anderson Cooper 360
into Anderson Cooper 720.

He's turning around too much.

Yeah, and Lifetime is
just one big rape now.

They used to have stuff
before and after the rape.

You converted
The Biggest Loser
to the metric system.

Now it feels like
they're not losing enough.

The hell with you guys.

You're just jealous
'cause I get to
say what's on TV now.

I am a Nielsen god.

Sorry, y'all.
That's the first time
I ever throwed anything.

Well, if it isn't
Mr. Nielsen himself.

Nurse, who's
the worst doctor
in this hospital?

You are,
Dr. Hartman.

Good. Put Hartman
on this bozo.

Hey, what can I do for you?

Please, Doc,
you got to help me
with this nasty gash.

What seems to be the problem?

No, it's my husband.

Well, you've got
a lot of nerve
coming in here

after what you
did to television.
Now, get out.

Please, Doctor,
you've got to help him.

You took an oath
when you went to
medical school.

I took a lot of things
when I went to
medical school.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to answer this.

Hello?
Ah, Hartman.

All right.
We's all done here.

Hey, what the hell!

What do you think,
Mr. TV Ruiner?

You shaved a giant penis
into the back of my head.

That's right.
And it's all scarred
and misshapen.

I was in a boating accident.

Hey, guys.
How you doing?

Not so good, Peter.
Yeah, me either.

Thanks to you,
TV's a vast wasteland.

You know how I know that phrase?

I read it in a book,
you monster!

Come on, let me
make it up to you.
Let me buy you a beer.

No, that seat's taken.
Move along, Peter.

What are you
talking about?
You guys are my pals.

We used to be,
Peter. Now, scram.

Well, fine, I'll sit at the bar.

Not at my bar,
you won't.
Get out of here.

Geez, I can't show
my face anywhere.

I might as well be
back doing public radio.

This is Peter Griffin,
and you're listening
to Book Talk on WRNI.

Today we'll be discussing
Bret Easton Ellis'
popular work,

Less Than Zero,

a tale of privilege,
detachment,
and youthful alienation.

Mmm.

But first,
a word from our sponsor,
Westin's Golden Soda Biscuits.

I'm enjoying one right now.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

That concludes today's
session of Book Talk.

Tune in tomorrow when we will
look at John Kennedy Toole's

unheralded early work,
The Neon Bible.

Hey, what's wrong, Peter?

I miss my friends, Brian.

I mean, I was
having fun with
those Nielsen boxes,

but what's the point

if I don't got
Joe and Quagmire
to enjoy it with me?

I guess I shouldn't have
messed with television.

Well, it's not
exactly your fault.

The networks never
should have listened to
you in the first place.

This is exactly what
makes bad television.

Pandering to the
lowest common
denominator.

So what do I do, Brian?

Well, you still
have these boxes.

That means you still
have the power to
influence television.

Maybe you can use that
power to help restore TV
to the way it was.

You're right, Brian.
Maybe if I watch smart,
quality shows,

that'll help get things
back to the way they were.

We can use these
boxes for good and...

What the hell?

That's for adding
another tree to
One Tree Hill.

Oh, my God,
he destroyed
every last box.

Holy crap.

We're sunk now, Peter.

There goes your one
chance to get TV back
to the way it was.

Wait a minute.
Maybe not, Brian.

I think I just got an idea.

I got glass in my face.

Oh, crap.
Now I forgot
what it was.

I got it.

Son of a bitch.

You know who I hate?
The troops.

Yeah, me too.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you?

I'm Peter Griffin.

I'm the guy who
ruined television,

and I'm the guy
who's gonna fix it.

Guys. I broke television,
and now you have
to help me fix it.

Yeah-ha!
Looks like this is
one we beat you to.

Gentlemen, I have gathered
you all here today

because you are the creators
of what television used to be

before I ruined it.

And we need to
rebuild television
from the ground up.

So, I'm gonna need
all your best ideas.

J.J. Abrams, you take
wonder and complexity

and present it in
a way that no one can
possibly understand.

What do you got?
I've got an alien

that goes back in time

and encounters
a koala bear in an
Eastern European town.

Totally confused.
Do it.

Okay, now, we're gonna
need 15 workplace comedies

where people
talk to the camera
for some reason.

You, you, you
and you. Go.

When Peter told me to
make a workplace comedy

where people talk to
the camera, I thought...

Not now. I mean,
go do a show.

Don't do that thing here.

Huh, wonder if I can
pull off one of those

can-you-believe-what-I
have-to-put-up-with
looks to the camera.

Okay, Mark Burnett,
you did Survivor
and The Apprentice.

Can you give me
a reality show where
people do horrible,

unforgiveable things
to each other

for embarrassingly
small sums of money?

I got some ideas.

Here's a nickel,
pull down your pants.

There's a show.

Yeah-ha! Go.

All right, now, who's
gonna make a show

about horrible
New Jersey freaks?

You know what?
I don't care.
Just, someone do it.

Okay, Dick Wolf,
make the same Law
& Order six times.

And also, could you
marry Matt Weiner,

'cause I want your
name to be Dick Weiner.

Okay, but can I go
by Dick Wolf-Weiner?

Oh, my God, yes.
Yes. Yes.

Okay, Bravo people,
go find women fighting.

No, you know what,
just find women.
They'll end up fighting.

All right,
everyone who's left,
make a talent show.

We are done.

Oh. Kelsey Grammer,
what are you
still doing here?

I have nothing left
for you. I'm sorry.

Ah! Then I shall
take my ease
on the Lanai.

I don't care what you do now.

We now return to Mike and Molly.

Have you decided what
you'd like to order?

Yes, the chopped salad?

I'll have everything
except that.

That waiter's
like, "What?"

Well, you did it,
Peter. You got
TV back to normal.

Yeah, guys, I'm sorry
for screwing up all
your favorite shows.

Oh, that's okay, Peter.

So, what do you say?
Are we pals again?

Of course we are.
You bet.

Well, let's drink to having TV

back in the hands
of people who know
what they're doing.

I think Zack and Cody
would be funnier

if they did the show
in their underpants.