All language subtitles for Family Guy - S10E21 - Tea Peter (Uncensored)-ing

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Wow, congratulations on your
grand re-opening, Mort.

Looks like your customers
are coming back.

Thanks, Lois.
It's good to be up
and gouging again.

Careful.
Watch out there, Brian.
Looks like the floor is wet.

Excuse me.
I'm kind of in a hurry.

Son of a bitch!

Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

I'm sorry.
I've been a little
distracted lately.

I think my wife
has been crossing the street
with another man.

God, I hope Alan
doesn't find out.

Hey, forget that klutz.

Hmm. Maybe this one.

Hey. Looking at you
pretty normal, huh?

No!

Ah, fudge.
Wait, I know!

I'll figure this out.
The pieces are all there.

I'll go home and
figure this out.

Ah, cool.
Hey, Mort,
what's this thing?

Oh, that? That's my
"Come in, we're open" sign.

What's that, like an iPad?

No, it's a sign.

Wish I had one of those.

I've got a whole box of them.
Take it.
It's yours. No charge.

Typical Jew.

Coming this fall,

from the producers
of Gone Baby Gone,

comes the riveting sequel,
Gone Severely
Disabled Baby Gone.

I promise you,
we are going to
find your daughter.

Okay, but, you know,
do what you can,

but seriously,
don't, like,
kill yourself.

Oh, and if you do find her,

honk this horn a couple times.

It's the only way
to get her to
stop biting you.

But again, no rush.

Peter, what are you doing?

I'm just putting up my new sign.

Don't put that
thing on our door.

If you want to
hang it somewhere,
hang it in the basement.

Oh, why? So you can hog it
while you're doing laundry?

No way.

Peter, we're not a business.

Hey, I saw your sign.

So, you're open?
That's right.

What do you do?
What do you need?

Milk.
We have milk.

Peter, I told you,
I don't like all these

strangers walking
around in our house.

They're not strangers, Lois.

They are our valued customers.

And if we don't show them
we appreciate their loyalty,

they're gonna go someplace else.

For what?

Not to alarm anyone,

but some guy
took me in the closet
and tried me on.

She's right, Dad.
None of this
makes any sense.

Meg, go take your 10.

And you may consider this
a verbal warning.

Peter, I want
these people to leave.

I fit, by the way.

Lois, I'd love nothing more
than to sit here
and chat with you,

but I have a business to run.

Hi, there.
May I help you folks?

Yes, my family and I
would like our
portrait painted.

Well, you came to
the right place.

Looking good.
Almost done.

And there. Done.

What have you done?

I painted the truth.

I painted my truth.

Give me a spin, sweetie.

What do you think, Mom?

Is that the most beautiful
bride you've ever seen?

I love it!

Oh, it's just so much money.

It's true.
It's true.

Take the dress off, sweetheart.

Your mother says
you can't have it.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Do you really love it?

I do. It just feels
like my wedding dress.

Oh, Mom, she loves it.

Okay. We'll take it.

Peter, what is that girl
doing in my wedding dress?

She gone?
No.

Okay, well,
while I'm down here,
let me give you my card.

There you go.

There you go. A half pound
of honey maple turkey,
sliced thin.

I wanted a duplicate key made.

You have a good one.

Oh, hey, Joe.
What's going on?

Peter, I'm afraid I'm
here to shut you down.

You're running
an unlicensed business,
and that's against the law.

Oh, that is such bullcrap.

Well, you can't fight City Hall.

Oh, we'll see about that!

City Hall knows karate.

I'm sorry, Peter,
but the government
makes the rules.

I just enforce them.

I don't believe this, Joe.
This is like
living in Russia.

I might as well just move there.

You don't want to do that.

It's dark, it's cold,
and hooking up is
just a crapshoot

'cause of all the big coats.

All right,
drop the coats on three.

One, two, three!

Yeah!
Oh...

Hey, you ever
accidentally masturbate

to young pictures of your mom?

Who the fuck starts
a conversation like that?
I just sat down.

Geez, what's your
problem, Peter?

I'm sorry, Quagmire.

I'm still just upset
about the damn government

sticking its nose
in my business.

I hear you.
Wasting our tax dollars
on ridiculous causes.

We gotta protect bald eagles?

Bald eagles should be
allowed to make
their own decisions!

Honey, I don't care
that you're bald.

I find you just as attractive.

It's not about you.
It's about my confidence
as an eagle architect.

Just for Eagles will give you

thicker, fuller,
more natural hair

so you can just
focus on eagle stuff.

You're an excellent architect.

Freakin' government.
Giving all
the good hoses to firemen.

I want them hoses.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

And I'm Joyce Kinney.

Coming up, autism.
Is it real or
just another excuse

for kids these days
to forget their manners?

But first,
thousands are expected

for tomorrow's Tea Party rally

celebrating their new
Quahog headquarters.

That's right, Joyce.
The Tea Party has
gained a sizable following

based on their
message of low taxes,
limited government,

and happy birthday, Tom...
Oh, my God, you guys!

Tea Party, huh?
Well, I'd like to be
part of a movement,

but what movement would
want an angry fat guy
with a lot of opinions

who hates listening?

For more details on
the Tea Party platform,

we now go to
this totally boss
fireworks show.

Oh, my God!
That's everything
I believe in!

Why are they trying
to take that away
from us?

I hear you.

Well, that's it.
I am going down to
that rally tomorrow

and I am joining the Tea Party!

Oh, wait,
that's the same time as
my men's knitting club,

although they have been
really critical lately.

You're still not
knitting honestly, Peter.

You're knitting like
you want us to like you.
It's not coming from inside.

It's very superficial.

Thank you!
You've made my
decision easier!

Yes! That! Knit that!

Good Tea Party morning,
everyone!

Peter, you joined the Tea Party?

That's right, Brian.

I finally got
something better to do

with my Saturdays
than sit at the mall

and watch Japanese girls
laugh at normal conversation.

So, I drove to
work this morning...

and I had to stop for coffee.

So, there's a Starbucks
near my house...

You people are a circus.

Finally,
I'm part of a movement
of regular people

trying to take
back our government.

Look, the Tea Party
isn't the grassroots
movement you think it is.

It's actually funded
by big business types

who are using you
to get the government
out of their way

so they can roll over everyone.

Mom held hands
with a woman at the
gas station this morning.

Don't know
what that means.
Just reporting it.

All I'm saying is
you're being used,

and you're too clueless
to know it.

Well, you just think
you're so superior,
don't you?

Like that first creature
to walk on dry land.

Hey, where'd you go?

I went for a jog.

What's a jog?

It's a great way
to stay in shape,
is what it is.

Is it like a swim?

No, no, it's nothing
like a swim.

Wow, a lot of people here today.

Yeah.
Man, I love street fairs.

They got rides,
games, and ethnic food

cooked horribly
by white Americans.

Tacos! Hot tacos here!

Oh, are those tacos?

You better believe
they're tacos.

I love tacos!
Especially on
a corn tortilla.

Aah! I love tacos
on a corn tortilla!

Boy, they're really
against socialism.

That's right.
The Tea Party is all
about self-reliance.

Look, there's even
a Tunnel of Self-Love.

Would you like to buy
a photo of yourself
on the ride, sir?

No, I would not.

Welcome, everyone!

It's great to see so many
regular people out here.

Folks who are
tired of big government

and are ready to
stand up for their rights.

Yeah!
Down with
the Spend-o-crats!

We are Marshall!

And now, it's my
privilege to introduce

another regular,
blue-collar guy,

our Quahog chapter spokesman,
Joe Workingman!

Good afternoon,
friends and
socioeconomic equals!

Is anyone else out there
sick of government crap?

Oh, my God.
It's like he's saying
everything I'm listening to.

That's right.
The government wants to
tell you what foods to eat.

And what church you can go to.

And that you
can't own a chimpanzee

because you're not
responsible enough.

I would feed it!

Also, the government
wants to tell you

how many children you can have.

What? No!

And the government
wants to tell you

you can't throw your
old TVs into the river.

Then how I supposed to find TV?

If you join the Tea Party,
together,
we can fix all that.

But you probably
don't wanna
join the Tea Party

because all you
get are these stupid,
awesome key chains!

Oh, my God,
it's the keychain
from the dream!

I gotta say that guy
made a lot of sense.

He sure did.
The government's really
gotten out of hand.

Yeah, those bastards
have ruined everything.

The same way the Village People

ruined any gathering of
a cop, an Indian chief and
a construction worker.

Oh, my God, can we get
a picture with you guys?

We're not those guys.

Yes, please
leave us alone.
We're very busy.

Now, where were we?
Oh, yeah.

We've gotta solve
that security problem

for the Indian casino
we're constructing.

Hey, you guys want
to head to the Clam?

I'll catch up with you.
I got to hit the john.

Hey, buddy,
is there a bathroom
around here,

or a second floor window?

Carter?

Oh, hey.

You're involved
with the Tea Party?

Wait a minute.
This is what Brian
was warning me about,

that the Tea Party
is run by rich guys

who are only out for themselves.

Brian? You mean that
arrogant, unemployed
dog of yours?

Peter, he's just
one of those
liberal elites

who spreads lies
and hates patriots.

Yeah, he kind of is.

You and I are
both businessmen who
work hard and pay taxes.

Except that I
make 10,000 times
what you make.

Yeah,
we're the same,
you and me.

You know, Peter, the truth is,

I could actually use
a regular guy like you

to help get our message out,

and I know Joe Workingman
agrees with me.

Love to have you
on board, Peter.

Wow, thanks, Joe.
You can count on me.

Oh, Carter,
you just missed
Joe Workingman.

Oh, I think
he'll know I was here.

I'm not sure what's happening.

Oh, hi, Peter.
How was your rally?

It was great, and now I know
it's the right
cause to get behind

'cause a smart guy
like your dad is involved.

What? Carter was at
the Tea Party rally?

Yeah, he was
running the whole thing.

Peter, what did I
tell you about rich guys?

Look, I know what
you're thinking, Brian,

but don't worry, it's all okay.

Turns out you're the enemy.
They're the ones
who are on our side.

Oh, of course,
Carter Pewterschmidt,

an industrialist with
oil refineries in this city,

is on your side.

He wants to get rid
of environmental
regulations for you.

Brian, he doesn't get sarcasm.

No, it's not just
environmental
regulations, Brian.

Carter wants to get rid
of the whole city
government of Quahog.

He even put me in charge
of the PR campaign to do it.

Get rid of the government?

Peter, if I know my dad,
he's probably using you.

Lois, I'm so glad
you're done with the dishes

so that you can hang out
and chime in on this.

Actually, Peter,
I haven't done the dishes.

Oh, you haven't?

Well, then, I'm confused.

Oh, he does get sarcasm.

All right, now, remember,
the Tea Party is
a grassroots movement.

We're not covered
by the lame-stream media,

so we got to reach out
to the common man
individually.

Right, common man.

Hello?

Oh, geez, it's a girl.

May I speak to
the man of the house?

This is the woman of the house,

and there is no man living here.

No? What is... I...
How are you
paying for this phone?

I'm a lawyer.

Oh, I see, and are you in your

little courthouse right now,
representing Barbie?

Okay, one vote
for the Tea Party.

All right,
kiss government goodbye.

Yeah, I can't wait to fire
all them city employees,

starting with
that half-asleep
construction worker.

What the hell?
Which one is it?
Stop or go forward?

This is a big deal.
They're not at all similar.

Ah, no, no, no, no.
You, sir,
have lost my business.

People, please,
first things first.

Is there anyone here
for the couch
off of Craigslist?

I am.

Oh, good, come on in.

That is the picture
from Craigslist.

No way it is.

It is.

No way it is.

All right, what do
the rest of you want?

We want the city government
shut down.

Oh, I see.
And all of you feel
the same way?

- Yes!
- No!

Yes!

Well, I'm nothing if
not a public servant,

and the public has
made its feelings known.

I hereby declare
Quahog's city government
disbanded.

It has been
my pleasure to serve you,
and now I take my leave.

This column is mine.
I brought it from home.

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story, Quahog is now
completely government-free,

which means I'm free
of all broadcast regulations.

So no more trips
to the bathroom
for this reporter,

just a big-ass
coffee can under the desk.

Hello, family.

Peter, what the hell
were you doing out there?

You know, for years
I've been sick of
taking the roads home,

so today I took the yards.
Didn't hit one light.

Man, getting rid
of the government

has been the best thing
to happen around here
in a long time.

That's right.
Without government,

I'm free to take
a lot of mescaline

and drive to Vegas.

Wait till you see
Debbie Reynolds on stage.

Yeah, and now
my Spanish teacher and I

can finally
hold hands in the halls.

Meg, donde esta la biblioteca?

Because I'm going to
bang you in the biblioteca.

Well, I'm glad
you're all enjoying
your freedom,

but have you taken a look
out the window lately?

What is that?

Where's all that
smoke coming from?

The Pewterschmidt
Industries refinery,
and it's not smoke.

It's a giant cloud of pollution.

Oh, my God.
If that gets past the bad
neighborhoods and reaches us,

that's going to
be a big problem.

They can't do that.
We should report them.

To who?
There's no government.

Then it's up to us,
the people,
to find a solution.

Close the curtains.

Tea Party.

Damn it,
this is what I was afraid
was going to happen.

This town is
going to go to hell.

I now pronounce
you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.

I'm glad we waited.

Giraffity.

Yeah, see, that's not mine.

Hey, Mort, what gives
with the blond hair?

Yeah, you look weird like that.

Historically, in instances
of mass lawlessness,

the first thing they do
is round up the Jews.

Excuse me, fellow Aryan,
have you seen
any Jews around?

Is there a reward?

Wait a minute.
Are you Jewish?

I mean, unashamed
locker room nudity?

This guy's kosher.

Oops.
Let's get him!

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.

It's day five of the new
government-less Quahog,
and I'm wearing a T-shirt.

Tom, I don't think
the government

was requiring
you to wear a suit.

Well, they were
stopping me from
punching you in the face.

Is that what you want?

No, you know what?
You know what?
Give me your wallet.

What?
You heard me.

I said,
"Give me your wallet."

This is a crappy wallet.
You have bad stuff.

What the hell?
Lois, the TV
went off again.

It's the electricity, Peter.

There are power lines down,
and there's no one
to fix them.

The cops don't come,
the toilets don't flush,

and there's garbage
piling up in the streets.

Ryan Phillippe's been
out there for days.

Would anyone like
to be impregnated?

We had a nice town, Peter.

I had a nice life,

but you and your
anti-government buddies
ruined it.

Hey, so how's that
Tea Party going, huh?

More like T.P. Party.

Toilet paper.

I don't know what
happened, Brian.

Not having a government
worked great in Somalia,

but somehow we seem
to have botched it all up.

Looks that way.
Wait a minute.

There might be
a way out of this.
What?

We just talk to the guy
who got us into this.

He'll know what to do.

Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Mr. Pewterschmidt!

Go away.

But, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
you gotta do something.

The potholes ain't
getting fixed no more.

The stoplights ain't working.

Tampon commercials
no longer use blue liquids
in their demonstrations.

Make it blue.
That's always
been the deal!

You show whatever you want,
but you make it blue!

Come on.
You got to help us out.

Go to hell.

I don't think he's
going to help, Peter.

But if rich people
aren't looking
out for us, who is?

Well, maybe we
need to look out
for each other.

Come on, Brian.
It's time to
make this right.

Wait, before you go,
take two steps to the left.

Look up. Okay, smile.

Aw, I suck.

People of Quahog,
I have something to say.

Now that we've freed
ourselves from the terrible
shackles of government,

it's time to replace it
with something better.

The first thing we
need is a system of rules
that everyone must live by.

Gotta have rules.

And since we can't spend
all our time making rules,

I think that we
should elect some people
to represent us,

and they should make rules
and choices on our behalf.

Now, this may be
kind of expensive,
so I got a plan.

Everyone should have to
give some money from
their salaries each year.

Poor people will give
a little bit of money,

and rich people will give
a larger amount of money,

and our representatives
will use all that money

to hire some people
who will then provide us

with social order
and basic services.

Ugh. There's not one shirt
I wish I had out there.

Now, it won't be perfect.

Some of our representatives
may end up being bastards.

But you know what?

That's okay, 'cause later
we're going to
have more elections,

and we can use
those elections to
get rid of the bad guys

and replace them with good guys,

and then the system
will just keep

going on and on, just like that.

So who's with me?

Will you join me
in trying this
new crazy thing?

Then let's do it.

Yeah, and we did it all
without government.

I'm very proud of you, Peter.

Oh, Lois,
that means nothing to me.

I only care what they say
on the Internet
message boards.

Aw!