All language subtitles for Family Guy - S10E17 - Forget-Me-Not (Uncensored)-ing

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

All right, see you guys later.

Me and Brian are going
to play laser tag with
Joe and Quagmire.

What? No, you're not.

Tonight's our family night.

We agreed that every Sunday,
we'd do something together.

What?

Oh, nothing. I was
just clearing my throat.

Good. I thought you were
going to say something.

But, Lois, we
already made plans.

Yeah, I can't leave
those guys alone.

Last time they
hung out without me
was a disaster.

All right, movie night.
I am so psyched
for Reindeer Games!

What?
I thought we were
watching La Vie En Rose.

What do you mean?
Reindeer Games is great!

Everything goes wrong
on the one day
it has to go right.

But La Vie En Rose
is a beautiful movie

about the real-life
tragedy of Edith Piaf.

Usually Peter
would break the tie.

Well, Peter isn't here, is he?

Because you were supposed
to be watching him,

but you were
smoking marijuana
and he drowned!

What? No.
He's in a PTA meeting.

Where the hell did
you get that story?

I don't know!
I just can't stand it
when he's not here!

Peter, you've got
every other night

of the week to spend
with your buddies.

This is the one night
we've set aside
for our family.

Is that really too much to ask?

I guess you're right.

Come on, Brian.
Come upstairs.

I wanna show you
a freckle on my sack
that I'm concerned about.

It has irregular edges.

Peter, what are you doing?

I'm not going to family night.

My agreeing with Lois
was just pure theater.

Come on, we're
jumping off the roof.

Are you insane?
We'll kill ourselves!

Don't worry, we can fly.

I got this pixie dust
from a magic fairy.

Either that or it's speed
I got from
a transvestite at a diner.

Ah! It's the speed!
It's the speed from the diner!

Peter, let go of me!

I need to go
find a screwdriver
and some lighter-fluid.

- What?
- Come on!

Damn it!

So what are we gonna
do for family night?

Oh, would you shut up?
All the good people are gone.

Hey! Welcome to
Quahog Laser Tag.

Please pay attention
while I show y'all how to
put on y'all's vests.

Sir, can I use you
to demonstrate?

Thank you, I have
longed for your attention
since the moment I arrived.

Now, put this on
over your shoulders.
Good.

Now, I'm gonna need
you to squats down

like your underwears
is done for,

but you might
still save the jeans.

Now, you's gonna wanna latch
the front to the back like so.

Did everybody get that?

Boy, a lot of heat
comes off you, don't it?

All right, keep
an eye out for Peter.

He's oddly competitive
at this stuff.

Yeah, and he seems
to be weirdly,
physically fit at this place.

Yeah, it's almost like
he has unrealistic abilities

when we play laser tag.

All right, well,
if we just stick
together, then...

Zap, zap, zap!

What the...
No way!

How'd you learn to do that?

The question isn't how I do it.

It's how I forgive myself
for what I've done.

Yeah, winner! Right here!
All right, pal, what do I get?

Well, for five dollars,
you could get your picture

in a fake newspaper
with a humorous headline.

Wow, my picture in the paper.

I didn't even get that
when I brought

that kitten and
gorilla together.

Huh? Did I tell ya, Lois?

Oh, that's beautiful, Peter.

She's taking care
of that kitten
like it's her own.

Yep, I knew eventually
she'd stop
tearin' 'em in half.

There you two are!
We waited for you
for four hours!

Where the hell have you been?

Look, Lois, I know you're mad.

But I think this will prove
that I did the right thing.

I put our family
on the map tonight.

No longer will we be just
those faceless nobodies

who brought
the bird flu to Quahog.

You know, there's something
seriously wrong with a man

who always puts his
friends over his family.

Come on, Lois.
I think you're overreacting.

What's so wrong about a guy
hanging out with his buddies?

Buddies? You're one
of his buddies?

Yeah. And you know why?

'Cause I don't try to tell him
what he can and can't do.

Oh, please, Brian.

You're just two people
who live in the same house.

If you didn't,
you'd never hang out

with each other
in a million years.

He owns you.
You're his property.

He used to hang
you in the garage

so his fender
wouldn't hit the wall.

You're there. You're there!

I couldn't hear you.
The radio was too loud.

I'm going to bed.

You know, Lois is right, Brian.

You think you're Peter's pal,
but you're really not.

You're just his dog.

Well, that's where you're wrong.

Watch this.
Hey, Peter, you want
to go hit the Clam?

Nah, there's no way
she's in the mood.

Let's just go to the bar.
Sounds good.

Headin' to the bar
with my friend, Peter.

You're lying to yourself, Brian.

Like those girls
who insist their
best friends are attractive.

Oh, Stewie,
I can't wait for you
to meet my best friend.

She is so cute.

Yeah, she sounds awesome.

Oh, my God, yeah.

People ask her if
she's a model all the time.
Here she comes!

Okay. Okay, that was
an extreme example.

But face it, ladies,
your best friends
are not hot.

You know, how dare they
question our friendship?

We're friends, right, Peter?

'Course we are, Brian.
Friends with benefits.

Just kiddin', buddy.

Wow. You really got
into it, you weirdo.

Uh, Peter,
your seat belt back here
doesn't work right.

What's gonna happen to you
that hasn't already happened?

Peter, look out for that car!

That's not a car.
What is that?

Hello?

Hello?

Anybody here?

Hey.
Hey.

Do you work here?
I don't know.

Doesn't look like it.
Who are you?

I don't know.
I just woke up here.

I seem to be a heavyset fellow.

You do.

Hey. Thank God
someone else is here.

You two seem to
be the only ones
in this hospital.

No, I'm here, too.
Any of you guys
know what's going on?

I just woke up in
one of these rooms.

I have no idea how I got here.

I don't even know who I am.

All I know is I'm
extremely important

because there are drawings of me

on all the bathroom doors.
See?

It's glued on there, too,
so I'm pretty sure
it's permanent.

This is really weird.
We seem perfectly coherent,

it's just we can't
remember who we are.

It's like our identities
have been wiped out somehow.

Maybe we can find
somebody to help us.

The whole town
seems to be deserted.

Well, if there are
only four of us,
I propose we start a band.

And I propose
we call ourselves
Robes of Teal.

Aw, damn it.

Well, we could still
be a band and choose
a different name.

Oh, no, Robes of Teal
was the whole thing.

What the hell happened?
Where is everybody?

You don't suppose...
You think we're
the only people on Earth?

I don't know.
I tell ya what.

I'm gonna open up
this bag of Chex Party Mix.

If people don't
show up, then we're it.

Yep, we're it.

All right, look, we know
we woke up in the hospital,

so maybe there was some
kind of catastrophe
that we were all spared.

Or maybe we were all
in some kind of accident.

Well, that would explain
why you're in a wheelchair.

You must have gotten hurt
worse than the rest of us.

Yeah, I got hit so hard,
it knocked my piss into a bag.

None of this makes any sense.
Where the hell is everybody?

Well, if we wait
till tax day, I'm sure
the tax man will show up.

Ha! You should tweet that.
Okay.

This guy's hilarious.
I'm gonna retweet this.

- Huh.
- Mmm.

Social media is
bringing us all
closer together.

Unfollow.

Hey, you know,
if we're all gonna

be tryin' to figure
this out together,

maybe it would be easier
if we gave each other names.

That's a great idea.

Hey, maybe my name
is on this collar.

"Cremate, don't bury."

Okay, that's a downer.
You know what?

I'm gettin' a feeling
about my name.

I think my name
might be Shirt Pants.

Shirt Pants?
What kind of name is that?

I don't know.
What's your name?

I kinda think it's Manly Walker.

Wheeler?
No, Walker.

Wheeler?
No, you're not
hearing me right.

It's Walker.
It's probably Wheeler.

I sorta think my name is Earl.

What was that?
I don't know.

Apparently, I made
some sort of reference.

Hey, check it out.
Looks like a bar.

I could go for a stiff one.

I think they got
a pill for that.

Shirt Pants!

Who else but Shirt Pants?

♪ He's Shirt Pants,
Shirt Pants

♪ He's tryin' to remember
but he really can't

♪ He's Shirt Pants,
Shirt Pants

♪ All I know for sure
is I'm wearing
a shirt and pants ♪

Hello?

♪ A-well-a everybody's
heard about the bird

♪ B-B-Bird, bird, bird
B-bird's the word ♪

That's annoying.

Well, while we're all here,
we might as well
grab some beers.

So, what do you guys
wanna talk about?

I don't know.
Maybe we could
relive old times.

Hey, remember
back at the hospital?

Yeah, that was cool.

I remember that.
Classic.

Hey guys. I have another
one of those things
comin' out of my ass.

It just doesn't make sense
that there aren't any people.

This couldn't have
happened naturally.

Something must
have caused this.
Or someone.

Well, when I find that person,
I'm gonna strangle him.

I had a life,
and he took it
away from me.

I don't remember it,
but I bet it was pretty good.

Yeah, me, too.

I bet I was a doctor
who had to deal with
a lot of serious stuff,

but always found a way
to keep things light.

Oh, my God, she's beautiful.

Yeah, she is.

It's not yours. Yours died.

Yeah, and I bet I answered
the customer complaint line

at a Danish cookie company.

Hello, Danish cookie company.

No, I know they
don't taste very good.

Well, because they're
very dry, aren't they?

I mean, they came in a tin,
how fresh did you think
they were gonna be?

Look, it's dark and
freezing in Denmark.

Everybody who
made these cookies
has shot themselves.

Well, I bet I did
something really important
and exciting.

Like maybe I was a speechwriter

for the first ever
black president.

Hey, can he say the word "ask"?

Or is that a word
we should avoid?

Yeah, and I betcha
I was the voice
of an animated bird.

I thought I saw a cat.

I did see a cat.

Oh, my God, look at that.

Wow, that looks pretty bad.
Is the Chinese guy dead?

Wait. We were in this car.

I can smell us all in this car!

This must be the accident
that put us all
in the hospital.

See if there's a registration
in the glove compartment.

"Peter Griffin."
One of us is Peter Griffin.

Look at this indent
on the steering wheel.

It's a perfect match.
Oh, my God!

You're Peter Griffin!
Yeah, I am.

And you live at
31 Spooner Street.

Finally, a real clue.
Let's go!

Wow, I own a house!

I just hope it doesn't
have one of those

mailboxes that looks like a cow.

I just want to seem
cool to these guys,

but I really hope
I have one of those

mailboxes that looks like a cow.

"Moo," says my mailbox.

Well, this is
31 Spooner Street.
I'm home.

All right, see you guys.

I'm gonna go shove
my hand down my pants

and see if that goes someplace.

Guys! Guys!
It goes someplace!

Hang on, I got something.

I poop a lot on this lawn.
This must be where I live!

Hey, Shirt Pants, come in here.

Oh, my God!

I know, I know!
You're my owner!

I knew it!
I knew we were pals!

Yeah, I mean,
there's no pictures of me,

but I see you've got
a dog collar and a leash.

And look how big
your doggie cage is.

You could fit a human in there.

Clearly, you're a good owner.

It's such a weird situation.
I just think somebody

should be
writing about it.
Yeah.

Do you think it should be me?

Should I be the one
writing about this?

I don't know.

I think it should be me.

Then just do it.
Stop talking about it,
for God's sake.

Oh, hey, guys.

Well, we got it all figured out.

Turns out my name
is Glenn Quagmire,
and this is my dog.

Hey, you guys!
Hey, I found my house.

Turns out my name's Joe Swanson,

and I found this
police uniform in my closet.

Do you know
what that means?
I'm a stripper!

Well, it's good we
found out who we all are,

but we still haven't found out
what the hell
happened to everybody else.

Yeah, I've been
thinking about that,

and I think the best
course of action is

for us to just go ahead
and start repopulating
the Earth.

But there are no women.

Well, let's try some stuff.

Hey, you guys want
to see something cool?

There's a bedroom upstairs
that belonged to some girl,

and she's got bras in there,
and the cups
are different sizes.

Like one of them's
a martini glass

and the other one's
some kinda melon.

Guys, you know
how we were thinking

that something
must have caused
this situation?

Or someone?
Yeah?

Look at that.

Oh, my God. It's him.

He did this.
What do we do?

Check it out.
I got the little freak's bra.
I'm gonna put it on.

Huh, this actually
fits pretty well.

Oh, wait, there's a name on it.

It's mine.

My God.

Peter is responsible for
killing everyone on Earth.

But how could a guy like that
cause all this destruction?

Well, he's clearly
not just a guy.

He's some kind of
omnipotent alien,

with powers we
can only guess at.

Look at him. Watching,
learning, absorbing.

This janitor's in love
with this redheaded ashtray.

Lucy!

But why didn't
he kill us?
I don't know, maybe...

Maybe he needs us.
Maybe we're important.

I mean, I do have
all these profound
ideas and thoughts.

Maybe I was a deep
thinker of some kind.

Deep thinker?

I spent
the whole morning trying
to teach you one simple thing.

Give me paw.

Paw?

Good. Other paw.

No. Other paw.

No! We practiced this!

You're gonna make me look bad
in front of the other guys.
Other paw!

Finally!

You know,
this actually reminds me
of a quote by Milton...

Shut the fuck up.

Well, what are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do about what?

Oh, about the...

The... The pie!

The pie we're all
gonna make for you
for being such a great guy.

Oh, my God, that sounds awesome.

I would kill
everyone in the world

and leave three survivors
for a piece of pie right now.

Guys, really,
what are we gonna do?

Well, it seems obvious.
We gotta find
a way to kill him

before he kills us.
Kill him?

How about we just get
the hell out of here?

Are you kidding me?
He'd catch us.

If this guy's an alien,
I bet he can fly.

He can probably
hear us right now.

He's probably got a laser beam
that can shoot us
through the walls.

He can't hit us
if we keep moving!

Can you not?

I just took a bunch
of random stuff

I found in my medicine cabinet,

and you're really
freaking me out right now.

Okay, maybe he
doesn't have a laser.

But listen,
if we're gonna kill him,
we gotta find some guns.

Okay. Well, let's go.

Not all of us.
Somebody's gotta
go over there

and keep an eye on him,
make sure he
doesn't go anywhere.

Oh, come on. Why me?

'Cause I'm your owner
and I said so.

But I don't want to.

All right, then,
you asked for it!

What, what is that?

I found it in my night table.

I thought it was a dog whistle,

but now I'm thinking
it's something

you jam in your urethra
to make you last longer.

Man, I wonder
if I'm one of
those secret assassins

who doesn't even know it,
but I'm a highly trained
killing machine.

Well, I could test
that by attacking you.

If you repel my attack,

maybe that means
you're a secret assassin.

Good idea.

I don't... I don't think
I'm a secret assassin.

Hey, knock, knock, anybody home?

Oh, hey, buddy.
Come on in,
I could use some company.

Um, okay.

Hey, I know
we're the only people
on Earth and all,

but what's with
all these Mexicans
coming here to steal our jobs?

Hey, what are you
doin' down there?

Come on, sit up
on the couch with me.

Are you sure?

Mr. Quagmire says
dogs aren't allowed
on the furniture.

I don't care about that stuff.

Besides, you look like
you got a clean bum.

It is pretty clean.
I just cleaned it.

Ha. Bums are funny.

They
are kinda funny.
We all got one.

We all got one!
I was just
gonna say that!

Isn't that weird?
Everybody's got a bum!

Mine's even got
a secret compartment

in it where you can store stuff.

Hey, you want a pretzel?
I'm okay.

You know, you ever think
if we could all just

spend more time
celebrating our similarities

instead of just
standing on our differences,

the universe would be
a much better place?

Not really.
But that bum thing,

you're on to something there.

You're some kind
of deep thinker,
aren't you?

Where you goin'?
I think

your pie might be about ready.

Hey, we're gonna
share that pie, buddy,

'cause, you know,
there's no "I" in pie.

Except for the "I".
But enough about numbers.
You go.

So, we ready to do this?
You guys.

I'm not sure that
Peter's the guy
we think he is.

He seems harmless and
actually kinda nice.

Oh, my God.
You slept with him!

What? No, no.
We were just watching TV.

But listen,
you gotta believe me,

he's not capable
of hurting anyone.

Clearly he's
controlling your mind
with his superior alien brain.

Ah, don't let 'em
get you down, Paul Blart.

Your life has dignity.

And comedy!
Oh, heavens!

Look, there's
pretty solid evidence
that this guy is responsible

for the elimination of
the entire human race,

and we need to take him out.

Okay, okay, you're right.

But he trusts me,
so you guys wait here,
and I'll go lure him out.

I have a lot of
dirty stuff in my house.

Wait, what the hell's he doing?

He's supposed to be
luring Peter out here.

He's not doing
anything like that.
He's warning him!

They think I'm an alien?

Yes, and you have to
get out of here right away!

But you're Quagmire's dog.

Why would you be helping me
instead of him?

Because.

I don't know why.
I can't explain it.

I feel like you're my friend.

You wouldn't understand.

No, I think I kinda do.

Come on, buddy. Let's go!

I knew I couldn't trust you,
you filthy mongrel.

Guys, he didn't do it, I swear.

Get out of the way, dog.

Please!
I didn't do anything!

When you've been a stripper
as long as I have,

you know when
you've met a bad egg.

And you're a bad egg.

No! You bastards!

What the hell?

What's going on?

Stewie?

Well, Brian,
you proved me wrong.

What the hell are
you talking about?
What... What is all this?

You see, Brian,
I conducted
a little experiment.

Remember our little argument

about whether you and Peter
were actually friends?

Well, I wanted to prove
to you that I was right,

that your friendship
was purely
a result of circumstance.

So I created a scenario in which

everyone's memories were erased,

to demonstrate
that you and Peter

would never
naturally associate
with one another.

But I was wrong.

It appears you two have
a genuine bond after all.

Wow.

So, we really were
meant to be friends.

I guess you were, yes.

So, are they gonna
remember any of this?

No, I'll wipe out
their whole day.

It'll be like it never happened.

Wow. Hey, what's
going on over there?

I wanted to see how three women

would react in
the same situation.

Stop it!

Let go!

They've only been in there
for three minutes.

Haven't even tried
to figure out
each other's names yet.