All language subtitles for Family Guy - S10E12 - Livin on a Prayer (Uncensored)-ing

Ow!

There's a rock right there!

There's a huge rock right there,

and it's covered up by grass

and there's no way
you can see it,
and I got lucky.

But someone else
could hurt themselves,

and a small cut
is a death sentence
in these times,

so let's just,
you know, let's...

Let's get these
rocks out of here.

♪ There's a
fuzzy bunny rabbit
on the train

♪ There's a
fuzzy bunny rabbit
on the train

♪ And he's wiggling his nose
and his little bunny toes

♪ There's a
fuzzy bunny rabbit
on the train ♪

Okay, what else we
got on that train?

A kitty cat.
A doggy.

Kevin Smith,
'cause he's too fat
to ride a plane!

Okay, I heard kitty cat.

♪ Oh, there's a kitty cat
a-riding on the train...

God, you know, I don't know

why this guy's wife
isn't here
watching this stuff.

If I were her,
I'd be here every show.

♪ There's a kitty cat
a-riding on the train ♪

Thanks, everybody.
See you next week.

Yay! He's a good singer.

Yeah, I've been
catching his
library shows

since there were only, like,
three or four kids here.

You should have
been here, man.
Those were the shows.

Oh, looks like
somebody made a friend.

I know.
Aren't they cute together?

Adorable.

I'm Lois.
Hi, I'm Hope.

Any relation to Bob Hope?

I'm kidding!

I'm kind of known for
having a twisted
sense of humor.

Oh, don't worry,
I watch Regis and Kelly.
I can handle it.

Oh, so, you know.

This is my husband Ben.

Hi, glad to know you.

Gosh, you know,

our little Scotty
seems to be having

such a good time with your son.

Would you be interested in
getting them
together for a play date?

Oh, that sounds
like a wonderful idea.

Look at them.
They're getting along

like Billy Bob Thornton
and his cat.

Billy Bob?

Leave me alone!
I'm taking a bath!

Stewie, do you want
to be the Autobots,
or the Decepticons?

What's with all
these labels, man?

Autobots,
Decepticons,
gay, straight,

just pick a few robots,
and let's party.

Hey, what's going on in here?

Oh, hello, Brian.
We're playing Transformers.

Oh, cool.
Who's this little guy?

It's my new friend, Scotty.

Do you mind?
We're busy.
Oh.

Hi, doggie.
You want to
play with us?

Scotty, Scotty, it's fine.
It's fine.

You don't have to.
He doesn't
know Transformers.

Yeah, actually,
I'd love to play.

Who should I be?
Should I be
one of these guys?

I'll be this guy.

Who's this guy, huh?
What's this guy's story?

That's Optimus Prime.
You can't be him.
Scotty's Optimus Prime.

Oh, all right.

Well,
I'll be, I'll be this guy.
How about this guy?

What was that?

Did you just growl?
What robot growls?

That's Starscream.
He's a Decepticon.
I'm the Decepticons.

Look, why don't you
just beat it?

All right, all right, relax.
I'll just,
I'll be this guy over here.

That's He-Man.
We're playing
Transformers.

Well,
maybe this is the one
where He-Man visits.

Brian, how is He-Man
supposed to
get to Cybertron?

Hey, "Up, up, and away," right?

He-Man doesn't fly.

Look, why are you
being such a dick
about this?

I'm just trying to join in.

Yeah, you don't know
what you're
talking about, okay?

You sound like...
That's not fair.

I think I'm doing pretty...

No, you don't know
the characters, Brian.

You don't know the characters.

If you could hear
yourself right now,

you would not stop throwing up.

You can't just put He-Man
in Transformers' world,
all right?

He wouldn't be able
to get to Cybertron
because he lives in Eternia,

and Eternia is in
an entirely different
dimension.

He can just take
his rocket ship.

Get out of here.

We now return
to the post-Roe vs. Wade
Brady Bunch.

Greg! Marcia!
Get down here!

Oh, you two are such a handful!

Oh, I'm getting some steam.

Picking up
steam here, Scotty.
You'd better look out.

I don't feel so well.

Uh, kind of bad timing, but gin.

Hey, Lois, that
not-Stewie kid fell over!

Oh, my God,
he's unconscious!
Peter, what happened?

Ah, you know me,
Lois, I don't pry.

Peter, he's not moving!
We gotta get him
to the hospital!

You got it, Lois!
To the Peter-rang!

Just for the record,
I was at the hospital
for a brief moment.

Mrs. Griffin,
it's a good thing you
brought this child in.

Why? Is he okay?

I'm afraid he's very sick.

In fact, his lab work shows
he is suffering from
Hodgkin's lymphoma.

Oh, my God!
Are you saying
Scotty has cancer?

I don't know,
I didn't read the whole
Wikipedia entry,

but the good news is
that what he has
is highly treatable.

With radiation first,
and if necessary,
chemotherapy.

Oh, for God's sake.

Look, do you have
any idea how expensive
medical school is?

No, I don't.

Well, it's
probably pretty expensive.

Lois! We came
as soon as we
got your call.

Oh, Hope, Ben,
I'm so sorry to
have to tell you this,

but Scotty has...

Cancer.

We know.
You do?

Yes, we're aware
of his condition.

But you shouldn't have
brought him to the hospital

without talking to us first.

Why wouldn't we bring him?

He was unconscious.
He clearly
needed treatment.

Oh, no, he doesn't
receive treatment.

What?

We're Christian Scientists.

We don't accept
medical care
for ourselves,

and we don't permit
it for our children.

But your son has cancer!

Wait a minute.
Christian Science.

Is that, is that
that thing all them
homo Hollywood actors do

to keep their stuff
out of other guys' butts?

Don't you understand?
Scotty needs help.

And he'll get it.
Through faith.

That's right.
We will heal him with
the power of prayer.

You can't just let them
walk out of here!

Oh, I think they'll be back.

Are those their keys?

No, they're my keys.

And they said
because of their faith,

they don't believe in medicine.

Mom, I think there's
a lot of religions
that do that.

Well, that may be, Meg,

but that poor little baby
has cancer,

and they're just
gonna take him home
and pray over him?

Well, that's what they do.
They believe that
disease is just an illusion.

And the only way
to fight it is to make
your faith stronger.

Illusions! You want to
talk about illusions?

If you die tomorrow,
you think we're
gonna be devastated.

But you know what?

We're just gonna go out
and buy another dog!

And maybe this dog
will fetch a stick and
bring me my slippers

instead of prattling on
about the pros and cons
of various religions!

Chris, I think
you've had too much
sugar cereal.

I think I haven't had enough!

Peter, I have to go
talk to the Jennings

and ask them to
reconsider getting
treatment for Scotty.

I'm going
with you, Lois.
Yeah, I'll go, too.

All right,
but try to keep
your mouth shut, okay?

You have a habit of
saying the wrong thing.

During his 22-year reign,

this French monarch
known as "The Spider King"

had an ongoing feud
with Charles the Bold,
Duke of Burgundy.

Peter?
Who was King Louis XII?

Ooh, I'm sorry, Peter,
we were looking
for King Louis XI.

Ah, damn it, I knew that!

Well, if that doesn't
suck a big, black cock.

King Louis XI.

Tim, select.

Oh, Lois, Peter, come on in.
We were just praying
for Scotty's recovery.

If you'd like, you can join us.

Well, that's what
we wanted to
talk to you about.

You'd better not
just have church toys.

Look, I don't mean to
question your
religious beliefs,

but as a mother,

I just can't bear the thought of

little Scotty not
getting the help he needs.

You really needn't worry, Lois.

Scotty will get
all the help he needs.

From where?
From here.

Science and Health
with Key to the Scriptures

by Mary Baker Eddy?

Let me see that.

This is your god?
A woman?

Well, she's
the founder of our faith.

Oh, really?
So with this book
from the 1800s,

you can pray away
paralysis or
terminal illness?

Yes, we would pray
for anyone
who's afflicted.

Well, then I'll tell you
who you should
really be praying for.

Out-of-work clowns.

I need 40.

Ben, Hope, please,

I just want to
do anything I can
to help your son.

Well, you can, Lois.
Stay and pray with us.

I think you'll find that

with God's love
and a true belief,

all manner of
miracles are possible.

Look, I'm a churchgoer, too,
but sometimes
prayer isn't enough.

He needs
professional medical care.

You know, Lois,
this couch would
be perfect

for one of your
red wine pass-outs.

Look, we appreciate
your concern, Lois,

but Scotty is our son,
and we have to tend
to him as we see fit.

But your son is sick!
He needs help!

Um, does your god
also not believe in

putting out snacks
for the guests?

Come on, Lois.
I think we're
wasting our time here.

They're obviously
very committed
to their beliefs.

But their beliefs
are crazy, Brian.

I don't know who's crazier,

these people, or those
Seventh-day Adventists.

I'm a Methodist.

We believe that
the Lord is our Savior,

and we remember Him
by going to church and
praising Him every Sunday.

I'm a Seventh-day Adventist.

We believe
all the same things
that you believe,

but we go to
church on Saturdays.

What?

I know it's frustrating,
Lois, but the fact is,
there are no laws that say

those people have to
take their
child to the doctor.

How can that be?

Children are citizens, too.
They should have rights.

Well, it's a tricky area, Lois.

You could file a suit,
but that could take months,

and even then,
there's no guarantee

the court wouldn't support
the parents' right to
practice their religion.

How could we
live in a country that would
allow a sick child to die?

Look, this country was founded

by people who came here to
escape religious persecution.

They made sure
we all had a right
to religious freedom,

and it's my job to protect that.

So there's nothing we can do?

You could contribute
to the Policeman's Ball.

What?
What does that have to do
with a sick child?

Look, it's a nice night out,
you're eating at
a fancy buffet,

the captain does
his Al Pacino...

Joe, we're really more of
a Fireman's Ball family.

Oh, yeah?
Are the firemen gonna come
and put out the rape?

Peter, we can't let this happen.

I mean, we're parents.
What if this was
one of our kids?

It's too bad
we're not the A-Team.

'Cause then we
could just go in there
and steal that kid.

I don't know about that, Peter.

Kidnapping is against the law.

It's too bad we're
not Taken from Taken.

Then I could dip my
head in brown paint

and galumph around Europe
looking for my hot daughter.

Although is it any worse
than what they're doing?

They're letting a kid die.

It's too bad
we're not Dragonheart.

Then we could just
fly around on a dragon
and forget about all this.

You know what?
That's exactly
what we should do.

What? What the hell
are you talking about?

I'm talking about
us going in there

and taking that kid
and getting him some help.

I mean, I know it's wrong,
but it's better than
just letting him die.

Hey, that's not a bad idea.
It's like we're
doing a public service.

Like those idiots
who get together
to paint a school.

This underachieving,
crime-ridden school
is now fawn beige,

thanks to guilty white people
with no weekend plans!

Yay!

Peter, what the hell?
Where's your ski mask?

It's kind of hard to
breathe in those things,

so I just dressed
up like Harry Potter.

All right, let's go.

Lois, if anything
should happen to us,
I want you to know,

I haven't been happy
for a long time.

Yes, Peter,
you've told me that,
like, 10 times.

All right,
all the lights are out.
They must be asleep.

It's go time.

Peter, what the hell was that?

That's what you do, Lois.

Okay, now take
this walkie-talkie

and confirm that I'm at
the various checkpoints.

Oh. Okay.

"Peter up on a telephone pole"?

Check.

"Peter cutting
the wires to the alarm"?

Check.

"Sexy Peter
distracting the guards"?

Check.

Hello, boys. Come up and
have sex with me some time.

"Van full of Peters
who all have stern faces

"because they're about
to pull off a heist."

Check.

"Upside down Peter
who isn't revealed
to be upside down

"until the
camera spins around
and shows that he is."

Check.

"Peter in an open airplane door

"slapping other
Peters on the back
as they parachute out."

Go, go, go! Check!

"Super gymnastic Asian Peter
contorted into a box

"that will be
delivered into the house."

Hai!

"Peter who hasn't answered

"because something has gone
terribly wrong."

Peter?
Peter, are you there?

Now, let's go get that kid.

Okay, he's in
the left upstairs bedroom.

All right,
you keep the car going
in case there's trouble.

All right, I got him, Lois.

Peter, what the...
That's not Scotty!
That's Ben!

Oh. Well, you know,
we ain't known
this family that long.

I'm still learning
everybody's names.

Damn it, put him back
and go get Scotty,
the baby!

Okay, so I'll go get the baby,

and while I'm doing that,

maybe you do something
about that snatchy tone.

Lois, is this the right one!

Shh! Peter! Yes.
Now, come on.

What was that?

I don't know.
It came from Scotty's room.

All right! We did it!

Yes! We got the kid
and the treasure.

Peter, there's no treasure.

Oh, well, never mind, then.

We now return to

One-Hour Crime Show
Where the Murderer

is the Most Famous
Person in the Credits.

I think you're gonna want to
take a look at this.

What do we got?

Looks like somebody
had a rough night out.

Boy, you can say that again.

Better get the
coroner down here.

He's still got his
watch and his wallet.

Guess that rules out robbery.

Stabbed 17 times in the chest,

I'd say the murderer
knew the victim intimately.

Good evening,
I'm Tom Tucker with
some breaking news.

A local kidnapping
has rocked Quahog tonight.

"Rocked Quahog"? Really?
The whole town is...

The family, maybe,
is rocked,
but the whole...

All right, well,
in any event,
we now go live

to Asian reporter
Tricia Takanawa.

Let's see how
much she's "rocked"
by all this. Tricia?

Tom, I'm standing here
with Mayor Adam West,

with the latest
information about

the disappearance of
young Scotty Jennings.

What can you tell us,
Mr. Mayor?

Please,
Mr. Mayor is my father.
Call me John Mayor.

Your body is
a wonderland,
by the way.

What is the city doing
to help rescue
the missing boy?

Well, we're looking
for this child

using all the latest technology,

including the newest,
most advanced
multimedia milk cartons.

Help me!
I'm missing! Help!

Why are you still
eating breakfast?
I'm kidnapped!

Why are you
turning me the other way?
I'm still here!

Scotty Jennings?
Oh, my God!

I know she was upset,

but do you think
Lois would've gone
so far as to kidnap him?

Of course she did.
She'll do anything
for attention.

I know. She's like
the boy who cried wolf.

Wolf, wolf!

Did you hear that?
Somebody needs help!

Let's go!

Oh, my God, Charles!

Oh, my God,
I'll run and get help.

No, no, we've got to carry him!

We can't leave him here,
there's a wolf!

Um. There's not
really a wolf.

What?

Tell my kids I love 'em.

Charlie! Charlie!

This was so funny
in my head
when I planned it.

Don't you worry, Scotty.

We're gonna get
you to the hospital

and get you
the medical attention
you need.

Yeah, hang in there, buddy.

When this is over,
we can get some ice cream.

Me and Lois can
get some ice cream,
not you.

They're gonna be
sticking needles
in you everywhere.

You know, Peter, you were right,

this is actually kind of a rush.

I mean, look at us,
we're like
Thelma and Louise.

Yeah, but we all know
that didn't end well
for them.

You know what?
Let's just turn
ourselves in.

I got a great lawyer,
and he says, worst case,
eight to 12 years.

And when we get out,

we'll still have
the rest of our lives
ahead of us.

Goodbye, terrible women.

Oh, my God!

This is Tricia Takanawa.

I am standing
outside Quahog Hospital,

where accused kidnappers
Lois and Peter Griffin
have just arrived.

Also arriving is my
overprotective boyfriend,

who is suspicious
whenever I am called
into work at night,

even though I've
been a reporter
for years, Tyrone.

I thought I
told you to mention
my painting business.

Lois, Peter, stop right there.

You're under arrest
for kidnapping.

I'm gonna have to ask you
to hand over
the baby and surrender.

Joe, please get out of our way.

I promise, when this is over,

I'll gladly go to prison
for the rest of my life,

but not until I bring
this defenseless child
into the hospital

to get him
the treatment
he deserves.

Uh, Joe,
we would like two tickets
to the Policeman's Ball.

Too late!

There they are!

Lois, please!

Stop what you're doing
and give Scotty back to us!

I can't do that, Hope.

But we've entrusted our son
into the Lord's hands.

I know.

And maybe that's why
he ended up in my hands.

The Lord can't
do everything,
you know?

Blasphemy!
Heresy!

Sodomy!

Sorry, I don't
even know what's going on.
How you doin'?

Ben, Hope, I know
you don't believe
in modern medicine,

but you do believe in
the power of prayer.

That's right.

And through the years,
when there was
disease or infection,

people of good faith
would pray to God
for a cure.

Yes. It's what we do.

Well, then isn't it possible

that penicillin,
vaccines and antibiotics

are all actually
answered prayers?

And isn't it possible that

the amazing men
and women of medicine

who brought about these miracles

could be the instruments of
God's answers to our prayers?

It's good so far, Lois.
Try to work a few
laughs in there if you can.

Look, I believe life is sacred.

And I know
you want Scotty to
live a full life.

And if that's true,

then I think it's
wrong for you to ignore

what very well could
be the Lord's will.

I mean, what's
the point in
praying to God

if you're just
going to wipe your butt
with his answers?

Hope, Ben,
please let God
answer your prayers.

Please let your son get help.

Well, I guess
through the Lord's will,
anything is possible.

All right, Lois.
Scotty can have
his treatment.

Oh, thank you!

Thank you,
and God bless you both!

Hey, everybody!
We're all gonna get laid!

- We now return to
- Dracula in San Francisco.

Ooh.

Well, that's why we
have the lab.

Well, I just got off
the phone with Hope,

and it sounds like
Scotty's gonna
make a full recovery.

You hear that, Stewie?

Looks like your little
friend's gonna be okay.

Oh, I don't care about him.
I've got a new friend
who's got leprosy.

See, he's funny.

Peter,
are you actually reading
that Christian Science book?

Yeah, you know,
I figured I'd
give it a shot.

I mean, wouldn't it be cool
if you could pray
really hard for something,

and it actually happened?

I am so happy for me.
I deserve this.

When do you think
the Queen's gonna die?