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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,855 --> 00:00:08,156
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
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00:00:08,225 --> 00:00:11,760
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,846 --> 00:00:14,896
♪ On which we used to rely?
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00:00:14,965 --> 00:00:18,167
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:21,486
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,266
♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:24,856
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:28,793
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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You guys,
don't you think
I'm a little old
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00:00:38,773 --> 00:00:40,016
for the Teen Choice Awards?
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00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,490
I mean, I turned 18 today.
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00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:42,775
Oh, come on, Meg.
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00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:45,055
You always used to love
the Teen Choice Awards.
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00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:47,123
Yeah, ever since Fox
pulled this contrived
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00:00:47,147 --> 00:00:48,525
night of bullshit
out of their ass
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00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,326
in an effort to get in
on the awards show business,
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00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:51,561
it's been very special to you.
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Coming to you live,
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00:00:54,104 --> 00:00:55,720
it's the Teen Choice Awards!
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00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,969
Featuring Robert Pattinson...
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Justin Bieber...
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00:01:02,078 --> 00:01:03,918
Zac Efron...
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00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:06,398
Selena Gomez...
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00:01:06,466 --> 00:01:09,501
I tell ya, every year,
I recognize fewer
and fewer names.
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00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,497
Lombard Montague...
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00:01:11,521 --> 00:01:13,333
Grace McLady...
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00:01:13,357 --> 00:01:15,607
Andy Colorado...
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The Mondo Twins...
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Purple Stuff...
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Tank Top Gay Face...
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Chad Zachary...
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00:01:22,399 --> 00:01:23,860
Zach Chadwick...
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Chad Chadinson...
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C. Zachary Chad...
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and a liveperformance by Starburst,featuring N.Y.T.F.H.$.
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Plus we tally your text votes
for the Biggest Whiff!
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00:01:35,245 --> 00:01:37,629
And Choice Bro-Ment of the Year!
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And now, everybody screamlike fuckingretards for your host,
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Wavyhair Doucheston!
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I touched him!
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00:01:57,968 --> 00:02:00,051
What's up, Teen Choice Awards!
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00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:04,467
We're gonna kick things offwith ChoiceLacrosse Guy Smile!
44
00:02:04,491 --> 00:02:07,792
Give it up forour first presenter,Wilford Brimley!
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It's entirely too loud in here!
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00:02:11,849 --> 00:02:13,398
Quiet down!
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00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,426
There's no
accountability anymore!
48
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,569
I have diabetes!
49
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,498
Hey, what do you saywe get somemusic in here, huh?
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00:02:19,522 --> 00:02:21,084
No, that'll only
make things worse!
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00:02:21,108 --> 00:02:23,041
Give it up for
our first nominated
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00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:25,894
Choice Band of the Night,
Pee Hole Skin!
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00:02:28,298 --> 00:02:30,215
♪ Uh, Feelings
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00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:34,136
♪ Uh, Feelings
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00:02:36,006 --> 00:02:38,140
♪ Uh, Feelings ♪
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00:02:39,443 --> 00:02:42,363
I'm gonna put a stop to this!
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00:02:51,955 --> 00:02:53,555
Well, that was unfortunate.
58
00:02:53,623 --> 00:02:55,569
Hey, what's with all
the cars on the street?
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00:02:55,593 --> 00:02:57,659
They're all here
for your
surprise party, Meg.
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00:02:57,728 --> 00:02:59,745
Peter, for God's sake,
you idiot!
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00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,257
We were supposed
to open the door
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00:03:01,281 --> 00:03:03,641
so everyone could
yell "Surprise!"
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00:03:04,701 --> 00:03:06,068
Surprise!
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00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:07,686
Oh.
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00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:08,903
Oh, dear!
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00:03:08,972 --> 00:03:11,618
Mom, if it's
a surprise party,
where is everybody?
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00:03:11,642 --> 00:03:13,174
Chris, what the hell?
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00:03:13,243 --> 00:03:15,271
I thought you were gonna
pay the kids from school
to show up!
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00:03:15,295 --> 00:03:16,862
I gave you $300!
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00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:18,474
Why do you think Dad's here?
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00:03:18,498 --> 00:03:21,866
Hey, Meg, happy birthday.
You're the coolest.
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00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:24,196
Well, then what are all
the cars doing out there?
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00:03:24,220 --> 00:03:25,765
Oh, they must be
for Mort's party.
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00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:28,307
Okay, the first rule
of Jewish fight club
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00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:30,575
is if somebody says,
"Ow," you stop.
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00:03:31,594 --> 00:03:33,878
Ow!
Okay, let's eat.
77
00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:35,742
I'm really sorry
about this, honey.
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00:03:35,766 --> 00:03:37,844
It looks like nobody's coming.
79
00:03:37,868 --> 00:03:40,869
But we had fun at
the Teen Choice Awards,
right?
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00:03:40,937 --> 00:03:42,637
I guess.
81
00:03:42,706 --> 00:03:45,768
Well, I guess we
ought to call it a night.
Come on, Stewie. Up to bed.
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00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:47,520
No party?
Oh, come on!
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00:03:47,544 --> 00:03:51,095
I was gonna show a slide show
of all those silly
photos I took of Meg.
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00:04:00,423 --> 00:04:03,991
Well,
happy birthday anyway, Meg.
See you in the morning.
85
00:04:06,764 --> 00:04:08,413
Hey, Quagmire.
What's going on?
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00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:11,350
Well, Peter,
a little birdie told me
that today is Meg's birthday.
87
00:04:11,401 --> 00:04:13,129
You giving me credit?
Yeah, I just told him.
88
00:04:13,153 --> 00:04:15,153
I'm the one who told him.
89
00:04:16,106 --> 00:04:17,839
So, where is the birthday girl?
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00:04:17,907 --> 00:04:19,373
Oh. Hi, Mr. Quagmire.
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00:04:19,442 --> 00:04:22,376
Oh, please, my father is Mr...
92
00:04:22,445 --> 00:04:25,080
Oh, no, he's...
Okay, well, he used to
be Mr. Quagmire.
93
00:04:25,148 --> 00:04:27,516
Now he's...
Now he's just Ida Davis.
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00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:30,184
Anyway, this is
a special day for you,
young lady.
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00:04:30,253 --> 00:04:32,537
Here's a gift for ya.
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00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:35,873
A scented candle?
As a girl,
I love this!
97
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,875
That was originally $30.
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00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:39,244
Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
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00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:41,196
Well, it's your
18th birthday, Meg.
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00:04:41,265 --> 00:04:43,698
That's a very
important milestone
in a young girl's...
101
00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:45,800
I mean, a young woman's life.
102
00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:48,470
Hey, welcome to
the adult club, huh?
And you know what?
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00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,289
You got another member
right next door
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00:04:50,357 --> 00:04:51,857
if you ever want
to talk and stuff.
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00:04:51,908 --> 00:04:53,141
Happy birthday.
106
00:04:56,213 --> 00:04:58,880
Hey... Hey, where's
that pinky going, huh?
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00:04:58,949 --> 00:05:02,450
Where's he going?
What's he doing?
Get back here.
108
00:05:02,518 --> 00:05:03,985
There you go.
109
00:05:04,053 --> 00:05:06,221
Look at Quagmire
hitting on that skank.
110
00:05:06,289 --> 00:05:08,034
You know he's
gonna close the deal.
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00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:09,875
Peter, that skank
is your daughter.
112
00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:11,403
Oh, my God, you're right!
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00:05:11,427 --> 00:05:13,812
You know,
Meg, I'd love to see you
without your hat on.
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00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:16,381
Okay.
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00:05:21,437 --> 00:05:23,738
So, anyway, I'm on approach
into Lambert Field
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00:05:23,807 --> 00:05:26,224
in some of
the worst turbulence
I've ever flown through.
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00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:28,359
I mean, I have never
seen anything like it.
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00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:32,130
Everyone in
the cabin was like, "Aah!"
But I kept my cool,
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00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,510
and I trusted my training
and brought
the plane in safely,
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00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:36,679
and in fact,
it turned out,
ironically,
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00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:38,898
to be one of
the smoothest landings
I've ever made.
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00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:41,072
Well, gosh, Quagmire,
this has been a fun night,
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00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:43,342
but I guess, you better be
getting home now, huh?
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00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:44,609
Yeah, it is getting late.
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00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,523
I guess I'll go home
and rub out a giggity.
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00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:48,707
Take it easy, you guys.
See you later, Meg.
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00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:51,183
Bye.
128
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:52,812
Okay, that was weird.
That was weird.
129
00:05:52,836 --> 00:05:54,230
Right?
Oh, my God, so weird.
130
00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:55,832
I tell you something,
if he touches my daughter,
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00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:57,923
I'm gonna be kicking butts
and taking names!
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00:05:57,991 --> 00:06:00,686
And then giving those names
to other people
whose butts I kick.
133
00:06:01,812 --> 00:06:03,795
What's your name?
Derek.
134
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:04,984
What's your name?
135
00:06:05,048 --> 00:06:06,147
Michael.
136
00:06:06,216 --> 00:06:07,416
You're Derek now!
137
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:05,006
Okay, Glenn,
time to reel her in.
138
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:15,500
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
139
00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,889
Nah. It's too much, too much.
140
00:07:25,395 --> 00:07:26,861
I love stars!
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00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:32,834
We now return to
Grainy Footage of
a Potential Bigfoot
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00:07:32,903 --> 00:07:36,183
that will surely sparka lively debatein your household.
143
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:40,424
Oh, my God!
That is real!
144
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:41,694
No, total fake.
145
00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:45,207
Look at that.
That is obviously a suit.
146
00:07:45,231 --> 00:07:46,809
Look at the way it walks.
147
00:07:46,833 --> 00:07:49,193
Why would somebody
make that up, Lois?
What's in it for them?
148
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:52,504
Oh, hey, Mr. G.
How's it going?
149
00:07:52,572 --> 00:07:53,917
Quagmire,
what are you doing here?
150
00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:56,791
Hi, Glenn. Bye, you guys.
Me and Glenn are going out.
151
00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:58,710
What? Like hell you are!
152
00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:01,762
Don't worry, Dad!
I'll take care of him!
153
00:08:01,831 --> 00:08:03,482
Stay away from my sis!
154
00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:05,661
Okay, you two have
fun on your date.
155
00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:06,701
What?
156
00:08:06,770 --> 00:08:08,797
Drive carefully.
We'll see you later.
157
00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:10,116
Lois, are you out of your mind?
158
00:08:10,140 --> 00:08:11,967
We can't let
Quagmire take Meg
out on a date!
159
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:13,507
That guy'll bang anything.
160
00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:15,271
Hey, Lois, I'm starving.
What's for dinner?
161
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:17,111
I made meatloaf.
It's in the fridge.
162
00:08:17,948 --> 00:08:19,542
Hey, Peter, do you mind?
163
00:08:19,566 --> 00:08:22,317
But I have to get dinner.
Go out!
164
00:08:22,386 --> 00:08:24,535
Peter, nothing's
gonna happen.
Don't you see?
165
00:08:24,604 --> 00:08:26,771
She's only doing this
to get a rise out of us.
166
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,140
If we fight her on it,
she'll only push further.
167
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:30,720
Well, she may not plan
on sleeping with him,
168
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,889
but you don't know
how smooth
Quagmire is, Lois.
169
00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,057
He's like a vagician.
170
00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:35,613
Oh! That's clever.
171
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:37,893
I know! Isn't it?
He practices vagic.
172
00:08:37,917 --> 00:08:39,116
"Vagician" was funnier.
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00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,197
Okay, well, the point is
we ought to be worried.
174
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:43,871
Peter, trust me.
I know what's
going on in her head.
175
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:47,509
It's just a game.
I used to do the same
thing to my parents.
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00:08:47,577 --> 00:08:51,812
The problem is
they pushed back and
the results were not good.
177
00:08:51,881 --> 00:08:53,776
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
we pumped your
daughter's stomach
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00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,266
and we found vodka,
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00:08:55,334 --> 00:08:59,070
Rohypnol, a fair amount of
DNA that is not her own
and a class ring.
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00:08:59,138 --> 00:09:00,171
Harvard?
181
00:09:00,239 --> 00:09:02,607
I think it was SUNY something.
182
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:04,036
Oh! I don't want to
hear anymore!
183
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,320
So, how're your studies going?
184
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:09,625
They're going pretty good.
185
00:09:09,649 --> 00:09:10,776
School's good.
186
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,066
What's your favorite class?
187
00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:13,863
What was your favorite class?
188
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:16,504
Okay,
let's say it at the same time
and see if they're the same.
189
00:09:16,573 --> 00:09:18,790
Okay, one, two, three.
190
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:20,202
Hist... Math!
Math!
191
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,943
Oh, my God,
we have so much
in common!
192
00:09:22,012 --> 00:09:23,695
Do you have any
brothers or sisters?
193
00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:26,530
Yeah, I have two brothers.
They sound terrific.
194
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:27,726
Hey, you want to
blow this joint?
195
00:09:27,750 --> 00:09:28,916
Sure.
196
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:31,185
Oh, wow. Really?
All right, go for it!
197
00:09:31,254 --> 00:09:32,486
Come on. Let's go.
198
00:09:32,555 --> 00:09:33,787
Oh, you mean leave.
199
00:09:33,856 --> 00:09:35,496
No, yeah, sure.
No, let's go.
200
00:09:38,762 --> 00:09:41,122
Gosh, Meg, I sure had
a swell time with you.
201
00:09:41,147 --> 00:09:42,263
Me, too, Glenn.
202
00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:43,809
God, it's so amazing
that you've been
203
00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:45,599
my dad's friend for,
like, years,
204
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,284
and now we have this connection.
205
00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:50,049
Hey, do you want to
come in for some
Crystal Light or something?
206
00:09:50,073 --> 00:09:53,024
Well, I do believe in me,
but it's
getting kind of late.
207
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,243
Um, I really want to
see you again, though.
208
00:09:55,312 --> 00:09:56,928
Ah, you know it.
209
00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:07,450
Oh, God, Peter!
Scared the hell
out of me!
210
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:08,517
What're you doing here?
211
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:09,891
I think you know.
212
00:10:09,959 --> 00:10:11,492
Did you have sex
with my daughter?
213
00:10:11,561 --> 00:10:13,394
What? Come on, Peter.
214
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,874
Did you have sex
with my daughter?
215
00:10:14,898 --> 00:10:16,925
Peter, trust me,
it's not happening.
216
00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:18,533
All right. Good.
217
00:10:18,602 --> 00:10:20,313
Yeah, she's really
making me work for it.
218
00:10:20,337 --> 00:10:21,947
Maybe you could talk to her.
219
00:10:21,971 --> 00:10:25,139
Well, I'll try,
but sometimes she can be
as stubborn as a mule.
220
00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:28,442
I tell you,
you tell her to do something
once she does the opposite.
221
00:10:28,511 --> 00:10:30,689
You know, it's like
she ain't even heard you
in the first place.
222
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:33,314
It's like talking
to a brick wall.
Worse than talking...
223
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:35,833
Even a brick wall
doesn't tell you
they understand you,
224
00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:37,846
and then go
do the opposite,
you know?
225
00:10:37,870 --> 00:10:40,215
So it's no surprise to me
that you're having
these difficulties.
226
00:10:40,239 --> 00:10:42,690
That just seems to
be the way she is.
227
00:10:42,759 --> 00:10:45,076
You know, whether it's just
that she's not listening
228
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,705
or whether it's
that she's making
a conscious decision
229
00:10:47,763 --> 00:10:50,331
to defy your wishes,
who can say, you know?
230
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,785
And I would say,
in some respects,
having a strong-willed kid
231
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:55,331
is a good thing, but it can get
232
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,032
frustrating as hell
on the other side.
233
00:10:57,056 --> 00:10:59,451
So, you know, believe me,
I hear loud and clear
where you're...
234
00:10:59,475 --> 00:11:01,041
Wait a second!
235
00:11:01,110 --> 00:11:02,293
No, I won't talk to her!
236
00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:04,073
And I want you to stay
the hell away from her!
237
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:07,115
Peter, it's me, Quagmire.
This is what I do.
238
00:11:07,183 --> 00:11:09,951
Besides, Meg is 18 now,
and you've gotta let go.
239
00:11:10,020 --> 00:11:12,403
You've done your job.
It's my turn now.
240
00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:14,756
Look, Quagmire,
you're one of
my best pals,
241
00:11:14,824 --> 00:11:16,591
and I'm asking
you not to do this.
242
00:11:16,659 --> 00:11:18,371
I want to help you,
Peter, I really do,
243
00:11:18,395 --> 00:11:20,778
but it's like you're
asking a fish not to swim.
244
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,441
She's legal and I'm going in.
245
00:11:22,465 --> 00:11:23,964
Well, we'll see about that.
246
00:11:24,033 --> 00:11:26,968
I ain't afraid to
stand up to friends.
Just ask Spartacus.
247
00:11:27,053 --> 00:11:28,336
I'm Spartacus.
248
00:11:28,405 --> 00:11:29,721
I'm Spartacus.
249
00:11:29,789 --> 00:11:31,039
That guy's Spartacus.
250
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:37,979
We now return to
Two Lame Chicks on
Vacation in Mexico.
251
00:11:39,482 --> 00:11:41,783
Oh, my God,
don't drink the water.
252
00:11:41,851 --> 00:11:44,335
I'm so going to brush
my teeth with tequila.
253
00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:46,204
Mexico!
Mexico!
254
00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:47,939
Hey, is this beach topless?
255
00:11:48,008 --> 00:11:50,324
No, but my
margarita's bottomless.
256
00:11:50,393 --> 00:11:52,176
Mexico!
Mexico!
257
00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:54,128
I'm totally
gonna wear a sombrero
258
00:11:54,197 --> 00:11:56,030
all the time
when I get back home.
259
00:11:56,098 --> 00:11:57,209
Me, too.
260
00:11:57,233 --> 00:11:59,117
Mexico!
Mexico!
261
00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:01,803
That cute guy's
been staring at you
all night.
262
00:12:01,872 --> 00:12:03,371
Oh, my God.
263
00:12:03,439 --> 00:12:06,051
I'm going to go
take a dump now,
so I don't have to later.
264
00:12:06,075 --> 00:12:08,443
Mexico!
Mexico!
265
00:12:08,512 --> 00:12:10,945
Hey, you want to see
my pictures from Mexico?
266
00:12:11,013 --> 00:12:13,664
Look, Janine, I just...
This is...
267
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,533
I can't with you anymore.
It's all the time.
268
00:12:16,602 --> 00:12:19,370
This is a job.
Please take off
that silly hat.
269
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,474
Mexico!
270
00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:25,503
I... I can't talk
right now.
271
00:12:28,231 --> 00:12:30,164
You okay?
Yeah, babe.
272
00:12:30,233 --> 00:12:33,668
I got to pee,
but I don't want to move.
I'm so comfortable right now.
273
00:12:33,737 --> 00:12:35,036
I can pause it.
274
00:12:35,104 --> 00:12:38,289
I guess you could pause it...
But you can't pause me!
275
00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:39,485
Fast forward.
Fast forward.
Fast forward.
276
00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:40,869
Glenn, stop.
Oh, I can't breathe.
277
00:12:40,910 --> 00:12:42,621
I can't breathe either.
This is torture for me, too.
278
00:12:42,645 --> 00:12:45,446
No fair. Stop.
I'm going to...
279
00:12:46,882 --> 00:12:48,682
Sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
280
00:12:48,718 --> 00:12:51,452
It's just your body.
Sometimes things slip out.
281
00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:52,964
Probably just making
room for something.
282
00:12:52,988 --> 00:12:54,022
Like what?
283
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,734
Hey, gang, got room for one more
284
00:12:55,758 --> 00:12:57,069
right in the middle of you two?
285
00:12:57,093 --> 00:12:59,677
Come on,
scooch apart, there.
Oh, What's this?
286
00:12:59,745 --> 00:13:02,140
Quagmire's cell phone?
Well,
now that you're with Meg,
287
00:13:02,164 --> 00:13:05,065
you don't need
to be talking to
Backbush anymore.
288
00:13:05,134 --> 00:13:07,635
Oh, and I'll send a text
to Possible Nipple Ring
289
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:09,670
saying you're off the market.
290
00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:13,007
You're Possible Nipple Ring?
291
00:13:13,076 --> 00:13:15,287
All right, well, I better
send a text to Backbush.
292
00:13:16,412 --> 00:13:18,090
Oh, come on.
I'm Backbush?
293
00:13:18,114 --> 00:13:19,725
This can't be
a surprise
to you, Peter.
294
00:13:19,749 --> 00:13:22,750
Yeah, I knew.
I just didn't know
you knew.
295
00:13:25,989 --> 00:13:27,488
Okay, what compound is this?
296
00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:28,757
That's sodium chloride.
297
00:13:28,791 --> 00:13:30,068
That's right.
How about this one?
298
00:13:30,092 --> 00:13:31,292
Hydrogen peroxide.
299
00:13:31,361 --> 00:13:33,561
God, you're so smart.
How about this one?
300
00:13:33,630 --> 00:13:36,775
"QM2"?
I'm not sure
what that is.
301
00:13:36,799 --> 00:13:40,000
It's Quag-megium.
It's the strongest
compound on Earth.
302
00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:43,738
Nothing can separate it.
It has an atomic
weight of awesome.
303
00:13:43,806 --> 00:13:46,073
You're such a cutie patootie.
304
00:13:46,142 --> 00:13:48,776
If I'm a cutie patootie,
then you're
a peenie-vageenie.
305
00:13:48,845 --> 00:13:50,361
Aw!
306
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:52,597
I heard a cute
"aw" in there.
Cool down!
307
00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,920
Meg, there's something
we need to talk about.
308
00:13:59,989 --> 00:14:02,501
Dad, I swear to God,
I thought you could
flush those things.
309
00:14:02,525 --> 00:14:04,024
Meg, you ever
heard of Joan Van Ark?
310
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:05,376
No.
311
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,145
Here's a picture
of Joan Van Ark.
312
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:08,974
Oh, my God, she's gorgeous.
313
00:14:08,998 --> 00:14:13,401
Gorgeous.
Yes. Yes, Meg, gorgeous. Yes.
Every man wanted her.
314
00:14:13,470 --> 00:14:15,086
But one man got her.
315
00:14:15,154 --> 00:14:18,690
A man she trusted
to keep her safe and
beautiful forever.
316
00:14:18,758 --> 00:14:20,425
That man was Glenn Quagmire.
317
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:23,878
And two short months later,
this is what
happened to Joan Van Ark.
318
00:14:23,947 --> 00:14:24,996
Oh!
319
00:14:25,064 --> 00:14:26,430
Oh, my God!
320
00:14:26,482 --> 00:14:28,122
I don't want this to
happen to you, Meg.
321
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:30,484
I don't want you to turn
into a hilarious photograph.
322
00:14:30,553 --> 00:14:32,114
Dad, I know what
you're trying to do,
323
00:14:32,138 --> 00:14:34,458
and I want you
to stop it. Mom!
324
00:14:34,524 --> 00:14:35,606
What is it, Meg?
325
00:14:35,674 --> 00:14:37,319
Mom, tell Dad to leave me alone.
326
00:14:37,343 --> 00:14:40,445
I'm 18, and he keeps
treating me like a kid.
327
00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:43,898
Peter,
I told you not to push her
about this Quagmire thing.
328
00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:46,729
If you push too hard,
you're going to push her
right into his arms.
329
00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:47,997
Well, what am I supposed to do?
330
00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:49,047
Nothing.
331
00:14:49,071 --> 00:14:50,683
This is a big game
Meg is playing
332
00:14:50,707 --> 00:14:53,107
and the only way to win
is not to play it.
333
00:14:53,175 --> 00:14:54,336
Is that a WarGames reference?
334
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,626
Might be.
335
00:14:55,694 --> 00:14:57,628
You know WarGames?
Yeah.
336
00:14:57,696 --> 00:14:59,263
Still finding out
new stuff about you.
337
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,864
That's the adventure.
338
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:01,934
There's a nerd in there.
339
00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:03,145
Maybe there is.
340
00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:04,368
I might bang her later.
341
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:05,915
How about a nice game of chess?
342
00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:07,171
I prefer banging.
343
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:08,383
Dad, have you seen my book bag?
344
00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:09,468
What, Chris?
345
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:18,460
Oh, Peter, there you are.
Would you go tell Meg that
lunch is on the table?
346
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:20,145
Oh, Meg's not here.
What do you mean?
347
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:22,315
She and Quagmire
went up to his cabin
for the weekend.
348
00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:23,379
What?
349
00:15:23,406 --> 00:15:24,600
Yeah, I drew you
a crude flip book
350
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:25,784
to explain what's happening.
351
00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:34,427
Okay, I got
a little off track there,
but they went to his cabin.
352
00:15:34,451 --> 00:15:38,853
Peter, Quagmire has
a name for that cabin.
He calls it his "sex cabin."
353
00:15:38,922 --> 00:15:40,683
No, he doesn't.
He calls it
"The Stuffet Inn."
354
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:43,586
Oh, my God, I can't believe
you knew about this
and you let her go.
355
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:46,644
Hey, don't give me that crap.
I'm doing exactly
what you told me to do.
356
00:15:46,713 --> 00:15:48,740
You said don't mess
with her business,
so I didn't.
357
00:15:48,764 --> 00:15:50,581
Peter, this is different.
358
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:53,128
It's one thing to
rebelliously flaunt
an older guy
359
00:15:53,152 --> 00:15:54,496
in front of your parents,
360
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,198
but it's a whole
other thing to
go away with him
361
00:15:56,222 --> 00:15:58,267
for the weekend
to his sex cabin.
362
00:15:58,291 --> 00:15:59,506
Oh, is that right?
363
00:15:59,575 --> 00:16:01,275
Oh, don't worry, Peter,
364
00:16:01,344 --> 00:16:03,527
he's not going
to sleep with her.
365
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:05,813
That's you. Nerd.
366
00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:08,744
Look, everyone knows
if you go away with a guy
for the weekend
367
00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:11,235
and don't have sex with him,
you're a huge bitch.
368
00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:12,569
We got to stop them.
369
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:13,799
So you admit you were wrong.
370
00:16:13,856 --> 00:16:15,300
Yes.
You admit
you were stupid.
371
00:16:15,324 --> 00:16:17,335
Yes, yes.
You admit all
women are stupid.
372
00:16:17,359 --> 00:16:18,837
No.
All right,
I'll take what I can get.
373
00:16:18,861 --> 00:16:20,594
Come on.
To the Peter-dactyl.
374
00:16:30,306 --> 00:16:33,307
Oh, no, now I got to
take care of the babies.
375
00:16:45,788 --> 00:16:49,439
Look,
Peter, his car's still there.
Maybe they haven't left yet.
376
00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:51,603
Quagmire, let me in,
you son of a bitch.
377
00:16:51,627 --> 00:16:53,338
I'm sorry I'm not home
to receive you.
378
00:16:53,362 --> 00:16:55,262
The reason being
379
00:16:55,331 --> 00:16:57,776
that you havesufficiently scared me awayfrom your wife or daughter.
380
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:01,068
I plan to get helpand use betterjudgment in the future.
381
00:17:01,137 --> 00:17:02,870
Wait a minute.
So Quagmire just
382
00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:04,955
changed all of a sudden,
just like that?
383
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,318
You want me to read this or not?
384
00:17:06,342 --> 00:17:07,725
No, Grandpa, I don't.
385
00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:09,727
No kid wants to be
read anything anymore.
386
00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:12,847
Computers exist.
It's just you won't leave.
387
00:17:12,916 --> 00:17:15,466
Okay, where were we?
Quagmire's front door.
388
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:17,734
You think they're
hiding in there?
389
00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:19,420
Oh, no. Peter, look.
390
00:17:19,488 --> 00:17:21,121
See you later, suckers.
391
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,494
Aw. Good luck to them.
Peter!
392
00:17:26,562 --> 00:17:28,642
Oh, right, right.
Let's go.
393
00:17:37,340 --> 00:17:39,090
We're never going
to get up there.
394
00:17:39,158 --> 00:17:41,225
I wonder what's
causing all this traffic.
395
00:17:41,294 --> 00:17:44,044
Oh, boy.
Yep, there's the problem.
Not drawn yet.
396
00:17:48,284 --> 00:17:50,011
Come on, guys.
Really? Let's go.
397
00:17:50,035 --> 00:17:51,881
What the hell's
going on up there?
398
00:17:54,957 --> 00:17:56,957
What? Yep. Yep.
399
00:18:03,817 --> 00:18:06,700
So tell the truth.
Have you brought
other women up here before?
400
00:18:06,769 --> 00:18:08,919
Honestly? Two.
Really?
401
00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:12,223
Yeah, I brought the ashes
of my third grade teacher,
Mrs. Nicholson,
402
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:14,937
and spread them
across the lake,
per her last request.
403
00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:16,276
Ah.
404
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:18,941
The other was
some skag I met on a
dock four miles from here.
405
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:20,108
What?
406
00:18:20,132 --> 00:18:22,010
Strike four, Jelly Jealouson.
407
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:23,417
The other was my sister.
408
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,989
It's so nice up here.
I know.
409
00:18:29,058 --> 00:18:32,493
I love the way the fire
makes the shadows dance
around behind us.
410
00:18:32,562 --> 00:18:34,461
One time,
my friends and I
went camping
411
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:36,597
and nobody could
start a campfire.
412
00:18:36,666 --> 00:18:39,600
And then I tried to
start the campfire,
and I could.
413
00:18:39,669 --> 00:18:41,168
That's insane.
414
00:18:41,237 --> 00:18:43,204
Wha... What is going
on over here? What...
415
00:18:43,272 --> 00:18:46,306
Are we taking
our shirts off now?
Okay, follow the leader.
416
00:18:48,778 --> 00:18:50,194
Come on, Peter, hurry.
417
00:18:50,246 --> 00:18:51,726
Wait, wait,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
418
00:18:52,899 --> 00:18:56,701
Listen to that. It's a loon.
That's beautiful.
419
00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:58,964
You know, we ought to get
a "fuck cabin" up here.
420
00:18:58,988 --> 00:19:00,654
Peter, we're wasting time.
421
00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:03,635
Quagmire's in there
about to have sex
with our daughter.
422
00:19:03,659 --> 00:19:06,210
That son of a bitch.
Let's... Wait a minute.
423
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:08,312
Do you hear that?
424
00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:09,525
I don't hear anything.
425
00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:10,748
I know.
426
00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:11,849
Isn't it bliss?
427
00:19:11,917 --> 00:19:13,533
Peter, let's go!
428
00:19:13,602 --> 00:19:15,730
Mmm. Thanks for
the ice cream, Glenn.
429
00:19:15,754 --> 00:19:18,556
And you're right,
somehow it does taste better
in my underpants.
430
00:19:18,624 --> 00:19:20,541
Yeah, it's like
being at the beach, huh?
431
00:19:20,610 --> 00:19:22,471
Now get over here
while the inside
of your mouth
432
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:23,661
is still freezing cold.
433
00:19:26,365 --> 00:19:28,282
There you are,
you son of a bitch.
434
00:19:30,186 --> 00:19:32,181
You get away
from my daughter,
you pervert.
435
00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:33,682
Meg, get in the car,
we're going home.
436
00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:35,055
I'm not going home.
437
00:19:35,124 --> 00:19:37,836
I'm 18,
and you can't tell me
what to do anymore.
438
00:19:37,860 --> 00:19:39,576
Meg, I'm only
going to say this once.
439
00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:41,846
You may be an adult,
but you're still my daughter,
440
00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:44,315
and it's my job
to protect you
from errant wieners.
441
00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:46,845
So, I don't care
how old you are,
you're going to do what I say
442
00:19:46,869 --> 00:19:48,118
and get in the damn car.
443
00:19:49,037 --> 00:19:50,197
Yes, Daddy.
444
00:19:54,577 --> 00:19:57,110
If you ever touch
my daughter again,
445
00:19:57,179 --> 00:19:59,547
I will cut your thing off
and feed it to Brian.
446
00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:01,048
Okay.
447
00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:03,128
And Peter and I
get this cabin for
one weekend a month.
448
00:20:03,152 --> 00:20:04,963
Do you understand me?
Yes, ma'am.
449
00:20:04,987 --> 00:20:06,131
Peter, I got us the cabin.
450
00:20:06,155 --> 00:20:07,521
Yeah.
451
00:20:07,590 --> 00:20:09,601
I don't want to see
your face
knocking on our door
452
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:11,308
for at least a month.
453
00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:13,588
Would you sign
the guest book
on your way out?
454
00:20:15,598 --> 00:20:22,069
Lois Griffin.
Peter Griffin.
We heard a loon.
455
00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:27,548
You know, Mom and Dad,
456
00:20:27,576 --> 00:20:28,887
I'm really glad that you kept me
457
00:20:28,911 --> 00:20:30,578
from doing what I
was going to do.
458
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:34,014
Well, that's what
parents are for, Meg.
No matter what age you are.
459
00:20:34,083 --> 00:20:37,117
We love you and we just
never want to see you hurt.
460
00:20:37,186 --> 00:20:39,665
I only wish I'd
seen what was going on
from the start,
461
00:20:39,689 --> 00:20:40,921
like your father did.
462
00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:42,923
Well, I know the signs,
463
00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:45,008
because the same thing
happened to me.
464
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:48,078
An older neighbor.
Her name was Elaine.
465
00:20:48,147 --> 00:20:51,982
I was 18 and my body was firm
from push-ups and sit-ups.
466
00:20:52,050 --> 00:20:55,286
I was stunning.
But while my body
was mature,
467
00:20:55,354 --> 00:20:57,388
I had the mind of a 12-year-old.
468
00:20:57,456 --> 00:21:00,557
Elaine invited me over
with the promise of pie.
469
00:21:00,626 --> 00:21:02,058
Little did I know
this would lead
470
00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:05,562
to an eight-year-long
psychosexual entanglement.
471
00:21:05,631 --> 00:21:06,730
She's probably dead now.
472
00:21:07,466 --> 00:21:09,232
Life's funny sometimes.
473
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,368
And, scene.
34111
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