All language subtitles for Family Guy - S10E07 - Amish Guy (Uncensored)-ing1

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

There it is, you guys.

The best roller coaster
in all of Quahog.

(READING)

You know, I think
they kind of figured

that movie was
going to turn out to be
bigger than it was.

Oh, come on, Lois,
it'll be awesome.

It simulates
all the fun of, um...

What was it now?
It was like a tall guy
in a black hat

and a cape or something?

Yeah, yeah.
And there was the guy with
the mask who wore a mask.

And one guy had an umbrella.

Yeah, and I believe
he opened it
at one point.

Yeah, and it wasn't overly long.

Yeah, not overly long.

Sorry, sir,
there's a weight limit
on this coaster.

Oh, really, what's the limit?

The rule is
you can't look hilarious
on this motor scooter.

(LAUGHS)

I'm sorry, there's just no way.

Big news
out of Six Flags
Columbus today,

as they unveil
what promises to be

the largest
roller coaster
in the United States.

That's right, Joyce.
They call it The Holocaust.

The ride has several
Jewish groups up in arms,

as they go over
the first rise. (LAUGHS)

(STUTTERS) No, I'm kidding.
They're actually pretty upset.

Wow! I had heard about
the Holocaust, but I never
believed it till right now.

I have to ride that ride.

Peter, come on, they're
not going to let you
ride that ride either.

You're overweight.

I'm not overweight.
I'm under tall.

Garfield, 1982.

Speaking of which,
do you wanna read something
seriously messed up?

Go out and pick up,
Garfield: His 9 Lives.

An absolutely bizarre,
fucked-up piece of fiction.

Half of them aren't funny.
They're just artsy, scary
and disturbing.

Why did you do
Garfield: His 9 Lives,
Jim Davis?

Why did you do
that dark freaky one where
Garfield kills that old woman?

You wanna see
a picture? Look at this.

This is an actual
picture from the book.

(MIMICKING) "Hey.

"Nice to see you Garfield.

"What's the matter?

"You a little agitated?

"Out to commit murder?"

Come on, Jim, your
job is to give us yuks.

A job you do damn well,
make no mistake.

That's why old Peter's giving
you a get-out-of-jail-free
card on this one.

But I don't wanna see
another one of those.

All right?
'Cause it scared
the bejesus out of me.

And I had to sleep
with my mother for a week.

I am quite finished.

Peter,
if you want to ride
that roller coaster,

you're going to have
to go on a diet.

A diet, huh?
All right, well,
how's that work?

Well, I suppose
you can start by
keeping a food journal,

like Quagmire does.

Yeah, in fact,
I got it right here.

Today, I ate Peaches,
Ginger, Honey,
Candy, Olive.

You know what?
This is the wrong list.

All right,
if that's what it takes
to ride that ride,

I am going on a diet.
And I'm not stopping

till I look as good as
my great aunt, Legs Go
All The Way Up Griffin.

Hey, baby,
do those legs go
all the way up?

Why, yes, they do.

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God!
You're a monster!

(TIRES SCREECHING)
Come back.

I'll let you do me
in the back of the head.

Hey, what do you
got there, Peter?
Rice cakes.

Never had one, but somebody
told me this is a really
good way to start your diet.

(SCREAMS)

(COUGHING)

Who could think of
such a horrible thing?

(LAUGHING)

We know you not like rice cake.

(WOMEN SINGING)

(GONG CLANGS)

All right, Peter, the most
important thing when you're
on a diet is willpower.

Now I'm going
to put this steaming pie
on the window sill to cool.

Now, no matter
how many beckoning fingers
that steam morphs into,

or how badly
it tries to sneak
its way up your nose,

I want you
to resist the urge to
levitate off the ground

and float towards the pie.

Doesn't seem too hard.
All right, go stand
over there.

(LAUGHS)

No, you don't.

No, no, you can't go in there.

No, no, stay out of there.
That's my special area!

(SCREAMS)

No! Stop!
I'm saying no!

I'm saying no!

What kind of pie is this?

Peter, it's making me watch!

Peter, I don't understand
why we have to drive
all the way to Ohio

to ride a stupid roller coaster.

Yeah, besides,
they're still not
going to let you on.

You haven't actually
lost any weight.

Oh, I think my lithe figure
would suggest otherwise.

A girdle is not
a substitute for
weight loss, Peter.

Hey, I'm riding
that roller coaster, and
that's all there is to it.

Now let's get out of here.
This thing's squishing
my organs around.

(BEATING)

There it is, kids.
Columbus, Ohio.

Now, remember,
there are no rules about who
can wear stretch pants here,

so you're
going to see some
pretty shocking things.

Brian, is this our vacation?

Yeah.

Oh.

Are we trash?

Kinda.
Oh.

I'm sorry, sir.
You're too fat
to ride the coaster.

Oh, darn it.

Yeah, why don't you go back
to your pond, hippo? (LAUGHS)

How about me, sir?

Am I too fat to ride?

No, you don't
seem to be.
(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

Well, you got to hand it to him.

He had a dream
and he made it happen.

That's what the
Wright brothers did.

So, how's your boyfriend,
Orville, doing?

Ex-boyfriend, if you don't mind.

And who cares?

He's probably off
in a barn somewhere
working on a contraption

with that weird
brother of his.
Ew.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

ORVILLE:
Ha-ha! Bitch.

You're so pretty.
I miss you.

(GEARS GRINDING)

(ALL SCREAMING)
(CRASHES)

PETER: Well, this has given me
a lot to think about.

WOMAN: (SCREAMS)
My son is dead!

We are going to have
to send that family money.

I know we are.

Mom, I'm hungry.
Can we stop and
get some food?

Well, I guess it is
close to dinner time.

Chris, Stewie, you hungry?

(YAWNS)

What are you looking at?

You going to propose?

What?
Yeah, exactly.
"What?"

Eyes front.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)

What the hell?

(AIR HISSING)

Looks like it's the radiator.

Wow! Brian identifies
another problem
without a solution.

Let's see if
I can walk home
before he shuts up.

Geez, Chris,
what's your problem?

I wanted a ferret!

Well, we're just going
to have to find
a local mechanic.

On a Friday evening?

I don't think
we're going to have
any luck till Monday.

Besides, probably
not a lot of mechanics
around here.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

So, we're stuck here?

Hey, Lois, you see
that barn out there?

You know who it was built by?

By Mennonites.

Well, I guess
we better see if there's
a hotel or something.

I can't believe
we're stuck in
Amish country.

Yeah, I thought
something was "a-mish."

Hey, excuse me, fella?

Yeah, we're looking for a room.

Are ye indeed, outsiders?

We do not see
many of your folk
in these parts,

but we welcome
all of God's children
in their hour of need.

Well, actually,
I think we need it
for more than an hour.

Or do we,
right, Lois?
(LAUGHING)

I do not last very long.

Ew. Creepy.
What's this?

It's an Amish doll.

They're not allowed
to have faces.

Has something to do with vanity.

Looks like
a cross-dressing
Cobra Commander.

Who?
Cobra Commander.

He's the head of Cobra.
The bad guys from G.I. Joe.

The guys who
oddly shout the name of
their terrorist organization

as they're attacking.

Guys, we're under attack.

By who?
I don't know.

Cobra!

Oh, it's Cobra.
Oh, of course.

Look, they have the
pictures of the snakes
on their planes.

Duke, what have I been
saying for years?

What makes a good
terrorist organization?

Brand recognition.
Brand recognition.

Mom, I can't stay here.

There's no electricity,
no telephones,
it's horrible.

Excuse me.

I assure you
our community is
quite pleasant.

Perhaps I could
show thee around.

Okay.

My name is Eli.

My parents run the inn.

If there is anything we can do

to make your room more plain,

do not be afraid to ask.

Ah, we'll be all right.

A hotel in Amish Country
can't be any worse than
staying in a youth hostel.

Hi, I'd like a room.

Preferably one
where I have to sleep with
my bag taped to my body.

We have one
where some Italian
backpackers

have laid out every
item of clothing they own
on all of the beds.

Perfect.
Will my bunkmates be
constantly talking about me

in a foreign language?

Yes, they will, sir.
Oh, great.

Uh, also, I'm going to have
some mail delivered here,

and I want it
to sit in that box
for four years.

Oh, and what street
is the bathroom on?

So, what
do you do for fun
around here?

We do chores and
we watch other people
do chores.

Sounds kind of boring.

Alas, there are times
when I feel as if there is
much of life I am missing.

Yeah, it'd be tough
having no technology.

I don't think
I could live
without my iPhone.

You have an iPhone?

Yeah.
You've heard of it?

Yes, but only because people
sometimes search for Amish
farms on their iPhones.

Here comes one now.

(BEEPS)

Thanks for a fun evening, Eli.

And thanks for being
so nice to me.

I think you are
the most fascinating girl
I have ever met, Meg.

Here. I want you
to have this.

Your iPhone?
Yeah.

I made you a playlist
of songs that I like.

Who is this I am hearing?

It's Avril Lavigne.

Why does she shout at me?

I don't know.
Most of my music I just
get pressured to buy.

Thank you for this gift, Meg.

Eli! What are you doing
with that outsider?

Her name is Meg, Father.

And I was
just showing her
our community.

You stay away from her.
She will try to corrupt you.

That is not true, Father.
Meg is wonderful.

She is an outsider.

She does not follow
the one true path.

You are not
to see this girl again.
Do you understand?

I forbid it.

(SIGHS)

Yes, sir.
Now come home
at once.

And, as for you,

I suggest you stay away
from my son, you harlot.

(SOBBING)

Hey, there, young one,
why so sad?

It's just that
I really like this boy,
but his dad...

Oh! Look out.
(MEG SCREAMS)

(THUDDING)
Sorry, there.

Didn't realize
how long it had been

since Ol' Dumper
did his business.

He'll be done
soon enough. Oh!
(THUDDING CONTINUES)

Maybe not.

Doesn't sound
like pooping, does it?

Sounds more
like someone dropping
sandwiches off a rooftop.

Watch out below, right?

Look like Hacky Sacks.

You'll be sorry
if you kick 'em,
though. (INHALES)

All righty, well he seems
to be all done now.

You have
a good evening...
(THUDDING RESUMES)

Oh, my goodness.

He must have gotten into
the chicken feed again.

You'd think they'd know
it wasn't in their diet,

but this is how they find out.

You may want to
close your mouth.

(SOBBING)

Meg, what's wrong?

Eli's father, Ezekiel,
said that I can't
see him anymore!

He said I was trying
to corrupt his son.

He did, did he?
Well, that does it!

We are gonna
teach this town
how to dance!

Oh, Meg, I'm so sorry.

I'd try to talk
to Eli's father
for you, honey,

but I don't know
if it's my place.

Ezekiel wouldn't listen
to you anyway, Lois.
You're a woman.

These people live
in a patriarchal society.

The only member of our family

whose word would
carry any weight

would be Meg's father.

Dad, will you talk to Ezekiel?

Will you tell him
I'm not trying
to corrupt his son?

Please?
All right, I'll do it.

But don't expect any miracles.

I'm not good with confrontation.

Like when I got stuck
behind that giraffe
at the ballgame.

Yeah! Nice hit!
Frozen rope! Awesome!

What just happened?
Ground rule
double! Whoo!

I couldn't even
see it.
Yeah, it was something.

Ducks on a pond!
Let's bring 'em in!

Could you please sit down?

I am sitting down.
You sit up.

I am sitting up, but
I still can't see a thing.

Yeah, sounds like
a "you" problem.
Let's go, Sox!

Before we commence
with Samuel Fisher's
barn raising,

let us pray.

Dear Amish Lord,

thou looketh
sternly down upon us
thine flock,

even though
we did not do
anything wrong,

and have been doing chores
like fucking crazy.

Please make us humble
and deliver us more hardship,

that we may get thick,
calloused hands,

much larger than other people's.

And grant
that we become dull,
like Eric Bana,

who we have never seen,
but are just going
by reputation,

because it is your will.

We solemnly believe

that although humans
have been around
for a million years,

you feel strongly that
they had just the right
amount of technology

between 1835 and 1850.

Not too little, not too much.

Please deliver us
from Thomas Edison,

the worst human being
who ever lived.

And protect us
from those who laugh
at our buggies or our hats.

And deliver us from mustaches.

Amen.

Hey, Ezekiel?

You must be
Mr. Griffin.

Look, I know
you guys are busy with your
barn raising and all, but, uh,

you know,
I just wanted to tell you
how much my daughter Meg

loves your boy Eli.

I promise you,
she ain't trying to
corrupt him or nothing.

Mr. Griffin,
with all due respect,

we live in two different worlds.

I must do what is
best for my son,
and I have.

Hey, how do we know
what's gonna happen?

For all we know,
Meg might want to
Amish herself.

I had not considered this.

I was verily preoccupied
with Eli's corruption.

Plus, it is the time
of the month

when Eli's mother is
on the burlap.

So what do you say,
let the kids
give it a shot?

Perhaps, Mr. Griffin.
Perhaps.

Good. Now,
on another note,

I notice you don't have
a damn lick of music
in this town.

We do not believe
in such ostentations.

Well, I am about
to change your mind.

Introducing rock 'n' roll.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ I'm on a highway
to hell

♪ Highway to hell

♪ I'm on the highway
to hell

♪ Highway to hell ♪

You are banished
from our community
at once!

And take your whore
daughter with you!

How did it go, Dad?

Very well, Meg.

My recollection is that
it went extremely well.

Really? Oh, my God,
Dad, that's fantastic!

So I can see Eli again?

EZEKIEL: Griffins!

(CROWD CLAMORING)

What's going on here?

Your family must
leave our community and
return to the outside world.

Dad, what's happening?
I thought you talked to him.

Sir, please,
whatever your quarrel is
with my husband,

I'm sure it's
probably justified,

but I'm begging you,

don't punish
the children for it.

They're innocent in all this.

Innocent, are they?

I found this in Eli's corn hole!

Well, I...
His what?

A compartment
in Eli's room where
he stores his corn.

Oh. Well, okay,
whatever you say.

Look, Ezekiel,
we would love to go back
to the city, believe me.

I haven't had a drink
in three days.

But our car broke down.
We can't go anywhere
until it gets fixed.

I have arranged to
have that taken care of.

This ride's gonna be
so frustrating.

I know. These horses
are so slow.
Sexy.

Sexy.

Good-bye,
Abraham Lincoln people.

(SOBBING)

I'm sorry, Meg.

Eli was the best boy
I'll ever meet.

And now I'll never
see him again.

ELI: Yes,
you will, Meg.

(GASPS) Eli.
Eli? What are you
doing here?

I could not
let you leave
without me, Meg.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Hey, Lois,
watch me lay rubber
in front of these losers.

(URGES HORSES)

Yeah! Choke
on that, nerds.

Eli, I agree
that your father was being
somewhat unreasonable,

but I don't think
running away
is the answer.

I know, Mrs. Griffin.
And I am sorry.

But I just could not
bear the thought of
never seeing Meg again.

You ever seen one of these, Eli?

It's a Coleco football game.

Pretty mind-blowing, huh?

You know what?
This is garbage to us.

(CLATTERING)
What the hell is that?

Holy crap!
Who did this?

It must have been my father.

This is how the Amish
declare a feud.

But I thought
they were nonviolent.

We are, but Peter must have
really pissed off my dad.

Hey, who raked the leaves?

And look,
somebody mowed the lawn.
I was supposed to do that.

(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)

I have done your chores
to rob you of the joy
of doing chores.

You bastard.

Peter, we don't have a choice.
We've gotta bring Eli back.

Oh, no, we don't.

What are you talking about?

We can't be
part of a feud
with the Amish.

I didn't start this thing, Lois,

but I'm gonna finish it.

Joe, go round up Quagmire

and all the modern day
technology you can find.

We are going to war.

Oh! Oh, hey, Bonnie.
Is Joe there?

Well, can I leave
a message for him?

Yeah, it's
what I said before
about the war thing.

(BEEPING)

All right, men, this is it.

Technology versus
old-timey wooden stuff.

Let's hit 'em hard.

What, again,
was the nature of
your beef with them?

I don't know. Something
about a roller coaster.
Let's go.

(ALL GRUNT)

Apples! Fire!

(SCREAMING)
Damn it!

Quilters! Advance!

(ALL SHOUT)

(JOE GROANING)

JOE: I bet
this hurts so much!

(SCREAMING)

QUAGMIRE: Oh,
damn it! I'm bleeding!

Now it's an AIDS quilt.

Suck on this,
you furry little weirdoes.

(HORSE NEIGHS)
(ALL SCREAMING)

Enough of this crap.

Ezekiel.

Call off your boys
and let's you and me
finish this man-to-man.

Indeed. Prepare
for a goodly beating.

Dad, stop.
Leave him alone.

Father, what are you doing?

I am going to kill that man.

That man is
my girlfriend Meg.
(PETER CHUCKLES)

This is against everything
our people stand for.

Will you listen to me
for one moment?

You were so worried
about these outsiders

coming into our community
and corrupting me.

But look at yourself.

You're the one
who's allowed yourself
to be corrupted.

God in heaven.

You are right.

I am deeply ashamed.

I only wanted to protect you.

I know you did, Father.

PETER: Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

(SIGHS) Son, it is
your life to live.

I must accept
the life you choose.

I choose to stay here.

What?
What?

Meg, you are the
most beautiful woman
I will ever know.

You have shown me
so many wondrous things

that have opened my eyes
to the world beyond my home.

But this is where I belong.

I'm sorry if this
upsets you, Meg.

I love you, Eli.

I'll always love you.

If this is what you
have to do, then,

all I can say is...

I'll never forget you.

(SIGHS)

I am sorry there has been
conflict between us.

Allow me to make amends.

Please, help yourself
to anything in my corn hole.

Hey, don't worry about it.
We can still be pals.

And I know just the place

for us to go
and blow off
all this steam.

♪ We went dancin'

♪ Across the USA

♪ On that crazy king's highway

♪ Too much passion

♪ Too much play

♪ We went
dancin', dancin', dancin'

♪ Across the USA

♪ Dancin',
dancin' across the USA

♪ Dancin', dancin', dancin'
Across the USA

♪ Dancin', dancin' ♪