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00:00:02,085 --> 00:00:04,820
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,888 --> 00:00:08,223
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,291 --> 00:00:11,794
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:14,846
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:18,283
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,453
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,188
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,256 --> 00:00:24,923
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,975 --> 00:00:28,693
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,385 --> 00:00:36,980
And we're back with our coverage
11
00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:38,915
of the Quahog
Thanksgiving Day Parade.
12
00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:40,355
Happy Turkey Day, Quahog.
13
00:00:40,424 --> 00:00:43,091
This is Tom Tucker
and Joyce Kinney
live at the parade.
14
00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:45,177
We've got some on-and-off
drizzle here today,
15
00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:46,846
and we're a little wet,
as you can see,
16
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:50,482
because, apparently,
there are no awnings
that exist anywhere.
17
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:51,995
There's your top
news story right there.
18
00:00:52,019 --> 00:00:54,886
Mysterious awning shortage
ravages the Northeast,
19
00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:58,173
but miraculously
has not affected
Channels 2 or 6.
20
00:01:00,844 --> 00:01:03,395
No, no.
Keep the camera over there.
I want everyone to see it.
21
00:01:03,463 --> 00:01:05,013
This is why we're third.
22
00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:07,494
And here comes
our first float
of the day, Tom.
23
00:01:07,518 --> 00:01:11,186
It's the James
Woods High football team
with their "Not Gay Revue."
24
00:01:12,857 --> 00:01:14,806
♪ We just won the big game
25
00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:19,011
♪ We just won the big game
26
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:22,113
♪ We drilled 'emand banged 'emand plowed 'em a lot
27
00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:23,577
♪ And though that
sounds suggestive
28
00:01:23,601 --> 00:01:25,545
♪ Let me stress
that it's not ♪
29
00:01:25,569 --> 00:01:27,931
And here comes the
Rocky and Bullwinkle float.
30
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:30,839
Always a popular
sight here at the...
31
00:01:30,907 --> 00:01:32,407
Somebody want to handle that?
32
00:01:32,476 --> 00:01:35,477
Does somebody...
Does somebody want
to deal with that?
33
00:01:35,546 --> 00:01:38,647
The car alarm.
"What?" You're kidding.
34
00:01:38,716 --> 00:01:40,059
Well, viewers, to top it off,
35
00:01:40,083 --> 00:01:42,551
that's the Channel 5
news van you're hearing.
36
00:01:42,619 --> 00:01:45,787
Phil, Phil, just open it...
Unlock the doors.
37
00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,956
You don't have to put
the key in the ignition.
38
00:01:48,024 --> 00:01:50,258
Well, open
the driver's side first.
39
00:01:50,327 --> 00:01:51,604
Okay, well,
I guess it's broken, then,
40
00:01:51,628 --> 00:01:52,972
and there's nothing
we can do about it.
41
00:01:52,996 --> 00:01:55,497
Okay, happy Thanksgiving,
Quahog. Here's a car alarm.
42
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:58,194
All right, well,
I guess we'll just...
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00:01:58,218 --> 00:01:59,318
Ah! There we go.
44
00:02:00,471 --> 00:02:01,948
Oh, that must be Joe and Bonnie.
45
00:02:01,972 --> 00:02:03,956
Now remember, everyone,
let's be cheerful,
46
00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:06,024
'cause Thanksgivings
are very hard for them.
47
00:02:06,076 --> 00:02:07,676
'Cause Joe can't walk?
No.
48
00:02:07,745 --> 00:02:10,144
'Cause his bum doesn't
open up to poo anymore,
49
00:02:10,213 --> 00:02:13,648
and a nurse has to
go digging up there
to get up after his stuff?
50
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:15,784
Oh, my God!
51
00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:18,080
I know.
That was told to me
in confidence.
52
00:02:18,104 --> 00:02:19,904
No. Don't you remember,
Peter?
53
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:23,258
It was on Thanksgiving
that their son Kevin
got killed in Iraq.
54
00:02:23,326 --> 00:02:26,545
Oh, yeah. Wait, wait, which...
Which Iraq war was that again?
55
00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:28,591
Was that the one from
before I had a cell phone
56
00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:30,360
or the one from
after I had a cell phone?
57
00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:32,184
After MySpace
but before Twitter.
58
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:34,293
There was a time before Twitter?
59
00:02:35,305 --> 00:02:36,538
Look who's here!
60
00:02:36,607 --> 00:02:37,739
Happy Thanksgiving.
61
00:02:37,808 --> 00:02:38,940
Gobble, gobble.
62
00:02:39,009 --> 00:02:41,709
You guys, thanks so much
for having us over.
63
00:02:41,779 --> 00:02:43,757
Well, we're just glad
we can have people
over again
64
00:02:43,781 --> 00:02:45,475
now that that giant crab's gone.
65
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,599
Hey, guys, how ya doin'?
Come on in.
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00:02:47,651 --> 00:02:49,245
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
67
00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:50,847
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
68
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:53,416
Just go around it.
He's not gonna hurt ya.
Just go around it.
69
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,674
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no. No, no, no, no, no,
70
00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:56,853
no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
71
00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:58,522
All right,
try just going under him.
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00:02:58,546 --> 00:02:59,990
I think we should
probably just go home.
73
00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:01,379
Maybe we'll do it another time.
74
00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:02,568
No, no, no, no, no.
75
00:03:09,539 --> 00:03:12,441
What the hell?
Mom! Mom, it's me! Mom!
76
00:03:12,509 --> 00:03:14,443
Oh, yeah, it's a baby.
77
00:03:14,511 --> 00:03:17,312
It's a big balloon baby,
just like you're a baby.
78
00:03:17,380 --> 00:03:19,125
No, it's me!
It's a balloon of me!
79
00:03:19,149 --> 00:03:20,432
Peter, come look at this.
80
00:03:20,484 --> 00:03:23,352
He sees a baby and knows
that he's also a baby.
81
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:26,087
So smart.
Mama's smart little boy.
82
00:03:26,890 --> 00:03:28,690
Aah, check out Quagmire.
83
00:03:28,759 --> 00:03:31,638
It's been a year and a half,
and he still looks
uncomfortable around his dad.
84
00:03:31,662 --> 00:03:33,194
Well, it's a big adjustment.
85
00:03:33,263 --> 00:03:36,514
After all, his dad did have
a sex change operation.
86
00:03:36,583 --> 00:03:39,000
So... How are things, Dad?
87
00:03:39,068 --> 00:03:40,680
Oh, Glenn, I can't tell you how
88
00:03:40,704 --> 00:03:42,315
wonderful it is to be back here.
89
00:03:42,339 --> 00:03:45,201
This is gonna be
a really special
Thanksgiving.
90
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:48,026
Happy Thanksgiving!
We brought chicken wings.
91
00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:51,055
Oh, yum!
I hope they're the kind
with the bone removed.
92
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:56,779
Hey, Aunt Carol.
Hey, Uncle Adam.
93
00:03:56,803 --> 00:03:58,419
La, la, la, la, la.
94
00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:02,157
Don't mention last
night's Project Runway.
I've got it on TiVo.
95
00:04:02,225 --> 00:04:05,226
Happy Thanksgiving.
I brought Marshmallow Peeps.
96
00:04:05,295 --> 00:04:07,229
Oh, okay.
97
00:04:07,297 --> 00:04:09,431
I'm gonna need
that Pyrex dish back.
98
00:04:09,799 --> 00:04:10,899
Okay.
99
00:04:10,967 --> 00:04:12,934
I'm gonna need it back now.
100
00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,069
Oh.
101
00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:17,205
I don't want anything else today
102
00:04:17,274 --> 00:04:19,040
to get as tense
as that just got.
103
00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:20,536
Carol, it's so good to see you.
104
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:21,977
You, too, Lois.
105
00:04:22,045 --> 00:04:23,706
God, that is one nice ass.
106
00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:25,730
Thank you.
You're welcome.
107
00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:28,867
This is nice.
108
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:32,070
This is very nice,
the time that we're
spending together right now.
109
00:04:32,139 --> 00:04:33,388
Easy, Joe.
110
00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:34,655
Sorry.
111
00:04:34,724 --> 00:04:36,224
Just making mental memories
112
00:04:36,293 --> 00:04:39,644
for when you're
all inevitably dead
and I'm left alone.
113
00:04:39,712 --> 00:04:41,207
Geez. Quagmire,
help me out with this.
114
00:04:41,231 --> 00:04:42,897
No, he's right.
I mean, sometimes
115
00:04:42,966 --> 00:04:44,699
chicks die and it's
not anyone's fault.
116
00:04:44,768 --> 00:04:47,719
Okay, everyone,
it's 2:30. Time for dinner.
117
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:51,273
'Cause on Thanksgiving,
2:30 is dinnertime
for some reason.
118
00:04:54,845 --> 00:04:57,474
All right, Poligrip,
this is where you
earn your money.
119
00:04:57,498 --> 00:05:00,782
Oh, my. Lois,
those sweet potatoes
look delicious.
120
00:05:00,851 --> 00:05:02,416
That's the stuffing, Ma.
121
00:05:02,485 --> 00:05:05,264
Now put on your glasses
before you run over
another black guy.
122
00:05:05,288 --> 00:05:08,990
Oh, this looks fantastic.
I can't wait
to poop this out.
123
00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:12,344
Hey! Who's gonna get
the Thanksgiving
dump trophy this year?
124
00:05:12,412 --> 00:05:13,873
You are!
Dad's gonna get it!
125
00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:15,297
Who else?
126
00:05:16,299 --> 00:05:17,899
Loving... Loving family.
127
00:05:17,967 --> 00:05:19,701
Well, dig in, everyone!
128
00:05:24,073 --> 00:05:25,685
Hello, Ida.
Hello, Brian.
129
00:05:25,709 --> 00:05:27,587
How have you been?
Very well, thank you.
130
00:05:27,611 --> 00:05:30,539
He threw up when
he found out
you were a monster.
131
00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:32,997
This food is so
fucking good, Lois.
132
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:35,083
Oh, okay. Wow!
133
00:05:35,152 --> 00:05:37,685
Hey! Is there room
at that table for one more?
134
00:05:41,592 --> 00:05:42,841
Oh, my God!
135
00:05:42,909 --> 00:05:44,492
Kevin Swanson!
136
00:05:44,561 --> 00:05:46,228
Son, you're alive!
137
00:05:46,296 --> 00:05:49,313
Oh, and I stayed up all night
writing dead kid jokes.
138
00:05:49,382 --> 00:05:51,027
All right, you know what,
I'm gonna do one anyway.
139
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:54,252
Kevin, go back outside.
Everybody pretend
this didn't happen.
140
00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:57,555
Hey, Joe,
what's your favorite
preparation of a tomato?
141
00:05:58,391 --> 00:06:00,291
Is it "son died" tomato?
142
00:06:01,461 --> 00:06:03,945
Is it "son died" tomato?
143
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:07,059
Okay, Kevin,
you can come back in.
Welcome home, soldier.
144
00:06:08,185 --> 00:06:09,834
Son died tomato.
145
00:06:17,094 --> 00:06:19,454
Kevin, you're alive!
I don't believe it.
146
00:06:19,479 --> 00:06:21,380
Oh, my God, it's a miracle!
147
00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:24,666
Well, I guess you
replaced real butter
as the star of the dinner.
148
00:06:24,751 --> 00:06:26,117
But I don't understand.
149
00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:29,148
The Army said you'd
been killed in action.
What happened?
150
00:06:29,172 --> 00:06:32,256
Well, it's quite a story.
151
00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:35,560
In some ways,Army life in Iraqis what you'd expect,
152
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:38,897
what with the blistering heat,the constant senseof impending danger,
153
00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:42,184
and the one gay soldierawkwardly avoidingthe use of pronouns.
154
00:06:42,252 --> 00:06:44,569
Man, I sure miss
my sweetheart back home.
155
00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:46,966
I can't wait to get
back to that person.
156
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,240
Chow time, boys.
157
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:50,203
Yes, sir, Sergeant
Major General Captain!
158
00:06:50,227 --> 00:06:52,110
Ah, come on, boys,
it's Thanksgiving.
159
00:06:52,178 --> 00:06:54,779
Call me Major General Captain.
Now you eat up.
160
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,517
I don't trust that
turkey those Iraqis made.
161
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:02,120
Ah, you're all wet, Swanson.
I call the white meat.
162
00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:03,354
I call the dark meat.
163
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,051
I call the cell phone
duct taped to the side!
164
00:07:05,075 --> 00:07:06,524
No!
165
00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:11,958
They're all dead, sir,
except for Swanson.
166
00:07:11,982 --> 00:07:14,127
He's in a coma,
but he's unlikely
to recover.
167
00:07:14,151 --> 00:07:15,728
Okay, well,
just send Swanson's parents
168
00:07:15,752 --> 00:07:17,251
a letter saying that he's dead,
169
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:18,987
'cause those are
already printed.
170
00:07:19,056 --> 00:07:21,122
You know what?
Send one to my parents, too.
171
00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:24,092
I spent five years
in a Kuwait military hospital.
172
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:27,262
I woke up from
the coma last week
and I flew straight here.
173
00:07:27,331 --> 00:07:29,063
Kind of a Thanksgiving surprise.
174
00:07:29,132 --> 00:07:32,172
Hey, when you get
sexually abused
while you're in a coma,
175
00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:34,864
do you know it's happening
and just can't do
anything about it?
176
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,582
Or do you not even
know what's going on?
177
00:07:36,606 --> 00:07:38,390
I also am curious about that.
178
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:41,359
Hey, Kevin, you know I put
a yellow ribbon on
my car for you guys?
179
00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:44,162
And a little thing that says,
"I support the troops."
180
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:46,897
'Cause there's nothing
I wouldn't do for you guys.
181
00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:48,849
But I don't have any change
on me right now.
182
00:07:48,919 --> 00:07:51,536
Well, all that matters
is that my boy is home.
183
00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:54,906
Kevin, I want you to meet
your little sister, Susie.
184
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,691
Wow. Hey, little sis.
185
00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:58,793
I guess we got some
catching up to do, huh?
186
00:07:58,862 --> 00:08:01,462
Hope you don't get scared
when I scream
and have night terrors.
187
00:08:01,531 --> 00:08:03,960
- It's quite all right.
- I've seen worse.
188
00:08:06,103 --> 00:08:09,754
- A human centipede.
- How ghastly!
189
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:13,525
Your mother and I are
very proud of you, Kevin.
You're a war hero.
190
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,070
I don't feel like a war hero.
191
00:08:15,094 --> 00:08:16,844
Only a war hero would say that.
192
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:19,380
Hey, so what about
the female
soldiers over there?
193
00:08:19,449 --> 00:08:20,729
Were they able to contribute?
194
00:08:20,784 --> 00:08:22,345
Eh, you know,
they did their best.
195
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:23,929
What with their
regular bleedings,
196
00:08:23,953 --> 00:08:25,681
when they got shot,
did they even know?
197
00:08:25,705 --> 00:08:27,400
Look, guys, I'm not a hero.
198
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,685
And I don't want to be
treated any different
than before.
199
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:32,121
Just that you would
say that means we should
treat you different.
200
00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:34,465
Come on, guys,
let's give him
all our best food.
201
00:08:35,966 --> 00:08:38,686
Okay, now you eat up,
and then we're all gonna
go out back and play
202
00:08:38,718 --> 00:08:40,551
some Thanksgiving
touch football,
203
00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:44,088
excuse me, war hero
Thanksgiving touch football.
204
00:08:50,396 --> 00:08:51,863
Yeah!
U.S.A.!
205
00:08:51,932 --> 00:08:54,252
I didn't even know
there was a war.
206
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:58,302
Okay, let's pick teams.
I'll be a captain
207
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:00,539
and Mayor West,
you can be a captain.
208
00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:02,552
All right.
I pick you.
209
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:04,609
You can't pick me.
I'm a captain.
210
00:09:04,661 --> 00:09:07,779
No one had ever stood up
to me like that before.
211
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,792
I respected him
from there on out.
212
00:09:09,816 --> 00:09:12,967
That's a great story,
Grandpa.
I didn't like it.
213
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:15,070
None of my
grandchildren had ever
214
00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:17,372
disliked one of
my stories before.
215
00:09:17,441 --> 00:09:19,607
From then on,
he was my favorite.
216
00:09:19,676 --> 00:09:22,038
Well, I don't
like that story,
Great Grandpa.
217
00:09:23,913 --> 00:09:26,347
Future old people are wizards.
218
00:09:26,416 --> 00:09:29,333
Okay,
so here's the game.
I'm... I'm drunk
219
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:32,203
and I'm gonna
throw the football
too hard at my kids.
220
00:09:32,271 --> 00:09:34,439
Oh, Dad,
do we have to... Ow!
221
00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:38,042
Don't cry! Don't cry!
Game's over if you cry.
222
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:40,528
I want you to learn
about life, Chris,
223
00:09:40,597 --> 00:09:44,115
'cause of,
in life it's like this.
224
00:09:44,183 --> 00:09:46,267
Peter,
I think you may have
had one too many.
225
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:48,002
Maybe it's time
to ease off, huh?
226
00:09:48,071 --> 00:09:49,632
What are you
talking about, Lois?
227
00:09:49,656 --> 00:09:52,790
Dads getting
drunk on Thanksgiving
is a holiday tradition.
228
00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:54,809
I work hard to put a cornucopia
229
00:09:54,878 --> 00:09:56,794
on this table and
you're out showing
230
00:09:56,863 --> 00:10:01,165
your lower ankle
to every Tom, Tom
and other Tom in our village!
231
00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:03,284
Don't talk to mother
in like fashion!
232
00:10:03,353 --> 00:10:05,536
That's it.
The belt is coming off.
233
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:13,361
All right, son.
Let's put these bozos
in a hurt locker. Right?
234
00:10:13,430 --> 00:10:16,681
'Cause "hurt locker"
means some kind of
war hero thing, or something.
235
00:10:16,733 --> 00:10:20,101
Pfft. My friends
and I used to laugh
about how fake that movie is.
236
00:10:20,170 --> 00:10:22,704
But... Well, wait, I...
237
00:10:22,773 --> 00:10:26,157
I'm pretty sure
that movie came out
after you went into your coma.
238
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:28,938
Right, no, no... Uh.
I was talking about
a different movie.
239
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,745
Let's play ball!
240
00:10:30,813 --> 00:10:32,763
Yeah, let's play ball.
241
00:10:32,832 --> 00:10:34,449
Ow!
242
00:10:34,518 --> 00:10:38,035
The world has
changed around me
and I'm mad and scared!
243
00:10:42,258 --> 00:10:44,926
Lois, this pumpkin pie
looks delightful.
244
00:10:44,994 --> 00:10:46,644
Hey, Kevin,
can I see your Purple Heart?
245
00:10:46,713 --> 00:10:48,313
'Cause I never
actually seen one.
246
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:51,132
One time this homeless guy
showed me his purple head,
247
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,967
but looking back,
I'm not so sure that
248
00:10:53,035 --> 00:10:54,769
that was really
a military thing.
249
00:10:54,837 --> 00:10:57,650
Pfft. I didn't want
that stupid medal.
You know what I did with it?
250
00:10:57,674 --> 00:10:59,751
I threw it back over
the White House fence.
251
00:10:59,775 --> 00:11:01,270
Wait a minute.
I thought you said
252
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:02,738
you flew straight
home from Kuwait
253
00:11:02,762 --> 00:11:04,474
after you woke from your coma.
254
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:07,231
When did you throw your medal
over the White House fence?
255
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,211
No, I told you,
I flew to D.C.,
256
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:11,080
ditched the medals,
and flew home.
257
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:13,571
I guess that was just
his dirty hobo penis, huh?
258
00:11:13,623 --> 00:11:16,635
Kevin, why would you
want to get rid of your
war medals like that?
259
00:11:16,659 --> 00:11:18,409
'Cause it was
a stupid war, you know?
260
00:11:18,462 --> 00:11:21,396
All it did was put me
in a coma and kill
one of my bunkmates
261
00:11:21,464 --> 00:11:23,164
and cripple
the other one for life.
262
00:11:23,233 --> 00:11:24,460
Wait a minute.
263
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,061
Now, I thought earlier you said
264
00:11:26,085 --> 00:11:27,730
that both of your
bunkmates were killed.
265
00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:30,055
Now you're saying
only one of them was?
266
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:31,784
But I just want you
guys to know I barely
267
00:11:31,808 --> 00:11:33,475
even touched
that penis at first.
268
00:11:33,543 --> 00:11:36,478
What? Come on, Dad.
Whatev.
269
00:11:36,546 --> 00:11:39,263
Hey, why's it so hot in here?
It's too hot in here.
270
00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:41,733
Wait a minute.
An Ed Hardy T-shirt?
271
00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:45,970
That particular
strain of douche bag
didn't arise until 2007,
272
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:48,105
while you were
supposedly in your coma.
273
00:11:48,174 --> 00:11:50,675
Look, get off my case, Dad!
What do you want from me?
274
00:11:50,743 --> 00:11:51,943
The truth.
275
00:11:51,995 --> 00:11:53,294
Fine! Here's the truth!
276
00:11:53,363 --> 00:11:55,497
I was never in any coma,
okay? I bailed.
277
00:11:55,565 --> 00:11:57,731
I faked my death and went AWOL.
278
00:11:59,102 --> 00:12:00,484
I faked my own death once.
279
00:12:17,353 --> 00:12:20,338
No dentist appointment
for this guy.
280
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:24,192
So, there it is.
I'm not a war hero.
I abandoned my platoon.
281
00:12:24,261 --> 00:12:25,301
So now what do we do?
282
00:12:26,896 --> 00:12:29,981
Me? Am... Am I...
Am I supposed
to say something?
283
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:31,315
Kevin...
284
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:33,834
You're under arrest
for the crime of desertion.
285
00:12:33,903 --> 00:12:37,822
Oh, my. Uh,
maybe it's time for us girls
to hit the powder room.
286
00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:40,050
You may use the yard.
287
00:12:45,649 --> 00:12:47,744
So you were lying
to us this whole time?
288
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:49,850
You weren't
really injured in Iraq?
289
00:12:49,919 --> 00:12:52,920
First Pat Tillman lies about
how he died and now you?
290
00:12:52,989 --> 00:12:54,616
Kevin, I don't understand.
291
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,252
There's nothing to understand.
292
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:59,360
Our son is a deserter.
Come on, Kevin,
I'm taking you to jail.
293
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:00,890
Joe, wait!
Not now, Bonnie.
294
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:02,213
Joe, you can't!
295
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,543
Bonnie,
we'll discuss this later!
296
00:13:03,567 --> 00:13:06,284
Joe! You're not
taking my son anywhere.
297
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:08,336
Damn it, you guys
are ruining Thanksgiving!
298
00:13:08,405 --> 00:13:10,182
And it's my second
favorite holiday,
299
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:12,957
right after Pretend Not
to Notice People's Race Day.
300
00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:14,186
Hey, you seen Reggie around?
301
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:15,309
Which one is Reggie?
302
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:18,446
Oh, today he's
wearing yellow pants,
303
00:13:18,514 --> 00:13:22,383
uh, yellow shirt,
yellow hat, yellow shoes.
304
00:13:22,452 --> 00:13:25,069
Uh, he's got a gold tooth,
diamond earring.
305
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:28,172
Um, he's got that big necklace
with the dollar sign on it.
306
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:31,575
Uh, he's always
grabbing his crotch
when he's telling a story.
307
00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:33,089
Like, the one
about when he found out
308
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:34,523
his mother is
really his grandmother.
309
00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:35,880
Could you be more specific?
310
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:37,682
Uh, oh, let's see.
311
00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:39,795
Uh, he always
wears cheap cologne.
312
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:43,121
Uh, drives a Mercury Cougar
with a crown on the dashboard.
313
00:13:43,189 --> 00:13:44,922
Uh, never pays his alimony.
314
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,853
Uh, he's extremely cut
for a guy who
never works out.
315
00:13:47,877 --> 00:13:51,679
There he is.
Thanks anyway.
Hey, Reggie!
316
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:55,116
Look, maybe we should
just let Kevin explain
why he did what he did.
317
00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,836
At first,
I believed in the cause.
318
00:13:58,905 --> 00:14:01,283
But then I saw
what we were doing
to the people of Iraq.
319
00:14:01,307 --> 00:14:04,659
Innocent people.
There was one that
I'll never forget.
320
00:14:04,728 --> 00:14:06,761
He was a little
Iraqi street kid.
321
00:14:06,830 --> 00:14:08,690
I'd befriended him
a few months earlier.
322
00:14:08,714 --> 00:14:10,509
Couldn't have been
more than 12 years old.
323
00:14:10,533 --> 00:14:13,413
I taught himhow to crack wise,American style.
324
00:14:16,906 --> 00:14:19,490
I guess that store's
having a fire sale.
325
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:23,506
I tell you,that kid wasstrong-headed for his age.
326
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:27,415
Smart, but innocent.And then one day,there was a fire fight.
327
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:40,120
We bring in this civilianwho got killedin the crossfire.
328
00:14:41,664 --> 00:14:43,831
I pull back the sheet,
and who is it?
329
00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:48,202
Not the kid,but, like, the kid's dad's,like, coworker's neighbor.
330
00:14:48,270 --> 00:14:51,183
He was 74 and hehad actually triedto rape someone.
331
00:14:51,207 --> 00:14:53,035
But just looking
down at his dead face
332
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,904
and knowing that he
lived near someone
333
00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:58,128
who worked with the dadof the kid whose nameI never found out,
334
00:14:58,164 --> 00:15:01,982
I lost all hope.That's when I knew Ihad to get out of Iraq.
335
00:15:02,051 --> 00:15:03,891
I just had to
wait for my chance.
336
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,948
I call the white meat!
I call the dark meat!
337
00:15:05,972 --> 00:15:07,583
I call the cell phone
duct taped to the side!
338
00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:08,773
No!
339
00:15:12,979 --> 00:15:15,424
Somehow,I'd been sparedthat Thanksgiving.
340
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:17,831
But I can't say
the same for my bunkmates.
341
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:20,000
There were bits and pieces
of them everywhere.
342
00:15:20,069 --> 00:15:22,865
I knew the Armywould never be ableto identify who was who.
343
00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:24,889
So that was my
chance to disappear.
344
00:15:26,392 --> 00:15:27,441
So I left.
345
00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:28,670
How could you do that?
346
00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:29,872
Coward!
Traitor!
347
00:15:29,896 --> 00:15:31,946
If you think that
I'm gonna masturbate
348
00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:34,182
after this tonight,
you're right.
349
00:15:34,250 --> 00:15:35,961
We don't have to sit
here and listen to this.
350
00:15:35,985 --> 00:15:37,663
Come on, Kevin,
let's get out of here.
351
00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:39,565
Nice try, skank.
Worth a shot.
352
00:15:39,589 --> 00:15:41,889
Well, where did you go
after you left the war?
353
00:15:41,957 --> 00:15:43,808
I spent a few years laying low.
354
00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:45,504
Wrote some poems.
You want to hear some?
355
00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:47,439
No.
Are you sure?
They're pretty intense.
356
00:15:47,463 --> 00:15:48,463
No.
357
00:15:48,531 --> 00:15:49,774
Here, let me just read one.
358
00:15:49,798 --> 00:15:52,010
If I can guess
a line in there,
will you not read it?
359
00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:53,729
I don't think you'll
be able to guess a line.
360
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:57,237
Is it something like,
"Ice burns as hot as fire"?
361
00:15:57,306 --> 00:16:01,075
Okay, so then I went
to Europe, Australia,
Canada, all over.
362
00:16:01,143 --> 00:16:02,821
But I really missed you guys.
363
00:16:02,845 --> 00:16:04,845
I wanted to be with
people who love me,
364
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:06,931
no matter what.
So I came home.
365
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,799
Well, it sounds to me
like you're
366
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:10,918
a regular
Benedict Arnold Drummond.
367
00:16:10,987 --> 00:16:12,515
What's he expecting us
to cut to?
368
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:13,971
I think he wants maybe...
369
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,106
I don't know...
Gary Coleman in
a Napoleon hat?
370
00:16:16,176 --> 00:16:18,237
But, we don't have that!
We gotta come up
with something.
371
00:16:18,261 --> 00:16:19,877
Well, we got... uh, we got...
372
00:16:19,945 --> 00:16:21,890
"The Cowardly Lion
is Lindsay
Lohan's gynecologist."
373
00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:23,542
Play it, play it.
But he didn't set it up.
374
00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:25,049
Play it!
375
00:16:25,117 --> 00:16:26,728
All right, I'm gonna
check her for diseases.
376
00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:28,230
There's just one
thing I want you to do.
377
00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:30,082
- What's that?
- Talk me out of it.
378
00:16:30,106 --> 00:16:32,239
No, no, no, no, no, no.
379
00:16:32,308 --> 00:16:34,475
What the hell is
going on up there?
380
00:16:34,544 --> 00:16:36,611
Well, I'm sorry you
all feel the way you do.
381
00:16:36,679 --> 00:16:39,191
But I walked away
from an illegal war
of aggression
382
00:16:39,215 --> 00:16:41,865
being fought 6,000 miles
away from our shores.
383
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,995
Better there than here
where all my stuff is.
384
00:16:44,019 --> 00:16:46,871
So, what,
you figured you'd just
let 'em get away with 9/11?
385
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:49,456
Mr. Griffin, Iraq had
nothing to do with 9/11.
386
00:16:49,525 --> 00:16:51,336
And the war we started
in Iraq has killed
387
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,172
a half a million
of their people,
388
00:16:53,196 --> 00:16:55,446
which is like 200 9/11's.
389
00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:57,309
So, I guess those
moments of silence
390
00:16:57,333 --> 00:16:59,728
we had at those
sporting events
meant nothing to you.
391
00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,530
I'm just saying
this war is wrong.
392
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:05,372
Son, your job isn't to decide
whether it's right or wrong.
393
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:07,369
Your job is to follow orders.
394
00:17:07,393 --> 00:17:08,920
Well, that's what
the Nazi soldiers did,
395
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:10,395
isn't it?
They followed orders.
396
00:17:10,447 --> 00:17:12,374
You're saying our troops
are like the Nazis?
397
00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:14,982
No, I'm just saying
that blindly following orders
398
00:17:15,050 --> 00:17:17,985
has resulted in the deaths
of millions of people
throughout history.
399
00:17:18,053 --> 00:17:21,789
You know, I have not talked
to Carol all night.
Carol, how are you?
400
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:24,353
Look, I think you
guys are all rushing
to judge Kevin
401
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:27,227
without knowing
what it was like
to be in his shoes.
402
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,797
He saw horrific things,
in a horrific war,
403
00:17:29,866 --> 00:17:32,332
that only one other person here
404
00:17:32,401 --> 00:17:35,235
could possibly come close
to understanding. Ida.
405
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,572
She was in the military.
She's seen battle.
406
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,307
She's seen innocent people
butchered by war machines.
407
00:17:40,376 --> 00:17:43,227
And I'm sure that Ida,
more than anyone else here,
408
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:46,847
can understand and support
the choice that Kevin made.
409
00:17:46,916 --> 00:17:51,134
No, Brian, I do not
understand Kevin's choice,
and I do not support it.
410
00:17:51,187 --> 00:17:52,831
Okay, well,
that's just some dumb tranny.
411
00:17:52,855 --> 00:17:54,721
Son, when you go to war,
412
00:17:54,790 --> 00:17:58,626
you don't end up
fighting for your country
or your family or your flag.
413
00:17:58,694 --> 00:18:02,363
You're fighting for
your fellow soldiers there
in the foxhole with you.
414
00:18:02,431 --> 00:18:06,233
You walked out on those men,
and that's what's
most unforgivable.
415
00:18:06,302 --> 00:18:07,946
You know what,
everyone? Forget it.
416
00:18:07,970 --> 00:18:10,849
Up till today, you guys
thought I was dead.
Well, I'm not.
417
00:18:10,873 --> 00:18:13,752
But after all this,
Dad, you may as well
take me to prison,
418
00:18:13,776 --> 00:18:15,810
'cause right now
I wish I was dead.
419
00:18:15,878 --> 00:18:17,422
If anyone has wanted whip cream
420
00:18:17,446 --> 00:18:19,057
on their pie, it's not my fault.
421
00:18:19,081 --> 00:18:21,594
I can't get a fucking
word in edgewise
around here.
422
00:18:21,618 --> 00:18:24,268
Kevin, I don't want
to lose you again.
423
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:26,804
But I do have a job to do.
So get moving.
424
00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:28,533
'Cause there's at
least one Swanson man
425
00:18:28,557 --> 00:18:30,235
in this room who does his duty.
426
00:18:30,259 --> 00:18:31,720
Doodie means poop.
It does.
427
00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:34,562
Are you, Dad?
Are you the only
one who does his duty?
428
00:18:34,630 --> 00:18:35,929
That's not how I remember it.
429
00:18:35,998 --> 00:18:37,198
What are you talking about?
430
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,566
You don't remember, do you?
431
00:18:38,635 --> 00:18:40,417
I was in first grade.
432
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,664
You took me out with you
on one of your shifts.
433
00:18:42,688 --> 00:18:44,616
I just think it's
presumptuous. I mean,
434
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,640
come on,
"The country's best yogurt"?
435
00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:49,069
You know, prove it.
Show me your data.
436
00:18:49,111 --> 00:18:50,311
Help! Police!
437
00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:52,630
That man's a thief!
438
00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:55,166
Go get him, Dad!
439
00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:07,494
Reach for the sky, dirt bag!
440
00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:12,366
What the hell?
441
00:19:12,435 --> 00:19:15,047
I'm sorry, Officer.
I was just trying
to feed my family.
442
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:17,772
I don't care what
you were trying to do,
you broke the law.
443
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:20,107
I know. I didn't
know what else to do.
444
00:19:20,176 --> 00:19:22,676
I have three very wide-eyed
children to feed.
445
00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:27,497
Wide-eyed children
are the hungriest.
446
00:19:27,566 --> 00:19:30,718
Kids, Daddy has to go away
for a while, okay?
447
00:19:30,786 --> 00:19:32,847
Take care of Mommy
until she dies tomorrow.
448
00:19:32,871 --> 00:19:34,316
It's okay, Daddy.
I'll be the man
449
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,751
of the shack while you're gone.
450
00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:43,464
Uh, listen,
there's been a mistake.
451
00:19:43,533 --> 00:19:45,093
I'm not here to
arrest your father.
452
00:19:45,117 --> 00:19:46,150
You're not?
453
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,135
No, son. I just came over
to tell you
454
00:19:48,203 --> 00:19:50,471
what a great guy your father is
455
00:19:50,540 --> 00:19:52,640
and how hard he's been
working for all of you.
456
00:19:52,708 --> 00:19:57,428
And that no one has furniture,
so you guys are
right on target.
457
00:19:57,497 --> 00:20:00,597
Wait. You're letting me go?
I don't understand.
458
00:20:00,666 --> 00:20:04,919
I'm not sure I do either.
I know the law says
I have to arrest you,
459
00:20:04,987 --> 00:20:08,071
but sometimes the law
is just a piece of paper.
460
00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:10,307
There's right, there's wrong...
461
00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:13,210
And somewhere in between,
there's life.
462
00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:14,879
You folks have a good day.
463
00:20:17,099 --> 00:20:19,800
I never forgot what you did.
464
00:20:19,869 --> 00:20:21,769
Well, thanks for coming,
you guys.
465
00:20:21,837 --> 00:20:23,721
You know what
you were doing that day, Dad?
466
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:25,256
You were breaking the law.
467
00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:28,326
You knew what
your duty told you
you were supposed to do,
468
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:31,462
but instead, you did
what you thought was right.
469
00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:34,265
I haven't thought about
that family in years.
470
00:20:34,333 --> 00:20:36,249
I think about them all the time.
471
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:38,185
And the example you
set for me that day.
472
00:20:38,253 --> 00:20:40,287
It's the very
reason I left Iraq.
473
00:20:40,356 --> 00:20:42,396
It sucks how
early I have to work.
474
00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:47,828
Well, Kevin,
I still can't say that
I agree with your choice.
475
00:20:47,897 --> 00:20:49,496
Not one bit.
476
00:20:49,565 --> 00:20:52,666
But I suppose
sometimes a man has to do
what he thinks is right.
477
00:20:52,735 --> 00:20:56,436
And if that's what
you thought was right,
I guess I can accept it.
478
00:20:58,041 --> 00:20:59,241
I'm glad you're home, son.
479
00:20:59,308 --> 00:21:00,440
Me, too, Dad.
480
00:21:02,745 --> 00:21:05,462
You know, there's still
some pumpkin pie left,
everyone.
481
00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:06,625
That sounds good to me.
482
00:21:06,649 --> 00:21:07,814
Me, too.
483
00:21:07,883 --> 00:21:10,384
Hey, happy Thanksgiving
to us all, huh?
484
00:21:15,024 --> 00:21:19,377
Wait! That man's an imposter.
I'm the real Kevin Swanson!
485
00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:21,485
Guys, I don't think
we have time for this.
36969
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