All language subtitles for Family Guy - S10E05 - Back to the Pilot (Uncensored)-ing

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Oh, hey, there you are.
Hey, listen, I got

something really cool
I want you to see.

What is it?
This.

I found it in the yard.

A tennis ball.
That's very impressive, Brian.

Yeah, but don't tell
the other dogs
in the neighborhood.

They'll be jealous.

You son of a bitch.

And this is nothing.

There's one
tennis ball out there

that's even cooler
'cause I peed on it.

Buried it years ago.
I just can't remember where.

I'd give anything
to find it, though.

Well, if you could
recall exactly when
you buried it,

I suppose I could help you out.

I remember the exact day.
January 31, 1999.

Very well, follow me, Brian.

Watch out for Ernie.
He's getting a CAT scan.

Well, here we are.

That's odd. It's our house,
but somehow it looks
a little different.

Mom, my lips are too thin.

Can I please get
collagen injections?

Meg, you don't need to
change the way you look.

You know,
most of the world's problems
stem from poor self-image.

Oh, my God,
what's with Meg's voice?

She sounds like someone
who's about to give up
a huge opportunity.

That's nothing.
Look at you.

You look like a prize
at some Mexican
church carnival.

Excellent.
The mind-control device
is nearing completion.

I recall this day.

You know, I actually think
this might be my first memory.

Stewie, I said
no toys at the table.

Damn you, vile woman!

You've impeded
my work since the day

I escaped from
your wretched womb.

Oh, don't pout, honey.

You know, when you were born,

the doctor said you were
the happiest-looking
baby he'd ever seen.

But of course.
That was my victory day.

The fruition of my
deeply laid plans

to escape from that
cursed ovarian bastille.

Return the device, woman!

Jesus. What, did you carry
a thesaurus around with you?

You know, it's amazing
I could speak at all

with that circumcision
still healing.

Hey, wait a minute, Stewie.
That's the spot!

That's where I buried
my tennis ball!

Whoa, whoa, Brian,
what are you doing?
You can't dig it up here.

Just make a mental note
of where you buried it,

and as soon as we're
back in the present,
you can dig it up then.

Why?

Because we can't
risk doing anything
that alters the past.

You know, I never got that.

I mean,
wouldn't you want
to alter the past?

I mean, you could make
life better for yourself.

And not just for yourself,
for everyone.
You could stop 9/11.

Brian, there's one
rule of time travel,
and that is,

do not alter the past in any way

or the consequences
could be dire.

Yeah, where'd you hear that?
Quantum Leap.

That guy changed
the past all the time!

Quick, Brian! Get down!

Hey, Peter, my thing went off.
Your thermostat okay?

Yeah, it's all right.
Hey, is my kid over here?

Forget it. False alarm.

Whoa, ass ahoy.

Hey, Peter, it's 7:00
and you've still
got your pants on.

What's the occasion?

You know, I'm only
telling you this now,

but I didn't even
know we had a dog then.

Ew, I remember this.
Peter's eye did that
weird, creepy thing

where it went over his nose.

Come on, you're
worrying about nothing.

Oh? Remember when
you got drunk off
the communion wine at church?

Ah! Ew!
Gross! Look at that.

Wait, what are they doing?

I don't know. They're just
standing there like zombies.

Do you think they're all right?

I'm not sure.

And then there was that time
at the ice cream store.

They're doing it again.
What the hell?

I...
I'm at a loss.

I mean,
I know we're not supposed
to mess with the timeline,

but should we call an ambulance?

That is so creepy.

And remember you
had an Irish coffee

the day we went to
see Philadelphia?

Oh. They're...
They're setting up
fucking cutaways.

Oh, my God, is that
what we did back then?

Yeah, I mean, now,
we just, like,
return text messages

and screw around and whatnot.

Lois, I'm not going
back to work tomorrow.

That new boss has it in for me.

He's meaner than
a shifty salesman.

You sure you got time to smoke?

Oh, yeah,
it's an Al Harrington.
It goes on for a while.

All right, look, we found out
where your ball is buried.

Now let's get back
to our own time.

Okay, get the return pad.
Let's go.

Not out here in the open.
Someone could see us.

Remember?
No altering the timeline?

Come on,
let's get up to my room.

Hey, wait a minute, Stewie,
I got to take a leak.

Will it screw up the timeline

if my future pee
goes in a past toilet?

Uh, no, as long as
it goes in the toilet.

One splash on
a magazine in there,

and we're getting
chased by dinosaurs.

Huh.
Looks more or less the same.

Oh, my God,
my Japanese children's books.
I forgot about these.

You Poop Now.
Horton Hears a Suicide.

The Little Engine That Will,
Or Get Great Shame.

Oh, there you are.
All right, come on, Brian.
Let's get out of here.

Blast, that draggle-tailed,

blunt-edged, matriarchal despot!

Who the deuce does
she think she is?

Quick, Brian, hide!

I shall cleverly disguise
this lethal

plasma disruptor device
as a tuna fish sandwich,

whereupon I shall end
that wretched woman's

Draconian reign of tyranny!

Oh. Hey.

Who the deuce are you?

Uh, well,
I'm, uh... I'm you.

You look like me,
but that's
utterly impossible.

I'm afraid it's true.
I'm you from the future.

I've traveled back in time.

That's absurd.

Look, I can prove to you
that I'm you from the future.

I know about
the Eddie Bauer catalog.

It is you!

Okay, bye, Lois.
I'm going to the stag party.

Brian, you might as well
come out now.
He knows everything.

Uh-oh.

Brian, are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.

Where'd you get that?

The Stewie from the past has

a lot more gadgets
and things than I do.

I've kind of
slacked off a little bit.

How's the party?
Oh, looks like fun.

Hey, who wants to play
"Drink the Beer"?

Right here.

You win!
All right! What do I win?

Another beer!

Okay, take a last look,
'cause we're out of here.

Oh, look at that.

There's the old gang
we've gotten to know
so well over the years.

TV's not even plugged in.

What is this?
Where the hell are we?

The air is electric here
at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight.

Stewie, what's going on?
I don't know.

For some reason,
the time machine

didn't take us
back to the present.

We're still in 1999.

Wait a minute.
I remember this.

I think I'm up in that blimp.

Amazing. You can
barely drive a car,

and yet you were
allowed to fly a blimp?

Yeah,
America's great, isn't it?
Except for the South.

Oh, no wonder the return pad
didn't take us all the way.

The batteries are
almost depleted.

Are those D batteries?

Yes, ever since we had
that trouble in Germany,

I found a way to
convert it so it takes

D batteries instead of uranium.

Only problem is,
I didn't bring any
cash with me. Did you?

I don't think that's
gonna be a problem.

Oh, my God!
Quick, grab some money!

You... You have pockets?

Are you putting
that in pockets?
That's so cute.

The crowd is storming the field.

This is pandemonium.

Quick, Brian, get on!

Whoa, crash ahoy.

Oh, God! Now where are we?

Well, you know,
I figured the sooner
I cashed the check,

the sooner they'd
catch their mistake.

Look, why are we making
a federal case out of this?

Oh, man, this is the day
Peter went to court
for his welfare fraud.

Hey.

Huh? Oh, hey.

You're the Kool-Aid guy.
Yeah.

What are you doing?
Just waiting.

For what?

I'm just waiting,
dude. Relax.

Hey, is there any
place around here
that sells batteries?

Guys, don't
distract me, all right?
I gotta really be up.

Mr. Griffin,
I think your words
have touched us all.

I'm sentencing you to
24 months in prison!

Oh, no.
Oh, no.

Oh, no!
Oh, no!

So there's no organs or glands

or anything, right?
It's just the liquid?

Yeah. Yeah,
it's just the liquid.

Um, I don't know if
this is a weird question,
but can I have some?

All right, fine.
Tilt your head back,

and I'll lean my liquid
down into your mouth.

Oh, now I don't want it.

Oh, crap! Did I miss it?

Look, my husband may be
a bit thoughtless at times,

he may even be
downright, well, stupid,

but I know he only accepted
that money because he...

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

You guys did this!
You guys fucking did this!

Talking about my guts?
Fucking me up? Fuck you!

Okay, this is good.
We got the D batteries.
Let's get back to the present.

All right, get on.

We made it.

Yeah, the Super Bowl was cool,

but frankly, no Tommy Brady,
no Stewie likey.

Brian, there you are!
Come quick.

They're about to
announce the unveiling
of your statue on the news.

Statue? For what?

What do you think,
Mr. National Hero?

For stopping
the 9/11 terrorist attacks
and saving our country.

Oh, you! I can't even express
how mad I am at you right now.

If it wasn't for you,
those planes

would've hit
the World Trade Center.

Brian, what the hell did you do?

I, uh, may have told my
former self about 9/11.

What did I tell you
about altering the past?

Wait, wait, when did
you even do that?

Well, you remember when I said
I was going to take a leak?

Brian, you shouldn't
have done that.

Who knows what
unforeseen consequences
are awaiting us.

Saddam Hussein
could be President.

Mexico could be
the world's
dominant super power.

Cookie Monster could have
invented Facebook!

What is this?

Cookiebook.

Brian!
Hurry, it's starting!

Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.

And I'm Joyce Kinney.

Our top story,
Quahog prepares to
unveil a new statue

commemorating perhaps
its greatest hero ever.

That's right, Tom.
It was 10 years ago

that an almost
inconceivable plot

to destroy
the World Trade Center

was thwarted by Quahog's
own, Brian Griffin.

This amateur video
captured Griffin's heroism

in the face of
a shadowy terrorist
organization called,

holy shit,
look at all those vowels,
Al Qua-ay-ee-da.

Here. Make sure
you get all this.

Time to terrorize
the terrorists.

Ugh. You prepared
catchphrases for yourself?

No. Not necessarily.

Mohamed Atta stayed home.

Nobody knows that
guy's name yet.

You're using information
that nobody knows.

Houston, we have a solution.

Houston's for space,
not everyday air travel.

Tell them to ground
every plane out
of the East Coast.

Seacrest out.

Wow! What a hero.

Coming up next in sports,

Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman
tackled by his own team?

Oh, Brian,
we're so proud of you.

Yeah, buddy.
Great job stopping
those terrorists.

And thank God
their follow-up attack
on St. Louis was a bust.

We missed!

Brian, I promise you,
all of this can
only end badly.

Stewie, it's fine.
I prevented 9/11.

How could that
possibly be a bad thing?

I mean, come on,
I saved, like, 200 lives.

3,000.
Wow! 3,000?

Oh, you knew what
you were doing there.

This major
breaking news just in.

Nine Southern
states have declared

that they are seceding
from the United States.

The announcement came
from former President
George W. Bush,

who reformed the Confederacy

after a bitter loss in his
2004 reelection bid.

Bush lost in 2004?

Yeah,
he probably couldn't exploit
people's fears with no 9/11.

Bush appeared before
the press today to make
this brief statement.

If anyone out there can
get their hands on
a clown's suitcase,

I'd very much like to see
what's inside of there.

I think we have the wrong clip.

What? No?

It... This... Okay.

That was George W. Bush
declaring civil war
on the Northern states.

Oh, my God! Civil war?

See, Brian? This is exactly
what I was talking about.

Look, Stewie,
this doesn't necessarily

mean things are
going to turn out badly.

In fact, I bet,
five years from now,

the world will still be
better off for what I did.

Is that so?

Well, Brian, if you're
that sure of yourself,

then let's go five years
into the future,
and you can prove me wrong.

Fine.

Wow! This is the future?
Everything looks slicker.

Hey, Lois, I found
some double-sided tape.

I think I can do about
seven minutes worth
of funny stuff with it.

That should get us to the
Meg kissing booth story.

Wow. Things have
gotten kind of lazy, huh?

Hey, Peter.
Thanks for letting me
borrow your screwdriver set.

You know, I just want
to say how nice it is

to be back here with y'all
on Spooner Street.

Oh, I guess things
didn't work out in Virginia.

Chris, I heard you got
a D on your report card.

Here's a cutaway.

Matthew McConaughey is terrible.

Good Lord!
What's happened to us?

Okay, maybe things
seem a little off,

but other than that,
the world seems okay.

Which proves my point.
Me stopping 9/11

led to a world that's just fine.

Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow.

Brian, you might
want to look outside.

Oh, my God!

Oh, oh!
Pebble in my shoe!

Pebble in my shoe.
Pebble in my shoe.

Nice work, Bri.

Whoops. Well, at least
Joe gets to be a cyborg.

Freeze, Frogmire.
You are out past curfew,

and therefore,
in violation of
local ordinance.

Ribbity.

What the hell happened?
Could I really
have caused all this?

It says here that the new
American civil war
you set into motion

ended up in a series
of concentrated
nuclear strikes

all along the Eastern seaboard.

It killed 17 million people.

Oh.

Including Cesar Millan.

No! Okay, okay, I get it.
Stewie, I screwed up.

All right? I shouldn't
have altered the past.
Is there anything we can do?

Well, the only way to fix this
is to return to the moment

when we first
arrived in the past

and stop you from
spilling the beans about 9/11.

Okay. Okay, let's do it.

Whoa, ass ahoy.

All right, look, there we are.

Hey, Peter, it's 7:00

and you've still
got your pants on.

What's the occasion?

Stop! Both of you!
What the hell?

Who are you?
We're you, from the future.

Oh, boy,
this can't be good news.
Who screwed up?

Take a wild guess.

What did I do?
Well, nothing yet,
but listen.

Whatever you do, you cannot tell

your former self,
that Brian, about 9/11.

If you do,
America as you know it
will cease to exist.

My God, Brian.
What the hell?

We've been here two minutes,
and already you've
destroyed America.

I wasn't going to
tell myself about 9/11.

That's a lie. You had the idea
a couple of seconds ago,

and you were so excited about it

that your tail is still wagging.

Okay, okay. I promise
I won't say anything.

Also, if you don't
give that Stewie

a back rub, it really
messes everything up.

All right, can we go now?

Did that do it?
Did we restore the past?

Well, let's check.

9/11.

Oh, there it is.
We did it, Brian.

We made 9/11 happen.
High five!

All right! High five!
Yeah!

Wow, that...
That probably wouldn't
look very good out of context.

There's the writer
of the Harry Potter series.

Must be weird hanging out
with us Muggles, huh, Brian?

Yeah.

Well, laundrium insertum.
Huh?

Oh, my God. All right,
you obviously
have no self-control,

so we've got to go
back and do this again.

Whoa, ass ahoy.
All right, let's go.

Hey, Peter, it's 7:00

and you've still
got your pants on.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
We were just here.

- Wait!
- Wait!

Who the devil are you?
We're from the future.

So are we.
We're from
the further future.

We came to stop you.
Why?

What they did actually
turns out to be damage-free.

It's what you're about to do,
stopping them,
that causes utter bedlam.

Oh, come on.

Wait! Stop! We're from
the further-further future.

What you guys do
eventually works out.

It's what you two
are about to do
that ruins everything!

Stop!
Don't do anything!

Oh, for God's sake.

We're from the
further-further-further
future.

What these two do is fine.

It's what you two do that
makes things worse.

Stop!
Wait!

Hold it!
Stop!

Wait!
No!

Hold it!
Stop!

I don't know
what I'm doing here.
I'm just looking for the can.

Don't move!
Hold it!

Freeze!
Stop!

Wait!
No!

Oh, for God's sake, why?
This is why!

Don't move!
Hold it!

Freeze!
Stop!

No!
Wait!

Oh, my God. What's that?

I don't know what happened.
This is life for some reason.

Don't do whatever
you're about to do.

God help us.
This is no way to live.

All right, everybody,
shut the hell up!

All right,
this is bullshit, all right?

I can't follow
what's going on anymore,

and I'm assuming
the rest of you
can't, either.

So let's make this
easy and take a vote.

How many think we
should prevent 9/11?
Raise your hands.

Three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine...

Okay, all right, looks like 42.

All right, who votes yes, 9/11?

Okay, all right, 57.
All right, 9/11 wins.

Wait, wait, shouldn't
it be an even number?

Why is the total an odd number?

Oh, yeah, I think
one of the Brians died.

What? What do you mean?

I don't know.
One of them landed here
with its throat slit.

But wait, if one of me is dead,

then shouldn't
all the mes be dead?

Brian, I don't...
I... It's... I don't...
I don't know anymore. I...

You know what?
I guess not. All right?

Okay, listen up.
Everybody, get back

in your individual time machines

very carefully.

Nobody touch anything.
No Harry Potter novels.

Don't step on a bug.
Don't give earlier
yous investment advice.

Just go back to
where you came from,
and stay there!

There.

Now, we're going to do
what we should have done
in the first place.

Get on.

Wait a minute.
Isn't this where
we just were?

Where are
the other two us's?
They're not here yet.

Just to make sure
there are absolutely
no loose ends,

I've sent us back
in time to the moment

just before you and
I originally arrived.

Why?
You'll see.

Get the fuck back
in your time machine!
Ahhh!

Who are you?
Never mind who I am!

Just get back in
your time machine,

get back to the present,
and stay there!

Look, just calm down. Ahhh!

You gonna flap your lips
or you gonna do what I said?

Okay, okay!
All right! God!

You just talked to yourself.
Won't that alter the past?

Don't worry, Brian.
If I was successful in
restoring the past just now,

you and I will
never have existed.

The chronological tangent
that created us
will have been erased.

Oh, is it going to hurt?

Just a little.

Ow.

Oh, God, my leg is killing me.

Well, time travel is risky.

Every time you step
into that machine,

you invite the possibility
of altering
the world as we know it.

Thankfully,
the alternate versions
of us were there

to prevent us from doing
whatever it is
we apparently did.

I wonder what it was.

We'll never know.

But look on the bright side.

You might be sitting here
with a hole in your leg,

but at least our
present universe
hasn't been affected.

Sorry, guys.
I'm gonna need the couch.

The gang and I are
gonna watch the game.

All right, let's
unplug the TV
and get going.