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1
00:00:04,526 --> 00:00:06,354
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:01:01,365 --> 00:01:04,368
Hot diggity! Another ringer
for the old warhorse.
3
00:01:04,412 --> 00:01:07,806
No fair, Colonel.
You're invincible.
4
00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:09,591
The only one who
could ever whup me
5
00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:11,114
in horseshoes was Mildred.
6
00:01:11,158 --> 00:01:12,811
But then, I could take her
two out of three
7
00:01:12,855 --> 00:01:14,639
in arm wrestling.
8
00:01:14,683 --> 00:01:16,467
The essence of
a good marriage
is mutual respect.
9
00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:17,642
Watch this.
10
00:01:22,343 --> 00:01:24,475
-[laughing]
-Oh, rats!
11
00:01:24,519 --> 00:01:26,782
I'd even the score
in golf, Colonel,
12
00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:28,610
if some lowlife hadn't
stolen my clubs.
13
00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:30,133
That shouldn't affect
your score
14
00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:31,700
as long as they didn't
steal your eraser.
15
00:01:31,743 --> 00:01:33,484
The way things are going,
16
00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:35,138
they'll be walkin' off
with that pretty soon.
17
00:01:35,182 --> 00:01:37,140
Around here, a crime wave
isn't hard to understand.
18
00:01:37,184 --> 00:01:39,273
With so many people
violating
19
00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:41,013
"thou shalt not kill,"
20
00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:43,233
"thou shalt not steal"
seems rather paltry.
21
00:01:43,277 --> 00:01:45,235
Ah, horseshoes!
22
00:01:45,279 --> 00:01:47,150
That explains why Sophie's
trotting around in mukluks.
23
00:01:47,194 --> 00:01:49,848
Hush! Where's
your horseshoe etiquette?
24
00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:52,460
I'm just a leaner away
from immortality.
25
00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:56,899
Beyond immortality!
What a streak!
26
00:01:56,942 --> 00:01:58,640
If Mildred were here,
27
00:01:58,683 --> 00:02:00,337
I'd even give her
a run for her money.
28
00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:01,556
What have you got there,
Klinger?
29
00:02:01,599 --> 00:02:02,861
A package just came in
30
00:02:02,905 --> 00:02:05,342
addressed
to "Chief Surgeon."
31
00:02:05,386 --> 00:02:08,084
-Dr. Chief Surgeon to you.
-Who's it from, Chief?
32
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:12,044
"Central Avenue Photo,
Highland Park, Illinois."
33
00:02:12,088 --> 00:02:14,830
Maybe it's those missing reels
from David and Sheba's bath.
34
00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:16,484
Oh, goody.
The underwater scenes.
35
00:02:16,527 --> 00:02:18,312
Here, you read, I'll open.
36
00:02:18,355 --> 00:02:20,836
"Dear, sir.
I am sending this gift
37
00:02:20,879 --> 00:02:22,142
"as a small token
of my gratitude
38
00:02:22,185 --> 00:02:24,883
"to the surgeon
who saved my boy, Gregor.
39
00:02:24,927 --> 00:02:26,015
"Please see
that he gets this,
40
00:02:26,058 --> 00:02:27,364
along with
my everlasting thanks.
41
00:02:27,408 --> 00:02:29,323
Sincerely yours,
Dimitry Popadopalous."
42
00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:30,976
Hey, look at this.
43
00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:33,457
-It's a Polaroid.
-Looks like a camera to me.
44
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:36,460
It is. The new kind that
develops its own pictures.
45
00:02:36,504 --> 00:02:39,855
I've heard of those.
It's like it's got its
own little drugstore inside.
46
00:02:39,898 --> 00:02:41,987
Popadopalous.
Gregor Popadopalous.
47
00:02:42,031 --> 00:02:45,339
This is fantastic!
You can get a finished
picture in 60 seconds.
48
00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:49,081
Will wonders never cease.
I still can't get used
to indoor plumbing.
49
00:02:49,125 --> 00:02:51,127
How am I ever
going to thank him?
50
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,477
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Get your hands off my camera!
51
00:02:53,521 --> 00:02:54,913
What do you mean,
your camera?
52
00:02:54,957 --> 00:02:56,393
I did the bowel resection
on Popadopalous.
53
00:02:56,437 --> 00:02:58,003
I remember kidding him
about his long name.
54
00:02:58,047 --> 00:02:59,614
I said he needed
two dog tags.
55
00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:01,529
Oh, yeah? Well, if
your memory is so perfect,
56
00:03:01,572 --> 00:03:02,834
how come you don't remember
that I'm the one
57
00:03:02,878 --> 00:03:04,184
who patched the artery
in his leg?
58
00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:05,707
Just look at you.
59
00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:07,448
A boy's father makes
a gesture of thanks,
60
00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,406
and this is
the thanks he gets?
61
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:12,322
Sounds to me like that camera
belongs to the both of you.
62
00:03:12,366 --> 00:03:15,238
If you can't buy that,
I'll be glad to cut it in half.
63
00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:16,848
Uh, how does it feel
to be the co-owner
64
00:03:16,892 --> 00:03:18,154
of a Polaroid Land Camera?
65
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,242
Yeah, okay,
you can be co-owner,
66
00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:20,765
but I get to use it first.
67
00:03:20,809 --> 00:03:23,159
-Why you?
-Because I know photography.
68
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,683
-Oh, you do, do you?
-Like the back of my hand.
69
00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:27,685
I don't understand it.
What are we doing wrong?
70
00:03:27,729 --> 00:03:29,034
Everything.
71
00:03:29,078 --> 00:03:31,733
Well, how are
the photogs coming?
72
00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:33,735
Brilliantly.
Pierce is demonstrating
73
00:03:33,778 --> 00:03:36,259
his mastery of black
and what photography.
74
00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:38,522
Oh, really? And I suppose
you could do better?
75
00:03:38,566 --> 00:03:40,916
I could.
So could J. Fred Muggs.
76
00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:42,657
Major, are you familiar
with this equipment?
77
00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:45,616
No, Father. I restrict
my expertise to cameras.
78
00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:47,270
I have a superb
collection
79
00:03:47,314 --> 00:03:48,706
of the finest
German equipment
80
00:03:48,750 --> 00:03:50,621
including Rolleiflex,
Leica, of course.
81
00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:53,233
Major, looks like you
and I are fellow shutterbugs.
82
00:03:53,276 --> 00:03:56,192
Except I always buy American.
I got me a Brownie Hawkeye.
83
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,150
Oh, really? Why don't
you come by sometime?
84
00:03:58,194 --> 00:03:59,630
I'll autograph it.
85
00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:01,153
Sorry to interrupt
the photo session,
86
00:04:01,197 --> 00:04:02,633
but we've got wounded
on the way.
87
00:04:02,677 --> 00:04:04,722
From one bleak picture
to another.
88
00:04:04,766 --> 00:04:06,942
You know, I took a snap back
home I'm really proud of.
89
00:04:06,985 --> 00:04:09,640
Keep it right on the mantle.
It's a pony with a hat on.
90
00:04:09,684 --> 00:04:14,166
- Oh. You are indeed an artist.
- Oh! Thank you.
91
00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:17,169
And another time, Mildred
and I were up on Heavenly Hill.
92
00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:20,347
There was this big full moon,
and suddenly it hit me.
93
00:04:20,390 --> 00:04:24,655
I took my trusty Brownie
and had Mildred stand just so.
94
00:04:24,699 --> 00:04:26,962
Then I snapped off a few...
95
00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:28,920
and doggone if they don't look
96
00:04:28,964 --> 00:04:32,010
just like Mildred's holdin'
herself a handful of moon.
97
00:04:32,054 --> 00:04:36,667
Old soldiers never die,
they just keep taking snapshots.
98
00:04:36,711 --> 00:04:40,454
Nurse, I'm a little
concerned about all
the dirt
99
00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:41,759
we're flushing out
of this wound.
100
00:04:41,803 --> 00:04:43,544
How's the penicillin
holding up?
101
00:04:43,587 --> 00:04:46,460
Well, what hasn't been stolen
is locked up in the storeroom.
102
00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:48,984
Damn thieves. They won't
get their hands on this batch
103
00:04:49,027 --> 00:04:50,899
if I have to sleep with it
under my pillow.
104
00:04:50,942 --> 00:04:53,162
If you need more penicillin,
I'll get it for you.
105
00:04:53,205 --> 00:04:54,729
Yes, do.
We will be needing it.
106
00:04:54,772 --> 00:04:56,905
Your Rx is my command.
107
00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:59,821
Hey, Hawk, this looks
more like Father Mulcahy
108
00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:01,257
than your photograph does.
109
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,259
Ha ha, Hunnicutt.
110
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,826
Don't forget,
they laughed at Edison.
111
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,480
They laughed at Fulton.
112
00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,220
-They laughed at Pinky Lee.
-You just wait.
113
00:05:08,264 --> 00:05:09,526
It will be only minutes
114
00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:11,441
before I master
60-second photography.
115
00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:13,269
Sixty-second photography?
116
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:14,488
Does Pierce have
a Polaroid?
117
00:05:14,531 --> 00:05:16,185
Yeah. Clamp.
118
00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:17,882
Can you imagine
someone getting excited
119
00:05:17,926 --> 00:05:18,927
about a thing
like that?
120
00:05:18,970 --> 00:05:21,190
A Polaroid?
121
00:05:21,233 --> 00:05:24,106
Come on! Come on, everybody!
Tall ones in the back!
122
00:05:24,149 --> 00:05:25,629
No, no, no, not you.
You're too short.
123
00:05:25,673 --> 00:05:27,849
Stay where you are.
Get in the second row, Roy.
124
00:05:27,892 --> 00:05:29,633
Leave some space
in the middle there for me.
125
00:05:29,677 --> 00:05:32,201
This first one's going
stateside to my mother.
126
00:05:32,244 --> 00:05:35,552
Klinger, do that one more time
and you'll never see those
fingers again!
127
00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:38,947
Okay, come on now,
everybody, be happy!
128
00:05:38,990 --> 00:05:42,342
If you tell me to say "cheese,"
I will tell you "good-bye."
129
00:05:42,385 --> 00:05:44,256
Quiet, Winchester.
130
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:48,478
And tilt your head a little.
We're getting some glare off it.
131
00:05:48,522 --> 00:05:51,176
Major, I don't think
you're doing this right.
132
00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:53,483
It ought to be boy, girl,
boy, girl.
133
00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:55,485
Please, Colonel,
let me handle this.
134
00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:58,836
Pierce! Hunnicutt!
I've done my part!
135
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,447
Now get out here
with your camera!
136
00:06:00,490 --> 00:06:02,449
How could you
just go to O.R.
137
00:06:02,492 --> 00:06:03,624
and leave it
on the bed?
138
00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:05,103
How could I leave
something
139
00:06:05,147 --> 00:06:06,453
you wouldn't let me
get my hands on?
140
00:06:06,496 --> 00:06:08,280
-Out of spite!
-All right, boys.
141
00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:10,413
-What's all the tumult?
-The camera's been stolen!
142
00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:13,198
-What?
-[crowd clamoring]
143
00:06:13,242 --> 00:06:15,592
Probably a representative
of the society
144
00:06:15,636 --> 00:06:17,289
from the Prevention
of Cruelty to Film.
145
00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:19,422
What do you mean stolen?
146
00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:22,033
Our resident klepto
must have lifted it
while we were in O.R.
147
00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:23,948
Damn it! I've had it
up to my eyebrows
148
00:06:23,992 --> 00:06:25,515
with all this filching.
149
00:06:25,559 --> 00:06:27,430
And I'm gonna do
something about this
150
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:30,128
before we all end up
standing around in
our skivvies.
151
00:06:30,172 --> 00:06:32,392
Easy, Colonel.
A camera can be replaced,
152
00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:34,437
but blood pressure
is forever.
153
00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:35,569
To hell with
my blood pressure!
154
00:06:35,612 --> 00:06:37,309
-Klinger!
-Yes, sir.
155
00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:39,224
Fill out that stolen goods
report on the camera.
156
00:06:39,268 --> 00:06:40,878
-Klinger!
-Yo!
157
00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:42,576
The thief was nice enough
to leave the box.
158
00:06:42,619 --> 00:06:44,055
Come on. I'll give you
the serial number from it.
159
00:06:44,099 --> 00:06:45,840
You M.P.'s, come with me.
160
00:06:45,883 --> 00:06:48,320
I'm gonna get you boys
some reinforcements.
161
00:06:48,364 --> 00:06:50,279
This thing is bigger
than both of you.
162
00:06:50,322 --> 00:06:54,414
You imbecile!
How could you do this
to my mother?
163
00:07:01,290 --> 00:07:03,335
You promised us steak
and this isn't it.
164
00:07:03,379 --> 00:07:06,208
I know, because I carry
a picture of steak in my wallet
165
00:07:06,251 --> 00:07:08,993
with the rest
of my loved ones.
166
00:07:09,037 --> 00:07:12,432
I made that promise before
someone raided the icebox.
167
00:07:12,475 --> 00:07:15,086
He stole all the beef
and just left the cold cuts.
168
00:07:15,130 --> 00:07:18,568
-At least we know now
we're not dealing with an idiot.
-What's the war coming to?
169
00:07:18,612 --> 00:07:20,483
Remember when
we first moved here?
170
00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:22,354
You could go to bed
and leave your
tent unlocked.
171
00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:24,226
At night, you could
walk through the minefield
172
00:07:24,269 --> 00:07:25,532
without having
your wallet stolen.
173
00:07:25,575 --> 00:07:27,403
Klinger, what do you hear
about our camera?
174
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,492
-Not a peep, sirs.
-You'd think after a week
175
00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:31,189
they could at least
come up with a dead end.
176
00:07:31,233 --> 00:07:33,235
The trouble is, the way
this crime wave is spreading,
177
00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:36,238
I'm sure C.I.D. has more
of these reports than
it can handle.
178
00:07:36,281 --> 00:07:38,022
So, we get lost
in the shuffle?
179
00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:40,285
I'm not giving up
that camera without
a fight.
180
00:07:41,896 --> 00:07:44,159
Oh, yes, of course I'll wait.
181
00:07:44,202 --> 00:07:45,856
-In fact, I'll be glad to.
-That's tellin' him, Hawk.
182
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,641
There's no point
arguing with the clerk.
183
00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:50,034
He's putting me on
with his superior.
184
00:07:50,078 --> 00:07:52,254
-Hello, Corporal? Now we're
getting somewhere.
-Corporal.
185
00:07:52,297 --> 00:07:56,432
Uh, my name is Pierce, Captain
Benjamin Franklin of MASH 4077.
186
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,478
I'm calling about
a stolen goods report
187
00:07:58,521 --> 00:08:00,001
that I filed
on a Polaroid camera.
188
00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:02,090
Uh, we... I filed it...
189
00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:05,180
What? Uh, Polaroid.
190
00:08:05,223 --> 00:08:08,879
It's a camera.
It developed its own pictures.
191
00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:12,013
No, I'm not kidding you.
No.
192
00:08:12,056 --> 00:08:15,799
No, this is not Crazy Al
of Special Services.
193
00:08:15,843 --> 00:08:18,019
Would-- Would you just-- I'm--
194
00:08:20,238 --> 00:08:22,110
Yeah.
[chuckles]
195
00:08:22,153 --> 00:08:24,678
Yeah, I guess you could take
those kinds of pictures.
196
00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:26,331
Yeah.
[chuckles]
197
00:08:26,375 --> 00:08:28,203
Yeah. No, no, no.
198
00:08:28,246 --> 00:08:30,597
No, I haven't taken one
because I don't have
the camera
199
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,686
because it's been stolen,
remember?
200
00:08:32,729 --> 00:08:35,340
It would be faster
if we got Popadopalous
to send us another one.
201
00:08:35,384 --> 00:08:37,908
I did file
a stolen goods report.
202
00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:39,257
That's why I'm calling you.
203
00:08:39,301 --> 00:08:40,650
Will you just check
into this?
204
00:08:40,694 --> 00:08:42,957
Will you just check
in to it?
205
00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:46,569
What?
206
00:08:46,613 --> 00:08:51,226
Oh. I see-- I'm so--
His clerk takes care of this.
207
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:52,662
I should have known.
208
00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:55,317
Hello, Private?
How've you been?
209
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:56,884
He told us he'd get
to the bottom of this.
210
00:08:56,927 --> 00:08:58,450
Those guys are tough.
211
00:08:58,494 --> 00:09:00,104
Their motto is "he who
hesitates gets promoted."
212
00:09:00,148 --> 00:09:02,106
Uh-huh. Yeah.
213
00:09:02,150 --> 00:09:03,978
Yeah, yeah.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
214
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,503
Uh-huh.
215
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,244
No, I see, I see.
216
00:09:09,287 --> 00:09:11,594
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
217
00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:16,991
-So, what's the story?
-Uh, Klinger, uh,
218
00:09:17,034 --> 00:09:18,209
they're having
a little problem
219
00:09:18,253 --> 00:09:19,820
with the stolen goods
report of yours.
220
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:21,822
What, they couldn't
read my typing?
221
00:09:21,865 --> 00:09:25,086
They couldn't read it
because they didn't receive it.
222
00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:27,915
-Are you sure you sent it?
-Of course.
223
00:09:27,958 --> 00:09:30,744
I may be pathetic and inept,
but I ain't dumb.
224
00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:33,877
That report was filled out
in triplicate and sent off
last week
225
00:09:33,921 --> 00:09:36,445
and I can prove it
with my file copy.
226
00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:39,361
Everything strictly
by the book.
227
00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:40,884
"Stolen Good Reports."
228
00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:42,103
Here we go.
229
00:09:42,146 --> 00:09:43,887
Filed under "G"
for "Goniffed."
230
00:09:43,931 --> 00:09:45,367
You can always tell
a Kelly Girl.
231
00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:47,238
Here you go,
my file copy.
232
00:09:47,282 --> 00:09:50,372
-C.I.D. copy.
-"I" Corps copy.
233
00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:51,939
Oh, my God!
234
00:09:51,982 --> 00:09:54,245
I distinctly remember
sending that stuff out.
235
00:09:54,289 --> 00:09:56,073
What'd you do,
send empty envelopes?
236
00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:58,075
I must have sent 'em
the carbon paper.
237
00:09:58,119 --> 00:09:59,816
What an original mistake.
238
00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:02,471
Look, I'm sorry.
I'll send it right away.
239
00:10:02,514 --> 00:10:04,386
And I'll even postmark it
yesterday
240
00:10:04,429 --> 00:10:06,214
-so it'll get there sooner.
-What's the point?
241
00:10:06,257 --> 00:10:07,607
You've already given 'em
a week's head start.
242
00:10:07,650 --> 00:10:09,173
We'll never see
that camera again.
243
00:10:09,217 --> 00:10:10,914
That's a shame too,
'cause I'd really love
244
00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:12,655
to take a picture of Klinger
doing his job.
245
00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,309
I wouldn't have to worry
about him moving.
246
00:10:16,441 --> 00:10:20,620
[door opens, closes]
247
00:10:20,663 --> 00:10:22,404
[laughing]
248
00:10:26,843 --> 00:10:28,628
♪♪ [Big Band]
249
00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:31,631
Rosie.
250
00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:34,416
-I need a favor.
-Sure, Klinger.
251
00:10:34,459 --> 00:10:38,072
Anything for a friend
with $5.00.
252
00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:39,943
I just wanna talk.
253
00:10:39,987 --> 00:10:41,336
Okay, $3.00.
254
00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:45,949
Where would
a guy sell, uh,
255
00:10:45,993 --> 00:10:47,908
stolen merchandise
around here?
256
00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:50,084
You talking
to the wrong person.
257
00:10:50,127 --> 00:10:51,781
I'm strictly legit.
258
00:10:51,825 --> 00:10:53,783
Okay, $5.00.
259
00:10:57,961 --> 00:11:00,007
You heard of a place
called Little Chicago?
260
00:11:00,050 --> 00:11:01,965
Little Chicago?
What's that?
261
00:11:02,009 --> 00:11:05,186
Big place in field somewhere.
Just like Macy's,
262
00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:07,231
except everything
there stolen from Gimbels.
263
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:10,408
-Black market, huh?
-Pitch black.
264
00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:12,889
That sounds like
what I'm lookin' for.
Where is this place?
265
00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:15,152
Always one step ahead
of the law.
266
00:11:15,196 --> 00:11:17,459
You think MASH mobile?
267
00:11:17,502 --> 00:11:20,854
This Little Chicago
really toddlin' town.
268
00:11:20,897 --> 00:11:22,725
Where is it right now?
269
00:11:22,769 --> 00:11:27,034
Uh-oh. Rosie's memory
seems to be slipping.
270
00:11:27,077 --> 00:11:30,646
How much, uh,
to cure your amnesia?
271
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,823
Ah, Klinger,
you just like family.
272
00:11:33,867 --> 00:11:35,520
Three dollars.
273
00:11:47,663 --> 00:11:54,322
[chattering]
274
00:11:54,365 --> 00:11:56,063
Fifty cent, G.I.,
very good.
275
00:11:56,106 --> 00:11:57,804
This good.
Very good.
276
00:11:57,847 --> 00:12:00,937
-MAN: This come in last week.
-WOMAN: G.I.
277
00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:04,245
[chattering continues]
278
00:12:04,288 --> 00:12:06,203
-Oh, $20. Okay, $20.
-Twenty dollars?
279
00:12:06,247 --> 00:12:11,513
Ten, 10. Okay.
[speaking Korean]
280
00:12:11,556 --> 00:12:16,126
Hey, this is the watch
I lost last year.
Where did you get it?
281
00:12:16,170 --> 00:12:19,303
Wait a minute, G.I.
How do you know it's your watch?
282
00:12:19,347 --> 00:12:22,045
Well, how many
Lady Benrus's do you have
283
00:12:22,089 --> 00:12:23,917
that say Max Klinger
on the back?
284
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,006
This my last one.
Twenty dollars.
285
00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:27,703
Twenty dollars?
286
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,140
Of course.
It's monogrammed.
287
00:12:30,184 --> 00:12:33,100
Why do I have to pay
to buy my own watch back?
288
00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:36,103
You no like it,
there's complaint department.
289
00:12:38,845 --> 00:12:40,411
So what do you got
in cameras?
290
00:12:40,455 --> 00:12:42,022
I got no cameras.
291
00:12:42,065 --> 00:12:44,111
Try over there.
292
00:12:44,154 --> 00:12:46,156
Good radio.
Thank you.
293
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:49,290
Hey, buddy, I'm lookin'
for a special kind of camera.
294
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:51,205
Makes its own pictures.
You push a button,
295
00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:52,249
pull it out from
the other side
296
00:12:52,293 --> 00:12:53,337
and wait a while and--
297
00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:55,252
Oh, you mean Polaroid.
298
00:12:55,296 --> 00:12:58,865
You lucky.
This brand-new.
Come in last week.
299
00:12:58,908 --> 00:13:01,563
I had a feeling it did.
How much?
300
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:03,565
-For you, 80 bucks.
-Eighty bucks?
301
00:13:03,608 --> 00:13:05,045
Forget it.
All I got is 50.
302
00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:07,656
Okay, in that case, 75.
Take it or leave it.
303
00:13:07,699 --> 00:13:09,876
I'm tellin' ya,
I've only got 50.
304
00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:11,660
-How about 60?
-Sold.
305
00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:14,184
♪ You ought to be
in pictures ♪
306
00:13:14,228 --> 00:13:17,187
♪ You're beautiful
to see ♪
307
00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:19,537
♪ You ought to be
in pictures ♪
308
00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:23,063
♪ Oh, what a hit
you will be ♪
309
00:13:23,106 --> 00:13:25,413
♪♪ [vocalizing]
310
00:13:25,456 --> 00:13:27,763
♪ You're Jupiter and Mars
311
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,070
♪♪ [vocalizing]
312
00:13:30,113 --> 00:13:32,202
♪ You're a star of stars
313
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:37,860
[engine off]
314
00:13:37,904 --> 00:13:39,514
Hi, fellas.
What's goin' on?
315
00:13:39,557 --> 00:13:41,255
Just setting up a routine check
of all vehicles, Corporal.
316
00:13:41,298 --> 00:13:43,648
Well, check away.
Always willing to cooperate
317
00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:45,085
with men carrying
automatic weapons.
318
00:13:45,128 --> 00:13:47,000
What are you lookin' for?
319
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:48,740
C.I.D.'s comin' down hard
320
00:13:48,784 --> 00:13:50,917
on all the stealing
that's been goin' on.
321
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,049
Yeah, well, you don't
have to tell me about
stolen merchandise.
322
00:13:53,093 --> 00:13:55,051
Mind if I look at
that camera, Corporal?
323
00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:56,836
Of course I don't mind.
324
00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:59,447
But I think it's important
for you to know it was stolen.
325
00:13:59,490 --> 00:14:01,666
♪♪ [humming]
326
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:04,974
Serial number
and initials match.
327
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:07,934
Corporal, are you aware
this camera's been stolen?
328
00:14:07,977 --> 00:14:10,240
Yeah, sure.
I just found it and bought it.
329
00:14:10,284 --> 00:14:12,416
It belongs to Captains
Pierce and Hunnicutt.
330
00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:14,549
Well, I'll be seein' you.
Good luck with your roadblock.
331
00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:16,507
Hold it, Corporal.
332
00:14:16,551 --> 00:14:18,161
It says here it belongs
to Captains Pierce and
Hunnicutt.
333
00:14:18,205 --> 00:14:21,469
You acquainted
with these men?
334
00:14:21,512 --> 00:14:24,907
Acquainted? I'm the one
who filed the report.
I'm Max Klinger.
335
00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:26,822
We got a report
filed here by
336
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:29,303
a Corporal Maxwell
Q. Klinger.
337
00:14:29,346 --> 00:14:31,305
I am Maxwell Q. Klinger.
338
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:32,610
Boy, you got an answer
for everything,
339
00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:34,047
don't you, fella?
340
00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:35,309
All right, step out
of the jeep, soldier.
341
00:14:35,352 --> 00:14:37,050
Oh, boy.
342
00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:42,142
Excuse me.
I'm looking for
343
00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:44,622
Captains Pierce
and Hunnicutt.
344
00:14:44,666 --> 00:14:46,102
I'm Hunnicutt,
he's Pierce.
345
00:14:46,146 --> 00:14:49,976
You must be an M.P.
You have an arresting smile.
346
00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:53,283
-Is this yours?
-Beej, look, our baby!
347
00:14:53,327 --> 00:14:56,896
Oh, come to Papa.
I thought I'd never gaze
into that little lens again.
348
00:14:56,939 --> 00:14:59,463
You're absolutely positive
this is your camera?
349
00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:01,117
-Absolutely.
-Positively.
350
00:15:01,161 --> 00:15:02,945
Look, it even has my B.F.P.
scratched right there.
351
00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:06,253
Wait a minute. You scratched
your initials in our camera?
352
00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:09,778
An old habit from summer camp
where initials are 9/10ths of
the law.
353
00:15:09,821 --> 00:15:12,215
Well, don't forget that
5/10ths of the camera is mine.
354
00:15:12,259 --> 00:15:13,869
Just sign this statement
identifying this as the item
355
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,915
-that you reported stolen.
-You bet.
356
00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:17,568
I'll scratch
my initials on that too,
if you don't mind.
357
00:15:17,612 --> 00:15:19,570
New camp habit.
358
00:15:19,614 --> 00:15:20,920
Fine work, young man.
359
00:15:20,963 --> 00:15:22,225
Glad to see somebody's
on the beam.
360
00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:23,487
We like to work fast, sir.
361
00:15:23,531 --> 00:15:25,054
See, we got the report
yesterday,
362
00:15:25,098 --> 00:15:27,535
so you get
the camera back today.
363
00:15:27,578 --> 00:15:29,406
We would have gotten it
a week ago
364
00:15:29,450 --> 00:15:30,973
if Klinger had filed
that report when he
should have.
365
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:33,715
Is that so?
366
00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:35,064
Would you initial
this here too, please?
367
00:15:35,108 --> 00:15:36,283
Oh, I'd be happy to.
368
00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:38,154
Where was the camera
finally found?
369
00:15:38,198 --> 00:15:39,982
In a box of stolen
Cracker Jacks?
370
00:15:40,026 --> 00:15:41,636
Did you nab
the desperado?
371
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:43,594
Yes, sir.
We caught him red-handed.
372
00:15:43,638 --> 00:15:44,944
Boy, I'd like to get
my hands on that guy.
373
00:15:44,987 --> 00:15:46,032
Who was the creep anyway?
374
00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:48,643
Corporal Maxwell Klinger.
375
00:15:48,686 --> 00:15:51,211
-[laughing]
-What, are you kidding?
376
00:15:51,254 --> 00:15:53,256
Son, your helmet
must be a little snug.
377
00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:54,910
Klinger's our company clerk.
378
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,956
See, in order to have
a criminal mentality,
379
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:59,175
one must first have
a mentality.
380
00:15:59,219 --> 00:16:01,569
Sergeant, as commander
of this unit, I can
381
00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:03,745
attest Klinger would
never take that camera.
382
00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:06,487
Yeah, well, the neighbors
are always surprised.
383
00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:08,358
We caught him dead to rights.
384
00:16:08,402 --> 00:16:10,056
We're two
of his best buddies.
385
00:16:10,099 --> 00:16:12,188
That may be,
but you're also gonna be
386
00:16:12,232 --> 00:16:13,624
two of our best witnesses.
387
00:16:13,668 --> 00:16:14,886
This is pretty
damning evidence.
388
00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:16,976
-Wait a second!
-Sorry, Captain.
389
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:19,717
You got a problem,
you talk to C.I.D.
390
00:16:19,761 --> 00:16:22,982
And so I took the M.P.'s back
to the spot
391
00:16:23,025 --> 00:16:26,028
where Little Chicago was,
and the whole place was gone.
392
00:16:26,072 --> 00:16:27,595
Not a trace.
393
00:16:27,638 --> 00:16:29,553
It's been a long day
for you, hasn't it, son?
394
00:16:29,597 --> 00:16:31,468
How would you like
to spend three hours
395
00:16:31,512 --> 00:16:35,385
in a detention cell
with a drunken
Mongolian pickpocket?
396
00:16:35,429 --> 00:16:39,737
He tried to lift
my wallet four times. Five.
397
00:16:39,781 --> 00:16:41,391
Well, we all
wanted you to know
398
00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:44,177
you've got
our complete support.
399
00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:45,787
Does that include
the witnesses
400
00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:46,918
for the prosecution?
401
00:16:46,962 --> 00:16:48,311
Hey, wait a second.
402
00:16:48,355 --> 00:16:49,921
All we did was tell
them it was our camera.
403
00:16:49,965 --> 00:16:51,401
You also told them
that I held back
404
00:16:51,445 --> 00:16:53,447
the stolen goods report
for a week.
405
00:16:53,490 --> 00:16:55,101
We wouldn't have said
anything at all
406
00:16:55,144 --> 00:16:56,928
if we'd known you were
the one who stole it.
407
00:16:56,972 --> 00:16:58,713
Well, you know what I mean.
408
00:16:58,756 --> 00:17:00,497
You guys are gonna be
wonderful on the stand.
409
00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:01,933
Why don't we just call
the firing squad now
410
00:17:01,977 --> 00:17:03,587
and avoid the rush?
411
00:17:03,631 --> 00:17:06,068
I lay out 60 bucks tryin'
to help my friends,
412
00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:07,678
and this is the thanks
I get.
413
00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:09,158
Come on!
We're not ungrateful.
414
00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:11,160
You know we'd never
get you in trouble.
415
00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:13,075
Now, now, everybody calm down
416
00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:14,598
and let grayer heads prevail.
417
00:17:14,642 --> 00:17:16,078
Let's look at the facts.
418
00:17:16,122 --> 00:17:18,820
Before the army gets involved
in a court-martial,
419
00:17:18,863 --> 00:17:21,127
there's gotta be
an investigation.
420
00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:24,869
Why? Colonel, I'm like
a son to you, aren't I?
421
00:17:24,913 --> 00:17:27,263
The Lebanese lad
I never had.
422
00:17:27,307 --> 00:17:29,657
And you know
I'd never lie to you
423
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:30,658
if the chips
were really down.
424
00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:32,573
I'd bet my carcass on it.
425
00:17:32,616 --> 00:17:34,053
Then, believe me, sir,
426
00:17:34,096 --> 00:17:35,837
I didn't steal anything.
427
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,100
There. Now you don't
have to investigate me.
428
00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:39,710
I wish it were
up to me, son,
429
00:17:39,754 --> 00:17:42,104
but the army's got its
own way of doing things.
430
00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:44,628
That's why they've
assigned an independent,
431
00:17:44,672 --> 00:17:47,066
impartial investigator.
432
00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:50,547
A total stranger?
Someone who's never
broken bread with me?
433
00:17:50,591 --> 00:17:52,506
Never basked in the warmth
of my smile?
434
00:17:52,549 --> 00:17:54,464
Klinger, put down the shovel.
You're innocent.
435
00:17:54,508 --> 00:17:56,597
This investigator
will find out he's
on a wild-goose chase.
436
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,382
Oh, yeah? With my luck,
he'll be some weeny guy
437
00:17:59,426 --> 00:18:01,167
who's just itchin'
for a chance
438
00:18:01,210 --> 00:18:03,082
to get even for
the lousy hand
life dealt him,
439
00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:05,084
who resents swarthy men
of action.
440
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:09,175
Excuse me, sir.
My wild goose is cooked.
441
00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:23,667
So this is what he meant
442
00:18:23,711 --> 00:18:25,147
when he said he was
a photography buff.
443
00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:26,583
Aren't you a trifle
overexposed?
444
00:18:26,627 --> 00:18:29,108
You were just supposed
to watch the camera.
445
00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:30,979
Now, gentlemen,
446
00:18:31,022 --> 00:18:32,850
I thought this would be
the perfect opportunity
447
00:18:32,894 --> 00:18:36,593
to, uh, bring
my passport up to date.
448
00:18:36,637 --> 00:18:38,073
In mere seconds,
I will show you
449
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,857
the proper use
of this toy.
450
00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:42,512
-Forget it, Marlene.
-I'm really not in the mood.
451
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:44,601
I was before,
but I'm certainly not now.
452
00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:47,256
I take it things
are not looking up
for our thief of Baghdad.
453
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:49,563
Oh, he'll be fine as long
as he doesn't find out
454
00:18:49,606 --> 00:18:50,868
where the colonel hid
his razor.
455
00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:52,783
One can hardly blame
Klinger.
456
00:18:52,827 --> 00:18:54,568
Even the most inept
investigator's
457
00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:55,873
gonna stumble onto
the shadowy career
458
00:18:55,917 --> 00:18:57,701
of our dead-end kid cum laude.
459
00:18:57,745 --> 00:18:59,573
He's right, you know.
The only reason
the army let him in
460
00:18:59,616 --> 00:19:01,401
was because prison
turned him down.
461
00:19:01,444 --> 00:19:03,011
What're we supposed to do?
Toss a blanket over him
462
00:19:03,054 --> 00:19:04,534
until the investigator
leaves?
463
00:19:04,578 --> 00:19:06,275
While you gentlemen ponder
the next chapter
464
00:19:06,319 --> 00:19:08,147
of "Crime and Punishment,"
465
00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:11,019
I will show you
a magnificent portrait of--
466
00:19:11,062 --> 00:19:13,195
-B.J.: Your better half.
-[Hawkeye laughing]
467
00:19:13,239 --> 00:19:14,805
They're here.
468
00:19:20,071 --> 00:19:22,770
Klinger, this is the best
damn job of cataloging
I've ever seen.
469
00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:25,120
No telling how many lives
you have saved. Hello.
470
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:26,643
Captain,
this is B.J. Hunnicutt,
471
00:19:26,687 --> 00:19:28,167
-my esteemed colleague.
-Hi.
472
00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:29,690
And this is Corporal
Maxwell Klinger,
473
00:19:29,733 --> 00:19:31,474
our even more esteemed
company clerk.
474
00:19:31,518 --> 00:19:33,172
Gentlemen,
this is Captain Triplett
475
00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:34,477
from C.I.D.
headquarters.
476
00:19:34,521 --> 00:19:35,522
Pleased to meet you,
Corporal.
477
00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:36,610
Pleased to meet you, sir!
478
00:19:36,653 --> 00:19:39,395
Corporal-- Oh, beg pardon.
479
00:19:39,439 --> 00:19:40,788
I didn't know
we had company.
480
00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:42,833
Colonel Potter,
meet Captain Arvin Triplett,
481
00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:44,705
special investigator
from C.I.D.
482
00:19:44,748 --> 00:19:46,794
-Pleased to meet you, Colonel.
-Likewise, Captain.
483
00:19:46,837 --> 00:19:49,318
I'm afraid you caught me
in mid-paperwork.
484
00:19:49,362 --> 00:19:51,190
Do you mind if I do
a little business
with my clerk?
485
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:53,540
-It won't take long.
-Certainly, Colonel.
486
00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:56,020
Corporal, are this week's
requisitions ready for my--
487
00:19:56,064 --> 00:19:58,327
Hancock, comma, John, sir!
488
00:19:58,371 --> 00:20:00,808
Now, how are you coming
with that detailed inventory
of the supply room?
489
00:20:00,851 --> 00:20:02,853
-All completed, sir.
-Isn't he unbelievable?
490
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:05,595
-Oh, he's a real paper tiger.
-Now for the really tough one.
491
00:20:05,639 --> 00:20:09,512
Have you completed indexing
the patients' medical records
for the last year?
492
00:20:09,556 --> 00:20:11,427
Oh, come on, Colonel,
he's only human.
493
00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:13,429
Cross-indexed
to blood type, sir.
494
00:20:13,473 --> 00:20:15,736
Also to height
and mother's maiden name.
495
00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:17,694
Every so often,
I toss him a knuckleball,
496
00:20:17,738 --> 00:20:20,436
but wouldn't you know it,
he always handles it.
497
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,003
No time for blushing, sir.
498
00:20:22,046 --> 00:20:23,265
I'm off to post-op
499
00:20:23,309 --> 00:20:25,093
to read to the soldiers
with eye damage.
500
00:20:29,576 --> 00:20:31,230
Well, thanks to Klinger,
501
00:20:31,273 --> 00:20:34,015
the rest of my day is free.
[chuckles]
502
00:20:34,058 --> 00:20:35,364
Now what can I do you for,
Captain?
503
00:20:35,408 --> 00:20:36,844
Well, if you don't mind,
Colonel,
504
00:20:36,887 --> 00:20:38,193
I think I'd like
to go to my tent
505
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,326
-and unpack my things.
-Of course.
506
00:20:40,369 --> 00:20:42,502
If Klinger hasn't beaten me
to it.
507
00:20:45,026 --> 00:20:46,810
-Mm-hmm.
-Uh-huh.
508
00:20:46,854 --> 00:20:49,030
And then Klinger said
to me,
509
00:20:49,073 --> 00:20:52,207
"It's not the quantity
of souls in your parish
510
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,644
"but the quantity of souls
in your parish
511
00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:56,603
that don't perish."
512
00:20:56,646 --> 00:20:59,954
Yes. I've never forgotten
that, Captain.
513
00:20:59,997 --> 00:21:02,043
How could anyone
forget that, Father?
514
00:21:02,086 --> 00:21:03,784
I know I can't.
Can you?
515
00:21:03,827 --> 00:21:05,525
No. It ranks right up there
with the Golden Rule.
516
00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:08,310
Even under the burden
of his many responsibilities,
517
00:21:08,354 --> 00:21:10,356
I can't look up
from one of my services
518
00:21:10,399 --> 00:21:14,316
without seeing his smiling
countenance front row center.
519
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,406
Klinger is a comfort
to us all.
520
00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:19,756
-Indeed.
-Indeed.
521
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:21,802
I think Klinger's record
speaks for itself, Father.
522
00:21:21,845 --> 00:21:24,457
Wowee, Father,
they got cold cuts.
523
00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:27,068
Yeah, that Klinger.
He's a real great guy.
524
00:21:27,111 --> 00:21:30,114
Always comin' through for us.
See these fresh oranges?
525
00:21:30,158 --> 00:21:32,900
Klinger traded six cases
of C-rations for 'em.
526
00:21:32,943 --> 00:21:34,989
Thanks to those phony
labels he stuck on 'em,
527
00:21:35,032 --> 00:21:38,122
the 8063rd thinks
they're gettin'
French pâté.
528
00:21:38,166 --> 00:21:39,341
[laughs]
529
00:21:39,385 --> 00:21:41,691
-What a guy.
-Yeah, what a guy.
530
00:21:41,735 --> 00:21:44,128
Captain, here's
to your happy bon voyage
531
00:21:44,172 --> 00:21:45,347
from the 4077th.
532
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,526
Yes, the 4077th...
533
00:21:50,570 --> 00:21:52,659
home of Albert Schweitzer,
534
00:21:52,702 --> 00:21:54,182
Joan of Arc,
535
00:21:54,225 --> 00:21:56,010
and Champion the Wonder Horse
536
00:21:56,053 --> 00:21:58,621
all rolled into
one Maxwell Klinger.
537
00:21:58,665 --> 00:22:00,710
Yeah, well, you gotta admit,
he's quite a guy.
538
00:22:00,754 --> 00:22:02,321
Congratulations, fellas.
539
00:22:02,364 --> 00:22:04,235
In the short time
that I have been here,
540
00:22:04,279 --> 00:22:06,237
you've managed to lay
on enough whitewash
541
00:22:06,281 --> 00:22:08,109
to cover the Great Wall
of China.
542
00:22:08,152 --> 00:22:10,677
No one's tried to insult
my intelligence this badly
543
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,331
since basic training.
544
00:22:12,374 --> 00:22:14,420
Look, Captain.
We wouldn't have
whitewashed him
545
00:22:14,463 --> 00:22:15,986
if we didn't think
he was a pretty
terrific guy.
546
00:22:16,030 --> 00:22:17,597
Maybe we overdid it
a little,
547
00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:19,163
but it's only because
we care about him.
548
00:22:19,207 --> 00:22:21,949
You can't be with someone
day and night for months
549
00:22:21,992 --> 00:22:24,168
without learning something
about his character.
550
00:22:24,212 --> 00:22:26,388
Down to my bones,
551
00:22:26,432 --> 00:22:28,825
I know that boy did
not swipe the camera.
552
00:22:28,869 --> 00:22:30,914
Relax.
Klinger's off the hook.
553
00:22:30,958 --> 00:22:32,394
-Huh?
-What do you mean?
554
00:22:32,438 --> 00:22:34,091
I've found absolutely
no hard evidence
555
00:22:34,135 --> 00:22:35,484
that points to
Corporal Klinger's guilt.
556
00:22:35,528 --> 00:22:37,486
Oh. Now that's more like it.
557
00:22:37,530 --> 00:22:39,270
Yeah, sure he's obviously
558
00:22:39,314 --> 00:22:41,272
a top-notch finagler
and con artist,
559
00:22:41,316 --> 00:22:43,362
but the army's full
of those.
560
00:22:43,405 --> 00:22:45,146
Oh, this calls
for another round.
561
00:22:45,189 --> 00:22:47,191
Rosie?
562
00:22:47,235 --> 00:22:49,193
Let's have some drinks on me
563
00:22:49,237 --> 00:22:52,022
to the man of the hour,
Captain Triplett.
564
00:22:52,066 --> 00:22:54,373
Comin' up.
Oh, by the way,
565
00:22:54,416 --> 00:22:56,418
when you see Klinger,
give him a message for me.
566
00:22:56,462 --> 00:22:57,680
Tell him the heat is on.
567
00:22:57,724 --> 00:23:00,204
C.I.D. is investigating
stolen goods.
568
00:23:00,248 --> 00:23:03,991
So this bad time to sell
anything in Little Chicago.
569
00:23:04,034 --> 00:23:06,080
Okay, I'll get
those drinks now.
570
00:23:06,123 --> 00:23:07,864
No. Not for me.
571
00:23:07,908 --> 00:23:09,823
I've just gone back
to work.
572
00:23:14,349 --> 00:23:15,829
Max, it's moments
like this
573
00:23:15,872 --> 00:23:17,265
when I wish I were still
a buck private
574
00:23:17,308 --> 00:23:18,658
diggin' a trench
at Vimy Ridge.
575
00:23:18,701 --> 00:23:20,486
Just lay it on the line,
Colonel.
576
00:23:20,529 --> 00:23:22,401
Son, the official
recommendation
577
00:23:22,444 --> 00:23:25,316
from Captain Triplett is
that within the next few days
578
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:28,015
you be brought up on charges
for a special court-martial.
579
00:23:28,058 --> 00:23:29,669
Court-martial?
580
00:23:29,712 --> 00:23:32,019
What'll they do to me
if I'm found guilty?
581
00:23:32,062 --> 00:23:33,760
They'll probably
give you six months.
582
00:23:33,803 --> 00:23:36,676
Well, at least the stockade
is safer than this place.
583
00:23:36,719 --> 00:23:38,329
North Koreans
aren't gonna waste
584
00:23:38,373 --> 00:23:39,461
their expensive
mortar rounds
585
00:23:39,505 --> 00:23:41,855
on a license plate factory.
586
00:23:41,898 --> 00:23:43,944
I don't wanna throw a dart
in that optimistic balloon
of yours,
587
00:23:43,987 --> 00:23:46,337
but that's six months
at hard labor.
588
00:23:46,381 --> 00:23:48,470
Hard labor.
589
00:23:48,514 --> 00:23:50,472
I don't like either
of those words.
590
00:23:50,516 --> 00:23:53,388
Get's worse, lad.
They'll slap you with
a dishonorable discharge,
591
00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:55,651
which means
no vet benefits,
592
00:23:55,695 --> 00:23:57,958
plus a civilian
criminal record
593
00:23:58,001 --> 00:23:59,612
doggin' you for
the rest of your life.
594
00:23:59,655 --> 00:24:01,178
♪♪
595
00:24:20,981 --> 00:24:22,504
♪♪ [theme]
45661
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