All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S09E13 - No Laughing Matter (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

Hey, Hawk. Here we go.
Here's a good one.

"How Secure Are You?
Question number 1:

Do you become evasive
when asked about your
true feelings?"

-Depends what you
mean by evasive.

Come on, Hawk.
Yes and no answers only.

All right. Yes and no.

That's a yes.
Okay, number 2:

"Is being insecure robbing you
of personal fulfillment?"

No, it's being in Korea.
This is a silly test.

What do you mean?
It was developed

by the top psychiatrist
at Reader's Digest.

Yeah? The way they
condense everything,

what's his name,
Dr. Sigmund Fred?

Okay, fine.
We'll forget about it.

Hey. Just because
I think it's silly

doesn't mean I don't
want to take it.

Come on.
Question number 3.

All right, funny guy.
I'll give you one more chance.

Question number 3:
"Do you find it necessary

to deal with serious subjects
in a joking manner?"

No.

All right, that does it.

All you want to do
is joke around. Here.

There's an article in there
about you: "Humor In Uniform."

Wait a minute.
I was serious.

Come on.
You joke all the time.

It says "Do I find it
necessary."

I don't. It's not
like I'm a gagaholic.

Howdy, Captains. Membership
still open in this powwow?

Pull up a chair, Colonel.

Reader's Digest.

Darn fine publication.

Mildred and I
have the complete
abridged library.

Mildred can never figure out

what they've
cut out of those books.

They seem perfect.

Yeah, I love those.
My favorites are

A Tale Of A City
and The Two Musketeers.

[door opens]

I thought you'd want
to see this TWX, sir.

Colonel Horace Baldwin
is coming here tomorrow

on a fact-finding tour.

Happens every time the army
starts running low on facts.

Horace Baldwin?

If I were
with Western Union,

I would at this moment
be receiving a gratuity.

Get back to work, lad.

Talk is cheap,
and so is the colonel.

Now I place the moniker.

Baldwin's the honcho

who exiled Winchester from his
cushy job at Tokyo General.

When the major
finds out about this,

he's gonna sneeze bricks.

Let me handle this. I want
to be there and see that.

Put a lid on it, Pierce.
This is a powder keg.

I don't want anybody
setting a match to it.

-Don't worry about me, Colonel.
-No more Horace-ing around.

Well, I'm not lookin' forward
to breaking the news to him.

I better fix myself
another toddy.

-HAWKEYE: What are you doing?
-Keeping a running tab.

-I only had one drink.
-Who's talking about drinks?

You did five jokes:

A Tale Of A City,
The Two Musketeers,

running low on facts...

So what's the point?

Well, according
to official statistics

just released by the army,

you did five jokes
in about a minute.

That's, uh,
300 jokes an hour,

15 hours a day...
about 5,000 jokes a day.

You're a funny guy--
not secure, but funny.

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.
The point is

I didn't have
to make any of those.
I just felt like it.

-Of course. I understand.
-So what you're saying is...

I can get out of the army
as an insecurity risk, huh?

That's six.

POTTER: They knew what
they were talking about

when they passed
the Golden Rule:

Do unto others as you would
have others do unto you.

"Forgive and forget" is
a pretty savvy sentiment too.

And might I also remind you

that valor is not
the only thing,

that discretion
is the better part of--

Colonel, I pray
that there is a reason

why you are assaulting me

with Bartlett's
barrage of platitudes.

I'm trying
to put some stiff

in that upper lip
of yours, Winchester.

An old friend of yours
is coming to call.

-Oh?
-Ahem.

Colonel Horace Baldwin.

Horace Baldwin? When?

Uh, sometime tonight.

Isn't that interesting?

I haven't seen him
since I left Tokyo.

Well, I must say,

you've got a tighter
grip on your reins

than I expected you would.

I was sure you'd Vesuvius
all over my office.

Oh, Colonel, what's the point
in bearing a grudge?

Glad to see you
using some common sense.

What possible benefit
could I derive

from becoming angry
over the impending arrival

of the cretin who banished me
to this flea hatchery?

You are using common sense,
aren't you?

Just because I was forced

to surrender
the delights of Tokyo,

where I could indulge
in Kabuki and octopus?

Winchester, you're letting
that goat of yours

-get got again.
-Have you ever savored

the epicurean delight
of fresh octopus?

I don't care for any food

that hangs on to the plate
when you pick it up.

The injustice of it all!

To banish me to
this vermin preserve,

just to avoid
paying me the $600

he lost to me
in a cribbage game!

Ergo, when he arrives,

I shall perform
elective surgery

on the first organ
that presents itself!

Major, I've got
a hospital to run,

and I don't want
Baldwin in it.

Oh, sir! This may be
the only chance I have

to savor the sweet
fruit of revenge.

I swear by all that is
holy on Beacon Hill,
I shall get even!

-Winchester, ten-hut!
-[whimpers]

I need a volunteer

to stay away from Colonel
Baldwin, and you're it!

-[grunting]
-About face!

Forward, skedaddle!

But, Colonel--

The last laugh has yet
to be laughed, Colonel!

Begging your pardon,
Major--

Quiet, you meddling
little Bedouin!

Sorry, sir, but I've
had a lot of experience

in these matters.

I do not need the wisdom
of your experience.

I am not selling watches
from the trunk of a car.

Let me just ask you
one question.

How would you like to win

an all-expense paid
trip to Tokyo

for the rest of the war?

Tokyo? Japan?

That's right,
the Pearl of the Orient.

And all you have to do
to win this contest

is to know the three W's
for getting ahead:

what to kiss, whose to kiss
and when to kiss it.

Surely you are not
proposing Horace Baldwin's?

The man who sent you here

is the man who can
take you away from all this.

I'd sooner
bathe in pig swill!

Major, look at the big
picture. If you're smart,

the only physical thing you'll
greet Colonel Baldwin with

is a handshake.

This situation calls for tact,

diplomacy, and sucking up.

Suck up? A Winchester?

Remember, to grow
a beautiful rose,

sometimes you gotta
shovel a lot of manure.

Why am I listening to
this interminable drivel

when there's a perfect
murder to be planned?

Good news, Hawk.
There's plenty of hot
water for a change.

All right.
Cut the small talk.

Did you mean what you
said last night?

Of course not.
It was a pack of lies.
What did I say?

You know what I'm
talking about.

You said I was insecure.

What are you letting this
get to you for?

It's a silly little test.

Of course it is.
Perfectly meaningless.

Do you or do you not
think I joke too much?

Come on, come on, come on.

Okay, so maybe you're
a little insecure.

Who isn't?
I also happen to think

you're one of the funniest
people I've ever met.

Hmm.

Polite tap dancing aside,

what you're really saying is

I come off like I'm
some kind of joke machine,

that I have to be restrained
with a "yockstrap."

There's more foam in your
mouth than on your body.

Listen, I'm a very
complex person!

There's a lot more to me
than brilliant humor.

In fact, even without it,
I'm an interesting person.

In fact,
I'm-- I'm fascinating.

Sure you are.

Don't patronize me!

You think I'm just kidding.

-I'll prove it to you.
-There's nothing to prove.

Okay, you're on.
I'll bet you $10

I can go the whole day
without making a single joke.

You're not gonna let go
of this thing, are you?

How can I? You keep
throwing it up in my face.

-So is it a bet?
-Okay.

For you I'll take the bet.

But it has to be just
between you and me.

Otherwise, it wouldn't
be an honest test.

You're on.

[chuckles] Oh, boy,
dinner looks good tonight.

What do you suppose it was in
its previous life, huh, Hawk?

-These are leftovers.
-I'll bet.

From which war are they
left over, huh, Hawk?

Obviously the Korean War.

-Ahh.
-You want some
of this fried fish?

Sure. And while you're at it,
check the oil. Right, Hawk?

I'll just have some
of that orange stuff.

Ah, the green beans.

Green beans?
They look more like--

-Forget it.
-[chortles]

I'll tell you what.

I'll be happy to settle
the bet for half right now,

and you can go back and talk
to Igor about green beans.

Oh, I could go back there
and make some remarks,

and they'd be cleverer
than the ones you just made,

but I'm not
as insecure as you.

Howdy.
Have a seat, boys.

Thank you.

On your feet, boys.

-What?
-Huh?

That's him-- Horace Baldwin.

In case Winchester
shows up,

I want you two
out there

to cut him off
at the pass.

You can count on us,
Colonel Earp. Right, Doc?

I'll be glad to help.

POTTER: There he is.
Let's go.

We don't have
to take him alive, do we?

Of course we do.

Pierce, will you stop
clowning around?

Tsk, tsk, tsk!

Now don't be stupid,
Winchester.

Breaking a colonel
is seven years' bad luck.

Come on.
It's not worth it.

Gentlemen, I know
exactly what I'm doing.

Colonel Baldwin,
welcome to the 4077.

I don't believe it.
Joe Palooka's turned
into Smilin' Jack.

It's wonderful
to see you again.

Good to see you too.
Who are you?

[chuckles] Why, Major
Charles Winchester, sir.

I served under
your fine tutelage
at Tokyo General.

We used to play cribbage
together, you and I.

Ahh, now I remember.

I never met a man
with better luck.

That's all behind us now,

and Colonel Potter's
in front of us,

and Captains Pierce
and Hunnicutt.

Gentlemen, this is
Colonel Baldwin,

about whom
I've told you so much.

Colonel, nice to have you

in our little corner
of the war.

We're medicine men.
Welcome to the reservation.

How do you do, Colonel?

Aha! Colonel Baldwin,

as you live and breathe,
thank goodness.

Ah! Colonel, this is our
esteemed company clerk
Maxwell Klinger.

Corporal, you will take our
guest to the VIP tent,

and you will do everything
in your power

to make him
as comfortable as possible.

I will? I will!

Oh, I read you
loud and clear,

O Most Gracious Host.
Consider him comfortable.

Thank you very much,
Major.

Oh, yes. Perhaps later
we can play some cribbage.

Give you a chance
to get even with me,

literally and figuratively.

Kind of, uh, pressing
your luck, aren't you?

Well, if my incredible
good fortune should run out,

it would be an honor to lose
to someone of your skill.

That's my boy, sir.

This way,
Your Vip-ness.

Major, you were kind,
courteous,

and every bit
the gentleman.

What do you have
up your sleeve?

Maybe a gun.

Does a Winchester carry
a Derringer, hmm?

-It seems unlikely.
-Gentlemen,

the answer is very simple.

This morning I received
some sage advice

to forgive, forget,
do unto others, et cetera.

Hold it! I was the one
who gave out that advice,

and I happen to know
I was talking to myself.

Very observant, Colonel.
In all candor,

I'm shoveling a little
manure for my Tokyo Rose.

Bye.

Uh, I-- I don't know.

BALDWIN: 18 points.

You never should have
done that, Winchester.

Well, there was no way
I could possibly have
foreseen

such a brilliant execution
of daring strategy.

Looks like your luck
is running out

and my skill
is taking over.

Here's mud in your eye.

Inevitable it should
come to an end
sooner or later.

Ahh. Eh, this hooch
is top-notch.

Yes, 18-year-old cognac
often is.

As a matter of fact,
I procured this...
hooch in Tokyo.

Speaking of Tokyo,

I assume the octopus
is as good as ever.

Ah, I never touch
that raw fish junk.

Give me a good old steak
any day.

My sentiments exactly.

I'm strictly a meat-and-taters
man myself.

Many's the time
I've enjoyed a T-bone

at some of Boston's finest
restaurants.

So, you're from Bean Town, eh?

Yeah, Bean Town.
Although more
and more frequently,

I find my thoughts
turning to my home
away from home Tokyo.

Ah! Bust.

Yeah, double run of 3,
4, 8, plus 15 for two.

Whew!

[humming]

This is amazing.
In just this brief time,

you've managed to eradicate
your debt of $623,

and actually pull ahead
$5.14.

Ah! I had a feeling
I'd be hot today.

So did I. Huh!

I have no intention
of being humiliated further.

Since your debt to me
no longer exists,

uh, why don't we
hang up our cards

and talk about our
common ground-- Tokyo?

Don't be ridiculous.
I'm on a streak.

I'm not gonna quit
until I've taken you
for everything you've got.

Ha ha!
How I love a challenge.

We're running low on this
rotgut. You got any more?

Eh, coming right up.
The last of the rotgut.

Heh-heh! So, eh, if my
calculations are correct,

you now owe me $452.27.

[sighs] I assume
a check will suffice.

Eh, how do I know
you're good for it?

Good... for it?

The Winchesters are one
of the finest families

in all...Bean Town.

We have impeccable credit

in the financial capitals
of the world:

London, Geneva, Tokyo.

Were I there now,

you would be
counting your money

in a matter of minutes.

All right,
I'll take your check.

You sure do seem
fond of Tokyo.

Heh-heh! Call me spoiled.

It's just that-- Oh! There.

I have, uh,
an affinity for cities

where the roof over one's head

is not made of the same
material as one's trousers.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I hate to be away
from Tokyo myself.

-Yeah.
-It gets lonely on the road.

I thought perhaps you could
find me some companionship.

Companionship?

Oh, come now, Charles.

We're both men of the world,
officers, gentlemen.

No fact-finding tour
is successful

if all one uncovers
is cold, impersonal data.

Am I to understand that
you're looking for something

a little warmer to uncover?

Heh! Hey,
you understand perfectly.

If, uh, anyone
should be interested,

I'll be in my tent
all night,

especially around 2330 hours.

Do your best, Charles,
and I won't forget it.

Don't you understand?
This is not for me.

It's for a shy friend.

Everybody got a shy friend.

As long as you not shy
10 bucks.

-Hm.
-I'll find your
friend a friend.

All right, fine.

I think that one
be fine for you.

And if your friend
prefer a blonde,

she can arrange that.

Oh, she has a friend?

No. She has a wig.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Joe.

Actually, the name
is Cha-- Joe.

[chuckles]
That's, uh, right.

Nice, uh, evening.

Could be terrific evening.

[whispers] I, uh, I think
we understand one other.

Uh, I would like you
to pay a little social call

on a friend of mine.

Oh, I get you, Joe.
Shy friend, huh?

Yeah. [chuckles]
That's right.

MASH, VIP tent, 11:30.

Oh, hello, Major.

Ah. Father Mulcahy.

Yes. Here we are
in the bar at, uh, Rosie's.

So how's, uh, the Lord?

Fine, thank you.
I'll tell Him you asked.

I trust I'm not
interrupting anything.

No, no, no. I was just
having a conversation

with this, uh,
homeless, uh, waif.

Perhaps you were not
aware that my family,

as one of its many
philanthropic endeavors,

is putting this, uh, poor,
starving child through school.

Ten dollar.

She sure has learned
her economics.

Yes.

It's 2330, Major.
I'll take over.

It's all yours, Kellye.

Did you get those reports
for Colonel Baldwin?

Yes. I'll give them
to him in the morning.

He's leaving first thing.

I'll go by,
and if he's still awake,

I'll give them to him now.

Thanks, Major.

-Colonel Baldwin?
-Who is it?

Oh, good. I was afraid
you'd be asleep.
It's Major Houlihan.

Major Houlihan?
I certainly
wasn't expecting you.

I know how important
this is for you, sir,

so I thought I'd take
care of it personally.

My, my. Major Winchester
really outdid himself.

Come right on in.

Uh, where are you, Colonel?

Over here, Major.

Do you always keep
your tent so dark?

[chuckles]

Plenty of light
for us over here.

Colonel, why are you
wearing that hood?

My God!

-[screams]
-[clattering]

[groans]

What's up, Chuck?

Generosity is not the "osity"

you're best known for
around here.

Wouldn't you say?

That's funnier
than I would put it.

Dangerously close to humor.

This is conversation.

Thanks to my ability

to fathom the complexity
of another's psyche,

I shall soon be returning
to my beloved Tokyo.

A toast to my good fortune
and my good-bye.

It's a parting shot,
you might say.

-Panderer!
-What?

You degrade and defile

the proud rank
of Major, Major!

What on earth
has possessed you?

I'll tell you what hasn't
possessed me:

That deranged maniac
with the silver oak leaf
on his hood!

What is this, another pageant
staged for my benefit?

I swear, I don't know a thing
about it, but I love it.

Soliciting nurses
to be nothing more

than cheap concubines
for immoral purposes!

Margaret Houlihan
doesn't concubine
with anybody-- anybody!

And least of all
that degenerate!

He had leather pajamas!

Are your leather
jammies missing?

I don't have any. Do you?

I'm gonna report you

and your Very Important
Pervert to Colonel Potter.

I'll see you at the
court martial. Procurer!

[B.J. laughs]

Part of his
Hippocratic oath:

Heal the sick and procure
for the sicker.

I've got to do something.

Major Joe, 10 dollar!
10 dollar I want!

Who are you? Get away from me!
Why is this happening to me?

Some are born to lead,
others to wallow.

I go to tent like you say.

Find crazy man
rolling on ground
with black bag on head,

yelling "Get out! Get out!"

Look, I swear,
I have never laid eyes

or anything else
on this young lady before!

-[whistles]
-[gasps]

She's got it trained
to come when she whistles.

-You Joe?
-No, uh, no.

No. Actually,
I'm-- I'm Charles.

Uh, anybody here named Joe?
Is there a Joe in the house?

I can't stand this.

Laughter, laughter everywhere,
and not a joke to--

[laughs] No.

Him Joe!

10 dollars or break legs!

Give him five dollars for one
leg and see how you like it.

Hunni-- [gasps]

All right, fine.
You've talked me
right-- right into it.

Ah, gentlemen, the fact
that I'm giving

this enterprising
young man some cash

should in no-o-o way

be construed
as an admission of guilt.

-[laughing]
-This is agony.

It's like I'm dying of thirst
and I can't unscrew my canteen.

-Major.
-Aah!

If I could have a word
with you, uh, in private.

This is more
than I can handle.

I gotta get out of here
before it gets any better.

Winchester, how would you like
to be on my staff in Tokyo?

Uhh-- Tok-- Did I hear Tokyo?

Yeah, I'll just need
a small favor.

Name it.

Major Houlihan has
gone to Colonel Potter

to accuse me
of accosting her.

You and I could get
in a lot of hot water.

Well, now that wouldn't do.

However, if we stick together,
we can deny her story.

We simply claim
she was the aggressor

and only went to Potter
after I rejected her.

[door opens]

Winchester,
you want to explain

all of this after-hours
hoop-de-doo?

Yes, Charles, what did you
do with your hoop-de?

Major Houlihan tells me

that you're some sort
of bordello fellow,

and that
Colonel Baldwin here

gave you the red light
to go ahead.

I grew up
in the military,

but I have never
seen such deviance

unbecoming an officer.

Margaret, please.

You want to explain
all this, Colonel?

Since you insist,
I have no other choice

but to accuse Major Houlihan
of improper behavior.

My only improper behavior

was not scratching
your eyes out!

Margaret, I know
where you can get his legs
broken for 10 bucks.

If I might continue.

In an attempt
to curry my favor

in order
to secure a promotion,

the major made
sexual advances towards me.

Sexual advances?
He's lying!

-You slime!
-Watch her knee, Colonel!

Margaret, you simmer down,
or I'll have you sedated!

If there is any doubt as to
the truth of what I'm saying,

Major Winchester was privy
to this entire incident

and can corroborate
everything.

Yeah, go ahead, Major.

Uh, well...

as painful as this is
for me to say...

I must nevertheless
unequivocally state...

that...

[whimper]

Colonel Baldwin is
lying through his teeth.

[murmuring]

He offered to have me
reassigned to Tokyo

if I would bear false witness
against Major Houlihan.

I've groveled!

I have endured
your insufferable
cribbage playing.

I have kissed your brass!

But I will not,

even for a return to that
Pearl of the Orient, Tokyo,

lie to protect you

while destroying
a friend's career.

Now what have you got
to say for yourself, Colonel?

I seem to have
all the facts I came for.

I think I'll be going.

HAWKEYE [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

It is now 12:01,

which means it's no longer
today. It's tomorrow.

This is
Benjamin Franklin Berle

livening up
your dead of night.

Thanks to B.J. Hunnicutt,

I had a brief bout
with jokus interruptus.

But now I'm back to abnormal.

So bear with me

while I take care of some
unfinished business.

Hey, Igor, keeper
of the public ptomaine.

Before you go to bed,

don't forget to walk
tomorrow's breakfast.

And let me tell you
something, Margaret.

You always talk
about the leather,

but you never do
anything about it.

You know what I mean?

And a big hello to Charles,

our chief procurement officer.

I guess you found out

you can't get to Tokyo
on the layaway plan.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

And the ever-popular

Horace Baldwin

is hereby awarded
the fig-leaf cluster

for service above

and beneath the call of duty.

But seriously...

Sayonara, Tokyo.

Sayonara,
sukiyaki, sumo, sake.

Charles, you should be
proud of yourself.

-Proud?
-Yeah.

Proud to know
that I will never again

enjoy the pleasure of
dining with my shoes off?

Proud of the way
you came to my rescue

and refused
to prostitute yourself.

[gags] Please.
Don't say "prostitute."

Think of it. Instead of
taking the easy way out,

you stood up
for a principle.

Yes. Yes, I did, didn't I?

[chuckles]

Well, I certainly won't
let that happen again.

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [theme]