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1
00:00:01,218 --> 00:00:04,091
♪♪ [theme]
2
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[Hawkeye yawns]
3
00:00:57,622 --> 00:00:59,059
HAWKEYE:
We've been here forever.
4
00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:00,930
How many more have we got
dying to get in?
5
00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:02,627
MULCAHY: We're almost
through. Only four left.
6
00:01:02,671 --> 00:01:05,152
If time heals all wounds,
they should be okay by now.
7
00:01:05,195 --> 00:01:07,154
If we get out of here
before we lose our looks,
8
00:01:07,197 --> 00:01:08,503
we could meet
in the storage room
9
00:01:08,546 --> 00:01:09,852
and take inventory
of each other.
10
00:01:09,895 --> 00:01:11,419
Wear your rubber gloves.
11
00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:12,855
I love watching you
take them off.
12
00:01:12,898 --> 00:01:14,683
No, thanks, Hawkeye.
13
00:01:14,726 --> 00:01:16,076
Hey, you can't blame a guy
14
00:01:16,119 --> 00:01:17,555
for trying to get
into your gloves.
15
00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,688
No gloves,
no storage room, no date.
16
00:01:19,731 --> 00:01:21,690
I'm not gonna spend
another night to remember
17
00:01:21,733 --> 00:01:24,432
with moldy crackers,
sloe gin, and fast talk.
18
00:01:24,475 --> 00:01:27,783
CHARLES: Good heavens!
Six hours for eight patients.
19
00:01:27,826 --> 00:01:30,612
Ever since the army forbade
our use of curare,
20
00:01:30,655 --> 00:01:32,831
the pace around here
would put a snail to sleep.
21
00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:34,311
We've gone from
forbade to worse.
22
00:01:34,355 --> 00:01:37,314
I've noticed the work goes
a lot faster with curare.
23
00:01:37,358 --> 00:01:39,273
Colonel, why is that?
24
00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:42,624
Because anesthetics
like nitrous oxide
can go just so far.
25
00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:43,973
They put the brain
to sleep,
26
00:01:44,016 --> 00:01:45,801
but the muscles
are still awake.
27
00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:47,977
It's much quicker
opening and closing
a patient
28
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:51,720
when his innards aren't
doing loop-de-loops
around your scalpel.
29
00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:56,812
I see. Well, then, why did
the army forbid its use?
30
00:01:56,855 --> 00:01:58,466
They decided that too many
people were dying
31
00:01:58,509 --> 00:02:01,164
because curare wasn't
being used properly.
32
00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:03,340
By that same logic,
they should outlaw cars.
33
00:02:03,384 --> 00:02:06,735
What enrages me is that
in trained hands such as ours,
34
00:02:06,778 --> 00:02:08,432
the drug poses no problem.
35
00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:10,434
A few rotten apples have
put us over the barrel.
36
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What starches my socks
37
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is that only Uncle Sam's
got the spirit of '86.
38
00:02:14,351 --> 00:02:16,266
All the other countries
think it's a wonder drug.
39
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Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
40
00:02:18,355 --> 00:02:20,357
Hey, I have a totally original
idea. You'll love this.
41
00:02:20,401 --> 00:02:22,359
-We'll go to the motor pool--
-Let me guess.
42
00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:24,231
We'll make popcorn,
sit in a jeep,
43
00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:25,623
and pretend
it's a drive-in movie.
44
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:27,538
[yawning]
Thanks, but no thanks.
45
00:02:27,582 --> 00:02:29,192
You couldn't be
further from the truth.
46
00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:30,672
For your information,
I was gonna bring pretzels.
47
00:02:30,715 --> 00:02:31,629
Ah.
48
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,154
[horn honking]
49
00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:44,990
Hold it down.
We can't hear the war.
50
00:02:45,034 --> 00:02:47,471
Do I detect a Canadian
accent in that horn?
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Right you are.
52
00:02:51,997 --> 00:02:54,696
And I'll bet that you are
Corporal Max Klinger, eh?
53
00:02:54,739 --> 00:02:56,480
With any luck,
soon to be promoted
54
00:02:56,524 --> 00:02:58,003
to civilian Max Klinger.
55
00:02:58,047 --> 00:02:59,135
How did you know?
56
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,311
The Montreal Royals
57
00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:02,965
could whip
the Toledo Mud Hens
58
00:03:03,008 --> 00:03:04,445
with their bats tied
behind their backs.
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00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:06,534
Wait a minute.
I know that voice.
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00:03:06,577 --> 00:03:08,666
You're the company clerk
at that Canadian unit.
61
00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:10,233
Right. Colin Turnbull,
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00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:12,017
Second Princess Pat Battalion,
at your service.
63
00:03:12,061 --> 00:03:13,802
What brings you here
to Chez Misery?
64
00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:16,326
I was taking some supplies
back to my unit,
65
00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:18,502
and I got detoured
by the enemy artillery,
66
00:03:18,546 --> 00:03:19,764
so I decided to stop in,
67
00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,026
meet you,
and maybe grab a bite.
68
00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:23,115
You picked the best diner
on the detour.
69
00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:25,509
All the truck drivers
throw up here.
70
00:03:25,553 --> 00:03:28,251
So, uh,
this is the 4077, eh?
71
00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:30,384
Yeah. Place is like
a blind date.
72
00:03:30,427 --> 00:03:33,300
Sounds better on the phone
than it looks in person.
73
00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:35,258
I could pick you up
around 8:00...
74
00:03:35,302 --> 00:03:37,042
We could go to Rosie's bar
for a beer, you know--
75
00:03:37,086 --> 00:03:38,348
Forget it, Hawkeye.
76
00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:39,697
Don't you know
you should never
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end a proposition
with a sentence?
78
00:03:41,351 --> 00:03:42,787
Excuse my grammar.
79
00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:44,311
Go ahead and finish,
then I'll turn you down.
80
00:03:44,354 --> 00:03:46,313
No. Forget it.
I got a better idea.
81
00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:49,229
We'll meet in the shower tent.
Two bodies, one bar of soap.
82
00:03:49,272 --> 00:03:51,666
Better find somebody else
to sponge off of.
83
00:03:51,709 --> 00:03:54,321
What happened?
Has my aftershave curdled?
84
00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:56,497
I've been there before,
Hawkeye.
85
00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:58,847
I mean, Gone With the Wind
is a great movie,
86
00:03:58,890 --> 00:04:01,371
but after you've seen them
burn Atlanta 50 times,
87
00:04:01,415 --> 00:04:03,112
it's not so hot anymore.
88
00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:07,421
So much for that old flame.
89
00:04:07,464 --> 00:04:09,553
Wow. Real powdered eggs, eh?
90
00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:12,730
-And this porridge looks
first-rate.
-Head wound?
91
00:04:12,774 --> 00:04:14,776
Canadian.
92
00:04:14,819 --> 00:04:17,735
Wow, this stuff is really great.
You eat like this every day?
93
00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:20,651
I wouldn't take so much.
Your eyes may be bigger
than our garbage can.
94
00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:23,393
Are you kidding?
You should see what we have to
eat at the British Mess Tent.
95
00:04:23,437 --> 00:04:25,395
[scoffs]
Couldn't be worse than this.
96
00:04:25,439 --> 00:04:27,397
It's about the worst
I've ever eaten.
97
00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:29,660
-You know why the English
have such stiff upper lips?
-Nah.
98
00:04:29,704 --> 00:04:31,662
It's the only way
they can keep their lunch down.
99
00:04:34,186 --> 00:04:35,666
Hold it.
Let's sit over there.
100
00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:37,102
I owe that guy five bucks.
101
00:04:42,238 --> 00:04:44,849
Imagine, a face like mine
and he won't take my check.
102
00:04:44,893 --> 00:04:47,983
Mm. Lucky for me
I stopped by today, eh?
103
00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:50,202
Me too. Leaves less
for the rest of us.
104
00:04:50,246 --> 00:04:53,118
Mmm! This fruit cocktail's
the best I've ever eaten.
105
00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:56,600
What's sauce for the goose
is slop for the gander.
106
00:04:56,644 --> 00:04:58,646
Turnbull, hold it!
107
00:04:58,689 --> 00:05:00,691
Don't tell me.
You didn't.
108
00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:02,693
Yeah. Fruit cocktail,
packed in its own natural muck.
109
00:05:02,737 --> 00:05:05,392
I had Igor shovel some of it
in a doggie barrel for you.
110
00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:07,524
-Well, thanks, Max. Thanks.
-Thanks aren't necessary.
111
00:05:07,568 --> 00:05:09,570
Just remember me
in your will.
112
00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:11,572
And if you're smart,
you'll write it up
before you eat.
113
00:05:11,615 --> 00:05:16,141
[chuckling] My friend,
I want you to have
this bottle of wine.
114
00:05:16,185 --> 00:05:19,231
Hey, thanks! I think
I flunked this language
in high school.
115
00:05:19,275 --> 00:05:20,363
-That's French.
-French?
116
00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:22,104
Oh, this ought
to be great
117
00:05:22,147 --> 00:05:23,410
if it's anything
like their toast.
118
00:05:23,453 --> 00:05:25,629
I got it at our P.X.
About three dollars.
119
00:05:25,673 --> 00:05:28,066
The British always keep
the best spirits in stock.
120
00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:29,111
They think
if they keep us drunk,
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we won't notice the food.
122
00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:31,853
Colin,
I'm gonna treasure this
123
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from now until I open it.
124
00:05:33,463 --> 00:05:35,465
Let's keep in touch, eh?
Maybe we can be of service.
125
00:05:35,509 --> 00:05:37,249
You bet.
You never can tell
126
00:05:37,293 --> 00:05:38,338
when we're gonna need
a hockey puck.
127
00:05:40,514 --> 00:05:42,472
Drive careful.
128
00:05:42,516 --> 00:05:44,213
And if the enemy
gets too close,
129
00:05:44,256 --> 00:05:45,562
throw the fruit cocktail
at them.
130
00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:47,738
The hell with the
Geneva Convention.
131
00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:53,788
I see you, Klinger.
132
00:05:53,831 --> 00:05:55,398
No, you don't.
It's just a mirage.
133
00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:58,096
Listen, you desert deadbeat,
I need my five bucks.
134
00:05:58,140 --> 00:06:00,229
I'm busted.
I'd be bankrupt
135
00:06:00,272 --> 00:06:02,013
except I can't
afford the lawyers.
136
00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:03,624
The only thing I have
to my name right now
137
00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:06,104
is this imported
Canadian wine.
138
00:06:06,148 --> 00:06:08,803
All the upper-class Eskimos
drink it. Worth ten bucks.
139
00:06:08,846 --> 00:06:10,631
That isn't Canadian wine.
It's French.
140
00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:12,415
Okay, five bucks.
141
00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:14,765
Probably the closest
I'll get to my five dollars.
142
00:06:14,809 --> 00:06:16,463
Well, I gotta get
out of the cold now.
143
00:06:16,506 --> 00:06:17,899
I've just been fleeced.
144
00:06:17,942 --> 00:06:21,555
♪♪ [humming]
145
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Oh, I'm available
if you need someone
to wine and dine.
146
00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:25,994
And I won't press you
on the dining.
147
00:06:26,037 --> 00:06:27,996
Finally, somebody throwing
themselves at my feet.
148
00:06:28,039 --> 00:06:30,215
Pretty soon I'll be staggering
at them. Where'd you get it?
149
00:06:30,259 --> 00:06:33,349
-Klinger.
-No doubt made from
the finest grape leaves.
150
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,351
With a great nose.
151
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,353
Why don't you open the bottle
and let it cough?
152
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,094
Ah, Charles, you're just
in time for the wine tasting.
153
00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:40,965
No, thank you.
154
00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:43,359
Perhaps later,
if I need something
to put on my salad.
155
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:47,276
Hello. What's this?
Hold that.
156
00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,844
You have a '47 Margaux.
157
00:06:49,887 --> 00:06:52,673
No, I have a '47 DeSoto.
I always buy American.
158
00:06:52,716 --> 00:06:54,762
No, no, this,
you chimney sweep.
159
00:06:54,805 --> 00:06:57,591
This is an individual
with a life all its own.
160
00:06:57,634 --> 00:06:59,027
Little chilly.
161
00:06:59,070 --> 00:07:00,855
Born of the loins
162
00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:03,335
and suckled at the bosom
of the Haut Medoc.
163
00:07:03,379 --> 00:07:05,425
Sounds like what went on in
the backseat of your DeSoto.
164
00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:06,904
Oh, thank you.
165
00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:08,340
Will you two stop prattling?
166
00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:10,342
This is a rare nectar.
167
00:07:10,386 --> 00:07:12,344
People would give
their lives for this.
168
00:07:12,388 --> 00:07:14,346
I'll give you $20.
169
00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:16,348
$20 for that stuff?
170
00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:19,351
[laughs]
All right, 25.
171
00:07:19,395 --> 00:07:23,921
Please. I wouldn't trade
this for love or money.
172
00:07:23,965 --> 00:07:25,923
Well, definitely
not for money.
173
00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:28,448
Then where, pray tell,
did you get this ambrosia?
174
00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:29,449
From what cunning
connoisseur?
175
00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:31,276
Klinger.
176
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,105
[stammers]
Max? Klinger?
177
00:07:34,149 --> 00:07:35,803
Same man who eats peas
with a knife
178
00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:37,631
and sucks in his spaghetti?
179
00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:39,371
-That's right.
-The old spaghetti
sucker himself.
180
00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:43,288
Oh, my. Yes.
I must find him.
181
00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:45,334
Oh, Max?
182
00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:47,075
Come on, Hawk.
No time to waste.
183
00:07:47,118 --> 00:07:48,511
This stuff is already
four years old.
184
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,470
-Get yout hands off my wine.
-Hey, wait!
185
00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:51,862
I don't have to give
any of this to you.
186
00:07:51,906 --> 00:07:53,124
I sleep with you every night.
187
00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:55,692
Come on, read it out loud.
188
00:07:55,736 --> 00:07:57,477
I love the sound of
my own skulduggery.
189
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,479
"Savor a vintage evening
with Hawkeye Pierce.
190
00:07:59,522 --> 00:08:01,481
-Trade your boredom
for some Bordeaux."
-Huh?
191
00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:04,048
-"The epitome of
the vintner's art."
-Yeah.
192
00:08:04,092 --> 00:08:05,441
"In 100 words or less,
193
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,965
tell why you should be
in a glass by yourself."
194
00:08:08,009 --> 00:08:09,532
[laughing]
A glass by yourself.
I love that.
195
00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:11,316
That's pretty good,
isn't it? Huh?
196
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:12,579
"Please sign a code name
197
00:08:12,622 --> 00:08:14,494
"so that your anonymity
may be preserved.
198
00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:17,235
-The decision of the judge
will be fine."
-Yeah.
199
00:08:17,279 --> 00:08:18,541
What if there's a tie?
200
00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:20,195
Duplicate Hawkeyes
will be awarded.
201
00:08:20,238 --> 00:08:21,544
Hawk, I never thought
202
00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:22,806
I'd use this word
in a negative manner,
203
00:08:22,850 --> 00:08:24,068
but you're depraved.
204
00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:25,635
Why not? I come from
the land of the free
205
00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:26,767
and the home of depraved.
206
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:28,116
No self-respecting nurse
207
00:08:28,159 --> 00:08:29,552
is gonna have anything
to do with that.
208
00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:30,771
That's what I'm counting on.
209
00:08:30,814 --> 00:08:33,338
You let him have it
for five dollars?
210
00:08:33,382 --> 00:08:35,340
Pretty good deal, huh?
211
00:08:35,384 --> 00:08:36,864
Klinger,
it is comforting to know
212
00:08:36,907 --> 00:08:39,301
that I have not overestimated
your under-intelligence.
213
00:08:39,344 --> 00:08:41,521
Thanks. I wasn't born
yesterday you know.
214
00:08:41,564 --> 00:08:43,348
You weren't born,
you were hatched.
215
00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:45,350
Come on, Major. I don't like
trouble when I'm naked.
216
00:08:45,394 --> 00:08:48,223
In the States, a bottle like
that would fetch $20.
217
00:08:48,266 --> 00:08:51,182
Did you say $20?
218
00:08:51,226 --> 00:08:52,880
Yes. And in this hellhole,
219
00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:55,535
I would have given you 30,
you lummox.
220
00:08:55,578 --> 00:08:58,363
Rats! I'm so stupid
I outsmarted myself.
221
00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:02,367
Yes, though God knows with what.
Well, that's all in the past.
222
00:09:02,411 --> 00:09:04,718
The question of import is,
can you import some more?
223
00:09:04,761 --> 00:09:06,763
Not on your life,
or in this case, mine.
224
00:09:06,807 --> 00:09:08,591
The territory I'd have to
go through isn't secure.
225
00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:10,114
I could get killed.
226
00:09:10,158 --> 00:09:12,247
A small price to pay
for a '47 Margaux.
227
00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:15,206
Thirty bucks doesn't buy
a stiff much these days.
228
00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:16,556
Well, should you
have occasion
229
00:09:16,599 --> 00:09:19,080
to venture
into the hostile territory,
230
00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:21,299
you have a standing order
for all the bottles
231
00:09:21,343 --> 00:09:24,172
on which you can lay
your hirsute hands.
232
00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:25,521
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
233
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,262
The Panmunjom peace talks
234
00:09:27,305 --> 00:09:28,829
are proceeding
at a leisurely pace,
235
00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:30,918
and we've got
incoming wounded.
236
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:32,876
Well, at least
I won't have to scrub.
237
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,530
That takes care of his liver.
238
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,271
I just hope I've saved
his bacon. Next!
239
00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:38,273
-Retraction, Margaret.
-Huh.
240
00:09:38,316 --> 00:09:40,928
I wish you'd retract
that disgusting solicitation
241
00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:42,538
you have
on that bulletin board.
242
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,584
-Did you find it disgusting?
-Yes.
243
00:09:44,627 --> 00:09:46,281
-And obscene?
-Yes!
244
00:09:46,324 --> 00:09:49,110
Oh, good. I was afraid
it was too subtle.
245
00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:52,200
You are a little boy with
the mind of a dirty old man.
246
00:09:52,243 --> 00:09:55,029
Thank you. I assume you won't
be entering the contest?
247
00:09:55,072 --> 00:09:57,466
You bet your sweet assumption
I won't.
248
00:09:57,509 --> 00:10:00,817
Think it over, Margaret.
By the way, you're welcome
to tamper with the judge.
249
00:10:00,861 --> 00:10:02,427
I'd sooner kiss a toad.
250
00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:04,429
Well, there are plenty
of other fish in the sea.
251
00:10:04,473 --> 00:10:06,649
Of course, for them
I should have white wine.
252
00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:08,520
Hi. We're gonna put you
to sleep now.
253
00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:09,913
When you wake up,
you'll be good as new,
254
00:10:09,957 --> 00:10:11,828
assuming you were good
when you were new.
255
00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:14,526
Hey, hey, easy. Kid, you're
gonna have to work with us.
256
00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:15,789
Take it easy, will ya?
257
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,529
Corpsman,
get on your horse.
258
00:10:17,573 --> 00:10:20,445
Damn, I wish we had curare
to relax these kids.
259
00:10:20,489 --> 00:10:22,491
They don't usually act this way
till after they see the bill.
260
00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:24,798
I can't get him any deeper
with just nitrous.
261
00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:26,451
That does it.
If we had some curare,
262
00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,889
these kids wouldn't be
bucking like broncos.
263
00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:32,109
Other countries'
troops are using that
black magic medicine.
264
00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:33,415
There's no reason
why we shouldn't.
265
00:10:33,458 --> 00:10:35,112
What about the army
regulations, Colonel?
266
00:10:35,156 --> 00:10:36,679
It's a stupid rule.
267
00:10:36,723 --> 00:10:39,595
Stupid rules are meant
to be broken. Suction.
268
00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:45,209
-[humming]
-All right, Klinger.
269
00:10:45,253 --> 00:10:46,820
Hook me up
to that Canadian clan.
270
00:10:46,863 --> 00:10:48,822
-Social call, sir?
-No, criminal.
271
00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:50,693
I want to see if we can
work out a swap
272
00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:52,826
with those Mountie medics
for some of their curare.
273
00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:56,003
Ah, an interleague trade.
Wheeling and dealing
is in my blood, sir.
274
00:10:56,046 --> 00:10:59,223
So then let's wheel
and deal some blood.
We got plenty of that.
275
00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:03,488
Throw in some penicillin
and a bedpan to be named later.
276
00:11:03,532 --> 00:11:05,665
Turnbull! Klinger here
at the 4077.
277
00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:07,667
Congratulations
on getting back alive.
278
00:11:07,710 --> 00:11:09,581
That road must have
really been rough.
279
00:11:09,625 --> 00:11:12,236
Get the commanding Canuck
on the horn.
280
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,456
I'll go all the way to
Nelson Eddy if I have to.
281
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:19,243
Right. Colin? My C.O.
wants to talk to your C.O.
282
00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:20,462
Thanks.
He's getting him, sir.
283
00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:22,464
If we can work out
a horse trade,
284
00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:23,987
I'll personally
go up and fetch it.
285
00:11:24,031 --> 00:11:25,772
-Why you, sir?
-Well, it's me
286
00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:27,687
who's taking the law
into his own hands,
287
00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:29,819
so it ought to be me
who's taking the ride.
288
00:11:29,863 --> 00:11:32,517
That's a trip fraught
with danger, sir.
289
00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:34,737
That's why I want you
to ride shotgun with me.
290
00:11:34,781 --> 00:11:38,698
Me? But, sir, can't they just
send it by registered tank?
291
00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:40,177
Not a chance.
292
00:11:40,221 --> 00:11:43,006
I want that serum
in my very own saddlebags,
293
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:44,573
and I want it pronto,
294
00:11:44,616 --> 00:11:45,835
and if anybody
starts shooting,
295
00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:47,619
I want your nose
to hide behind.
296
00:11:47,663 --> 00:11:49,012
Sir, I'm too young to die.
297
00:11:49,056 --> 00:11:50,840
I've never even
seen Cincinnati.
298
00:11:50,884 --> 00:11:55,584
Hello? Oh, good.
I'll put him on.
299
00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:57,064
It's Colonel LaFleur.
300
00:11:57,107 --> 00:11:58,761
[whispering] LaFleur.
301
00:11:58,805 --> 00:12:02,722
Hello, Colonel.
A jaunty "alloowetter" to ya.
302
00:12:02,765 --> 00:12:05,159
I have a por favorto ask.
303
00:12:05,202 --> 00:12:08,989
We need some curare up here,
and we need it tout de suite.
304
00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:10,860
As much as you can spare.
305
00:12:10,904 --> 00:12:13,036
And naturally,
we'll put some trinkets
306
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,169
on the trading block
in return.
307
00:12:15,212 --> 00:12:18,738
Oxygen? We've got so much,
we're using it like air.
308
00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:19,826
How much do you need?
309
00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:21,479
Do we have oxygen?
310
00:12:21,523 --> 00:12:23,046
I was just about
to get some for myself.
311
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:25,135
Right. Me and my garçon
will be up there
312
00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:26,789
at the crack of dawn.
Well, I guess--
313
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:28,138
Don't hang up, sir.
314
00:12:28,182 --> 00:12:29,618
I better talk to their
company clerk
315
00:12:29,661 --> 00:12:31,489
and make sure
there are no hitches.
316
00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:33,578
I'll put my clerk on
to your clerk
317
00:12:33,622 --> 00:12:35,667
and let 'em do
whatever it is they do.
318
00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:39,019
-Au revoir.
-Thank you, sir.
319
00:12:41,586 --> 00:12:42,892
Colin, old buddy,
320
00:12:42,936 --> 00:12:44,764
as long as I gotta
risk my neck anyway,
321
00:12:44,807 --> 00:12:47,592
you got any more
of that snooty French vino?
322
00:12:47,636 --> 00:12:50,030
Five bottles, huh?
323
00:12:50,073 --> 00:12:52,989
What do you say
you and I talk turkey?
324
00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:55,818
Okay, let's talk
fruit cocktail.
325
00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:57,428
So, O Great Girthed One,
326
00:12:57,472 --> 00:12:59,213
do you still want
that valuable wine?
327
00:12:59,256 --> 00:13:00,562
Do I still have a palate?
328
00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:02,564
I don't know.
I'm not about to peek.
329
00:13:02,607 --> 00:13:05,610
I can get you five bottles.
It'll run you 40 per.
330
00:13:05,654 --> 00:13:07,308
4--
My last offer was 30.
331
00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:09,484
Consider it
a cost-of-dying increase.
332
00:13:09,527 --> 00:13:11,660
I smell the distinct odor
of profiteering.
333
00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:13,836
Try a little more soap.
334
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:17,840
But I also smell the delicate
bouquet of a '47 Bordeaux.
335
00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:19,059
You're taking advantage
of me.
336
00:13:19,102 --> 00:13:20,582
You know I'm an oenophile.
337
00:13:20,625 --> 00:13:22,671
Hey, talk like that
in the shower makes me nervous.
338
00:13:22,714 --> 00:13:24,673
Now, do you want it
or don't you?
339
00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:27,328
Unfortunately, I am
at a disadvantaged position.
340
00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:29,852
You have me drinking out
of the palm of your hand.
341
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,466
Well, Beej, what do you
think this is?
342
00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:36,772
You've been drafted.
343
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:37,904
They're greetings,
all right,
344
00:13:37,947 --> 00:13:39,166
from three nurses
345
00:13:39,209 --> 00:13:41,603
with absolutely no trace
of self-respect,
346
00:13:41,646 --> 00:13:43,605
one of whom is within
striking distance
347
00:13:43,648 --> 00:13:45,737
of enjoying
a delicious Bordeaux.
348
00:13:45,781 --> 00:13:47,957
And a tasteless Pierce.
349
00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:50,612
Get your water ready.
This is liable to set
the tent on fire.
350
00:13:50,655 --> 00:13:52,832
"Dear Hawkeye,
351
00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:57,706
"I think your contest
is a wonderful idea.
352
00:13:57,749 --> 00:14:00,622
"I really love good wine,
353
00:14:00,665 --> 00:14:03,886
"and I think it would be fun
to share a few belts with you.
354
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:05,888
Signed, Chastity."
355
00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:08,108
That one came
with its own cold water.
356
00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:09,718
Send that
to the Dead Letter Office.
357
00:14:13,548 --> 00:14:15,419
"Dear Hawkeye,
358
00:14:15,463 --> 00:14:19,771
"Bordeaux is one
of my favorite wines,
359
00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:22,687
"along with Manischewitz.
360
00:14:22,731 --> 00:14:25,342
"During happier times,
my husband and I
361
00:14:25,386 --> 00:14:27,779
"used to share many a bottle
back in the States.
362
00:14:27,823 --> 00:14:29,346
"Drinking this with you
363
00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:30,739
"would bring back
fond memories.
364
00:14:30,782 --> 00:14:32,393
Signed, Very Married."
365
00:14:32,436 --> 00:14:34,177
All you'd get there
is a swig and a missus.
366
00:14:34,221 --> 00:14:37,354
What is this world coming to?
Everywhere I look, morality.
367
00:14:37,398 --> 00:14:39,356
Read on, rebuffed.
368
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,792
My heart is not
in this anymore.
369
00:14:42,577 --> 00:14:43,970
"Dear Hawkeye,
370
00:14:44,013 --> 00:14:48,757
I find you an incredibly
exciting, vibrant man."
371
00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:52,892
I just had a rush of blood
to my ego.
372
00:14:52,935 --> 00:14:56,721
"Your fabulous wine
would be the perfect
appetizer
373
00:14:56,765 --> 00:14:59,986
to a wonderfully intimate
main course."
374
00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:01,770
[laughs]
375
00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:03,641
"I must admit
376
00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:06,601
wine does make me
a little crazy,
377
00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:09,343
but I'm sure it's nothing
that you can't handle."
378
00:15:09,386 --> 00:15:11,780
Oh, this is a sick woman.
379
00:15:11,823 --> 00:15:14,783
"I hope you pick me,
Hawkeye.
380
00:15:14,826 --> 00:15:17,438
"I've always thought
you were all man.
381
00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:19,483
"Every time you look
in my eyes,
382
00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:22,225
"I turn to jelly.
383
00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:25,402
Signed, Sweet Preserves."
384
00:15:25,446 --> 00:15:27,970
To think that that nurse is
responsible for human lives.
385
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:30,625
Home run.
386
00:15:30,668 --> 00:15:32,148
I turn her to jelly.
387
00:15:32,192 --> 00:15:34,498
What do you think
is the look that jars her?
388
00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:38,372
Think it's my, uh,
my Rudolph Valentino?
389
00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:40,504
[laughs]
390
00:15:40,548 --> 00:15:43,203
Maybe it's
the boy next door.
391
00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:46,075
Try that next door.
392
00:15:46,119 --> 00:15:49,339
Sweet Preserves.
Who do you suppose
is Sweet Preserves?
393
00:15:49,383 --> 00:15:51,341
What better place to find out
who turns to jelly
394
00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:52,560
than the mess tent?
395
00:16:03,223 --> 00:16:04,659
Sorry. Wrong number.
396
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:12,319
[laughing]
397
00:16:18,890 --> 00:16:19,848
Uh-huh.
398
00:16:23,591 --> 00:16:25,027
Klinger,
what the hell is this?
399
00:16:25,071 --> 00:16:27,160
I thought your coquette
look was out.
400
00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:30,032
I refuse to be buried
in my uniform, sir.
401
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:31,947
Besides, even the most
calloused enemy
402
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,731
would think twice before
firing on a man and his wife
403
00:16:33,775 --> 00:16:35,168
on a country outing.
404
00:16:35,211 --> 00:16:37,431
Why is it women never know
how to travel light?
405
00:16:37,474 --> 00:16:39,955
Canned ham
and fruit cocktail?
406
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,652
In case we pass
a picnic table.
407
00:16:41,696 --> 00:16:43,306
Or a trading post.
408
00:16:48,964 --> 00:16:51,314
[clattering]
409
00:16:58,104 --> 00:17:01,150
♪ Love for sale
410
00:17:01,194 --> 00:17:06,068
♪ Appetizing young
love for sale ♪
411
00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:10,855
♪ Love that's sweet
and still unspoiled ♪
412
00:17:10,899 --> 00:17:13,206
♪ Love that
413
00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:15,077
Hmm.
414
00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:17,862
♪ Love for sale
415
00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:19,516
♪ Appetizing love ♪
416
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,649
Unhand those socks,
you hooligan!
417
00:17:21,692 --> 00:17:24,434
Oh, are these yours?
It's an honest mistake.
418
00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:27,916
I have a pair
the exact same color.
419
00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:29,439
-Pierce, you've washed.
-Yes.
420
00:17:29,483 --> 00:17:32,790
My, my.
Where has the week gone?
421
00:17:32,834 --> 00:17:35,315
[chuckles] I could make some
scathing replies, Charles,
422
00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:38,448
but I'm saving my energy
for an evening
of lip-to-lip combat
423
00:17:38,492 --> 00:17:40,755
with the mysterious
lady in green.
424
00:17:40,798 --> 00:17:44,498
Soon I'll be having my toast
with Sweet Preserves.
425
00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:47,892
Ah, another sordid soiree
in the storeroom.
426
00:17:47,936 --> 00:17:51,113
I prefer to think of it
as the summer cottage.
427
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:53,028
You're disgusting.
428
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:56,597
Ah, jealousy rears
its shiny head. [chuckles]
429
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,686
I have a bottle of wine,
430
00:17:58,729 --> 00:18:02,081
and you have a case
of sour grapes.
431
00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:04,996
Pierce, for you to err
is inevitable.
432
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:06,650
For your information,
433
00:18:06,694 --> 00:18:10,089
that fifth is but one-fifth
of my private reserve.
434
00:18:10,132 --> 00:18:12,656
Even now as we speak,
my swarthy sommelier,
435
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:17,096
is en route here with five
bottles of that very vintage.
436
00:18:17,139 --> 00:18:18,662
Five bottles?
437
00:18:19,837 --> 00:18:21,448
Oh.
438
00:18:21,491 --> 00:18:24,103
You could have your way
with the Dionne quintuplets.
439
00:18:24,146 --> 00:18:26,540
Well, we did some plenty
good horse trading.
440
00:18:26,583 --> 00:18:28,846
You got your grape juice,
and I got my dart dip.
441
00:18:28,890 --> 00:18:30,805
Right. We both got
our paralyzers.
442
00:18:30,848 --> 00:18:34,156
Now all we have to do
is get our fanny-dangos
home alive.
443
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,550
Thrash that throttle,
Maxine.
444
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:38,552
I'm doing the best
I can, sir.
445
00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:40,554
It's not easy
to double-clutch
in high heels.
446
00:18:40,597 --> 00:18:43,165
-[hissing]
-What's that hissing sound?
447
00:18:43,209 --> 00:18:46,168
Oh, that must
be the wind whistling
through my crinolines.
448
00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:49,171
Bushwa. The radiator's
on the fritz.
449
00:18:49,215 --> 00:18:52,348
Why in tarnation didn't you
keep an eye on the gauge?
450
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:54,133
Didn't have a spare, sir.
451
00:18:54,176 --> 00:18:56,178
I got one eye on the road,
and the other out for snipers.
452
00:18:56,222 --> 00:18:59,050
Well, we better pull
in the reins and dismount.
453
00:18:59,094 --> 00:19:01,270
Please, sir, this is
no place for a pit stop.
454
00:19:01,314 --> 00:19:02,271
Now that I've got
something to live for,
455
00:19:02,315 --> 00:19:03,664
I want to live for it.
456
00:19:03,707 --> 00:19:05,622
It's either pull over
or boil over.
457
00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:07,668
And don't forget,
I'm packing a six-gun.
458
00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:10,366
Aha. We're in luck, sir.
A parking space.
459
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:11,802
Now get out
and hoist that hood.
460
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:14,718
Me? Aw, sir, this dress
is from Bonwit.
461
00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:16,372
In an emergency,
462
00:19:16,416 --> 00:19:19,419
it's women and children
first, so get out.
463
00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:20,811
[explosion in distance]
464
00:19:20,855 --> 00:19:22,900
Does this mean
the honeymoon is over?
465
00:19:22,944 --> 00:19:27,862
Just look under the hood.
I'll look over the terrain.
466
00:19:27,905 --> 00:19:29,690
[hissing]
467
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:35,957
Doesn't seem too bad, sir.
468
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,567
If we fill 'er up right away,
we should make it.
469
00:19:37,611 --> 00:19:39,003
I sure hope so.
470
00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:41,789
Boy, give me a horse any
time over one of these.
471
00:19:41,832 --> 00:19:44,792
A stallion springs a leak,
all you gotta worry about
472
00:19:44,835 --> 00:19:46,707
is a few moments'
embarrassment
473
00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:49,013
on the parade ground.
474
00:19:49,057 --> 00:19:52,887
We don't need a horse, sir.
We need a camel.
475
00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:54,062
You mean you were so busy
476
00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:55,846
with your trading
and trousseau,
477
00:19:55,890 --> 00:19:58,675
you forgot to put H2O
in the canteen?
478
00:19:58,719 --> 00:20:01,504
Sir, it's all water
under the bridge now.
479
00:20:01,548 --> 00:20:04,072
Well, then we're just gonna
have to improvise, aren't we?
480
00:20:04,115 --> 00:20:07,597
This wagon is going
off the wagon.
481
00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:09,382
Sir, you can't be
suggesting the wine?
482
00:20:09,425 --> 00:20:12,298
No. I'm ordering the wine.
483
00:20:12,341 --> 00:20:14,778
Sir, we're not having
dinner for hours.
484
00:20:14,822 --> 00:20:17,346
Five bottles now.
And I don't need
to smell the cork.
485
00:20:17,390 --> 00:20:20,697
-I can't do it, sir.
I just can't.
-[explosion nearby]
486
00:20:20,741 --> 00:20:23,874
Now, what's more important,
the vino or your life?
487
00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:26,137
-[explosion]
-Klinger!
488
00:20:26,181 --> 00:20:28,357
Don't worry, sir.
They're not close
enough to kill us.
489
00:20:28,401 --> 00:20:29,358
But I am.
490
00:20:31,012 --> 00:20:32,970
Uh, well,
I'd love to help, sir,
491
00:20:33,014 --> 00:20:35,669
but shame of shames,
I forgot to pack a corkscrew.
492
00:20:37,323 --> 00:20:40,804
Ha, ha! Leave it to the wise
colonel to remember one.
493
00:20:46,854 --> 00:20:50,727
Let this mechanized mule
drink to our good health.
494
00:20:50,771 --> 00:20:52,947
♪♪ ["Some Enchanted Evening"]
495
00:20:52,990 --> 00:20:54,775
[humming]
496
00:21:11,444 --> 00:21:13,924
[knocking]
497
00:21:17,972 --> 00:21:20,279
Who goes there,
friend or lover?
498
00:21:20,322 --> 00:21:23,412
WOMAN: I have an order
of Sweet Preserves
for Dr. Pierce.
499
00:21:23,456 --> 00:21:27,764
[laughs]
The doctor will see you
immediately.
500
00:21:27,808 --> 00:21:30,767
Lieutenant Palmer,
it's you?
501
00:21:30,811 --> 00:21:31,986
That's wonderful.
502
00:21:32,029 --> 00:21:33,901
My naughtiest dream's
come true.
503
00:21:33,944 --> 00:21:35,859
Mine too.
504
00:21:35,903 --> 00:21:37,992
I never thought
this moment would happen,
505
00:21:38,035 --> 00:21:39,602
that I'd be lucky enough
506
00:21:39,646 --> 00:21:41,909
to spend the evening
with Hawkeye Pierce.
507
00:21:41,952 --> 00:21:43,214
I'm the lucky one.
508
00:21:43,258 --> 00:21:45,521
Must be this rabbit's foot
I have.
509
00:21:45,565 --> 00:21:47,523
That's why I wear
these corrective shoes.
510
00:21:47,567 --> 00:21:50,961
-[laughs] You're
as funny as you are sexy.
-Aw.
511
00:21:51,005 --> 00:21:53,355
-Hey.
-Yeah?
512
00:21:53,399 --> 00:21:56,663
Could you give me
one of those special looks?
513
00:21:56,706 --> 00:21:58,534
Well, only if you promise
to control yourself.
514
00:21:58,578 --> 00:22:01,494
Oh. I don't know if I can.
515
00:22:01,537 --> 00:22:05,280
Well, then we'll just
have to take our chances.
516
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,500
-[moans]
-Pure jelly, huh?
517
00:22:07,543 --> 00:22:09,502
-Oh, Hawkeye?
-Yeah?
518
00:22:09,545 --> 00:22:11,504
-When you look
at me like that--
-Mmm?
519
00:22:11,547 --> 00:22:13,506
I feel just like
a giddy schoolgirl.
520
00:22:13,549 --> 00:22:16,857
Giddiness? Oh, well, I have
the prescription for that.
521
00:22:16,900 --> 00:22:18,946
Two glasses of wine
and nudge me in the morning.
522
00:22:18,989 --> 00:22:20,948
-Uh, Hawkeye?
-Yeah?
523
00:22:20,991 --> 00:22:23,124
-Before you pour the wine--
-Yeah?
524
00:22:23,167 --> 00:22:25,300
There's something
that's bothered me.
525
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:27,433
Bothered? Wait'll we get
to bewitched and bewildered.
526
00:22:27,476 --> 00:22:29,435
No, no, Hawkeye, really.
527
00:22:29,478 --> 00:22:33,352
It's just that I don't know
if I'm woman enough for you.
528
00:22:33,395 --> 00:22:36,093
-[laughing]
-[whistles]
529
00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:38,966
-[chattering, laughing]
-Ladies.
530
00:22:39,009 --> 00:22:41,185
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What is this?
531
00:22:41,229 --> 00:22:44,363
Suddenly our little party
is losing its intimacy.
532
00:22:44,406 --> 00:22:46,190
This is such
a wonderful moment,
533
00:22:46,234 --> 00:22:48,105
I just wanted to share it
with some of my friends.
534
00:22:48,149 --> 00:22:50,891
Yeah, but two's company,
30 is a crowd.
535
00:22:50,934 --> 00:22:52,327
Oh, there's no way
536
00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:54,503
we would miss your
wine and sleaze party.
537
00:22:54,547 --> 00:22:56,157
Palmer, you're terrific.
538
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,942
Thank you, Major,
and thank you, Hawkeye.
539
00:22:58,986 --> 00:23:00,944
Believe me, it was nothing.
540
00:23:00,988 --> 00:23:03,338
Come on, give me one of those
famous looks, Hawkeye.
541
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:06,167
Looks like the lovebird's
eating crow.
542
00:23:06,210 --> 00:23:09,344
Did you really think
you could buy us with
your expensive wine?
543
00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:11,390
Well, it looks like
the drinks are on me,
544
00:23:11,433 --> 00:23:14,393
-not to mention the joke.
-[laughs]
545
00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:17,961
Oh, not at all.
Your wildest fantasy
has just come true.
546
00:23:18,005 --> 00:23:20,877
You've just been had
by the whole nursing staff.
547
00:23:23,445 --> 00:23:25,142
Here's laughing at you.
548
00:23:28,189 --> 00:23:29,930
Dry, very dry.
549
00:23:37,285 --> 00:23:40,244
Sure is the cat's P.J.s
having our curare back.
550
00:23:40,288 --> 00:23:42,464
The patients are more relaxed,
and so are we.
551
00:23:42,508 --> 00:23:45,249
Tell you what, Major.
I can drain the wine
out of the radiator
552
00:23:45,293 --> 00:23:47,295
and let you have
the whole batch for 15 bucks,
553
00:23:47,338 --> 00:23:48,731
parts and labor included.
554
00:23:48,775 --> 00:23:51,255
Thanks, but no thanks,
Klinger.
555
00:23:51,299 --> 00:23:54,389
I am not an aficionado
of "Chateau le Jeep."
556
00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:56,217
Come on, lover boy.
557
00:23:56,260 --> 00:23:58,567
Were the preserves as sweet
as you thought they'd be?
558
00:23:58,611 --> 00:24:00,526
Yes, why so quiet,
Doctor?
559
00:24:00,569 --> 00:24:03,267
Was she possibly more woman
than one man could handle?
560
00:24:03,311 --> 00:24:05,661
Are you kidding?
You see one nurse,
you've seen them all.
561
00:24:05,705 --> 00:24:06,880
♪♪ [theme]
562
00:24:19,066 --> 00:24:21,329
♪♪ [theme]
43110
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