All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S09E09 - Taking the Fifth (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,218 --> 00:00:04,091 ♪♪ [theme] 2 00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:57,579 [Hawkeye yawns] 3 00:00:57,622 --> 00:00:59,059 HAWKEYE: We've been here forever. 4 00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:00,930 How many more have we got dying to get in? 5 00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:02,627 MULCAHY: We're almost through. Only four left. 6 00:01:02,671 --> 00:01:05,152 If time heals all wounds, they should be okay by now. 7 00:01:05,195 --> 00:01:07,154 If we get out of here before we lose our looks, 8 00:01:07,197 --> 00:01:08,503 we could meet in the storage room 9 00:01:08,546 --> 00:01:09,852 and take inventory of each other. 10 00:01:09,895 --> 00:01:11,419 Wear your rubber gloves. 11 00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:12,855 I love watching you take them off. 12 00:01:12,898 --> 00:01:14,683 No, thanks, Hawkeye. 13 00:01:14,726 --> 00:01:16,076 Hey, you can't blame a guy 14 00:01:16,119 --> 00:01:17,555 for trying to get into your gloves. 15 00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,688 No gloves, no storage room, no date. 16 00:01:19,731 --> 00:01:21,690 I'm not gonna spend another night to remember 17 00:01:21,733 --> 00:01:24,432 with moldy crackers, sloe gin, and fast talk. 18 00:01:24,475 --> 00:01:27,783 CHARLES: Good heavens! Six hours for eight patients. 19 00:01:27,826 --> 00:01:30,612 Ever since the army forbade our use of curare, 20 00:01:30,655 --> 00:01:32,831 the pace around here would put a snail to sleep. 21 00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:34,311 We've gone from forbade to worse. 22 00:01:34,355 --> 00:01:37,314 I've noticed the work goes a lot faster with curare. 23 00:01:37,358 --> 00:01:39,273 Colonel, why is that? 24 00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:42,624 Because anesthetics like nitrous oxide can go just so far. 25 00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:43,973 They put the brain to sleep, 26 00:01:44,016 --> 00:01:45,801 but the muscles are still awake. 27 00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:47,977 It's much quicker opening and closing a patient 28 00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:51,720 when his innards aren't doing loop-de-loops around your scalpel. 29 00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:56,812 I see. Well, then, why did the army forbid its use? 30 00:01:56,855 --> 00:01:58,466 They decided that too many people were dying 31 00:01:58,509 --> 00:02:01,164 because curare wasn't being used properly. 32 00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:03,340 By that same logic, they should outlaw cars. 33 00:02:03,384 --> 00:02:06,735 What enrages me is that in trained hands such as ours, 34 00:02:06,778 --> 00:02:08,432 the drug poses no problem. 35 00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:10,434 A few rotten apples have put us over the barrel. 36 00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:12,088 What starches my socks 37 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:14,308 is that only Uncle Sam's got the spirit of '86. 38 00:02:14,351 --> 00:02:16,266 All the other countries think it's a wonder drug. 39 00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:18,312 Makes you wonder, doesn't it? 40 00:02:18,355 --> 00:02:20,357 Hey, I have a totally original idea. You'll love this. 41 00:02:20,401 --> 00:02:22,359 -We'll go to the motor pool-- -Let me guess. 42 00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:24,231 We'll make popcorn, sit in a jeep, 43 00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:25,623 and pretend it's a drive-in movie. 44 00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:27,538 [yawning] Thanks, but no thanks. 45 00:02:27,582 --> 00:02:29,192 You couldn't be further from the truth. 46 00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:30,672 For your information, I was gonna bring pretzels. 47 00:02:30,715 --> 00:02:31,629 Ah. 48 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,154 [horn honking] 49 00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:44,990 Hold it down. We can't hear the war. 50 00:02:45,034 --> 00:02:47,471 Do I detect a Canadian accent in that horn? 51 00:02:48,864 --> 00:02:49,952 Right you are. 52 00:02:51,997 --> 00:02:54,696 And I'll bet that you are Corporal Max Klinger, eh? 53 00:02:54,739 --> 00:02:56,480 With any luck, soon to be promoted 54 00:02:56,524 --> 00:02:58,003 to civilian Max Klinger. 55 00:02:58,047 --> 00:02:59,135 How did you know? 56 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,311 The Montreal Royals 57 00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:02,965 could whip the Toledo Mud Hens 58 00:03:03,008 --> 00:03:04,445 with their bats tied behind their backs. 59 00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:06,534 Wait a minute. I know that voice. 60 00:03:06,577 --> 00:03:08,666 You're the company clerk at that Canadian unit. 61 00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:10,233 Right. Colin Turnbull, 62 00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:12,017 Second Princess Pat Battalion, at your service. 63 00:03:12,061 --> 00:03:13,802 What brings you here to Chez Misery? 64 00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:16,326 I was taking some supplies back to my unit, 65 00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:18,502 and I got detoured by the enemy artillery, 66 00:03:18,546 --> 00:03:19,764 so I decided to stop in, 67 00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,026 meet you, and maybe grab a bite. 68 00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:23,115 You picked the best diner on the detour. 69 00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:25,509 All the truck drivers throw up here. 70 00:03:25,553 --> 00:03:28,251 So, uh, this is the 4077, eh? 71 00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:30,384 Yeah. Place is like a blind date. 72 00:03:30,427 --> 00:03:33,300 Sounds better on the phone than it looks in person. 73 00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:35,258 I could pick you up around 8:00... 74 00:03:35,302 --> 00:03:37,042 We could go to Rosie's bar for a beer, you know-- 75 00:03:37,086 --> 00:03:38,348 Forget it, Hawkeye. 76 00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:39,697 Don't you know you should never 77 00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,308 end a proposition with a sentence? 78 00:03:41,351 --> 00:03:42,787 Excuse my grammar. 79 00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:44,311 Go ahead and finish, then I'll turn you down. 80 00:03:44,354 --> 00:03:46,313 No. Forget it. I got a better idea. 81 00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:49,229 We'll meet in the shower tent. Two bodies, one bar of soap. 82 00:03:49,272 --> 00:03:51,666 Better find somebody else to sponge off of. 83 00:03:51,709 --> 00:03:54,321 What happened? Has my aftershave curdled? 84 00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:56,497 I've been there before, Hawkeye. 85 00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:58,847 I mean, Gone With the Wind is a great movie, 86 00:03:58,890 --> 00:04:01,371 but after you've seen them burn Atlanta 50 times, 87 00:04:01,415 --> 00:04:03,112 it's not so hot anymore. 88 00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:07,421 So much for that old flame. 89 00:04:07,464 --> 00:04:09,553 Wow. Real powdered eggs, eh? 90 00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:12,730 -And this porridge looks first-rate. -Head wound? 91 00:04:12,774 --> 00:04:14,776 Canadian. 92 00:04:14,819 --> 00:04:17,735 Wow, this stuff is really great. You eat like this every day? 93 00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:20,651 I wouldn't take so much. Your eyes may be bigger than our garbage can. 94 00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:23,393 Are you kidding? You should see what we have to eat at the British Mess Tent. 95 00:04:23,437 --> 00:04:25,395 [scoffs] Couldn't be worse than this. 96 00:04:25,439 --> 00:04:27,397 It's about the worst I've ever eaten. 97 00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:29,660 -You know why the English have such stiff upper lips? -Nah. 98 00:04:29,704 --> 00:04:31,662 It's the only way they can keep their lunch down. 99 00:04:34,186 --> 00:04:35,666 Hold it. Let's sit over there. 100 00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:37,102 I owe that guy five bucks. 101 00:04:42,238 --> 00:04:44,849 Imagine, a face like mine and he won't take my check. 102 00:04:44,893 --> 00:04:47,983 Mm. Lucky for me I stopped by today, eh? 103 00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:50,202 Me too. Leaves less for the rest of us. 104 00:04:50,246 --> 00:04:53,118 Mmm! This fruit cocktail's the best I've ever eaten. 105 00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:56,600 What's sauce for the goose is slop for the gander. 106 00:04:56,644 --> 00:04:58,646 Turnbull, hold it! 107 00:04:58,689 --> 00:05:00,691 Don't tell me. You didn't. 108 00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:02,693 Yeah. Fruit cocktail, packed in its own natural muck. 109 00:05:02,737 --> 00:05:05,392 I had Igor shovel some of it in a doggie barrel for you. 110 00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:07,524 -Well, thanks, Max. Thanks. -Thanks aren't necessary. 111 00:05:07,568 --> 00:05:09,570 Just remember me in your will. 112 00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:11,572 And if you're smart, you'll write it up before you eat. 113 00:05:11,615 --> 00:05:16,141 [chuckling] My friend, I want you to have this bottle of wine. 114 00:05:16,185 --> 00:05:19,231 Hey, thanks! I think I flunked this language in high school. 115 00:05:19,275 --> 00:05:20,363 -That's French. -French? 116 00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:22,104 Oh, this ought to be great 117 00:05:22,147 --> 00:05:23,410 if it's anything like their toast. 118 00:05:23,453 --> 00:05:25,629 I got it at our P.X. About three dollars. 119 00:05:25,673 --> 00:05:28,066 The British always keep the best spirits in stock. 120 00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:29,111 They think if they keep us drunk, 121 00:05:29,154 --> 00:05:30,373 we won't notice the food. 122 00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:31,853 Colin, I'm gonna treasure this 123 00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:33,420 from now until I open it. 124 00:05:33,463 --> 00:05:35,465 Let's keep in touch, eh? Maybe we can be of service. 125 00:05:35,509 --> 00:05:37,249 You bet. You never can tell 126 00:05:37,293 --> 00:05:38,338 when we're gonna need a hockey puck. 127 00:05:40,514 --> 00:05:42,472 Drive careful. 128 00:05:42,516 --> 00:05:44,213 And if the enemy gets too close, 129 00:05:44,256 --> 00:05:45,562 throw the fruit cocktail at them. 130 00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:47,738 The hell with the Geneva Convention. 131 00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:53,788 I see you, Klinger. 132 00:05:53,831 --> 00:05:55,398 No, you don't. It's just a mirage. 133 00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:58,096 Listen, you desert deadbeat, I need my five bucks. 134 00:05:58,140 --> 00:06:00,229 I'm busted. I'd be bankrupt 135 00:06:00,272 --> 00:06:02,013 except I can't afford the lawyers. 136 00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:03,624 The only thing I have to my name right now 137 00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:06,104 is this imported Canadian wine. 138 00:06:06,148 --> 00:06:08,803 All the upper-class Eskimos drink it. Worth ten bucks. 139 00:06:08,846 --> 00:06:10,631 That isn't Canadian wine. It's French. 140 00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:12,415 Okay, five bucks. 141 00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:14,765 Probably the closest I'll get to my five dollars. 142 00:06:14,809 --> 00:06:16,463 Well, I gotta get out of the cold now. 143 00:06:16,506 --> 00:06:17,899 I've just been fleeced. 144 00:06:17,942 --> 00:06:21,555 ♪♪ [humming] 145 00:06:21,598 --> 00:06:23,992 Oh, I'm available if you need someone to wine and dine. 146 00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:25,994 And I won't press you on the dining. 147 00:06:26,037 --> 00:06:27,996 Finally, somebody throwing themselves at my feet. 148 00:06:28,039 --> 00:06:30,215 Pretty soon I'll be staggering at them. Where'd you get it? 149 00:06:30,259 --> 00:06:33,349 -Klinger. -No doubt made from the finest grape leaves. 150 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,351 With a great nose. 151 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,353 Why don't you open the bottle and let it cough? 152 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,094 Ah, Charles, you're just in time for the wine tasting. 153 00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:40,965 No, thank you. 154 00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:43,359 Perhaps later, if I need something to put on my salad. 155 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:47,276 Hello. What's this? Hold that. 156 00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,844 You have a '47 Margaux. 157 00:06:49,887 --> 00:06:52,673 No, I have a '47 DeSoto. I always buy American. 158 00:06:52,716 --> 00:06:54,762 No, no, this, you chimney sweep. 159 00:06:54,805 --> 00:06:57,591 This is an individual with a life all its own. 160 00:06:57,634 --> 00:06:59,027 Little chilly. 161 00:06:59,070 --> 00:07:00,855 Born of the loins 162 00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:03,335 and suckled at the bosom of the Haut Medoc. 163 00:07:03,379 --> 00:07:05,425 Sounds like what went on in the backseat of your DeSoto. 164 00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:06,904 Oh, thank you. 165 00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:08,340 Will you two stop prattling? 166 00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:10,342 This is a rare nectar. 167 00:07:10,386 --> 00:07:12,344 People would give their lives for this. 168 00:07:12,388 --> 00:07:14,346 I'll give you $20. 169 00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:16,348 $20 for that stuff? 170 00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:19,351 [laughs] All right, 25. 171 00:07:19,395 --> 00:07:23,921 Please. I wouldn't trade this for love or money. 172 00:07:23,965 --> 00:07:25,923 Well, definitely not for money. 173 00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:28,448 Then where, pray tell, did you get this ambrosia? 174 00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:29,449 From what cunning connoisseur? 175 00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:31,276 Klinger. 176 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,105 [stammers] Max? Klinger? 177 00:07:34,149 --> 00:07:35,803 Same man who eats peas with a knife 178 00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:37,631 and sucks in his spaghetti? 179 00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:39,371 -That's right. -The old spaghetti sucker himself. 180 00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:43,288 Oh, my. Yes. I must find him. 181 00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:45,334 Oh, Max? 182 00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:47,075 Come on, Hawk. No time to waste. 183 00:07:47,118 --> 00:07:48,511 This stuff is already four years old. 184 00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,470 -Get yout hands off my wine. -Hey, wait! 185 00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:51,862 I don't have to give any of this to you. 186 00:07:51,906 --> 00:07:53,124 I sleep with you every night. 187 00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:55,692 Come on, read it out loud. 188 00:07:55,736 --> 00:07:57,477 I love the sound of my own skulduggery. 189 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,479 "Savor a vintage evening with Hawkeye Pierce. 190 00:07:59,522 --> 00:08:01,481 -Trade your boredom for some Bordeaux." -Huh? 191 00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:04,048 -"The epitome of the vintner's art." -Yeah. 192 00:08:04,092 --> 00:08:05,441 "In 100 words or less, 193 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,965 tell why you should be in a glass by yourself." 194 00:08:08,009 --> 00:08:09,532 [laughing] A glass by yourself. I love that. 195 00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:11,316 That's pretty good, isn't it? Huh? 196 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:12,579 "Please sign a code name 197 00:08:12,622 --> 00:08:14,494 "so that your anonymity may be preserved. 198 00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:17,235 -The decision of the judge will be fine." -Yeah. 199 00:08:17,279 --> 00:08:18,541 What if there's a tie? 200 00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:20,195 Duplicate Hawkeyes will be awarded. 201 00:08:20,238 --> 00:08:21,544 Hawk, I never thought 202 00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:22,806 I'd use this word in a negative manner, 203 00:08:22,850 --> 00:08:24,068 but you're depraved. 204 00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:25,635 Why not? I come from the land of the free 205 00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:26,767 and the home of depraved. 206 00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:28,116 No self-respecting nurse 207 00:08:28,159 --> 00:08:29,552 is gonna have anything to do with that. 208 00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:30,771 That's what I'm counting on. 209 00:08:30,814 --> 00:08:33,338 You let him have it for five dollars? 210 00:08:33,382 --> 00:08:35,340 Pretty good deal, huh? 211 00:08:35,384 --> 00:08:36,864 Klinger, it is comforting to know 212 00:08:36,907 --> 00:08:39,301 that I have not overestimated your under-intelligence. 213 00:08:39,344 --> 00:08:41,521 Thanks. I wasn't born yesterday you know. 214 00:08:41,564 --> 00:08:43,348 You weren't born, you were hatched. 215 00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:45,350 Come on, Major. I don't like trouble when I'm naked. 216 00:08:45,394 --> 00:08:48,223 In the States, a bottle like that would fetch $20. 217 00:08:48,266 --> 00:08:51,182 Did you say $20? 218 00:08:51,226 --> 00:08:52,880 Yes. And in this hellhole, 219 00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:55,535 I would have given you 30, you lummox. 220 00:08:55,578 --> 00:08:58,363 Rats! I'm so stupid I outsmarted myself. 221 00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:02,367 Yes, though God knows with what. Well, that's all in the past. 222 00:09:02,411 --> 00:09:04,718 The question of import is, can you import some more? 223 00:09:04,761 --> 00:09:06,763 Not on your life, or in this case, mine. 224 00:09:06,807 --> 00:09:08,591 The territory I'd have to go through isn't secure. 225 00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:10,114 I could get killed. 226 00:09:10,158 --> 00:09:12,247 A small price to pay for a '47 Margaux. 227 00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:15,206 Thirty bucks doesn't buy a stiff much these days. 228 00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:16,556 Well, should you have occasion 229 00:09:16,599 --> 00:09:19,080 to venture into the hostile territory, 230 00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:21,299 you have a standing order for all the bottles 231 00:09:21,343 --> 00:09:24,172 on which you can lay your hirsute hands. 232 00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:25,521 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel. 233 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,262 The Panmunjom peace talks 234 00:09:27,305 --> 00:09:28,829 are proceeding at a leisurely pace, 235 00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:30,918 and we've got incoming wounded. 236 00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:32,876 Well, at least I won't have to scrub. 237 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,530 That takes care of his liver. 238 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,271 I just hope I've saved his bacon. Next! 239 00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:38,273 -Retraction, Margaret. -Huh. 240 00:09:38,316 --> 00:09:40,928 I wish you'd retract that disgusting solicitation 241 00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:42,538 you have on that bulletin board. 242 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,584 -Did you find it disgusting? -Yes. 243 00:09:44,627 --> 00:09:46,281 -And obscene? -Yes! 244 00:09:46,324 --> 00:09:49,110 Oh, good. I was afraid it was too subtle. 245 00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:52,200 You are a little boy with the mind of a dirty old man. 246 00:09:52,243 --> 00:09:55,029 Thank you. I assume you won't be entering the contest? 247 00:09:55,072 --> 00:09:57,466 You bet your sweet assumption I won't. 248 00:09:57,509 --> 00:10:00,817 Think it over, Margaret. By the way, you're welcome to tamper with the judge. 249 00:10:00,861 --> 00:10:02,427 I'd sooner kiss a toad. 250 00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:04,429 Well, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. 251 00:10:04,473 --> 00:10:06,649 Of course, for them I should have white wine. 252 00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:08,520 Hi. We're gonna put you to sleep now. 253 00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:09,913 When you wake up, you'll be good as new, 254 00:10:09,957 --> 00:10:11,828 assuming you were good when you were new. 255 00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:14,526 Hey, hey, easy. Kid, you're gonna have to work with us. 256 00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:15,789 Take it easy, will ya? 257 00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,529 Corpsman, get on your horse. 258 00:10:17,573 --> 00:10:20,445 Damn, I wish we had curare to relax these kids. 259 00:10:20,489 --> 00:10:22,491 They don't usually act this way till after they see the bill. 260 00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:24,798 I can't get him any deeper with just nitrous. 261 00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:26,451 That does it. If we had some curare, 262 00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,889 these kids wouldn't be bucking like broncos. 263 00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:32,109 Other countries' troops are using that black magic medicine. 264 00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:33,415 There's no reason why we shouldn't. 265 00:10:33,458 --> 00:10:35,112 What about the army regulations, Colonel? 266 00:10:35,156 --> 00:10:36,679 It's a stupid rule. 267 00:10:36,723 --> 00:10:39,595 Stupid rules are meant to be broken. Suction. 268 00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:45,209 -[humming] -All right, Klinger. 269 00:10:45,253 --> 00:10:46,820 Hook me up to that Canadian clan. 270 00:10:46,863 --> 00:10:48,822 -Social call, sir? -No, criminal. 271 00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:50,693 I want to see if we can work out a swap 272 00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:52,826 with those Mountie medics for some of their curare. 273 00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:56,003 Ah, an interleague trade. Wheeling and dealing is in my blood, sir. 274 00:10:56,046 --> 00:10:59,223 So then let's wheel and deal some blood. We got plenty of that. 275 00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:03,488 Throw in some penicillin and a bedpan to be named later. 276 00:11:03,532 --> 00:11:05,665 Turnbull! Klinger here at the 4077. 277 00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:07,667 Congratulations on getting back alive. 278 00:11:07,710 --> 00:11:09,581 That road must have really been rough. 279 00:11:09,625 --> 00:11:12,236 Get the commanding Canuck on the horn. 280 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,456 I'll go all the way to Nelson Eddy if I have to. 281 00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:19,243 Right. Colin? My C.O. wants to talk to your C.O. 282 00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:20,462 Thanks. He's getting him, sir. 283 00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:22,464 If we can work out a horse trade, 284 00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:23,987 I'll personally go up and fetch it. 285 00:11:24,031 --> 00:11:25,772 -Why you, sir? -Well, it's me 286 00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:27,687 who's taking the law into his own hands, 287 00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:29,819 so it ought to be me who's taking the ride. 288 00:11:29,863 --> 00:11:32,517 That's a trip fraught with danger, sir. 289 00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:34,737 That's why I want you to ride shotgun with me. 290 00:11:34,781 --> 00:11:38,698 Me? But, sir, can't they just send it by registered tank? 291 00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:40,177 Not a chance. 292 00:11:40,221 --> 00:11:43,006 I want that serum in my very own saddlebags, 293 00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:44,573 and I want it pronto, 294 00:11:44,616 --> 00:11:45,835 and if anybody starts shooting, 295 00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:47,619 I want your nose to hide behind. 296 00:11:47,663 --> 00:11:49,012 Sir, I'm too young to die. 297 00:11:49,056 --> 00:11:50,840 I've never even seen Cincinnati. 298 00:11:50,884 --> 00:11:55,584 Hello? Oh, good. I'll put him on. 299 00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:57,064 It's Colonel LaFleur. 300 00:11:57,107 --> 00:11:58,761 [whispering] LaFleur. 301 00:11:58,805 --> 00:12:02,722 Hello, Colonel. A jaunty "alloowetter" to ya. 302 00:12:02,765 --> 00:12:05,159 I have a por favorto ask. 303 00:12:05,202 --> 00:12:08,989 We need some curare up here, and we need it tout de suite. 304 00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:10,860 As much as you can spare. 305 00:12:10,904 --> 00:12:13,036 And naturally, we'll put some trinkets 306 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,169 on the trading block in return. 307 00:12:15,212 --> 00:12:18,738 Oxygen? We've got so much, we're using it like air. 308 00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:19,826 How much do you need? 309 00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:21,479 Do we have oxygen? 310 00:12:21,523 --> 00:12:23,046 I was just about to get some for myself. 311 00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:25,135 Right. Me and my garçon will be up there 312 00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:26,789 at the crack of dawn. Well, I guess-- 313 00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:28,138 Don't hang up, sir. 314 00:12:28,182 --> 00:12:29,618 I better talk to their company clerk 315 00:12:29,661 --> 00:12:31,489 and make sure there are no hitches. 316 00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:33,578 I'll put my clerk on to your clerk 317 00:12:33,622 --> 00:12:35,667 and let 'em do whatever it is they do. 318 00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:39,019 -Au revoir. -Thank you, sir. 319 00:12:41,586 --> 00:12:42,892 Colin, old buddy, 320 00:12:42,936 --> 00:12:44,764 as long as I gotta risk my neck anyway, 321 00:12:44,807 --> 00:12:47,592 you got any more of that snooty French vino? 322 00:12:47,636 --> 00:12:50,030 Five bottles, huh? 323 00:12:50,073 --> 00:12:52,989 What do you say you and I talk turkey? 324 00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:55,818 Okay, let's talk fruit cocktail. 325 00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:57,428 So, O Great Girthed One, 326 00:12:57,472 --> 00:12:59,213 do you still want that valuable wine? 327 00:12:59,256 --> 00:13:00,562 Do I still have a palate? 328 00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:02,564 I don't know. I'm not about to peek. 329 00:13:02,607 --> 00:13:05,610 I can get you five bottles. It'll run you 40 per. 330 00:13:05,654 --> 00:13:07,308 4-- My last offer was 30. 331 00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:09,484 Consider it a cost-of-dying increase. 332 00:13:09,527 --> 00:13:11,660 I smell the distinct odor of profiteering. 333 00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:13,836 Try a little more soap. 334 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:17,840 But I also smell the delicate bouquet of a '47 Bordeaux. 335 00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:19,059 You're taking advantage of me. 336 00:13:19,102 --> 00:13:20,582 You know I'm an oenophile. 337 00:13:20,625 --> 00:13:22,671 Hey, talk like that in the shower makes me nervous. 338 00:13:22,714 --> 00:13:24,673 Now, do you want it or don't you? 339 00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:27,328 Unfortunately, I am at a disadvantaged position. 340 00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:29,852 You have me drinking out of the palm of your hand. 341 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,466 Well, Beej, what do you think this is? 342 00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:36,772 You've been drafted. 343 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:37,904 They're greetings, all right, 344 00:13:37,947 --> 00:13:39,166 from three nurses 345 00:13:39,209 --> 00:13:41,603 with absolutely no trace of self-respect, 346 00:13:41,646 --> 00:13:43,605 one of whom is within striking distance 347 00:13:43,648 --> 00:13:45,737 of enjoying a delicious Bordeaux. 348 00:13:45,781 --> 00:13:47,957 And a tasteless Pierce. 349 00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:50,612 Get your water ready. This is liable to set the tent on fire. 350 00:13:50,655 --> 00:13:52,832 "Dear Hawkeye, 351 00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:57,706 "I think your contest is a wonderful idea. 352 00:13:57,749 --> 00:14:00,622 "I really love good wine, 353 00:14:00,665 --> 00:14:03,886 "and I think it would be fun to share a few belts with you. 354 00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:05,888 Signed, Chastity." 355 00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:08,108 That one came with its own cold water. 356 00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:09,718 Send that to the Dead Letter Office. 357 00:14:13,548 --> 00:14:15,419 "Dear Hawkeye, 358 00:14:15,463 --> 00:14:19,771 "Bordeaux is one of my favorite wines, 359 00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:22,687 "along with Manischewitz. 360 00:14:22,731 --> 00:14:25,342 "During happier times, my husband and I 361 00:14:25,386 --> 00:14:27,779 "used to share many a bottle back in the States. 362 00:14:27,823 --> 00:14:29,346 "Drinking this with you 363 00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:30,739 "would bring back fond memories. 364 00:14:30,782 --> 00:14:32,393 Signed, Very Married." 365 00:14:32,436 --> 00:14:34,177 All you'd get there is a swig and a missus. 366 00:14:34,221 --> 00:14:37,354 What is this world coming to? Everywhere I look, morality. 367 00:14:37,398 --> 00:14:39,356 Read on, rebuffed. 368 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,792 My heart is not in this anymore. 369 00:14:42,577 --> 00:14:43,970 "Dear Hawkeye, 370 00:14:44,013 --> 00:14:48,757 I find you an incredibly exciting, vibrant man." 371 00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:52,892 I just had a rush of blood to my ego. 372 00:14:52,935 --> 00:14:56,721 "Your fabulous wine would be the perfect appetizer 373 00:14:56,765 --> 00:14:59,986 to a wonderfully intimate main course." 374 00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:01,770 [laughs] 375 00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:03,641 "I must admit 376 00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:06,601 wine does make me a little crazy, 377 00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:09,343 but I'm sure it's nothing that you can't handle." 378 00:15:09,386 --> 00:15:11,780 Oh, this is a sick woman. 379 00:15:11,823 --> 00:15:14,783 "I hope you pick me, Hawkeye. 380 00:15:14,826 --> 00:15:17,438 "I've always thought you were all man. 381 00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:19,483 "Every time you look in my eyes, 382 00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:22,225 "I turn to jelly. 383 00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:25,402 Signed, Sweet Preserves." 384 00:15:25,446 --> 00:15:27,970 To think that that nurse is responsible for human lives. 385 00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:30,625 Home run. 386 00:15:30,668 --> 00:15:32,148 I turn her to jelly. 387 00:15:32,192 --> 00:15:34,498 What do you think is the look that jars her? 388 00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:38,372 Think it's my, uh, my Rudolph Valentino? 389 00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:40,504 [laughs] 390 00:15:40,548 --> 00:15:43,203 Maybe it's the boy next door. 391 00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:46,075 Try that next door. 392 00:15:46,119 --> 00:15:49,339 Sweet Preserves. Who do you suppose is Sweet Preserves? 393 00:15:49,383 --> 00:15:51,341 What better place to find out who turns to jelly 394 00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:52,560 than the mess tent? 395 00:16:03,223 --> 00:16:04,659 Sorry. Wrong number. 396 00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:12,319 [laughing] 397 00:16:18,890 --> 00:16:19,848 Uh-huh. 398 00:16:23,591 --> 00:16:25,027 Klinger, what the hell is this? 399 00:16:25,071 --> 00:16:27,160 I thought your coquette look was out. 400 00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:30,032 I refuse to be buried in my uniform, sir. 401 00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:31,947 Besides, even the most calloused enemy 402 00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,731 would think twice before firing on a man and his wife 403 00:16:33,775 --> 00:16:35,168 on a country outing. 404 00:16:35,211 --> 00:16:37,431 Why is it women never know how to travel light? 405 00:16:37,474 --> 00:16:39,955 Canned ham and fruit cocktail? 406 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,652 In case we pass a picnic table. 407 00:16:41,696 --> 00:16:43,306 Or a trading post. 408 00:16:48,964 --> 00:16:51,314 [clattering] 409 00:16:58,104 --> 00:17:01,150 ♪ Love for sale 410 00:17:01,194 --> 00:17:06,068 ♪ Appetizing young love for sale ♪ 411 00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:10,855 ♪ Love that's sweet and still unspoiled ♪ 412 00:17:10,899 --> 00:17:13,206 ♪ Love that 413 00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:15,077 Hmm. 414 00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:17,862 ♪ Love for sale 415 00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:19,516 ♪ Appetizing love ♪ 416 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,649 Unhand those socks, you hooligan! 417 00:17:21,692 --> 00:17:24,434 Oh, are these yours? It's an honest mistake. 418 00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:27,916 I have a pair the exact same color. 419 00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:29,439 -Pierce, you've washed. -Yes. 420 00:17:29,483 --> 00:17:32,790 My, my. Where has the week gone? 421 00:17:32,834 --> 00:17:35,315 [chuckles] I could make some scathing replies, Charles, 422 00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:38,448 but I'm saving my energy for an evening of lip-to-lip combat 423 00:17:38,492 --> 00:17:40,755 with the mysterious lady in green. 424 00:17:40,798 --> 00:17:44,498 Soon I'll be having my toast with Sweet Preserves. 425 00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:47,892 Ah, another sordid soiree in the storeroom. 426 00:17:47,936 --> 00:17:51,113 I prefer to think of it as the summer cottage. 427 00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:53,028 You're disgusting. 428 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:56,597 Ah, jealousy rears its shiny head. [chuckles] 429 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,686 I have a bottle of wine, 430 00:17:58,729 --> 00:18:02,081 and you have a case of sour grapes. 431 00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:04,996 Pierce, for you to err is inevitable. 432 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:06,650 For your information, 433 00:18:06,694 --> 00:18:10,089 that fifth is but one-fifth of my private reserve. 434 00:18:10,132 --> 00:18:12,656 Even now as we speak, my swarthy sommelier, 435 00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:17,096 is en route here with five bottles of that very vintage. 436 00:18:17,139 --> 00:18:18,662 Five bottles? 437 00:18:19,837 --> 00:18:21,448 Oh. 438 00:18:21,491 --> 00:18:24,103 You could have your way with the Dionne quintuplets. 439 00:18:24,146 --> 00:18:26,540 Well, we did some plenty good horse trading. 440 00:18:26,583 --> 00:18:28,846 You got your grape juice, and I got my dart dip. 441 00:18:28,890 --> 00:18:30,805 Right. We both got our paralyzers. 442 00:18:30,848 --> 00:18:34,156 Now all we have to do is get our fanny-dangos home alive. 443 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,550 Thrash that throttle, Maxine. 444 00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:38,552 I'm doing the best I can, sir. 445 00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:40,554 It's not easy to double-clutch in high heels. 446 00:18:40,597 --> 00:18:43,165 -[hissing] -What's that hissing sound? 447 00:18:43,209 --> 00:18:46,168 Oh, that must be the wind whistling through my crinolines. 448 00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:49,171 Bushwa. The radiator's on the fritz. 449 00:18:49,215 --> 00:18:52,348 Why in tarnation didn't you keep an eye on the gauge? 450 00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:54,133 Didn't have a spare, sir. 451 00:18:54,176 --> 00:18:56,178 I got one eye on the road, and the other out for snipers. 452 00:18:56,222 --> 00:18:59,050 Well, we better pull in the reins and dismount. 453 00:18:59,094 --> 00:19:01,270 Please, sir, this is no place for a pit stop. 454 00:19:01,314 --> 00:19:02,271 Now that I've got something to live for, 455 00:19:02,315 --> 00:19:03,664 I want to live for it. 456 00:19:03,707 --> 00:19:05,622 It's either pull over or boil over. 457 00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:07,668 And don't forget, I'm packing a six-gun. 458 00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:10,366 Aha. We're in luck, sir. A parking space. 459 00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:11,802 Now get out and hoist that hood. 460 00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:14,718 Me? Aw, sir, this dress is from Bonwit. 461 00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:16,372 In an emergency, 462 00:19:16,416 --> 00:19:19,419 it's women and children first, so get out. 463 00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:20,811 [explosion in distance] 464 00:19:20,855 --> 00:19:22,900 Does this mean the honeymoon is over? 465 00:19:22,944 --> 00:19:27,862 Just look under the hood. I'll look over the terrain. 466 00:19:27,905 --> 00:19:29,690 [hissing] 467 00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:35,957 Doesn't seem too bad, sir. 468 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,567 If we fill 'er up right away, we should make it. 469 00:19:37,611 --> 00:19:39,003 I sure hope so. 470 00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:41,789 Boy, give me a horse any time over one of these. 471 00:19:41,832 --> 00:19:44,792 A stallion springs a leak, all you gotta worry about 472 00:19:44,835 --> 00:19:46,707 is a few moments' embarrassment 473 00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:49,013 on the parade ground. 474 00:19:49,057 --> 00:19:52,887 We don't need a horse, sir. We need a camel. 475 00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:54,062 You mean you were so busy 476 00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:55,846 with your trading and trousseau, 477 00:19:55,890 --> 00:19:58,675 you forgot to put H2O in the canteen? 478 00:19:58,719 --> 00:20:01,504 Sir, it's all water under the bridge now. 479 00:20:01,548 --> 00:20:04,072 Well, then we're just gonna have to improvise, aren't we? 480 00:20:04,115 --> 00:20:07,597 This wagon is going off the wagon. 481 00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:09,382 Sir, you can't be suggesting the wine? 482 00:20:09,425 --> 00:20:12,298 No. I'm ordering the wine. 483 00:20:12,341 --> 00:20:14,778 Sir, we're not having dinner for hours. 484 00:20:14,822 --> 00:20:17,346 Five bottles now. And I don't need to smell the cork. 485 00:20:17,390 --> 00:20:20,697 -I can't do it, sir. I just can't. -[explosion nearby] 486 00:20:20,741 --> 00:20:23,874 Now, what's more important, the vino or your life? 487 00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:26,137 -[explosion] -Klinger! 488 00:20:26,181 --> 00:20:28,357 Don't worry, sir. They're not close enough to kill us. 489 00:20:28,401 --> 00:20:29,358 But I am. 490 00:20:31,012 --> 00:20:32,970 Uh, well, I'd love to help, sir, 491 00:20:33,014 --> 00:20:35,669 but shame of shames, I forgot to pack a corkscrew. 492 00:20:37,323 --> 00:20:40,804 Ha, ha! Leave it to the wise colonel to remember one. 493 00:20:46,854 --> 00:20:50,727 Let this mechanized mule drink to our good health. 494 00:20:50,771 --> 00:20:52,947 ♪♪ ["Some Enchanted Evening"] 495 00:20:52,990 --> 00:20:54,775 [humming] 496 00:21:11,444 --> 00:21:13,924 [knocking] 497 00:21:17,972 --> 00:21:20,279 Who goes there, friend or lover? 498 00:21:20,322 --> 00:21:23,412 WOMAN: I have an order of Sweet Preserves for Dr. Pierce. 499 00:21:23,456 --> 00:21:27,764 [laughs] The doctor will see you immediately. 500 00:21:27,808 --> 00:21:30,767 Lieutenant Palmer, it's you? 501 00:21:30,811 --> 00:21:31,986 That's wonderful. 502 00:21:32,029 --> 00:21:33,901 My naughtiest dream's come true. 503 00:21:33,944 --> 00:21:35,859 Mine too. 504 00:21:35,903 --> 00:21:37,992 I never thought this moment would happen, 505 00:21:38,035 --> 00:21:39,602 that I'd be lucky enough 506 00:21:39,646 --> 00:21:41,909 to spend the evening with Hawkeye Pierce. 507 00:21:41,952 --> 00:21:43,214 I'm the lucky one. 508 00:21:43,258 --> 00:21:45,521 Must be this rabbit's foot I have. 509 00:21:45,565 --> 00:21:47,523 That's why I wear these corrective shoes. 510 00:21:47,567 --> 00:21:50,961 -[laughs] You're as funny as you are sexy. -Aw. 511 00:21:51,005 --> 00:21:53,355 -Hey. -Yeah? 512 00:21:53,399 --> 00:21:56,663 Could you give me one of those special looks? 513 00:21:56,706 --> 00:21:58,534 Well, only if you promise to control yourself. 514 00:21:58,578 --> 00:22:01,494 Oh. I don't know if I can. 515 00:22:01,537 --> 00:22:05,280 Well, then we'll just have to take our chances. 516 00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,500 -[moans] -Pure jelly, huh? 517 00:22:07,543 --> 00:22:09,502 -Oh, Hawkeye? -Yeah? 518 00:22:09,545 --> 00:22:11,504 -When you look at me like that-- -Mmm? 519 00:22:11,547 --> 00:22:13,506 I feel just like a giddy schoolgirl. 520 00:22:13,549 --> 00:22:16,857 Giddiness? Oh, well, I have the prescription for that. 521 00:22:16,900 --> 00:22:18,946 Two glasses of wine and nudge me in the morning. 522 00:22:18,989 --> 00:22:20,948 -Uh, Hawkeye? -Yeah? 523 00:22:20,991 --> 00:22:23,124 -Before you pour the wine-- -Yeah? 524 00:22:23,167 --> 00:22:25,300 There's something that's bothered me. 525 00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:27,433 Bothered? Wait'll we get to bewitched and bewildered. 526 00:22:27,476 --> 00:22:29,435 No, no, Hawkeye, really. 527 00:22:29,478 --> 00:22:33,352 It's just that I don't know if I'm woman enough for you. 528 00:22:33,395 --> 00:22:36,093 -[laughing] -[whistles] 529 00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:38,966 -[chattering, laughing] -Ladies. 530 00:22:39,009 --> 00:22:41,185 Wait a minute, wait a minute. What is this? 531 00:22:41,229 --> 00:22:44,363 Suddenly our little party is losing its intimacy. 532 00:22:44,406 --> 00:22:46,190 This is such a wonderful moment, 533 00:22:46,234 --> 00:22:48,105 I just wanted to share it with some of my friends. 534 00:22:48,149 --> 00:22:50,891 Yeah, but two's company, 30 is a crowd. 535 00:22:50,934 --> 00:22:52,327 Oh, there's no way 536 00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:54,503 we would miss your wine and sleaze party. 537 00:22:54,547 --> 00:22:56,157 Palmer, you're terrific. 538 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,942 Thank you, Major, and thank you, Hawkeye. 539 00:22:58,986 --> 00:23:00,944 Believe me, it was nothing. 540 00:23:00,988 --> 00:23:03,338 Come on, give me one of those famous looks, Hawkeye. 541 00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:06,167 Looks like the lovebird's eating crow. 542 00:23:06,210 --> 00:23:09,344 Did you really think you could buy us with your expensive wine? 543 00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:11,390 Well, it looks like the drinks are on me, 544 00:23:11,433 --> 00:23:14,393 -not to mention the joke. -[laughs] 545 00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:17,961 Oh, not at all. Your wildest fantasy has just come true. 546 00:23:18,005 --> 00:23:20,877 You've just been had by the whole nursing staff. 547 00:23:23,445 --> 00:23:25,142 Here's laughing at you. 548 00:23:28,189 --> 00:23:29,930 Dry, very dry. 549 00:23:37,285 --> 00:23:40,244 Sure is the cat's P.J.s having our curare back. 550 00:23:40,288 --> 00:23:42,464 The patients are more relaxed, and so are we. 551 00:23:42,508 --> 00:23:45,249 Tell you what, Major. I can drain the wine out of the radiator 552 00:23:45,293 --> 00:23:47,295 and let you have the whole batch for 15 bucks, 553 00:23:47,338 --> 00:23:48,731 parts and labor included. 554 00:23:48,775 --> 00:23:51,255 Thanks, but no thanks, Klinger. 555 00:23:51,299 --> 00:23:54,389 I am not an aficionado of "Chateau le Jeep." 556 00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:56,217 Come on, lover boy. 557 00:23:56,260 --> 00:23:58,567 Were the preserves as sweet as you thought they'd be? 558 00:23:58,611 --> 00:24:00,526 Yes, why so quiet, Doctor? 559 00:24:00,569 --> 00:24:03,267 Was she possibly more woman than one man could handle? 560 00:24:03,311 --> 00:24:05,661 Are you kidding? You see one nurse, you've seen them all. 561 00:24:05,705 --> 00:24:06,880 ♪♪ [theme] 562 00:24:19,066 --> 00:24:21,329 ♪♪ [theme] 43110

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