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1
00:00:01,697 --> 00:00:04,091
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:55,011 --> 00:00:58,580
ALL: ♪ ...auld acquaintance
be forgot ♪
3
00:00:58,623 --> 00:01:03,628
♪ And never brought to mind
4
00:01:03,672 --> 00:01:09,373
♪ Should auld acquaintance
be forgot ♪
5
00:01:09,417 --> 00:01:15,292
♪ And days of auld lang syne
6
00:01:15,336 --> 00:01:21,124
♪ For auld lang syne,
my dear ♪
7
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:27,696
♪ For auld lang syne
8
00:01:27,739 --> 00:01:34,006
♪ We'll take a cup
of kindness yet ♪
9
00:01:34,050 --> 00:01:39,577
♪ For auld lang syne
10
00:01:39,621 --> 00:01:41,362
-[cheering]
-[horns tooting]
11
00:01:41,405 --> 00:01:44,278
Attenzione,folks,
attenzione.
12
00:01:44,321 --> 00:01:49,457
Well, the 20th century is
now officially half kaput.
13
00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:51,676
-And so are we.
-[laughter]
14
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:54,375
Here's to the New Year.
15
00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:57,334
May she be a damn sight
better than the old one,
16
00:01:57,378 --> 00:02:01,164
and may we all be home
before she's over.
17
00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:04,124
-Yay!
-CHARLES: Hear, hear.
-Thank you, Colonel.
18
00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:06,430
Klinger, I sure wish I had me
one of those to wear.
19
00:02:06,474 --> 00:02:08,432
It's simple.
You just cut up a bedsheet.
20
00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:11,087
The jacket, you nincompoop!
I'm freezing to death.
21
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,133
Oh, this.
It just came in today.
22
00:02:13,176 --> 00:02:15,483
It's what the warm person
is wearing this winter.
23
00:02:15,526 --> 00:02:18,138
I see you're admiring
the latest fashion
from, uh, Sears.
24
00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:19,922
They were in the catalog
under Life Preservers.
25
00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:21,184
How come you didn't
order one?
26
00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:22,707
Because
I foolishly thought
27
00:02:22,751 --> 00:02:24,883
the army would provide me
with winter gear on time.
28
00:02:24,927 --> 00:02:26,972
-The army. Right.
-Uh-huh.
29
00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:28,974
That same speedy outfit
that just yesterday
30
00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:31,281
delivered a beautiful
package to Valley Forge
31
00:02:31,325 --> 00:02:32,717
addressed to G. Washington.
32
00:02:32,761 --> 00:02:34,284
Klinger, I wanna
see that catalog
33
00:02:34,328 --> 00:02:35,416
first thing
in the morning.
34
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:37,113
Okay. You'll need a jeep.
35
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,681
I traded it to the 8063rd
for the party decorations.
36
00:02:39,724 --> 00:02:42,249
You traded that catalog for
some stupid pink elephants?
37
00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:44,381
I didn't hear
any complaining till now.
38
00:02:44,425 --> 00:02:45,991
Anyway, there'll be
a new catalog soon.
39
00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:47,210
-How soon?
-Next month.
40
00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:48,777
Valentine's Day the latest.
41
00:02:48,820 --> 00:02:50,039
B.J.: Come on, Margaret.
42
00:02:50,082 --> 00:02:51,475
You can't hog
the catalog all day.
43
00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:53,216
I'd be able to read it
a lot faster
44
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,479
if half the pages weren't
covered with chocolate.
45
00:02:55,523 --> 00:02:57,525
[muffled] Why am I always
singled out for blame?
46
00:02:57,568 --> 00:02:59,004
I can't find that coat.
47
00:02:59,048 --> 00:03:00,789
That's what you're
looking for?
48
00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:02,530
-Yes.
-Don't holler at
the chocolate soldier
49
00:03:02,573 --> 00:03:04,053
just because you can't
find a winter coat
50
00:03:04,096 --> 00:03:06,098
in a spring/summer
catalog.
51
00:03:06,142 --> 00:03:08,927
You mean there's nothing
in this stupid book
I can use to keep warm?
52
00:03:08,971 --> 00:03:10,668
You could
order some matches
and set it on fire.
53
00:03:10,712 --> 00:03:12,235
Oh, shut up.
54
00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:13,802
Obviously, madame is
overwrought from shopping.
55
00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:15,151
What do you two
think you're doing?
56
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,283
We're looking for a radio.
57
00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:17,414
Take a number, buster.
58
00:03:17,458 --> 00:03:18,720
I haven't finished yet.
59
00:03:18,763 --> 00:03:19,808
The coat's not in there!
60
00:03:19,851 --> 00:03:20,939
I need other stuff, like--
61
00:03:20,983 --> 00:03:22,027
like knitting stuff.
62
00:03:22,071 --> 00:03:23,159
-Oh!
-Knitting?
63
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,813
You expect us
to buy that yarn?
64
00:03:24,856 --> 00:03:26,249
Good morning, all. Ah.
65
00:03:26,293 --> 00:03:28,208
I heard the new Sears,
Roebuck catalog was in.
66
00:03:28,251 --> 00:03:29,905
-Let me just--
-Not a prayer, Father.
67
00:03:29,948 --> 00:03:32,081
I just want to take a quick
peek at the gardening section.
68
00:03:32,124 --> 00:03:33,865
Well, all we want
is a lousy radio.
69
00:03:33,909 --> 00:03:35,867
If you'll just shut up
and let me order--
70
00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:38,174
Hey! That's enough.
Look at you.
71
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:42,091
As chief custodian
of this catalog,
I am sadly appalled.
72
00:03:42,134 --> 00:03:43,875
Two respected physicians,
a chief nurse,
73
00:03:43,919 --> 00:03:46,269
and a man of the cloth,
all acting like children.
74
00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:48,880
[gasps]
Wowee! Baseball gloves!
75
00:03:54,321 --> 00:03:57,802
With all due respect, sir,
the Dodgers are a shoo-in.
76
00:03:57,846 --> 00:04:00,109
You're nuttier
than a jar of goobers.
77
00:04:00,152 --> 00:04:01,937
The Cards
are a lead-pipe cinch.
78
00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:03,808
Now chuck that apple
in here.
79
00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:07,334
Ooh!
80
00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:11,860
KLINGER: Say, Father!
81
00:04:11,903 --> 00:04:14,210
You wanna wing
that horsehide this way?
82
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,299
I have spent the morning
in the hot sun
83
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:19,215
planting corn, carnations
and sunflowers.
84
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:22,958
It was not my intention
to harvest horsehide.
85
00:04:24,089 --> 00:04:25,874
Terrific.
Another hit-and-run.
86
00:04:27,484 --> 00:04:30,574
Why... You fur ball!
87
00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:33,273
You're unraveling
my potholder!
88
00:04:33,316 --> 00:04:34,448
Now, now, now.
89
00:04:34,491 --> 00:04:36,580
No sense in crying
over spilled wool.
90
00:04:36,624 --> 00:04:40,323
I hope you feel the same way
about spilled teeth.
91
00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:42,978
Oh. I'd better get outta here
before I get spiked.
92
00:04:43,021 --> 00:04:45,023
[grunts]
93
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:48,331
MALE SINGERS:
♪ R-A-G-G M-O-P-P, M
94
00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:50,812
-♪ I say M
-I cannot stand it!
95
00:04:50,855 --> 00:04:52,814
The world has gone truly mad.
96
00:04:52,857 --> 00:04:54,816
Those people can neither
sing nor spell!
97
00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:57,514
Hey, daddy-o, you don't
dig our new "raddi-o,"
98
00:04:57,558 --> 00:04:58,602
get off our patio.
99
00:04:58,646 --> 00:05:00,343
"Fatty-o."
100
00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:01,692
He is so uncool.
101
00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,041
[chuckling] Just get hep.
102
00:05:03,085 --> 00:05:05,392
But consider
their pitching staff:
103
00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:08,830
Newcombe, Erskine,
Roe, Branca.
104
00:05:08,873 --> 00:05:11,746
Putty in the hands
of Stan the Man. Pitch!
105
00:05:11,789 --> 00:05:13,356
MEN [on radio]:
♪ I say M-O...
106
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,401
-Major.
-Huh?
107
00:05:14,444 --> 00:05:16,054
Will you tell the colonel
108
00:05:16,098 --> 00:05:17,578
who's gonna win the National
League pennant this year?
109
00:05:17,621 --> 00:05:19,623
Oh, yes.
110
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:22,539
In springtime, a young dolt's
fancy turns to baseball,
111
00:05:22,583 --> 00:05:25,368
where one can sit and munch
red-hots and Cracker Jacks
112
00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:27,065
and watch 18 hillbillies
in knickers
113
00:05:27,109 --> 00:05:28,371
run around in circles
114
00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:30,634
and spit tobacco chaws
on one another.
115
00:05:30,678 --> 00:05:32,593
See that? He likes
the Dodgers too.
116
00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,246
Wouldn't care
to put your dinero
117
00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:35,944
where you put your dinner,
would you?
118
00:05:35,987 --> 00:05:38,076
Aw, sir,
I couldn't bet with you.
119
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,340
That would be like taking
candy from a colonel.
120
00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:42,951
-Shall we say $10?
-Said and done.
121
00:05:44,039 --> 00:05:45,388
Whoa!
122
00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:47,085
There's no way
we're gonna be in Korea
123
00:05:47,129 --> 00:05:49,610
when the baseball season
crosses the finish line.
124
00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:53,483
Could the sly old fox
be trying to weasel
out of a bet?
125
00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:54,615
Don't even think it.
126
00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:56,573
Ain't it an old baseball adage
127
00:05:56,617 --> 00:05:59,141
that the team that's in first
place on July the 4
128
00:05:59,184 --> 00:06:00,577
always wins the pennant?
129
00:06:00,621 --> 00:06:02,797
Okay. Who's ever ahead
on July the 4.
130
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,407
We'll make it $20.
131
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:07,541
And that will be my
financial Independence Day.
132
00:06:07,584 --> 00:06:09,934
You're on, rube.
Now pitch me that pea.
133
00:06:14,112 --> 00:06:18,029
-[helicopters approaching]
-Aw, no.
134
00:06:18,073 --> 00:06:19,466
Let's go! We got wounded!
135
00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:21,816
NURSE: Come on,
everybody, let's go!
136
00:06:38,485 --> 00:06:40,617
Pam, get me his last EKG.
137
00:06:43,707 --> 00:06:46,101
Hey, Beej, listen to this.
138
00:06:46,144 --> 00:06:48,495
"Portable decorative
wood mantels.
139
00:06:48,538 --> 00:06:52,586
Add fireplace charm and beauty
to rooms without a fireplace."
140
00:06:52,629 --> 00:06:54,370
That doesn't sound
like such a hot idea.
141
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,416
You want a fireplace,
all you get is the place.
142
00:06:56,459 --> 00:06:59,114
I read on.
"Decorative electric logs
143
00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:01,943
give effect of real fire
without heat or flame."
144
00:07:01,986 --> 00:07:04,032
Now you're cookin'.
You know what they say:
145
00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,425
home is where the hearth is.
146
00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:06,643
That's good.
147
00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:09,167
Here are his EKG's.
148
00:07:09,211 --> 00:07:11,735
-How's his urinary output?
-Still way below normal.
149
00:07:11,779 --> 00:07:13,563
-Renal shutdown?
-Yeah.
150
00:07:13,607 --> 00:07:15,739
We gotta get him
on that artificial kidney.
151
00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:18,350
Margaret, order up a chopper
to send him to Wonju.
152
00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:20,483
What are his chances
of surviving that trip?
153
00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:22,572
-With that belly wound?
-Maybe 1 in 20,
154
00:07:22,616 --> 00:07:24,879
which is one more than he'd
have if he stayed here.
155
00:07:24,922 --> 00:07:27,055
-Yeah.
-[sighs]
156
00:07:27,098 --> 00:07:28,883
Some choice. It's
the tiger or the tiger.
157
00:07:28,926 --> 00:07:30,885
I'm getting tired of this.
158
00:07:30,928 --> 00:07:33,104
We need an artificial
kidney machine here.
159
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:35,324
Hawk, there's a grand total
of one in Asia.
160
00:07:35,367 --> 00:07:37,805
You don't get them by sending
in a Cheerios box top.
161
00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:39,546
Let me ask you something.
162
00:07:39,589 --> 00:07:42,200
How much do you know about
building a kidney machine?
163
00:07:42,244 --> 00:07:44,725
-Absolutely nothing.
-Neither do I.
164
00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:46,161
So how do we know
we can't make one?
165
00:07:46,204 --> 00:07:47,728
Are you crazy?
166
00:07:47,771 --> 00:07:49,860
When Dr. Kolff invented it,
he was at a university.
167
00:07:49,904 --> 00:07:51,732
He had facilities.
He had funding.
He had a research team.
168
00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:53,734
But we got something
he didn't have.
169
00:07:53,777 --> 00:07:56,127
We got Dr. Kolff
to copy from.
170
00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:58,173
Follow me and bring
your library card.
171
00:08:01,132 --> 00:08:03,395
-Look at this.
-Are you two still at it?
172
00:08:03,439 --> 00:08:04,701
Every time
I see you lately,
173
00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:06,355
you've got your noses
in a book.
174
00:08:06,398 --> 00:08:08,662
We've just completed
the one-month crash course
175
00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:10,838
at the Korean Kidney Academy.
176
00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:12,187
We now know everything
177
00:08:12,230 --> 00:08:13,754
there is to know
about kidneys. Just ask.
178
00:08:13,797 --> 00:08:16,191
Kidney pie, kidney stew,
kidney beans...
179
00:08:16,234 --> 00:08:18,149
kidney-shaped pools.
180
00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:19,803
Unfortunately, we've just
been "kidneying" ourselves.
181
00:08:19,847 --> 00:08:21,239
We can't make
a kidney machine.
182
00:08:21,283 --> 00:08:23,285
-Too complicated.
-To understand, no.
183
00:08:23,328 --> 00:08:24,852
To get the parts, yes.
184
00:08:24,895 --> 00:08:26,680
You mean you're right back
where you started from?
185
00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:28,072
Well, not exactly.
186
00:08:28,116 --> 00:08:30,553
There's this, uh,
this, uh, Dr. Barbero
187
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:32,381
over at the 8228's been
getting very good results
188
00:08:32,424 --> 00:08:34,252
with his peritoneal
lavage.
189
00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:36,080
No kidney machine,
but at least
it's an alternative
190
00:08:36,124 --> 00:08:37,560
to what we've been doing,
which is nothing.
191
00:08:37,604 --> 00:08:39,257
The only equipment
we don't already have here
192
00:08:39,301 --> 00:08:40,563
is trocars and stylets.
193
00:08:40,607 --> 00:08:42,304
I can get those for you
at Tokyo General
194
00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:43,914
when I'm on R&R.
195
00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:46,177
Listen, while you're there,
you ought to see a doctor.
196
00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:48,571
Your potholder has developed
a pituitary problem.
197
00:08:48,615 --> 00:08:50,399
It's a woman's prerogative
to change her potholder.
198
00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:51,661
I'm making it into a scarf.
199
00:08:51,705 --> 00:08:53,445
That makes perfect sense.
200
00:08:53,489 --> 00:08:54,751
She'd look silly wearing
a potholder around her neck.
201
00:08:54,795 --> 00:08:55,709
[hammering]
202
00:09:00,191 --> 00:09:01,758
Boy, that burns me up.
203
00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:03,847
A slender woman
can wear anything.
204
00:09:03,891 --> 00:09:07,677
Well, Padre, I see the corn is
as high as a clergyman's eye.
205
00:09:07,721 --> 00:09:11,246
Well, thank you. It's like
success in most endeavors.
206
00:09:11,289 --> 00:09:14,554
It took a lot of hard work
and a little fertilizer.
207
00:09:14,597 --> 00:09:16,686
May I point out there
will be no vegetables
208
00:09:16,730 --> 00:09:18,296
without the fruits
of my labor.
209
00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:19,820
Fine piece of work, Klinger.
210
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:22,257
It'll scare crows
and attract sailors.
211
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,346
Did the colonel
happen to catch
212
00:09:24,389 --> 00:09:26,391
this morning's
Stars and Stripes
sports section,
213
00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:28,219
under "Standings
comma National League"?
214
00:09:28,263 --> 00:09:30,570
-Or am I being too vague?
-All right, all right.
215
00:09:30,613 --> 00:09:32,397
So the bums
are up by nine games.
216
00:09:32,441 --> 00:09:34,704
It's still a month
to July 4th.
217
00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:36,445
Today you're scaring crows.
218
00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:38,621
By then, you'll be eating them.
219
00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:40,623
-Ha!
-July 4th.
220
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:41,972
What a wonderful idea!
221
00:09:42,016 --> 00:09:44,018
We'll have a picnic
222
00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:46,586
and serve my corn
on the cob.
223
00:09:46,629 --> 00:09:49,197
[crowd chattering, exclaiming]
224
00:09:55,769 --> 00:09:58,728
17, 18, 19, 20.
225
00:09:58,772 --> 00:10:02,166
Nothing like cool cash
on a hot summer's night.
226
00:10:02,210 --> 00:10:04,604
Ah. Evidently,
the assemblage from Brooklyn
227
00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:06,518
has outdistanced
the St. Louis louts.
228
00:10:06,562 --> 00:10:08,608
They're up by eight
and a half games.
229
00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:12,220
Eight and a half games!
Isn't that sweet?
230
00:10:14,875 --> 00:10:16,964
-Ah!
-Well, Father,
231
00:10:17,007 --> 00:10:18,966
in just a few minutes,
we'll be de-cobbing corn,
232
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:20,315
thanks to you
and your khaki thumb.
233
00:10:20,358 --> 00:10:21,621
Don't I know it.
234
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:23,187
All week,
I've been dreaming
235
00:10:23,231 --> 00:10:25,320
about getting butter
on my cheeks,
236
00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:26,974
juice on my shirt,
237
00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:29,585
and a niblet wedged
between two molars.
238
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,456
Oh, I wish I had
your table manners.
239
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:33,894
-Oh, that was great.
-Stand still.
240
00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:36,461
Margaret,
wasn't this potholder
supposed to be a scarf?
241
00:10:36,505 --> 00:10:38,463
It hasn't been a scarf
in weeks.
242
00:10:38,507 --> 00:10:40,465
I'm knitting a sweater
for a pilot I met in Tokyo.
243
00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:42,511
And I'm the mannequin
who came to dinner, huh?
244
00:10:42,554 --> 00:10:43,817
-Thanks.
-You're welcome.
245
00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:45,645
Absolutely negative.
246
00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:48,778
I'm not throwin' good garbanzos
after bad on the Redbirds.
247
00:10:48,822 --> 00:10:50,432
Forget St. Louis.
248
00:10:50,475 --> 00:10:52,782
Don't you want another
shot at this cabbage?
249
00:10:52,826 --> 00:10:54,871
I'll give you
the whole league
250
00:10:54,915 --> 00:10:57,047
against the Dodgers,
2-1 odds.
251
00:10:57,091 --> 00:10:59,093
You still buckin'
for that Section 8?
252
00:10:59,136 --> 00:11:02,400
2-1 odds, the Dodgers against
the rest of the league?
253
00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:04,402
Hey, I'll take some
of that action.
254
00:11:04,446 --> 00:11:06,709
Watch out for those Giants.
That new kid Mays is on fire.
255
00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:08,276
Flash in the pan.
He doesn't even know
256
00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:09,886
it's two hands
for beginners.
257
00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:12,062
-Put me down for 10.
-A sawbuck for the sawbones.
258
00:11:12,106 --> 00:11:14,456
All right, all right.
You're feelin' so damn smug,
259
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,414
pencil me in
for half a C-note.
260
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:18,068
Oh, wait a minute, sir.
261
00:11:18,112 --> 00:11:19,722
It's been a pleasure
doin' business with you,
262
00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:21,724
but I don't know
if I can cover that.
263
00:11:21,768 --> 00:11:23,378
I'm talkin'
a little cabbage.
264
00:11:23,421 --> 00:11:25,336
You're talkin'
a mound of coleslaw.
265
00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:26,729
Klinger,
how would you like me
266
00:11:26,773 --> 00:11:28,731
to cover your coleslaw
with my garbanzos?
267
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:32,082
Charles! You want
to get part of this?
268
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:33,954
You, the man who asked
269
00:11:33,997 --> 00:11:37,087
how many carats there are
in a baseball diamond?
270
00:11:37,131 --> 00:11:39,960
Right. Actually,
Klinger's forecasts
271
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:42,832
have proven
uncannily accurate.
272
00:11:42,876 --> 00:11:45,530
I believe you said something
about, uh, half a C-note.
273
00:11:45,574 --> 00:11:47,445
IGOR:
Come and get it!
274
00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:49,926
[chattering, shouting]
275
00:11:53,147 --> 00:11:54,583
Where's the corn?
276
00:11:54,626 --> 00:11:56,280
You're lookin' at it,
the mushy stuff.
277
00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:59,457
You--
You creamed it!
278
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:02,634
You--You...ninny!
279
00:12:02,678 --> 00:12:03,853
You're such a jughead!
280
00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,202
I was just tryin'
to be helpful.
281
00:12:05,246 --> 00:12:06,464
Next 4th of July,
282
00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:07,770
you can eat it
on the cob for all I care.
283
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:09,816
[all shouting]
284
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:17,780
The numbness
is leaving my toes.
285
00:12:17,824 --> 00:12:19,216
Yeah. Mine are all
wiggly again.
286
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:21,871
Boy, there's nothing
like a real fake fire.
287
00:12:21,915 --> 00:12:24,395
Thanks to this,
now it's like summer in here.
288
00:12:24,439 --> 00:12:28,051
Gentlemen, the snow pageant
is fatuous and unamusing.
289
00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:32,229
It serves only as
a reminder that it is hot.
290
00:12:32,273 --> 00:12:33,883
You know, he's right.
It doesn't work
291
00:12:33,927 --> 00:12:35,232
without the plastic
marshmallows.
292
00:12:36,930 --> 00:12:39,802
Major, take a look
at this sports section.
293
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:42,587
It'll give you more smiles
than the funnies.
294
00:12:42,631 --> 00:12:44,589
-[laughing]
-[chortling]
295
00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:47,767
"Dodgers pluck Redbirds,
lead 13 and a half games."
296
00:12:47,810 --> 00:12:48,942
Erskine tossed
a three-hitter.
297
00:12:48,985 --> 00:12:50,726
Good old Ersk.
298
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,163
Oh-ho, and the Preacher Man's
on the mound today.
299
00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:55,513
Klinger, we are sitting
in the jaybird seat.
300
00:12:55,557 --> 00:12:58,429
-Catbird, sir.
-Cat, Of course.
301
00:12:58,473 --> 00:13:00,170
Well, my fireside chaps,
302
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:01,606
would you care
to pay your wager now
303
00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:03,565
and avoid the September
stampede?
304
00:13:03,608 --> 00:13:04,871
Uh-uh.
You know what they say
305
00:13:04,914 --> 00:13:06,263
in parachute training,
Charles.
306
00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:08,222
It's not over until
the last man is out.
307
00:13:08,265 --> 00:13:10,833
Would you care
to back up that old saw
with an old sawbuck?
308
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:13,705
Major, nobody's ever come back
from 13 1/2 games in August.
309
00:13:13,749 --> 00:13:15,316
You're not gonna
find any takers.
310
00:13:15,359 --> 00:13:17,535
Ah, perhaps the key lays
in improving the odds.
311
00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:19,494
Shall we say
one will get you three?
312
00:13:19,537 --> 00:13:22,540
-No dice, Chaz.
-Four?
313
00:13:22,584 --> 00:13:24,325
Major, we stand
to win a lot of loot.
314
00:13:24,368 --> 00:13:25,848
Let us not be piggish.
315
00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:27,850
This is not piggish,
Klinger. This is bullish.
316
00:13:27,894 --> 00:13:30,810
How do you think
we Winchesters amassed
our huge family fortune?
317
00:13:30,853 --> 00:13:32,768
[chortles]
One'll get you five?
318
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,770
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention!
Ambulance in the compound.
319
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,424
We've got more
of the latest hits.
320
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:38,339
Smash hits, I'm sure.
321
00:13:38,382 --> 00:13:40,950
I hope you remembered
to close the flue.
322
00:13:40,994 --> 00:13:43,300
Clamp, please. 6-1?
323
00:13:43,344 --> 00:13:45,650
More suction-- 6-1?
324
00:13:45,694 --> 00:13:48,479
The Dodgers versus
the rest of the N.L.?
325
00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:51,091
Doctor, if you can say that
and walk a straight line,
326
00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:52,657
put me in for a hundred.
327
00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:54,964
-Done.
-A hundred?
328
00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:57,010
Mm-hmm. Make a note of that,
will you, Max?
329
00:13:57,053 --> 00:13:59,882
Major, our ship is coming in.
Don't rock it.
330
00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:02,493
Klinger,
you've gotta give up this
petty potatoes philosophy.
331
00:14:02,537 --> 00:14:03,930
We got a gold mine here.
332
00:14:03,973 --> 00:14:06,019
I intend to fleece every
sheep in the neighborhood.
333
00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:08,021
[chortles] Clamp.
334
00:14:08,064 --> 00:14:10,675
Say, Kellye, you look
like a sporting person.
335
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,896
Lori, get me two more units.
336
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:16,290
-This kid's way overdrawn
at the blood bank.
-Yes, doctor.
337
00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:17,508
-Clamp. Hey, Beej.
-Yeah.
338
00:14:17,552 --> 00:14:18,901
With all these transfusions,
339
00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:20,250
all the blood
this kid's been losing,
340
00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:21,991
I'd be very surprised
341
00:14:22,035 --> 00:14:23,558
if his kidneys haven't
closed down by the weekend.
342
00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:24,907
Better watch him
pretty closely.
343
00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:28,345
Yeah. He's in
no shape to ship.
344
00:14:28,389 --> 00:14:30,913
Clamp. Now, you may not
know it, fella,
345
00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:32,306
but you might be
a charter member
346
00:14:32,349 --> 00:14:33,829
in our peritoneal
lavage club.
347
00:14:45,362 --> 00:14:48,148
[exhales]
How are we doin'?
348
00:14:48,191 --> 00:14:50,367
Same old story. Soon as
the nitrogen and potassium
349
00:14:50,411 --> 00:14:51,368
are removed from his blood,
350
00:14:51,412 --> 00:14:53,675
he builds up more.
351
00:14:53,718 --> 00:14:55,503
It's, uh, you should
pardon the expression,
352
00:14:55,546 --> 00:14:56,721
a dead heat.
353
00:14:56,765 --> 00:14:58,158
We bought him
a couple of weeks.
354
00:14:58,201 --> 00:14:59,899
If his kidneys are gonna
resume functioning,
355
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:01,639
-it should be soon.
-Yeah, but you know,
356
00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:03,119
the Kolff machine
can do in a couple of hours
357
00:15:03,163 --> 00:15:06,644
what it takes this rig
all day to do.
358
00:15:06,688 --> 00:15:09,212
And we're not always
gonna have time to give
359
00:15:09,256 --> 00:15:12,955
nonstop intensive care
to one kid for two weeks.
360
00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:14,957
All we can do for now is wait.
361
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:16,611
What do you say
we go get some coffee,
362
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:17,917
-ruin our own kidneys?
-Yeah.
363
00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:23,574
Margaret, is this sweater
364
00:15:23,618 --> 00:15:25,402
for your pilot friend
or his airplane?
365
00:15:25,446 --> 00:15:28,753
Ha! As far as I'm concerned,
that flyboy's been grounded.
366
00:15:28,797 --> 00:15:30,451
I'm making a blanket
for my bed,
367
00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:31,931
which he will never see.
368
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:33,410
You should send
to Sears for a man.
369
00:15:33,454 --> 00:15:34,977
It is a male order
catalog.
370
00:15:35,021 --> 00:15:37,066
-That's it.
-Don't be ridiculous, Hawk.
371
00:15:37,110 --> 00:15:38,459
She can't order a man.
372
00:15:38,502 --> 00:15:40,113
By the time he got
here, he'd be stale.
373
00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:42,071
I'm serious.
And I'm also inspired.
374
00:15:42,115 --> 00:15:44,073
You have just witnessed
the birth of a notion.
375
00:15:44,117 --> 00:15:46,336
I'm warning you, Klinger.
376
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:47,642
I have been perusing
the sports pages.
377
00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:49,078
I do not like
what I'm reading.
378
00:15:49,122 --> 00:15:50,601
Not to fear, Major.
379
00:15:50,645 --> 00:15:52,603
The Dodgers are still up
by eight games.
380
00:15:52,647 --> 00:15:54,736
They can't possibly
blow that in a month.
381
00:15:54,779 --> 00:15:56,216
Klinger, where's
that Sears catalog?
382
00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:57,521
In there
with the topkick.
383
00:15:57,565 --> 00:15:58,870
I cannot believe
384
00:15:58,914 --> 00:16:00,220
that I allowed you
to risk my money
385
00:16:00,263 --> 00:16:01,438
on a bunch of grown men
386
00:16:01,482 --> 00:16:03,832
named Newk, Duke,
and Pee Wee.
387
00:16:03,875 --> 00:16:05,225
Glad you're here, boys.
388
00:16:05,268 --> 00:16:07,140
You can help me decide
which Zane Grey to order:
389
00:16:07,183 --> 00:16:09,446
30,000 on the Hoof
or Thundering Herd.
390
00:16:09,490 --> 00:16:11,840
-Yeah.
-Choice like that is
a real dome-scratcher.
391
00:16:11,883 --> 00:16:14,016
-Excuse me, will you?
-Whoa, tall stranger!
392
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:16,105
This here catalog ain't big
enough for the both of us.
393
00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:17,628
I'll be out of it
by sundown.
394
00:16:17,672 --> 00:16:19,326
I just want to order
an artificial kidney.
395
00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:20,805
From Sears and Roebuck?
396
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:22,242
Not as crazy as it
might sound, Colonel.
397
00:16:22,285 --> 00:16:23,591
What's the Kolff
machine anyway
398
00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:25,288
but a bathtub
for the bloodstream?
399
00:16:25,332 --> 00:16:28,074
Here we go.
"Jumbo washtub.
Holds 34 gallons.
400
00:16:28,117 --> 00:16:29,510
Leakproof,
rust-resistant."
401
00:16:29,553 --> 00:16:31,642
-Good.
-Use your noggins, boys.
402
00:16:31,686 --> 00:16:33,122
The blood goes
through the rinse
403
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:35,298
in tubes of
cellophane-type membrane.
404
00:16:35,342 --> 00:16:36,865
Where do you plan
to scare that up?
405
00:16:36,908 --> 00:16:39,215
Membrane, schmembrane.
What Dr. Kolff uses
406
00:16:39,259 --> 00:16:42,131
is plain old sausage casing,
boiled and rinsed.
407
00:16:42,175 --> 00:16:46,135
"Saucers, Saucer Racks,
Sausage Stuffers."
408
00:16:46,179 --> 00:16:48,137
"Savings Banks"?
It's not here.
409
00:16:48,181 --> 00:16:50,618
They got sausage stuffers
and nothing to stuff it in?
410
00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:52,620
-Damn it.
-You boys give up too quick.
411
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:54,143
Didn't you ever see
Gunga Din?
412
00:16:54,187 --> 00:16:56,189
You've gotta toot that bugle
till you drop.
413
00:16:56,232 --> 00:16:57,625
What are we
supposed to do?
414
00:16:57,668 --> 00:16:59,061
Sears doesn't have
a deli section.
415
00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:00,715
If you're talkin' casing,
416
00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:04,110
there's a man out there
who's our sausage link.
417
00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:06,155
Klinger.
418
00:17:06,199 --> 00:17:07,852
Is my presence
requested, sir?
419
00:17:07,896 --> 00:17:09,854
Yes. We've got a little
favor to ask of you.
420
00:17:09,898 --> 00:17:12,944
What's the name of that hotdog
emporium back in Toledo?
421
00:17:12,988 --> 00:17:13,989
Packo's?
422
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,425
Packo's. Hop on the horn.
423
00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:17,862
Tell 'em we want to call in
an order to go.
424
00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:19,647
♪♪ [classical on radio]
425
00:17:19,690 --> 00:17:21,475
Is there a Dr. Pierce
in the house?
426
00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:23,520
Special delivery
from Packo's hotdogs.
427
00:17:23,564 --> 00:17:25,827
Hey, you got the
sausage casings, huh?
428
00:17:25,870 --> 00:17:28,525
Somewhere in Toledo, there
are a whole lot of hotdogs
429
00:17:28,569 --> 00:17:30,527
running around
without a thing to wear.
430
00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:31,702
You know what would
go great with this
431
00:17:31,746 --> 00:17:33,661
is 500 empty beer cans.
432
00:17:33,704 --> 00:17:35,924
Now we get the tub,
and we're in business.
433
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:38,840
Must we always listen
to this mindless pap?
434
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:40,146
Get to the sports news.
435
00:17:40,189 --> 00:17:43,149
Known these days
as the financial report.
436
00:17:43,192 --> 00:17:44,672
In the City
of Brotherly Love,
437
00:17:44,715 --> 00:17:46,543
the Yankees
pounded the A's 9-3.
438
00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:49,024
My mother's bridge club
could pound the A's!
439
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:50,939
Get to the senior circuit.
440
00:17:50,982 --> 00:17:53,028
Taking a look
at the senior circuit,
441
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,769
with just two weeks
left in the season,
442
00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:56,640
the amazing Giants
have narrowed
443
00:17:56,684 --> 00:17:58,599
the Dodgers' lead
to four games.
444
00:17:58,642 --> 00:18:00,166
Freeze, weasel!
445
00:18:00,209 --> 00:18:02,864
Now, now, Major.
Let's not come unglued.
446
00:18:02,907 --> 00:18:04,213
Listen,
you hairy homunculus.
447
00:18:04,257 --> 00:18:05,780
Thanks to your
prognostications,
448
00:18:05,823 --> 00:18:07,869
I have made extensive
financial speculations.
449
00:18:07,912 --> 00:18:12,439
If I wind up in debt,
you're gonna wind up
in traction!
450
00:18:12,482 --> 00:18:14,267
GAME ANNOUNCER: Dark at
second, Mueller at first,
451
00:18:14,310 --> 00:18:15,703
as the tying run
comes to the plate
452
00:18:15,746 --> 00:18:17,531
in the person
of Whitey Lockman.
453
00:18:17,574 --> 00:18:19,489
Boy, oh, boy. Who'd have
thought back in August
454
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:21,491
that the N.L. flag
would still be in doubt,
455
00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:23,319
last inning,
last play-off game?
456
00:18:23,363 --> 00:18:24,581
Newcombe stretches.
457
00:18:24,625 --> 00:18:26,714
Lockman's trouble, Newk.
Bean him!
458
00:18:26,757 --> 00:18:28,629
Checks the runners.
459
00:18:28,672 --> 00:18:30,239
Newcombe comes in
high and tight
460
00:18:30,283 --> 00:18:31,675
as Lockman hits the dirt.
461
00:18:31,719 --> 00:18:33,373
This thing is enormous.
What size did you order,
462
00:18:33,416 --> 00:18:35,114
medium, large,
or rub-a-dub-dub?
463
00:18:35,157 --> 00:18:37,420
-[knocking]
-What? Who is it?
464
00:18:37,464 --> 00:18:38,726
KLINGER: [disguising voice]
Western Union.
465
00:18:38,769 --> 00:18:40,684
Telegram for Major Winchester.
466
00:18:40,728 --> 00:18:42,773
-He's not here.
-Oh, thank goodness.
467
00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:44,166
If the Dodgers blow this game,
468
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:46,125
the major has assured me
he takes no prisoners.
469
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:49,215
Lockman laces a line drive
inside the bag to left field!
470
00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:51,260
-All right!
-Oh, no! I'm a dead man!
471
00:18:51,304 --> 00:18:53,915
...will score!
Mueller slides into third,
472
00:18:53,958 --> 00:18:57,614
and Lockman pulls into second
with a stand-up double.
473
00:18:57,658 --> 00:18:59,703
Way to whomp
that tater, Whitey.
474
00:18:59,747 --> 00:19:02,010
Get that bum outta there!
475
00:19:02,053 --> 00:19:04,447
I think that's gonna be
all for Don Newcombe.
476
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:07,015
It's about time.
He lost it two innings ago.
477
00:19:07,058 --> 00:19:09,539
And Ralph Branca makes that
long walk from the bullpen.
478
00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:13,108
Branca! Thank heaven!
Game's in the bag! [spits]
479
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,979
As Branca warms up,
480
00:19:15,023 --> 00:19:17,286
Bobby Thomson loosens up
in the on-deck circle.
481
00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:19,506
-Go get 'em, Bobby.
-Come on, Thomson!
482
00:19:19,549 --> 00:19:22,944
KLINGER: Thomson, hell!
Come on, Branca!
483
00:19:22,987 --> 00:19:26,165
Branca completes his warm-ups.
Thomson up there swinging.
484
00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:28,471
Cox tight on the bag
at third. Oh, boy.
485
00:19:28,515 --> 00:19:31,822
4-2, Dodgers. Bottom of
the ninth, one out, two on.
486
00:19:31,866 --> 00:19:34,477
-Here we go.
-Knock it down
his throat, Bobby!
487
00:19:34,521 --> 00:19:36,044
Father, is that nice?
488
00:19:36,087 --> 00:19:37,872
I got 10 smackers
riding on this.
489
00:19:37,915 --> 00:19:40,353
Bobby takes a strike call
on the inside corner.
490
00:19:40,396 --> 00:19:42,006
Kill the ump!
491
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:43,399
...comin' up there
with his best.
492
00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:45,793
God rest his soul.
493
00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:49,275
Splendid!
Two more, Ralphie baby!
494
00:19:49,318 --> 00:19:52,321
The check of the runners,
set, the pitch.
495
00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:54,628
-[bat strikes ball]
-Swung on! It's a long drive!
496
00:19:54,671 --> 00:19:57,587
It's gonna be-- I believe...
497
00:19:57,631 --> 00:20:01,287
The Giants win the pennant!
The Giants win the pennant!
498
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:05,421
-The Giants win the pennant!
-KLINGER: Oh, no!
499
00:20:05,465 --> 00:20:07,902
[all shouting, cheering]
500
00:20:09,947 --> 00:20:12,515
The Giants win the pennant!
The Giants win the pennant!
501
00:20:12,559 --> 00:20:15,649
[shouting]
502
00:20:15,692 --> 00:20:19,566
The Giants win the pennant!
The Giants win the pennant!
503
00:20:34,494 --> 00:20:36,452
-Hawk.
-Well?
504
00:20:36,496 --> 00:20:38,802
Potassium level down.
MPN level also down.
505
00:20:38,846 --> 00:20:42,023
-Congratulations.
It's a kidney.
-[both laughing]
506
00:20:42,066 --> 00:20:43,981
You are a soldier
of good fortune.
507
00:20:44,025 --> 00:20:46,245
Thanks to the brilliance of
a doctor who shall remain me,
508
00:20:46,288 --> 00:20:48,334
you are now well enough
to ship to Wonju,
509
00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:50,074
where they have
a kidney machine
510
00:20:50,118 --> 00:20:51,162
that doesn't look like it
was made by Mr. Wizard.
511
00:20:51,206 --> 00:20:52,599
And then you go home.
512
00:20:52,642 --> 00:20:54,992
Will I be home in time
for Thanksgiving?
513
00:20:55,036 --> 00:20:56,951
-Uh...
-Probably not.
514
00:20:56,994 --> 00:20:58,474
-But get a date
for New Year's Eve.
-Yeah.
515
00:20:58,518 --> 00:21:04,741
♪ For auld lang syne,
my dear ♪
516
00:21:04,785 --> 00:21:09,920
♪ For auld lang syne
517
00:21:09,964 --> 00:21:15,143
♪ We'll take a cup
of kindness yet ♪
518
00:21:15,186 --> 00:21:20,104
♪ For auld lang syne
519
00:21:20,148 --> 00:21:22,063
-[cheering]
-[horns tooting]
520
00:21:22,106 --> 00:21:24,761
[thumping]
521
00:21:24,805 --> 00:21:26,415
Hear ye, hear ye.
522
00:21:26,459 --> 00:21:29,070
[chattering, laughing]
523
00:21:29,113 --> 00:21:32,465
-[chattering, laughing stop]
-Here's to the New Year.
524
00:21:32,508 --> 00:21:36,991
May she be a damn sight
better than the old one.
525
00:21:37,034 --> 00:21:40,124
[voice quavering] And may we
all be home before she's over.
526
00:21:43,084 --> 00:21:44,912
ALL: Amen.
527
00:21:53,573 --> 00:21:56,184
[chattering, laughing resume]
528
00:22:11,895 --> 00:22:14,115
POTTER: Uh, boys and girls.
Boys and girls,
529
00:22:14,158 --> 00:22:15,943
I've got a little
surprise for you.
530
00:22:15,986 --> 00:22:18,424
I corralled some of
last year's news highlights
531
00:22:18,467 --> 00:22:19,555
from the home front.
532
00:22:19,599 --> 00:22:21,035
-[exclaiming]
-All right!
533
00:22:21,078 --> 00:22:22,558
Would somebody
douse the lights?
534
00:22:22,602 --> 00:22:23,994
Colonel.
535
00:22:25,474 --> 00:22:29,130
-Oh. Fine. Ah.
-[projector whirring]
536
00:22:29,173 --> 00:22:30,740
[all exclaiming]
537
00:22:30,784 --> 00:22:32,046
POTTER: The ball game,
538
00:22:32,089 --> 00:22:33,526
the one we won
all the money on.
539
00:22:33,569 --> 00:22:34,788
A check of the runners...
540
00:22:34,831 --> 00:22:36,398
Oh. See, we just heard it.
541
00:22:36,442 --> 00:22:39,749
Now we get a chance
to see it. Bobby Thomson.
542
00:22:39,793 --> 00:22:41,708
MULCAHY: Go ahead, Bobby!
Do your stuff!
543
00:22:41,751 --> 00:22:43,536
Swung on! It's a long drive!
544
00:22:43,579 --> 00:22:46,234
It's gonna be-- I believe...
545
00:22:46,277 --> 00:22:49,977
The Giants win the pennant!
The Giants win the pennant!
546
00:22:50,020 --> 00:22:52,022
The Giants win the pennant!
547
00:22:52,066 --> 00:22:55,983
The Giants win the pennant!
And they're going crazy!
548
00:22:56,026 --> 00:22:57,332
[Charles moaning]
549
00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:58,812
I don't believe it!
550
00:22:58,855 --> 00:23:03,469
[screaming]
551
00:23:03,512 --> 00:23:05,035
And the Giants
win the pennant!
552
00:23:05,079 --> 00:23:06,820
Where is that Lebanese
mongoose?
553
00:23:19,702 --> 00:23:21,574
♪♪ [theme]
41859
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