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00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:04,091
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:56,230
Four cartons of gauze.
3
00:00:56,273 --> 00:00:58,971
♪ Santa Gauze
is coming to town ♪
4
00:00:59,015 --> 00:01:00,930
48 boxes
of cotton balls.
5
00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:03,019
♪ Deck the halls
with balls of cotton ♪
6
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,673
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la
la, la, la, la ♪
7
00:01:04,716 --> 00:01:06,109
The day before Christmas,
8
00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:07,719
we're receiving the gift
of the magpies.
9
00:01:07,763 --> 00:01:09,591
-Ohh!
-Come, come, Doctors.
No fighting.
10
00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:12,115
After all,
there's a truce on.
11
00:01:12,159 --> 00:01:13,725
Why do you think
I'm so happy?
12
00:01:13,769 --> 00:01:15,118
The only surgery
I'll be doing is on a turkey.
13
00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:17,120
Yes, I'll be coming
to the mess tent
14
00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:18,991
for a prayer and a wing.
15
00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:20,428
[laughter]
16
00:01:20,471 --> 00:01:21,951
What's everybody
so happy about?
17
00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:23,996
Don't you know
it's Christmas?
18
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,520
CHARLES: Well, if it isn't
Santa's jolly little oaf.
19
00:01:25,563 --> 00:01:28,349
After a few days of dragging
Christmas packages around,
20
00:01:28,392 --> 00:01:30,133
let's see you be jolly, Roger.
21
00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:32,135
Now, if you want this junk,
listen up.
22
00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:33,745
Hunnicutt, B. J.
23
00:01:33,789 --> 00:01:35,617
Whoa! Airmail.
Surly delivery.
24
00:01:35,660 --> 00:01:37,140
Houlihan, Margaret.
25
00:01:37,184 --> 00:01:38,576
What do you got?
You got anything?
26
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,361
It must be cookies!
It even feels fattening!
27
00:01:40,404 --> 00:01:42,319
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
28
00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:43,929
What-What-What-What-What?
29
00:01:43,973 --> 00:01:46,323
Peg's mom's
second-finest creation:
30
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:49,065
-Her incredible,
world-famous fudge.
-Oh.
31
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,588
She treats me with
great confection.
32
00:01:50,632 --> 00:01:52,764
You got to put that
someplace safe, like my mouth.
33
00:01:52,808 --> 00:01:56,159
Here's a piece of resistance
for Major Winchester.
34
00:01:56,203 --> 00:01:58,205
It's the third one this week
marked "perishable."
35
00:01:58,248 --> 00:02:00,555
What is this?
A ton of pound cake?
36
00:02:00,598 --> 00:02:02,470
Klinger, you remind me
of Tiny Tim,
37
00:02:02,513 --> 00:02:04,428
except that it's
your brain that's lame.
38
00:02:04,472 --> 00:02:07,039
Excuse me, troops.
39
00:02:07,083 --> 00:02:10,347
I hate to hex your Xmas,
but I bring bad yule tidings.
40
00:02:10,391 --> 00:02:12,523
The supply convoy's
been hit by marauders.
41
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:14,090
Our turkey dinner's
been trimmed.
42
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,788
-B.J.: Come on.
-Stealing turkeys, that stinks.
43
00:02:16,832 --> 00:02:19,095
Don't those guys know
there's a war on that's off?
44
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,097
Afraid the best we can
look forward to
45
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,838
is roast leg of Spam.
46
00:02:22,881 --> 00:02:24,405
-Aw!
-I gave that up for the war.
47
00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:26,711
Please, please. Now,
while we're all busy
48
00:02:26,755 --> 00:02:28,322
feeling sorry
for ourselves,
49
00:02:28,365 --> 00:02:30,498
let me give you a little
food for thought.
50
00:02:30,541 --> 00:02:31,934
The ones
who'll really miss out
51
00:02:31,977 --> 00:02:34,589
will be our young guests
from the foster home.
52
00:02:34,632 --> 00:02:36,199
Sure. They'll come to
the party expecting turkey
53
00:02:36,243 --> 00:02:37,983
and end up with our
standard bill of unfair.
54
00:02:38,027 --> 00:02:40,290
Isn't it ironic?
They're the refugees,
55
00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:42,988
yet we get
the care packages.
56
00:02:43,032 --> 00:02:44,207
They can have my cookies.
57
00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:45,991
Very sweet, Margaret.
58
00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:48,124
They can have my niece's
sugar-cured ham.
59
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:50,561
I don't need any more air
in my spare tire.
60
00:02:50,605 --> 00:02:52,824
I must have something
back in my footlocker.
61
00:02:52,868 --> 00:02:55,000
Better chip in
than chipped beef, huh?
62
00:02:55,044 --> 00:02:56,872
Uh, you...
63
00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:58,352
Ah, fudge.
64
00:02:58,395 --> 00:02:59,788
Yeah, they can have this.
65
00:02:59,831 --> 00:03:01,093
I'll just eat my heart out.
66
00:03:01,137 --> 00:03:03,052
Beej, you get
the Noble Prize.
67
00:03:03,095 --> 00:03:04,967
We got the makings
of a great buffet,
68
00:03:05,010 --> 00:03:07,970
just like the smorgasbord
down at the Kiwanis back home.
69
00:03:08,013 --> 00:03:10,059
Klinger, I'm appointing
you chairman
70
00:03:10,102 --> 00:03:12,235
of the food procurement
committee.
71
00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:14,324
You get out and canvass
all the tents.
72
00:03:14,368 --> 00:03:16,326
Tell 'em to give
till it hurts.
73
00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:19,024
-[wind whistling]
-This Christmas schlepping
is killing me.
74
00:03:19,068 --> 00:03:20,417
You put your goodies
in that sack,
75
00:03:20,461 --> 00:03:22,376
I'll put my goodies
in this sack.
76
00:03:22,419 --> 00:03:23,986
Don't look at me.
I gave at the office.
Talk to them.
77
00:03:24,029 --> 00:03:27,207
Okay, okay.
Let's see what I got here.
78
00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:29,426
A quart of Old Grand-Dad
from my grand old dad.
79
00:03:31,036 --> 00:03:32,995
Some fruitcake from
my nutty aunt Sarah.
80
00:03:33,038 --> 00:03:34,910
I'll take the cake.
You keep your
Christmas spirits.
81
00:03:34,953 --> 00:03:36,477
I'll drink to that.
82
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,174
And now, from the man
who has everything--
83
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,089
I know, because I
personally delivered it.
84
00:03:40,132 --> 00:03:41,438
Always ready to do my part.
85
00:03:41,482 --> 00:03:43,397
There you are,
my swarthy Samaritan.
86
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,268
What's this?
87
00:03:45,312 --> 00:03:48,532
These, Corporal, are smoked
and succulent oysters.
88
00:03:48,576 --> 00:03:49,707
Not a whole lot to suck on.
89
00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:51,274
Klinger,
remember the old adage.
90
00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,320
It's not the size of the gift.
It's the cost.
91
00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:55,060
HAWKEYE:
You must be kidding.
92
00:03:55,104 --> 00:03:56,801
You got three great
big packages this week,
93
00:03:56,845 --> 00:03:57,933
and all you're
comin' up with
94
00:03:57,976 --> 00:03:59,064
are a few oysters,
Rockefeller?
95
00:03:59,108 --> 00:04:00,718
They were all clothing.
96
00:04:00,762 --> 00:04:02,285
All chintz, I'm sure.
97
00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:03,895
Since when do they mark
clothing "perishable"?
98
00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:06,811
Gentlemen, my business
is just that: mine.
99
00:04:06,855 --> 00:04:09,161
I demand that you terminate
this swinish inquisition.
100
00:04:09,205 --> 00:04:12,034
-We'll terminate you if
you don't come up with--
-Please! Please!
101
00:04:12,077 --> 00:04:13,514
I'm sure Major Winchester
102
00:04:13,557 --> 00:04:15,429
must have a very good reason
for what he's doing.
103
00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:18,214
-Yeah.
-He's a cheap,
selfish skunk-- sir.
104
00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:36,188
Sergeant Rizzo, I need
to sign out that jeep.
S-- Sergeant Rizzo.
105
00:04:36,232 --> 00:04:39,540
It's the timing.
The timing is off.
106
00:04:39,583 --> 00:04:43,544
-Well, I'm sure you could
fix it in your sleep.
-Well, well.
107
00:04:43,587 --> 00:04:46,329
If it isn't the spirit
of Christmas hisself.
108
00:04:46,373 --> 00:04:50,115
-Good news travels fast.
-The word is the rich
get richer
109
00:04:50,159 --> 00:04:52,640
and the poor get oysters.
110
00:04:52,683 --> 00:04:57,122
-Sergeant, about the jeep--
-No problem. No problem, Major.
111
00:04:57,166 --> 00:04:59,864
-I'm sure you have
your DR-3.
-DR-who?
112
00:04:59,908 --> 00:05:04,608
-The authorization form.
It means you got permission.
-I know what it means.
113
00:05:04,652 --> 00:05:07,307
In triplicate,
signed by the president
of your fan club
114
00:05:07,350 --> 00:05:09,396
and our company clerk.
115
00:05:09,439 --> 00:05:12,573
-Sergeant, surely we can
overlook the--
-Oh, no, no. Mm-mmm, Major.
116
00:05:12,616 --> 00:05:14,836
No. Just because
I don't read too good
117
00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:18,405
doesn't mean that I don't do
things by the book.
118
00:05:18,448 --> 00:05:22,452
Sergeant, perhaps I can appeal
to your more masculine
instincts.
119
00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:25,760
-Come again?
-I need the jeep
for an assignation.
120
00:05:25,803 --> 00:05:28,066
You gonna kill somebody?
121
00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:30,982
[grunts] A tryst,
a rendezvous.
122
00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:35,900
-Date.
-Ohh.
123
00:05:35,944 --> 00:05:39,556
Oh-ho-ho. I get it.
124
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:42,472
A word to the wives
is efficient, huh?
125
00:05:42,516 --> 00:05:44,387
[both laughing]
126
00:05:44,431 --> 00:05:46,694
Precisely. I'm sure that a man
of the world such as yourself...
127
00:05:46,737 --> 00:05:49,218
Enough said. Enough said.
You cheap rascal.
128
00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:52,308
-You're saving your yummies
for some babe.
-[laughs deviously]
129
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:55,920
-You are a crumb,
but I respect you for it.
-Good.
130
00:05:55,964 --> 00:05:58,793
Just, uh... Just let me know
if she's got a friend.
131
00:05:58,836 --> 00:06:02,362
Will do, sport.
Maybe we can double sometime.
132
00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:04,059
Hey, yeah!
133
00:06:04,102 --> 00:06:07,149
♪♪ [Klinger Humming
"Twelve Days Of Christmas"]
134
00:06:10,239 --> 00:06:13,373
POTTER: Klinger, do you have
a needle and thread handy?
135
00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:16,071
Uh, should be here
somewhere, sir. What's up?
136
00:06:16,114 --> 00:06:17,289
What's down is the problem.
137
00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:19,553
The suit I can stuff
with pillows,
138
00:06:19,596 --> 00:06:22,207
but I'd have to have a head
the size of MacArthur's
139
00:06:22,251 --> 00:06:24,340
to hold up this
Kris Kringle cap.
140
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,690
-Be right with you, sir.
-[sniffing]
141
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:28,431
Every time I sniff this room,
142
00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:31,086
I feel like I've died
and gone to the A&P.
143
00:06:31,129 --> 00:06:32,914
Oh, thank you, son.
144
00:06:32,957 --> 00:06:34,959
Now, would you be Santa's helper
and thread this for me?
145
00:06:35,003 --> 00:06:36,221
-Mm-hmm.
-Seems like they're
146
00:06:36,265 --> 00:06:37,832
making these holes
smaller every year.
147
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:39,573
What are elves for, sir?
148
00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:41,531
[Humming
"12 Days of Christmas"]
149
00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:43,968
Christmas carols! I love 'em.
150
00:06:44,012 --> 00:06:46,318
We gotta do some of that
at the party tomorrow.
151
00:06:46,362 --> 00:06:48,495
Way ahead of you, sir.
That's why I've been
writing down the words.
152
00:06:48,538 --> 00:06:51,498
I'm gonna make copies for
everybody. It's amazing
153
00:06:51,541 --> 00:06:54,457
how many of the old holiday
songs I remember by heart.
154
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:57,025
"Three French horns,
two turtlenecks,
155
00:06:57,068 --> 00:07:00,115
and a partridge
in a pair of trees."
156
00:07:00,158 --> 00:07:02,247
You're right.
It is amazing.
157
00:07:37,326 --> 00:07:39,763
-Uh--
-May I help you, sir?
158
00:07:39,807 --> 00:07:45,073
Uh, Uh, no, no. Uh, I'm just
a friend from the 4077th.
159
00:07:45,116 --> 00:07:48,903
Oh, yes.
The children in my care
160
00:07:48,946 --> 00:07:50,470
are invited to your camp
tomorrow.
161
00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:52,428
-Yes.
-Is there a problem?
162
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:56,954
No, no. I'd-- I brought these
for the children.
163
00:07:56,998 --> 00:07:59,174
You are very kind, Major--
164
00:07:59,217 --> 00:08:00,567
Winchester III.
165
00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:04,135
And I am Choi Sung Ho.
166
00:08:04,179 --> 00:08:06,834
Oh. [chuckles softly]
167
00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:09,793
"Wallingford and Chadwick,
Confectioners."
168
00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:13,101
Yes, these are very special.
169
00:08:13,144 --> 00:08:15,886
They're hand-poured
by the finest chocolatiers
in Boston.
170
00:08:15,930 --> 00:08:18,149
We are very grateful.
Oh, please come in.
171
00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:20,630
Allow the children
to show their appreciation.
172
00:08:20,674 --> 00:08:23,024
No, no. You don't understand.
173
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:24,199
I cannot.
174
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:31,902
I'm sorry.
See, on Christmas Eve,
175
00:08:31,946 --> 00:08:33,600
it's a tradition in my family
176
00:08:33,643 --> 00:08:37,865
to leave this particular gift
at places like this.
177
00:08:37,908 --> 00:08:39,562
But part of the custom
also holds
178
00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:41,869
that for it to be
a true act of charity,
179
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:44,436
the gift must remain
anonymous.
180
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:48,136
Ahh. That is a lovely thought.
181
00:08:48,179 --> 00:08:50,834
You have practiced this
for many years?
182
00:08:50,878 --> 00:08:53,924
Oh, my. Yes.
183
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:56,971
Some of my earliest
recollections of childhood
184
00:08:57,014 --> 00:08:59,800
are associated with it.
185
00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:01,279
I still remember being
186
00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:04,848
with my mother, father,
and sister Honoria,
187
00:09:04,892 --> 00:09:06,937
and watching, fascinated,
188
00:09:06,981 --> 00:09:11,899
as Mr. Wallingford
hand-wrapped each morsel,
189
00:09:11,942 --> 00:09:14,075
and then later,
190
00:09:14,118 --> 00:09:18,775
wiping a peephole
in the auto's frosted window
191
00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:21,778
and watching my father
quickly leave the packages.
192
00:09:24,346 --> 00:09:26,914
I mean, we can't have
the little urchins
193
00:09:26,957 --> 00:09:28,568
begging in the street,
now can we?
194
00:09:31,135 --> 00:09:33,137
Remember.
195
00:09:33,181 --> 00:09:34,269
Not a word.
196
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,620
Not a word.
197
00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:40,231
Well, I hope you know
you're ruining it for
the rest of us.
198
00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:44,714
-What?
-Santa will never show up
while you're awake. Silly guy.
199
00:09:44,758 --> 00:09:46,629
Don't you know you're supposed
to be asleep,
200
00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:48,718
with visions of sugarplums
dancing in your head?
201
00:09:48,762 --> 00:09:50,285
You call yourself a WASP.
202
00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:52,940
I been doin' this ever
since I was a kid.
203
00:09:52,983 --> 00:09:56,378
Something magic about Christmas.
You never outgrow the memories.
204
00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:59,990
My family always used
to put up a nativity scene.
205
00:10:00,034 --> 00:10:02,863
One year, I got this great set
of electric trains.
206
00:10:02,906 --> 00:10:04,778
I laid the track
all around the village,
207
00:10:04,821 --> 00:10:07,345
put the three wise men
in the caboose.
208
00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:11,872
I was the conductor.
"Next stop: Bethlehem."
209
00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:14,178
When I was a kid,
my father would lift
me on his shoulders
210
00:10:14,222 --> 00:10:17,181
to put the Christmas angel
on top.
211
00:10:17,225 --> 00:10:19,270
Course, he lost that job
by the time I was 11.
212
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:24,014
This would've been
Erin's first year
on my shoulders.
213
00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:27,365
[sighs]
214
00:10:27,409 --> 00:10:30,804
That's okay, Beej.
We'll get 'em next year.
215
00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:33,807
-Hey. Here they come.
-Now we can start the party.
216
00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:37,375
-WOMAN: Merry Christmas, kids!
-[soldiers chattering]
217
00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:39,595
-Merry Christmas!
-Merry Christmas!
218
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,292
MULCAHY: Welcome, Mr. Choi.
219
00:10:41,336 --> 00:10:43,468
Merry Christmas to you
and to your children.
220
00:10:43,512 --> 00:10:44,687
Thank you, Father.
221
00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:46,776
We are most grateful
for your invitation.
222
00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:48,691
It is we who are in your debt.
223
00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:50,911
After all, what's Christmas
without children?
224
00:10:50,954 --> 00:10:53,435
Hey, come on, kids!
It's party time!
225
00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:55,480
Wait'll you see what Santa
brought you. Come on.
226
00:10:55,524 --> 00:10:56,830
Come on.
227
00:10:57,918 --> 00:10:58,875
What's the matter?
228
00:10:58,919 --> 00:11:01,922
[speaking Korean]
229
00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:04,881
Please forgive them.
No matter what I tell them,
230
00:11:04,925 --> 00:11:07,362
they're still
afraid of uniforms.
231
00:11:07,405 --> 00:11:10,931
Yeah. I know what you mean.
Uniforms scare me too.
232
00:11:10,974 --> 00:11:12,454
I'll get rid of this!
233
00:11:12,497 --> 00:11:14,674
I even get nervous
around movie ushers.
234
00:11:14,717 --> 00:11:16,806
You don't believe me?
Ask anybody.
235
00:11:16,850 --> 00:11:18,852
I've been trying to get
out of this outfit
236
00:11:18,895 --> 00:11:20,897
ever since I got
into this outfit.
237
00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:23,421
The only trouble is once you
get out of the green,
238
00:11:23,465 --> 00:11:25,380
you start turning blue.
239
00:11:25,423 --> 00:11:29,036
-[all giggling]
-[speaking Korean]
240
00:11:29,079 --> 00:11:32,517
All right, children.
Let's all have some fun!
241
00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:33,518
Come on! Come on!
242
00:11:33,562 --> 00:11:35,346
[All Chattering]
243
00:11:35,390 --> 00:11:36,739
[Mulcahy Shouting
In Korean]
244
00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:37,871
[Klinger] Give me a kid
245
00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:39,655
and let me get
into the mess tent.
246
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:43,006
-Give me a small one.
-[horn honking]
247
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:46,053
[chattering continues]
248
00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:48,055
KLINGER:
I'll take that one.
249
00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:49,578
Come on, Hawk. Let's go
250
00:11:49,621 --> 00:11:50,971
before they run
out of powdered eggnog.
251
00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:52,755
All right! All right!
Don't rush me!
252
00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:54,148
I barely had time
to put on my face.
253
00:11:54,191 --> 00:11:55,584
MARGARET: Doctors!
254
00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:58,021
Why, Margaret, you're
a sight for four eyes.
255
00:11:58,065 --> 00:11:59,414
Come on.
We've got trouble.
256
00:11:59,457 --> 00:12:00,894
Somebody's
been hit by a sniper.
257
00:12:00,937 --> 00:12:02,373
That lousy snipers' union.
258
00:12:02,417 --> 00:12:03,853
They don't even
get Christmas off.
259
00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,333
HAWKEYE:
What is it? What happened?
260
00:12:05,376 --> 00:12:06,900
I found him by
the side of the road.
261
00:12:06,943 --> 00:12:08,510
I don't even know
how long he was there.
262
00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:09,990
Sorry to ruin
your holiday, folks.
263
00:12:10,033 --> 00:12:11,469
Forget ours.
His is shot to hell.
264
00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:12,601
Let's get him into pre-op.
265
00:12:12,644 --> 00:12:14,472
-Can I help?
-Yeah.
266
00:12:14,516 --> 00:12:15,909
Hey, folks, what do you say
we keep the noise down?
267
00:12:15,952 --> 00:12:17,345
There's a party going on
in the next tent.
268
00:12:17,388 --> 00:12:18,999
See these?
269
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:21,044
They're Kellye's
Munchable Macadamias.
270
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,699
Mmm. Try some. Mmm.
271
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:27,398
Go ahead. They're Hawaiian
peanuts. Mmm.
272
00:12:27,442 --> 00:12:28,835
-Try it. Try it.
-Are they good?
273
00:12:28,878 --> 00:12:30,532
Oh, and of course,
274
00:12:30,575 --> 00:12:32,795
we have a second course,
which is--
275
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,971
Rizzo, what is this?
276
00:12:35,015 --> 00:12:37,757
Come on, Klinger.
You gotta be
pullin' my leg.
277
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,541
No. I'm holdin' my stomach.
278
00:12:39,584 --> 00:12:41,412
You tellin' me
you hadn't ever seen
279
00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:43,719
hog jowls
and pigs' feet?
280
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,939
This is the best
of the bayou.
281
00:12:45,982 --> 00:12:48,550
Maybe you don't appreciate
a little heaven on the hoof,
282
00:12:48,593 --> 00:12:49,986
but I know
these kids will.
283
00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:51,553
Here you go.
284
00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:54,077
Must be from North Korea.
285
00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:57,167
Ahh, here's something.
286
00:12:57,211 --> 00:13:01,998
A tiny tin of oysters donated
by Charles Ebenezer Winchester.
287
00:13:02,042 --> 00:13:04,435
He understands less about
Christmas than you do.
288
00:13:05,610 --> 00:13:06,960
Hold it.
289
00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:10,398
You ever eat the eraser
off of a pencil?
290
00:13:10,441 --> 00:13:14,619
They're blech!
Can you say "blech"?
291
00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:16,578
Blech!
292
00:13:16,621 --> 00:13:19,015
Very good.
All together now.
293
00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:20,625
Blech!
294
00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:21,844
How's his pulse?
295
00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:22,932
Thready. Not good.
296
00:13:22,976 --> 00:13:24,499
I'll get the plasma.
297
00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:26,675
Forget it, Margaret.
That won't do any good.
298
00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:29,896
No hope. Bullet must have
destroyed his brain stem.
299
00:13:29,939 --> 00:13:32,550
-[sighs] Oh, God.
-What?
300
00:13:32,594 --> 00:13:35,858
"To the best husband and daddy
in the world. Come home soon.
301
00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:38,078
We love you.
Scott, Jeannie and Lynn."
302
00:13:45,128 --> 00:13:47,261
Margaret, set up
two units of plasma.
303
00:13:47,304 --> 00:13:48,958
What for?
It's a waste of time.
304
00:13:49,002 --> 00:13:50,133
Doctor, if there's no point--
305
00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:52,092
If we can delay it
long enough,
306
00:13:52,135 --> 00:13:53,789
his kids won't have
to think of Christmas
307
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,051
as the day their daddy died.
308
00:14:01,449 --> 00:14:03,668
What do you say we bring this
baby in for a landing? Refuel!
309
00:14:03,712 --> 00:14:06,584
Here you go! Cookies baked
in the good old U.S. of A.
310
00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,499
These are really
delicious.
311
00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:10,371
Delicious? Oh, say it again.
312
00:14:10,414 --> 00:14:12,112
-It'll be another year
before I hear that word.
-Are they good?
313
00:14:12,155 --> 00:14:14,549
Sorry, Major. We're running
a little low on these.
314
00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:17,900
Why don't you belly up
to the oyster bar?
315
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:20,642
Hey, Romeo.
316
00:14:20,685 --> 00:14:22,949
Well, if it isn't
the popular mechanic.
317
00:14:22,992 --> 00:14:25,560
Hey, how'd your little
romantic assassination go?
318
00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:26,561
Oh, the date?
319
00:14:26,604 --> 00:14:28,041
-Ohh.
-Oh, yeah.
320
00:14:28,084 --> 00:14:29,433
Where did you get that?
321
00:14:29,477 --> 00:14:31,435
The arm? It's mine.
I swear it.
322
00:14:31,479 --> 00:14:34,308
No, no. The chocolate bar,
you chicken-fried snake!
323
00:14:34,351 --> 00:14:36,136
-I bought it this morning.
-From whom?
324
00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:39,530
A guy came in from Seoul.
He got it on the black market.
325
00:14:39,574 --> 00:14:42,794
-Black market?
-Yeah.
326
00:14:42,838 --> 00:14:44,187
You want some?
I'll get you some.
327
00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:46,929
Free. Free. All you want.
Just let me live.
328
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:47,887
Give me that.
329
00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:52,021
Hello, my little friend.
330
00:14:52,065 --> 00:14:53,544
Hello, Joe.
331
00:14:53,588 --> 00:14:55,895
Ooh, good!
You speak English. Tell me,
332
00:14:55,938 --> 00:14:57,897
did you get any nice
presents for Christmas?
333
00:14:57,940 --> 00:15:00,769
A dolly or train
or candy bar?
334
00:15:00,812 --> 00:15:04,512
Oh, yes. Number-one
good B.J. fudge candy.
335
00:15:04,555 --> 00:15:06,035
Oh. Anything else?
336
00:15:06,079 --> 00:15:09,473
Rubber oyster things. Blech!
337
00:15:09,517 --> 00:15:12,302
[chuckles]
Did you get any other candy,
338
00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:16,437
something like this, perhaps,
here or at Mr. Choi's?
339
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:17,525
No.
340
00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:18,961
What about your
little friends?
341
00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:20,528
Nope.
342
00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:22,486
I see.
343
00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:24,271
Here you are, little one.
344
00:15:24,314 --> 00:15:27,187
If you'll excuse me,
I'm going to mingle now.
345
00:15:27,230 --> 00:15:29,580
He lettered in basketball
at Central High.
346
00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:35,586
"Denny and Lynn 4-ever.
347
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:38,415
"Funland Arcade.
348
00:15:38,459 --> 00:15:41,810
Gouldsboro, PA.
August '47."
349
00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:45,074
On the back, there's
a four-leaf clover.
350
00:15:45,118 --> 00:15:46,858
Not valid outside the U.S.A.
351
00:15:46,902 --> 00:15:48,599
His respirations
are getting very shallow.
352
00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:49,949
His rate is down
to six per minute.
353
00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:51,298
Set up the twist drill,
Margaret.
354
00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:56,085
Some burr holes may ease
the intercranial pressure.
355
00:15:56,129 --> 00:15:57,782
Hang on, Flannigan. Hang on.
356
00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:03,310
I was hoping somebody forgot
to turn off the lights.
357
00:16:03,353 --> 00:16:05,007
Looks like I was wrong.
358
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,661
A driver found him
beside the road, Colonel.
359
00:16:06,704 --> 00:16:08,010
That's all we know for sure.
360
00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:09,359
We figure the three of us
can handle it.
361
00:16:09,403 --> 00:16:10,970
No point pooping
everybody's party.
362
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,406
How bad is he?
363
00:16:12,449 --> 00:16:14,451
-He's doin' okay.
-No chance.
364
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:18,499
Little conflict
in diagnosis here.
365
00:16:24,331 --> 00:16:26,768
You wouldn't lie
to Santa, would you, son?
366
00:16:26,811 --> 00:16:29,727
A family's Christmas wreath
should be green, not black.
367
00:16:29,771 --> 00:16:31,425
He dies on Christmas,
they have to live with it.
368
00:16:31,468 --> 00:16:33,209
I get the picture,
369
00:16:33,253 --> 00:16:35,472
but you're talkin' hours,
pretty long odds.
370
00:16:35,516 --> 00:16:36,734
He's in good hands,
Colonel.
371
00:16:36,778 --> 00:16:38,606
We got our best people
working on it.
372
00:16:40,477 --> 00:16:42,436
If you three
don't take the cake.
373
00:16:46,092 --> 00:16:47,789
Should anyone ask,
I'll tell 'em
374
00:16:47,832 --> 00:16:49,573
you're workin' on a special
Christmas present
375
00:16:49,617 --> 00:16:51,010
for some kids back home.
376
00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:58,060
There you are,
you mendacious lowlife!
377
00:16:58,104 --> 00:16:59,583
I don't understand.
378
00:16:59,627 --> 00:17:01,063
Don't play
the innocent with me.
379
00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:03,631
How dare you steal candy
from babies?
380
00:17:03,674 --> 00:17:04,762
Please, Major.
381
00:17:06,286 --> 00:17:07,939
May we step outside?
382
00:17:07,983 --> 00:17:10,812
You took the words right
out of my mouth. Go ahead.
383
00:17:10,855 --> 00:17:12,205
Go on.
384
00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:18,733
Deny it.
Deny it, if you can.
385
00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:20,517
You took the Christmas
candy I gave you,
386
00:17:20,561 --> 00:17:21,953
and you sold it
on the black market.
387
00:17:21,997 --> 00:17:24,130
-Have you no shame?
-May I explain?
388
00:17:24,173 --> 00:17:26,784
No! What you may do
is retrieve that candy
immediately
389
00:17:26,828 --> 00:17:28,569
and have it in the children's
stockings by morning.
390
00:17:28,612 --> 00:17:29,961
Otherwise,
they're gonna find you
391
00:17:30,005 --> 00:17:31,137
hanging by the chimney
without care!
392
00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:33,182
Major, I cannot.
The money is gone.
393
00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:35,750
You parasite!
394
00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:37,621
♪ Jingle bells,
jingle all the way ♪
395
00:17:37,665 --> 00:17:39,449
Please.
Your generous gift
396
00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:42,409
and insistence
that it remain anonymous
397
00:17:42,452 --> 00:17:44,237
-touched me deeply.
-Huh.
398
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,195
The candy would've
brought great joy
399
00:17:46,239 --> 00:17:48,371
to the children
for a few moments,
400
00:17:48,415 --> 00:17:50,199
but on the black market,
401
00:17:50,243 --> 00:17:52,636
it was worth enough
rice and cabbage
402
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,682
to feed them for a month.
403
00:17:54,725 --> 00:17:56,988
Rice and cabbage?
404
00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:59,774
I know. I have failed
405
00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:01,993
to carry out
your family tradition,
406
00:18:02,037 --> 00:18:03,473
and I am very sorry.
407
00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:06,607
On the contrary.
408
00:18:08,261 --> 00:18:10,480
It is I who should be sorry.
409
00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:13,004
It is sadly inappropriate
410
00:18:13,048 --> 00:18:15,094
to give dessert to a child
who's had no meal.
411
00:18:18,445 --> 00:18:21,883
Shall we share some,
as you say, Christmas cheer?
412
00:18:21,926 --> 00:18:23,493
[chuckles] No.
413
00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:27,932
Thank you. Please go ahead.
414
00:18:27,976 --> 00:18:31,371
-Okay. Ready?
-[chattering]
415
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:54,872
Ho ho ho!
416
00:18:54,916 --> 00:18:57,353
-Merry Christmas!
-Santa Claus!
417
00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:59,921
-Merry Christmas!
-I told you Santa Claus
would get here!
418
00:18:59,964 --> 00:19:02,619
He was just making his list
and checking it twice.
419
00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:04,447
There's one for you and you.
420
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,536
Remember? I told you he lives
way up at the North Pole.
421
00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:08,277
Father,
get your prayer kit
422
00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:10,192
and high tail it over
to pre-op. Mum's the word.
423
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:12,063
Of course, Colonel.
424
00:19:12,107 --> 00:19:14,544
Excuse me.
Coming through.
Excuse me.
425
00:19:16,024 --> 00:19:17,678
Well, well, well.
426
00:19:17,721 --> 00:19:19,593
Have you been
a good little boy?
427
00:19:19,636 --> 00:19:21,856
Same.
428
00:19:21,899 --> 00:19:23,640
My Lord, does it never stop?
429
00:19:23,684 --> 00:19:25,207
You're just in time,
Father.
430
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:26,861
It's that bad?
431
00:19:26,904 --> 00:19:28,819
He's comin' up.
The burr holes helped.
432
00:19:28,863 --> 00:19:30,995
-What's his blood pressure?
-90 over 60.
433
00:19:31,039 --> 00:19:32,910
Attaboy, Flannigan.
I knew you could do it.
434
00:19:32,954 --> 00:19:34,390
-Time?
-9:48.
435
00:19:34,434 --> 00:19:36,131
Still a long way to go, Beej.
436
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,915
He'll make it. Come on,
Irish. Stay with me.
437
00:19:37,959 --> 00:19:40,004
He's stopped breathing.
438
00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:41,789
Come on, damn you. Fight!
439
00:19:41,832 --> 00:19:43,486
Beej, how much fight
can he have left in him?
440
00:19:43,530 --> 00:19:45,096
-Excuse me, B.J.
-No.
441
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:47,098
-I beg your pardon?
-You can't have him yet.
442
00:19:47,142 --> 00:19:49,144
But I have
to administer the--
443
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,885
He's still mine!
You're not gonna pull
a shroud over him!
444
00:19:50,928 --> 00:19:52,626
-Beej, easy.
-B.J.
445
00:19:52,669 --> 00:19:54,802
I'm not pulling
the shroud over him, B.J.
446
00:19:54,845 --> 00:19:56,673
I'm going to administer
the last rites.
447
00:19:56,717 --> 00:19:58,240
Sorry, Father.
It's been a long night.
448
00:19:58,284 --> 00:19:59,502
Let the man do his job.
449
00:19:59,546 --> 00:20:01,678
I said no! Not now.
450
00:20:01,722 --> 00:20:03,767
Listen to me, B.J.
451
00:20:03,811 --> 00:20:05,204
I try to stay out of the way
452
00:20:05,247 --> 00:20:07,858
because what you people
do here is so important,
453
00:20:07,902 --> 00:20:09,773
but understand,
at a time like this,
454
00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:12,515
what I have to do
is just as important.
455
00:20:12,559 --> 00:20:15,518
And no one,
not you nor anyone else,
456
00:20:15,562 --> 00:20:16,867
is going to stand between me
457
00:20:16,911 --> 00:20:19,043
and the performance
of my sacred office.
458
00:20:23,004 --> 00:20:24,179
I'm sorry, Father.
459
00:20:26,181 --> 00:20:30,098
Ah, Major Winchester,
the party of one.
460
00:20:30,141 --> 00:20:32,187
Dinner is served.
461
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:33,362
What is this?
462
00:20:33,406 --> 00:20:35,234
Well, let me see.
For your appetizer,
463
00:20:35,277 --> 00:20:36,974
the last of the macadamias,
464
00:20:37,018 --> 00:20:40,891
followed by a mixed grill
465
00:20:40,935 --> 00:20:43,067
of Lebanese salami,
sugar-cured ham,
466
00:20:43,111 --> 00:20:44,634
pigs' feet, and hog jowls.
467
00:20:44,678 --> 00:20:46,723
We have seconds on those.
468
00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:48,899
Sorry, sir.
No smoked oysters.
469
00:20:48,943 --> 00:20:50,901
I just smoked
the last one.
470
00:20:50,945 --> 00:20:53,730
-But I,
-Ah, and for dessert...
471
00:20:53,774 --> 00:20:56,559
Frisco fudge
and nutty fruitcake.
472
00:20:56,603 --> 00:20:58,561
All laced with hemlock,
I'm sure.
473
00:20:58,605 --> 00:21:00,389
Sorry, sir. No hemlock.
474
00:21:00,433 --> 00:21:02,783
But I can get you
some ketchup.
475
00:21:02,826 --> 00:21:05,829
And what, pray tell,
is the catch of the day?
476
00:21:05,873 --> 00:21:07,657
Oh, just one catch, Major.
477
00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:08,963
Uh-huh.
478
00:21:09,006 --> 00:21:10,617
The source of this
Christmas dinner
479
00:21:10,660 --> 00:21:13,097
must remain anonymous.
480
00:21:13,141 --> 00:21:14,621
It's an old family tradition.
481
00:21:21,628 --> 00:21:23,325
Thank you, Max.
482
00:21:23,369 --> 00:21:26,720
Merry Christmas, Charles.
483
00:21:32,247 --> 00:21:34,858
I'm still getting a pulse,
but it's awfully thready.
484
00:21:34,902 --> 00:21:37,208
-What time is it?
-11:25.
485
00:21:37,252 --> 00:21:39,080
Come on, kid.
We're almost there.
486
00:21:42,083 --> 00:21:43,911
No pulse.
487
00:21:43,954 --> 00:21:45,565
Come on.
488
00:21:48,089 --> 00:21:49,220
I'm not getting anything.
489
00:21:49,264 --> 00:21:50,657
Come on.
490
00:21:53,094 --> 00:21:55,052
Nothing.
491
00:21:55,096 --> 00:21:56,793
Adrenaline.
1 to 10,000.
492
00:21:56,837 --> 00:21:57,751
No.
493
00:21:59,927 --> 00:22:01,798
It's over. Let him--
Let him rest.
494
00:22:05,715 --> 00:22:07,195
[sighs]
495
00:22:11,373 --> 00:22:14,115
Never fails to astonish me.
496
00:22:14,158 --> 00:22:17,292
You're alive, you're dead.
497
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:22,079
No drums. No flashing lights.
498
00:22:22,123 --> 00:22:24,908
No fanfare. You're just dead.
499
00:22:27,084 --> 00:22:28,912
I'll get the death
certificate.
500
00:22:48,062 --> 00:22:49,542
Look. He made it.
501
00:22:49,585 --> 00:22:52,980
Time of death:
12:05, December 26.
502
00:22:54,982 --> 00:22:56,505
Falsify a record.
503
00:22:56,549 --> 00:22:58,551
Christmas should
be thought of
504
00:22:58,594 --> 00:22:59,813
as a day of birth.
505
00:23:02,250 --> 00:23:03,730
That'll be a first for me.
506
00:23:03,773 --> 00:23:05,862
War is full of firsts.
507
00:23:05,906 --> 00:23:07,429
And lasts.
508
00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:18,571
♪ Long lay the world
509
00:23:18,614 --> 00:23:22,705
♪ In sin and error pining
510
00:23:28,972 --> 00:23:33,107
Ho-ho-hold it
right there.
511
00:23:33,150 --> 00:23:35,326
Well, well, well.
512
00:23:35,370 --> 00:23:37,154
Santa happens to know
513
00:23:37,198 --> 00:23:40,331
you've been very good
boys and girls today,
514
00:23:40,375 --> 00:23:42,116
and because of that,
515
00:23:42,159 --> 00:23:44,248
we've got a special
present for ya.
516
00:23:44,292 --> 00:23:45,424
Elf?
517
00:23:47,338 --> 00:23:48,731
Fudge.
518
00:23:48,775 --> 00:23:51,125
All the way
from Mill Valley, California.
519
00:23:51,168 --> 00:23:52,213
Last four pieces.
520
00:23:52,256 --> 00:23:56,304
♪ Sleep in heavenly
521
00:23:56,347 --> 00:23:58,132
-Merry Christmas.
-♪ Peace ♪
522
00:23:58,175 --> 00:23:59,742
Merry Christmas.
523
00:23:59,786 --> 00:24:02,615
♪ Sleep
524
00:24:02,658 --> 00:24:08,142
♪ In heavenly peace
525
00:24:12,015 --> 00:24:13,713
♪♪ [theme]
38659
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