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♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:57,535
Oh.
[grunts]
3
00:00:57,579 --> 00:00:59,407
[thunder]
4
00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:03,672
I don't wanna say
it's wet out,
5
00:01:03,715 --> 00:01:06,457
but on the way over, I saw
a duck carrying an umbrella.
6
00:01:06,501 --> 00:01:10,244
-Must've been cold duck.
-Aw, four days of drizzles
ain't diddly.
7
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One time in W.W. First,
8
00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:15,858
it poured cats and dachshunds
for 37 straight days.
9
00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:18,252
The whole platoon went
skinny-dippin' in the trenches.
10
00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:20,515
CHARLES:
Colonel, I find no humor
11
00:01:20,558 --> 00:01:22,517
either in abominable weather
or abominable anecdotes.
12
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MARGARET:
Everything stinks.
13
00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:28,566
That dismal gray sky is a
perfect match for my mood
and my breakfast.
14
00:01:28,610 --> 00:01:31,003
Especially the breakfast.
15
00:01:31,047 --> 00:01:34,529
Serving cold cuts in this
weather is a devilish
deed indeed.
16
00:01:34,572 --> 00:01:36,922
♪♪ [Klinger singing]
17
00:01:36,966 --> 00:01:40,796
♪ Zip-a-dee-ay, my, oh, my,
what a wonderful day ♪
18
00:01:40,839 --> 00:01:43,842
Ain't this weather aces?
It reminds me of a summer
Sunday in Toledo.
19
00:01:43,886 --> 00:01:46,367
Stick it in your galoshes,
tent nose.
20
00:01:46,410 --> 00:01:51,502
No need for rancid remarks.
This is your wet-letter day.
Captain Big Boots.
21
00:01:51,546 --> 00:01:54,114
Aha! Mill Valley.
That makes my day.
22
00:01:54,157 --> 00:01:56,333
Got anything for me, Klinger?
23
00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:59,380
Mildred promised to send
me some Cloverine brand salve
24
00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:00,685
for my barking bunions.
25
00:02:00,729 --> 00:02:02,513
Negative, Hoppy... sir.
26
00:02:02,557 --> 00:02:05,690
Wonderful. I have
a dental checkup yesterday.
27
00:02:05,734 --> 00:02:08,302
And the winner
of this week's Truss Award
28
00:02:08,345 --> 00:02:11,305
is none other than
our own Eye of the Hawk.
29
00:02:11,348 --> 00:02:13,611
-MARGARET: What?
-Looks like a "Dear John"
letter from the Rockettes.
30
00:02:13,655 --> 00:02:15,396
No, it's from Amy Clark,
a friend of mine
31
00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:17,398
who's a teacher back
in Crabapple Cove.
32
00:02:17,441 --> 00:02:20,401
Finishing elementary school
in your spare time, Pierce?
33
00:02:20,444 --> 00:02:25,057
"You said in your last letter
how boring it can get for
everyone there...
34
00:02:25,101 --> 00:02:28,713
so I thought it might be nice
for my fourth-graders to write
to all of you."
35
00:02:28,757 --> 00:02:30,759
-Ha-ha.
-Well, this is great. We can
answer the letters.
36
00:02:30,802 --> 00:02:33,892
This might be just the ticket
out of our black-and-blue funk.
37
00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:36,939
Okay. Some for everybody.
Here you go. Here you are.
38
00:02:36,982 --> 00:02:38,941
-Colonel.
-Mucho beaucoup.
39
00:02:38,984 --> 00:02:41,552
Oh, here's one in crayon.
Must be for Charles.
40
00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:43,946
[chuckles]
Aren't you the wag, though?
41
00:02:43,989 --> 00:02:46,557
I have no need to write letters
to communicate with children.
42
00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:48,907
I have you for that, Pierce.
43
00:02:48,951 --> 00:02:51,475
That is an insult, and you'll
answer for it at recess.
44
00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:53,825
Oh, this is cute.
This little boy thinks
that MASH people
45
00:02:53,869 --> 00:02:56,176
just sit around all day
making potatoes.
46
00:02:56,219 --> 00:02:59,744
And this half-pint asks
if all army people have tattoos.
47
00:02:59,788 --> 00:03:00,702
You wanna handle that one,
Margaret?
48
00:03:00,745 --> 00:03:02,747
Oh, dear.
49
00:03:02,791 --> 00:03:05,794
Here's a girl who wonders
whether I've saved many lives.
50
00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:08,013
A doctor should
answer that one.
51
00:03:08,057 --> 00:03:10,625
No, no, no, no.
My ground rules
are no stealing,
52
00:03:10,668 --> 00:03:12,235
selling or swapping of letters.
53
00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:13,715
Everybody answers
the letters you got.
54
00:03:13,758 --> 00:03:16,152
I specialize in saving souls,
not lives.
55
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:19,242
Come on, Padre. Don't tell me
you forgot about Irving?
56
00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:22,811
Irving? Oh. Oh, yes.
57
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-Practically saved his life.
-Irving, yes.
58
00:03:25,683 --> 00:03:29,296
If he'd gone on the way he was
goin', he'd be dead by now.
59
00:03:29,339 --> 00:03:32,124
[thinking]
Dear Stacy, Although
I am not a doctor,
60
00:03:32,168 --> 00:03:36,781
it can be truthfully said
I did indeed save a life.
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00:03:36,825 --> 00:03:38,392
ROSIE:
I've had it with you, Irving.
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00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:40,829
This is a respectable place.
63
00:03:40,872 --> 00:03:42,831
And stay out!
64
00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:45,573
-Hello, Rosie.
-Oh. Hello, Father.
65
00:03:45,616 --> 00:03:47,749
Why are you giving this cute
pup the bum's rush?
66
00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:49,229
Because Irving is a lush.
67
00:03:51,274 --> 00:03:54,930
Yeah, he does seem a bit woozy,
doesn't he? Uh...
68
00:03:54,973 --> 00:03:59,108
Ooh. His breath is pure
hellfire.
69
00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:02,677
You know, we had a dog like
this back in the seminary.
70
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:08,204
Rosie, get me a bottle
of whiskey and a bowl.
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00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:11,947
I'm gonna cure Irving
the same way we cured
that dog at the seminary:
72
00:04:11,990 --> 00:04:15,472
By letting him drink
bowl after bowl till he's sick.
73
00:04:15,516 --> 00:04:19,041
[speaking Korean]
74
00:04:19,084 --> 00:04:24,220
Father, I think your brain's
stuck in first gear. Okay.
75
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,440
-There you go.
-Uh-huh.
76
00:04:26,483 --> 00:04:28,442
[barking]
77
00:04:28,485 --> 00:04:31,096
That dog has no pride.
78
00:04:31,140 --> 00:04:34,883
-There you are, Irving. Ha.
-[barking]
79
00:04:34,926 --> 00:04:36,580
Bottoms up.
80
00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:41,759
My, he is a little rummy,
isn't he?
81
00:04:41,803 --> 00:04:45,241
Yeah. Reminds me
of my first husband.
82
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:48,810
MULCAHY: Yesterday,
Irving drank till he
got sick as a dog.
83
00:04:48,853 --> 00:04:52,727
And if all's gone well,
he should have an intense
aversion to alcohol
84
00:04:52,770 --> 00:04:56,296
as well as one doozy
of a hangover. [chuckles]
85
00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:59,037
All right, Roy.
Let's try him out.
86
00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:02,519
Actually, he's having a little
hair of the man that bit him.
87
00:05:02,563 --> 00:05:04,608
[laughing]
88
00:05:06,393 --> 00:05:10,571
-[yelps]
-[cheering]
89
00:05:10,614 --> 00:05:16,272
So Irving was smart enough
to go on the wagon
for good, Stacy.
90
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:20,842
If people only had
the horse sense dogs do.
91
00:05:20,885 --> 00:05:23,932
Yours in Christ,
Francis J. Mulcahy.
92
00:05:29,111 --> 00:05:32,636
[thunder]
93
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,335
-Hey, this kid's gonna be
a big-league pitcher.
-Oh, yeah?
94
00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:37,772
Just the other day,
he hurled a 48-hitter.
95
00:05:37,815 --> 00:05:40,035
[chuckles]
That's nothin'.
96
00:05:40,078 --> 00:05:43,212
My kid definitely has
the makings of a U.S. senator.
97
00:05:43,255 --> 00:05:46,476
This letter goes on
for five pages and says
absolutely nothing.
98
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:52,308
Gentlemen, children
and their pen pals
should be seen, not heard.
99
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:56,704
The only thing Charles
remembers fondly from
his childhood is his hair.
100
00:05:56,747 --> 00:05:59,141
Come on, Chaz baby.
These are cute. Listen.
101
00:05:59,184 --> 00:06:02,013
"Dear Doctors,
You live a great life.
I am jealous of you."
102
00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:04,015
-Jea... He what... He...
Jealous?
-Ha-ha.
103
00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:06,540
"You guys get to
camp out every night,
eat real army food."
104
00:06:06,583 --> 00:06:08,672
-Ha!
-"Boy, you're lucky."
105
00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:12,110
Just give me that.
Get to camp out, eh?
106
00:06:12,154 --> 00:06:14,112
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
107
00:06:14,156 --> 00:06:19,030
"My dear diminutive
correspondent,
108
00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:21,642
"Your misinformation
109
00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:24,427
"is exceeded only by
110
00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:28,518
your atrocious grammar."
111
00:06:28,562 --> 00:06:32,348
Leave it to Charles to be the
world's first poison pen pal.
112
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:33,958
What's the matter, Hawk?
Can't read the writing?
113
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:39,834
No, it's all too clear.
Listen to this.
114
00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:42,924
"Doctor, My brother
was a soldier in Korea.
115
00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:46,014
"He got hurt,
but some doctors fixed him up
116
00:06:46,057 --> 00:06:48,451
"so he could go back
and fight some more.
117
00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:50,148
"Then he got killed.
118
00:06:55,153 --> 00:06:56,764
"Now I'll never
see Keith again.
119
00:06:59,070 --> 00:07:02,552
"You doctors just make people
better so they can end up dead.
120
00:07:02,596 --> 00:07:07,209
I hate you all.
Signed, Ronnie Hawkins."
121
00:07:09,516 --> 00:07:11,648
What do I say to this kid?
122
00:07:11,692 --> 00:07:14,042
I don't know.
123
00:07:14,085 --> 00:07:18,220
I mean, he's...
He's kind of struck a nerve.
124
00:07:18,263 --> 00:07:20,222
We've all sent boys
back to the line
125
00:07:20,265 --> 00:07:21,789
and then had them end up dead.
126
00:07:26,707 --> 00:07:28,578
What do I say to him?
127
00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:31,973
[thunderclap]
128
00:07:32,016 --> 00:07:33,801
Oh. I'm so homesick.
129
00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:41,678
"Dear Freddy, About your
question about army pay.
130
00:07:41,722 --> 00:07:45,203
"Well, your dad probably
gives you a bigger allowance.
131
00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:48,293
"And that's why I'm always
on the lookout for ways to
supplement my income.
132
00:07:48,337 --> 00:07:50,600
For example..."
133
00:07:50,644 --> 00:07:53,124
What are these hairy rats
doin' here?
134
00:07:53,168 --> 00:07:56,127
These are not rats, sir.
They're chinchillas.
135
00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:59,130
My key to a life
of decadent riches.
136
00:07:59,174 --> 00:08:02,612
Welcome to Klinger's Chinchilla
Villa Breeding Farms.
137
00:08:02,656 --> 00:08:05,093
Breeding farms?
[clicks tongue]
138
00:08:05,136 --> 00:08:08,139
Look, son, you haven't had any
sudden falls lately, have you?
139
00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:11,534
Perhaps a stray anvil
grazed the old noodle?
140
00:08:11,578 --> 00:08:15,582
As these chinches multiply,
so does my bankroll.
141
00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:19,281
And they're very affectionate,
sir, if you get my drift.
142
00:08:19,324 --> 00:08:24,765
You get this drift. If my
brogans meet up with just
one chinchilla chip,
143
00:08:24,808 --> 00:08:28,029
it's the hanging tree
for the whole clan.
144
00:08:28,072 --> 00:08:30,466
Well, what have we here,
the world's smallest zoo?
145
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,381
He calls them "chinchillers."
146
00:08:32,424 --> 00:08:34,252
I call them a gold mine.
147
00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:36,385
Now, if you'll just
let me cover the cage,
148
00:08:36,428 --> 00:08:39,823
Romeo and Juliet are giving
each other that look that
only lovers share.
149
00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:42,130
Uh, Romeo and Mercutio
is more like it.
150
00:08:42,173 --> 00:08:46,830
-"Mercoosho"? Who's she?
-He, my dear 15-watt friend.
151
00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:49,354
Having done extensive work
with laboratory rodents,
152
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:52,053
I can state categorically
these are two male
"chinchillers."
153
00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:54,229
Looks like you're the critter
who got skinned.
154
00:08:54,272 --> 00:08:56,623
[Potter chuckles]
155
00:08:56,666 --> 00:08:59,495
"Believe me.
156
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:03,020
"That's the last time
I trust a traveling
chinchilla salesman.
157
00:09:03,064 --> 00:09:07,242
"From now on,
I stick to investments I know.
158
00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:12,552
That's why I'm putting all
my money into a training
school for pin boys."
159
00:09:17,513 --> 00:09:19,428
[sighs]
160
00:09:21,299 --> 00:09:24,825
BOY: Dear MASHer,
I just had my tonsils out,
161
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:28,350
which wasn't so bad
because I got to eat
a lot of ice cream.
162
00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:32,136
Anyway, I became good friends
with the doctors and nurses.
163
00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:34,312
Do you ever make friends
with the patients there?
164
00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:40,144
And there's this, uh...
165
00:09:40,188 --> 00:09:44,105
this great piece of land
I've had my eye on since
I was a kid.
166
00:09:44,148 --> 00:09:48,022
And I sent my dad some money.
He put a down payment on it
for me.
167
00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:50,111
I'm sure you'll make
a wonderful farmer, Mike.
168
00:09:50,154 --> 00:09:52,461
Yeah.
169
00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:56,683
-Yeah, I'll get some
chickens and a goat...
-Mmm.
170
00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:58,989
-And maybe a cow or two.
-[chuckles] Why not?
171
00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:01,252
-I can hardly wait.
-[laughs]
172
00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:03,864
WOMAN: Dr. Pierce would like
to talk to you, Major.
173
00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:05,692
-I'll be right back.
-I'll be countin' the minutes.
174
00:10:05,735 --> 00:10:07,563
Okay.
175
00:10:09,217 --> 00:10:11,828
-[whispering]
-What are the results?
176
00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:14,004
His liver's gone.
There's nothing more we can do.
177
00:10:14,048 --> 00:10:16,616
-He's not gonna make it.
-Oh, no.
178
00:10:18,052 --> 00:10:20,750
At least he's not in any pain.
179
00:10:20,794 --> 00:10:22,622
I never thought
we'd be grateful for
a severed spinal cord.
180
00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:24,319
Yeah.
181
00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:27,322
I told him there was
no movement because of
the medication.
182
00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:29,803
-B.J.: Good.
-How much time does he have?
183
00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:31,718
Could be an hour,
could be three.
184
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,244
I'm sorry, Margaret.
185
00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:38,507
Listen, you must be exhausted.
Why don't you get some sleep?
186
00:10:38,550 --> 00:10:40,727
No. I'll stay with him.
187
00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:50,475
Okay. That wasn't
so long now, was it?
188
00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:52,477
Can't live without me, huh?
189
00:10:52,521 --> 00:10:55,002
I'm just a sucker
for a handsome face.
190
00:10:55,045 --> 00:10:57,265
Say, listen.
Let me tell you about my girl.
191
00:10:57,308 --> 00:11:00,398
Yes.
192
00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:02,574
We're gettin' married
as soon as I get home.
193
00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:05,665
We grew up together.
194
00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:07,188
She's the prettiest girl
I've ever seen,
195
00:11:07,231 --> 00:11:09,538
next to you, of course.
196
00:11:12,454 --> 00:11:14,717
[thinking]
Dear Jimmy...
197
00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:20,723
Uh, yes, I do get very close
to the people we treat.
198
00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:24,509
In fact, there are some
patients...
199
00:11:24,553 --> 00:11:26,686
I don't think
I'll ever forget.
200
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:36,739
And in conclusion, Peter,
I think it's perfectly normal
201
00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:38,872
for you to want to
dress like a grown-up.
202
00:11:38,915 --> 00:11:40,830
In fact, may I suggest
that you take
203
00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:43,006
your father's best suit
down to the tailor shop
204
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:47,402
and have it altered to fit
your little body to a "T."
205
00:11:47,445 --> 00:11:49,752
[chortles]
206
00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:51,319
My, my.
Isn't it fun
207
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:53,582
to pass on one's wisdom
to the younger generation?
208
00:11:53,625 --> 00:11:55,976
How come you're not using
your pen, Charles?
Run out of venom?
209
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:58,892
Because, my dear Hunnicutt,
I prefer to record my
brilliant insights
210
00:11:58,935 --> 00:12:00,763
and then delegate
the typing to someone
211
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:02,939
on the same intellectual level
as these fourth-graders.
212
00:12:02,983 --> 00:12:05,942
One Maxwell Q. Klinger
springs to mind.
213
00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:08,684
Ah, damn it.
214
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:12,514
I'm not responsible for
the death of this kid's brother.
215
00:12:12,557 --> 00:12:15,125
You got a tough one, Hawk.
Want some help?
216
00:12:15,169 --> 00:12:18,607
No, I'll handle it myself.
You just answer your own letter.
217
00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:20,217
Okay. If you change
your mind...
218
00:12:22,219 --> 00:12:24,178
Damn it.
219
00:12:26,963 --> 00:12:29,444
[thinking]
Dear Louis...
220
00:12:29,487 --> 00:12:31,794
Yes, becoming a doctor usually
requires a lot of training.
221
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:34,144
But every rule
has an exception.
222
00:12:34,188 --> 00:12:37,887
Sir, welcome
to Death Valley East.
223
00:12:37,931 --> 00:12:40,150
I'm M. Klinger,
chief clerk and bottle washer.
224
00:12:40,194 --> 00:12:42,936
I'm Captain William Bainbridge,
here on temporary assignment.
225
00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:45,808
Of course you are. I personally
requested a replacement
for Major Winchester.
226
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:48,071
He's at a seminar in Tokyo.
227
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:50,770
Oh, sirs. Sirs. I got
that pinch hitter you've
been browbeating me for.
228
00:12:50,813 --> 00:12:52,815
-Hey!
-This is Captain William
Bainbridge.
229
00:12:52,859 --> 00:12:56,036
-Call me Bill.
-You're an overdue Bill.
I'm Hawkeye. This is B.J.
230
00:12:56,079 --> 00:12:59,039
Hey, Bill, are we
glad to see you. Come on.
We'll buy you some lunch.
231
00:12:59,082 --> 00:13:01,128
We were betting H.Q.
would lose our request
232
00:13:01,171 --> 00:13:02,869
for you, and you'd
never get here.
233
00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:05,045
-But they fouled up and
handled everything perfectly.
-[chuckles]
234
00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:07,264
Says a lot for the power
of positive incompetence.
235
00:13:07,308 --> 00:13:09,701
Yeah. I couldn't believe
I was being sent to a MASH unit.
236
00:13:09,745 --> 00:13:12,095
Do you really get
a lot of cases here?
237
00:13:12,139 --> 00:13:15,707
-We get cases by the case.
-Nothing going on now,
but it could get busy tonight.
238
00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:18,014
Well, I make it a policy
to keep regular office hours.
239
00:13:18,058 --> 00:13:21,757
-[laughing]
-Regular hours?
Oh, you are a babe in the war.
240
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,238
This isn't like private
practice. We get wounded
round the clock.
241
00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:25,717
Yeah, but it's not
as though they'd die
242
00:13:25,761 --> 00:13:27,458
if they don't
see me before morning.
243
00:13:27,502 --> 00:13:29,721
-Uh...
-Oh, uh...
244
00:13:29,765 --> 00:13:32,246
-Are you afraid of
what I'm afraid of?
-I'm afraid so. Yeah.
245
00:13:32,289 --> 00:13:34,074
Look, this may seem
like a silly question,
246
00:13:34,117 --> 00:13:36,903
but just exactly
what line of work are you in?
247
00:13:36,946 --> 00:13:38,382
Well, same as you.
I'm a lawyer.
248
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,736
B.J. [thinking]:
That's right. The army
made a little boo-boo.
249
00:13:44,780 --> 00:13:48,610
After sending us a lawyer,
we figured the next one would
have to be an Indian chief.
250
00:13:48,653 --> 00:13:51,874
So we just decided a little
on-the-job training was
in order.
251
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:54,268
-How about if we let Bill
cut this one?
-Yeah. Go ahead.
252
00:13:54,311 --> 00:13:56,313
-Wrap the scissor
around your hand.
-Right there.
253
00:13:56,357 --> 00:13:58,359
Snip that right off.
Don't shake. Hey! Good.
254
00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:00,752
-Hey. A cut above average.
-Yeah?
255
00:14:00,796 --> 00:14:04,104
You're great with scissors.
You could be a doctor.
Or a barber.
256
00:14:04,147 --> 00:14:07,716
-This is so unprofessional.
I really must object.
-Objection overruled.
257
00:14:07,759 --> 00:14:10,588
Relax, Margaret.
The lawyer's only here
on a trial basis.
258
00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:12,982
Haven't you ever heard of
anybody practicing medicine?
259
00:14:13,026 --> 00:14:15,028
And besides, the case is closed
and the patient rests.
260
00:14:15,071 --> 00:14:17,291
O.R. is now adjourned.
261
00:14:17,334 --> 00:14:21,382
Hey, Hawk, do you remember
Bill Bainbridge, doctor-at-law?
262
00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:24,472
So this letter has triggered
a crisis of conscience for you.
263
00:14:24,515 --> 00:14:27,344
A crisis of guilty conscience.
264
00:14:27,388 --> 00:14:31,696
Essentially he's saying
I'm a very large cog
in the war machine.
265
00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:34,090
I'm not sure he's wrong.
266
00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:35,570
Hawkeye, do I need
to point out
267
00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:37,964
that you don't
take lives, you save them.
268
00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:41,924
I'm also in weapons repair.
269
00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:45,493
I fix people up so they
can go out and get killed.
270
00:14:45,536 --> 00:14:47,625
Or kill other people.
271
00:14:49,627 --> 00:14:53,153
I can't deny that.
And I can't live with it either.
272
00:14:53,196 --> 00:14:56,286
How can I help you?
273
00:14:56,330 --> 00:14:57,940
Answer this letter
for me, okay?
274
00:15:01,857 --> 00:15:05,469
All right, Hawkeye.
I'll help you by not
answering the letter.
275
00:15:05,513 --> 00:15:08,908
-Huh?
-Well, you did say no trading.
276
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:12,607
-Oh, come on, Father.
This is serious. Come on.
-I am serious.
277
00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:16,350
This letter has
stirred up some very deep
feelings in you, Hawkeye,
278
00:15:16,393 --> 00:15:18,221
and you're going to have
to deal with those feelings
279
00:15:18,265 --> 00:15:19,962
whether you answer
the letter or not.
280
00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:23,966
It seems to me that the problem
isn't just what you tell him.
281
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:26,882
It's also what you tell
yourself.
282
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:31,278
Perhaps you can find an answer
that will satisfy both of you.
283
00:15:31,321 --> 00:15:35,456
-Can you see that, Hawkeye?
-Yeah, sure I can. It just
doesn't make it any easier.
284
00:15:35,499 --> 00:15:37,806
Oh. Listen.
285
00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:41,331
You're not the only one who has
sensitive letters to reply to.
286
00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:45,292
"Dear MASH people,
287
00:15:45,335 --> 00:15:49,078
"I'm writing this only because
Teacher's making me.
288
00:15:49,122 --> 00:15:51,211
"Personally, I'd rather be
playing dodgeball,
289
00:15:51,254 --> 00:15:54,170
"'cause this is really boring.
290
00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:56,390
Your friend, Mary Collins."
291
00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:03,092
Thanks, Father.
I needed that.
292
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:17,977
Ahh. Nothing like
toastin' the tootsies.
293
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,679
[thinking]
Dear Danny, Hell, yes--
294
00:16:24,722 --> 00:16:27,160
Uh... Heck, yes.
295
00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:29,901
Sometimes we do get
ants in our pants,
296
00:16:29,945 --> 00:16:33,079
and you'd be surprised
what little things
will scare up interest.
297
00:16:33,122 --> 00:16:34,471
Why, just the other day...
298
00:16:38,823 --> 00:16:41,522
Good morning, Colonel Set Shot.
How goes the round ball?
299
00:16:41,565 --> 00:16:44,220
Shh. I got me a run
of 14 straight free throws...
300
00:16:44,264 --> 00:16:46,527
and I don't wanna break
my concentration.
301
00:16:46,570 --> 00:16:49,530
Do these ears deceive me?
Did you say 14 in a row?
302
00:16:49,573 --> 00:16:52,576
Sure. This is "Hoops" Potter
you're talkin' to.
303
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:55,144
When it comes to basketball,
I'm the bee's knees.
304
00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:59,235
But, sir, the camp record
is only 31 free throws.
305
00:16:59,279 --> 00:17:02,369
All you need is... some more.
306
00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:06,982
Hey, hey, hey, everybody.
The colonel just made
14 free throws in a row.
307
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,419
-Fourteen in a row.
Did you hear that?
-Klinger. Klinger.
308
00:17:09,463 --> 00:17:13,249
What say we keep this shooting
streak on the Q.T.?
309
00:17:13,293 --> 00:17:15,251
I'm just gettin'
a little exercise.
310
00:17:15,295 --> 00:17:18,994
The last thing I need
is a packed house eyeballing
my basketballing.
311
00:17:20,343 --> 00:17:22,693
CROWD:
Twenty-eight!
312
00:17:22,737 --> 00:17:26,219
[cheering]
313
00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:28,482
Thank you very much.
314
00:17:28,525 --> 00:17:32,138
Sherman, Sherman, he's our man.
If he can't do it, no one can.
315
00:17:32,181 --> 00:17:34,227
Yay, Sherman!
316
00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:36,925
-[cheering]
-MARGARET: Yay, Sherman!
317
00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:38,927
MAN:
Throw the thing. Come on.
318
00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:40,885
I feel like a sideshow freak.
319
00:17:42,583 --> 00:17:44,541
MAN:
Come on.
320
00:17:44,585 --> 00:17:48,110
Twenty-nine!
[cheering]
321
00:17:48,154 --> 00:17:52,027
Come on, Colonel!
You're a B.M.O.C., Colonel.
Big Man on Camp.
322
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,682
You could be the army's
first draft choice.
323
00:17:54,725 --> 00:17:56,727
My goodness. This is
quite exciting, isn't it?
324
00:17:56,771 --> 00:17:59,426
[chuckles] Matter of fact,
it is. Come on, Shermy baby!
325
00:18:01,297 --> 00:18:03,778
I oughta shove this ball
right in your big mouth.
326
00:18:03,821 --> 00:18:05,910
Ah, the temperament
of a gifted athlete.
327
00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:07,477
MARGARET:
Don't make him nervous.
328
00:18:09,349 --> 00:18:12,656
Thirty!
329
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:15,703
-He's incredible.
-The man is steady as a rock.
330
00:18:15,746 --> 00:18:18,097
-I need a drink.
-And break training?
Never, sir.
331
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:20,055
Just relax.
Just relax, sir.
332
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,057
Breathe, breathe.
[inhales]
333
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,972
All right.
Only one more to tie.
334
00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,887
There's no pressure.
None at all.
335
00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:27,845
Just put it out of your mind
336
00:18:27,889 --> 00:18:29,456
that you're carrying
the hopes and dreams
337
00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:30,979
of all these desperate people
338
00:18:31,022 --> 00:18:32,807
who have so little
to cheer about.
339
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:36,637
Get away from me!
340
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,988
HAWKEYE [whispering]:
Shh. Be quiet. There he goes.
341
00:18:40,031 --> 00:18:42,338
[whispering]
342
00:18:42,382 --> 00:18:46,734
KLINGER: No pressure, sir.
No pressure. Light as a feather.
343
00:18:46,777 --> 00:18:49,867
Shh. No pressure.
344
00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:55,525
Oh!
[groaning]
345
00:18:55,569 --> 00:18:58,093
-Oh.
-Oh, Sherman.
346
00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,617
-I could have sworn
he was gonna do it.
-So close.
347
00:19:00,661 --> 00:19:02,489
I thought he was gonna...
348
00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:04,012
You're still "Hoops"
in my book, sir,
349
00:19:04,055 --> 00:19:07,189
no matter how many spirits
you've crushed.
350
00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:10,888
POTTER [thinking]: So, son,
take a word of advice from
a retired bucketeer.
351
00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:13,500
If you take up a sport,
make it horseshoes,
352
00:19:13,543 --> 00:19:15,806
where you don't have
to be perfect.
353
00:19:15,850 --> 00:19:18,853
Sincerely, Sherman T.,
354
00:19:18,896 --> 00:19:21,508
formerly "Hoops", Potter.
355
00:19:22,944 --> 00:19:25,251
[sighs]
356
00:19:27,775 --> 00:19:29,646
One.
357
00:19:33,737 --> 00:19:35,609
Careful.
358
00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:40,135
Enjoy the walk, Captain Nemo?
359
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,181
I went to see Father Mulcahy.
360
00:19:42,224 --> 00:19:44,748
I was trying to
pawn my letter off on him.
361
00:19:44,792 --> 00:19:48,883
-Aha.
-And he said, in essence,
"Physician, heal thyself."
362
00:19:48,926 --> 00:19:51,059
Chalk up an incomplete
pass of the buck.
363
00:19:51,102 --> 00:19:54,018
Well, that's what I get for
tackling the Fighting Irish.
364
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,546
I'm gonna try to sleep
and fail.
365
00:19:59,589 --> 00:20:01,417
[groans]
366
00:20:04,768 --> 00:20:06,770
GIRL:
"Dear Doctor or Nurse,
367
00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:09,338
"Right now it is
autumn in Maine.
368
00:20:09,382 --> 00:20:11,993
"Everything seems
very beautiful.
369
00:20:12,036 --> 00:20:14,256
"I don't know if you
have autumn in Korea,
370
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:16,867
"so I'm sending you
a leaf from a birch tree.
371
00:20:16,911 --> 00:20:18,478
I hope you like it."
372
00:20:22,917 --> 00:20:25,354
-Autumn in New England.
-What's that, Charles?
373
00:20:25,398 --> 00:20:29,619
Hmm? Nothing.
It's more childishness.
374
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:43,851
[thinking]
Dear... Virginia...
375
00:20:43,894 --> 00:20:47,768
It is with indescribable joy
that I accept your gift.
376
00:20:47,811 --> 00:20:53,121
It is indeed testimony
to the beauty that exists
in all creation,
377
00:20:53,164 --> 00:20:56,603
but perhaps nowhere more than
in a young girl's heart.
378
00:20:56,646 --> 00:20:59,301
Doctors, we have an emergency.
379
00:20:59,345 --> 00:21:01,869
This is Dr. Breuer.
He runs the missionary school.
380
00:21:01,912 --> 00:21:04,785
One of our children slipped
in the mud and hit her head
against a rock.
381
00:21:04,828 --> 00:21:06,961
She's unconscious,
and her right pupil is dilated.
382
00:21:07,004 --> 00:21:09,224
I'm an M.D., but I think
she needs a surgeon.
383
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,835
-Need any help?
-No, we're all right.
We can handle it.
384
00:21:11,879 --> 00:21:13,620
We got it.
385
00:21:15,448 --> 00:21:18,189
Ah, you were right, Doctor.
She's got a fracture.
386
00:21:18,233 --> 00:21:20,496
-Probably subdural hematoma.
-We'll have to go in
and drain it.
387
00:21:21,932 --> 00:21:24,021
She's ready, Doctors.
388
00:21:24,065 --> 00:21:26,328
-Sponge.
-Clamp.
389
00:21:26,372 --> 00:21:29,723
Dear God, I thank you
for providing these
skilled surgeons.
390
00:21:29,766 --> 00:21:31,812
To have them here
in this place at this time
391
00:21:31,855 --> 00:21:33,204
is truly a sign
of your providence.
392
00:21:33,248 --> 00:21:34,902
Please bless their work.
393
00:21:42,388 --> 00:21:44,868
HAWKEYE [thinking]:
Ronnie, it's not a good idea
394
00:21:44,912 --> 00:21:47,044
to take the love you had
for your brother
and turn it into hate.
395
00:21:48,959 --> 00:21:50,874
Hate makes war,
and war is what killed him.
396
00:21:52,963 --> 00:21:55,618
I understand your feelings.
397
00:21:55,662 --> 00:21:58,839
Sometimes I hate myself
for being here.
398
00:21:58,882 --> 00:22:01,450
But once in a while,
in the midst of this insanity,
399
00:22:01,494 --> 00:22:05,062
a very small event
can make my being here
seem almost bearable.
400
00:22:10,067 --> 00:22:13,767
I'm sorry I don't have
an answer for you, Ronnie...
401
00:22:13,810 --> 00:22:16,247
except to suggest that you
look for good wherever you
can find it.
402
00:22:20,034 --> 00:22:22,689
-She's doing okay.
-Yeah. I think she's
gonna be fine.
403
00:22:22,732 --> 00:22:25,474
-How about you?
-Well, I'm still here.
404
00:22:27,607 --> 00:22:29,826
-Rain stopped.
-Yeah?
405
00:22:29,870 --> 00:22:32,916
[birds chirping]
406
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,223
Well, look at that.
A break in the gloom.
407
00:22:43,536 --> 00:22:45,625
-I don't believe it.
-Hey.
408
00:22:45,668 --> 00:22:48,454
-[chuckles]
-There must be 500
more letters here
409
00:22:48,497 --> 00:22:51,413
and there are only
400 people in Crabapple Cove.
410
00:22:51,457 --> 00:22:53,415
Sure. They must have
notified the whole state,
411
00:22:53,459 --> 00:22:55,417
and I'm the lug
who's gotta lug them in here.
412
00:22:55,461 --> 00:22:59,116
Yahoo! Hot sausage!
Thirty-two!
413
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:00,683
[cheering]
414
00:23:00,727 --> 00:23:03,382
♪♪ [theme]
415
00:23:13,043 --> 00:23:15,219
♪♪ [theme]
33920
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