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1
00:00:01,436 --> 00:00:04,178
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:58,014
♪ I'm puttin' on my top hat
3
00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:01,931
♪ Tyin' on my white tie
4
00:01:01,974 --> 00:01:05,108
♪ Brushin' off my tails
5
00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:06,283
♪♪ [humming]
6
00:01:06,327 --> 00:01:09,417
♪ I'm
7
00:01:09,460 --> 00:01:12,637
♪ Doin' up my shirt front
8
00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:16,380
♪ Puttin' in my shirt studs
9
00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:20,123
♪ Polishin' my nails
10
00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:23,996
[humming]
11
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:27,652
Thank you, Charles
of the Ritzies. [humming]
12
00:01:27,696 --> 00:01:29,654
-Hey, twinkle toes?
-Yes?
13
00:01:29,698 --> 00:01:31,656
-Do you take requests?
-I certainly do.
14
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:33,136
Can I hear the refrain
from singing?
15
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:35,443
[laughing]
You're just jealous
16
00:01:35,486 --> 00:01:37,880
'cause I got a 24-hour
pass and you don't.
17
00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:40,448
I'm too tired to be jealous.
18
00:01:40,491 --> 00:01:43,538
Your pass to Seoul is my
ticket to the Land of Nod.
19
00:01:43,581 --> 00:01:45,148
Pleasant dreams, bunkie.
20
00:01:45,192 --> 00:01:47,150
Dreams? Did I say dreams?
21
00:01:47,194 --> 00:01:50,153
♪ Dream when
you're feeling blue ♪
22
00:01:50,197 --> 00:01:51,720
♪ Dream
23
00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:55,115
♪ That's the thing to do
24
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:57,987
♪ But I get a kick
out of you ♪
25
00:01:58,030 --> 00:02:00,294
I figured you were leaving.
26
00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:02,731
I got wind of your
eau de "cologney"
27
00:02:02,774 --> 00:02:04,385
clear over to post-op.
28
00:02:04,428 --> 00:02:05,908
Thank you. It's the sweet
smell of excess.
29
00:02:05,951 --> 00:02:09,041
Begging your pardon,
sir, and madam.
30
00:02:09,085 --> 00:02:11,131
Call of the mail.
31
00:02:11,174 --> 00:02:13,263
Oh, a note from
the Dad Letter Office.
32
00:02:13,307 --> 00:02:15,047
Got me a missive
from the missus.
33
00:02:15,091 --> 00:02:17,049
[laughs]
Ah! Look at this!
34
00:02:17,093 --> 00:02:19,487
A picture of Dad and
my little cousin Martin
35
00:02:19,530 --> 00:02:21,053
at the annual
sugaring-off dinner.
36
00:02:21,097 --> 00:02:22,446
What's a sugaring-off
dinner?
37
00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:25,057
Oh, you urban prisoner,
you.
38
00:02:25,101 --> 00:02:28,713
It is the social event of
the entire maple syrup season.
39
00:02:28,757 --> 00:02:30,367
All the saps
come out of the woodwork.
40
00:02:30,411 --> 00:02:33,631
Better saddle up, vaquero.
You do need some time off.
41
00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:35,503
Thanks for lending me
the car, Dad.
42
00:02:35,546 --> 00:02:38,941
Don't worry.
I won't scratch the rust.
43
00:02:38,984 --> 00:02:41,161
Hot mustard!
44
00:02:41,204 --> 00:02:42,684
Good news, Colonel?
45
00:02:42,727 --> 00:02:45,252
I'll say. Mildred and her
partner took first prize
46
00:02:45,295 --> 00:02:47,906
in the big Hannibal, Missouri,
bridge tournament.
47
00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:50,082
Ah, you must be
very proud.
48
00:02:50,126 --> 00:02:51,910
As in peacock, Padre.
49
00:02:51,954 --> 00:02:54,217
She even enclosed a diagram
of the winning hand.
50
00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:57,655
I take it that the winning
hand had a gun in it.
51
00:02:57,699 --> 00:02:59,657
-How's that?
-Oh, forgive me, sir.
52
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:01,093
Being a past master myself,
53
00:03:01,137 --> 00:03:02,704
I've always had
a particular reverence
54
00:03:02,747 --> 00:03:04,096
for the game of bridge.
55
00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:06,055
It always depresses me
to see people attempt it
56
00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:09,319
who are better suited
to canasta or panguini.
57
00:03:09,363 --> 00:03:12,104
Are you making cracks
about my better half?
58
00:03:12,148 --> 00:03:14,933
Not at all, sir.
I'm sure she richly deserves
59
00:03:14,977 --> 00:03:16,239
the accolades of her peers
60
00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:18,198
at the Missouri
Blue Hair Invitational.
61
00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:20,852
Now get this, boy.
62
00:03:20,896 --> 00:03:22,811
Me and Mildred
were playin' bridge
63
00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:26,118
when you were still
making gum marks
on your silver spoon.
64
00:03:26,162 --> 00:03:28,947
We're the best
mixed-doubles bridge team
65
00:03:28,991 --> 00:03:30,601
in the entire
Show-Me State.
66
00:03:30,645 --> 00:03:32,124
That is roughly
the equivalent
67
00:03:32,168 --> 00:03:34,301
of being the finest hockey
player in all of Ecuador.
68
00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:36,303
Think you're pretty
smart, don't you?
69
00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:39,219
Would you care
to put your money
where your foot is?
70
00:03:39,262 --> 00:03:42,134
What say we have a little
showdown of our own?
71
00:03:42,178 --> 00:03:43,745
Sir, are you challenging me?
72
00:03:43,788 --> 00:03:46,051
You bet your blue blood.
73
00:03:46,095 --> 00:03:49,054
I'd slap you
across the kisser
if I had a glove,
74
00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:51,622
preferably one
of Primo Carnera's.
75
00:03:51,666 --> 00:03:54,364
I must warn you, sir,
it is I who shall stand
victorious
76
00:03:54,408 --> 00:03:55,800
o'er your fallen cock,
77
00:03:55,844 --> 00:03:57,541
as my sister Honoria and I
78
00:03:57,585 --> 00:04:00,022
were four times champions
79
00:04:00,065 --> 00:04:01,980
of the Beacon Hill
Bridge Society.
80
00:04:02,024 --> 00:04:06,202
Well, well. I think
we have the makings
of a classic brouhaha.
81
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,204
Do I hear the sound
of a grudge match,
82
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,162
bridge hands with
brass knuckles on them?
83
00:04:10,206 --> 00:04:12,948
Yes! Colonel Potter's
just thrown down the gauntlet.
84
00:04:12,991 --> 00:04:14,645
I intend to see
that he picks it up.
85
00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:16,299
You're on, sonny.
86
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:19,346
Wonderful. I'll go set up
a table in the Officers Club.
87
00:04:19,389 --> 00:04:20,738
Whoa, Padre.
88
00:04:20,782 --> 00:04:22,262
We're gonna need partners.
89
00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:23,611
This is
your lucky day, sir.
90
00:04:23,654 --> 00:04:26,004
I'm ready, willing,
and available.
91
00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:29,138
Forget it, Klinger.
This tournament is open
to mammals only.
92
00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:32,184
We'll keep you in mind if
ever we have a tournament
of Crazy Section 8s.
93
00:04:32,228 --> 00:04:35,623
I don't play myself,
but what about B.J.?
94
00:04:35,666 --> 00:04:38,365
He's got to be a bridge player.
He lives in the suburbs.
95
00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:40,410
Hunnicutt? A Californian?
96
00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:42,151
The only bridge he knows
is the Golden Gate.
97
00:04:42,194 --> 00:04:43,500
Wait a minute!
98
00:04:43,544 --> 00:04:46,198
Major Houlihan is
an excellent player.
99
00:04:46,242 --> 00:04:47,635
A shark is more like it.
100
00:04:47,678 --> 00:04:49,332
Fascinating as this is,
101
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:50,986
I think I will retire
to the Swamp
102
00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:53,293
and enjoy the view
of Pierce's empty bunk.
103
00:04:55,643 --> 00:04:57,297
What about partners?
104
00:04:57,340 --> 00:04:59,560
Sir, with all due respect,
105
00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:01,953
I will have you weeping
into your bridge mix,
106
00:05:01,997 --> 00:05:05,087
even if I wind up partnered
with your horse.
107
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:09,700
Hold it a second.
Is a horse a mammal?
108
00:05:09,744 --> 00:05:13,748
♪ Come away with me, Lucille
109
00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:17,621
♪ In my merry Oldsmobile
110
00:05:17,665 --> 00:05:21,059
♪ Down the road
of life we'll fly ♪
111
00:05:21,103 --> 00:05:22,147
♪Automobub-- ♪
112
00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:23,801
[gunshots]
113
00:05:32,288 --> 00:05:36,161
[engine cranking]
114
00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:39,164
Come on, baby. I'm sittin'
here with my brass exposed.
115
00:05:39,208 --> 00:05:41,036
[cranking continues]
116
00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:47,564
Oh, hi. Sorry if I took
your parking space.
117
00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:50,088
I'll be out of here
in a jiffy.
118
00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:51,046
[cranking continues]
119
00:05:52,177 --> 00:05:54,832
Look, I'm not armed. See?
120
00:05:54,876 --> 00:05:57,574
No guns, no bombs, no errors.
121
00:05:57,618 --> 00:05:59,315
Look, why--
Why don't you take the jeep?
122
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:00,708
It's dead. Maybe it'll
fill your quota.
123
00:06:00,751 --> 00:06:03,406
-[Korean]
-What?
124
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:05,756
What-- You want the suitcase?
125
00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:09,717
No, you don't want it.
Okay, fine. It's all right.
126
00:06:10,805 --> 00:06:12,241
What?
127
00:06:13,895 --> 00:06:16,332
What, You want--
You want the medical bag?
128
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:17,855
You got it. There.
Wear it in good health.
129
00:06:21,293 --> 00:06:23,687
Yeah, okay. Okay.
130
00:06:23,731 --> 00:06:26,342
-All right. I'll--
-[Korean continues]
131
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,648
Look, I realize
I'm dressed to kill,
132
00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:29,301
but don't take it
literally.
133
00:06:33,044 --> 00:06:35,090
You want me and the
medical bag, is that it?
134
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:38,876
Okay. You got it. Sure.
Okay. Fine. Good. Okay.
135
00:06:41,618 --> 00:06:43,185
Look,
if we're going in there,
136
00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:44,839
I think I should warn you
I'm not a tree surgeon.
137
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,542
Why, Charles.
138
00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:54,370
Ah, top of the afternoon,
Margaret.
139
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,851
I dropped by because
I have a little surprise
140
00:06:56,894 --> 00:06:58,592
that you might find
amusing.
141
00:06:58,635 --> 00:07:00,463
It seems that our own
Colonel Potter
142
00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:02,813
fancies himself
quite a bridge player.
143
00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,772
-Oh, really?
-Yes.
144
00:07:04,815 --> 00:07:06,469
And as you are
perhaps aware,
145
00:07:06,513 --> 00:07:09,516
I am of championship
caliber at the game.
146
00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:13,476
I wasn't aware. But I'm
certainly not surprised.
147
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:17,393
Oh, thank you. Well,
the upshot of all this
148
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:20,265
is that, after a few
well-chosen lunchtime japes,
149
00:07:20,309 --> 00:07:23,617
I find myself challenged
to a bridge tournament
by the old boy.
150
00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,227
And?
151
00:07:25,270 --> 00:07:27,447
And I am offering you
the chance
152
00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:31,233
of sharing the joy of taking
that bumpkin to the cleaners.
153
00:07:31,276 --> 00:07:33,757
You're too late, Winchester.
154
00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:35,803
The bumpkin beat you to her.
155
00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:39,371
[chuckling]
Hi.
156
00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:42,244
Colonel, what a coincidence.
We were just talking about you.
157
00:07:42,287 --> 00:07:46,204
I heard every word.
The old boy ain't
"deef," you know.
158
00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:48,380
Good. Then you will be
able to hear clearly
159
00:07:48,424 --> 00:07:50,426
Margaret say that she
would prefer to play with me.
160
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:53,560
Where I'm from,
it's first come, first served.
161
00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:55,736
And I'm here
and you're there.
162
00:07:55,779 --> 00:07:57,433
Need I elaborate?
163
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,174
Hold it, both of you.
164
00:07:59,217 --> 00:08:01,437
As much as a woman
might enjoy
165
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,657
having two distinguished
gentlemen fight over her,
166
00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:05,093
-I--
-Margaret,
167
00:08:05,136 --> 00:08:07,878
I have no intention
of fighting for you.
168
00:08:07,922 --> 00:08:10,577
The advantages of pairing
with me are obvious:
169
00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:14,494
a brilliant partner,
stimulating play,
the only hope of victory,
170
00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:17,105
and a dozen pair
of silk stockings
171
00:08:17,148 --> 00:08:19,237
and $50 cash after we win.
172
00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:20,456
That's bribery!
173
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,153
No, that is the American way.
174
00:08:22,197 --> 00:08:24,939
-Survival of the richest.
-Relax, both of you.
175
00:08:24,982 --> 00:08:28,595
Charles, I have already agreed
to play with Colonel Potter.
176
00:08:28,638 --> 00:08:31,206
After all, he is
the ranking player here.
177
00:08:31,249 --> 00:08:34,514
Aha. In other words,
he ordered you.
178
00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:40,520
Confucius say
a bird on the collar
beats your 50 dollar.
179
00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:41,608
Go away.
180
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:43,566
But Bede, you Old Bean,
181
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:47,091
do you have any idea
what a beautiful day
it is out there?
182
00:08:47,135 --> 00:08:49,311
The sky is blue.
The birds are singing.
183
00:08:49,354 --> 00:08:51,574
Why would anyone want to waste
their time sleeping
184
00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:53,576
when they can be in the
officers' club playing bridge?
185
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,056
You heard about people
who walk in their sleep?
186
00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:57,667
-I punch in my sleep.
-Ah! I like that. Good.
187
00:08:57,711 --> 00:09:00,496
Feisty, combative.
Two prime requisites
for a bridge player.
188
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:03,891
You mention cards one more time,
I'm gonna deck you.
189
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:04,935
Please.
190
00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:07,764
Do me this one
small favor,
191
00:09:07,808 --> 00:09:10,332
and I will be
eternally in your debt.
192
00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:12,595
Really?
193
00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:14,597
Can I play my Frankie Laine
records on your phonograph?
194
00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:18,427
Even "Mule Train."
195
00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:20,603
Can I trim my mustache
with your silver scissors?
196
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:23,606
Yes. Yes, even your toenails.
Are we a team?
197
00:09:23,650 --> 00:09:26,391
Nah.
I don't want that stuff.
198
00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:29,351
Then damn it, man,
what do you want?
199
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:34,095
Well, well, well.
We are desperate, aren't we?
200
00:09:34,138 --> 00:09:37,489
That sort of puts me
in the driver's bunk.
201
00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:40,623
Well, Charles, I'll partner
with you on one condition.
202
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:41,972
Yes. What? Anything. Say it.
203
00:09:42,016 --> 00:09:44,061
That you personally
guarantee me
204
00:09:44,105 --> 00:09:48,283
12 uninterrupted hours
of blissful slumber.
205
00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:50,633
-Is that all?
-Ah!
206
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:53,723
But I said absolutely
uninterrupted.
207
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:56,639
Anybody wants me for anything,
you go in my place.
208
00:09:56,683 --> 00:09:59,076
-Agreed. Agreed.
-And.
209
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,558
Somehow I knew
there would be an "and."
210
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,864
Well, I'm sure you'd agree
211
00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:05,953
no good night's sleep
is complete
212
00:10:05,996 --> 00:10:07,781
without a good
morning breakfast
213
00:10:07,824 --> 00:10:10,827
served to me right here
by guess who.
214
00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:14,657
Don't press your luck,
Hunnicutt.
215
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:17,529
I am a flawless player.
I can win with anyone.
216
00:10:17,573 --> 00:10:19,401
-Good luck to you and anyone.
-[scoffs]
217
00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:24,275
Will that be bacon
or sausage?
218
00:10:26,234 --> 00:10:27,801
Why do I get the feeling
219
00:10:27,844 --> 00:10:29,629
we're looking for a nice,
out-of-the-way spot
220
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:31,065
just to get me out of the way?
221
00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:42,119
-I take it he's with you.
-[Korean continues]
222
00:10:42,163 --> 00:10:43,599
Look, I want
to save your friend,
223
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:44,905
but just in case I can't,
224
00:10:44,948 --> 00:10:46,602
does that mean you'll
pay me in hot lead
225
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,560
instead of cold cash?
226
00:10:48,604 --> 00:10:49,779
You don't have to
answer right away.
227
00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:50,954
Think it over.
Take your time.
228
00:10:50,998 --> 00:10:53,261
Let me know in 10 or 20 years.
229
00:10:53,304 --> 00:10:55,263
Call me at home,
collect.
230
00:10:55,306 --> 00:10:56,438
I'm in the book.
231
00:10:57,744 --> 00:10:59,093
All right. Look, I'm--
232
00:10:59,136 --> 00:11:01,965
I'm just gonna lift back
his blanket, okay?
233
00:11:02,009 --> 00:11:03,967
-Hurry, hurry.
-Yeah. I know. Please.
234
00:11:04,011 --> 00:11:06,448
Don't let my trembling
hands get you upset.
235
00:11:08,058 --> 00:11:09,451
[gasping]
236
00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:13,977
He's got a lot
of shrapnel in his chest.
237
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,505
Oh, boy. Those head
wounds are serious.
238
00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:21,506
We gotta move him.
239
00:11:21,550 --> 00:11:23,117
[Korean]
240
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:27,034
Look, look, look, I-I-I
work in a hospital. See?
241
00:11:27,077 --> 00:11:29,514
I work in a hospital
just, like,
242
00:11:29,558 --> 00:11:31,342
a hand grenade's throw
from here.
243
00:11:31,386 --> 00:11:35,346
Look, no, nobody will
hurt you. You'll be fine.
244
00:11:35,390 --> 00:11:38,349
If we can get back to my jeep
and we go very fast,
245
00:11:38,393 --> 00:11:40,438
down that road to the hospital,
we can help him in no time.
246
00:11:40,482 --> 00:11:42,484
Take no time at all. Come on.
247
00:11:42,527 --> 00:11:44,442
-[clicking]
-All right! Okay!
All right, all right!
248
00:11:44,486 --> 00:11:47,358
I'm not gonna move him, okay?
I'm not gonna move him. No.
249
00:11:47,402 --> 00:11:48,795
No moving.
250
00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:53,451
Look, I want to save him
as much as you do.
251
00:11:53,495 --> 00:11:55,497
No point in everybody dying.
252
00:11:55,540 --> 00:11:57,804
Uh-huh.
253
00:11:57,847 --> 00:11:59,501
Yeah, well, I think
I get the picture,
254
00:11:59,544 --> 00:12:01,982
even without subtitles.
255
00:12:02,025 --> 00:12:03,940
As long as he stays alive,
I stay alive.
256
00:12:08,249 --> 00:12:10,555
KLINGER: Okay, fans,
top of the second rubber,
257
00:12:10,599 --> 00:12:11,600
and what a rout!
258
00:12:11,643 --> 00:12:12,949
The Potter-Houlihan duo
259
00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:14,864
is murdering
Winchester-Hunnicutt.
260
00:12:14,908 --> 00:12:19,086
New odds are 8-5.
Place your bets, folks.
261
00:12:19,129 --> 00:12:21,131
-Klinger!
-No talking from the dummy.
262
00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:23,220
-Sorry, sir.
-Not you. Him.
263
00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:27,137
-Aha!
-Damn.
264
00:12:27,181 --> 00:12:30,532
Your inept play
has cost us every trick.
265
00:12:30,575 --> 00:12:33,665
So I miscounted trump.
Big deal.
266
00:12:33,709 --> 00:12:35,624
Now, Major,
we have to be patient
267
00:12:35,667 --> 00:12:37,669
with the less-experienced
players.
268
00:12:37,713 --> 00:12:39,149
What are you worried
about, Major?
269
00:12:39,193 --> 00:12:40,803
B.J.'s got a straight flush.
270
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:43,719
Klinger, you idiot!
You're giving away his hand.
271
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,852
How can I? I don't know
nothin' about this game.
272
00:12:45,895 --> 00:12:49,029
There's an awful lot
of that going round.
273
00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:50,595
I'd love a scotch.
274
00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:52,293
Ix-nay
on the ootch-hay, pard.
275
00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:54,034
But I'm thirsty.
276
00:12:54,077 --> 00:12:55,687
Now, Margaret,
you know how you get
277
00:12:55,731 --> 00:12:57,602
after a couple of belts.
In no time,
278
00:12:57,646 --> 00:12:59,517
you'll be buckin'
and wingin' in the rafters.
279
00:13:01,389 --> 00:13:03,652
-[mutters]
-Signaling is verboten!
280
00:13:03,695 --> 00:13:05,480
Signaling!
I wasn't signaling.
281
00:13:05,523 --> 00:13:07,482
I wasn't.
Ask anyone in the club.
282
00:13:07,525 --> 00:13:08,744
That does it, Winchester!
283
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,528
Outside until this hand
is over.
284
00:13:10,572 --> 00:13:11,660
[card slaps down]
285
00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:13,357
Now it's over.
286
00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:16,273
Whoopee! Ha! I won!
287
00:13:16,317 --> 00:13:17,753
Yes, we did!
288
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,581
This is beyond belief!
289
00:13:19,624 --> 00:13:21,322
Shut up, Charles.
290
00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:23,672
Well, ain't that
a fine howdy-do?
291
00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:28,111
The regular army rube whupped
the Beacon Hill big shot.
292
00:13:28,155 --> 00:13:30,070
Colonel, you seem to keep
forgetting that it was
293
00:13:30,113 --> 00:13:31,636
my defense that beat them.
294
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,421
Relax, Charlie.
We'll get them next time.
295
00:13:33,464 --> 00:13:36,946
We? "Wee" merely describes
the size of your brain.
296
00:13:36,990 --> 00:13:39,253
This is hopeless.
I'm outnumbered three to one!
297
00:13:39,296 --> 00:13:41,864
Cease firing
on the alibi barrage.
298
00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:44,475
I would have stomped you,
even if your partner
299
00:13:44,519 --> 00:13:46,869
was old Charlie Goran himself.
300
00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:49,437
Oh, is that so?
301
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,047
There's more shrapnel
in his head.
302
00:13:51,091 --> 00:13:52,875
Probably a subdural hematoma.
303
00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:56,792
Hematom-- What am I doing
talking Greek to a Korean?
304
00:13:56,836 --> 00:14:01,797
Look, look,
one pupil is dilated.
305
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,843
He's bleeding
into his brain.
306
00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:06,280
I haven't got the equipment
here to help him.
307
00:14:06,323 --> 00:14:07,890
I've gotta get him
to a hospital.
308
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:09,370
He's liable to die
if we don't move him.
309
00:14:12,025 --> 00:14:13,983
You understand me
about as well as he does.
310
00:14:15,245 --> 00:14:17,595
-[grunts]
-Oh, good.
311
00:14:17,639 --> 00:14:19,946
You operate, and I'll
hold the gun for a while.
312
00:14:21,599 --> 00:14:25,038
[Korean]
313
00:14:25,081 --> 00:14:27,867
Yeah, yeah,
I know, I know.
314
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:29,869
But the chest isn't
even half the problem.
315
00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:34,264
Yeah. Right.
Fine. Okay. Sure.
316
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,622
Yeah.
N-Nice-looking family.
317
00:14:44,666 --> 00:14:47,887
[Korean]
318
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,806
As long as
we're trading snapshots.
319
00:14:55,982 --> 00:14:57,026
May I?
320
00:15:00,203 --> 00:15:01,683
I'll see his family
321
00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:04,164
and raise you a father,
who raised me.
322
00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:10,779
So, uh,
323
00:15:10,822 --> 00:15:12,999
we've both got something
to live for, you know?
324
00:15:15,218 --> 00:15:18,482
KLINGER:
New bets for old.
New bets for old.
325
00:15:18,526 --> 00:15:20,963
It's now
a whole new bridge game.
326
00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:24,097
Winchester-Houlihan
versus Potter-Hunnicutt.
327
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:26,012
You can't tell the players
without a scorecard.
328
00:15:26,055 --> 00:15:28,101
And these players
you can't tell anything.
329
00:15:28,144 --> 00:15:29,711
Margaret, let me get you
that scotch now.
330
00:15:29,754 --> 00:15:31,321
It might help
to relieve the pressure.
331
00:15:31,365 --> 00:15:33,106
You know how tightly
wound you are.
332
00:15:33,149 --> 00:15:34,629
Thank you, Colonel,
333
00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:36,718
for that transparent attempt
to get the major soused.
334
00:15:36,761 --> 00:15:38,328
We'll pass until
the victory celebration.
335
00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:39,895
Don't forget, Charles.
336
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,331
Even though I'm not
your partner anymore,
337
00:15:41,375 --> 00:15:43,203
you still owe me
breakfast in bed.
338
00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:45,466
Dream on,
Captain Hornblower.
339
00:15:45,509 --> 00:15:48,686
After the way
you butchered that last game?
340
00:15:48,730 --> 00:15:50,950
-Forget it.
-Breakfast in bed
for your partner?
341
00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:53,126
Charles,
what a wonderful idea.
342
00:15:53,169 --> 00:15:55,215
I'll have scrambled eggs
and toast.
343
00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:58,044
If anyone's getting
breakfast in the boudoir,
344
00:15:58,087 --> 00:15:59,741
I say it ought to be
the winners--
345
00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:01,961
-Fine.
-Served up by the losers.
346
00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:06,835
Aha-ha-ha.
Then lay out your finest
busboy ensemble, Colonel.
347
00:16:06,878 --> 00:16:10,926
[chuckles]
I start the bidding
with one heart.
348
00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:13,624
Two clubs.
349
00:16:14,886 --> 00:16:16,888
My goodness,
it's quiet in here.
350
00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:18,281
Are you sure
they're still alive?
351
00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:19,979
[gasps] Pervert!
352
00:16:20,022 --> 00:16:21,415
POTTER:
What in the Sam Hill?
353
00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:23,634
He's playing footsie
with me under the table!
354
00:16:23,678 --> 00:16:26,028
Charles, how gauche.
355
00:16:26,072 --> 00:16:27,812
Don't flatter yourself,
Margaret.
356
00:16:27,856 --> 00:16:29,466
He was trying to give you
bidding signals.
357
00:16:29,510 --> 00:16:32,861
The only thing worse
than a pervert is a cheat!
358
00:16:32,904 --> 00:16:36,473
I was innocently
stretching my leg.
359
00:16:36,517 --> 00:16:38,475
I've been sitting here
for over an hour.
360
00:16:38,519 --> 00:16:40,521
How'd you like to be
kneeling for a week
361
00:16:40,564 --> 00:16:42,262
over a dirty latrine?
362
00:16:42,305 --> 00:16:46,005
I cannot play with this woman!
She is a dolt and a prude.
363
00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:48,137
Well, I'm stuck
with Hunnicutt's foul-ups,
364
00:16:48,181 --> 00:16:50,966
but you don't see me
sobbin' in my suds.
365
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,750
That's it. I'm not
givin' up any more sleep
366
00:16:52,794 --> 00:16:54,013
for this nightmare.
367
00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:56,711
I've had it
with Major Touchy-Feely!
368
00:16:56,754 --> 00:17:01,368
Wait, wait. You must realize
that all great competitors,
369
00:17:01,411 --> 00:17:03,805
like great tennis racquets,
are tightly strung.
370
00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:05,067
Surely we can find some way
371
00:17:05,111 --> 00:17:07,809
around these trivial personality
conflicts.
372
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:11,813
I have this wonderful
fantasy
373
00:17:11,856 --> 00:17:13,815
of the three of us
driving back to camp,
374
00:17:13,858 --> 00:17:16,078
where I can operate properly
on those head wounds.
375
00:17:16,122 --> 00:17:18,167
My alternate fantasy's
not so bad, either.
376
00:17:18,211 --> 00:17:20,387
We drive back to your camp,
377
00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:21,649
and I spend
the rest of the war
378
00:17:21,692 --> 00:17:22,998
waiting for Red Cross
packages,
379
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,782
admiring your
gentlemanly observance
380
00:17:24,826 --> 00:17:26,219
of the Geneva Convention.
381
00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:29,831
-[gasping]
-[Korean]
382
00:17:31,485 --> 00:17:33,008
He can't breathe.
His airway's blocked.
383
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,227
[Korean]
384
00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:36,055
Come here. Come here.
I need your help.
385
00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:37,534
I gotta-- I gotta
open up his windpipe.
386
00:17:37,578 --> 00:17:38,753
[gasping continues]
387
00:17:38,796 --> 00:17:39,754
Damn it. Come here.
388
00:17:39,797 --> 00:17:41,190
I need you to hold him down
389
00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:43,279
so I can make an opening
in his windpipe.
390
00:17:45,542 --> 00:17:47,109
Will you get down here?
391
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:50,112
I need you to hold him down
so I can open up his throat!
392
00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:52,767
Do you hear what I'm saying?
Damn it, now! Get down here!
393
00:17:52,810 --> 00:17:53,898
Hold him down.
394
00:17:58,207 --> 00:17:59,774
Don't worry about your gun.
395
00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:01,036
There'll be plenty of time
later to kill me.
396
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,038
KLINGER:
Who'd have thunk it?
397
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,258
Houlihan-Hunnicutt
beating the daylights
398
00:18:05,301 --> 00:18:06,868
out of Potter-Winchester.
399
00:18:06,911 --> 00:18:08,870
It's a topsy-turvy world
we live in, folks.
400
00:18:08,913 --> 00:18:10,872
-Go, Margaret!
-[laughing]
401
00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:13,135
-Watch my dust.
-What a massacre.
402
00:18:13,179 --> 00:18:15,616
The Davids are about
to slay the Goliaths.
403
00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:17,139
This is your fault,
Winchester.
404
00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:18,488
You wouldn't
support my hearts.
405
00:18:18,532 --> 00:18:19,968
You wouldn't support
my diamonds.
406
00:18:20,011 --> 00:18:22,275
Winchester, I'd like
to trump your face.
407
00:18:22,318 --> 00:18:24,886
That does it. Small slam.
We win the rubber.
408
00:18:24,929 --> 00:18:26,888
[crowd groaning]
409
00:18:26,931 --> 00:18:29,064
-Beaver biscuits!
-Let's celebrate.
410
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,153
All of that winning
made me thirsty.
411
00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:33,982
Colonel. I can say
quite categorically
412
00:18:34,025 --> 00:18:36,376
that you are the doodle's
weaver of bridge.
413
00:18:36,419 --> 00:18:37,942
Thank you.
I like it.
414
00:18:37,986 --> 00:18:39,944
Of course, you do.
415
00:18:39,988 --> 00:18:41,990
Klinger, I believe
there's the small matter
416
00:18:42,033 --> 00:18:43,122
of the wagers
to be settled.
417
00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:44,471
Are you kidding?
418
00:18:44,514 --> 00:18:46,603
Everybody bet on either
Potter or Winchester.
419
00:18:46,647 --> 00:18:48,953
Who knew these two would
turn out to be the winners?
420
00:18:48,997 --> 00:18:50,955
Klinger, if you'll recheck
your receipts,
421
00:18:50,999 --> 00:18:55,960
I think you'll find
someone did bet on
Houlihan and Hunnicutt.
422
00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:58,746
Hey, you're right. 20 bucks
on Houlihan and Hunnicutt
423
00:18:58,789 --> 00:19:01,705
bet by Father Francis Mulcahy.
424
00:19:01,749 --> 00:19:03,272
Hey, Father,
how come you knew
425
00:19:03,316 --> 00:19:04,534
Margaret and I
would win?
426
00:19:04,578 --> 00:19:06,057
My money was
on her and Charles.
427
00:19:06,101 --> 00:19:08,059
Oh, ye of little faith.
428
00:19:08,103 --> 00:19:09,800
I knew if those two
ever teamed up,
429
00:19:09,844 --> 00:19:12,934
their giant egos would
cancel each other out.
430
00:19:12,977 --> 00:19:14,849
Besides, any horse player
will tell you,
431
00:19:14,892 --> 00:19:17,504
when the money is split
between the favorites,
432
00:19:17,547 --> 00:19:19,027
bet on the long shot.
433
00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:21,769
You're doing great, pal.
Just hang in there.
434
00:19:21,812 --> 00:19:23,684
Okay, now for the hard part.
Come here.
435
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:24,728
Give me your hand.
Give me your hand.
436
00:19:24,772 --> 00:19:26,382
Put it down here.
437
00:19:26,426 --> 00:19:28,341
You gotta pull the skin back,
keep the trachea open.
438
00:19:28,384 --> 00:19:29,516
I'm gonna
get something in there
439
00:19:29,559 --> 00:19:30,908
so he can breathe
through it.
440
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:33,868
Please let me have a pen.
441
00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:35,826
A pen.
442
00:19:35,870 --> 00:19:37,785
Let's just hope it's
mightier than the sword.
443
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:40,614
[blows]
444
00:19:40,657 --> 00:19:42,224
Pull it back. Pull it back.
445
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:45,749
I gotta get this in so he
can breathe through it.
446
00:19:45,793 --> 00:19:48,143
Now, if I could just
get in that opening.
447
00:19:49,971 --> 00:19:51,102
Okay.
448
00:19:53,757 --> 00:19:55,846
Wait a minute.
He's not breathing.
449
00:19:58,153 --> 00:19:59,154
God.
450
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,896
[exhaling forcefully]
451
00:20:05,726 --> 00:20:07,206
Come on, breathe!
452
00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:09,120
[exhaling continues]
453
00:20:11,558 --> 00:20:13,821
Come on! Come on!
454
00:20:13,864 --> 00:20:17,607
[grunting]
455
00:20:17,651 --> 00:20:19,914
[grunt]
Come on.
456
00:20:21,263 --> 00:20:23,309
Come on. Give me a pulse.
457
00:20:30,185 --> 00:20:31,926
I'm sorry. I tried.
458
00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:36,931
I haven't the equipment.
459
00:20:55,297 --> 00:20:57,821
[Korean]
460
00:22:14,637 --> 00:22:16,639
If you had lead clubs
after I bit them,
461
00:22:16,683 --> 00:22:19,163
we wouldn't be here now
as dumb waiters.
462
00:22:19,207 --> 00:22:21,252
Buzz off, Slim.
And I did lead clubs.
463
00:22:21,296 --> 00:22:22,689
You lead spades.
464
00:22:22,732 --> 00:22:24,386
Clubs look like
little clover things.
465
00:22:24,430 --> 00:22:26,170
The spades look like
little shovels.
466
00:22:26,214 --> 00:22:29,565
I'm gonna take a large shovel
and knock you to Guam.
467
00:22:29,609 --> 00:22:32,699
What a shame to have wasted
all these years as a doctor
468
00:22:32,742 --> 00:22:35,179
when I could have been
doing this for a living.
469
00:22:36,877 --> 00:22:38,052
Hunnicutt?
470
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:44,275
Hu-- Well, hello.
Well, well.
471
00:22:44,319 --> 00:22:46,756
The chef has prepared
your breakfast
as per your request.
472
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:47,975
The eggs
are crisp and brown,
473
00:22:48,018 --> 00:22:49,280
and the bacon
is yellow and runny.
474
00:22:49,324 --> 00:22:51,108
May you gag on every bite.
475
00:22:51,152 --> 00:22:53,154
Why should this breakfast
be any different?
476
00:22:53,197 --> 00:22:55,156
[muttering]
477
00:22:55,199 --> 00:22:57,593
Good heavens.
What time did he
drag himself in?
478
00:22:57,637 --> 00:22:59,247
How would I know?
I was asleep.
479
00:22:59,290 --> 00:23:02,076
From the looks of him,
he had one wild R&R.
480
00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:04,948
[scoffs] And he
calls himself a doctor.
481
00:23:04,992 --> 00:23:06,515
♪♪
482
00:23:18,092 --> 00:23:20,703
♪♪ [theme]
35799
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