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♪♪ [theme]
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Yes, sir. Mildred says it's
the first one on the block.
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00:00:56,491 --> 00:00:58,536
Made by the DuMont folks.
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00:00:58,580 --> 00:01:00,147
Comes in a handsome
wood cabinet
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00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:01,496
with little saloon doors.
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00:01:01,539 --> 00:01:03,585
B.J.: Peg and I
just love television.
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We'd cuddle up and smooch
while we watched.
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00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,415
One night we got
so carried away,
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00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:08,720
we almost fell
through the store window.
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00:01:08,764 --> 00:01:10,722
[laughing]
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CHARLES: Television is just
12
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a passing fad, a toy.
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The only time I ever
switched on a receiver,
14
00:01:15,379 --> 00:01:17,120
I was confronted
with a smiling,
15
00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:19,079
singing seltzer
pill named Speedy.
16
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MARGARET:
Phooey on you.
17
00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:23,518
Imagine being able
to see what Jack Benny
really looks like.
18
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According to Mildred,
he's four inches high
19
00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:27,130
with a ripple in his middle
20
00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:29,567
and a little ghost that
stands right next to him.
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Salutations, burners
of the midnight oil.
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We've got a customer.
23
00:01:32,831 --> 00:01:34,268
Over here, Klinger.
24
00:01:34,311 --> 00:01:36,008
I'm all dressed up
with no place to sew.
25
00:01:36,052 --> 00:01:38,315
You're about to patch up
Sergeant Michael Yee.
26
00:01:38,359 --> 00:01:42,102
His buddies in pre-op say he's
a bona fide decorated hero.
27
00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:43,973
I read about him
in Stars and Stripes.
28
00:01:44,016 --> 00:01:45,583
He's seen a lot of action.
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HAWKEYE:
Look at all those scars.
30
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He's a V.I.P., all right.
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00:01:48,586 --> 00:01:50,458
A very injured person.
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Klinger, what the devil's
33
00:01:51,981 --> 00:01:54,026
in that enormous crate
in your office?
34
00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:56,116
Oh, it caught
the colonel's eye?
35
00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:58,509
It damn near caught
the colonel's toe.
36
00:01:58,553 --> 00:02:00,163
I strongly recommend
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you ship that receptacle
out of tripping range.
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-Capisce?
-Ah, fret not, hostile honcho.
39
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That crate contains
boundless wonders
40
00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:10,391
from the four corners
of Toledo.
41
00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:13,089
-Klinger, have you seen--
-[hammering]
42
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,135
Great balls of fire!
43
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[hammering continues]
44
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Klinger!
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Colonel, thank goodness
you're here.
46
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Could you give me a nail?
47
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You wouldn't like
where I'd put it.
48
00:02:31,629 --> 00:02:33,631
Why does my
company clerk's office
49
00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:36,068
look like
Polly Adler's parlor?
50
00:02:36,112 --> 00:02:38,723
Sir, these are treasures
of my civilian world.
51
00:02:38,767 --> 00:02:41,465
My mom sent me a
few things from my room.
52
00:02:41,509 --> 00:02:43,815
Made you sleep in
the attic, did she?
53
00:02:43,859 --> 00:02:46,078
What, pray tell, is this?
54
00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:47,645
Shanklish cheese, sir.
55
00:02:47,689 --> 00:02:50,518
Sort of a Lebanese Limburger.
Aromatic, isn't it?
56
00:02:50,561 --> 00:02:52,911
Makes the whole office
smell like feet.
57
00:02:52,955 --> 00:02:56,001
Am I to take it the colonel
is displeased with the decor?
58
00:02:56,045 --> 00:02:58,003
Bull's-eye, Corporal.
59
00:02:58,047 --> 00:03:00,832
Now, take these
Arabian... nightmares...
60
00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:03,835
and put 'em where they
belong--in the minefield.
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00:03:03,879 --> 00:03:07,839
Sir, you would destroy
my family's precious heirlooms?
62
00:03:07,883 --> 00:03:09,928
My father's trophy.
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00:03:09,972 --> 00:03:13,410
Three times Bowler of the Year,
at the height of the Depression.
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00:03:13,454 --> 00:03:17,109
My uncle Hakim was married
under this lamp, twice!
65
00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:19,590
And look, with my
Aunt Fatima's rug,
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00:03:19,634 --> 00:03:21,810
I made a private room.
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00:03:21,853 --> 00:03:23,638
If you don't take it down,
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00:03:23,681 --> 00:03:26,597
this is going to be
a private's room.
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00:03:26,641 --> 00:03:28,077
With all due respect, sir,
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00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,427
I think most people would
find these homey touches
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quite refreshing
and beautiful.
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00:03:32,255 --> 00:03:34,562
Corporal, I could order you
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00:03:34,605 --> 00:03:37,565
to clear out
the Harem Home Furnishings,
74
00:03:37,608 --> 00:03:40,655
but let's let democracy ring.
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00:03:40,698 --> 00:03:42,700
Go corral a couple
of your favorite doctors
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00:03:42,744 --> 00:03:44,572
for a second opinion.
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00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:46,356
They were so close,
I could hear 'em breathing.
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00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,488
MARGARET: Mmm.
79
00:03:47,531 --> 00:03:48,880
So I threw a grenade
and took off.
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00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:50,665
Half hour later, I ran
into a platoon of G.I.s
81
00:03:50,708 --> 00:03:52,275
digging in for the night.
82
00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:54,669
I told the second looey he had
two divisions coming at him
83
00:03:54,712 --> 00:03:56,714
and, if he stayed there,
he was gonna be overrun.
84
00:03:56,758 --> 00:03:59,064
-He must have been
very grateful.
-[chuckles]
85
00:03:59,108 --> 00:04:01,458
He looks me over,
points his weapon at me,
86
00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:04,592
and says, "Who won
the World Series in '50?"
87
00:04:04,635 --> 00:04:07,421
-He thought you were a spy.
-Oh, you're not kidding.
88
00:04:07,464 --> 00:04:09,640
I had to go through the
whole story on how the Yankees
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00:04:09,684 --> 00:04:11,599
clobbered the Whiz Kids
in four straight.
90
00:04:11,642 --> 00:04:13,731
-How awful.
-I know. I'm a Phillies fan.
91
00:04:13,775 --> 00:04:15,516
[laughing]
92
00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:17,692
I'm not up on baseball myself,
93
00:04:17,735 --> 00:04:20,434
although I am partial
to the Cardinals.
94
00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:22,523
-Oh, Father.
-[laughing]
95
00:04:22,566 --> 00:04:24,394
Hey, what's going on here?
96
00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:26,266
This man's supposed to stay
off his funny bone for a week.
97
00:04:26,309 --> 00:04:27,919
Pierce,
I'm glad you're here.
98
00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:29,878
Sergeant Yee's been asking
for you all morning.
99
00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:31,836
Yeah, Doc.
You gotta get me out of here.
100
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,534
-My unit's moving up again.
-What's your hurry?
101
00:04:33,577 --> 00:04:35,710
We just did a major
repair job on your leg.
102
00:04:35,753 --> 00:04:37,712
You don't want to run off
while you're still
under warranty.
103
00:04:37,755 --> 00:04:39,975
Come on, Doc. You gotta
get me back on the line.
104
00:04:40,018 --> 00:04:41,455
The only fighting
you're gonna be doing
105
00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:43,326
is for a window seat
on the plane home.
106
00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:45,633
-Home?
-Yeah, you remember.
107
00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:47,548
Where the buffalo roam?
108
00:04:47,591 --> 00:04:48,984
Where taps are those
little things
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Shirley Temple
wears on her shoes.
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Home.
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Wow, I gotta let that sink in.
112
00:04:56,034 --> 00:04:58,733
Well, let it sink.
You're on your way.
113
00:04:58,776 --> 00:05:01,344
Sir and madam sir.
There's an impromptu meeting
114
00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:02,737
of the entire staff
in my office.
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We had a staff meeting
yesterday.
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Important new business.
Let's go.
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Well! Huh?
118
00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:16,751
What do you think?
119
00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:22,365
[giggling]
120
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:28,893
You said this was a staff
meeting, not a rummage sale.
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You've got everything here
but a statue with a clock
in its stomach.
122
00:05:32,070 --> 00:05:35,552
[laughing]
123
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Klinger--[clears throat]
looking at these treasures,
124
00:05:38,599 --> 00:05:41,950
I now understand why
Toledo is kept in Ohio.
125
00:05:41,993 --> 00:05:45,432
These are treasures!
That's a genuine Persian rug.
126
00:05:45,475 --> 00:05:47,912
You rich people use 'em
in your houses.
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00:05:47,956 --> 00:05:49,697
Not as walls.
128
00:05:51,612 --> 00:05:54,136
Will you also be laying some
paintings on the floor?
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00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:56,225
Klinger, you've
outdone yourself.
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00:05:56,268 --> 00:05:59,097
There's not one thing
here that belongs
on a military base.
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00:05:59,141 --> 00:06:02,449
-Unless you're with a unit
of fighting grandmothers.
-[laughs]
132
00:06:02,492 --> 00:06:06,322
-Of course, the cheese does
have killing capabilities.
-Oh, yeah.
133
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,063
Son, looks like all
the votes are in.
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Heirlooms 1, garbage 5.
135
00:06:11,588 --> 00:06:15,766
Oh, I get it. I get it.
136
00:06:15,810 --> 00:06:17,899
I'm over here
fighting for democracy
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00:06:17,942 --> 00:06:20,249
for everybody but me.
138
00:06:20,292 --> 00:06:22,904
-Aww.
-You have chintz curtains.
139
00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:26,255
-But--
-And you two guys
have a distillery.
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00:06:26,298 --> 00:06:29,040
And you have a
red velvet pillow.
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00:06:29,084 --> 00:06:31,391
And you, sir,
have a saddle
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-and a painting of a thumb.
-Oh!
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00:06:34,089 --> 00:06:36,265
None of that stuff
will vault you
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00:06:36,308 --> 00:06:39,224
into the pages of
Better Homes and Gardens.
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00:06:39,268 --> 00:06:40,748
Well, this is my room.
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00:06:40,791 --> 00:06:43,533
Why can't I put up
my own personal tchotchkes?
147
00:06:43,577 --> 00:06:47,232
Because this is also
our reception room.
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00:06:47,276 --> 00:06:50,105
Folks get their
first impression from
what they see here,
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00:06:50,148 --> 00:06:52,586
and I don't want 'em thinking
this is a weekend retreat
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00:06:52,629 --> 00:06:54,457
for Ali Baba
and the missus.
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00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:57,242
-But, Colonel--
-Thank you, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury.
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The defendant is
found guilty
153
00:06:58,809 --> 00:07:01,159
of littering and second-degree
eye-slaughter.
154
00:07:01,203 --> 00:07:05,120
Actually,
this place does look
kind of chic and Arab-y.
155
00:07:05,163 --> 00:07:06,513
[laughing]
156
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Thanks a lot, pals!
157
00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:09,864
[loud laughing]
158
00:07:09,907 --> 00:07:12,780
Now, look, son, you've
had your little fling.
159
00:07:12,823 --> 00:07:15,957
You've got one hour to crate
up these carny prizes.
160
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,612
Sir, this took me all
night to put 'em up.
161
00:07:18,655 --> 00:07:20,440
How can I take 'em down
in an hour?
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00:07:20,483 --> 00:07:21,745
Rub this.
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- Uh, uh--
- Knock-knock.
164
00:07:26,402 --> 00:07:29,753
You're back? Some late-breaking
bon mots at my expense?
165
00:07:29,797 --> 00:07:31,233
-No.
-We wanted to make sure
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00:07:31,276 --> 00:07:32,626
you didn't take
this too seriously.
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00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:34,584
It was all in good fun,
if not in good taste.
168
00:07:34,628 --> 00:07:36,717
Sure, sure.
169
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,196
You're not gonna stew
about this, are you?
170
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:39,502
Nah. There's
an old Arabic saying:
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He who lives in a tent
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00:07:41,199 --> 00:07:42,940
knows that all things
blow over. Right?
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00:07:42,984 --> 00:07:44,638
Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay.
174
00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:47,423
I love your place,
really. Really.
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00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,685
[door closes]
176
00:07:48,729 --> 00:07:50,818
There's another
old Arabic saying:
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00:07:50,861 --> 00:07:54,212
When the going gets tough,
the nomad gets going.
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00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:57,868
[crank turning]
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00:07:57,912 --> 00:08:00,610
Sparky? Klinger. Don't ask.
180
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:02,090
Listen, Spark,
I need some help
181
00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:05,920
filling out a set
of discharge papers.
182
00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:08,009
I'll tell you
who's getting sprung--
183
00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:10,011
the only friend
I got in this camp.
184
00:08:10,054 --> 00:08:11,839
-Now, watch this.
-Yeah.
185
00:08:13,754 --> 00:08:17,192
-Did I hit one?
-No, but we have
a new peephole.
186
00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:20,543
Watch this shot.
I saw it in a rodeo once.
187
00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:22,023
Wait! Wait a minute! Geez!
188
00:08:24,025 --> 00:08:25,374
-All right.
-Uh-huh.
189
00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:28,377
-One, two...
-Uh-huh.
190
00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:30,640
-Three.
-[screaming]
191
00:08:30,684 --> 00:08:31,728
[glass shatters]
192
00:08:31,772 --> 00:08:33,991
What in the hell?
You behemoth!
193
00:08:34,035 --> 00:08:35,645
Look what you've done!
194
00:08:35,689 --> 00:08:38,169
You've broken the bulb
in my reading lamp!
195
00:08:38,213 --> 00:08:40,258
Oh, what a shame. You'll
have to wait till sunup
196
00:08:40,302 --> 00:08:41,869
to find out if
the Little Engine could.
197
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:44,045
Captain Pierce, Colonel Potter
needs you in post-op.
198
00:08:44,088 --> 00:08:46,743
-What's up?
-It's Sergeant Yee. Hurry!
199
00:08:46,787 --> 00:08:49,354
I thought everybody was asleep,
and then I heard a crash.
200
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:51,443
He broke his water glass,
and by the time I got to him,
201
00:08:51,487 --> 00:08:52,967
he'd already
slashed his wrists.
202
00:08:53,010 --> 00:08:55,404
Pretty deep too.
Could be tendon damage.
203
00:08:55,447 --> 00:08:57,624
Geez, he pulled out
all my sutures.
204
00:08:57,667 --> 00:08:59,408
He doesn't just need stitching,
he needs reweaving.
205
00:08:59,451 --> 00:09:00,583
Let's get him into O.R.
206
00:09:00,627 --> 00:09:02,019
I don't understand.
207
00:09:02,063 --> 00:09:04,761
Why would a man like that
try to commit suicide?
208
00:09:04,805 --> 00:09:06,763
Sherman...
209
00:09:07,895 --> 00:09:10,811
T. Potter.
210
00:09:16,207 --> 00:09:18,645
[imitating Potter]
Sherman...
211
00:09:18,688 --> 00:09:22,649
T. Potter.
212
00:09:22,692 --> 00:09:25,652
Perfecto!
Could fool his own mother.
213
00:09:27,392 --> 00:09:30,482
Sherman T.--
214
00:09:30,526 --> 00:09:31,962
B.J.:
Hey, Klinger.
215
00:09:34,399 --> 00:09:35,705
Captain, this is
hardly the hour
216
00:09:35,749 --> 00:09:37,838
to come barging
into my private room
217
00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:39,666
though from the impersonal
furnishings,
218
00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:41,319
it could belong to anybody.
219
00:09:41,363 --> 00:09:43,408
Sorry. I'm not gonna
get a wink of sleep
220
00:09:43,452 --> 00:09:45,149
till I get Winchester
a lightbulb.
221
00:09:45,193 --> 00:09:46,760
We're out of lightbulbs.
Good night.
222
00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:50,241
Klinger, why are you
sitting like that?
223
00:09:50,285 --> 00:09:51,678
Oh.
224
00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:54,071
-Lumbago, sir.
-Hmm.
225
00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:56,726
Very unusual in one so young.
Maybe I should take a look.
226
00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:58,554
Oh, it's gone.
I'm fine.
227
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,991
-What are you hiding?
-Oh, come on, sir.
228
00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:02,993
Klinger.
Haven't you learned
229
00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:04,429
you'll never
get away with this?
230
00:10:04,473 --> 00:10:07,650
Ah, but now
I'm company clerk.
231
00:10:07,694 --> 00:10:09,434
I have assembled
everything necessary
232
00:10:09,478 --> 00:10:11,480
for the man who wants to
get away from it all.
233
00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:13,656
Letter from my mother,
234
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:17,138
obviously distraught at
my father's imminent demise.
235
00:10:17,181 --> 00:10:19,183
Here's one from
the family priest,
236
00:10:19,227 --> 00:10:22,143
swearing that "If Max doesn't
come home immediately
237
00:10:22,186 --> 00:10:24,798
the family will be penniless
and on the dole."
238
00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:28,889
Here's the piece de resistance
from Colonel Potter himself.
239
00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:31,587
"It is with a heavy heart
that I give my official
240
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,415
"okeydokey to
this lad's adios.
241
00:10:33,458 --> 00:10:35,417
"Sincerely, Sherman T. Potter.
242
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:37,854
P.S. Please forgive
the tear stains
on this parchment."
243
00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:39,464
Klinger, this is nuts.
244
00:10:39,508 --> 00:10:41,162
The colonel's gonna know
he didn't discharge you.
245
00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:43,512
He'll have every M.P.
in Korea on your tail.
246
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:46,733
-Captain, this isn't
a mashed potato.
-Huh?
247
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:49,779
Tomorrow I ask the colonel
for a three-day pass.
248
00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:51,955
By the time he realizes
I'm missing,
249
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:54,697
I'll be a face in the crowd
at a Mud Hens game.
250
00:10:54,741 --> 00:10:57,918
You dummy!
Toledo is the first place
they're gonna look for you.
251
00:10:57,961 --> 00:11:00,747
Sure, for Max Klinger,
252
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:03,619
but not for Sven Lundgren.
253
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:04,881
-Sven?
-Shh!
254
00:11:04,925 --> 00:11:06,709
Yumpin' yiminy, not so loud.
255
00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:08,102
It'll never work.
256
00:11:08,145 --> 00:11:09,625
You'd have to bleach
your entire body.
257
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,453
Thanks! That'll clinch it.
258
00:11:11,496 --> 00:11:13,716
You Swedish meatball.
259
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,239
The whole point of this thing
is to get your freedom, right?
260
00:11:15,283 --> 00:11:18,765
You catch on fast,
oh friend of Sven.
261
00:11:18,808 --> 00:11:20,201
Spending your entire life
on the run
262
00:11:20,244 --> 00:11:23,770
living under an assumed
name, with assumed hair,
263
00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:25,815
knowing that at any moment
you could end up in the clink.
264
00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:27,208
Does that sound like freedom?
265
00:11:27,251 --> 00:11:30,951
Hmm. Maybe you're right.
266
00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:33,910
What made me think
one heartsore corporal
267
00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:36,957
could outsmart the entire
United States government?
268
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,047
It's a stupid plan,
but you gotta admit
269
00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:43,964
that is a pretty authentic
"Sherman T. Potter."
270
00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:45,487
Could fool his own mother.
271
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,712
Attaboy.
272
00:11:52,755 --> 00:11:54,975
B.J.? You're not gonna
fink on me.
273
00:11:55,018 --> 00:11:57,325
Hey, I just came
in for a lightbulb.
274
00:11:58,587 --> 00:11:59,893
What a swell guy.
275
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,812
I'm gonna miss him.
276
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:08,292
[imitating Potter]
Sherman T. Potter.
277
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:15,865
Bulb: light.
Type: screw.
278
00:12:15,909 --> 00:12:18,781
Wattage: 60. Quantity: one.
279
00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:21,305
You are only ordering one?
280
00:12:21,349 --> 00:12:24,308
That's all I need. I have
no use for lightbulbs.
281
00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:26,397
It's not like
I have my own lamp.
282
00:12:26,441 --> 00:12:29,270
I guess I could always
screw one into the floor.
283
00:12:29,313 --> 00:12:33,448
Klinger, whatever has
become of your frivolous
pet-like demeanor?
284
00:12:33,491 --> 00:12:36,364
Your bulb should be here
tomorrow, Major.
285
00:12:36,407 --> 00:12:38,322
Thank you, Corporal.
286
00:12:40,281 --> 00:12:43,806
And, uh, in all honesty,
I prefer you this way.
287
00:12:45,112 --> 00:12:47,288
"Pet-like demeanor."
288
00:12:47,331 --> 00:12:49,203
Him I won't miss.
289
00:12:53,816 --> 00:12:55,949
-Thanks for the lift, Sergeant.
-My pleasure, doc.
290
00:12:55,992 --> 00:12:57,689
You know, I've never met
a head shrink before.
291
00:12:57,733 --> 00:12:58,995
Am I okay?
292
00:12:59,039 --> 00:13:01,476
I'd never get rich on you.
293
00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:04,044
Well, Max. Last time
I saw your face,
294
00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:05,741
it was under a bonnet.
295
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,613
-Dr. Freedman.
-You seem awfully formal.
296
00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:10,964
What'd you expect?
Pet-like demeanor?
297
00:13:11,007 --> 00:13:12,487
Uh-huh.
298
00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:13,923
I assume Sergeant Yee's
in post-op.
299
00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:15,142
Yeah,they're waiting for you.
300
00:13:15,185 --> 00:13:18,101
-Thanks.
-Sure. Go on.
301
00:13:18,145 --> 00:13:19,842
Abandon me like
everybody else.
302
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:22,889
Trample my feelings like
they were so many dead roses.
303
00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:26,240
Uh, Klinger,
can you hold that thought?
304
00:13:26,283 --> 00:13:30,418
You Klinger?
You got something
going to I-Corps?
305
00:13:30,461 --> 00:13:33,203
Oh, I wasn't expecting you
till this afternoon.
306
00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:34,726
The lights were with me.
307
00:13:34,770 --> 00:13:37,599
You got a packet
or don't you?
I gotta move.
308
00:13:37,642 --> 00:13:39,470
Yeah. I got a packet.
309
00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:47,174
[sighs]
310
00:13:47,217 --> 00:13:48,566
Are you gonna give it to me,
311
00:13:48,610 --> 00:13:51,265
or are you gonna send
it by carrier pigeon?
312
00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:53,571
Here, go on. The G-1
is waiting for it,
313
00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:55,878
so move it out smartly.
314
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:58,881
You know, that doctor could
do you a world of good, pal.
315
00:13:58,925 --> 00:14:01,318
You take it from a guy that's
playing with a full deck.
316
00:14:07,585 --> 00:14:09,196
Three-day passes.
317
00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:11,894
Three-day passes.
318
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:14,462
Most of the attempted
suicides over here
319
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:17,204
are young kids going to war
for the first time
320
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:20,772
but Sergeant Yee fought
in Europe in World War II.
321
00:14:20,816 --> 00:14:22,905
Nothing like the combat
record he's got here,
322
00:14:22,949 --> 00:14:25,342
but he was
a competent soldier.
323
00:14:25,386 --> 00:14:27,779
What do you think it is,
Sidney?
324
00:14:27,823 --> 00:14:30,521
I think it's time
I went to the source.
325
00:14:37,398 --> 00:14:39,356
-Hello, Sidney.
-Hello, Margaret.
326
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,705
Father Mulcahy.
327
00:14:40,749 --> 00:14:42,925
Hello there, doctor.
Glad you're here.
328
00:14:42,969 --> 00:14:45,058
Lieutenant, may I talk
with your patient?
329
00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:48,931
You can talk, but he's not
big on answers, doctor.
330
00:14:48,975 --> 00:14:50,672
I'll be over there
if you need me.
331
00:14:50,715 --> 00:14:51,891
-Great.
-Sidney.
332
00:14:56,721 --> 00:14:59,376
Hello, Sergeant.
I'm Sidney Freedman.
333
00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:03,250
-I'm a psychiatrist.
-They tell you I was nuts?
334
00:15:03,293 --> 00:15:05,165
They told me you tried
to kill yourself.
335
00:15:05,208 --> 00:15:07,341
It's not easy to do
in a hospital.
336
00:15:07,384 --> 00:15:08,646
Why did you try?
337
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,128
I wanted to go
back and fight.
338
00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:15,523
-Wouldn't you rather go home?
-Goldbricks go home.
339
00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:17,568
You've been badly wounded.
340
00:15:17,612 --> 00:15:20,484
That hardly makes you
a goldbrick, Michael.
341
00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:21,790
May I call you Michael?
342
00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:23,487
You call me what you want.
343
00:15:23,531 --> 00:15:27,274
Michael, right now what
you need most is rest.
344
00:15:27,317 --> 00:15:30,755
I think I can help you.
Will you let me try?
345
00:15:32,496 --> 00:15:34,020
Do I have to do anything?
346
00:15:34,063 --> 00:15:35,847
All you have to do is relax.
347
00:15:37,327 --> 00:15:39,329
All right?
348
00:15:43,551 --> 00:15:45,118
I want you to look at this.
349
00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:48,817
Keep your eyes on it.
350
00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:58,174
Klinger.
351
00:15:58,218 --> 00:15:59,828
You interrupted, sir?
352
00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:01,264
Klinger,
ever since yesterday,
353
00:16:01,308 --> 00:16:04,093
you've been surly to bed
and surly to rise.
354
00:16:04,137 --> 00:16:05,703
And with good
reason, sir. You--
355
00:16:05,747 --> 00:16:07,618
I'm trying to say
I'm sorry for the way
356
00:16:07,662 --> 00:16:10,447
we all made sport
of your decor.
357
00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:12,449
Talk is cheap, sir.
358
00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:16,279
If the colonel really cares
about my shattered feelings,
359
00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:19,326
perhaps he'd authorize
a three-day pass for me.
360
00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:21,023
Jim-dandy idea.
Glad to do it.
361
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,459
You are?
362
00:16:22,503 --> 00:16:24,026
You betcha. That'll
be just the ticket
363
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:26,420
to put the twinkle back
in your twenty-twentys.
364
00:16:26,463 --> 00:16:28,422
As a matter of fact,
let's do 'er.
365
00:16:28,465 --> 00:16:31,251
-I'll put my moniker
on one right now.
-Now, sir?
366
00:16:31,294 --> 00:16:33,688
-You mean now?
-No sense dillydallying.
367
00:16:33,731 --> 00:16:36,821
Where do you stow those forms,
under "W" for whoopee?
368
00:16:36,865 --> 00:16:39,128
Well, what do you know?
Here's one on my desk.
369
00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:41,696
Good.
370
00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:43,698
Sherman...
371
00:16:43,741 --> 00:16:46,353
T. Potter.
372
00:16:46,396 --> 00:16:48,572
-Perfecto.
-Compliments of the management.
373
00:16:48,616 --> 00:16:51,227
-Sir, you're too kind.
-And here's a bonus for you.
374
00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:53,360
You had a point about homey
touches making the war
375
00:16:53,403 --> 00:16:54,926
go down a little easier.
376
00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:59,583
So feel free to put up any
one of your gypsy doodads.
377
00:17:01,324 --> 00:17:04,023
[grunts]
Except the cheese.
378
00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:06,590
Thank you, sir.
I'll pick something out later.
379
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:09,593
Well, suit yourself.
Have a bang-up trip.
380
00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:11,813
Yes, sir.
And thank you again, sir.
381
00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:18,863
Captain! Thank goodness
you're still here.
382
00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:20,256
Rizzo said you'd just
signed out the last jeep.
383
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:21,866
Yep, I got a free afternoon,
384
00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:23,607
so thought I'd go drown
a couple of worms.
385
00:17:23,651 --> 00:17:25,131
-You gotta let me
have that jeep.
-Why?
386
00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:26,523
You know those
forged discharge papers
387
00:17:26,567 --> 00:17:28,177
-I didn't send to I-Corps?
-Yeah?
388
00:17:28,221 --> 00:17:30,353
They're halfway to I-Corps.
If the G-1 reads them,
389
00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:32,225
I'll be enrolled in
Officers Convict School.
390
00:17:32,268 --> 00:17:33,922
You said you weren't gonna
go through with it, Sven.
391
00:17:33,965 --> 00:17:35,793
-And you believed me?
-Whatever.
392
00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:37,534
I'm not providing you
with a getaway jeep.
393
00:17:37,578 --> 00:17:38,927
I don't want to get away.
I want to stay.
394
00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:40,711
-Then stay.
-Are you kidding?
395
00:17:40,755 --> 00:17:41,712
If I stay, I'll be
arrested for forgery.
396
00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:43,497
Then you are going?
397
00:17:43,540 --> 00:17:45,455
Going? How could you even
suggest a thing like that?
398
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:46,891
After he put his
arm around me?
399
00:17:46,935 --> 00:17:48,371
Told me to pick out
my very own doodads?
400
00:17:48,415 --> 00:17:50,547
Signed his moniker?
Told me to have a bang-up trip
401
00:17:50,591 --> 00:17:52,071
with those big blue eyes?
402
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:54,769
Okay. Okay. A man can resist
only so much gibberish.
403
00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:56,988
-Take the jeep.
-Oh, thank you! Thank you!
404
00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:58,599
You're a gentleman
and an officer.
405
00:17:58,642 --> 00:18:01,428
Eight.
More and more alert now.
406
00:18:01,471 --> 00:18:04,648
Nine, 10. Eyes open.
407
00:18:04,692 --> 00:18:08,609
[inhales, sighs]
408
00:18:08,652 --> 00:18:11,307
-How do you feel?
-Okay.
409
00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:13,483
I guess I took a little nap.
410
00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:15,355
Do you remember anything?
411
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:18,706
About what?
412
00:18:20,534 --> 00:18:23,363
-Lieutenant.
-Yes, Doctor?
413
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:26,496
Well, Michael, I don't think
we need these anymore.
414
00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:30,196
I think we're
about done for now.
415
00:18:30,239 --> 00:18:32,111
I'll be back
to see you later.
416
00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:33,634
Try to get some rest.
417
00:18:33,677 --> 00:18:35,505
Oh, I was hoping to get up
a game of stickball.
418
00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:36,985
[chuckling]
419
00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:40,597
It's time for your pill.
420
00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:42,251
You just gave me one
five minutes ago.
421
00:18:42,295 --> 00:18:43,600
What?
422
00:18:43,644 --> 00:18:45,820
You gave me a pill
when the doc came over.
423
00:18:45,863 --> 00:18:47,213
That was two hours ago.
424
00:18:53,436 --> 00:18:55,395
Sidney.
425
00:18:55,438 --> 00:18:58,354
Are you sure taking off those
restraints is a good idea?
426
00:18:58,398 --> 00:18:59,877
I wanted to show him
I trust him.
427
00:18:59,921 --> 00:19:01,314
Yeah, but can we
take the chance?
428
00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:02,576
He's being held together
429
00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:04,273
by 3-0 silk
and wishful thinking.
430
00:19:04,317 --> 00:19:06,710
If he tries to kill himself
again, he's halfway there.
431
00:19:06,754 --> 00:19:09,322
-He's out of danger.
-What are you talking about?
432
00:19:09,365 --> 00:19:11,454
He's twitching
like a nervous wreck.
433
00:19:13,108 --> 00:19:15,502
Listen, let's go in
there for a minute.
434
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:22,291
It's a matter
of deep-seated guilt.
435
00:19:22,335 --> 00:19:23,988
In all his 10 years
in the service
436
00:19:24,032 --> 00:19:28,079
this is the first time he's
ever fought an Asian enemy.
437
00:19:28,123 --> 00:19:29,994
He's been looking through
a gunsight at people
438
00:19:30,038 --> 00:19:31,822
who could be members
of his own family.
439
00:19:31,866 --> 00:19:33,476
No wonder he felt guilty.
440
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,304
It would be like my declaring
war on Crabapple Cove.
441
00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:37,741
Exactly.
Only in his case it's worse.
442
00:19:37,785 --> 00:19:40,396
He has to kill Chinese
to be a good American.
443
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:43,007
Then he has to kill himself
to be a good Chinese.
444
00:19:43,051 --> 00:19:45,967
A man without two countries.
445
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:48,230
Freud would have
flipped over this one.
446
00:19:48,274 --> 00:19:50,798
All I did was give him
a substitute symptom.
447
00:19:50,841 --> 00:19:53,801
I told him under hypnosis
that when he feels the guilt,
448
00:19:53,844 --> 00:19:55,803
instead of punishing himself
with suicide,
449
00:19:55,846 --> 00:19:57,761
he should twitch his hand.
450
00:19:57,805 --> 00:19:59,937
He's not even aware
he's doing it.
451
00:19:59,981 --> 00:20:02,853
Better to twitch your hand
than take a second try at
killing yourself.
452
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:07,118
Second try? Remember all
those dangerous missions?
453
00:20:07,162 --> 00:20:09,904
He's been trying to kill
himself since he got to Korea.
454
00:20:11,732 --> 00:20:13,908
Hey, soldier!
You can't go in there!
455
00:20:13,951 --> 00:20:15,562
What's going on, Sergeant?
456
00:20:15,605 --> 00:20:18,217
Please excuse my apparent
effrontery, sir,
457
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:20,219
but I've driven all the way
from the 4077th MASH
458
00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:22,090
on a matter of
great importance.
459
00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:23,787
I see. Very well.
I'll take care
of this, Sergeant.
460
00:20:23,831 --> 00:20:26,399
Thank you, Sergeant.
That'll be all.
461
00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:28,792
All right, Corporal.
What's this all about?
462
00:20:28,836 --> 00:20:31,273
Sir, did you receive
some discharge papers
463
00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:33,667
for one Corporal
Maxwell Q. Klinger?
464
00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:36,060
I certainly did.
I just went through them.
465
00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:37,323
A tragic case.
466
00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:38,802
My heart goes out to that man
467
00:20:38,846 --> 00:20:40,717
and what's left of his family.
468
00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:43,503
I will not rest until that
boy's home where he's needed.
469
00:20:43,546 --> 00:20:45,461
Oh, no, sir,
You can't do that.
470
00:20:45,505 --> 00:20:46,767
Why? Everything's in order.
471
00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:48,899
Because! Because...
472
00:20:48,943 --> 00:20:51,772
the whole thing is
a bogus tissue of lies.
473
00:20:51,815 --> 00:20:53,991
-What?
-I have it on
the best of authority
474
00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:56,124
that those documents
are forged.
475
00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:58,779
That's not possible!
There's a letter here
from a priest.
476
00:20:58,822 --> 00:21:00,650
-Blasphemous!
-It's even got
477
00:21:00,694 --> 00:21:03,174
Sherm Potter's
official okeydokey.
478
00:21:03,218 --> 00:21:05,176
Granted, it's a masterful
forgery, sir.
479
00:21:05,220 --> 00:21:08,615
No doubt this Klinger character
is brilliant but twisted.
480
00:21:08,658 --> 00:21:11,835
Perhaps you're familiar
with his checkered history?
481
00:21:11,879 --> 00:21:13,489
He used to wear dresses.
482
00:21:13,533 --> 00:21:15,404
Oh, that nut.
483
00:21:15,448 --> 00:21:17,667
He once sent me bonbons.
484
00:21:17,711 --> 00:21:20,757
It comes as no
surprise to me, sir.
He'll stop at nothing.
485
00:21:20,801 --> 00:21:23,151
Thank you for your
information, Corporal--
486
00:21:23,194 --> 00:21:25,153
uh, Corporal, um...
487
00:21:25,196 --> 00:21:27,373
O'Reilly, sir. Walter O'Reilly.
488
00:21:27,416 --> 00:21:28,896
Funny. You don't look Irish.
489
00:21:28,939 --> 00:21:31,812
Black Irish, sir.
Remember the Spanish Armada?
490
00:21:31,855 --> 00:21:34,684
I know you. You're Radar.
491
00:21:34,728 --> 00:21:36,860
We've spoken on the phone.
492
00:21:36,904 --> 00:21:40,037
Oh, golly-whiz, yes.
A million times,
Your Colonelness.
493
00:21:40,081 --> 00:21:41,474
Well, you can tell
Sherm Potter
494
00:21:41,517 --> 00:21:43,214
that I'm putting
this Klinger yoyo up
495
00:21:43,258 --> 00:21:45,173
on immediate
disciplinary action.
496
00:21:45,216 --> 00:21:47,871
Oh, that's really swell, sir,
497
00:21:47,915 --> 00:21:51,135
but couldn't you just let
Colonel Potter have him?
498
00:21:51,179 --> 00:21:53,529
I mean, he is so
P .U.'d at Klinger,
499
00:21:53,573 --> 00:21:55,792
he's ready to
convene a firing squad.
500
00:21:55,836 --> 00:21:58,273
Well, I can understand that.
501
00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:01,494
Since he's had to put up
with all of Klinger's bull,
502
00:22:01,537 --> 00:22:04,366
I think it's only fair to let
old Sherm have his hide.
503
00:22:04,410 --> 00:22:05,628
Here you are, Corporal.
504
00:22:05,672 --> 00:22:07,717
Oh, thank you,
Your Coloneldom.
505
00:22:07,761 --> 00:22:11,547
This will put a smile
on the old man's heart.
506
00:22:11,591 --> 00:22:13,549
Sergeant!
507
00:22:13,593 --> 00:22:15,595
The colonel will see you now.
508
00:22:15,638 --> 00:22:18,337
Last call for
the 4077 express.
509
00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:20,730
Pullman service
to Seoul, Tokyo,
510
00:22:20,774 --> 00:22:22,384
and all points civilized.
511
00:22:22,428 --> 00:22:24,908
We're happy to announce
there is no dining car.
512
00:22:24,952 --> 00:22:27,171
I hope I didn't cause you guys
too much trouble.
513
00:22:27,215 --> 00:22:29,086
I think we should be
saying that to you.
514
00:22:29,130 --> 00:22:30,479
Ready, Michael?
515
00:22:30,523 --> 00:22:32,394
You coming with me, doc?
516
00:22:32,438 --> 00:22:35,092
No, but I'll get
over to visit you
as often as I can.
517
00:22:35,136 --> 00:22:37,530
I sure hope so.
518
00:22:37,573 --> 00:22:40,141
Take care of yourself,
Sergeant.
519
00:22:44,841 --> 00:22:47,235
-[engine starts]
-You did good, doc.
520
00:22:47,278 --> 00:22:50,499
Oh, just meatball psychiatry.
521
00:22:50,543 --> 00:22:53,241
There's still a lot more work to
do.
522
00:22:53,284 --> 00:22:54,634
He almost killed himself,
523
00:22:54,677 --> 00:22:57,767
and we never suspected
a thing.
524
00:22:57,811 --> 00:23:01,205
I think our job may
be a little easier
than yours, Sidney.
525
00:23:01,249 --> 00:23:03,294
At least we can always see
where they're bleeding.
526
00:23:09,518 --> 00:23:13,479
Ah, I see the colonel
is basking in the glow
of my swag lamp.
527
00:23:13,522 --> 00:23:15,481
Ornamental
yet functional.
528
00:23:15,524 --> 00:23:18,309
Brilliantly illuminates
every word on this page.
529
00:23:18,353 --> 00:23:19,746
What words are those, sir?
530
00:23:19,789 --> 00:23:21,356
Same words over and over.
531
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,620
"Sherman T. Potter,
Sherman T. Potter."
Ad infinito.
532
00:23:24,664 --> 00:23:27,536
Any idea who the signatory is?
533
00:23:27,580 --> 00:23:30,104
-Why, uh, you are, sir.
-Me?
534
00:23:30,147 --> 00:23:33,499
Now, why the devil
would I scribble my
John Hancock 47 times?
535
00:23:33,542 --> 00:23:35,979
Ah, you were
sleepwalking, sir.
536
00:23:36,023 --> 00:23:38,286
I didn't want to wake you.
I thought it might be dangerous.
537
00:23:38,329 --> 00:23:39,635
Probably would have been.
538
00:23:39,679 --> 00:23:41,768
Thanks for clearing that
up for me, Corporal.
539
00:23:43,683 --> 00:23:47,687
By the way, you put
too much swoop on the "T."
540
00:23:47,730 --> 00:23:50,733
♪♪ [theme]
541
00:24:00,743 --> 00:24:03,485
♪♪ [theme]
40944
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