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00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:04,134
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:58,449 --> 00:01:00,103
[wind whistling]
3
00:01:13,508 --> 00:01:14,944
The way they do
things in the army
4
00:01:14,987 --> 00:01:16,728
is the stupidest thing
I ever saw.
5
00:01:16,772 --> 00:01:19,644
Nothing goin' on.
They should let us go home!
6
00:01:19,688 --> 00:01:21,646
-Klinger.
-As soon as it got busy,
7
00:01:21,690 --> 00:01:23,431
I promise I'd be
back like that!
8
00:01:23,474 --> 00:01:25,389
I'd even leave my uniform
here for security.
9
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:27,087
Am I right, Major?
Doesn't that make sense?
10
00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:29,393
Curiously enough,
Corporal, yes, it does.
11
00:01:29,437 --> 00:01:31,961
Not only would your empty
uniform stand up straighter,
12
00:01:32,004 --> 00:01:33,310
it would be better company.
13
00:01:33,354 --> 00:01:35,312
Oh, is that so?
14
00:01:35,356 --> 00:01:38,359
Aah! Touché.
15
00:01:38,402 --> 00:01:40,883
Once again I lie
mortally wounded,
16
00:01:40,926 --> 00:01:42,885
skewered
by your rapier wit.
17
00:01:42,928 --> 00:01:46,323
-Oh, don't be so high
and mighty, Chuckie.
-Ch--
18
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:49,109
We haven't heard any
conversation from you at all.
19
00:01:49,152 --> 00:01:52,286
All we ever get out of you
is polysyllabic put downs.
20
00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:54,375
[applause]
21
00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:56,203
Ah, polysyllabic
put downs.
22
00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:58,248
Oh, blow it out
your bagpipes.
23
00:01:58,292 --> 00:02:00,772
Now, look, folks,
we're cold and we're bored,
24
00:02:00,816 --> 00:02:03,601
but there's no reason
to take it out on each other.
25
00:02:03,645 --> 00:02:06,474
I remember one night
in France in WWI,
26
00:02:06,517 --> 00:02:11,261
an entire company of tanks
just froze shut.
27
00:02:11,305 --> 00:02:13,350
Couldn't get
the drivers out.
28
00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:16,919
Had to slip 'em vittles
through the canons.
29
00:02:16,962 --> 00:02:20,183
Colonel, in the first place,
I don't believe a word of it.
30
00:02:20,227 --> 00:02:22,925
Secondly, I hear
the frozen tank fable
31
00:02:22,968 --> 00:02:25,319
every time the temperature
dips below freezing.
32
00:02:25,362 --> 00:02:28,757
And thirdly,
don't you have any
warm stories?
33
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,759
-ALL: Yeah.
-Oh, come on, we're
freezing here.
34
00:02:30,802 --> 00:02:34,893
The point is that
it is not necessary
35
00:02:34,937 --> 00:02:37,374
to keep sniping
at each other,
36
00:02:37,418 --> 00:02:40,986
especially your beloved
commanding officer.
37
00:02:41,030 --> 00:02:44,033
Now, let's hear
a little warmth
from you folks,
38
00:02:44,076 --> 00:02:46,601
or I'm gonna get
a little hot
under the collar.
39
00:02:46,644 --> 00:02:47,950
Listen, what do you say
40
00:02:47,993 --> 00:02:49,908
we go someplace cold
and get warm?
41
00:02:49,952 --> 00:02:51,171
Why don't we stay here
42
00:02:51,214 --> 00:02:53,434
and have some stimulating
conversation?
43
00:02:53,477 --> 00:02:55,958
Okay, but I'm warning you.
One or two words
and I'm over stimulated.
44
00:02:56,001 --> 00:02:59,440
Oh, I'll take my chances.
What's your favorite color?
45
00:02:59,483 --> 00:03:01,833
My favorite color?
Off blue.
46
00:03:01,877 --> 00:03:03,400
What kind of
a question is that?
47
00:03:03,444 --> 00:03:06,795
Oh, just your general
safe kind. Bye-bye.
48
00:03:06,838 --> 00:03:09,580
Okay, red, hot pink, puce.
49
00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:12,975
Uh, Hawkeye,
could I trouble you
to make a fist, please?
50
00:03:13,018 --> 00:03:15,934
A what? A fist? Somebody
picking on you, Father?
51
00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:18,459
Oh, no, no.
Just make a fist.
52
00:03:18,502 --> 00:03:20,722
-Okay.
-That's the ticket.
53
00:03:21,984 --> 00:03:24,160
-Uh-huh.
-Uh-huh what?
54
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,945
Just testing
a medical principle.
55
00:03:26,989 --> 00:03:28,817
The distance around
a clenched fist
56
00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:31,820
is the precise length
of a human foot.
57
00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:33,822
Here, lift your foot up.
I'll show you.
58
00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:37,695
Oh, dear.
59
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,785
No wonder you walk funny.
60
00:03:40,829 --> 00:03:42,961
Excuse me, Father.
61
00:03:43,005 --> 00:03:45,529
Uh, Beej, could I talk to you
for a minute, please?
62
00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:46,704
-Will you excuse me?
-Terrific.
63
00:03:46,748 --> 00:03:48,489
Yeah, sure.
What's the problem?
64
00:03:48,532 --> 00:03:51,143
I've been getting some
very funny questions tonight
65
00:03:51,187 --> 00:03:52,754
like, uh, how big is my foot?
66
00:03:52,797 --> 00:03:54,495
What's my favorite color?
67
00:03:54,538 --> 00:03:56,714
Two people asked me if,
uh, if I'd ever had a pet.
68
00:03:56,758 --> 00:03:58,412
They're interested in you.
69
00:03:58,455 --> 00:04:00,588
You have to realize
these people are very bored.
70
00:04:00,631 --> 00:04:03,417
I seem to be
the object of some
kind of a conspiracy.
71
00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:04,766
So naturally,
I thought of you.
72
00:04:04,809 --> 00:04:06,333
-Me?
-Come on.
73
00:04:06,376 --> 00:04:07,682
I'm not in the mood.
What's the joke?
74
00:04:07,725 --> 00:04:09,814
Shh! W-- Just--
Sit down.
75
00:04:12,556 --> 00:04:15,124
I, uh, took the liberty
of borrowing your birthday.
76
00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:16,256
You what?
77
00:04:16,299 --> 00:04:18,258
-Shh! Will you--
-You what?
78
00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:19,476
Hawk, will you
look around?
79
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:21,348
See how depressed
these people are?
80
00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:23,654
They need something to do.
A surprise birthday party
81
00:04:23,698 --> 00:04:25,700
is just the thing
to cheer them up.
82
00:04:25,743 --> 00:04:28,442
What are you, nuts?
It's not even close
to my birthday.
83
00:04:28,485 --> 00:04:31,314
Perfect! You're not using it.
It's part of the surprise.
84
00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:32,750
Borrow your own birthday.
85
00:04:32,794 --> 00:04:34,143
Come on.
You're gonna love it.
86
00:04:34,186 --> 00:04:35,927
I'm gonna hate it.
87
00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:39,279
A whole day of letting
people slap me on the back.
88
00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:40,715
Laughing at their
stupid gag gifts,
89
00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:42,151
and pretending
I'm surprised?
90
00:04:42,194 --> 00:04:44,196
And then, when it
really is my birthday,
91
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,068
-nobody'll believe me.
-I'll believe you.
92
00:04:46,111 --> 00:04:49,550
You don't hear too well.
Read my lips. Drop dead.
93
00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:51,639
I can't. I'm in charge
of the party.
94
00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:54,903
Everything okay
with the party?
95
00:04:54,946 --> 00:04:56,731
Perfect. He doesn't
suspect a thing.
96
00:04:56,774 --> 00:04:58,167
Oh, great! This is
gonna be so good.
97
00:04:58,210 --> 00:04:59,342
He doesn't know a thing.
98
00:04:59,386 --> 00:05:01,823
Hey, hey.
Dr. Borelli is here!
99
00:05:01,866 --> 00:05:03,259
Wonderful! Klinger,
100
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,130
go take the doctor's
bags to his quarters.
101
00:05:05,174 --> 00:05:07,132
And tell the cook
to get a hot meal ready.
102
00:05:07,176 --> 00:05:09,134
Not now!
After you get his bags.
103
00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:11,136
Well, come on, Colonel.
Don't you want to meet him?
104
00:05:11,180 --> 00:05:14,183
Uh, just waiting
for orders, Major.
105
00:05:14,226 --> 00:05:16,925
Dr. Borelli, how nice
to see you again.
106
00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:18,970
Oh, you're Major,
uh, Major, uh--
107
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:20,494
Houlihan.
Margaret Houlihan.
108
00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:22,060
Oh, of course you are.
109
00:05:22,104 --> 00:05:23,540
You haven't met
our C.O., Colonel Potter.
110
00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:24,628
Colonel.
111
00:05:24,672 --> 00:05:26,238
How do, Doctor.
Nice to see you.
112
00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:28,763
You have no idea how welcome
a new face is around here.
113
00:05:28,806 --> 00:05:31,418
Fine, fine. But can we go
inside before I freeze it off?
114
00:05:31,461 --> 00:05:32,767
You want to go to
the mess tent?
115
00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:33,985
Might have some
hot chocolate left.
116
00:05:34,029 --> 00:05:35,291
We can do
better than that.
117
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,554
How about if we amble over
to the "O" Club
118
00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:39,991
for a few CCs of
real antifreeze?
119
00:05:40,035 --> 00:05:41,384
Wonderful idea.
120
00:05:41,428 --> 00:05:43,908
Ah, the place hasn't
changed much.
121
00:05:43,952 --> 00:05:46,824
Sir, I'll put this stuff out
to thaw in the VIP tent,
122
00:05:46,868 --> 00:05:48,696
then I'll bring everybody
right over.
123
00:05:48,739 --> 00:05:51,873
-Here's to long lives
and short wars.
-Hear, hear.
124
00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:54,354
And welcome back to
the 4077th.
125
00:05:56,312 --> 00:06:00,272
Ah, here's Our Gang now.
Spanky, Alfalfa, Buckwheat,
126
00:06:00,316 --> 00:06:02,405
and you already met Spot.
127
00:06:02,449 --> 00:06:05,756
Spanky Pierce? What,
are you working with
a new alias?
128
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,062
Didn't I always know you
as Hawkeye?
129
00:06:07,105 --> 00:06:08,759
Hey, doc.
130
00:06:08,803 --> 00:06:10,108
These are the new kids
on the block,
131
00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:11,327
B.J. Hunnicutt,
Charles Winchester.
132
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,937
-How do.
-Hello.
133
00:06:12,981 --> 00:06:16,724
Barkeep, I'll have a martini.
No, uh, scotch.
134
00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:19,988
-No, uh, scotch and soda.
-Scotch and soda?
135
00:06:20,031 --> 00:06:21,424
Cognac.
136
00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:23,600
I'll have a cognac too--
with a beer chaser.
137
00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:25,472
Give me strength.
138
00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:26,908
You got a lot
of new people here.
139
00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:28,431
You still got that cuckoo
140
00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:30,259
who runs around dressed
like Dame May Whitty?
141
00:06:30,302 --> 00:06:33,523
-At your service, sir.
-This is his tomboy look.
142
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:35,525
-[shivers]
-What's the matter, you cold?
143
00:06:35,569 --> 00:06:37,527
-Yeah.
-Why don't you move here,
closer to the stove?
144
00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:39,529
-I'm fine.
-Come on. Move over.
145
00:06:39,573 --> 00:06:42,358
The colonel'll move.
He won't mind.
146
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:45,274
Uh, well, you wanna--
147
00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:47,319
Uh, Margaret, would you
mind shifting over one?
148
00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:51,672
[all chattering]
149
00:06:51,715 --> 00:06:53,935
Who's got that scotch and soda?
I had scotch and soda.
150
00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:55,937
I've got mine.
Whose is this?
151
00:06:57,373 --> 00:06:59,201
Comfy-cozy, Pierce?
152
00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:01,116
-Hey--
-I really think you
should open your coat.
153
00:07:01,159 --> 00:07:03,510
-I'm cold!
-Sure!
154
00:07:03,553 --> 00:07:06,034
You're cold because
your coat is not open and
the heat can't get to ya!
155
00:07:06,077 --> 00:07:09,124
Now, come on. Open it.
There. Isn't that better?
Of course it is.
156
00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:12,910
Well, Dr. Borelli, what new
medical information have you
brought us this time?
157
00:07:12,954 --> 00:07:14,521
As a matter of fact, Major,
I'm here with a new technique
158
00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:16,523
for treating peripheral
nerve injuries.
159
00:07:16,566 --> 00:07:20,048
-How exciting.
-We're doing repairs
on severed nerves now.
160
00:07:20,091 --> 00:07:21,745
Oh, this is more
than repairs, Pierce.
161
00:07:21,789 --> 00:07:23,486
I'm gonna show you
a new graft technique,
162
00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:25,140
replacing entire segments.
163
00:07:25,183 --> 00:07:27,011
Nerve grafts sound
damned ambitious
164
00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:28,622
for a bunch of
meatball surgeons.
165
00:07:28,665 --> 00:07:30,537
The question is,
will we have time?
166
00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:32,539
Around here,
it's first come,
first saved.
167
00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:34,105
This is kind of
a body shop.
168
00:07:34,149 --> 00:07:35,803
We send 'em down to Seoul
for major tune-ups.
169
00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:37,544
Surely a procedure
of such delicacy
170
00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:39,328
would require two,
three hours.
171
00:07:39,371 --> 00:07:42,374
Gentlemen, gentlemen,
please. Trust me.
172
00:07:42,418 --> 00:07:45,160
Now, I know you won't
always have time to do this,
173
00:07:45,203 --> 00:07:46,944
but when you do,
won't it be nice
174
00:07:46,988 --> 00:07:49,556
to have the ability to perform
the operation properly?
175
00:07:49,599 --> 00:07:51,514
-Of course.
-[muttering agreements]
176
00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:53,734
Fine! Then we'll go over it
step by step at the lecture.
177
00:07:53,777 --> 00:07:55,257
You can give us all the poop
178
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,520
in the morning in my office
at 0800 hours.
179
00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:59,435
Whoa, Colonel,
back it up.
180
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,263
Don't let this
soldier suit fool you.
181
00:08:01,306 --> 00:08:03,265
I'm just a camouflaged
civilian, you know?
182
00:08:03,308 --> 00:08:05,267
Now, for the last couple of
weeks I've been on the go.
183
00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:07,269
I'd like to rest up
a little tomorrow morning.
184
00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:10,881
-Okay. How about 1600 hours?
-No, you better make it 4:00.
185
00:08:10,925 --> 00:08:12,927
[chuckles]
Okay, suit yourself.
186
00:08:12,970 --> 00:08:14,494
Now I've got some
paperwork to finish up.
187
00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:17,018
What say we put a cork
on it for tonight?
188
00:08:17,061 --> 00:08:19,455
-Good idea. We've all
got things to do.
-Aha.
189
00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:23,503
Klinger, don't you,
uh, have to--
190
00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:25,853
Mmm. Oh, yeah.
I'll be back.
191
00:08:25,896 --> 00:08:27,898
Put the cognac
in the refrigerator
so it won't spoil.
192
00:08:27,942 --> 00:08:30,292
I will kill him.
He is a dead man.
193
00:08:30,335 --> 00:08:31,728
Good night, all.
194
00:08:31,772 --> 00:08:33,774
You leaving?
195
00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:35,558
No, I think I'll have
one for the road
I just drove in on.
196
00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:36,777
Join me, Pierce.
197
00:08:36,820 --> 00:08:39,301
-No, I gotta go.
-Come on. Relax.
198
00:08:39,344 --> 00:08:41,869
Hey, bartender,
scotch on the rocks.
Same for the captain.
199
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:43,479
I'm drinking scotch
and soda.
200
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,133
Pierce, what do you
want with bubbles?
201
00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:47,483
They kill the taste
and give you a hangover.
202
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:48,571
I wanted something
different.
203
00:08:48,615 --> 00:08:50,094
Come on. Try this.
204
00:08:50,138 --> 00:08:52,662
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Better, isn't it?
205
00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:57,711
[indistinct arguing]
206
00:08:57,754 --> 00:09:00,540
-Hold it. Hold it! Listen!
-...everybody talking at once!
207
00:09:00,583 --> 00:09:02,150
Hawkeye only has
a birthday once a year.
208
00:09:02,193 --> 00:09:03,717
I think we ought to do
something special.
209
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,370
I think the party
ought to have a theme!
210
00:09:05,414 --> 00:09:08,809
A theme, yes!
How about Cro-Magnon man?
211
00:09:08,852 --> 00:09:11,159
Perfect for Pierce's
Neanderthal mentality.
212
00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:13,117
You know, I think
it would be fun
213
00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:14,989
if we had
a masquerade party.
214
00:09:15,032 --> 00:09:17,557
The brain, Father,
shrivels at the thought.
215
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,384
Ah, no. I think that's
kind of a good idea.
216
00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:21,735
We could dress up
in civilian clothes and
come as actual people.
217
00:09:21,778 --> 00:09:23,606
What about something
really crazy?
218
00:09:23,650 --> 00:09:26,130
You know,
like the world's
biggest sandwich.
219
00:09:26,174 --> 00:09:28,176
You know,
like 27 feet long.
220
00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:30,308
What about we do
something civilized?
221
00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:32,354
-Like what?
-Like sipping sherry
222
00:09:32,397 --> 00:09:35,749
while musicians play
a string trio by
Franz Joseph Haydn.
223
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:38,534
Or perhaps someone with
a trained voice
224
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,667
could read selections from
Edna St. Vincent Millay.
225
00:09:40,710 --> 00:09:42,625
-This is for Pierce?
-Oh, he'd love it,
226
00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:44,018
once we got him
tied to the chair.
227
00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:45,759
That's the stupidest thing
I ever heard.
228
00:09:45,802 --> 00:09:47,325
I don't want to be entertained
by somebody with three names,
229
00:09:47,369 --> 00:09:49,589
unless it's
Gypsy Rose Lee.
230
00:09:49,632 --> 00:09:53,418
This cultural commentary
has been brought to you by
Max "Swinish" Klinger.
231
00:09:53,462 --> 00:09:55,072
Come on, now.
What are we gonna do
232
00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:56,683
to really surprise
Hawkeye?
233
00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:58,162
Well,
if all else fails,
234
00:09:58,206 --> 00:09:59,599
we could fire a bazooka
up his long johns.
235
00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:01,296
[laughs]
Now you're talking.
236
00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:03,646
I'm telling you,
a costume party
would really be fun--
237
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:06,083
Father, I refuse
to take part in this
senseless bash,
238
00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:08,782
which serves only as
a reminder that Pierce
was ever born.
239
00:10:08,825 --> 00:10:10,827
If we could only think of
the right theme,
240
00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:13,003
I'm sure everybody would be
very excited about it.
241
00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:15,484
Wait! Put away
your thinking caps.
242
00:10:15,527 --> 00:10:17,007
I got it.
243
00:10:17,051 --> 00:10:20,402
Imagine, if you will,
the world's biggest salami.
244
00:10:20,445 --> 00:10:24,406
We don't have to imagine it,
Klinger. We're looking at it.
245
00:10:24,449 --> 00:10:27,322
-A costume party.
-Something exotic.
An Arabian Night--
246
00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:31,108
[chattering fades]
247
00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:33,545
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've interrupted your seance.
248
00:10:33,589 --> 00:10:37,811
-Ah, Pierce. Maybe you can
help settle an argument.
-Uh, yes, please.
249
00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:40,901
-Uh, who do you think's gonna
win this year's World Series?
-Yeah, whom?
250
00:10:40,944 --> 00:10:43,468
You're arguing baseball
in January?
251
00:10:43,512 --> 00:10:46,210
Well, you hate to put
those things off
to the last minute.
252
00:10:46,254 --> 00:10:48,299
Why don't you ask Borelli?
He's an expert on everything.
253
00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:49,823
Uh-oh, what's the matter?
254
00:10:49,866 --> 00:10:51,302
You forget to bring
an apple for the teacher?
255
00:10:51,346 --> 00:10:52,826
That guy is driving me nuts.
256
00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:54,697
Everybody's got to do
everything his way.
257
00:10:54,741 --> 00:10:56,177
He's over there
in the Officers Club
258
00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:58,135
showing the bartender
how to wash the glasses.
259
00:10:58,179 --> 00:11:00,703
Captain Pierce,
let me ask you.
260
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,662
What's the biggest sandwich
you ever saw?
261
00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:04,402
Never mind, Klinger.
262
00:11:04,446 --> 00:11:05,708
That's enough baseball
talk for tonight.
263
00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:06,709
Good night,
good night.
264
00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:08,145
Good night.
265
00:11:08,189 --> 00:11:10,321
Gee, what's everybody
talking about?
266
00:11:10,365 --> 00:11:11,496
You better get
some sleep, Hawk.
267
00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:13,455
Tomorrow's
gonna be a big day.
268
00:11:13,498 --> 00:11:15,805
A real work of art,
huh, Major?
269
00:11:15,849 --> 00:11:19,287
Veritable masterpiece, Klinger,
with one minuscule flaw.
270
00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:22,203
You have wished Hawkeye
a happy birth-hday.
271
00:11:22,246 --> 00:11:23,378
Huh?
272
00:11:23,421 --> 00:11:25,772
"Birthday" is not
generally spelled
273
00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:27,338
with a pair of H's.
274
00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:29,036
Don't pick nits, Major.
275
00:11:29,079 --> 00:11:31,473
It's that tiny imperfection
that makes it special.
276
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:33,605
-Fix the cake.
-It's easy for you
to be a critic.
277
00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:36,217
You didn't spend three hours
facing a blank piece of cake.
278
00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:37,653
Fix the cake.
279
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,655
I guarantee.
Nobody's gonna notice.
280
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,266
Hello. Oh, how's
it coming, doughboy?
281
00:11:42,310 --> 00:11:44,747
Uh, tell me, what's wrong
with this, uh, cake,
282
00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:46,488
Father Mulcah-hy.
283
00:11:46,531 --> 00:11:48,751
-Uh, nothing at all.
-Aha!
284
00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:51,754
-Especially if you like H's.
-Uh-huh.
285
00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:53,800
-You gave him a hint.
-Fix the cake.
286
00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:56,759
-No! I'll serve
that hunk first.
-Fix the cake!
287
00:11:56,803 --> 00:12:00,197
With all due respect, Klinger,
get the "H" out of there.
288
00:12:02,896 --> 00:12:04,767
Much better.
289
00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:07,639
Good afternoon.
Glad to see you're all here.
290
00:12:07,683 --> 00:12:09,380
Doctor, why don't you
sit in this chair?
291
00:12:09,424 --> 00:12:10,817
You'll get a better view
of the charts.
292
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:12,819
-Thanks.
-That's it.
293
00:12:12,862 --> 00:12:14,821
Major, I think you'd better
move your chair a little bit.
294
00:12:14,864 --> 00:12:16,866
-You might be
blocking his view.
-Oh, sure.
295
00:12:16,910 --> 00:12:18,563
Captain, maybe you
should sit up front
296
00:12:18,607 --> 00:12:20,087
-so you could see
these better.
-Ow!
297
00:12:20,130 --> 00:12:22,742
Yeah, right in the front
would be better. That's--
298
00:12:22,785 --> 00:12:25,048
-Oh, my foot.
-[indistinct chattering]
299
00:12:25,092 --> 00:12:27,311
No, Colonel, you could
pull that chair up
300
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:28,922
because I've reserved
this spot for you.
301
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:30,924
-Put the chair there.
-Yes, fine.
302
00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:32,316
Now, now we're
getting somewhere.
303
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,318
-Okay.
-Colonel! Colonel!
304
00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:36,364
There's an emergency call
for you. Battalion Aid.
305
00:12:39,541 --> 00:12:42,500
Colonel Potter. Yeah.
306
00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:45,765
I understand.
307
00:12:46,983 --> 00:12:48,811
All right,
keep him stable.
308
00:12:48,855 --> 00:12:50,291
Continue with
the whole blood.
309
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:53,076
We'll get somebody
up there right away.
310
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,643
Okay, people.
We've got a problem.
311
00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:56,776
A Battalion Aid surgeon's
been badly hurt.
312
00:12:56,819 --> 00:12:59,953
-Fighting started again?
-No, his jeep hit a land mine.
313
00:12:59,996 --> 00:13:02,738
The Aid man who's with him
says he's too shocky to move.
314
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,871
Somebody's got to
get up there, pronto.
315
00:13:04,914 --> 00:13:07,656
-I'll go. I'll go.
-Fine, Pierce.
Better get crackin'.
316
00:13:07,699 --> 00:13:10,702
Oh, no, no. Hawk, uh, why don't
we let Charles go instead?
317
00:13:10,746 --> 00:13:12,139
He's a much better doctor.
Just ask him.
318
00:13:12,182 --> 00:13:13,836
No, no. Duty calls.
319
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,359
Or you can go.
We don't need you here.
320
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:17,013
No, I wouldn't think of it.
321
00:13:17,057 --> 00:13:19,363
I'd feel awful if I was
back here snug and safe
322
00:13:19,407 --> 00:13:21,713
and my pal was up there
facing danger,
323
00:13:21,757 --> 00:13:24,716
freezing his klavey
on his wedding anniversary.
324
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,718
-His-- His what?
-His klavey.
325
00:13:26,762 --> 00:13:27,937
No, no, no. After that.
326
00:13:27,981 --> 00:13:29,243
Oh. His wedding
anniversary.
327
00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:30,897
-You rat.
-Oh!
328
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:33,464
Oh, that was supposed
to be our secret.
329
00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:35,815
-It's not his
wedding anniversary.
-It's not.
330
00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:37,164
-Ha ha.
-Give my love to Peg.
331
00:13:37,207 --> 00:13:40,602
-Pierce, will you get going?
-Yeah.
332
00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:42,560
-I'll go along with you.
-No, you don't have to go.
333
00:13:42,604 --> 00:13:43,997
You can use the help
and the company.
334
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,302
I don't need the help
or the company.
335
00:13:45,346 --> 00:13:47,174
What if the guy has
nerve damage?
336
00:13:47,217 --> 00:13:48,610
-What if he does?
-I could show you
the new technique.
337
00:13:48,653 --> 00:13:50,133
He's not gonna have
nerve damage.
338
00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:51,265
Come on,
you'll get a lot
out of it.
339
00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:58,838
Perfect.
Let 'em eat that cake.
340
00:13:58,881 --> 00:14:01,666
-Klinger, hold that icing!
-What now?
341
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:03,451
We're not doing Hawkeye's
birthday. We're doing
B.J.'s anniversary.
342
00:14:03,494 --> 00:14:05,061
You've gotta
change the cake.
343
00:14:05,105 --> 00:14:06,671
I've been writing on this
cake for five hours!
344
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:08,282
I'm getting baker's cramp!
345
00:14:08,325 --> 00:14:10,414
Change the cake, Klinger.
And don't botch it up!
346
00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:13,853
Okay, okay. Anniversary.
How many H's don't you want?
347
00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:20,772
-Hey, this is great.
-Yeah, terrific.
348
00:14:20,816 --> 00:14:22,383
I'm glad we got a chance
to get out this way,
349
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:23,906
-work together.
-Yeah.
350
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:25,908
We could have been sitting
around the camp for days.
351
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:27,257
Probably driven
each other nuts.
352
00:14:27,301 --> 00:14:29,129
-Yeah, right.
-Take the next right.
353
00:14:29,172 --> 00:14:32,697
The next right?
It's not even on the map.
354
00:14:32,741 --> 00:14:34,438
I know,
but it's more direct.
355
00:14:34,482 --> 00:14:37,180
I came from the 8063rd
this way. Trust me.
356
00:14:37,224 --> 00:14:39,095
I'm staying on the map.
357
00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:42,055
Hand me that bag,
will you? I'm starved.
358
00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:44,057
You're gonna eat
while we're driving?
359
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:46,189
Just with one hand.
360
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:48,017
I'll skip
the corn on the cob.
361
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:51,760
You got cheese, huh?
362
00:14:51,803 --> 00:14:53,631
Cheese, yeah. Now what?
363
00:14:53,675 --> 00:14:56,330
Well, cheese is bad
for the heart, you know.
I've seen studies.
364
00:14:56,373 --> 00:14:59,463
Oh, that explains the mouse
in the Swamp the other day.
365
00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:01,378
Grabbed his little chest
and just keeled over.
366
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:03,076
Huh, silly us.
367
00:15:03,119 --> 00:15:04,991
We thought it was
pressure at the office.
368
00:15:05,034 --> 00:15:06,340
Hey, you want
to eat the cheese?
369
00:15:06,383 --> 00:15:07,950
Go ahead and eat the cheese.
What do I care?
370
00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:09,212
-Thank you.
-You'll probably kill yourself
371
00:15:09,256 --> 00:15:10,692
the way you're
driving anyway.
372
00:15:10,735 --> 00:15:13,956
One hand on the wheel,
50 miles an hour, icy road.
373
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:17,829
You can't see anything
with those squinty little
headlights you got.
374
00:15:17,873 --> 00:15:19,919
Listen. If you're gonna
eat that stuff, do it right.
375
00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:21,964
-Here, dip it in here.
-What's that?
376
00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:23,313
French mustard.
You'll love it.
377
00:15:23,357 --> 00:15:25,968
Look, I just want
plain cheese, okay?
378
00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:27,970
Trust me. It's terrific.
Come on. Try it.
379
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:30,973
I don't want--
Thank you.
380
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:32,975
Well? Huh? Huh? Well?
381
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:34,237
I can't taste the cheese.
382
00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:35,456
All I can taste
is the mustard.
383
00:15:35,499 --> 00:15:37,066
But it's darn good,
isn't it?
384
00:15:42,506 --> 00:15:43,812
[brakes screeching]
385
00:15:45,509 --> 00:15:47,990
Look, let's get things
straight.
386
00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:49,992
We'll go in there, and
we'll fix this guy up.
387
00:15:50,036 --> 00:15:52,168
No more bickering.
We're here to do a job, okay?
388
00:15:52,212 --> 00:15:53,474
Okay. Shake.
389
00:15:54,692 --> 00:15:55,911
Corporal Jarvis, sir.
390
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,478
I talked to your colonel.
391
00:15:57,521 --> 00:15:59,436
You want to get our stuff
out of the ambulance?
392
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,483
Boy, am I glad you got here.
Captain's getting weaker.
393
00:16:02,526 --> 00:16:04,006
Chest doesn't look so hot.
394
00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:05,529
Belly's bad, too.
395
00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:08,315
I'll handle the anesthesia.
You do the surgery.
396
00:16:08,358 --> 00:16:10,534
-Good. Get some
Pentothal in him.
-Right.
397
00:16:10,578 --> 00:16:12,406
I did everything I could
to get him ready, sir.
398
00:16:12,449 --> 00:16:13,929
I've kept pressure
on his wounds,
399
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,061
and he's had two units
of whole blood.
400
00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:16,627
Okay. Thank you,
Corporal.
401
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:18,325
What are you going to handle
first? Chest or the belly?
402
00:16:18,368 --> 00:16:20,066
Chest.
403
00:16:20,109 --> 00:16:22,503
But he's bleeding
into the belly, you know.
404
00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:24,026
He's got a collapsed lung.
405
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,549
I gotta get a chest tube
in him
406
00:16:25,593 --> 00:16:26,986
so he can tolerate
the anesthesia.
407
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:28,161
Hey, fine, fine.
I'm only asking.
408
00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:29,336
You don't have to get mad.
409
00:16:29,379 --> 00:16:31,338
-I gotta scrub.
-Over there.
410
00:16:31,381 --> 00:16:33,514
All right. Jarvis,
start another unit of blood.
411
00:16:33,557 --> 00:16:35,864
Then wash your hands
and put on some gloves.
412
00:16:35,907 --> 00:16:39,172
-Right.
-How am I supposed to keep
this thing going here?
413
00:16:39,215 --> 00:16:40,434
I'll get it.
414
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:44,873
Hey, what are you
so touchy about?
415
00:16:44,916 --> 00:16:47,702
I like my anesthetist
to keep his finger
on the patient's pulse
416
00:16:47,745 --> 00:16:49,704
and his nose
out of my operation.
417
00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:50,879
Whatever you say.
418
00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:53,055
Do you always scrub
like that?
419
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:55,057
-Scrub like what?
-You know, like that.
420
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:57,059
No, I used to send my
hands out to the laundry,
421
00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:59,061
but they always came back
with too much starch.
422
00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:00,236
What's wrong
with how I scrub?
423
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:01,716
You're starting
with your palms.
424
00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:03,326
What am I supposed
to start with, my feet?
425
00:17:03,370 --> 00:17:04,588
-Doctors--
-You're supposed to start
426
00:17:04,632 --> 00:17:06,199
with your fingertips
and work your way--
427
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:08,723
-Borelli, you are insane!
-No, I'm not!
428
00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:10,942
Hey, hey. Now, look.
429
00:17:10,986 --> 00:17:13,162
I realize you're doctors,
and I'm only a medic.
430
00:17:13,206 --> 00:17:15,077
I don't know if
you've met many of us,
431
00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:17,210
but we spend a lot of time
dragging guys off the line
432
00:17:17,253 --> 00:17:19,081
while people are
shooting at us.
433
00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:21,388
We get sort of protective
about those guys.
434
00:17:21,431 --> 00:17:23,303
We worry about 'em,
and we fight for 'em
435
00:17:23,346 --> 00:17:24,565
like they were our children
436
00:17:24,608 --> 00:17:26,088
or-or our brothers
or something.
437
00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:28,090
And that's guys
we don't even know.
438
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:30,397
Now, Captain Kramer here's
my Battalion Aid surgeon.
439
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:34,183
I've worked under him for
eight months, day and night.
440
00:17:34,227 --> 00:17:36,229
He may be just another
patient to you,
441
00:17:36,272 --> 00:17:38,274
but he's damn special to me.
442
00:17:38,318 --> 00:17:40,929
-Understand that?
-Yeah, we understand.
443
00:17:40,972 --> 00:17:43,018
We'll do the best job we can
on him, I promise you.
444
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,367
-Yeah, fine.
-You ready, Doctor?
445
00:17:44,411 --> 00:17:45,716
Whenever you are, Doctor.
446
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:48,110
I need that tray
over here, please.
447
00:17:48,154 --> 00:17:49,807
I need somebody to
tie that apron on me.
448
00:17:52,201 --> 00:17:54,595
-Did you notice his face?
-Yeah, bad laceration.
449
00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:57,119
And the left side of it wasn't
moving when I put him under.
450
00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:58,468
Probably has nerve damage.
451
00:17:58,512 --> 00:18:00,949
Forget it.
Even if he needs a graft,
452
00:18:00,992 --> 00:18:02,690
he's in no condition
to stay under the anesthetic
453
00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:03,734
an extra two or three hours.
454
00:18:03,778 --> 00:18:04,779
I agree.
455
00:18:04,822 --> 00:18:06,259
But if he does need
a graft,
456
00:18:06,302 --> 00:18:09,784
I'd like to take a crack
at it back at the 4077.
457
00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:12,613
I recommend leaving
the wound open. Just pack it.
458
00:18:13,788 --> 00:18:15,311
No, we'll suture it.
459
00:18:15,355 --> 00:18:18,445
If the paralysis persists,
we can open it again.
460
00:18:18,488 --> 00:18:20,447
Leave it open.
He'll be fine.
461
00:18:20,490 --> 00:18:22,362
Besides, there's less
danger of infection.
462
00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:25,800
Borelli, I have this man's life
in my hands! His whole life.
463
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:29,151
His chest, his bowel, his face,
his hair, and his belly button.
464
00:18:29,195 --> 00:18:30,587
And I decide the best way
465
00:18:30,631 --> 00:18:32,285
to keep them all
tied together. Not you.
466
00:18:32,328 --> 00:18:33,895
Let me make one thing
clear to you, Doctor.
467
00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:35,462
No, let me make one thing
clear to you, Doctor.
468
00:18:35,505 --> 00:18:38,639
Hey, what the hell kind
of doctors are you, anyway?
469
00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:40,641
Do me a favor, will ya?
470
00:18:40,684 --> 00:18:42,425
First save
Captain Kramer's life.
471
00:18:42,469 --> 00:18:43,992
Then you can kill each other.
472
00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:47,126
ALL: Surprise!
[cheering]
473
00:18:51,042 --> 00:18:53,349
We really fooled you, huh?
We really fooled you!
474
00:18:53,393 --> 00:18:56,657
Oh, yeah. You could have
knocked me over
with a sledgehammer.
475
00:18:56,700 --> 00:18:59,181
Matter of fact,
I'd have preferred it.
476
00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:01,314
See? The man is
delirious with joy.
477
00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:02,924
Have some punch,
Hunnicutt,
478
00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,360
so we can get this glorious
occasion over with.
479
00:19:04,404 --> 00:19:06,710
Charles, you don't know
how right you are.
480
00:19:06,754 --> 00:19:08,712
-Whee!
-Oh, ho ho ho.
481
00:19:08,756 --> 00:19:10,714
-Congratulations.
-Thank you very much.
482
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:14,196
Happy anniversary, B.J.!
You old son of a gun!
483
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,242
And many, many more!
484
00:19:16,285 --> 00:19:18,983
Oh, thank you, Father.
Thank you, all.
485
00:19:19,027 --> 00:19:21,508
And here's to Hawkeye, who
couldn't be with us tonight.
486
00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:22,944
But don't worry. I'll save
a little punch for him.
487
00:19:22,987 --> 00:19:24,337
[laughing]
488
00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:26,817
Hold it. We got customers.
In here, guys.
489
00:19:26,861 --> 00:19:28,819
-Wounded?
-No, sir. Just cold as hell.
490
00:19:28,863 --> 00:19:30,821
Their truck froze up.
They've been walking for hours.
491
00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:32,432
Better get 'em over
here where it's warm.
492
00:19:32,475 --> 00:19:33,868
Check 'em
for frostbite.
493
00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:36,218
Gwen, Kellye,
go round up some blankets.
494
00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:38,220
Let's get something warm
into these guys.
495
00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:40,614
-[exhales]
-Get your, uh, gloves off.
496
00:19:40,657 --> 00:19:43,051
-Have some hot chocolate.
-Thank you.
497
00:19:43,094 --> 00:19:45,096
-You people don't have it
too soft here, do you?
-Huh?
498
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:46,707
Is this a special occasion,
499
00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:49,231
or is this one of your
everyday candlelit suppers?
500
00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:51,233
You park it right here
for a while, Sergeant.
501
00:19:51,277 --> 00:19:53,366
We'll see what we can do to
thaw out your opinion of us.
502
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:55,237
-Hemostat.
-Hemostat.
503
00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:56,369
What's his pressure?
504
00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:58,588
90 over 60.
He's doing fine.
505
00:19:58,632 --> 00:20:01,504
-[explosion]
-What was that?
506
00:20:01,548 --> 00:20:02,853
Sponge. Sounds like
the war is back in town.
507
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:04,246
Don't worry about that.
508
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:05,813
It's a North Korean
artillery unit.
509
00:20:05,856 --> 00:20:07,858
They're just firing into
the hills for practice.
510
00:20:07,902 --> 00:20:10,731
-[explosion]
-That was a lot closer.
511
00:20:10,774 --> 00:20:13,342
-Well, practice makes perfect.
-Forget it. Come on. Operate.
512
00:20:13,386 --> 00:20:15,388
-Hemostat.
-Hemostat.
513
00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:18,869
[explosion]
514
00:20:18,913 --> 00:20:20,741
I would definitely say
that was closer.
515
00:20:20,784 --> 00:20:22,699
So what? Keep going!
516
00:20:22,743 --> 00:20:24,832
Now I know why I never put in
for Battalion Aid station.
517
00:20:24,875 --> 00:20:27,530
[shells incoming]
518
00:20:28,705 --> 00:20:30,664
Anybody hurt?
519
00:20:30,707 --> 00:20:33,667
Aah! Besides me?
520
00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:34,885
What's wrong?
521
00:20:34,929 --> 00:20:36,583
My wrist,
I can't move it.
522
00:20:36,626 --> 00:20:39,934
We're in trouble. My arm
feels like it's broken.
523
00:20:39,977 --> 00:20:43,067
-Well, let me see.
Can you--
-Ow.
524
00:20:43,111 --> 00:20:45,505
-Can you move the fingers?
-Just a little.
525
00:20:45,548 --> 00:20:47,811
-But it's killing me.
-Oh, great!
526
00:20:47,855 --> 00:20:49,291
Now what do we do?
527
00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:51,685
Let me see
the other one.
528
00:20:51,728 --> 00:20:54,644
Well, you're cold.
But I don't think
there's any frostbite.
529
00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:56,037
-Ah, you're fine, son.
-Here you go.
530
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,126
Another slug of this
will warm up your cockles.
531
00:20:58,169 --> 00:21:00,084
Thanks. You people
kinda knock yourselves
out here, don't you?
532
00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:01,434
Yeah, kinda.
533
00:21:01,477 --> 00:21:03,958
You probably saved
our butts, Captain.
534
00:21:04,001 --> 00:21:05,438
I don't know
how to thank you.
535
00:21:05,481 --> 00:21:07,353
I do.
When's your birthday?
536
00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:08,528
June 12.
537
00:21:08,571 --> 00:21:10,530
Wrong.
It's just been promoted.
538
00:21:10,573 --> 00:21:13,315
Hey, everybody. Guess what.
We got a birthday boy here.
539
00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:15,317
Today's Sergeant Herbert's
birthday!
540
00:21:15,361 --> 00:21:17,798
[cheering]
541
00:21:17,841 --> 00:21:20,888
♪ Happy birthday to you
542
00:21:20,931 --> 00:21:23,891
♪ Happy birthday to you
543
00:21:23,934 --> 00:21:27,634
♪ Happy birthday,
Sergeant Herbert ♪
544
00:21:27,677 --> 00:21:30,550
♪ Happy birthday to you
545
00:21:30,593 --> 00:21:32,813
[cheering]
546
00:21:32,856 --> 00:21:35,032
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
547
00:21:35,076 --> 00:21:36,817
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
548
00:21:36,860 --> 00:21:37,948
How's his pressure?
549
00:21:37,992 --> 00:21:39,689
Fine. Good pulse too.
550
00:21:39,733 --> 00:21:41,822
Attaboy. Okay,
hold the tissue together
551
00:21:41,865 --> 00:21:43,127
while I get
the needle through.
552
00:21:45,042 --> 00:21:46,348
-Okay.
-Good.
553
00:21:46,392 --> 00:21:48,132
-Now we'll switch hands.
-Okay.
554
00:21:48,176 --> 00:21:49,525
Now you take that end
and put it over mine.
555
00:21:49,569 --> 00:21:51,527
-What, like this?
-No, over. Over.
556
00:21:51,571 --> 00:21:53,137
-Like that.
-Uh-huh.
557
00:21:53,181 --> 00:21:54,661
God, I'm used to doing this
without thinking.
558
00:21:54,704 --> 00:21:55,879
I forgot how to tie a knot.
559
00:21:57,228 --> 00:21:58,229
Okay. I got it.
I got it. I got it.
560
00:21:58,273 --> 00:21:59,492
-Wait a minute.
-Good.
561
00:21:59,535 --> 00:22:02,277
Okay, now pull it--
pull it taut while I--
562
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:04,279
-Uh--
-While I pull it down like--
563
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:06,325
-There! Okay. Okay,
we did it. Okay.
-Good! Fine.
564
00:22:06,368 --> 00:22:08,762
-Now we just pull it
to snug it down good.
-Yeah. Yeah.
565
00:22:08,805 --> 00:22:10,851
-Good. Over again.
-Yeah.
566
00:22:10,894 --> 00:22:12,287
Pull it down.
567
00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:14,637
Ha, ha! We did it.
We made a knot.
568
00:22:14,681 --> 00:22:16,509
-[chuckles]
-Okay. Let's do it again.
569
00:22:16,552 --> 00:22:17,858
At this rate,
we'll have him sewn up
570
00:22:17,901 --> 00:22:19,120
in time for his
retirement dinner.
571
00:22:19,163 --> 00:22:20,556
No, we got it.
Hold that little end.
572
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:22,341
-This goes a lot faster now.
-Okay, there.
573
00:22:22,384 --> 00:22:23,385
Put it down in there.
574
00:22:23,429 --> 00:22:24,343
-Uh-huh.
-Okay.
575
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,434
I gotta tell you. You guys
turned out to be pretty good.
576
00:22:28,477 --> 00:22:30,479
-Over--
-And under.
577
00:22:30,523 --> 00:22:32,873
And under. Pull it down.
578
00:22:32,916 --> 00:22:34,614
[laughing]
579
00:22:34,657 --> 00:22:36,659
-Are we great? We're great!
-Yeah, we're a team.
580
00:22:36,703 --> 00:22:38,748
I should've broken
my arm an hour ago.
581
00:22:38,792 --> 00:22:41,577
-An hour ago, I would
have broken it for you.
-[chuckles]
582
00:22:41,621 --> 00:22:44,275
You still want to close up
that facial laceration?
583
00:22:44,319 --> 00:22:46,321
How sure are you
about leaving it open?
584
00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:48,367
Positive. If-If he does
need a nerve graft,
585
00:22:48,410 --> 00:22:51,326
that's the best way to go.
586
00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:52,893
All right. Then that's
what we'll do.
587
00:22:52,936 --> 00:22:54,416
Whatever you say,
Dr. Right.
588
00:22:54,460 --> 00:22:55,939
No, whatever you say,
Dr. Left.
589
00:22:55,983 --> 00:22:56,940
[chuckles]
590
00:23:01,467 --> 00:23:04,295
Nice work, Doctor.
Looks like a perfect fit.
591
00:23:04,339 --> 00:23:06,123
Don't put any tension
on the graft.
592
00:23:06,167 --> 00:23:07,603
Gotcha.
593
00:23:07,647 --> 00:23:09,997
Damn clever of the Lord
to equip each of us
594
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,042
with his own set
of spare parts.
595
00:23:12,086 --> 00:23:13,348
Need another suture,
Margaret.
596
00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:15,089
-More tantalum here.
-Yes, Doctor.
597
00:23:15,132 --> 00:23:16,699
Fascinating procedure.
598
00:23:16,743 --> 00:23:18,614
It looks as though Dr. Kramer
will soon be smiling again.
599
00:23:18,658 --> 00:23:20,050
BJ: Why shouldn't he smile?
600
00:23:20,094 --> 00:23:21,661
First person in history
to have been operated on
601
00:23:21,704 --> 00:23:23,053
by a pair of
Siamese surgeons.
602
00:23:23,097 --> 00:23:25,316
You're right. I think
we both deserve a hand.
603
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:26,883
All right.
604
00:23:26,927 --> 00:23:28,407
-[chuckles]
-[laughing]
605
00:23:29,538 --> 00:23:31,671
♪♪ [theme]
606
00:23:42,595 --> 00:23:45,511
♪♪ [theme]
46702
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