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1
00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:04,091
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:54,010 --> 00:00:56,186
"His work in his own field
is outstanding.
3
00:00:56,230 --> 00:00:57,796
"Also outstanding
4
00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,495
is his frequent assistance
with medical duties,
5
00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:05,717
and his leadership can best
be described as outstanding."
6
00:01:05,761 --> 00:01:07,937
Kind words for me,
7
00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:10,113
but aren't there an awful
lot of "outstandings"?
8
00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:12,594
Army talk. It means you're
the top of the heap.
9
00:01:12,637 --> 00:01:15,814
The best of the bunch.
U.S.D.A. prime.
10
00:01:15,858 --> 00:01:19,079
Get this. "As his
commanding officer,
11
00:01:19,122 --> 00:01:21,385
"I have found him to be
an outstanding man,
12
00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:26,347
an outstanding cleric,
and an outstanding standout."
13
00:01:26,390 --> 00:01:28,218
Pure poetry.
It practically rhymes.
14
00:01:28,262 --> 00:01:29,654
I'm telling you,
you're in.
15
00:01:29,698 --> 00:01:32,788
Now, Klinger,
let's not be premature.
16
00:01:32,831 --> 00:01:35,486
Are you kidding?
When the promotions
board reads this,
17
00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:37,923
it's no more mild-mannered
lieutenant.
18
00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:41,057
In a flash you'll become
Captain Mulcahy,
19
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:44,234
champion of truth, justice,
and Monday night bingo.
20
00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:46,149
Klinger, you got a mouth
as big as the Missouri Gap.
21
00:01:46,193 --> 00:01:47,890
Hello, Padre.
22
00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:50,501
That efficiency report was
supposed to be confidential.
23
00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:53,287
Sir, you were eavesdropping
on my private conversation.
24
00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:57,247
Right now, Corporal,
I wouldn't mention
the word "private"
25
00:01:57,291 --> 00:01:58,553
if I were you.
26
00:01:59,989 --> 00:02:01,947
Aw, what the hell.
27
00:02:01,991 --> 00:02:03,688
Now that our Lebanese
Walter Winchell
28
00:02:03,732 --> 00:02:06,082
has let the cat
out of the bag,
29
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,171
Padre, it looks as though
30
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:10,695
you're finally going to get
those captain's bars.
31
00:02:10,739 --> 00:02:12,262
With all due respect, sir,
32
00:02:12,306 --> 00:02:14,917
that's what you said every
other time this came up.
33
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,788
This time's different.
With a lull on,
34
00:02:16,832 --> 00:02:19,922
I've had a chance
to call in
all my I.O.U.'s.
35
00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:23,708
Colonel, I'd just as soon
not get my hopes up.
36
00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:25,971
Padre, I've got more
brass in on this
37
00:02:26,015 --> 00:02:28,583
than John Philip Sousa's
trombone section.
38
00:02:28,626 --> 00:02:30,062
I appreciate
your efforts,
39
00:02:30,106 --> 00:02:31,281
but, uh, well,
40
00:02:31,325 --> 00:02:33,370
maybe we'd better
just wait
41
00:02:33,414 --> 00:02:35,111
and see what happens.
42
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,637
I feel like I just
told him his dog died.
43
00:02:39,681 --> 00:02:42,336
MULCAHY:
Ya-hoo-hoo!
44
00:02:45,295 --> 00:02:47,471
What'll we drink to this time?
45
00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:51,562
How about to inactivity,
the mother of inebriation?
46
00:02:51,606 --> 00:02:53,999
-Thanks, Mom.
-Hear, hear! Thank you.
47
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:57,177
Mm. All right, Charles,
your turn.
48
00:02:57,220 --> 00:02:59,004
Perhaps later.
I'm still nursing this one.
49
00:02:59,048 --> 00:03:01,442
You nurse that any longer,
it'll start teething.
50
00:03:01,485 --> 00:03:03,400
It is your turn,
Charles.
51
00:03:03,444 --> 00:03:05,185
Don't you know anything
about drunken etiquette?
52
00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:07,361
Always yield to
the lush on the right.
53
00:03:07,404 --> 00:03:11,147
Oh, why not?
Rosie, three more.
54
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,540
It will be
a momentary respite
55
00:03:12,583 --> 00:03:15,238
from this spate
of rummy humor.
56
00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:17,371
-[groans]
-♪♪ [singing in Greek]
57
00:03:17,414 --> 00:03:19,938
[speaking Turkish]
58
00:03:19,982 --> 00:03:21,505
Excuse me. Sorry.
Beg your pardon.
59
00:03:21,549 --> 00:03:24,552
Greek eat pig.
Greek sound like pig.
60
00:03:24,595 --> 00:03:27,990
Why they let Turks in here?
To clean latrines?
61
00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:33,561
-I-I wouldn't know.
I'm from out of town.
-[laughing]
62
00:03:33,604 --> 00:03:36,477
Hey, I got here just in time
for the cretins convention.
63
00:03:38,783 --> 00:03:40,394
You call this a tip?
64
00:03:40,437 --> 00:03:43,788
No. I call this my change.
65
00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:49,707
Excuse me, please.
Oh, watch out,
you careless twit.
66
00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:54,712
Looks like the drinks
are on him. [laughs]
67
00:03:56,845 --> 00:03:58,586
You threw a drink on me?
68
00:03:58,629 --> 00:04:01,023
Not on your life. It was
the Grecian gorilla here.
69
00:04:01,066 --> 00:04:02,677
You will die, Greek pig.
70
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:03,895
Now, hold--Now, see--It
could've been an accident.
71
00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:05,419
-[shouts in Greek]
-[shouts in Turkish]
72
00:04:05,462 --> 00:04:07,769
Charles, quick,
get out of the combat zone.
73
00:04:07,812 --> 00:04:09,553
Watch it, you bozos.
74
00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:11,207
Try any rough stuff in here,
75
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,687
you'll be pulling triggers
with your noses.
76
00:04:12,730 --> 00:04:14,950
My dear lady, there
will be no rough stuff.
77
00:04:14,993 --> 00:04:16,647
These gentlemen are Greek.
78
00:04:16,691 --> 00:04:18,432
They brought civilization
to the entire Mediterranean.
79
00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:20,956
-They brought goat droppings!
-[shouts in Greek]
80
00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:22,697
Of course-- Of course-- Whoa!
81
00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:24,960
There's a great deal to be
said for your Ottoman Empire.
82
00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:27,745
-Ottomans enslaved my people.
-Only thing they are good for!
83
00:04:27,789 --> 00:04:29,704
Gentlemen!
Gent--Wait, wait.
84
00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:31,662
This is not going
to solve a thing.
85
00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:33,229
I tell you what.
Let's all--
86
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:36,493
Let's all--
Let's all dance. [grunts]
87
00:04:36,537 --> 00:04:38,582
Yep.
88
00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:40,280
Colonel Potter,
why you let your people
89
00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:42,804
act like a bunch
of Looney Tunes?
90
00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:45,197
My place looks
like Pearl Harbor.
91
00:04:45,241 --> 00:04:46,764
I apologize, Rosie.
92
00:04:46,808 --> 00:04:48,331
It's amazing
how a couple of belts
93
00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:51,421
will turn some grownups
into Dead End Kids.
94
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:53,031
You're disgraceful.
95
00:04:53,075 --> 00:04:56,383
Army officers acting
like street thugs.
96
00:04:56,426 --> 00:04:59,037
Don't blame me. It was
Slapsie Maxie Winchester
97
00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:00,778
and his roundhouse diplomacy.
98
00:05:00,822 --> 00:05:03,651
Yeah. He was busy adding
injuries to his insults.
99
00:05:03,694 --> 00:05:05,653
We were hiding
under a ringside table.
100
00:05:05,696 --> 00:05:07,089
Thank you both very much.
101
00:05:07,132 --> 00:05:09,961
It was hardly
my fault.
102
00:05:10,005 --> 00:05:11,572
I proffered
an olive branch
103
00:05:11,615 --> 00:05:12,877
and was soundly
thrashed with it.
104
00:05:12,921 --> 00:05:14,749
What's this?
105
00:05:14,792 --> 00:05:16,185
Something to kill the pain
while I fix your leg.
106
00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:19,623
I am Turk.
I not need that.
107
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:22,365
If Turk has no need,
Greek no need.
108
00:05:22,409 --> 00:05:24,585
[scoffs] That'll teach him
a lesson, boy.
109
00:05:26,021 --> 00:05:28,371
One order of
plaster bandages.
110
00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:29,807
It think it's a bum rap.
111
00:05:29,851 --> 00:05:31,374
Uh, give it to BJ,
Father.
112
00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:32,854
Appreciate your
helping out.
113
00:05:32,897 --> 00:05:36,031
Right-O.
Here you are, BJ.
114
00:05:36,074 --> 00:05:37,815
-Oh, thank you, Father.
-Don't mention it.
115
00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:40,992
I'll go make some more.
It's not hard. [chuckles]
116
00:05:41,036 --> 00:05:42,733
Bye, now.
117
00:05:42,777 --> 00:05:45,301
Don't you just hate that
jollier-than-thou attitude?
118
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,390
Ever since he heard about
making Captain,
119
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:50,219
he's been bouncing around like
he's got helium in his halo.
120
00:05:50,262 --> 00:05:51,829
Would you step on it, Doc?
121
00:05:51,873 --> 00:05:54,179
I got to get back to
what's left of my saloon.
122
00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:56,051
Whoa, señorita.
You've got yourself
123
00:05:56,094 --> 00:05:57,531
a couple of
cracked ribs there.
124
00:05:57,574 --> 00:06:00,011
We have to keep them off
their feet for a week or so.
125
00:06:00,055 --> 00:06:01,839
We don't want you
developing pneumonia.
126
00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:04,973
A week or so?
If I'm gone for one day,
127
00:06:05,016 --> 00:06:07,584
my waitresses will steal
everything but kitchen sink.
128
00:06:07,628 --> 00:06:09,107
CHARLES: How fortunate.
129
00:06:09,151 --> 00:06:10,935
As long as you still have
your kitchen sink,
130
00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:13,851
you can continue your tradition
of fine wine making.
131
00:06:13,895 --> 00:06:17,072
Funny stuff, bozo.
But if I'm over here
for a week,
132
00:06:17,115 --> 00:06:18,943
you'll be stomping
your own grapes
133
00:06:18,987 --> 00:06:22,556
'cause there's not gonna
be no more Rosie's.
134
00:06:22,599 --> 00:06:24,601
We're talking a national
landmark here.
135
00:06:24,645 --> 00:06:26,168
The Drinkin' Memorial.
136
00:06:26,211 --> 00:06:27,517
Well,
it's all your fault.
137
00:06:27,561 --> 00:06:29,650
If you goons had
a shred of decency,
138
00:06:29,693 --> 00:06:31,086
you'd do something
to help her.
139
00:06:31,129 --> 00:06:33,131
We are tending to her
injuries, Major.
140
00:06:33,175 --> 00:06:35,133
Do we now send out
for spareribs?
141
00:06:35,177 --> 00:06:37,440
This hurts us, too,
you know, Margaret.
142
00:06:37,484 --> 00:06:39,355
Pain and war and pestilence
are one thing,
143
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,052
but closing down
an innocent saloon
144
00:06:41,096 --> 00:06:43,577
in the prime of its life
is a staggering blow.
145
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:45,970
All you talk about
is your own selfish fun.
146
00:06:46,014 --> 00:06:47,407
What about poor Rosie?
147
00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:49,409
That saloon
is her livelihood.
148
00:06:49,452 --> 00:06:51,802
-What do you expect us to do?
-Go run the place.
149
00:06:51,846 --> 00:06:54,501
[laughs]
Run a saloon?
150
00:06:54,544 --> 00:06:57,591
What an idea. Beats
what we're doing now,
which is nothing.
151
00:06:57,634 --> 00:06:59,680
-What do you think, Hawk?
-Yeah, might be fun.
152
00:06:59,723 --> 00:07:01,638
We already know the bottom
of every table
153
00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:02,944
and glass in that place.
154
00:07:02,987 --> 00:07:04,119
Right. Besides,
if we can't take care
155
00:07:04,162 --> 00:07:05,163
of a broken-down joint,
who can?
156
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:06,904
What do you say, Colonel?
157
00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:10,473
Sounds okay to me.
How's it strike you,
Rosie?
158
00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:12,257
Sure.
What I got to lose?
159
00:07:12,301 --> 00:07:13,868
All right, then.
It's settled.
160
00:07:13,911 --> 00:07:15,478
Unless we get busy,
I guess
161
00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:18,394
you're all on temporary
duty as saloonkeepers.
162
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,223
The word "all"
has, uh--
163
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:24,356
has an unfortunate
connotation of, uh-- uh--
164
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,967
You can't mean me?
165
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:29,100
How's the connotation
"set 'em up, Joe" grab you?
166
00:07:29,144 --> 00:07:30,493
Come on, Charles,
you'll love it.
167
00:07:30,537 --> 00:07:31,755
You can be the bouncer.
168
00:07:31,799 --> 00:07:33,409
Besides,
snappy guy like you
169
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:34,584
will attract
a better class of riffraff.
170
00:07:36,368 --> 00:07:37,979
Water down the drinks?
171
00:07:38,022 --> 00:07:40,460
No wonder the olives
have barnacles on them.
172
00:07:40,503 --> 00:07:42,636
You've got to. Keep prices
from getting high.
173
00:07:42,679 --> 00:07:44,333
Has the same effect
on the customers.
174
00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:46,117
Now for waitresses.
175
00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:48,903
-I get 30% of tips.
-Thirty percent?
176
00:07:48,946 --> 00:07:51,427
My share of what
they swiping from me.
177
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,342
I think I'm getting it.
We water down the drinks
178
00:07:53,385 --> 00:07:55,083
-and shake down
the waitresses.
-Nice.
179
00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:56,519
Last but most
important thing.
180
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,086
Be good to Muldoon.
181
00:07:58,129 --> 00:07:59,479
Who's Muldoon?
182
00:07:59,522 --> 00:08:02,699
Military police. Also
my public relations man.
183
00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:06,050
Oh, yeah. The man in
the gray flannel fatigues.
184
00:08:06,094 --> 00:08:08,705
Muldoon tells the army
Rosie is strictly legit.
185
00:08:08,749 --> 00:08:10,272
For that I give him
free booze.
186
00:08:10,315 --> 00:08:11,578
Pour it in a coffee cup.
187
00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:13,318
He likes to think
he's fooling people.
188
00:08:13,362 --> 00:08:15,059
You bribe
a military policeman?
189
00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:17,758
What bribe?
Free enterprise.
190
00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:20,587
He drinks free,
I keep my enterprise.
191
00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:23,024
-Ah.
-Uh-huh.
192
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,026
What do you mean
they can't find it?
193
00:08:25,069 --> 00:08:26,723
Without that file,
194
00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:29,857
he doesn't stand
a snowball's chance, Herb.
195
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,554
We can't let 'em
do this to the padre.
196
00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:33,774
His head is so high
in the clouds,
197
00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:37,908
he starts his prayers
with "As long as I'm
in the neighborhood."
198
00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:39,606
You bet your bazookas
I'm worried.
199
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:42,434
That promotion board's
already sittin'.
200
00:08:42,478 --> 00:08:43,958
Now you get on that Teletype
201
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:46,656
and keep after
those Pentagon pantywaists
202
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:49,267
till the cows come home.
203
00:08:49,311 --> 00:08:52,227
Fine, fine. Yeah,
you do that, Herbie.
204
00:08:54,229 --> 00:08:55,491
[sigh]
205
00:08:56,971 --> 00:09:01,105
Man graduated
312th out of 320,
206
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:03,455
and he says he's
gonna do his best.
207
00:09:03,499 --> 00:09:05,980
[chattering]
208
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:07,416
Hunnicutt,
why didn't you tell me
209
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:09,374
we only had two bottles
of scotch left?
210
00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:11,594
Margaret, didn't you pay
any attention to Rosie?
211
00:09:11,638 --> 00:09:13,161
As long as the plumbing
holds out,
212
00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:14,510
we got plenty of scotch.
213
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,599
Hey, good-looking.
What time do you get off?
214
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:18,427
You G.I.s are all alike.
215
00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:19,776
Just 'cause I work in a bar
216
00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:21,517
and have a body
that stops traffic,
217
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,563
you think I'm some kind
of cheap one-night stand.
218
00:09:23,606 --> 00:09:26,304
Okay, but just
this one night.
219
00:09:26,348 --> 00:09:27,697
Knock it off.
We've got a problem.
220
00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,003
What? What?
221
00:09:29,046 --> 00:09:30,657
Pierce, Suni
is trying to stiff us
222
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:31,962
for the 30% of the tips.
223
00:09:32,006 --> 00:09:35,836
She now owes us
close to $1.26.
224
00:09:35,879 --> 00:09:39,448
Wow, for that kind of money,
I say we have her killed.
225
00:09:39,491 --> 00:09:40,971
We've gotta be
fair to Rosie.
226
00:09:41,015 --> 00:09:43,365
Now go and lean
on that waitress.
227
00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:46,455
-Me, Noeël the Coward?
-Go.
228
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,983
-Uh, Suni.
-Yeah, Joe?
229
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,550
Uh, there's
this matter of 30%.
230
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:59,424
I'm sure it must've
been an oversight.
231
00:09:59,468 --> 00:10:01,209
When-When you get a tip,
232
00:10:01,252 --> 00:10:03,951
you have to give Rosie
a cut, remember?
233
00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:08,564
Rosie. Money.
234
00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:13,351
You give share tips.
235
00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:15,615
Why am I suddenly talking
like some guy named Milton
236
00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:17,312
who's lost in Barcelona?
237
00:10:19,401 --> 00:10:21,446
The hell with it.
Nice babbling with you.
238
00:10:25,276 --> 00:10:28,758
Okay. One dollar
and 26 cents.
239
00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,238
She give you
an argument?
240
00:10:30,281 --> 00:10:32,283
No. She knew it was either
fork over the dough
241
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:34,416
or wind up in
a cement kimono.
242
00:10:34,459 --> 00:10:38,812
Five, 10, 15, 16.
You call this a profit?
243
00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:41,162
Rosie,
we're doing our best.
244
00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:44,426
How you people got to be
world power beats me.
245
00:10:44,469 --> 00:10:45,557
[sniffing]
246
00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:48,343
This liver
smells terrible.
247
00:10:48,386 --> 00:10:49,692
That's because
it's fish.
248
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:52,739
Then this fish
has liver trouble.
249
00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:54,262
You! Nurse!
250
00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:57,004
-Take this away.
-As you were, lieutenant.
251
00:10:57,047 --> 00:10:59,702
Madam,
this is a hospital,
252
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:01,399
not the Uijeongbu Waldorf.
253
00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:03,663
Good thing,
'cause the food
makes me sick.
254
00:11:03,706 --> 00:11:05,969
Now, see here,
you're getting the
finest medical care
255
00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:08,450
with Uncle Sam
picking up the tab.
256
00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:11,801
Not to mention that we're
working double time to keep
your business afloat.
257
00:11:11,845 --> 00:11:13,716
And you're not
very good at it, either.
258
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,457
Well, it's not from
lack of trying,
259
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:18,112
so you might start acting
a little more grateful,
260
00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:19,766
and a lot less
persnickety.
261
00:11:19,809 --> 00:11:22,116
Sir, telephone.
Colonel Hochburg
at "I" Corps.
262
00:11:22,159 --> 00:11:23,987
Two hips and a hooray.
263
00:11:24,031 --> 00:11:25,859
That's gotta be about
Mulcahy.
264
00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:27,643
Madam, I'll leave you
to finish
265
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,514
your well-balanced
nutritious spread.
266
00:11:29,558 --> 00:11:31,038
And just remember:
267
00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:34,519
you can catch more flies
with honey than with vinegar.
268
00:11:34,563 --> 00:11:37,566
Thanks, but I'm catching
all I need with this lunch.
269
00:11:39,655 --> 00:11:41,918
[speaking Turkish]
270
00:11:41,962 --> 00:11:45,008
[speaking Greek]
271
00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:47,619
[Turkish]
272
00:11:47,663 --> 00:11:49,709
[Greek]
273
00:11:52,059 --> 00:11:54,626
-Get a corpsman quick!
-Corpsman! Corpsman!
274
00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:57,368
If you people run my place
like you run your hospital,
275
00:11:57,412 --> 00:11:59,109
I'm out of business.
276
00:12:01,111 --> 00:12:02,417
[knocking]
277
00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:07,378
-[knocking continues]
-Come in.
278
00:12:07,422 --> 00:12:10,642
-Evening, Padre.
-Oh.
279
00:12:10,686 --> 00:12:12,688
Excuse the hour.
I saw your light.
280
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,342
Oh, that's perfectly
all right.
281
00:12:14,385 --> 00:12:16,344
I'm just settling down
with the Good Book.
282
00:12:16,387 --> 00:12:17,954
You know, I've been
hoisting my heinie
283
00:12:17,998 --> 00:12:19,695
to get you that promotion.
284
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,393
Yes, and I've been meaning to
tell you how grateful I am.
285
00:12:22,437 --> 00:12:24,526
I got half the Pentagon
writing you recommendations
286
00:12:24,569 --> 00:12:26,180
and the other half
reading 'em.
287
00:12:26,223 --> 00:12:29,096
[laughs]
I'm grateful to them too.
288
00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:31,228
Well, between the writing
and the reading,
289
00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:34,144
somehow
they lost your file.
290
00:12:34,188 --> 00:12:37,104
It just never showed up
at the promotions board.
291
00:12:37,147 --> 00:12:38,975
I don't think I follow you.
292
00:12:39,019 --> 00:12:42,413
The captain's list came out,
and you weren't on it.
293
00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:44,328
-[Bible snaps closed]
-Again?
294
00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:46,722
I didn't want you to find out
off of some bulletin board.
295
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,985
I know how you feel, Padre.
296
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:53,076
With all due respect, sir,
this is the fourth time.
297
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,730
Why me?
298
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:57,341
You can't imagine
how many nerds I knew
299
00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:59,517
at the chaplain school
who are now majors.
300
00:12:59,561 --> 00:13:02,694
My own sister's about
to become Mother Superior.
301
00:13:02,738 --> 00:13:05,436
I think maybe somebody
up there doesn't like me.
302
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,917
-Simmer down.
-I hope you understand, sir.
303
00:13:07,961 --> 00:13:09,832
This isn't directed at you.
304
00:13:09,876 --> 00:13:12,052
I'm angry with
the fools and dolts
305
00:13:12,095 --> 00:13:13,880
and dodoes at the Pentagon
306
00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:15,751
who-who have more points
on their heads
307
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,492
than the building
they work in.
308
00:13:17,535 --> 00:13:20,190
[huffs]
I'm going for a walk.
309
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:23,933
I have had it with the Army
and their stupid promotions.
310
00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:36,598
-Father. Excuse me, Father.
-What is it, Klinger?
311
00:13:36,641 --> 00:13:38,556
Look, Father, we have
a problem in post-op.
312
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,123
Well, you've come
to the right man.
313
00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:43,387
Francis Mulcahy, your
humble lieutenant priest.
314
00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:45,041
It's the Greek and the Turk.
315
00:13:45,085 --> 00:13:46,956
They've had another outbreak
of fist-and-mouth disease.
316
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:50,177
Oh, boy.
Will those two never learn
to behave like adults?
317
00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:51,831
You could quiet
things down in there.
318
00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:54,268
We Mediterraneans have
a lot of respect for holy men.
319
00:13:54,311 --> 00:13:57,358
I'd be happy to. It's one
of my many thankless jobs.
320
00:13:57,401 --> 00:13:59,664
Never too busy to raise
the spirits of others.
321
00:13:59,708 --> 00:14:01,884
After all,
I've nothing else to do
322
00:14:01,928 --> 00:14:04,669
like putting on
captain's bars.
323
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:07,890
Hey, hey!
Sorry to break this up,
324
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:09,718
but visiting hour is over.
325
00:14:09,761 --> 00:14:11,154
[grunting]
326
00:14:11,198 --> 00:14:12,764
-[speaking Turkish]
-Just let me kill him.
327
00:14:12,808 --> 00:14:14,375
It'll only take minute.
328
00:14:14,418 --> 00:14:16,681
I just finished fixing his leg
from the last time.
329
00:14:16,725 --> 00:14:19,641
I'm not gonna let you go
until the both of you
promise to make nice.
330
00:14:19,684 --> 00:14:22,644
Okay, okay.
I no fight no more.
331
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,211
It's about time.
332
00:14:24,254 --> 00:14:27,562
The war just called
complaining about the noise.
333
00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:29,999
Wait! Wait!
Wait till you hear the bell.
334
00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:31,783
Now it's worse. Hawkeye's
beating up two cripples!
335
00:14:31,827 --> 00:14:33,263
What in the name of--
336
00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:35,004
Hello, Father. Welcome
to the United Nations,
337
00:14:35,048 --> 00:14:36,571
Middleweight Division.
338
00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:38,747
See here. Have we forgotten
that we're all allies?
339
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:40,531
I am reasonable man.
340
00:14:40,575 --> 00:14:43,230
Talk to Greek,
offspring of camel and goat.
341
00:14:43,273 --> 00:14:45,058
Pig! Dog! Donkey!
342
00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:46,886
We don't need a priest.
We need a veterinarian.
343
00:14:46,929 --> 00:14:48,583
I think we've had
quite enough brawling
344
00:14:48,626 --> 00:14:49,758
from you two hooligans.
345
00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:51,499
I happen to be Chaplain here.
346
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:54,502
You are infidel.
I will not listen to you.
347
00:14:54,545 --> 00:14:57,809
Leave before you get hurt.
This is a fight between mens.
348
00:14:57,853 --> 00:15:02,162
Is that so? Well, don't let
this saintly demeanor fool you.
349
00:15:02,205 --> 00:15:04,164
I happen to be
pretty handy with my dukes.
350
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:06,949
I could flatten the both of you
and not even work up a sweat.
351
00:15:06,993 --> 00:15:09,952
So I suggest you remember
what it says in the Good Book:
352
00:15:09,996 --> 00:15:12,912
Love thy neighbor
or I'll punch your lights out.
353
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:15,697
Got that? Huh!
354
00:15:17,786 --> 00:15:20,615
Nothing like a man
with a good one-two prayer.
355
00:15:20,658 --> 00:15:23,139
Klinger!
356
00:15:23,183 --> 00:15:24,575
You rattled the rafters,
sir?
357
00:15:24,619 --> 00:15:26,360
What is going on in post-op?
358
00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:28,449
Is that the padre doing
all that caterwauling?
359
00:15:28,492 --> 00:15:30,320
Yes, just a little sermon
to the Greek and the Turk
360
00:15:30,364 --> 00:15:32,540
-from the Book of Threats.
-Damn.
361
00:15:32,583 --> 00:15:33,933
I never
should've told him
362
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:35,804
that promotion was
a lead-pipe cinch.
363
00:15:35,847 --> 00:15:37,632
He could have us
on the brink of a holy war.
364
00:15:37,675 --> 00:15:39,590
It's not your fault,
compassionate leader.
365
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:41,984
You've done everything
but call the Pentagon
yourself.
366
00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:43,377
You're absolutely right.
367
00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:45,205
Get on that phone.
Get me the Pentagon.
368
00:15:45,248 --> 00:15:46,467
The What-a-gone, sir?
369
00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:48,512
The Pentagon.
Weird-looking building.
370
00:15:48,556 --> 00:15:50,993
Four walls and a spare.
Monument to Murphy's Law.
371
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:52,212
Assuming I get through,
372
00:15:52,255 --> 00:15:54,475
to whom does the colonel
wish to speak?
373
00:15:54,518 --> 00:15:56,956
To whomever's home.
374
00:15:56,999 --> 00:16:00,698
A shot,
and a beer.
375
00:16:00,742 --> 00:16:02,048
That ought to wet
the old whistle.
376
00:16:02,091 --> 00:16:03,266
Keep the change.
377
00:16:03,310 --> 00:16:05,007
Ah, thank you
most kindly.
378
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,878
Now I can get that operation
for the wife.
379
00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:11,579
Gentlemen,
ten years from now,
380
00:16:11,622 --> 00:16:14,190
I shall shut myself
in the library,
381
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:16,584
pour myself a snifter
of cognac,
382
00:16:16,627 --> 00:16:19,587
think back on the memory
of this evening,
383
00:16:19,630 --> 00:16:22,024
and upchuck.
384
00:16:22,068 --> 00:16:23,721
Spoken like
a true aristocrat.
385
00:16:23,765 --> 00:16:25,854
Come on, Charles,
you came here to
serve your country.
386
00:16:25,897 --> 00:16:27,638
Yo, porky.
387
00:16:27,682 --> 00:16:31,816
-Get me another shot.
-Wha--
388
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:33,688
Did he call me porky?
389
00:16:33,731 --> 00:16:34,994
I'm not sure.
390
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:37,213
Why don't you waddle
over and ask him?
391
00:16:37,257 --> 00:16:39,346
Bumpkin.
392
00:16:39,389 --> 00:16:41,783
Another little
thirst-quencher?
393
00:16:41,826 --> 00:16:43,611
You must have
a hollow leg, chum.
394
00:16:43,654 --> 00:16:46,527
I got a "Dear John"
letter from my girl.
395
00:16:46,570 --> 00:16:47,702
Ah.
396
00:16:47,745 --> 00:16:50,922
She dumped me
for some college guy.
397
00:16:50,966 --> 00:16:53,925
You think some college guy
is better than me?
398
00:16:53,969 --> 00:16:56,580
Which college?
399
00:16:56,624 --> 00:16:58,756
Rah, rah.
400
00:17:00,193 --> 00:17:02,021
She's gotta be crazy.
401
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:03,631
Have you by any chance read
402
00:17:03,674 --> 00:17:06,025
what Freud has to say
on the subject of insanity?
403
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:07,243
Floyd who?
404
00:17:07,287 --> 00:17:11,073
Not Floyd. Freud.
405
00:17:11,117 --> 00:17:14,772
Sigmund Freud. The father
of psychoanalytic thought.
406
00:17:14,816 --> 00:17:18,298
You're pretty smart
for a bartender, porky.
407
00:17:18,341 --> 00:17:22,519
The name is Charles
Emerson Winchester III.
408
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:24,782
You can call me Major.
409
00:17:24,826 --> 00:17:29,483
You know, you talk
like a college boy.
410
00:17:29,526 --> 00:17:32,790
-Harvard, '43.
-Close enough.
411
00:17:32,834 --> 00:17:35,750
-[shouts]
-My parents made me go.
I hated it.
412
00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:37,578
Easy. Charles, when a guy
says one more round,
413
00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:39,101
he means a drink.
414
00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:40,146
Why don't you wait
outside in the alley?
415
00:17:40,189 --> 00:17:41,538
He gets off at midnight.
416
00:17:41,582 --> 00:17:44,063
Stinkin' college boy.
[straining]
417
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:46,848
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. This way, sir.
418
00:17:46,891 --> 00:17:49,894
I graduated summa cum laude.
Lettered in crew and polo.
419
00:17:49,938 --> 00:17:53,028
Women dripping off me.
Rah, rah, rah.
420
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,813
I'll knock his stupid
beanie off.
421
00:17:55,857 --> 00:18:00,383
Thank you, gentlemen.
I'll take it from here.
422
00:18:00,427 --> 00:18:02,690
And we thought he was
too drunk to reason with.
423
00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:04,518
-Hello, mate.
-Hello.
424
00:18:04,561 --> 00:18:07,129
-Where's Rosie?
-She's laid up. Bad ribs.
425
00:18:07,173 --> 00:18:09,131
-Bloody shame.
-Indeed.
426
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:11,829
Well, I'm Muldoon.
427
00:18:11,873 --> 00:18:13,527
How nice for you.
428
00:18:13,570 --> 00:18:15,137
How about my coffee?
429
00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:17,139
One coffee.
430
00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:20,447
Do I detect a trace
of the United Kingdom
in your accent?
431
00:18:20,490 --> 00:18:24,190
-Australia.
-Oh.
432
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:27,193
What's this?
433
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:29,891
Coffee.
434
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:33,024
What's the big idea
of putting coffee
in my coffee cup?
435
00:18:33,068 --> 00:18:35,026
What did you expect,
petrol?
436
00:18:35,070 --> 00:18:37,986
I expect
scotch whiskey in it.
437
00:18:38,029 --> 00:18:41,555
Oh. I feel the perfect fool.
438
00:18:41,598 --> 00:18:44,645
I presume this is one of those
quaint Australian customs
439
00:18:44,688 --> 00:18:47,169
like heaving boomerangs
at kangaroos?
440
00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:49,867
Twenty-five cents, please.
We also accept quid and bob.
441
00:18:49,911 --> 00:18:53,001
You Yanks,
always cracking jokes.
442
00:18:53,044 --> 00:18:57,048
I fail to see the humor
in paying one's tab.
443
00:18:57,092 --> 00:18:58,746
I don't pay, see?
444
00:18:58,789 --> 00:19:01,096
Then you don't drink, see?
445
00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:04,621
Do you know who I am?
446
00:19:04,665 --> 00:19:07,668
Yes. A cheap poltroon
is who you are.
447
00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:10,061
-You'll pay for this.
-Well, that's more
than I can say for you.
448
00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:12,890
Now why don't you
just Australian crawl
on out of here?
449
00:19:12,934 --> 00:19:15,023
You've made
a big mistake, Yank.
450
00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:18,374
Huh. The Aborigines are
the civilized ones...
451
00:19:18,418 --> 00:19:19,897
porky.
452
00:19:19,941 --> 00:19:23,292
That's him. Lieutenant
Frances John Mulcahy.
453
00:19:23,336 --> 00:19:24,598
Klinger, stop
standing at attention.
454
00:19:24,641 --> 00:19:26,034
You're giving me
the willies.
455
00:19:26,077 --> 00:19:27,557
But, sir,
that's the Pentagon.
456
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,255
I don't want them
to hear me slouch.
457
00:19:29,298 --> 00:19:33,041
At ease, for cryin' out loud.
Yes-- Mulcahy.
458
00:19:33,084 --> 00:19:35,913
If you could just walk that file
over to the promotions board,
459
00:19:35,957 --> 00:19:37,219
it'd be a real
shot in the arm
460
00:19:37,263 --> 00:19:40,701
for the spiritual
well-being of this unit.
461
00:19:40,744 --> 00:19:43,225
Well, who in blazes
did you send it to?
462
00:19:43,269 --> 00:19:45,227
The chief of chaplains?
463
00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:47,664
Then switch me to him.
Thank you.
464
00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:51,102
Klinger, you old camel-trader.
This is the actual Pentagon.
465
00:19:51,146 --> 00:19:52,974
How the devil
did you get through?
466
00:19:53,017 --> 00:19:54,932
Proverbial piece
of baklava, sir.
467
00:19:54,976 --> 00:19:56,412
First I told them
I was General Imbrie,
468
00:19:56,456 --> 00:19:58,109
and they told me
they'd do their best.
469
00:19:58,153 --> 00:20:00,590
Then I told 'em I was
General Imbrie's girlfriend.
470
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,853
Next voice I heard
said, "Hello. Pentagon."
471
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:05,900
I don't know whether
to have you promoted
or court-martialed.
472
00:20:05,943 --> 00:20:08,337
Hello. This is
Colonel Sherman Potter.
473
00:20:08,381 --> 00:20:12,211
I wanna speak to the chief
of chaplains mucho pronto.
474
00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:14,604
Oh, it's you, General.
475
00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:17,128
I like a man who answers
his own phone.
476
00:20:17,172 --> 00:20:20,697
I'm calling about
Lieutenant Frances Mulcahy.
477
00:20:20,741 --> 00:20:24,788
You read the file.
Yes, he is outstanding.
478
00:20:24,832 --> 00:20:27,530
I couldn't have said it
better myself.
479
00:20:27,574 --> 00:20:29,793
Listen, if you could just
have one of your staff
480
00:20:29,837 --> 00:20:31,491
walk that file over to--
481
00:20:31,534 --> 00:20:34,624
What?
Who'd you send it to?
482
00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:38,367
Well, do you think
he'd be in? Sure I'll wait.
483
00:20:38,411 --> 00:20:41,675
Man answers his own phone.
Must be a Unitarian.
484
00:20:41,718 --> 00:20:45,244
Attention. May I please
have your attention?
485
00:20:45,287 --> 00:20:46,593
-I'd like to propose a toast.
-Uh-huh.
486
00:20:46,636 --> 00:20:48,290
To a real hero
487
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:51,511
whose raw courage in the face
of hand-to-hand combat
488
00:20:51,554 --> 00:20:53,861
was an inspiration to us all.
489
00:20:53,904 --> 00:20:57,299
-Welcome back, Rosie.
-ALL: Welcome back.
490
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:59,997
A lady who really
belongs behind bars.
491
00:21:00,041 --> 00:21:04,611
Madam, I think I speak for
my entire unit when I say
492
00:21:04,654 --> 00:21:06,308
that it was a great day
for all of us
493
00:21:06,352 --> 00:21:08,876
when you walked
out that post-op door.
494
00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:12,793
Good to be back,
and you not
a bad bunch of Joes.
495
00:21:12,836 --> 00:21:16,187
-Rosie never forget you
for what you've done.
-Aw, forget it.
496
00:21:16,231 --> 00:21:18,146
By the way, who's paying
for these drinks?
497
00:21:19,365 --> 00:21:21,541
Your gratitude
is overwhelming.
498
00:21:21,584 --> 00:21:23,282
Now on to new business.
499
00:21:23,325 --> 00:21:26,241
Padre, I know you're
familiar with the saying
500
00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:28,330
Good things come
to he who waits.
501
00:21:28,374 --> 00:21:30,680
I beg your pardon, sir?
502
00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:32,552
We didn't bring you
here to tie one on
503
00:21:32,595 --> 00:21:34,858
just 'cause Rosie's
back in the pink.
504
00:21:34,902 --> 00:21:38,427
We have a better reason.
Pierce, the floor is yours.
505
00:21:38,471 --> 00:21:41,038
It oughta be.
I spend enough time on it.
506
00:21:41,082 --> 00:21:44,651
Father Mulcahy, we live
in a world of tradition.
507
00:21:44,694 --> 00:21:47,741
And as everyone knows,
the military is full of it.
508
00:21:47,784 --> 00:21:49,743
On this auspicious occasion,
509
00:21:49,786 --> 00:21:51,701
tradition dictates
that I pass along to you
510
00:21:51,745 --> 00:21:53,877
something of my very own.
511
00:21:53,921 --> 00:21:55,662
Your captain's bars?
512
00:21:55,705 --> 00:21:58,447
Very low mileage.
I hardly ever
captain in them.
513
00:22:00,493 --> 00:22:02,495
Congratulations.
You made it, Captain.
514
00:22:02,538 --> 00:22:05,324
But I-I thought
I wasn't on the list.
515
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:07,587
Well, I just made me
a phone call
516
00:22:07,630 --> 00:22:09,589
with the help of this real
operator here.
517
00:22:09,632 --> 00:22:11,547
It was nothing.
The only problem is
518
00:22:11,591 --> 00:22:13,941
now I'm engaged
to General Imbrie.
519
00:22:13,984 --> 00:22:16,770
All right, troops.
Ten-hut!
520
00:22:20,730 --> 00:22:23,254
Thank you all.
521
00:22:23,298 --> 00:22:26,997
I appreciate your support
and patience.
522
00:22:27,041 --> 00:22:29,870
This experience has taught me
a valuable lesson.
523
00:22:29,913 --> 00:22:32,612
The meek may
inherit the earth,
524
00:22:32,655 --> 00:22:34,831
but it's the grumpy
who get promoted.
525
00:22:36,442 --> 00:22:38,226
-Congratulations.
-Congratulations, Father.
526
00:22:42,665 --> 00:22:44,406
When the two sisters'
car broke down,
527
00:22:44,450 --> 00:22:46,930
I said, "Why don't you go
over to the fruit stand?
528
00:22:46,974 --> 00:22:50,543
Don't nuns always
travel in pairs?"
529
00:22:50,586 --> 00:22:52,675
[forced laughter]
530
00:22:52,719 --> 00:22:55,330
Father, the only place you
should tell that joke
531
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:56,723
is in confession.
532
00:22:56,766 --> 00:22:58,507
Perhaps the good father
is trying to get demoted
533
00:22:58,551 --> 00:23:00,553
and excommunicated
at the same time.
534
00:23:00,596 --> 00:23:03,425
[whistle blows]
All right, clear out.
535
00:23:03,469 --> 00:23:05,340
This place is now
officially off-limits.
536
00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:07,298
Well, if it isn't
Mr. Coffee Nerves.
537
00:23:07,342 --> 00:23:09,300
I beg your pardon, sonny.
538
00:23:09,344 --> 00:23:11,215
I am the commanding officer
here.
539
00:23:11,259 --> 00:23:14,175
Across the road, Colonel,
but not here.
540
00:23:14,218 --> 00:23:15,481
Oh.
541
00:23:15,524 --> 00:23:17,178
Muldoon, are you nuts?
542
00:23:17,221 --> 00:23:19,310
-I'm shutting you down, ducky.
-What for?
543
00:23:19,354 --> 00:23:21,617
Military violation.
544
00:23:21,661 --> 00:23:24,881
It's a dirty lie.
I'm military,
545
00:23:24,925 --> 00:23:26,753
and I've never been
violated in here.
546
00:23:26,796 --> 00:23:28,232
I don't know why I
keep coming back.
547
00:23:28,276 --> 00:23:30,321
Come on, Muldoon.
We got a deal.
548
00:23:30,365 --> 00:23:32,106
You should've
thought of that
549
00:23:32,149 --> 00:23:35,152
before you put
Chauncey Uppercrust
behind the bar.
550
00:23:35,196 --> 00:23:37,894
I get you for this,
Chauncey.
551
00:23:37,938 --> 00:23:39,505
You've done quite enough
already.
552
00:23:39,548 --> 00:23:42,595
I'll handle this.
Excuse me.
553
00:23:42,638 --> 00:23:45,685
I happen to be
a newly ordained captain.
554
00:23:45,728 --> 00:23:48,557
Have you ever heard
the one about the two nuns
and the fruit stand?
555
00:23:48,601 --> 00:23:49,776
[chattering]
556
00:23:49,819 --> 00:23:51,299
♪♪ [theme]
557
00:24:02,397 --> 00:24:04,965
♪♪ [theme]
42196
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