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♪♪ [theme]
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MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
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More Olympic results
from Helsinki.
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In the men's water polo
competition,
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00:00:59,842 --> 00:01:02,192
the U.S. splashed
to a fourth-place finish.
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I wonder what they give
you for fourth place.
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They name you
Miss Congeniality.
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Hey, mind if I sit down?
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I don't know.
Who's behind that food?
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Join us, Ames. Just put
the tray down easy.
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Come on, you guys. Lay off.
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I got enough troubles
without hearin' from you two.
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Care to spill 'em
between bites?
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The army's kicking me out.
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They say I'm too fat
to be a good soldier.
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Maybe they're just
trying to save on food.
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I've been in for 15 years.
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Now I'm gonna lose my job,
my pension, everything.
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Damn Army.
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You want your bacon?
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I got a great idea:
Don't eat.
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Look, I'm too far gone.
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I only got 10 days
until my orders come in.
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What's the difference if I'm
20 pounds overweight or 30?
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Beej, I don't believe Ames
here is familiar with
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the amazing Pierce-Hunnicutt
quick-loss plan.
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00:01:49,631 --> 00:01:51,111
-Huh?
-It's famous.
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Simple diet and exercise.
20 pounds in 10 days.
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If not completely
satisfied,
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00:01:55,376 --> 00:01:57,856
your blubber cheerfully
refunded. What do you say?
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You know, I'd appreciate
that a whole lot.
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Okay. Here's step number 1.
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00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:07,301
That hurts.
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00:02:07,344 --> 00:02:08,737
You look
thinner already.
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00:02:08,780 --> 00:02:10,173
Hey, you're in luck.
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No one's touched
the chipped beef.
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Here. Eat it before it
curls my nose hairs.
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-Ah-ah-ah.
-Ah-ah.
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-Take it away, Klinger.
-Sarge!
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How can you resist
that rich, gray slop?
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I have to lose weight
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or be thrown
out of the army.
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Wait a minute.
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They can discharge you
for being fat?
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B.J.: Yeah.
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Let me at it!
Let me at it!
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Ha ha ha!
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You're a lucky dog,
Penobscott.
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Manila's a swell spot for R&R.
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When you get there,
first place you wanna go--
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What?
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Okay. I'll tell her.
Ha ha! Adios.
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Colonel, I understand there is
a phone call from my husband.
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Make that a "was," Major.
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Penobscott couldn't
wait all day.
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Oh, rats! Did he
leave a message?
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00:02:59,831 --> 00:03:02,573
He says he wants
to spend as much R&R
with you as he can.
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00:03:02,617 --> 00:03:04,749
That's why he'll be here
Friday to pick you up.
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Donald's coming here?
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Oh, don't worry.
We'll dust.
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Oh, that big,
thoughtful hunk of bear!
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Well put.
Now, listen, Major.
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When you get to Manila,
first place you wanna go--
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Oh, thank you, Colonel.
Thank you so much.
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First place you wanna go
is the Blue Machete Cafe.
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You'll love it, Major.
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Around post-op
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to the nurses' quarters,
past the mess tent.
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Pass the mess tent,
not through the mess tent.
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-Ready?
-Ready.
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-Ready.
-Go!
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Keep your knees up!
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00:03:40,045 --> 00:03:42,483
How can a guy
eat that much?
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00:03:42,526 --> 00:03:44,311
He should be transferred
to the nearest famine.
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00:03:44,354 --> 00:03:46,095
You know we're
wasting our time here?
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00:03:46,138 --> 00:03:47,879
We could be in Helsinki
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training track stars
and chasing Viking women.
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00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:52,971
Hmm. Speaking of which,
Father Mulcahy gave me
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great odds on Zatopek
in the marathon.
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00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:57,280
You bet on Zatopek?
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00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:59,804
Of course. He's already
won two long races.
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00:03:59,848 --> 00:04:02,285
That's what I mean.
He's all tired out.
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00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:03,808
Now he's
gotta run a marathon.
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00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:05,723
40 miles and no restrooms.
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00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:07,899
Ha! Hawkeye, what you
know about sports
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00:04:07,943 --> 00:04:09,466
would fit on the tip
of a javelin.
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00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:11,120
Oh, yeah? What makes you
such an expert?
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00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:12,774
My two varsity letters.
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00:04:12,817 --> 00:04:15,690
Ha ha ha! Two letters
and a scholarship.
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00:04:17,126 --> 00:04:18,997
You? An athletic scholarship?
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00:04:19,041 --> 00:04:20,999
That's right. The coach's
daughter paid me
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to leave her alone.
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[panting]
Can't go no more.
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00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:26,875
You're doin' great,
champ. Lookin' good.
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00:04:26,918 --> 00:04:27,963
Thank you, sir.
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00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:33,316
You know, we're making
tremendous progress here.
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00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,579
Colonel, I'd like
to speak to you.
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00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:37,581
Whew! Klinger,
what is that?
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00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:40,541
A pungent yet satisfying
delicacy of my native land.
100
00:04:40,584 --> 00:04:41,803
You want a hunk?
101
00:04:41,846 --> 00:04:43,805
Eh! Right shoulder arms
with that.
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00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:49,289
All right, whistle beak.
Lay it out for me, extra quick.
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00:04:49,332 --> 00:04:51,900
60 more pounds,
and I'm homeward bound.
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00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:53,336
You're gonna eat
your way to a discharge.
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00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:54,903
I call it
food for freedom.
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00:04:54,946 --> 00:04:56,339
I call it suicide by salami.
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00:04:56,383 --> 00:04:58,210
I'll take my chances.
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00:04:58,254 --> 00:05:00,909
Okay. When you can't get
through that door, come see me.
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00:05:00,952 --> 00:05:02,737
I'll be wearing a size 30.
110
00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:04,478
Colonel, an ambulance has
turned over in the compound.
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00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:06,610
-You better come
on the double.
-Anybody hurt?
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00:05:06,654 --> 00:05:08,569
The driver was a bit shaken up,
but he'll be all right.
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-No one else inside?
-No.
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00:05:10,092 --> 00:05:12,050
-Thank God.
-I already did.
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All right, buffalo breath.
Let's move.
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00:05:13,617 --> 00:05:15,315
Keep that thing down wind.
117
00:05:18,274 --> 00:05:20,363
Oh, boy. When are these
drivers gonna learn
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00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:21,843
this isn't the Indy 500?
119
00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:24,149
Well, it looks like we got
enough bodies here.
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00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:25,716
Let's get this horse
on his feet.
121
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,589
Sir! Can I go slip into
something more comfortable?
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00:05:28,632 --> 00:05:31,896
Move one step, and you'll
need that salami for a cane.
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00:05:31,940 --> 00:05:33,724
Go ahead, Margaret.
You push. I'll grunt.
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Wimp!
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00:05:34,943 --> 00:05:36,423
On the count of 3,
we heave.
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00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:37,815
I may heave on 2.
127
00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:39,904
Pierce, there's
a space over here.
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00:05:39,948 --> 00:05:41,689
What's wrong with you,
sad sack?
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00:05:41,732 --> 00:05:44,822
Oh, well, Colonel,
it's, uh, my hands.
130
00:05:44,866 --> 00:05:47,782
Um, I can't afford to,
uh, catch them on anything.
131
00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:50,393
Get in there before we
use you as a crowbar.
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00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:52,526
MULCAHY: I'll get over
here by the cross.
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00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:54,832
POTTER:
Okay, let's go.
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Uno, dos, tres,heave!
135
00:05:57,008 --> 00:05:59,620
[all groaning]
136
00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:02,710
All right. This time,
let's mean it. Ready?
137
00:06:02,753 --> 00:06:05,408
-Heave!
-[groaning]
138
00:06:05,452 --> 00:06:07,279
Klinger, your heart
isn't in this.
139
00:06:07,323 --> 00:06:09,194
No, but his breath sure is.
140
00:06:09,238 --> 00:06:11,066
-Wait till I catch
my second wind, sir.
-Oh, please.
141
00:06:11,109 --> 00:06:13,416
My hamstrings are playing
"I Surrender, Dear."
142
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:14,939
We've got enough people here.
143
00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:16,593
We should be able to toss
this wagon around
144
00:06:16,637 --> 00:06:17,681
like a volleyball.
145
00:06:17,725 --> 00:06:19,422
Colonel, it's too heavy.
146
00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:22,773
Cow cookies! This group
is limp as a noodle.
147
00:06:22,817 --> 00:06:24,384
Your wonton is wilted.
148
00:06:30,825 --> 00:06:32,261
Need some help, Colonel?
149
00:06:32,304 --> 00:06:34,959
Sure do. We just ran out
of muscle. Join the party.
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00:06:35,003 --> 00:06:36,352
Just over
at Rosie's bar.
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00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,223
We heard you had
some trouble.
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00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:39,790
Uh, you folks can stand aside.
We'll handle this.
153
00:06:39,834 --> 00:06:41,444
Just the four of you?
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00:06:41,488 --> 00:06:44,055
Well, actually, it's,
um, more than we need.
155
00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:48,799
Sure you don't
wanna warm up?
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00:06:48,843 --> 00:06:50,061
Maybe
flip over a jeep?
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00:06:58,505 --> 00:06:59,897
Too heavy, huh?
158
00:06:59,941 --> 00:07:01,072
It's all done
with mirrors.
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00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:03,901
POTTER:
Thanks, boys.
160
00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:06,426
Next time, call us.
Don't hurt yourselves.
161
00:07:06,469 --> 00:07:08,166
Why don't we go
to the mess tent?
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00:07:08,210 --> 00:07:09,907
-They're serving humble pie.
-[Margaret laughs]
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00:07:09,951 --> 00:07:11,648
POTTER: Hold it.
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00:07:11,692 --> 00:07:13,650
We're not finished yet.
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00:07:13,694 --> 00:07:16,174
You people
are in sorry shape.
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00:07:16,218 --> 00:07:17,524
This is a mobile hospital.
167
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:18,916
If we ever have
to bug out,
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00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,527
you won't be able
to lift a tent pole.
169
00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:22,572
I'm a surgeon. I'm not
a circus roustabout.
170
00:07:22,616 --> 00:07:23,791
You're a clown.
171
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:25,183
-You're a buffoon.
-Bozo.
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00:07:25,227 --> 00:07:28,099
Bottle it. Starting
tomorrow at 0700,
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00:07:28,143 --> 00:07:30,928
all personnel will fall out
for daily calisthenics.
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00:07:30,972 --> 00:07:32,713
-Oh, Colonel!
-Oh, no!
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00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:35,237
Pierce and Hunnicutt,
you're doing it for Ames.
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00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,021
You can do it for everybody.
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00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:40,503
You've just picked up a whole
new bunch of volunteers.
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00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:41,939
Dismissed.
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00:07:41,983 --> 00:07:43,201
Stupid M.P.s.
Five or six more tries,
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we would've had it.
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-Hut, two, three, four.
-One.
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00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:49,469
-Hut, two, three, four.
-Two.
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00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:51,122
Hut, two-- Hold--
184
00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:52,515
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
185
00:07:52,559 --> 00:07:55,213
-You in the woodwind section.
-Brass.
186
00:07:55,257 --> 00:07:57,041
Why aren't you
playing toe touchies?
187
00:07:57,085 --> 00:08:00,305
Gentlemen, we're all just
fooling ourselves here.
188
00:08:00,349 --> 00:08:01,785
Isn't that what
the army's all about?
189
00:08:01,829 --> 00:08:05,528
Morning exercise
is futile at best.
190
00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:07,008
When one arises,
191
00:08:07,051 --> 00:08:09,489
the body is more subject
to postural hypotension.
192
00:08:09,532 --> 00:08:12,448
-You tell 'em, Doc!
-[muttering]
193
00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:15,538
Blood flows away
from the brain,
194
00:08:15,582 --> 00:08:17,888
and blacking out becomes
a distinct possibility.
195
00:08:17,932 --> 00:08:19,629
Well, what it all boils
down to, gentlemen,
196
00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:22,458
is that you're not getting
one toe touchie out of me.
197
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,068
-KLINGER: I second that!
-[murmuring]
198
00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:26,636
Uh, Charles, could we have
a word with you, please?
199
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,159
Briefly.
200
00:08:33,164 --> 00:08:35,515
See, we'd like to get
this over with,
201
00:08:35,558 --> 00:08:37,517
so we'd kind of like
your cooperation.
202
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,127
[chuckling]
203
00:08:39,170 --> 00:08:40,520
And if we don't get it,
204
00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:41,825
we're gonna
wash our dirty socks
205
00:08:41,869 --> 00:08:43,348
in your Chateauneuf du Pape.
206
00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:44,828
You wouldn't!
207
00:08:44,872 --> 00:08:47,483
And rinse them
in your Earl Gray Tea.
208
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,311
You would.
209
00:08:52,314 --> 00:08:53,837
On the other hand,
210
00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:55,926
circulatory stress does aid
211
00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:58,146
in the prevention
of arterial sclerosis,
212
00:08:58,189 --> 00:08:59,974
and I'm certainly
all for that.
213
00:09:00,017 --> 00:09:02,063
-[all groaning]
-So hands on hips, please.
214
00:09:02,106 --> 00:09:03,891
B.J.: Mm-hmm. Let's try
some jumping jacks.
215
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:05,327
Ah!
216
00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:06,633
For those of you who are
eating breakfast,
217
00:09:06,676 --> 00:09:08,243
leave out
the jumping part.
218
00:09:08,286 --> 00:09:10,854
Ready? Begin.
One, two--
219
00:09:10,898 --> 00:09:12,421
Before I strain anything,
220
00:09:12,464 --> 00:09:13,770
before Donald gets here,
221
00:09:13,814 --> 00:09:15,555
I'll kill Colonel Potter.
222
00:09:15,598 --> 00:09:17,861
One, two, one, two.
223
00:09:17,905 --> 00:09:19,080
[groaning]
224
00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:20,908
Was it something
I said?
225
00:09:20,951 --> 00:09:22,300
POTTER [on P.A.]:
Ten hut, all you mopes.
226
00:09:22,344 --> 00:09:24,259
This is your C.O.,
227
00:09:24,302 --> 00:09:26,478
the guy who set up
this little wingding.
Remember me?
228
00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:28,393
Couldn't help but
notice that some of you
229
00:09:28,437 --> 00:09:30,221
are less than delighted
with the program.
230
00:09:30,265 --> 00:09:32,093
Well, we're gonna
straighten that out.
231
00:09:32,136 --> 00:09:34,182
Those of you who still
have the energy
232
00:09:34,225 --> 00:09:36,576
will report to
the mess tent right now.
233
00:09:36,619 --> 00:09:38,360
Those of you who don't
have the energy
234
00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:40,405
will report
three minutes earlier.
235
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,235
Same to you.
236
00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:49,676
Sir, do anything,
but don't yell.
237
00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:50,720
Quiet!
238
00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:54,158
When I give an order,
239
00:09:54,202 --> 00:09:56,291
I expect it to be carried out.
240
00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:59,642
This camp will exercise,
and it will get in shape.
241
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:02,732
You can bet your
chubby cabooses on that.
242
00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:04,647
However, I do realize
243
00:10:04,691 --> 00:10:06,780
that standing in line
flapping your wings
244
00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:08,042
can get a little boring.
245
00:10:08,085 --> 00:10:09,565
From the first flap.
246
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:13,830
So, in my usual,
quiet, effective way,
247
00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:16,833
I've come up with a little plan
to alleviate that problem.
248
00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:19,836
We've all been following
the Olympics pretty closely.
249
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,316
We'd all like to be there.
250
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:22,752
Or anywhere else,
for that matter.
251
00:10:22,796 --> 00:10:25,320
But since we can't,
252
00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:26,843
we're going to hold our own
little Olympics right here.
253
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:28,366
Give 'em Helsinki,
Colonel.
254
00:10:28,410 --> 00:10:30,107
We'll divide up
into two teams,
255
00:10:30,151 --> 00:10:31,935
come up with our own events,
256
00:10:31,979 --> 00:10:34,546
and compete
against each other.
257
00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:37,506
Brilliant, huh? Hmm?
258
00:10:37,549 --> 00:10:40,770
Brilliant, Colonel,
but not too well received.
259
00:10:40,814 --> 00:10:43,599
I just know I'm not gonna have
anything left for Donald.
260
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:46,950
Oh, did I forget to mention
the little incentive?
261
00:10:46,994 --> 00:10:48,691
Each member
of the winning team
262
00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:52,390
-gets three days' R&R.
-[all exclaiming]
263
00:10:52,434 --> 00:10:56,786
-I for one will give 150%!
-Always helps to sweeten
the pot.
264
00:10:56,830 --> 00:11:00,660
Pierce, Hunnicut,
you mind going up against
each other as team captains?
265
00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:02,270
What do you say, powder puff?
266
00:11:02,313 --> 00:11:04,315
Well, it'll prove who's
the fairest in the land.
267
00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:05,969
Where do Well, pick up
our whistles, Colonel?
268
00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:08,885
Good. The three of us will
meet later in my office,
269
00:11:08,929 --> 00:11:10,495
go over the ground rules.
270
00:11:10,539 --> 00:11:12,802
The games start tomorrow
at 0800.
271
00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:15,718
And may the best team win.
272
00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:18,286
Actually,
it's better team, Colonel.
273
00:11:18,329 --> 00:11:21,158
Dismissed!
274
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:22,812
Next to a good mass,
275
00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:25,162
there's nothing more stirring
than the Olympics.
276
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:28,122
Oh, yes, the Olympics.
where every four years,
277
00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:31,560
people from all nations
gather together to sweat.
278
00:11:31,603 --> 00:11:32,735
You're in for a beating.
279
00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:34,041
-Wanna bet?
-Money?
280
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:35,782
What's money?
I want respect.
281
00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:37,958
-What do you got in mind?
-Nothing fancy.
282
00:11:38,001 --> 00:11:40,569
I'd like to sit on a throne
and have you cower at my feet.
283
00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:42,658
I'm a little short of thrones.
How about a wheelchair?
284
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,748
Okay. The loser has
to push the winner
around in a wheelchair.
285
00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:47,271
-For a week.
-Shake.
286
00:11:47,315 --> 00:11:49,099
If you can stand my grip.
287
00:11:49,143 --> 00:11:50,535
Let the games begin.
288
00:11:50,579 --> 00:11:52,537
-[chuckles]
-Don't do that!
289
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:57,717
♪♪ [marching band]
290
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:01,111
ANNOUNCER: The mast
colors of 67 countries
291
00:12:01,155 --> 00:12:02,722
and their legions of athletes
292
00:12:02,765 --> 00:12:05,072
stand as symbolic pigeons
are released
293
00:12:05,115 --> 00:12:07,552
awaiting the arrival of
the sun-kindled Olympic flame.
294
00:12:07,596 --> 00:12:10,077
The legendary Paavo Nurmi
is anchorman
295
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,296
in the historic relay
from Greece to Finland,
296
00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:15,473
receiving an ovation as he
lights the stadium torch.
297
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,436
♪♪ [ends]
298
00:12:21,479 --> 00:12:23,525
[all groaning]
299
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:31,751
[cheering]
300
00:12:41,499 --> 00:12:42,587
Water!
301
00:12:42,631 --> 00:12:43,893
Water to put it out!
302
00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:45,286
Somebody get some water!
303
00:12:45,329 --> 00:12:47,288
Now the start
of the marathon,
304
00:12:47,331 --> 00:12:49,116
which is to see a great
runner in action--
305
00:12:49,159 --> 00:12:51,596
Emil Zatopek
of Czechoslovakia.
306
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,337
Number 903 is Zatopek.
307
00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:54,861
These distance demons
308
00:12:54,904 --> 00:12:56,601
are challenging
the marathon course
309
00:12:56,645 --> 00:13:00,170
which stretches over
26 miles, 385 yards.
310
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:01,824
The struggle is
too much for some,
311
00:13:01,868 --> 00:13:04,522
as exhaustion
takes its toll,
312
00:13:04,566 --> 00:13:07,569
but the remarkable Zatopek
runs the classic marathon
313
00:13:07,612 --> 00:13:09,658
in two hours, 23 minutes,
three and 2/10 seconds,
314
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:11,051
for a new Olympic record.
315
00:13:11,094 --> 00:13:12,661
♪♪
316
00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:18,493
Take your positions
for the crutch race.
317
00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:21,757
Fifty of the most grueling
yards you'll ever see.
318
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,454
It takes stamina, balance,
319
00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:26,283
a good sense of direction,
and strong armpits.
320
00:13:26,327 --> 00:13:28,938
No starts till you hear
the sound of the gun.
321
00:13:28,982 --> 00:13:30,853
I want a good, clean race.
322
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:32,768
I know how sneaky
you people are,
323
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,770
so I'll be watching carefully.
324
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:38,948
Remember, no jabbing,
tripping, or blocking.
325
00:13:38,992 --> 00:13:40,645
Well, there goes
our game plan.
326
00:13:40,689 --> 00:13:42,909
If God had intended man
to be in a crutch race,
327
00:13:42,952 --> 00:13:44,867
He would have given him
two broken legs.
328
00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:47,304
Just stay out of my way,
lard hips.
329
00:13:47,348 --> 00:13:51,831
On your crutches. Get set.
330
00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:54,094
♪♪
331
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:02,406
-MULCAHEY: Go yellow!
-Oof!
332
00:14:07,716 --> 00:14:09,718
-Aah!
-Ames, I'm getting up.
333
00:14:09,761 --> 00:14:11,633
You did that deliberately!
334
00:14:11,676 --> 00:14:14,070
If you can't jump over
a crutch, you're no athlete!
335
00:14:14,114 --> 00:14:16,551
-Now I'm mad!
-Ooh!
336
00:14:16,594 --> 00:14:18,074
[laughing]
337
00:14:19,162 --> 00:14:21,295
You! You!
338
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:28,171
[cheering]
339
00:14:28,215 --> 00:14:31,566
I won! I won, I won, I won!
340
00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:32,872
I won, I won--
341
00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,003
In the pole vault,
342
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:35,483
Don Laz of the United States
343
00:14:35,526 --> 00:14:36,876
charges toward the bar,
344
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,660
up and over,
to capture second.
345
00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:43,099
Here's the Reverend
Bob Richards,
346
00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:44,884
mainstay of the United
States pole vaulting entry,
347
00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:46,929
in a study of
his winning jump.
348
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:51,803
Without the pole, he still
jumps, this time for joy.
349
00:14:51,847 --> 00:14:53,588
All right, all right.
I know.
350
00:14:53,631 --> 00:14:55,242
I know we've lost
the last two events,
351
00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:56,983
but that's only
a temporary setback.
352
00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:58,549
I have every reason
to believe
353
00:14:58,593 --> 00:15:00,377
we're gonna go out there
and win this thing!
354
00:15:00,421 --> 00:15:02,249
All right.
I'm with you, Captain.
355
00:15:02,292 --> 00:15:04,033
Margaret, you wanted
to say a few words?
356
00:15:04,077 --> 00:15:05,905
Yes, thank you, Captain.
357
00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:09,604
You people stink!
358
00:15:09,647 --> 00:15:12,737
You're slow! You're lazy!
You have no spirit!
359
00:15:12,781 --> 00:15:16,480
Do B.J. and I have to carry
this whole crummy team?
360
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:19,048
Now I want you to get
out there and fight!
361
00:15:19,092 --> 00:15:22,008
Fight, fight, fight!
Let's take it to them!
362
00:15:22,051 --> 00:15:24,793
Let's cut out their hearts!
Let's win!
363
00:15:27,578 --> 00:15:29,493
Thank you, Captain.
364
00:15:29,537 --> 00:15:32,105
65,000 Olympic Games observers
365
00:15:32,148 --> 00:15:34,455
at Helsinki are treated
to new athletic thrills
366
00:15:34,498 --> 00:15:36,239
as the watch the running
of the exciting
367
00:15:36,283 --> 00:15:38,546
3,000-meter steeplechase.
368
00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:40,504
This grueling event,
369
00:15:40,548 --> 00:15:42,898
the equivalent of one
and 8/10ths miles,
370
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:46,075
puts a premium on alertness
as well as versatility
and skill.
371
00:15:46,119 --> 00:15:49,774
America's Horace Ashenfelter
and Russia's Vladimir Kazantsev
372
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:52,125
are neck and neck
in a pulsating duel,
373
00:15:52,168 --> 00:15:54,779
and Ashenfelter overcomes
the final hurdle to pull away.
374
00:15:54,823 --> 00:15:57,739
F.B.I. man Horace Ashenfelter
hits the tape first
375
00:15:57,782 --> 00:16:00,133
in the fastest 3,000-meter
steeplechase ever run--
376
00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:02,483
8.45 and 4/10ths seconds.
377
00:16:02,526 --> 00:16:04,702
POTTER: The object is
to stay up in the saddle.
378
00:16:04,746 --> 00:16:07,401
-KLINGER: Uh-huh.
-It's not far, only 50 yards,
379
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:09,881
but it's tough when
you're bouncing around.
380
00:16:09,925 --> 00:16:12,014
Now, you ladies
will ride like this.
381
00:16:12,058 --> 00:16:14,060
[women laugh]
382
00:16:14,103 --> 00:16:17,541
Select your partners.
Post time in five minutes.
383
00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:19,717
-MAN: Okay.
-Take it down easy, Dobbin.
384
00:16:19,761 --> 00:16:21,632
Hey, you're lookin' thinner.
385
00:16:21,676 --> 00:16:24,418
Lieutenant Colonel!
Darling!
386
00:16:26,942 --> 00:16:31,903
Colonel!
[laughing] Whoo!
387
00:16:31,947 --> 00:16:34,080
Hi, honey.
Pull her into the garage.
388
00:16:34,123 --> 00:16:35,820
Dinner's on the table.
Have a nice day at the war?
389
00:16:35,864 --> 00:16:38,171
[squealing]
Look who's here!
390
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:42,001
-Colonel Potter.
-Colonel, how are you?
391
00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:43,480
How you doin'?
Good to see you all again.
392
00:16:43,524 --> 00:16:45,004
Slice of heaven
for us too.
393
00:16:45,047 --> 00:16:46,875
So this is Lieutenant
Colonel Penobscott.
394
00:16:46,918 --> 00:16:50,835
Oh, yes! Oh, you two
haven't met yet.
395
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:53,055
Donald Penobscott,
meet Daddy Warbucks.
396
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:54,317
This is our new surgeon--
397
00:16:54,361 --> 00:16:56,450
Major Charles
Emerson Winchester.
398
00:16:56,493 --> 00:16:57,668
Pleasure to meet you,
Charlie.
399
00:16:57,712 --> 00:17:00,845
I've heard a lot
about you, Donny.
400
00:17:00,889 --> 00:17:02,717
Penobscott,
you're just in time
401
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:06,199
to catch the last two events
of our gala 4077th Olympics.
402
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:07,852
So far, your little
missus there
403
00:17:07,896 --> 00:17:10,072
has been quite a standout.
404
00:17:10,116 --> 00:17:11,769
-[laughing]
-What's this? What's this?
405
00:17:11,813 --> 00:17:13,119
Oh, Donald,
we can't leave yet
406
00:17:13,162 --> 00:17:14,598
because if
our team wins,
407
00:17:14,642 --> 00:17:16,252
we get three extra
days of R&R.
408
00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:17,645
-Three extra days?
-Yes.
409
00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:19,777
We could even get
out of the hotel.
410
00:17:19,821 --> 00:17:21,605
Yes. Ha ha.
411
00:17:21,649 --> 00:17:23,868
We can discuss
the itinerary later.
412
00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:26,132
Okay. Let's get
this show on the road.
413
00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:27,872
You're my strength, Donald.
414
00:17:27,916 --> 00:17:30,440
-Give 'em hell, army.
-Raah!
415
00:17:30,484 --> 00:17:32,747
Grrr!
416
00:17:34,009 --> 00:17:36,098
Nurses,
take your stations.
417
00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:38,405
Come on, Klinger.
You gotta carry me.
418
00:17:38,448 --> 00:17:40,233
I can't make it, Major.
419
00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:42,365
If they told me
I was going home today,
420
00:17:42,409 --> 00:17:43,845
I couldn't lift my bag.
421
00:17:43,888 --> 00:17:45,238
All right. Get up.
I'll carry you.
422
00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:46,630
-Oh, no!
-I can do it.
423
00:17:46,674 --> 00:17:47,936
-Come on. I'll help you.
-[moaning]
424
00:17:47,979 --> 00:17:49,416
It's the salami,
isn't it, son?
425
00:17:49,459 --> 00:17:51,287
All ten of them, sir.
426
00:17:51,331 --> 00:17:52,984
Dismissed.
427
00:17:53,028 --> 00:17:54,943
Oh, thank you, sir, from
the bottom of my belly.
428
00:17:54,986 --> 00:17:56,684
What am I supposed to do?
429
00:17:56,727 --> 00:17:58,729
I guess you'll just
have to sit this one out.
430
00:17:58,773 --> 00:18:01,558
-Captain Pink!
-Uh, oh, Colonel?
431
00:18:02,907 --> 00:18:04,126
There's a little boy
over there
432
00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:05,214
who looks like
he wants to play.
433
00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:07,695
Of course! Donald!
434
00:18:07,738 --> 00:18:11,351
Colonel Penobscott,
I need your broad shoulders.
435
00:18:11,394 --> 00:18:15,355
Stop! Hold it, time out,
and just a doggone second!
436
00:18:15,398 --> 00:18:17,618
Darling, you're
gonna be my partner
in the nurse carry.
437
00:18:17,661 --> 00:18:18,836
-I am?
-Yes!
438
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,317
Colonel, this is
the 4077th Olympics.
439
00:18:21,361 --> 00:18:23,754
Gorgeous George is just
an out-of-town relative.
440
00:18:23,798 --> 00:18:25,365
Objection sustained.
441
00:18:25,408 --> 00:18:27,280
The purpose of this is
to build up our own people.
442
00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:29,064
Thank you, Your Honor.
There'll be a little
something
443
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:32,023
-for you in your chambers later.
-Colonel, that's not fair!
444
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:34,330
DONALD: No, dear,
the Colonel's right.
These are your games.
445
00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:36,506
And anyway, with my
athletic ability,
446
00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:38,029
Pierce's side
wouldn't stand a chance.
447
00:18:38,073 --> 00:18:41,685
What-- Wait a second.
Now wait a minute.
448
00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:43,861
What do you mean,
wouldn't stand a chance?
449
00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:45,820
Well, I didn't mean it
exactly like that.
450
00:18:45,863 --> 00:18:47,822
I'm sure it would be,
uh, competitive.
451
00:18:47,865 --> 00:18:49,040
You bet your brass.
452
00:18:49,084 --> 00:18:50,346
Of course, a guy
who was All-American
453
00:18:50,390 --> 00:18:52,305
in track and wrestling
at West Point
454
00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:54,611
doesn't often lose
to a bunch of army doctors.
455
00:18:54,655 --> 00:18:56,396
Just a second, jocko!
456
00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:00,748
Would you like to put your
muscle where your mouth is?
457
00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:02,837
As a matter of fact,
I'd really like that.
458
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,839
-Pick up your wife, cadet.
-Ha ha!
459
00:19:04,882 --> 00:19:06,449
Well, I guess
you're in it, Colonel.
460
00:19:06,493 --> 00:19:08,538
-Ha ha ha!
-Everyone up and at 'em.
461
00:19:08,582 --> 00:19:10,192
-Here we go!
-Whoop!
462
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:11,541
MARGARET: Whaah!
463
00:19:11,585 --> 00:19:14,065
POTTER:
Ready? Get set.
464
00:19:14,109 --> 00:19:15,154
[grunting]
465
00:19:16,764 --> 00:19:17,765
♪♪
466
00:19:17,808 --> 00:19:19,288
[shouting, whooping]
467
00:19:30,778 --> 00:19:32,562
Back up! Back up!
468
00:19:41,223 --> 00:19:45,009
Mae Faggs, Barbara Jones,
Janet Moreau,
and Catherine Hardy
469
00:19:45,053 --> 00:19:47,795
race Uncle Sam to victory
in 45 and 9/10ths seconds--
470
00:19:47,838 --> 00:19:49,710
a new world
and Olympic record.
471
00:19:49,753 --> 00:19:51,973
Great goin', gals.
We're proud of you all.
472
00:19:52,016 --> 00:19:55,237
All right. Here's how
we're gonna break this tie.
473
00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:58,240
We will chose one name
from each team at random,
474
00:19:58,284 --> 00:20:02,070
and those two will run
the dreaded obstacle course.
475
00:20:02,113 --> 00:20:05,247
And the lucky
participants are...
476
00:20:05,291 --> 00:20:07,206
For the Pink Elephants,
477
00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:09,556
Lieutenant Colonel
Penobscott.
478
00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:12,341
[cheering]
479
00:20:12,385 --> 00:20:14,387
And for the Yellow
Blackbirds...
480
00:20:15,823 --> 00:20:16,867
Sergeant Ames.
481
00:20:16,911 --> 00:20:18,304
[laughter]
482
00:20:18,347 --> 00:20:20,001
Bye-bye, Blackbird.
483
00:20:20,044 --> 00:20:23,744
Boy, you are gonna
lose so big! Ha ha!
484
00:20:26,964 --> 00:20:28,531
POTTER:
The dreaded obstacle course.
485
00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:30,881
First man to make it
through alive wins.
486
00:20:30,925 --> 00:20:33,841
Take it easy on those tires.
We need 'em for the jeeps.
487
00:20:33,884 --> 00:20:35,886
Don't worry about him.
Those muscles are rented.
488
00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:43,372
For all the marbles.
On your mark, get set...
489
00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:46,723
-[pistol fires]
-[cheering]
490
00:21:02,304 --> 00:21:03,610
Go, baby!
491
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:06,743
Keep going, you big turkey!
492
00:21:19,669 --> 00:21:23,934
Go! Go! Keep moving!
[shouting]
493
00:21:31,246 --> 00:21:33,161
-Hey, Colonel!
-Save your breath!
494
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,613
Margaret, we still have
seven whole days.
495
00:21:50,657 --> 00:21:54,269
If you hadn't been showing off,
we could've had 10 whole days!
496
00:21:54,313 --> 00:21:55,792
You can't go on
like this
497
00:21:55,836 --> 00:21:58,055
just because I lost
a doggone race.
498
00:21:58,099 --> 00:21:59,666
A race? A race?
That wasn't just a race!
499
00:21:59,709 --> 00:22:02,146
That was the Olympics!
500
00:22:02,190 --> 00:22:04,671
All right! Fine!
Stay here with the winner.
501
00:22:04,714 --> 00:22:05,715
I'm goin' to Manila.
502
00:22:05,759 --> 00:22:07,587
[engine stalling]
503
00:22:12,243 --> 00:22:13,332
What are you doin'?
504
00:22:14,724 --> 00:22:16,335
-What are you doin'?
-Just move over!
505
00:22:18,859 --> 00:22:21,296
If we're gonna go,
we might as well get there.
506
00:22:21,340 --> 00:22:22,819
Come on, Margaret.
It's only a race.
507
00:22:25,605 --> 00:22:29,478
At the 1952 Olympics end,
the U.S.A. rules the sports
realm.
508
00:22:29,522 --> 00:22:32,133
The Olympic flame will burn
again four years hence
509
00:22:32,176 --> 00:22:34,004
when, with God's help,
the nations of the world
510
00:22:34,048 --> 00:22:38,052
will compete again on the
peaceful field of sports.
511
00:22:38,095 --> 00:22:41,229
-Great to be in shape,
huh, Father?
-Oh, never felt better.
512
00:22:44,058 --> 00:22:45,842
[Mulcahy groaning]
513
00:22:55,461 --> 00:22:57,158
Wheel me up to
the chopper pad, Hives.
514
00:22:57,201 --> 00:22:58,638
I want to look down
upon my kingdom.
515
00:22:58,681 --> 00:23:00,204
I'm so happy you're
not taking advantage.
516
00:23:00,248 --> 00:23:01,815
You're lucky I don't
want to go to Seoul.
517
00:23:01,858 --> 00:23:04,513
Hawkeye! B.J.!
We did it!
518
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,387
They just weighed me, and I
made it by three whole ounces.
519
00:23:08,430 --> 00:23:10,214
That's a load off my mind.
520
00:23:10,258 --> 00:23:11,999
You're back in the army.
My condolences.
521
00:23:12,042 --> 00:23:13,609
I owe it all to you two.
522
00:23:13,653 --> 00:23:15,176
Don't blame us.
You did all the work.
523
00:23:15,219 --> 00:23:17,178
Here, you deserve this
more than I do, Ames.
524
00:23:17,221 --> 00:23:18,745
-Have a seat.
-No, no. Sit down.
525
00:23:18,788 --> 00:23:20,181
Come on. I'm gonna
push ya. Come on.
526
00:23:20,224 --> 00:23:22,052
All right.
527
00:23:22,096 --> 00:23:23,793
Where to, Sergeant?
528
00:23:23,837 --> 00:23:25,273
Where else? The mess tent.
529
00:23:25,316 --> 00:23:26,666
We gotta celebrate.
530
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,070
♪♪ [theme]
39155
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