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1
00:00:01,740 --> 00:00:04,482
[theme music playing]
2
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Eight months is a long timeto be engaged, Major Houlihan.
3
00:00:59,842 --> 00:01:01,365
HAWKEYE:Pickups without teeth.
4
00:01:01,365 --> 00:01:03,933
It's hardly your
affair, Major Burns.
5
00:01:03,933 --> 00:01:06,675
An affair is an affairis an affair.
6
00:01:06,675 --> 00:01:07,763
Who wrote that, Hawk?
7
00:01:07,763 --> 00:01:09,460
Gertrude Steinto Alice B. Toklas
8
00:01:09,460 --> 00:01:11,636
on a piece ofbrown paper bag.
9
00:01:11,636 --> 00:01:13,377
I understand they
were very close.
10
00:01:13,377 --> 00:01:14,683
Oh, yes.
11
00:01:14,683 --> 00:01:16,163
They wrote together,traveled together,
12
00:01:16,163 --> 00:01:18,339
and gave each otherGerman haircuts.
13
00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:20,297
That's two piecesof shrapnel.
14
00:01:20,297 --> 00:01:21,559
Personally, I think
your Colonel Penobscott's
15
00:01:21,559 --> 00:01:23,605
full of banana oil.
16
00:01:23,605 --> 00:01:25,346
Not intending
to pry, Major,
17
00:01:25,346 --> 00:01:27,565
but has your wedding
date been set?
18
00:01:27,565 --> 00:01:29,001
Not yet, Father.
19
00:01:29,001 --> 00:01:31,047
No ring.
No wedding date.
20
00:01:31,047 --> 00:01:33,267
Uh, I think it's, uh,"Thanks for the buggy ride."
21
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:35,443
Burns, why don't you getoff Major Houlihan's back?
22
00:01:35,443 --> 00:01:37,271
More sponges.
23
00:01:37,271 --> 00:01:39,490
Oh, I'm sure
Major Houlihan's
Colonel is sincere.
24
00:01:39,490 --> 00:01:42,319
-Oh, for God's sake!-That's what I had in mind.
25
00:01:42,319 --> 00:01:44,278
Frank, do I heara little wave of jealousy
26
00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:46,367
-drifting through O.R.?
-Jealous?
27
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:48,282
How could I be jealous?
I'm a married man.
28
00:01:48,282 --> 00:01:50,588
-MAN: Hah!
-I heard that "Hah."
29
00:01:50,588 --> 00:01:53,156
Will someone please
change the subject?
30
00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:54,592
Why, did it wet itself?
31
00:01:54,592 --> 00:01:56,725
I read that
a Japanese businessman,
32
00:01:56,725 --> 00:01:58,814
while playing golf
in a rainstorm,
33
00:01:58,814 --> 00:02:00,337
was struck by
lightning in his zipper.
34
00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:02,165
Shocking.
35
00:02:02,165 --> 00:02:04,341
Medically speaking,
he had his zip zapped.
36
00:02:04,341 --> 00:02:06,691
-Was he all right?
-Oh, he's fine.
37
00:02:06,691 --> 00:02:08,084
Ever since his accident,
38
00:02:08,084 --> 00:02:10,217
he's been crazy about
"Stormy Weather."
39
00:02:10,217 --> 00:02:12,958
♪ Don't know why
40
00:02:12,958 --> 00:02:16,353
[all singing]
♪ There's no sun up
in the sky ♪
41
00:02:16,353 --> 00:02:19,356
♪ Stormy weather
42
00:02:19,356 --> 00:02:20,879
I-I think we're getting 'im.
43
00:02:20,879 --> 00:02:22,707
Uh, Colonel Penobscott?
44
00:02:22,707 --> 00:02:24,448
Uh, yes, sir.It's Major Houlihan calling.
45
00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:27,103
-Right. You got him.
-Donald? Donald?
46
00:02:27,103 --> 00:02:29,105
-Right, why don't you sit---Oh, no, I'm fine.
47
00:02:29,105 --> 00:02:30,672
I just wanted to
talk to you, darling.
48
00:02:30,672 --> 00:02:32,674
-You have it.-I know I could have written.
49
00:02:32,674 --> 00:02:34,371
Oh, it's so goodto hear your voice.
50
00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:35,894
Well, did you get
Mr. Hotsy Totsy
on the phone?
51
00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:37,548
This is personal.
Please leave.
52
00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:39,289
-I'm happen to be here
on business.
-Oh.
53
00:02:39,289 --> 00:02:40,638
Corporal, have you got
those papers I asked for?
54
00:02:40,638 --> 00:02:42,205
-Papers, sir?-I'll find them myself.
55
00:02:42,205 --> 00:02:43,815
-That's my monthly report!
-Uh, Donald--
56
00:02:43,815 --> 00:02:45,339
Donald, I've beentalking to a friend,
57
00:02:45,339 --> 00:02:47,863
and this friend suggests,and I agree--
58
00:02:47,863 --> 00:02:49,604
Time to get a few
things straightened out.
59
00:02:49,604 --> 00:02:51,562
That it's timeto get a few thingsstraightened out.
60
00:02:51,562 --> 00:02:53,651
-Time to set the date.-It's time to set the date.
61
00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:55,653
-No, well, I realizethat you're busy, dear.-Oh, sure he's busy...
62
00:02:55,653 --> 00:02:57,829
fraternizing with
bathhouse bimbos.
63
00:02:57,829 --> 00:03:00,049
-What's a bathhouse bimbo?-Start not listening,
for a change.
64
00:03:00,049 --> 00:03:01,485
-Do you hear me?
-Yes, sir.
I mean, no, sir!
65
00:03:01,485 --> 00:03:03,270
-Shut up!
-Right.
66
00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:04,793
Who is this friend?No, I don't mindtelling you that.
67
00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:06,751
-No names!
-Major Frank Burns.
68
00:03:06,751 --> 00:03:08,579
-Ooh!
-That's right. Yes.
69
00:03:08,579 --> 00:03:10,886
-You're scrunching my report. -ThatFrank Burns.
70
00:03:10,886 --> 00:03:13,758
-You're scrunching--
Sir, could you just--
-You will?
71
00:03:13,758 --> 00:03:15,978
Oh, Donald,that's wonderful!
72
00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:17,414
-Oh, could I just--
-I can hardly wait
to see you!
73
00:03:17,414 --> 00:03:19,199
-It took me a whole--
-Bye-bye!
74
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,766
-Frank, you did it!
You've done it!
-Did what?
75
00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:24,508
-Did what?
-He's coming here.He wants to talk to you.
76
00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:26,858
-What do you mean?
-He's coming here.He's on his way. Donald!
77
00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:28,251
-Here?
-Yes!
78
00:03:28,251 --> 00:03:29,296
-Penobscott's coming here?-Yes!
79
00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:31,036
-To MASH?
-Yes!
80
00:03:31,036 --> 00:03:33,430
He said he wantsto straighten thingsout once and for all.
81
00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:35,345
Ease up, please.
Look what you did.
82
00:03:35,345 --> 00:03:38,392
Sir, can I have
two weeks' furlough?
83
00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:41,612
-No.
-Oh, golly.
84
00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:44,224
-Klinger!-Pass off, Klinger.You're always hogging the ball.
85
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,704
-That's no way
to talk to a lady.
-It's a habit, guys.
86
00:03:46,704 --> 00:03:49,533
In Toledo, if you pass the ballto somebody, they sell it.
87
00:03:51,187 --> 00:03:52,928
-Let go, you crumb!
-[whistle blowing]
88
00:03:52,928 --> 00:03:55,974
-Oh, sorry, Father.-You fouled him, Colonel!
89
00:03:55,974 --> 00:03:58,716
Radar, you wanna reorganizethe entire filing system?
90
00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:02,067
-Jump ball!-Isn't it unusual for the refto change his call?
91
00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:03,808
Not if he's a corporal.
92
00:04:03,808 --> 00:04:06,115
Colonel, I believeyou're standing on my foot.
93
00:04:06,115 --> 00:04:08,900
-It's only a
friendly game, Father.
-[whistle blows]
94
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:11,729
KLINGER: Get it, B.J!
Get it! Get it!
95
00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:13,122
Over here! No!
96
00:04:13,122 --> 00:04:15,690
-Hey, that's two!
-[all cheering]
97
00:04:15,690 --> 00:04:19,259
[overlapping shouts]
98
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,391
-KLINGER: Colonel!-WOMAN: Over here, Colonel!
99
00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:26,091
KLINGER:Get it! Over here, Father!
100
00:04:26,091 --> 00:04:28,659
Get it, B.J.!
Over here! Over here!
101
00:04:28,659 --> 00:04:30,400
I'm on your side,
Colonel!
102
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,489
-[whistle blows]
-[overlapping shouts]
103
00:04:32,489 --> 00:04:33,882
-DONALD: Colonel Potter?-Yeah, what?
104
00:04:33,882 --> 00:04:35,927
Lt. Col. Penobscott, sir.
105
00:04:35,927 --> 00:04:38,147
-Ah!
-Ah!
106
00:04:38,147 --> 00:04:40,976
-Sherman Potter.
How do you do?
-A pleasure, sir.
107
00:04:40,976 --> 00:04:42,717
-Captain Hunnicutt.
-Hi.
108
00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:44,545
-Captain Pierce.
-Hello, how are you?
109
00:04:44,545 --> 00:04:46,590
-Lt. Peters.
-Lieutenant.
110
00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:47,939
-Father Mulcahy.
-Father.
111
00:04:47,939 --> 00:04:50,028
-Corporal Klinger.
-Corporal.
112
00:04:50,028 --> 00:04:56,557
-Corporal O'Reilly.
-Corporal.
113
00:04:56,557 --> 00:04:58,167
Lieutenant Colonel?
114
00:05:02,693 --> 00:05:04,042
Major.
115
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,397
Now there's
your regulation hug.
116
00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:15,184
Wow. They must really
like each other.
117
00:05:15,184 --> 00:05:17,317
-Then how come they
close their eyes?
-[chuckles]
118
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,408
Would you excuse us,Colonel, sir?
119
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:23,932
Of course,
of course.
120
00:05:23,932 --> 00:05:26,064
Gee, I'm so embarrassed.I threw him the ball.
121
00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:27,718
It was very
sportsmanlike.
122
00:05:30,112 --> 00:05:32,419
-Why don't we take a walk?-Okay.
123
00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:34,595
Not being one to gossip,
124
00:05:34,595 --> 00:05:36,684
but they seem like
a nice-looking couple.
125
00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:39,643
Strapping young man.Academy, you know.
126
00:05:39,643 --> 00:05:41,253
West Point or Arthur Murray?
127
00:05:41,253 --> 00:05:43,473
We gonna play ball anymore?I was getting hot.
128
00:05:43,473 --> 00:05:45,214
Klinger, there's too muchhuman drama unfolding.
129
00:05:45,214 --> 00:05:46,955
Jeez, I wonder what they're
saying to each other.
130
00:05:46,955 --> 00:05:48,783
She's saying,
"Donald, darling,
131
00:05:48,783 --> 00:05:50,437
I'm not getting any
younger, you know."
132
00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:52,264
And he's saying,
"Margaret, darling,
133
00:05:52,264 --> 00:05:53,701
"I couldn't love you more.
134
00:05:53,701 --> 00:05:55,137
"But I promised myself
not to marry
135
00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:57,008
until I made
brigadier general."
136
00:05:57,008 --> 00:05:58,227
"Let's not rushinto this thing
137
00:05:58,227 --> 00:06:00,098
like a couple ofcrazy army kids."
138
00:06:00,098 --> 00:06:01,796
"Oh, Donald, darling,
I don't care what
your rank is,
139
00:06:01,796 --> 00:06:04,451
as long as it's lieutenantcolonel or better."
140
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:06,366
"Kiss me, you fool."
141
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,019
Amazing.
How'd you know that?
142
00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:09,499
She was puckering.
143
00:06:09,499 --> 00:06:11,414
All right, knock off
the eavesdropping.
144
00:06:11,414 --> 00:06:13,677
Let's go over to the Mess
Tent for a cup of Joe.
145
00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:24,427
Come on, Radar, you'llonly irritate your glands.
146
00:06:26,429 --> 00:06:29,476
Ah, here they are,a handsome couple.
147
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:31,695
Klinger, why don'tyou get the Major andthe Colonel some coffee.
148
00:06:31,695 --> 00:06:34,132
-I'd be proud to.
-Oh, no, thanks.
Not now, Klinger.
149
00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:38,354
Lt. Col. Penobscott
has a little bomb to
drop on all of you.
150
00:06:38,354 --> 00:06:41,444
-How poetic.
-I haven't been
bombed in a week.
151
00:06:41,444 --> 00:06:43,751
I don't know howto say this, but, uh,
152
00:06:43,751 --> 00:06:45,666
Major Houlihan andI would like to get married
153
00:06:45,666 --> 00:06:47,581
as soon as possible.
154
00:06:47,581 --> 00:06:50,932
[all congratulating]
155
00:06:50,932 --> 00:06:52,237
Why don't we toastthe happy couple?
156
00:06:52,237 --> 00:06:53,891
They're too big
for our toaster.
157
00:06:53,891 --> 00:06:55,980
We'd like to expediteour marriage
158
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:58,069
because I'm due backin Tokyo in 48 hours.
159
00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,549
-Father Mulcahy.
-Present.
160
00:06:59,549 --> 00:07:00,898
Will you join us
in wedlock?
161
00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:02,900
Don't do it, Father.
Three's a crowd.
162
00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:05,381
I'd be honored
to marry you.
163
00:07:05,381 --> 00:07:08,428
-I'm gonna cry.
I know I'm gonna cry.
-Steady, soldier.
164
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,734
Colonel, uh,what's the procedure?
165
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:13,258
-Radar?
-Uh, there's
nothing to it, sir.
166
00:07:13,258 --> 00:07:15,435
All you need is permissionfrom your commanding officer
167
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,654
and Form 1027-A.
168
00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:19,569
Uh, then you need
your overseas nuptials
169
00:07:19,569 --> 00:07:23,486
in a combat zone
Form 1136.
170
00:07:23,486 --> 00:07:27,795
And then, uh, your embassyregistration Form L-1101.
171
00:07:27,795 --> 00:07:31,015
All typed up niceand neat in triplicate.
172
00:07:31,015 --> 00:07:33,888
-Don't forget the blood test.
-And then I marry you.
173
00:07:33,888 --> 00:07:36,760
-Father, do you do Methodist?-Piece of cake.
174
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,283
Oh, right, Klinger,we'll need a cake.
175
00:07:38,283 --> 00:07:40,285
-Radar, warm up those forms.-Yes, sir.
176
00:07:40,285 --> 00:07:41,417
Here, you're in
charge of that.
177
00:07:41,417 --> 00:07:42,636
My first command.
178
00:07:42,636 --> 00:07:44,855
-Morning, Major Burns.
-Morning.
179
00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:47,945
-Major Frank Burns?
-Yes, sir?
180
00:07:47,945 --> 00:07:49,730
No, sir.
181
00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,949
That's him.That's Frank Burns.
182
00:07:51,949 --> 00:07:54,256
You're the man
I wanna see.
183
00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:58,086
Hold it.
184
00:07:58,086 --> 00:07:59,957
-I wanna talk to you.
-Donald!
185
00:08:01,742 --> 00:08:03,526
Father, do you doPresbyterian funerals?
186
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:12,753
I'm innocent!
I never touched the girl!
187
00:08:12,753 --> 00:08:15,059
-I'm a happily married man!-Hold still, Major!
188
00:08:15,059 --> 00:08:16,452
I don't know what
anyone's told you,
189
00:08:16,452 --> 00:08:17,845
but all we did
was play chess,
190
00:08:17,845 --> 00:08:19,194
make chains out
of rubber bands.
191
00:08:19,194 --> 00:08:20,500
And last Christmas,
192
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,589
we made little
pussycat cookies.
193
00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:24,112
Major Burns, at ease!
194
00:08:26,157 --> 00:08:28,508
I'm trying to tell youhow grateful I am to you.
195
00:08:30,118 --> 00:08:32,120
-What?-It's your fault I'm here.
196
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,862
You inspired Margaret intoinsisting we get married.
197
00:08:34,862 --> 00:08:36,211
I'm indebted,
198
00:08:36,211 --> 00:08:38,779
and I'd like you
to be our best man.
199
00:08:40,998 --> 00:08:43,348
[laughing]
200
00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:47,222
Really?
201
00:08:49,050 --> 00:08:50,617
-Radar?
-Yes, sir.
202
00:08:50,617 --> 00:08:52,619
What's the latest poop
on the wedding?
203
00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:55,360
Uh, Captain Pierce and Hunnicuttwanna give Colonel Penobscotta smoker.
204
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,928
Good. Good. Did you tell themno horsing around
205
00:08:57,928 --> 00:09:00,061
in class "A" uniforms
at the wedding?
206
00:09:00,061 --> 00:09:02,542
Yes, sir. Captain Pierce sayshe's gonna be on his bestbehavior
207
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:05,545
-but he won't wear pants.-You tell him no pants,no champagne.
208
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:08,286
You gotta know how
to handle these guys.
What else?
209
00:09:08,286 --> 00:09:10,288
Cook baked a cake.
Chocolate frosting.
210
00:09:10,288 --> 00:09:14,031
-Mmm! Has anybody licked--Oh. Go on.
-I licked the spoon.
211
00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:16,686
Uh, all the nurses wantto give Major Houlihan a shower.
212
00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:19,733
Probably want her real cleanfor the wedding.
213
00:09:19,733 --> 00:09:21,735
-Just a joke.
-I know.
214
00:09:21,735 --> 00:09:23,737
This your firstmarriage ceremony, Radar?
215
00:09:23,737 --> 00:09:25,739
Oh, no, sir.I was at my Uncle Ernie's.
216
00:09:25,739 --> 00:09:28,089
-Fun?
-Oh, yeah.
They had potato salad
217
00:09:28,089 --> 00:09:30,352
and pecan pie, punch, turkey,
218
00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:32,397
Jell-O, tongue sandwichesand chopped liver.
219
00:09:32,397 --> 00:09:36,140
-Sounds wonderful.
-I threw up all over
the flower girl.
220
00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:38,403
-That'll be all.
-Yes, sir.
221
00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:46,455
-[laughing]
-Just some fruit juice
and poison.
222
00:09:46,455 --> 00:09:47,978
Oh, well, then it
can't possibly hurt.
223
00:09:47,978 --> 00:09:50,067
-Right. Cheers.
-ALL: Cheers!
224
00:09:51,329 --> 00:09:55,333
Oh! Oh!
Too much fruit juice.
225
00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:57,161
-Open your presents!
-Yeah, don't forget
your presents!
226
00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:59,860
Oh! How terrific!
227
00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:02,993
-Who's this from?
-That's from me.
228
00:10:02,993 --> 00:10:04,908
Hurry!
229
00:10:04,908 --> 00:10:06,214
Oh!
230
00:10:06,214 --> 00:10:07,911
[laughing]
Back scratcher.
231
00:10:07,911 --> 00:10:09,521
The Colonel
will love this.
232
00:10:09,521 --> 00:10:10,958
He's got a little
itch right there.
233
00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:12,960
WOMEN:
Ooh!
234
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,701
This way,
when I'm not around,
235
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:16,224
he won't need anybody
else to scratch it.
236
00:10:16,224 --> 00:10:17,878
-Thanks.
-Sorry I'm late.
237
00:10:17,878 --> 00:10:19,444
I had to iron
this dress.
238
00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:21,272
Klinger, this is
for ladies only.
239
00:10:21,272 --> 00:10:23,448
Oh, just a little something
for the bride-to-be.
240
00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:26,103
Oh, Klinger,
how sweet.
241
00:10:26,103 --> 00:10:27,888
In the words
of my people,
242
00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:29,367
"May your life
be an oasis
243
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:31,500
"surrounded by
waving palms,
244
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:34,068
"warm breezes,
and spit-free camels."
245
00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:35,678
How touching.
246
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:42,685
-It's gorgeous.
-Oh!
247
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:44,252
I always figured
if I had a daughter
248
00:10:44,252 --> 00:10:47,037
I'd want her to
wear that gown.
249
00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:50,650
My Uncle Zack used itto get out of World War I.
250
00:10:52,434 --> 00:10:53,696
Don't tear it.
251
00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:59,702
[men singing, indistinct]
252
00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:00,790
-To the groom.
-ALL: To the groom!
253
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:02,618
Hear, hear!
254
00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:05,534
-Gentlemen, gentlemen,may I say a word or two?-Shh!
255
00:11:05,534 --> 00:11:07,623
I would just like to
express my gratitude
256
00:11:07,623 --> 00:11:09,756
to all of you for
your camaraderie
257
00:11:09,756 --> 00:11:12,759
and generosity on this,the eve of my wedlock.
258
00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:16,066
Or hemlock,as the case may be.
259
00:11:16,066 --> 00:11:17,894
May your house be
filled with children
260
00:11:17,894 --> 00:11:20,723
and your garage
filled with camels.
261
00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:22,943
Camels!
262
00:11:22,943 --> 00:11:24,771
Are you aware theone with the big nose
263
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,163
is wearing earrings?
264
00:11:26,163 --> 00:11:27,599
You shouldn't be
looking around.
265
00:11:27,599 --> 00:11:29,427
You're getting
married tomorrow.
266
00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:32,474
Oh, you're right.I couldn't help notice.
267
00:11:32,474 --> 00:11:34,824
He's-he's a Gypsy.
268
00:11:34,824 --> 00:11:38,698
To Toledo,
the stuffed grape leaf
capital of the Midwest!
269
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,395
-To the Midwest!
-Grape leaves!
270
00:11:40,395 --> 00:11:42,745
May I have the attention
of everyone present?
271
00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:45,182
I recognize the drunk
from Indiana.
272
00:11:45,182 --> 00:11:47,184
[applause]
273
00:11:47,184 --> 00:11:49,578
-More!
-"Penobenscott."
274
00:11:49,578 --> 00:11:51,275
What makes you
think you deserve
275
00:11:51,275 --> 00:11:53,060
such a fine,
upstanding woman
276
00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:55,410
as Major Houli-han?
277
00:11:56,803 --> 00:11:59,501
-Colonel Potter?
-R-Radar?
278
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:03,766
-Your permission to
go out and get sick?
-G-Gr-Granted.
279
00:12:03,766 --> 00:12:05,855
Give him a hand.
Give him a hand.
280
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:08,031
[all clapping]
281
00:12:08,031 --> 00:12:12,296
-What'd he do?-"Menobscott," you haven'tanswered my question.
282
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:14,646
Burns, why don't
you join Radar?
283
00:12:14,646 --> 00:12:15,952
The upchuck twins.
284
00:12:15,952 --> 00:12:17,475
Sir, I'm speaking man to man,
285
00:12:17,475 --> 00:12:19,477
not officer to officer.
286
00:12:19,477 --> 00:12:22,306
Well, then g-geton w-with it.
287
00:12:22,306 --> 00:12:24,831
Well, what's
so hot about you?
288
00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:26,658
Well, in my class
at the academy,
289
00:12:26,658 --> 00:12:29,749
I was 396th out of 227.
290
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,707
I told youhe was no dummy!
291
00:12:31,707 --> 00:12:33,361
And at the Point,
water polo team,
292
00:12:33,361 --> 00:12:37,191
uh, hammer throw and"Greco-wrestle Romaning."
293
00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:38,801
All at the same time?
294
00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:42,849
You know, I used
to play water polo,
295
00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:45,460
but my horse drowned.
296
00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:47,070
Well, you should havekept his head up!
297
00:12:47,070 --> 00:12:48,550
[laughter]
298
00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:51,379
Stop laughing without me!
299
00:12:51,379 --> 00:12:52,902
Burns, why don't
you shut up,
300
00:12:52,902 --> 00:12:55,557
f-fall down,and-and go-go to sleep?
301
00:12:56,819 --> 00:12:58,647
Thank God someone cares.
302
00:13:01,824 --> 00:13:03,652
-Father?
-Yeah? Oh.
303
00:13:03,652 --> 00:13:05,132
You haven't, uh,
304
00:13:05,132 --> 00:13:06,829
had, uh, much to
say this evening.
305
00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:09,049
Oh, I'm afraid
I'm unaccustomed
306
00:13:09,049 --> 00:13:12,487
to the jocularity
of the stag smoker.
307
00:13:12,487 --> 00:13:14,924
I've been to one other.
308
00:13:14,924 --> 00:13:16,534
Very exciting.
309
00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:20,060
A nun jumped out of
an angel food cake.
310
00:13:20,060 --> 00:13:22,236
[laughter]
311
00:13:25,717 --> 00:13:28,590
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
312
00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:29,896
Wait a second.
Look at this.
313
00:13:29,896 --> 00:13:33,073
-Oh, dear!-Well, he's-he's had it.
314
00:13:33,073 --> 00:13:35,292
G-Gimme-Gimme a hand.
315
00:13:35,292 --> 00:13:37,338
Oh, I got one.
316
00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:40,254
Up we go here.
317
00:13:40,254 --> 00:13:41,429
Okay.
318
00:13:41,429 --> 00:13:43,126
Now, watch-watch it!
Watch it!
319
00:13:43,126 --> 00:13:46,260
-He weighs a ton!-That's all his medals.
320
00:13:47,522 --> 00:13:49,350
The guest of honor
is drunk.
321
00:13:49,350 --> 00:13:51,656
So am I.
322
00:13:51,656 --> 00:13:54,311
I'd say the party's over.
323
00:13:54,311 --> 00:13:57,140
Well-- Excuse me.
324
00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:58,620
Have a g-good night, fellas.
325
00:13:58,620 --> 00:14:00,448
-Night.
-Good night, Colonel!
326
00:14:00,448 --> 00:14:02,406
-Good night.
-Good night.
327
00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:05,148
Radar, get up.
328
00:14:05,148 --> 00:14:08,108
You'll get-you'll getdirt-dirt in your nose.
329
00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:11,328
I know, but why
are these tents doing
in our yard, Uncle Ed?
330
00:14:11,328 --> 00:14:12,547
-I'm not your Uncle Ed.-Whoa!
331
00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:16,899
-Good night, Father.
-Good night, Father.
332
00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:19,815
Go right home.
333
00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:22,644
The jocularity
is jocularity!
334
00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:26,169
Oh, I gotta go.
335
00:14:26,169 --> 00:14:28,171
I'm wearing a morning
frock for the wedding.
336
00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:29,869
I better shave my back.
337
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,609
Yeah, for God's sake,
shave your back.
338
00:14:35,048 --> 00:14:36,832
What are we gonna do
with the bridegroom?
339
00:14:36,832 --> 00:14:38,312
Let's put wheels on him
340
00:14:38,312 --> 00:14:40,009
and enter him inthe Soap Box Derby.
341
00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:43,273
No, that-that's
too square.
342
00:14:43,273 --> 00:14:45,188
They like originality.
343
00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:47,451
-Oh, we'll fix Margaret.-What?
344
00:14:47,451 --> 00:14:50,541
Let's slip him in bedwith Nurse Carson.
345
00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:52,369
-No. Oh, wait.
I got a better idea.
-What?
346
00:14:52,369 --> 00:14:54,023
Let's slip me in bed
with Nurse Carson.
347
00:14:56,808 --> 00:14:58,288
-Oh!
-What?
348
00:14:58,288 --> 00:15:00,160
-Oh, no, no!
-What-what-what-what?
349
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,336
-Come on, come on,
come on, come on.-No! No! It's too crazy!
350
00:15:02,336 --> 00:15:03,859
Come on.
351
00:15:03,859 --> 00:15:05,121
-Why don't you--
-No, it's too crazy.
352
00:15:05,121 --> 00:15:07,341
What?
353
00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:10,822
Put him in a body castfrom his chest to his toes
354
00:15:10,822 --> 00:15:12,737
and tell himhe broke his leg.
355
00:15:12,737 --> 00:15:14,652
[laughing]
356
00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:19,875
Oh, come on.
No, that's too cruel.
357
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:22,617
-That's vicious.
-You're right.
358
00:15:22,617 --> 00:15:24,358
-It's perfect!
-[laughing]
359
00:15:34,890 --> 00:15:36,239
How-How'd Margarettake the good news?
360
00:15:36,239 --> 00:15:38,241
Oh, she's handling
it very well.
361
00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:40,809
She punched a hole
in her tent.
362
00:15:40,809 --> 00:15:42,767
I itch all over.
363
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:43,986
Gee, I'm glad
I didn't break my leg
364
00:15:43,986 --> 00:15:46,684
while I was asleep.
365
00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:48,773
We'll tell 'em rightafter the ceremony.
366
00:15:48,773 --> 00:15:50,558
You know, when the heat's on,you can be decent.
367
00:15:50,558 --> 00:15:52,429
I know.
368
00:15:52,429 --> 00:15:54,344
But rottenness
is much more fun.
369
00:15:54,344 --> 00:15:55,476
[snickering]
370
00:16:07,096 --> 00:16:08,315
Klinger.
371
00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:14,756
-This is it.
-Okay, I'll get her.
372
00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:16,018
I hope I canget through this
373
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:17,585
without cryingmy eyes out.
374
00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:20,109
-You got tissue in your purse?-Three hankies.
375
00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:29,118
-Radar.
-What?
376
00:16:29,118 --> 00:16:31,207
-Uh, music.
-Oh.
377
00:16:34,297 --> 00:16:38,823
[playing "Wedding March"off-key]
378
00:16:51,575 --> 00:16:53,621
Potter looks
so dignified.
379
00:16:53,621 --> 00:16:55,971
That's because he's gota hangover that wouldkill his horse.
380
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,679
Ahem!
381
00:17:08,679 --> 00:17:10,290
[continues playing]
382
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:12,205
Thank you.
383
00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:13,554
Radar!
384
00:17:20,213 --> 00:17:22,824
Dearly beloved,we are gathered here today
385
00:17:22,824 --> 00:17:26,610
to join this man and thiswoman in holy matrimony.
386
00:17:26,610 --> 00:17:29,483
My friends, I'd liketo take this opportunity
387
00:17:29,483 --> 00:17:33,182
to say a few words onthe meaning of marriage.
388
00:17:33,182 --> 00:17:36,664
It is called in the Scripture,
"holy bonds."
389
00:17:36,664 --> 00:17:39,014
But what kind
of bonds are they
390
00:17:39,014 --> 00:17:41,060
that hold two
people together
391
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,757
on the journey
through life?
392
00:17:42,757 --> 00:17:44,933
[sobbing]
393
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:49,024
They are silken bonds.
394
00:17:49,024 --> 00:17:52,419
Strong, yet gentle.
395
00:17:52,419 --> 00:17:54,899
Unbreakable,
yet yielding.
396
00:17:54,899 --> 00:17:56,597
[helicopters whirling]
397
00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:58,338
Uh-oh.
398
00:17:58,338 --> 00:17:59,687
Uh-oh, choppers!
399
00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:01,602
Incoming wounded!Incoming wounded!
400
00:18:01,602 --> 00:18:04,039
-I'm sorry, God.
-Step on it, Father.
401
00:18:04,039 --> 00:18:07,303
Uh, moving right along.
402
00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:09,566
Uh, if any man
objects to this union,
403
00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:12,091
speak now or forever
hold your peace.
404
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,749
-Oh, I've nothing to say.-Keep it moving, Father.
405
00:18:18,749 --> 00:18:20,142
Do you, Margaret,
take Donald
406
00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:21,709
to be your lawful
wedded husband?
407
00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:23,450
-I do.
-And do you, Donald,
take Margaret
408
00:18:23,450 --> 00:18:25,539
-to be your lawful
wedded wife?
-I do.
409
00:18:25,539 --> 00:18:27,236
I now pronounce
you husband and wife.
410
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:29,586
Colonel.
411
00:18:37,072 --> 00:18:39,292
See you later, darling.
412
00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:43,861
Hey!
413
00:18:43,861 --> 00:18:46,125
Don't leave me!
414
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,996
Oh!
415
00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:51,434
This one's in shock
and he's hemorrhaging.
416
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:52,609
A unit of
whole blood, stat.
417
00:18:52,609 --> 00:18:55,482
Come on, take him.
418
00:18:55,482 --> 00:18:57,484
Okay, it's his leg.
Do a sterile prep.
419
00:18:57,484 --> 00:18:59,529
Move it! Hurry!
420
00:18:59,529 --> 00:19:01,227
Pack his chest,
he's in pain.
421
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:04,099
M.S., one-quarter.
He'll be next in O.R.
422
00:19:04,099 --> 00:19:06,580
Come on, move it, move it!We've got more coming!
423
00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:08,669
[O.R. chatter]
424
00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:10,801
-How many left?
-Two more in pre-op.
425
00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:12,020
Fractured femur,
426
00:19:12,020 --> 00:19:13,195
and the otherhas abdominal wounds.
427
00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:14,762
Hell of a wedding
for you, kid.
428
00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:16,459
More whole blood!
429
00:19:16,459 --> 00:19:18,505
-Wow!-What do you got, B.J.?
430
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:20,681
-Belly full of shrapnel.
-Me too.
431
00:19:20,681 --> 00:19:22,683
It's beanbag time.
432
00:19:22,683 --> 00:19:25,076
Ready to close.
General closure,
but a peritoneum.
433
00:19:25,076 --> 00:19:26,643
-Klinger.
-Captain?
434
00:19:26,643 --> 00:19:28,297
Get that fractured
leg in here.
435
00:19:28,297 --> 00:19:30,734
Gimme a second.I'll bring the whole guy in.
436
00:19:31,735 --> 00:19:33,302
How's your head?
437
00:19:33,302 --> 00:19:35,609
Oh, it's okay, Father.I got a little shook up.
438
00:19:35,609 --> 00:19:37,524
Colonel, I don't think
this is a good idea.
439
00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:38,786
No, I insist.
440
00:19:38,786 --> 00:19:40,179
I want to see
Margaret at work.
441
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,137
It'll bring us
closer together.
442
00:19:44,966 --> 00:19:46,272
But if you're
not used to it,
443
00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:48,970
O.R. can be
very frightening.
444
00:19:48,970 --> 00:19:51,668
I remember
my first experience.
445
00:19:51,668 --> 00:19:54,149
I couldn't eat liverfor a year.
446
00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:55,977
Padre, you're speaking
to a combat veteran.
447
00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:58,414
-I've seen it all.
-Up!
448
00:19:59,589 --> 00:20:01,287
[indistinct chatter]
449
00:20:01,287 --> 00:20:02,723
Hawk, Hawk,I can't get to it.
450
00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:04,768
-Give me a hand.
-Finish closing.
451
00:20:04,768 --> 00:20:08,642
Move. And the retractors.
452
00:20:08,642 --> 00:20:11,558
B.J.: Margaret, suction someof that blood out of there.
453
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,083
Ahh.
454
00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:16,954
Clamp, clamp!
455
00:20:19,435 --> 00:20:21,394
Clamp.
456
00:20:21,394 --> 00:20:23,134
[indistinct chatter]
457
00:20:23,134 --> 00:20:26,486
There it is.
458
00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:28,401
Sponge.
459
00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:37,323
-All right, Father.I've-- I've seen enough.-Let's go.
460
00:20:37,323 --> 00:20:39,455
[overlapping congratulations]
461
00:20:39,455 --> 00:20:41,936
-Have a good honeymoon!-Oh, thanks.
462
00:20:41,936 --> 00:20:44,808
-Bye. It's been nice.-Bless you, son. Bon voyage.
463
00:20:44,808 --> 00:20:47,028
-Thank you, Father.-Have a nice honeymoon, Colonel.
464
00:20:47,028 --> 00:20:48,334
I'm sure it'll be all youever expected it to be.
465
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:50,031
-Thank you, Captain.
-Best of luck.
466
00:20:50,031 --> 00:20:52,294
-Sorry about the accident, sir.-Oh, that's all right.
467
00:20:52,294 --> 00:20:54,035
-Well, do the best you can.-Thank you, Colonel.
468
00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:55,341
Enjoyed your wedding, sir.
469
00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:57,212
[chattering]
470
00:20:57,212 --> 00:20:58,909
Okay. Bye.
471
00:20:58,909 --> 00:21:00,607
Major, the bouquet!
472
00:21:00,607 --> 00:21:01,999
Throw the bouquet!
473
00:21:06,352 --> 00:21:08,049
[applause]
474
00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:20,453
-Good luck, Major.
-Thank you.
475
00:21:20,453 --> 00:21:22,672
-Have a good time.
-Thank you.
476
00:21:22,672 --> 00:21:24,674
-Bye, Margaret.
-Bye.
477
00:21:44,912 --> 00:21:46,653
-Let's tell her, Hawk.
-You tell her.
478
00:21:46,653 --> 00:21:48,524
You mixed the plaster.
479
00:21:48,524 --> 00:21:50,483
Well, one of us oughta
tell her it's a joke.
480
00:21:50,483 --> 00:21:53,877
-His leg is okay!
-The cast is a fake!
481
00:21:53,877 --> 00:21:55,488
What?
482
00:21:55,488 --> 00:21:58,012
-The cast, take it off!-The cast!
483
00:21:58,012 --> 00:21:59,535
Taking off!
484
00:21:59,535 --> 00:22:03,496
-Oh, bye.
-Bye-bye!
485
00:22:03,496 --> 00:22:05,585
Thanks for everything!
486
00:22:05,585 --> 00:22:08,022
Oh, you're welcome!
487
00:22:16,857 --> 00:22:18,641
Bye, Major!
488
00:22:18,641 --> 00:22:20,382
-Goodbye!
-Bye!
489
00:22:22,079 --> 00:22:24,343
[both laughing]
490
00:22:26,649 --> 00:22:28,172
Oh, I sure amglad we told her.
491
00:22:28,172 --> 00:22:29,826
[both laughing]
492
00:22:29,826 --> 00:22:31,611
We'll have to wire
her in Tokyo, all right?
493
00:22:31,611 --> 00:22:33,526
You think she can getthe cast off all by herself?
494
00:22:33,526 --> 00:22:36,311
Are you kidding?
She'll rip it off
with her bare hands.
495
00:22:44,624 --> 00:22:46,756
Bye, Margaret.
496
00:22:51,805 --> 00:22:54,416
-Feel all right, Frank?-Oh, I feel great.
497
00:22:54,416 --> 00:22:57,201
You guys don't have
to sit up with me likeI'm a baby or something.
498
00:22:57,201 --> 00:23:00,117
Well, you're entitledto a little sympathy,under the circumstances.
499
00:23:00,117 --> 00:23:02,946
-After all, you just
lost a close friend.-Oh, I don't feel badly.
500
00:23:02,946 --> 00:23:04,731
I'm really very happy
for Margaret.
501
00:23:04,731 --> 00:23:07,037
-That's good, Frank.
That's healthy.
-Sure.
502
00:23:07,037 --> 00:23:08,517
I just wish she'd beena little more cautious.
503
00:23:08,517 --> 00:23:10,476
You know,
I hate to see a girl,
504
00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:12,521
only been in the army
18 years,
505
00:23:12,521 --> 00:23:15,959
rush off and marry
the second real man
she ever met.
506
00:23:20,442 --> 00:23:22,488
What time is it
in Tokyo now?
507
00:23:22,488 --> 00:23:25,099
Mm, about, um, 10:00.
508
00:23:25,099 --> 00:23:30,191
Oh, well. They probablyfinished dinner by now.Had a few drinks.
509
00:23:30,191 --> 00:23:33,368
Strolled through the Japanesegarden at the hotel.
510
00:23:33,368 --> 00:23:35,326
Those gardensare very romantic.
511
00:23:35,326 --> 00:23:37,285
Oh, yeah.
512
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:42,725
They're probably wanderingover toward the elevators now.
513
00:23:46,686 --> 00:23:49,036
Where you going, Frank?
514
00:23:49,036 --> 00:23:52,822
I don't know. Uh, just feltlike grabbing a cold shower.
515
00:23:55,999 --> 00:23:57,914
-That's not a bad idea.-Uh-huh.
516
00:24:07,576 --> 00:24:09,796
[theme music playing]
37381
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