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[theme music playing]
2
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All right, justto make it interesting,
3
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anybody can openwith a pair of 10s,
4
00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:16,032
but only if you're wearingcivilian boxer shorts.
5
00:01:16,032 --> 00:01:17,642
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
6
00:01:17,642 --> 00:01:19,166
You can't set
a rule like that.
7
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No, it's dealer's
choice, Major.
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Will you accept a
civilian panty girdle?
9
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10s and boxer shorts.
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That is the most absurd
rule I've ever heard.
11
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Can anybody open?
12
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I'll open for 25 cents.
13
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I told ya!I told ya!
14
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You owe me abuck and a half.
15
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[laughter]
16
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I'm out.
17
00:01:38,576 --> 00:01:41,144
I blew everything last nighton Radar's cockroach races.
18
00:01:41,144 --> 00:01:43,538
He had the winner,but it come in riderless.
19
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-Riderless?
-The fly fell off.
20
00:01:46,193 --> 00:01:47,672
I'm in. B.J.?
21
00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:48,978
I'm in.
22
00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:50,675
Father, you wannasit in the game?
23
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Huh? Oh, yes.
24
00:01:52,286 --> 00:01:55,027
Oh, my. I had the most
extraordinary dream.
25
00:01:55,027 --> 00:01:56,986
I was a cardinal in Rome,
26
00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:59,467
and the Pope had a bad cold.
27
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What do you supposethat means, Sidney?
28
00:02:01,730 --> 00:02:03,123
You're the skull jockey.
29
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:06,082
Well, Freud said
every dream is a wish.
30
00:02:06,082 --> 00:02:08,563
One time my uncle dreamthe was dancing with a whale,
31
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and when he woke up,our cow had eaten his pants.
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00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,915
Do you wanna bet,
or do you want Sidney
33
00:02:12,915 --> 00:02:14,351
to tell you what that means?
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00:02:14,351 --> 00:02:15,526
Oh, geez, I'm sorry.
35
00:02:15,526 --> 00:02:17,746
I didn't know
it meant anything.
36
00:02:17,746 --> 00:02:19,051
You wanta loan, Sidney?
37
00:02:19,051 --> 00:02:20,444
No, I thinkI'll write a letter.
38
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I've been puttingit off for some time.
39
00:02:21,924 --> 00:02:23,143
-You all right?
-Yeah.
40
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,666
What do I--
How do I look?
41
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Cheerful.I'm worried.
42
00:02:27,190 --> 00:02:28,670
-All right, what do you want?-Two.
43
00:02:28,670 --> 00:02:29,975
-Who the hell took my cards?-Here they are.
44
00:02:29,975 --> 00:02:32,717
-Oh. You?
-Mm-hmm, two.
45
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[thinking] Dear Sigmund,
46
00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:36,547
I've been feeling somewhat frustrated lately,
47
00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:38,854
and so I came
to a kind of spa.
48
00:02:38,854 --> 00:02:41,161
The waters are
pretty good here.
49
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,684
And the inmates have
50
00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:44,816
an interesting defense against carnage.
51
00:02:44,816 --> 00:02:46,166
Too rich for me.
52
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,558
Insanity in the
service of health.
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00:02:47,558 --> 00:02:48,864
Let me see youropeners, Margaret.
54
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Here.
55
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I'm not talkingabout your cards.
56
00:02:52,302 --> 00:02:53,782
Never mind.
57
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[imitates barking]
58
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Did you hear that?
59
00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:59,179
That's great.
Can you do a dog?
60
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,571
Who deals?
61
00:03:00,571 --> 00:03:02,356
One of them is particularly good at it.
62
00:03:02,356 --> 00:03:04,488
-Who am I holding cards for?
-Name of Hawkeye.
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00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:07,361
Couple of weeks ago, he made rounds in post-op
64
00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:11,191
with a personality that had split two for one.
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00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,801
Good evening,
ladies and germs.
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00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:14,411
I'm sorry I'm late,
but my watch stopped.
67
00:03:14,411 --> 00:03:16,413
It had to. It's been
running fast all week.
68
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,504
Is this the first time
you've been pregnant?
69
00:03:23,768 --> 00:03:26,858
How long have you
had that throbbing
in your wrist?
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00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:28,556
Nurse! Nurse!
71
00:03:28,556 --> 00:03:30,035
Did you call me, doctor?
72
00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:32,821
Why should I call you doctor?I'm the surgeon.
73
00:03:32,821 --> 00:03:35,432
Give him his medication.Somebody's 15 minutes late.
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00:03:35,432 --> 00:03:36,564
♪ Doo dee-doo dee-doo
75
00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:38,783
♪ Whoop dee-dee
76
00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:43,527
Well, your feetseem to be comingalong just fine.
77
00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:46,008
It's my head, Doc.
78
00:03:46,008 --> 00:03:48,750
Oh, yes! For a minute thereyou had athlete's scalp.
79
00:03:50,142 --> 00:03:51,970
Come on, give usa little smile.
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00:03:51,970 --> 00:03:53,276
Three bucks.
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00:03:53,276 --> 00:03:54,843
I swear to you,these earrings go
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00:03:54,843 --> 00:03:56,932
for $7.50at the Tokyo P.X.
83
00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:58,455
Klinger, don't you thinkhoops are a little trashy
84
00:03:58,455 --> 00:03:59,500
before breakfast?
85
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:00,936
If I thoughtit'd get me out,
86
00:04:00,936 --> 00:04:02,546
I'd wear hula hoopsin my ears.
87
00:04:02,546 --> 00:04:04,592
-$2.50?-I'll take 'em for $2.50.
88
00:04:04,592 --> 00:04:06,507
Sold.
89
00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:08,204
I hope I win 'em back.
90
00:04:08,204 --> 00:04:10,685
I don't want the holes inmy lobes to close up again.
91
00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:13,165
Klinger's an interesting case, Sigmund.
92
00:04:13,165 --> 00:04:15,385
He's found more ways
to go crazy
93
00:04:15,385 --> 00:04:17,518
than you ever dreamt of.
94
00:04:17,518 --> 00:04:20,042
[Klinger groaning]
95
00:04:20,042 --> 00:04:22,349
Sir. Sir, there's been
a terrible accident.
96
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,568
-What happened?
-He got hit with
a chopper blade, sir.
97
00:04:24,568 --> 00:04:27,005
Wait a minute. If Klingergot hit by a chopper blade,
98
00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:28,224
he'd look like a malted milk.
99
00:04:28,224 --> 00:04:29,443
It was slowing
down, sir.
100
00:04:29,443 --> 00:04:30,879
Look what it did
to his helmet.
101
00:04:30,879 --> 00:04:33,273
How come it's got
tire tracks on it?
102
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:37,668
[speaking Arabic]
103
00:04:37,668 --> 00:04:39,496
-How's that?-Ever since he came to,
104
00:04:39,496 --> 00:04:41,193
he only speaks
in Arabic, sir.
105
00:04:41,193 --> 00:04:43,195
Gee, what a strange thing.
106
00:04:43,195 --> 00:04:45,937
-Smaha! Smaha!
-What'd he say?
107
00:04:45,937 --> 00:04:48,462
-He said, "Smaha! Smaha!"-Thank you.
108
00:04:53,336 --> 00:04:54,816
Yeah!
109
00:04:54,816 --> 00:04:56,513
It's not gonna work,
Klinger. Yeah!
110
00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:59,603
[groaning]
111
00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:01,083
Looks like a relapse.
112
00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:03,346
His eyes have gone
back in his head, sir.
113
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:05,435
He looks like that every dayright after breakfast.
114
00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:08,046
-He's shaking!
-Private Habib,
115
00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:09,570
Radar found me a can
116
00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:11,267
of smoked herring
for breakfast,
117
00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:13,008
and right now
I'm deliriously happy
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00:05:13,008 --> 00:05:14,531
cleaning my horse's toenails.
119
00:05:14,531 --> 00:05:16,098
Don't spoil it!
120
00:05:16,098 --> 00:05:17,578
Sir, I'm really scared.
121
00:05:17,578 --> 00:05:19,754
-[Klinger whimpering]
-Klinger, wake up!
122
00:05:20,755 --> 00:05:22,626
Aah!
123
00:05:29,503 --> 00:05:31,156
He's ranting, sir.
124
00:05:31,156 --> 00:05:32,767
He wants his father's cheesefrom the windowsill.
125
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:34,638
You can have a piece
of my herring,
126
00:05:34,638 --> 00:05:36,205
but you're not going home.
127
00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:43,734
Well, thank you very much.
128
00:05:43,734 --> 00:05:45,083
[grunt]
129
00:05:45,083 --> 00:05:46,868
Sophie, how about
that Klinger?
130
00:05:46,868 --> 00:05:48,783
Is he a pistol?
131
00:05:48,783 --> 00:05:51,742
I guess what draws me to these people is that,
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00:05:51,742 --> 00:05:54,441
faced with aggression in its most brutal form,
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00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:56,617
they've regressed
to a state of antic,
134
00:05:56,617 --> 00:05:58,793
if not lunatic, pleasure.
135
00:05:58,793 --> 00:06:01,143
There's been a rash of practical jokes lately.
136
00:06:01,143 --> 00:06:03,014
Whoever the perpetrator is,
137
00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:05,190
he or she is becoming a folk hero.
138
00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:07,105
-Aah!
-[laughter]
139
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Rank makes no difference.
140
00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:17,377
No one is safe
from the mad joker.
141
00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:22,251
[laughing]
142
00:06:25,428 --> 00:06:26,647
I'm sorr--
143
00:06:30,085 --> 00:06:31,913
As you pointed out, Sigmund,
144
00:06:31,913 --> 00:06:34,132
there's a link between anger and wit.
145
00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:37,048
Anger turned inward
is depression.
146
00:06:37,048 --> 00:06:39,660
Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye.
147
00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:42,358
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!Hiya, pal.
148
00:06:42,358 --> 00:06:44,273
Hey, you gotany way to get back
149
00:06:44,273 --> 00:06:45,883
to civilization from here?
150
00:06:45,883 --> 00:06:47,537
If this isn't
civilization,
151
00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:49,234
why am I standing
in a bomb crater?
152
00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:51,498
Thank you, buddy.
153
00:06:51,498 --> 00:06:53,413
You, uh, lost
from your unit,
154
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,371
or are you trying
to see the world on
five dollars a day?
155
00:06:55,371 --> 00:06:58,113
No, actually, I-I jumpedout of my airplane.
156
00:06:58,113 --> 00:06:59,680
Such a nice day,
you thought you'd walk?
157
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,421
My engine was on fire.
158
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,423
But I managed to dropmy load before I bailed out.
159
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,468
How lucky for you.
160
00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:06,861
Come on, I'll take
a look at your leg.
161
00:07:06,861 --> 00:07:08,036
Oh, are you a doctor?
162
00:07:08,036 --> 00:07:09,820
That's what they
all think here.
163
00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:11,431
Actually, I just
like legs.
164
00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:13,868
Is there a phone here?
165
00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:15,173
I don't want my wife to worry
166
00:07:15,173 --> 00:07:16,914
when I don't show upat home tonight.
167
00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:18,394
You go home every night
from the war?
168
00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:19,700
No, only weekends.
169
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:21,353
Got a little placein Tokyo.
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00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:22,833
Yeah, I tell ya, for me,
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00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,792
the war's been somethingthat lasts about...
172
00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:26,097
30 minutes a day.
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Then it's backto the base
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00:07:27,403 --> 00:07:28,665
and dinner atthe officers' club.
175
00:07:28,665 --> 00:07:30,145
Well, listen,
it's only a war.
176
00:07:30,145 --> 00:07:32,321
-I mean, why kill yourself?-Yeah.
177
00:07:32,321 --> 00:07:33,757
My gosh, will you lookat those boots?
178
00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:36,543
What a mess.
179
00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:38,719
What have you beenwalkin' in, red clay?
180
00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:41,069
No, blood.
181
00:07:41,069 --> 00:07:43,419
That must be kind of roughon you guys, isn't it?
182
00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:45,290
Well, I tell ya,if I couldn't fly,
183
00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:47,684
I wouldn't touchthis war.
184
00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:48,903
You fly much?
185
00:07:48,903 --> 00:07:50,470
I was shot
out of a cannon once
186
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,646
by the irate husband
of a bearded lady.
187
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:54,169
It's beautiful up there.
188
00:07:54,169 --> 00:07:56,911
At 20,000 feet, the skyis a brilliant blue.
189
00:07:56,911 --> 00:07:58,956
You fly for a whilein that stillness,
190
00:07:58,956 --> 00:08:00,392
then you take a reading,
191
00:08:00,392 --> 00:08:02,612
press a button,and drop your load.
192
00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:04,919
You mean you've
never seen the people
you've been bombing?
193
00:08:04,919 --> 00:08:06,703
Nah, never.
194
00:08:06,703 --> 00:08:08,096
I'm a really lucky guy.
195
00:08:08,096 --> 00:08:09,924
Flying so high with
your head in the sky.
196
00:08:09,924 --> 00:08:11,229
Yeah.
197
00:08:15,277 --> 00:08:16,539
I can't understand
198
00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:18,454
why you call this placethe Swamp.
199
00:08:18,454 --> 00:08:19,673
We were thinking ofcalling it the Latrine,
200
00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:21,022
but that name was taken.
201
00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:22,414
That's a private letter.
202
00:08:22,414 --> 00:08:23,590
Then why'd you leave
it under your pillow?
203
00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,156
Can I have that, please?
204
00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:27,158
I want to erase anythingnice I said about you guys.
205
00:08:27,158 --> 00:08:29,421
Uh, Sidney,you're a psychiatrist.
206
00:08:29,421 --> 00:08:31,206
Don't you think, uh,writing a letter
207
00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:32,773
to Sigmund Freudis a little crazy?
208
00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:34,818
Who better than he
would understand?
209
00:08:34,818 --> 00:08:36,385
Well, now that makes sense.
210
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:38,518
Uh-huh. We couldn't helpbut notice that you came
211
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,432
for the poker gameand stayed for two weeks.
212
00:08:40,432 --> 00:08:42,434
Oh, I just wanted
a little vacation.
213
00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:44,436
Sidney, Biarritzis a vacation.
214
00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:46,264
The Swiss Alps
is a vacation.
215
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:48,571
This is a fungus conventionat Atlantic City.
216
00:08:48,571 --> 00:08:52,314
There's something special
about this place.
217
00:08:52,314 --> 00:08:53,794
You give life here.
218
00:08:53,794 --> 00:08:56,405
I'm running a little
low on that right now.
219
00:08:56,405 --> 00:08:57,711
Would you liketo talk about it?
220
00:08:57,711 --> 00:09:00,757
Well... winter's
the busy season
221
00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:02,542
for shrinks here.
222
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:04,718
The days get shorter.
The nights get colder.
223
00:09:04,718 --> 00:09:07,459
I was getting 15 casesa week of total crack-ups.
224
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:08,809
Can I have some of that?
225
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,857
Business was too good.
I was losing people.
226
00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:16,294
Sidney, we all lose patients.
227
00:09:17,774 --> 00:09:19,646
Actually, the straw
that broke my back
228
00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:21,169
was this one kid
who heard voices
229
00:09:21,169 --> 00:09:24,085
telling him
to kill himself.
230
00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:26,043
I spent a lot
of time with him.
231
00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:30,874
One day he was
very calm, relaxed.
232
00:09:30,874 --> 00:09:34,835
Sometimes that's a signalthey've made a decision.
233
00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:36,314
Only somehow...
234
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,056
I missed it.
235
00:09:41,406 --> 00:09:43,757
And that night,after I went to sleep...
236
00:09:45,628 --> 00:09:49,066
that sweet, innocent,
troubled kid...
237
00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:52,461
listened to the voices.
238
00:09:58,119 --> 00:10:01,122
After that,
I started sleeping late.
239
00:10:01,122 --> 00:10:02,514
I wasn't doing my work.
240
00:10:02,514 --> 00:10:04,212
Well, well, well.
241
00:10:04,212 --> 00:10:07,258
So the doctor can'tcure himself, huh?
242
00:10:07,258 --> 00:10:09,609
Oh, God, I thought thatlump under his blankets
243
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,349
-was dirty laundry.
-It is.
244
00:10:11,349 --> 00:10:13,047
You can listen to
their bleeding-heart
245
00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:14,831
gobbledygook all you want.
246
00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:16,528
But I say, if you want tokeep your feet on the ground,
247
00:10:16,528 --> 00:10:19,009
you gotta pull yourself upby your own bootstraps.
248
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:20,271
Frank, why don't you
pull yourself up
249
00:10:20,271 --> 00:10:21,533
by your own jockstrap?
250
00:10:21,533 --> 00:10:23,187
It makes me no never mind.
251
00:10:23,187 --> 00:10:24,493
I got all my cookies.
252
00:10:41,249 --> 00:10:42,642
[thinking]
If there's a way
253
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,687
to preserve your sanity in wartime,
254
00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:46,428
they've found it.
255
00:10:46,428 --> 00:10:48,386
They slide their
patched-up patients
256
00:10:48,386 --> 00:10:49,692
into the evac ambulance
257
00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:51,563
like loaves
into a bread truck,
258
00:10:51,563 --> 00:10:55,089
and yet they never forget those packages are people.
259
00:11:10,017 --> 00:11:11,105
[crashing]
260
00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:12,410
Hey! Hey, help!
261
00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:14,108
Get a-- Get a medic! Medic!
262
00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:16,023
Come on, you guys!
263
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:20,984
Oh, no!
264
00:11:23,291 --> 00:11:24,509
Get 'em out.
Be careful! Be careful!
265
00:11:24,509 --> 00:11:26,511
Look out for broken
bones and stuff.
266
00:11:27,861 --> 00:11:29,123
Hey, listen, he hit
the turn too fast,
267
00:11:29,123 --> 00:11:30,559
and it just rolled
right over.
268
00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:32,169
Are these guys
gonna be okay?
269
00:11:32,169 --> 00:11:33,736
Take a couple guys up front.We'll work from back there.
270
00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:36,696
Hey, Bob, Dennis,
come on up front!
271
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,219
Get these menback into pre-op.
272
00:11:38,219 --> 00:11:40,700
This guy's in shock.
Start a glucose I.V.
273
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,266
This kid had one good arm,now it's broken.
274
00:11:42,266 --> 00:11:44,094
Make sure thosestitches aren't pulled.
275
00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:45,748
Get the X-ray machine going.
276
00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:52,450
Who the hell did this?O'Donnell?
277
00:11:52,450 --> 00:11:53,887
Was O'Donnell drivin'?
278
00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:55,932
-Yes, sir.
-That klutz.
279
00:11:55,932 --> 00:11:57,978
He isn't makin' any pointsfor gettin' 'em there fast.
280
00:11:57,978 --> 00:12:00,023
He's gotta get 'emthere in one piece!
281
00:12:00,023 --> 00:12:02,112
Tell O'Donnell I wantto see him in my office.
282
00:12:02,112 --> 00:12:04,332
And this time,he can shake his can!
283
00:12:04,332 --> 00:12:05,942
You got that?
284
00:12:06,987 --> 00:12:08,510
He's dead, sir.
285
00:12:11,992 --> 00:12:13,689
Nurse, I need you
in pre-op. Come on.
286
00:12:13,689 --> 00:12:15,256
Hathaway, grab
the other end of this.
287
00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:17,258
-I can get that.-No, I want him to do it.
288
00:12:21,566 --> 00:12:22,959
-Can I give you a hand, Father?
-Yeah, great, Sidney.
289
00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:24,308
Get the other end,will ya?
290
00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:27,224
Father Mulcahy fascinates me, Sigmund.
291
00:12:27,224 --> 00:12:30,314
-He's shy and studious.-Kellye, get him into pre-op.
292
00:12:30,314 --> 00:12:32,534
And yet he's got a left hook that could stop a truck.
293
00:12:34,449 --> 00:12:36,277
And with absolutely
no training,
294
00:12:36,277 --> 00:12:39,193
he seems to be a complete natural as a therapist.
295
00:12:39,193 --> 00:12:40,455
How are you doing,
John?
296
00:12:40,455 --> 00:12:41,891
I didn't know what hit me.
297
00:12:41,891 --> 00:12:43,501
I was on my stretcher,and then a second later,
298
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:46,200
three guys are layingon top of me.
299
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,071
I used to wake up
every morning like that
300
00:12:48,071 --> 00:12:49,464
when I was a boy.
301
00:12:49,464 --> 00:12:50,900
I had to sleep
with my brothers.
302
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,380
I'm not going back
in that ambulance.
303
00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:53,729
It's too dangerous.
304
00:12:53,729 --> 00:12:55,687
And I'm not getting
in any chopper.
305
00:12:56,863 --> 00:12:59,082
Oh, well, uh, all right.
306
00:12:59,082 --> 00:13:02,607
We'll send you back on
a nice, slow, safe ship.
307
00:13:02,607 --> 00:13:04,609
You'll see your family
in, uh, well,
308
00:13:04,609 --> 00:13:06,394
three or four months.
309
00:13:06,394 --> 00:13:09,005
-Four months?
-About that.
310
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:11,921
When's the next
ambulance leave?
311
00:13:11,921 --> 00:13:14,445
-In an hour or so.
-What's holding it up?
312
00:13:16,099 --> 00:13:17,144
Klinger, didn't Itell you to move
313
00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:18,536
that whole bloodback there?
314
00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:20,234
-[speaking Arabic]
-Move that blood,
315
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:23,063
or I'll make you drink it,you Transylvanian lunatic!
316
00:13:23,063 --> 00:13:25,413
Margaret's an interesting woman--
317
00:13:25,413 --> 00:13:28,546
on the outside all discipline and strength
318
00:13:28,546 --> 00:13:30,635
and on the inside
six kinds of passion
319
00:13:30,635 --> 00:13:32,594
looking for an exit.
320
00:13:32,594 --> 00:13:34,291
Major,word has gotten around
321
00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:35,553
that you'refeeling kind of low.
322
00:13:35,553 --> 00:13:37,207
Hard to keep a secret
323
00:13:37,207 --> 00:13:39,253
here in Macy's
Window East, isn't it?
324
00:13:39,253 --> 00:13:40,820
Well, everyonekind of keeps an eye
325
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,517
on everybody else here.
326
00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:44,258
You're not thinking ofdoing anything foolish?
327
00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:45,999
Oh, no. I mainly
328
00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:48,001
have this dull ache
behind my nose
329
00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:49,872
and a feeling
of listlessness.
330
00:13:49,872 --> 00:13:51,569
Sort of a severe
Geritol deficiency.
331
00:13:51,569 --> 00:13:53,223
-[laughing]-You ever get like that?
332
00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:55,182
No, never.I wouldn't permit it.
333
00:13:55,182 --> 00:13:56,661
How do you manage that?
334
00:13:56,661 --> 00:13:58,011
I just don'tlet it get to me.
335
00:13:58,011 --> 00:13:59,839
The wounded don't get to you?
336
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:02,276
The cold? The food?
The rats?
337
00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:05,322
Major, I have three nursesdown with dysentery.
338
00:14:05,322 --> 00:14:07,281
I have a shortage of sulfa,
339
00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:09,326
surgical gowns,
and rubber gloves.
340
00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:12,547
And I got a call from myfiancé in Tokyo this morning
341
00:14:12,547 --> 00:14:15,637
who celebrated his birthdaylast night without me.
342
00:14:15,637 --> 00:14:17,465
He must miss you very much.
343
00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:19,946
No, he said they hada very good time.
344
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:21,599
I see.
345
00:14:21,599 --> 00:14:24,037
Am I upset?Am I distressed?
346
00:14:24,037 --> 00:14:25,386
[chuckling] No.
347
00:14:25,386 --> 00:14:27,823
One has to bestrong, Major.
348
00:14:27,823 --> 00:14:30,086
In strength is serenity.
349
00:14:30,086 --> 00:14:32,175
Well, I take my hat
off to you, Margaret.
350
00:14:32,175 --> 00:14:33,524
Just a minute, Major.
351
00:14:33,524 --> 00:14:35,875
What-- What is that thingdoing over there?
352
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,833
I'm sorry, what thing?
353
00:14:37,833 --> 00:14:39,966
You let a woman sit downand have a drink with you
354
00:14:39,966 --> 00:14:41,576
with that thing there?
355
00:14:41,576 --> 00:14:43,404
You mean the
athletic supporter?
356
00:14:43,404 --> 00:14:45,710
-Major, you're a nurse.-It's disgusting!
357
00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:47,016
Will you putsomething over it?
358
00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:48,235
Like a fig leaf?
359
00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:50,063
How dare youparade that thing
360
00:14:50,063 --> 00:14:52,761
-in front of me.-Major, it isn't even mine.
361
00:14:52,761 --> 00:14:56,417
It belongs to one of thoserepulsive, drunken,
362
00:14:56,417 --> 00:14:58,419
lecherous, evil cretins.
363
00:14:58,419 --> 00:14:59,724
They live like pigs.
364
00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:01,335
They have the moralsof baboons.
365
00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:03,293
Will you pleaseput your hat on it?
366
00:15:03,293 --> 00:15:05,339
Certainly.
367
00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:07,210
Thank you.
368
00:15:07,210 --> 00:15:08,995
My uniform
is proud to serve.
369
00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:10,561
I'm sorry you got upset.
370
00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:12,085
I'm not upset.
371
00:15:12,085 --> 00:15:13,477
Well, a little agitated.
372
00:15:13,477 --> 00:15:15,131
Not at all.
373
00:15:15,131 --> 00:15:16,567
It would be useless.I wouldn't permit it.
374
00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:19,701
-Right.-And you can do it if I can.
375
00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:22,573
I don't feel a thing.
376
00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:25,402
Some people
won't accept pain.
377
00:15:25,402 --> 00:15:27,927
They just refuse delivery.
378
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,624
That's pretty difficult here
379
00:15:29,624 --> 00:15:32,148
because pain is such
a basic ingredient
380
00:15:32,148 --> 00:15:33,671
to the MASH unit.
381
00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:35,021
What have you got
there?
382
00:15:35,021 --> 00:15:36,674
A couple of guys
fell on him
383
00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:37,893
and pulled the stitches
in his abdominal wall
384
00:15:37,893 --> 00:15:40,940
and peritoneum.
B.J.'s scrubbing up.
385
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,550
You had to go back in?
386
00:15:42,550 --> 00:15:44,769
She started
bleeding again.
387
00:15:44,769 --> 00:15:46,336
I guess I didn't get allthe holes the first time.
388
00:15:46,336 --> 00:15:48,208
Hey, she's just a little kid.
389
00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:50,036
Eight years old.
390
00:15:50,036 --> 00:15:52,125
I got a granddaughter back
home who's about eight.
391
00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:53,865
What happened to her?
392
00:15:53,865 --> 00:15:56,433
Somebody droppeda bomb on her villagefrom an airplane.
393
00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:58,131
Who did it?
394
00:15:58,131 --> 00:16:00,220
He just dropped it.He didn't autograph it.
395
00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:03,179
No, I mean, was it oneof theirs or one of ours?
396
00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:05,442
What difference
does that make?
397
00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:07,140
A lot. It makesa lot of difference.
398
00:16:07,140 --> 00:16:08,358
Not to her.
399
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:32,730
You brought me in thereon purpose, didn't you?
400
00:16:32,730 --> 00:16:33,862
Yep.
401
00:16:36,778 --> 00:16:39,128
You're a real S.O.B.,
you know that?
402
00:16:40,608 --> 00:16:43,176
Look, you seemlike a decent guy,
403
00:16:43,176 --> 00:16:44,786
too decent to thinkthat this can be anything
404
00:16:44,786 --> 00:16:47,702
like a clean war.
405
00:16:47,702 --> 00:16:50,009
From up there it is.
406
00:16:51,793 --> 00:16:53,186
Was.
407
00:16:56,493 --> 00:16:58,843
God, she's just
a little baby.
408
00:16:58,843 --> 00:17:01,411
[sobbing]
409
00:17:06,851 --> 00:17:08,288
I'm sorry.
410
00:17:08,288 --> 00:17:09,506
It's okay.
411
00:17:11,856 --> 00:17:14,294
20,000 feet isa long way to come down.
412
00:17:18,863 --> 00:17:20,256
It's coming nicely, Frank.
413
00:17:20,256 --> 00:17:22,084
Actually,
it's one of several.
414
00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:23,912
I don't intend gettingcaught more than six paces
415
00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:26,306
away from a good hole ifsomebody shouts "Air raid."
416
00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:27,742
Prior planning.
417
00:17:27,742 --> 00:17:29,787
-Prevents poor performance.
-Hmm, catchy.
418
00:17:29,787 --> 00:17:31,702
Yeah, well, I'm going home
in one piece, brother.
419
00:17:31,702 --> 00:17:33,052
You sound determined.
420
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,183
Well, let's just say
I've been getting
421
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:36,577
some signals from
my wife back home.
422
00:17:36,577 --> 00:17:37,839
She needs a man there.
423
00:17:37,839 --> 00:17:39,449
A whole man.
424
00:17:39,449 --> 00:17:42,800
-Signals?-Yeah, you know, hints.
425
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,673
She's been going in
for strange things.
426
00:17:45,673 --> 00:17:48,284
-Like what?
-Well, she's not
behaving like herself,
427
00:17:48,284 --> 00:17:49,938
and let's just leave it
at that, okay?
428
00:17:49,938 --> 00:17:52,288
-Okay.
-Oh, what the heck.
429
00:17:52,288 --> 00:17:53,898
You're a psychiatrist.
430
00:17:53,898 --> 00:17:55,596
I guess you've
heard it all, huh?
431
00:17:55,596 --> 00:17:57,641
Well, I thoughtI'd heard it all.
432
00:17:59,513 --> 00:18:01,776
She got together with
some of her lady friends,
433
00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:04,474
and they went on
a trip to Indianapolis
434
00:18:04,474 --> 00:18:06,302
-for no reason.
-For no reason?
435
00:18:06,302 --> 00:18:08,652
Just to look around.
436
00:18:08,652 --> 00:18:10,872
It cost $55.
437
00:18:10,872 --> 00:18:12,787
And all the sudden,
she's getting mixed up
in politics,
438
00:18:12,787 --> 00:18:14,789
stuffing envelopes
for the Republican Club,
439
00:18:14,789 --> 00:18:16,747
and-and maybe even, uh...
440
00:18:18,314 --> 00:18:20,011
ringing doorbells.
441
00:18:20,011 --> 00:18:21,404
Well, it sounds as though
442
00:18:21,404 --> 00:18:22,927
she's stepping outon her own a little.
443
00:18:22,927 --> 00:18:24,538
That's what I think.
444
00:18:24,538 --> 00:18:25,930
People grow, Frank.
445
00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:27,106
Yeah, well,
when I go home,
446
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,716
I want the same girl
I married.
447
00:18:28,716 --> 00:18:30,761
-Right.
-Well, she's changing.
448
00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:35,114
She's becoming...
sexy and provocative
449
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,419
and...
450
00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:40,684
I got a letter today
451
00:18:40,684 --> 00:18:43,034
with a picture of her
in slacks
452
00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:46,125
walking away
from the camera.
453
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,866
Frank, maybe she's just tryingto find out who she is.
454
00:18:48,866 --> 00:18:50,520
That doesn't meanshe's leaving you.
455
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,435
You bet she isn't, bub.
456
00:18:52,435 --> 00:18:54,045
I happen to believe in
the sanctity of marriage,
457
00:18:54,045 --> 00:18:56,657
no matter how ugly
or disgusting it gets.
458
00:18:56,657 --> 00:18:58,441
I'll kill her
before I divorce her.
459
00:18:58,441 --> 00:19:00,574
I'm not suggesting either.
460
00:19:00,574 --> 00:19:03,794
Oh, no, of course
you're not.
461
00:19:03,794 --> 00:19:05,144
[chuckling]
462
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,580
I should have known
better than to tell
463
00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:08,451
something personal
to a psychiatrist.
464
00:19:09,974 --> 00:19:11,541
Actually, Sigmund,
465
00:19:11,541 --> 00:19:13,282
it's a wonder
more people here
466
00:19:13,282 --> 00:19:14,979
don't take a vacation from reality.
467
00:19:14,979 --> 00:19:17,765
Some people even
manage to grow.
468
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:19,854
-Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
-Radar, for instance.
469
00:19:19,854 --> 00:19:22,639
In many ways, he's still as innocent and naive
470
00:19:22,639 --> 00:19:24,337
as the local orphans
he plays with.
471
00:19:24,337 --> 00:19:26,426
And yet this boy
keeps this unit,
472
00:19:26,426 --> 00:19:29,516
this state of chaos
running smoothly.
473
00:19:29,516 --> 00:19:32,475
Uh, sir, I have some,
uh, papers for you
474
00:19:32,475 --> 00:19:33,998
to sign before
you go to bed.
475
00:19:33,998 --> 00:19:35,391
Oh, just in time, Radar.
476
00:19:35,391 --> 00:19:36,914
I was just sayinggood night to Mrs. Potter.
477
00:19:36,914 --> 00:19:39,178
Oh, say good night
for me too, sir.
478
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,136
I mean, unless she's in
her nightgown or something.
479
00:19:41,136 --> 00:19:43,356
I'll ignore that.
480
00:19:43,356 --> 00:19:46,228
Uh, sir, here's
the mess requisition.
481
00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:48,099
I ordered 500 hams.
482
00:19:48,099 --> 00:19:49,449
Isn't that kind of a lot?
483
00:19:49,449 --> 00:19:50,754
Well, uh,
484
00:19:50,754 --> 00:19:52,800
Sergeant Skinowsky
from over the 309th
485
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,410
says he'll trade meice cream and fruit for ham,
486
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,238
so I figured it
might be a good idea
487
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:58,806
-to order a few extra.
-Good boy, Radar.
488
00:19:58,806 --> 00:20:00,895
Gee, I haven't hadfruit for so long,
489
00:20:00,895 --> 00:20:02,810
my colon will thinkit's a stickup.
490
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:04,986
That's a good one, sir.
491
00:20:04,986 --> 00:20:06,770
This is the updated
patients list.
492
00:20:06,770 --> 00:20:07,815
Right.
493
00:20:09,077 --> 00:20:10,948
What's in the box?
494
00:20:10,948 --> 00:20:13,168
Um, it's
the ambulance driver's
495
00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:14,474
personal effects, sir.
496
00:20:14,474 --> 00:20:16,911
It's going out to
Graves Registration.
497
00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:20,697
Did you write a little notefor me to his folks?
498
00:20:20,697 --> 00:20:22,525
Yes, sir, it's right here.
499
00:20:22,525 --> 00:20:24,919
I never know what to say.Of all the lousy duties
500
00:20:24,919 --> 00:20:26,616
I've had to performin this service,
501
00:20:26,616 --> 00:20:28,923
that's alwaysbeen the lousiest.
502
00:20:28,923 --> 00:20:30,881
Uh, you can change it
if you want, sir.
503
00:20:30,881 --> 00:20:33,406
I'm not sure all
the words are exactly
right or anything.
504
00:20:33,406 --> 00:20:35,669
"Dear Mr. andMrs. O'Donnell,
505
00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:37,192
"It is with realdeep sadness
506
00:20:37,192 --> 00:20:40,064
"that I must tell youof the death of your son.
507
00:20:40,064 --> 00:20:42,763
"You can be very,very proud of Jerry.
508
00:20:42,763 --> 00:20:44,417
"He never tooka human life,
509
00:20:44,417 --> 00:20:46,984
"and he died while he wastrying to save the lives
510
00:20:46,984 --> 00:20:48,551
"of five other fellows.
511
00:20:48,551 --> 00:20:50,814
"He was rushingthem to the evac,
512
00:20:50,814 --> 00:20:53,426
"which is short forevacuation hospital,
513
00:20:53,426 --> 00:20:56,559
"in Seoul when hisambulance overturned.
514
00:20:56,559 --> 00:20:59,388
He was a real good boy,Mr. and Mrs. O'Donnell,
515
00:20:59,388 --> 00:21:02,652
"and I know he lovedyou both very much.
516
00:21:02,652 --> 00:21:05,438
"He spoke of you oftento my company clerk,
517
00:21:05,438 --> 00:21:08,179
"Corporal Walter O'Reilly.
518
00:21:08,179 --> 00:21:10,007
"We were proudof him at MASH,
519
00:21:10,007 --> 00:21:14,795
and we'll miss Jerryvery, very much."
520
00:21:14,795 --> 00:21:17,406
Thank you, Radar.Don't change a word.
521
00:21:17,406 --> 00:21:18,625
Thank you, sir.
522
00:21:23,151 --> 00:21:25,501
The one person
I can't figure out,
523
00:21:25,501 --> 00:21:27,460
even with all you've
taught me, Sigmund,
524
00:21:27,460 --> 00:21:30,114
-is B.J. Hunnicutt.
-Hill, come here.
525
00:21:30,114 --> 00:21:32,595
He's an enigma
with size 13 shoes.
526
00:21:32,595 --> 00:21:34,989
In the midst of the most terrific enterprise
527
00:21:34,989 --> 00:21:37,513
ever devised to separate a person's brains
528
00:21:37,513 --> 00:21:38,862
from his buns,
529
00:21:38,862 --> 00:21:41,125
B.J. goes calmly on.
530
00:21:41,125 --> 00:21:43,519
I envy his serenity,
531
00:21:43,519 --> 00:21:45,869
although there must
be a volcano
532
00:21:45,869 --> 00:21:47,001
under there somewhere.
533
00:21:47,001 --> 00:21:48,568
Oh, give me that.
534
00:21:48,568 --> 00:21:49,569
Aah!
535
00:21:49,569 --> 00:21:51,527
[laughter]
536
00:22:05,062 --> 00:22:07,238
[water hose spraying]
537
00:22:09,153 --> 00:22:10,590
Oh, hi.
538
00:22:10,590 --> 00:22:13,854
You! You'rethe practical joker?
539
00:22:13,854 --> 00:22:15,986
It certainly looks
that way, doesn't it?
540
00:22:15,986 --> 00:22:17,466
Would you like to help?
541
00:22:17,466 --> 00:22:19,512
Sure.What do I do?
542
00:22:23,211 --> 00:22:26,345
As loud as you can,
shout "Air raid!"
543
00:22:28,651 --> 00:22:31,524
Air raid! Air raid!
544
00:22:31,524 --> 00:22:33,482
Air raid!
545
00:22:33,482 --> 00:22:38,182
Air raid! Air raid!Air raid!
546
00:22:40,184 --> 00:22:41,969
[yelping]
547
00:22:45,015 --> 00:22:47,366
"Colonel Potter
is pleased to announce
548
00:22:47,366 --> 00:22:49,803
"that today is the first
day of spring.
549
00:22:49,803 --> 00:22:52,196
"In recognition
of this event,
550
00:22:52,196 --> 00:22:54,982
"we are unveiling
the cherry tree branch
551
00:22:54,982 --> 00:22:56,940
"that we have been
trying to grow
552
00:22:56,940 --> 00:22:58,420
"in a hothouse, kind of,
553
00:22:58,420 --> 00:23:01,205
"ever since Major Houlihan
got the branch for us
554
00:23:01,205 --> 00:23:04,078
when she went away
to get engaged to Tokyo."
555
00:23:04,078 --> 00:23:05,949
Oh, thank you.
556
00:23:05,949 --> 00:23:09,344
"And now, in honor of
the first day of spring..."
557
00:23:14,654 --> 00:23:16,090
Okay, that's it.
558
00:23:28,145 --> 00:23:29,669
You leaving, Sidney?
559
00:23:29,669 --> 00:23:32,411
Afraid so. Hate to becured and run.
560
00:23:32,411 --> 00:23:33,934
You feel better?
561
00:23:33,934 --> 00:23:36,153
Yeah, I think I do a little.
562
00:23:36,153 --> 00:23:37,894
It's like spring at MASH.
563
00:23:37,894 --> 00:23:39,156
If you can't find itand you can't feel it,
564
00:23:39,156 --> 00:23:41,811
you just go ahead and make it.
565
00:23:41,811 --> 00:23:45,424
Somewhere in here, I'm coaxinga little bud to grow.
566
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:48,122
Meanwhile,I'm goin' back to work.
567
00:23:48,122 --> 00:23:49,515
See ya at the gamenext week?
568
00:23:49,515 --> 00:23:51,995
Yes, I'll be here
with $20 in my pants
569
00:23:51,995 --> 00:23:53,736
and three aces up my sleeve.
570
00:23:53,736 --> 00:23:56,173
Show a little imagination.Don't make them all spades.
571
00:24:15,889 --> 00:24:17,543
Clamp.
572
00:24:17,543 --> 00:24:19,153
SIDNEY: They look every day
573
00:24:19,153 --> 00:24:20,676
into the face of death.
574
00:24:20,676 --> 00:24:22,025
I'll be closingin five minutes.
575
00:24:22,025 --> 00:24:23,549
On the surface they may seem
576
00:24:23,549 --> 00:24:25,855
like other
doctors and nurses,
577
00:24:25,855 --> 00:24:27,204
but underneath...
578
00:24:27,204 --> 00:24:30,294
ah, Sigmund, underneath.
579
00:24:35,691 --> 00:24:37,998
[theme music playing]
41074
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