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1
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[theme music playing]
2
00:00:54,924 --> 00:00:56,752
ANNOUNCER [on radio]: Okay, if Brooklyn can hold on
3
00:00:56,752 --> 00:00:58,275
to any part of this lead,
4
00:00:58,275 --> 00:00:59,885
they'll remain
4 1/2 games ahead
5
00:00:59,885 --> 00:01:01,539
of the onrushing Giants.
6
00:01:01,539 --> 00:01:03,933
New York has won 16
of the last 18 games,
7
00:01:03,933 --> 00:01:06,588
while the slumping Dodgers have only seven wins
8
00:01:06,588 --> 00:01:08,459
over the same period.
9
00:01:08,459 --> 00:01:10,200
It's 7-4 here in Cincinnati
10
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,549
in the bottom of the eighth.
11
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Nobody on and one down,
12
00:01:12,811 --> 00:01:14,335
and the Reds are up to bat.
13
00:01:14,335 --> 00:01:15,988
The Reds are upto bat here, too.
14
00:01:15,988 --> 00:01:18,165
They're hitting us
pretty good, sir.
15
00:01:18,165 --> 00:01:20,558
He who lives by the batdies by the bat.
16
00:01:20,558 --> 00:01:21,951
Oh, very good, Hawkeye.
17
00:01:21,951 --> 00:01:23,387
You need another unit
of whole blood.
18
00:01:23,387 --> 00:01:24,780
You wanna get
with it, Walsh?
19
00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:26,173
B.J.: Let her get her enginestarted, Margaret.
20
00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:27,783
I'll handle the nurses.
Thank you.
21
00:01:27,783 --> 00:01:29,872
I'll be happy
to help. Pickups.
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00:01:29,872 --> 00:01:31,830
Margaret, my brains
are on fire.
23
00:01:31,830 --> 00:01:33,745
Towel. Towel!
24
00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:35,791
Fastball cut on and missed.
25
00:01:35,791 --> 00:01:37,445
-Give me some suction. -The count is O and 2.
26
00:01:37,445 --> 00:01:38,663
Newcombe has Bell in a hole
27
00:01:38,663 --> 00:01:39,882
as he looks into Campy again.
28
00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:41,188
Thank you.
29
00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:43,103
The windup, the pitch...
30
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,843
and a swing and a miss for strike three...
31
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good change-up.
32
00:01:46,236 --> 00:01:47,803
Gus was way out in front of it.
33
00:01:47,803 --> 00:01:49,326
And down he goes.
34
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Well, at least hewent down swinging.
35
00:01:51,328 --> 00:01:53,069
That's the way
I want to go.
36
00:01:53,069 --> 00:01:55,115
Colonel, permission
to kill the radio.
37
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,986
-Granted.
-Only four more outs
38
00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:58,640
for his 16th victory
of the sea--
39
00:01:58,640 --> 00:01:59,641
[radio off]
40
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It melted.
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00:02:00,685 --> 00:02:02,426
You and your hot
little hands.
42
00:02:02,426 --> 00:02:03,775
Never mind her hands.
43
00:02:03,775 --> 00:02:05,386
Go change your gloves,
Sweeney.
44
00:02:05,386 --> 00:02:06,517
You're contaminated.
45
00:02:06,517 --> 00:02:07,910
HAWKEYE: I swear I never
touched her.
46
00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:09,129
B.J.: Anybody gotan ice cube hat?
47
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HAWKEYE: Or a snowsuit?
48
00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:12,001
B.J.: I think I justhad a hot flash.
49
00:02:12,001 --> 00:02:13,611
Colonel, are you gonna letthem discuss female diseases
50
00:02:13,611 --> 00:02:15,047
with ladies present?
51
00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:16,962
It's not a disease,
doctor. It's a symptom.
52
00:02:16,962 --> 00:02:18,921
That's one for her, Burns.
53
00:02:18,921 --> 00:02:21,097
Preston, don'tcontradict the doctors.
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00:02:21,097 --> 00:02:23,839
-Or Frank.-Oh, can it, doggie breath.
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I need more three-oh silk.
56
00:02:25,232 --> 00:02:26,450
We're out, doctor.
57
00:02:26,450 --> 00:02:28,278
I told you
to check Supply.
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I did, Major. We're out.
59
00:02:29,453 --> 00:02:30,715
You should have
anticipated.
60
00:02:30,715 --> 00:02:32,369
We have four-0
silk, doctor.
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00:02:32,369 --> 00:02:34,415
-Will that do?
-Well, it'll have to.
62
00:02:34,415 --> 00:02:38,027
Colonel, we can't
go on like this.
No supplies. No water.
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00:02:38,027 --> 00:02:40,334
It's been a week sinceanybody's had a shower.
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00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:41,726
I know.It's beginning to smell
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like the insideof a whale around here.
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00:02:44,338 --> 00:02:46,557
Imagine what Jonah
must have gone through.
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Some people have the courtesyto sponge in their helmets.
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00:02:48,777 --> 00:02:50,735
HAWKEYE: Do you goin the deep end?
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00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:52,563
Baker, you want to get thattray organized? It's a mess.
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Just the way I like it.
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00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:54,913
It's the maid's day off.
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00:02:54,913 --> 00:02:56,306
Well, it's not procedure.
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00:02:56,306 --> 00:02:57,612
And I'll thank both of you
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00:02:57,612 --> 00:02:59,309
to stop interfering
with my staff.
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00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:01,964
I wouldn't touch your staffwith a 10-foot nurse.
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00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:03,357
Hemostat.
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00:03:03,357 --> 00:03:04,749
Oh, not that, you ninny!The other thing!
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00:03:04,749 --> 00:03:06,751
But you asked
for the hemostat.
79
00:03:06,751 --> 00:03:09,189
Don't give him what he asksfor. Give him what he needs.
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00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,538
Give him fatter lips.
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00:03:10,538 --> 00:03:12,801
Major, this woman
is impossible!
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-I demand a nurse.
-Listen, Mister,
don't call me--
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00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:16,718
-MARGARET: Mister?
-Dr. Burns to you!
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00:03:16,718 --> 00:03:18,850
Seems like a lotof conflict in here.
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00:03:18,850 --> 00:03:19,895
Right, Padre.
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00:03:19,895 --> 00:03:21,549
Everybody, calm down!
87
00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:25,074
Lieutenant Preston,
just for that,
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00:03:25,074 --> 00:03:27,119
you're in chargeof cleaning up the O.R.
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00:03:27,119 --> 00:03:29,470
-after this session.
-Yes, Major.
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00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:32,124
He may be a lot of things,but he's no mister.
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00:03:32,124 --> 00:03:33,604
Thank you.
92
00:03:35,737 --> 00:03:37,260
[giggling]
93
00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:39,001
Fudge. You're kidding.
94
00:03:39,001 --> 00:03:40,872
It's 110 degrees outside.
95
00:03:40,872 --> 00:03:42,700
Oh, this stuff will
cool by October.
96
00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:44,049
[laughing]
97
00:03:44,049 --> 00:03:45,790
I'll wait.
98
00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:47,618
We'll add the nuts
in September.
99
00:03:47,618 --> 00:03:49,272
[laughing]
100
00:03:53,015 --> 00:03:54,190
Whoop.
101
00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:56,279
[laughing stops]
102
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:58,325
I have your assignmentsfor tomorrow.
103
00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:02,285
I hope that's notwhat I think it is.
104
00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:04,069
We won't know what it is
till September.
105
00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:05,680
[snickering]
106
00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:08,944
Why don't you guess?
107
00:04:08,944 --> 00:04:10,815
And we'll tell you
if you're right.
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00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,470
You're drunk.
109
00:04:13,470 --> 00:04:15,255
You know you're not supposedto be cooking in here.
110
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:16,778
I can't help it.
111
00:04:16,778 --> 00:04:18,170
I always get cooking
when I get drunk.
112
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:19,520
[laughing]
113
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:21,565
Be careful, or you'llgo on report.
114
00:04:21,565 --> 00:04:23,263
Report?
115
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,003
Heavens to Betsy.
116
00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:27,092
Next thing she'll make me
stay after school.
117
00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:30,400
I will not toleratedrunkenness.
118
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,752
Major, I already did my duty,
119
00:04:34,752 --> 00:04:37,842
with 17 hours overtimeand three cardiac arrests.
120
00:04:37,842 --> 00:04:39,931
You can't upset me. I'm numb.
121
00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:41,498
I don't even feel sad
122
00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:43,805
with burn patientsthat look like mummies.
123
00:04:43,805 --> 00:04:46,111
That's why I'm drinking:to feel something.
124
00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:49,376
Lieutenant,when you sober up,
125
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:50,638
you report to my tent.
126
00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:52,117
Major, why don't youleave her alone?
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00:04:52,117 --> 00:04:53,336
You're in enough trouble
128
00:04:53,336 --> 00:04:54,859
with that peroxideon your hair.
129
00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:56,383
In case you have forgotten,
130
00:04:56,383 --> 00:04:58,472
it's against regulationsto steal from Supply.
131
00:04:58,472 --> 00:05:00,909
Is that one naturalblonde to another?
132
00:05:00,909 --> 00:05:02,737
My hair has always
been this color!
133
00:05:02,737 --> 00:05:04,391
You mean blonde
with black roots?
134
00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:05,479
[nurses laugh]
135
00:05:05,479 --> 00:05:07,568
I don't have black roots!
136
00:05:07,568 --> 00:05:09,134
All right, gray.
137
00:05:09,134 --> 00:05:11,789
-You rotten little--
-Oh, come on!
138
00:05:11,789 --> 00:05:14,618
[all shouting]
139
00:05:14,618 --> 00:05:16,490
Forget it, all right?All right?
140
00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:18,056
[sighing]
141
00:05:18,056 --> 00:05:20,189
I've had it with you, Baker.You're on report.
142
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Your orders will be posted.
143
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Fudge.
144
00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:43,691
Fudge.
145
00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:48,913
I'm fine, Mom.
146
00:05:48,913 --> 00:05:52,656
I'm fine, Mom, uh,but boy, is it hot here.
147
00:05:52,656 --> 00:05:55,355
Somebody even broke
into the little
snowflake paperweight
148
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,704
you sent me for my birthday.
149
00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:58,749
[giggles]
150
00:05:58,749 --> 00:06:00,621
-Ooh.
-Excuse me.
151
00:06:00,621 --> 00:06:02,449
Yeah.
152
00:06:02,449 --> 00:06:03,798
I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to startle you.
153
00:06:03,798 --> 00:06:05,060
Oh, no. That's okay.
154
00:06:05,060 --> 00:06:06,496
I-I'm just writingmy mom a letter
155
00:06:06,496 --> 00:06:09,760
on how hot it gets herewhen it gets hot here.
156
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,327
-Okay.
-Yeah?
157
00:06:11,327 --> 00:06:12,720
You know where I can
find Lieutenant Baker?
158
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,635
Uh, she's in her tent,
159
00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:16,376
but I don't think she'sallowed to see any people.
160
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,465
Oh, I'm not people.
I'm her husband.
161
00:06:18,465 --> 00:06:20,249
Oh, you must be the guythat married her.
162
00:06:20,249 --> 00:06:22,556
Right. I'm Tony Baker.
163
00:06:22,556 --> 00:06:25,689
Uh, Corporal O'Reilly.
164
00:06:25,689 --> 00:06:27,212
Well, uh,
so what's the problem?
165
00:06:27,212 --> 00:06:28,866
Uh, no problem.She just, uh--
166
00:06:28,866 --> 00:06:30,302
She got into an argumentwith Major Houlihan,
167
00:06:30,302 --> 00:06:31,739
and she's confinedto her tent.
168
00:06:31,739 --> 00:06:33,001
Oh, perfect.
169
00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:34,263
We didn't have
a honeymoon.
170
00:06:34,263 --> 00:06:35,656
I just got
a 24-hour pass,
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00:06:35,656 --> 00:06:37,397
and I figured
I'd surprise her.
172
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,311
Oh, wow.
173
00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:41,444
Hey, listen,uh, wait a minute.
174
00:06:41,444 --> 00:06:43,228
Maybe I could, uh,sneak her out for a minute.
175
00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:44,969
You know, you could waitin the Swamp.
176
00:06:44,969 --> 00:06:46,057
-In the Swamp?
-Yeah.
177
00:06:46,057 --> 00:06:47,624
Oh, come on.I'll show you.
178
00:06:47,624 --> 00:06:49,496
Okay, but listen, I wantthis to be a surprise now.
179
00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:51,149
She hasn't seen mein two months.
180
00:06:51,149 --> 00:06:53,151
Boy, you think the army
would try to fix it
181
00:06:53,151 --> 00:06:54,631
so guys that are married
with each other
182
00:06:54,631 --> 00:06:56,546
could be in the same outfit.
183
00:06:59,375 --> 00:07:00,898
-Here she comes.
-Let's act crazy
184
00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:02,334
so she doesn't
suspect anything.
185
00:07:02,334 --> 00:07:03,684
-Surprise!
-Here she is!
186
00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:04,989
Right this way, please.
187
00:07:04,989 --> 00:07:06,643
-Right down there.-What's this all about?
188
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,123
Listen, I'm in enoughtrouble as it is.
189
00:07:08,123 --> 00:07:11,300
Mickey Baker,
this is your life!
190
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:13,215
[humming fanfare]
191
00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:14,477
Hawkeye...
192
00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:16,392
Out of minutes
of exhaustive research
193
00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:18,307
comes a remarkably
dull story,
194
00:07:18,307 --> 00:07:20,701
starting with your birth
somewhere in the U.S. of A.
195
00:07:20,701 --> 00:07:22,398
-Radar--
-Shortly thereafter,
196
00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:24,269
because of a keen mind
and body to match,
197
00:07:24,269 --> 00:07:25,793
you were allowed
to skip infancy
198
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:27,272
and go directly
to the third grade,
199
00:07:27,272 --> 00:07:28,796
where you were
heard to say...
200
00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,232
Oh, uh, "When I grow up,
201
00:07:30,232 --> 00:07:32,756
"I want to be
in the Korean War."
202
00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:33,931
Are you all drunk?
203
00:07:33,931 --> 00:07:35,498
And then there
was high school.
204
00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:36,847
I'm gettingout of here.
205
00:07:36,847 --> 00:07:38,675
Remember those years?
206
00:07:38,675 --> 00:07:40,721
Sad, mad, glad,
crazy, funny.
207
00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:43,158
Then... a restaurant in Seoul.
208
00:07:43,158 --> 00:07:46,814
You were sitting alone,when you heard a voice say...
209
00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:49,425
[thump]
210
00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:50,557
When you heard
a voice say...
211
00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:51,993
TONY:Hi! Is this seat taken?
212
00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:53,995
Tony. [gasp]
213
00:07:53,995 --> 00:07:55,605
Tony, where are you?
214
00:07:56,824 --> 00:07:58,173
Oh!
215
00:07:58,173 --> 00:07:59,609
Tony, I don't believe it!
216
00:07:59,609 --> 00:08:01,481
Where did you come from?
217
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,047
HAWKEYE:
From under the bed.
218
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,749
Boy, this is even betterthan the real program.
219
00:08:08,749 --> 00:08:10,054
What program?
220
00:08:10,054 --> 00:08:11,926
You mean there'sa show like this?
221
00:08:11,926 --> 00:08:13,188
I hear you're in trouble.
222
00:08:13,188 --> 00:08:14,581
Does that mean
I can't see you tonight?
223
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:16,365
-I'm confined to quarters.-Great.
224
00:08:16,365 --> 00:08:17,975
I've got to
be back tomorrow.
225
00:08:17,975 --> 00:08:19,803
And I'm due in post-opin 10 minutes.
226
00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:22,240
Don't worry about tonight.
B.J. and I'll fix it.
227
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:23,677
We will?
228
00:08:23,677 --> 00:08:25,592
For being on our show,
this lovely young couple
229
00:08:25,592 --> 00:08:27,245
will be flown at great
expense to a tent
230
00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:28,769
30 feet from where
we're standing,
231
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:30,640
where they will spend
a glorious evening
232
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:31,685
in the Olive Drab Room
233
00:08:31,685 --> 00:08:33,295
of the Continental
Korean Plaza,
234
00:08:33,295 --> 00:08:36,777
overlooking
the fabulous latrine.
235
00:08:36,777 --> 00:08:38,561
Compliments of
the wonderful people
236
00:08:38,561 --> 00:08:40,694
-who brought you this war.-Yay!
237
00:08:40,694 --> 00:08:42,913
How can we be together?I'm restricted.
238
00:08:42,913 --> 00:08:45,133
Let's not talk medicine.
Let's talk romance.
239
00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:47,135
The night
belongs to lovers.
240
00:08:47,135 --> 00:08:49,267
Oh, boy.He got me with that one.
241
00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:57,667
Uh-oh...
[humming]
242
00:08:57,667 --> 00:09:00,061
Captain, I know this may soundlike a frivolous question,
243
00:09:00,061 --> 00:09:01,715
but what the hell
are you doing?
244
00:09:01,715 --> 00:09:03,107
Quarantining your tent.
245
00:09:03,107 --> 00:09:06,067
Quarantining my tent?
What for?
246
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,372
There's a very sick soldierin there.
247
00:09:07,372 --> 00:09:08,722
Looks like the plague.
248
00:09:08,722 --> 00:09:11,202
The plague. What plague?
249
00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:13,422
Looks like bubonic.We can't be sure yet.
250
00:09:13,422 --> 00:09:15,990
Uh, it-it's gonna takeabout 24 hours to isolate.
251
00:09:15,990 --> 00:09:17,295
Corporal.
252
00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:18,470
[muffled]
Yes, ma'am?
253
00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:19,689
Yes, ma'am?
254
00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:21,735
Is there reallya sick man in there?
255
00:09:21,735 --> 00:09:23,606
Oh, uh...
256
00:09:23,606 --> 00:09:26,435
uh, if I were you, I wouldn'tsuck in any air, Major.
257
00:09:27,697 --> 00:09:29,133
Uh-- uh-uh.
258
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:30,831
Do you mind?I'd like to see for myself.
259
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:33,398
You want to look in there?Inside there?
260
00:09:33,398 --> 00:09:35,052
Of course.
261
00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:36,793
It's gonna be
a very rough night.
262
00:09:40,318 --> 00:09:41,842
Oh, this is ridiculous.
263
00:09:41,842 --> 00:09:43,583
Why do you alwayshave to inconvenience me?
264
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,888
Well, where are we
gonna put him?
265
00:09:44,888 --> 00:09:47,195
Why not put him inFather Mulcahy's tent?
266
00:09:47,195 --> 00:09:48,718
No, no, no,we thought about that,
267
00:09:48,718 --> 00:09:50,241
but if the good fathergot the plague,
268
00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:51,678
who would give himthe last rites?
269
00:09:51,678 --> 00:09:53,549
I need my things.
270
00:09:53,549 --> 00:09:54,985
-Yeah, we thought about that.-Uh, yeah.
271
00:09:54,985 --> 00:09:56,465
I packed your toothbrush,
your jammies,
272
00:09:56,465 --> 00:09:57,727
and one of your slingshots.
273
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:03,820
You jerkface!That's my garter belt.
274
00:10:03,820 --> 00:10:05,648
I'm sorry, ma'am.
275
00:10:05,648 --> 00:10:07,215
I try not to look
at your unmentionables.
276
00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:08,956
I told younot to mention that.
277
00:10:08,956 --> 00:10:12,263
Colonel Potter's
gonna hear about this.
278
00:10:12,263 --> 00:10:14,265
Pierce, I want the factson this fella
279
00:10:14,265 --> 00:10:15,484
in Major Houlihan's tent.
280
00:10:15,484 --> 00:10:17,138
Colonel, he had
to be quarantined.
281
00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:18,922
The only reason I borrowed
Major Houlihan's bed
282
00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:20,445
is that she lives alone...
283
00:10:20,445 --> 00:10:21,708
with good reason, may I add.
284
00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:23,274
-You may not add!
-Subtract that.
285
00:10:23,274 --> 00:10:24,449
What's hequarantined for?
286
00:10:24,449 --> 00:10:25,537
About 24 hours.
287
00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:26,974
The disease!
288
00:10:26,974 --> 00:10:29,106
Oh, the disease.
I'm glad you asked that.
289
00:10:29,106 --> 00:10:32,719
Because there's
a very simple explanation.
290
00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:34,285
My partner.
291
00:10:34,285 --> 00:10:38,289
At first we thoughtit was, um, the plague,
292
00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:39,943
uh, but then we've
narrowed it down
293
00:10:39,943 --> 00:10:43,773
to either typhoid
or schistosomiasis.
294
00:10:43,773 --> 00:10:46,341
Schistosomiasis?
295
00:10:46,341 --> 00:10:48,386
What kind of nonsenseis that?
296
00:10:48,386 --> 00:10:50,301
No, no, I've heard of that.It's very common.
297
00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:52,652
-Really?-Millions of people contract it
298
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,219
by wading waist-high
in the river Nile.
299
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:57,874
Exactly. Now if you'll
excuse us, Colonel.
300
00:10:57,874 --> 00:10:59,136
Not so fast.
301
00:10:59,136 --> 00:11:01,051
How do you supposea foot soldier in Korea,
302
00:11:01,051 --> 00:11:04,446
a fair distance from Egypt,caught this disease?
303
00:11:04,446 --> 00:11:08,624
Um, maybe he went hometo see his mummy?
304
00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:10,191
Doctors, cut the comedy.
305
00:11:10,191 --> 00:11:12,628
What, if anything,is wrong with this boy?
306
00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:15,762
Colonel, he shows allthe symptoms of-of typhoid.
307
00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:17,677
Now, we-we-we can't be sure.
308
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,940
We just have to quarantinehim for a while to find out.
309
00:11:19,940 --> 00:11:21,332
Twenty-four hoursought to do it.
310
00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:23,160
Colonel, are you gonna
let them get away
311
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,684
with whatever it is they're
trying to get away with?
312
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,337
It's only for a day.
313
00:11:26,337 --> 00:11:28,557
The boy's quarantinedfor 24 hours.
314
00:11:28,557 --> 00:11:30,254
Where am I supposed
to sleep?
315
00:11:30,254 --> 00:11:31,255
With the nurses.
316
00:11:31,255 --> 00:11:33,040
With the nurses?
317
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,606
Have them set up an extra cot.
318
00:11:34,606 --> 00:11:37,435
Isn't there some other way?
319
00:11:37,435 --> 00:11:38,959
Why? Is that a problem?
320
00:11:38,959 --> 00:11:41,962
No, of course not, Colonel.
321
00:11:41,962 --> 00:11:43,572
If it is, I can sleep
with the nurses
322
00:11:43,572 --> 00:11:44,878
and Major Houlihan
can sleep in the Swamp,
323
00:11:44,878 --> 00:11:46,096
if she doesn't mind snoring.
324
00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:47,358
Won't bother meif she snores.
325
00:11:47,358 --> 00:11:49,447
I'll take the nurses,thank you.
326
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:50,710
Save a couple for me.
327
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,234
Dismissed!I'm getting a headache.
328
00:11:59,631 --> 00:12:00,981
You know, I always dreamed
329
00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:03,244
I'd honeymoon
in Niagara Falls.
330
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:05,463
Ah, Richard and I had
the bridal suite there.
331
00:12:05,463 --> 00:12:07,727
- Really?
-Yeah.
332
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:10,077
If we ever get married,
I'd like to go back.
333
00:12:10,077 --> 00:12:12,949
-I'm so nervous.
-Why?
334
00:12:12,949 --> 00:12:15,604
You sneak over to see Tony.You get back before dawn.
335
00:12:15,604 --> 00:12:17,475
Nobody's gonna be the wiser.
336
00:12:17,475 --> 00:12:20,000
It's not that. I'm worriedabout getting a bath.
337
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,523
Well, it just so happens
338
00:12:21,523 --> 00:12:23,438
we took up a little water
collection around camp.
339
00:12:23,438 --> 00:12:25,135
Oh, really? That's sweet.
340
00:12:25,135 --> 00:12:27,790
-Can you fit into
a coffee cup?
-Oh.
341
00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:30,358
I got a littlehoneymoon present for you.
342
00:12:30,358 --> 00:12:32,316
I was saving itfor an emergency,
343
00:12:32,316 --> 00:12:35,189
but, uh, it's justa few drops of perfume.
344
00:12:35,189 --> 00:12:37,017
Thank you. What's it called?
345
00:12:37,017 --> 00:12:39,541
I don't remember.The first time I used it,
346
00:12:39,541 --> 00:12:42,587
my boyfriendchewed off the label.
347
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,027
What's the matter?
348
00:12:47,027 --> 00:12:49,333
Private Parkerjust died.
349
00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:54,121
Who's that?
350
00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:56,993
One of the kids
in the burn section.
351
00:12:56,993 --> 00:13:00,040
You remember? He was alwaysflirting with Gaynor.
352
00:13:03,304 --> 00:13:05,828
Hey, I'm sorry.
353
00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:10,311
Try not to take it
so hard.
354
00:13:10,311 --> 00:13:13,009
I'm not. That's just it.
355
00:13:13,009 --> 00:13:15,838
We were friends,and I don't feel anything.
356
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:18,841
I don't feel death anymore.It's just death.
357
00:13:26,066 --> 00:13:28,198
Oh, now.
358
00:13:28,198 --> 00:13:30,244
Well, I don't
have any candy.
359
00:13:30,244 --> 00:13:32,072
You never knowwhat you might find.
360
00:13:32,072 --> 00:13:34,074
[laughing, chatter]
361
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:36,424
Oh, uh, you childrenget out of here.
362
00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:38,513
I don't understandwhat those kids--
363
00:13:40,689 --> 00:13:43,344
It isn't necessary to makethem feel afraid of me.
364
00:13:43,344 --> 00:13:45,520
I happen to love children.
365
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,131
We thought you mightconfine them to their huts.
366
00:13:48,131 --> 00:13:50,699
Very funny.
367
00:13:50,699 --> 00:13:52,788
All right. I want
this place to sparkle.
368
00:13:52,788 --> 00:13:55,138
Everything sterile,all instrument packs complete.
369
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,880
Check all traysand inventory all supplies.
370
00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:59,751
Also, due to
a shortage of beds,
371
00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:01,753
I'll be forced to sleepin the Nurses' Tent tonight.
372
00:14:01,753 --> 00:14:03,843
That's right.Mine's been quarantined.
373
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,845
I'm sure you're no morepleased about it than I,
374
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:08,543
so I suggest we all tryto make the best of it.
375
00:14:11,111 --> 00:14:13,026
Hot Lips in our tent.
376
00:14:13,026 --> 00:14:15,506
That'll be like sneaking past awatchdog.
377
00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:17,160
We'll chloroform her kibble.
378
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:18,683
We'll rock her to sleep.
379
00:14:18,683 --> 00:14:21,512
With a real rock.
380
00:14:21,512 --> 00:14:24,080
I don't care if Margarethas to sleep withthe nurses tonight.
381
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,300
-What's that to me?
-She hates the idea.
382
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:28,955
She'd rather spend timewith anyone else, even you.
383
00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:30,608
Frank, this is
your big chance.
384
00:14:30,608 --> 00:14:32,523
Hawk and I will clear
out of the Swamp,
385
00:14:32,523 --> 00:14:34,612
and you can invite
Margaret over for
a little Apache dance.
386
00:14:34,612 --> 00:14:36,266
I'm not chasing Margaret.
387
00:14:36,266 --> 00:14:37,877
I'm waiting for herto come to me.
388
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,356
How's that?
389
00:14:39,356 --> 00:14:42,359
You guys don't knowa thing about women.
390
00:14:42,359 --> 00:14:44,057
Then how come he has a baby?
391
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:46,233
I'm playing hard to get.I'm making her suffer.
392
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,756
There's sweaton her upper lip.
393
00:14:47,756 --> 00:14:49,323
Frank, it's 110 degrees.
394
00:14:49,323 --> 00:14:51,716
When I see her crawlingacross the compound
395
00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:54,023
on her hands and knees...
396
00:14:54,023 --> 00:14:55,155
You know whatthat'll mean?
397
00:14:55,155 --> 00:14:57,548
-She ate in the Mess Tent?-No!
398
00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:59,594
It'll mean that she'salmost ready.
399
00:14:59,594 --> 00:15:01,030
[giggles]
400
00:15:01,030 --> 00:15:02,466
Till then, no dice.
401
00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:08,646
I think we crapped out.
402
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:11,649
Well, how do I look?
403
00:15:11,649 --> 00:15:13,695
-Sensational.
-Oh, gorgeous.
404
00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:15,392
Is that what we're
supposed to look like?
405
00:15:15,392 --> 00:15:17,742
-I think so.-Mary Jo got it in Tokyo.
406
00:15:17,742 --> 00:15:20,049
And I think it'sa little big through here.
407
00:15:20,049 --> 00:15:21,268
Look,I loaned you my nightgown.
408
00:15:21,268 --> 00:15:23,270
I can't loan you everything.
409
00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:25,141
You don't think
it's too much, do ya?
410
00:15:25,141 --> 00:15:26,273
I mean, I don't want
to look overanxious.
411
00:15:26,273 --> 00:15:28,318
Well, he might like that.
412
00:15:28,318 --> 00:15:30,320
Here comes Houlihan.Quick, under the covers.
413
00:15:34,803 --> 00:15:37,414
-The light.
-Oh, I forgot.
414
00:15:40,461 --> 00:15:41,984
Now, are we supposed
to be asleep
415
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:43,246
or just dozing off?
416
00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:44,465
Mary Jo, shut up.
417
00:15:50,253 --> 00:15:52,125
Well, what's this?
418
00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:54,388
Everybody in bed
on time for a change?
419
00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:57,565
Well, Major, early to bed,early to rise.
420
00:15:57,565 --> 00:15:59,959
No bull session?
No coffee tonight?
421
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:03,005
No, Major,we threw it out.
422
00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:04,528
Good night, Major.
423
00:16:08,837 --> 00:16:10,926
Good night.
424
00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:21,937
[creaking]
425
00:16:31,164 --> 00:16:32,861
Halt!
Who goes there?
426
00:16:32,861 --> 00:16:34,471
Baker. Uh...
427
00:16:34,471 --> 00:16:36,256
I was goingto the latrine.
428
00:16:36,256 --> 00:16:38,345
It's the other way.
429
00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:41,522
Uh, Klinger, I, uh...
430
00:16:41,522 --> 00:16:44,133
don't really haveto go to the latrine.
431
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:46,875
-You don't?
-No.
432
00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:48,355
I see.
433
00:16:48,355 --> 00:16:50,574
Um, listen.
434
00:16:52,446 --> 00:16:55,623
Don't, uh,ask any questions,
435
00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:58,408
and, um...
436
00:16:58,408 --> 00:17:00,889
my lavender peasant blouseis yours.
437
00:17:00,889 --> 00:17:02,717
With the matching scarf?
438
00:17:02,717 --> 00:17:04,284
Mm-hmm.
439
00:17:04,284 --> 00:17:05,937
Pass.
440
00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:32,442
[softly]
I...
441
00:17:32,442 --> 00:17:34,618
Shh.
442
00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:46,282
TONY:
Who is it?
443
00:17:46,282 --> 00:17:47,805
Um, it's Corporal O'Reilly.
444
00:17:47,805 --> 00:17:49,459
I was just wondering
if I'm bothering you.
445
00:17:49,459 --> 00:17:52,332
Uh, come on in, Radar.
446
00:17:52,332 --> 00:17:54,638
Oh, no, listen,
I don't want to see
your honeymoon.
447
00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:55,857
It's all right.
Come on in.
448
00:17:55,857 --> 00:17:57,250
-Come on.
-Oh.
449
00:17:57,250 --> 00:17:58,642
I was just leaving.
450
00:17:58,642 --> 00:18:00,253
Tony has to get
back to his outfit.
451
00:18:00,253 --> 00:18:01,645
Oh, gee.
452
00:18:01,645 --> 00:18:02,820
Uh, I just thought
453
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:04,866
maybe you'd like
some breakfast.
454
00:18:04,866 --> 00:18:07,434
Um, if you scrapethe black off of, uh, it,
455
00:18:07,434 --> 00:18:08,696
it's toast under it.
456
00:18:08,696 --> 00:18:10,872
Thanks, but, uh,I have to shove off.
457
00:18:15,311 --> 00:18:17,357
Take care of yourself,sweetheart, okay?
458
00:18:17,357 --> 00:18:19,185
Okay.
459
00:18:19,185 --> 00:18:20,577
[chuckling]
460
00:18:20,577 --> 00:18:21,839
Write me.
461
00:18:21,839 --> 00:18:24,494
-I will.
-We will.
462
00:18:24,494 --> 00:18:26,801
Oh, gee. Pardon me.
I'm sorry.
463
00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:28,411
I-I guess I'd just
better be going.
464
00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:31,327
Would you-- Would you tellHawkeye and B.J. thanks?
465
00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:33,416
Oh, sure. I will.
466
00:18:33,416 --> 00:18:35,114
Gee, love is swell.
467
00:18:36,985 --> 00:18:39,335
[creaking]
468
00:19:08,495 --> 00:19:09,844
Good morning, Major.
469
00:19:09,844 --> 00:19:11,324
Good morning, Lieutenant.
470
00:19:11,324 --> 00:19:13,543
This time I'm gonna
throw the book at you.
471
00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:29,820
What have we got?
472
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:31,039
Got a pregnant one here.
473
00:19:31,039 --> 00:19:32,736
She's in labor,
and it's a breech.
474
00:19:32,736 --> 00:19:34,085
[speaking Korean]
475
00:19:34,085 --> 00:19:35,870
-Get her prepped.
-Right.
476
00:19:35,870 --> 00:19:38,351
-Chopper's on the pad.
-Looks like a sellout.
477
00:19:44,052 --> 00:19:46,924
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention! Incoming casualties.
478
00:19:46,924 --> 00:19:50,232
All personnel report to pre-op immediately.
479
00:19:50,232 --> 00:19:53,061
-Uh, Major,
can we talk to you?
-About what?
480
00:19:53,061 --> 00:19:54,671
About what you're gonnado to Lieutenant Baker.
481
00:19:54,671 --> 00:19:56,282
And what does that haveto do with you?
482
00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:57,761
She's our friend.
483
00:19:57,761 --> 00:19:59,415
And we don't
want to see her
in any more trouble.
484
00:19:59,415 --> 00:20:01,243
Then you should'vestopped her. Let's go.
485
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:03,419
What'd she do
that was so wrong?
486
00:20:03,419 --> 00:20:05,291
She spent the nightin my tent
487
00:20:05,291 --> 00:20:07,467
with a quarantined soldier.
488
00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:08,990
That soldierwas my husband,
489
00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:10,513
and it's the first timewe've been together
490
00:20:10,513 --> 00:20:11,862
since our marriage.
491
00:20:12,994 --> 00:20:14,474
It was a violationof rules.
492
00:20:14,474 --> 00:20:16,258
Oh, come on, Major.
493
00:20:16,258 --> 00:20:19,392
You've ruled, regulated,and reported us to death.
494
00:20:19,392 --> 00:20:20,741
You're in the army,
495
00:20:20,741 --> 00:20:22,917
and the armymeans discipline.
496
00:20:22,917 --> 00:20:24,962
We know that.But once, just once,
497
00:20:24,962 --> 00:20:27,182
can't you showa little compassion?
498
00:20:27,182 --> 00:20:28,705
And once, just once,
499
00:20:28,705 --> 00:20:30,751
couldn't you be
honest with me?
500
00:20:30,751 --> 00:20:32,840
Last night was
just another joke,
501
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,189
just another lie
to Major Houlihan.
502
00:20:34,189 --> 00:20:35,669
How can we be honest
with you?
503
00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:37,018
You're like a cat
waiting for the mice
504
00:20:37,018 --> 00:20:39,150
to make a mistake
so you can pounce.
505
00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:41,718
Let's face it, Major.
You don't trust us.
506
00:20:41,718 --> 00:20:44,591
And do you trust me?You act like I'm the enemy.
507
00:20:44,591 --> 00:20:46,506
All right. If I had asked
your permission last night,
508
00:20:46,506 --> 00:20:47,942
what would you have done?
509
00:20:47,942 --> 00:20:50,336
-I would have said no.
-See?
510
00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:52,163
Not because it'sagainst regulations,
511
00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:54,296
but because of the rottenway you've treated me.
512
00:20:54,296 --> 00:20:57,473
The way we've treated you?What are you talking about?
513
00:20:57,473 --> 00:21:01,651
Did you ever show meany kind of friendship?
514
00:21:01,651 --> 00:21:04,306
Ask my helpwith a personal problem?
515
00:21:05,916 --> 00:21:08,571
Include me in one of yourlittle bull sessions?
516
00:21:10,007 --> 00:21:11,879
Can you imaginewhat it feels like to--
517
00:21:11,879 --> 00:21:13,533
[gasps]
518
00:21:13,533 --> 00:21:17,276
To walk by this tentand hear you laughing and--
519
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:20,017
and know I-I'm not welcome?
520
00:21:21,889 --> 00:21:23,107
Did you ever once
521
00:21:23,107 --> 00:21:25,893
ever offer mea lousy cup of coffee?
522
00:21:28,417 --> 00:21:30,289
We didn't think
you'd accept.
523
00:21:32,726 --> 00:21:34,249
Well, you were wrong.
524
00:21:41,517 --> 00:21:42,997
Radar, I want to see it.
525
00:21:42,997 --> 00:21:44,520
I want to see
that culture report.
526
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,217
The--
The culture report.
527
00:21:46,217 --> 00:21:47,741
On the fellawho was quarantined.
528
00:21:47,741 --> 00:21:48,916
You remember him.
529
00:21:48,916 --> 00:21:50,439
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That fella.
530
00:21:50,439 --> 00:21:51,788
He was a real nice guy.
531
00:21:51,788 --> 00:21:53,529
Uh, but, uh,
I think he got better
532
00:21:53,529 --> 00:21:54,791
because we released him.
533
00:21:54,791 --> 00:21:56,532
-Released him?
-Yeah.
534
00:21:56,532 --> 00:21:58,665
I thought he had typhoid!
535
00:21:58,665 --> 00:21:59,970
Oh, that's right.
536
00:21:59,970 --> 00:22:01,450
But it was just
the 24-hour kind.
537
00:22:01,450 --> 00:22:02,930
-Ooh!
-What?
538
00:22:02,930 --> 00:22:04,148
I forgot.
539
00:22:08,936 --> 00:22:11,330
Doctors, tell me
about this miracle cure
540
00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:13,114
you've discovered
for typhoid.
541
00:22:13,114 --> 00:22:14,594
Oh, it wasn't, uh, typhoid.
542
00:22:14,594 --> 00:22:16,117
Our diagnosiswas all wrong.
543
00:22:16,117 --> 00:22:17,597
Yeah, it was just a coldtrying to fool us.
544
00:22:17,597 --> 00:22:18,989
You wanna stick
with that story?
545
00:22:18,989 --> 00:22:20,382
No, I'm working
on a better one.
546
00:22:20,382 --> 00:22:22,384
Keep working,
and follow me.
547
00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:26,040
Major Houlihan,
we've been had,
548
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:27,346
you and me.
549
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:29,173
Your tent
was used last night
550
00:22:29,173 --> 00:22:31,219
for some devious
shenanigans.
551
00:22:31,219 --> 00:22:32,829
If you'd like
to level charges,
552
00:22:32,829 --> 00:22:34,657
I'll understand.
553
00:22:37,486 --> 00:22:40,315
I know all aboutlast night, Colonel.
554
00:22:40,315 --> 00:22:42,839
It's a private matterbetween me and my nurses.
555
00:22:43,971 --> 00:22:45,015
That's the end of it?
556
00:22:45,015 --> 00:22:46,930
Yes, sir.
557
00:22:46,930 --> 00:22:48,845
Whatever you say, Major.
558
00:22:48,845 --> 00:22:50,107
Let's get ready.
559
00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:53,502
B.J.: Look at that.
Anybody got a cigar?
560
00:22:53,502 --> 00:22:54,851
I didn't even know
we were pregnant.
561
00:22:54,851 --> 00:22:56,113
You delivered it?
562
00:22:56,113 --> 00:22:59,290
Not it.It's Miss Su Ling Sun.
563
00:22:59,290 --> 00:23:01,031
She was a breech.
564
00:23:01,031 --> 00:23:02,946
[baby crying]
565
00:23:04,905 --> 00:23:07,516
She may have comeinto the world backward,
566
00:23:07,516 --> 00:23:09,518
but she landed on her feet.
567
00:23:09,518 --> 00:23:11,346
[crying]
568
00:23:11,346 --> 00:23:12,695
Oh, isn't she beautiful?
569
00:23:12,695 --> 00:23:14,175
Just like her doctor.
570
00:23:19,615 --> 00:23:21,051
I'm sorry, I--
571
00:23:21,051 --> 00:23:22,836
I don't know why I'm crying.
572
00:23:22,836 --> 00:23:26,274
It's just life.
[sobbing]
573
00:23:26,274 --> 00:23:28,102
You're gettingthe baby all wet.
574
00:23:28,102 --> 00:23:29,364
Yeah.
575
00:23:29,364 --> 00:23:30,713
Not to mention
wasting water.
576
00:23:30,713 --> 00:23:32,062
[laughing]
577
00:23:39,461 --> 00:23:41,463
Why are we making fudgeagain in this heat?
578
00:23:41,463 --> 00:23:43,030
Well, the last time
we made it,
579
00:23:43,030 --> 00:23:44,945
Baker threw it all overthe front of the tent.
580
00:23:44,945 --> 00:23:46,425
Now I'm gonna throw it
against the back
581
00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:48,688
so it'll match.
Try some. It's good.
582
00:23:50,298 --> 00:23:51,517
Mmm. What we don't eat,we could always use
583
00:23:51,517 --> 00:23:53,127
to waterproof our boots.
584
00:23:55,782 --> 00:23:57,479
Evening, nurses.
585
00:23:57,479 --> 00:23:58,828
-Good evening, Major.
-Good evening, Major.
586
00:23:58,828 --> 00:24:02,179
I have your assignmentsfor tomorrow.
587
00:24:02,179 --> 00:24:04,704
I hope that's notwhat I think it is.
588
00:24:04,704 --> 00:24:07,446
No, Major. It's fudge.
589
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:10,405
Cooking in the tentsis against regulations.
590
00:24:10,405 --> 00:24:12,102
Yes, Major.
591
00:24:12,102 --> 00:24:13,321
Have some?
592
00:24:24,288 --> 00:24:27,291
Oh, that's really bad.
593
00:24:27,291 --> 00:24:29,859
How about a lousy
cup of coffee?
594
00:24:29,859 --> 00:24:31,339
I'd love it.
595
00:24:36,213 --> 00:24:38,477
[theme music playing]
41518
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