All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S05E04 - Lt. Radar OReilly (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

[theme music playing]

Anybody open?

One buck.

-I call.
-I'm in.

-Call.
-I'm in.

All right.
Cards?

Three.

A-one, a-two,
a-three to you.

[chuckles]

Ha!

The great poker face.

Keep it up,
you'll make Mount Rushmore.

Three.

Who deals these cards
deals trash.

Father?

FATHER MULCAHY:
Two, please.

One, two, buckle my shoe.

Father, I thought youwere supposed to trustyour fellow man.

Not when there's eight dollarsin the collection plate.

Woodruff?

Four.

[laughs]

Come on.You'll give it away.

Klinger?

Three.

A face card and a deuce,huh, Klinger?

Come on!

Your nose is themirror of your soul.

I'd like to
use that sometime.

Oh, I'd be flattered.

Dealer takes three.

Hee-hee-hee.

-Uh-huh. Radar?
-One buck.

A dollar to you,
uh, Father.

Without even a peek...

I will raise it
two dollars.

Special glasses?

The Vatican PX.

Three to you, Woody.

Call.

Garbage.

Two to you, Smiley.

Full house.
Threes over deuces.

[groaning]

Boy, I must be aheadabout 12 bucks.

I can buy my momsome more electrolysis.

The gift for the woman
who has everything.

Well, I gotta go.

Sit down, laughing boy.I'm out 85.

Deal!

Daddy needs
a new garter belt.

Gee, I'd like to
play some more,

but I gotta fill out
the morning report,

the monthly report,

type four letters
for Colonel Potter,

and massage my gums.

It's almost midnight.

Uh, I'll see ya.

Thanks a lot for all
the swell money.

I hate a guy who quits earlywhen he's ahead.

Woody, when Radar says
he's got work to do,

he means it.

If it weren't for
that leprechaun,

4077 would be a
license plate.

Well, I should go.

I promised Finch
I'd stop by post-op.

He's in for dysentery.

-Ah, my favorite holiday.-How much you out, Father?

Sixteen.

Well, unlucky at cards,unlucky at love.

Yep.

There goes mynew garter belt.

I'll have to hold upmy stockings with Band-Aids.

-Ingenious.
-Stings.

Pulls clumps of hairoff my legs.

That's what those were.

I thought they
were wounded rats.

I'm ready to pack it in.Time for beddy-bye.

As us butch guys
say at the front.

-See you at breakfast.-Not me. It's porridge.

-I found two eggs.
-Under a snake.

Well, what do you say,
Woodruff?

You owe me 85.

Uh, get ya next time.

-How's that?
-I ain't got it.

You should've gotten
out of the game.

You owe me 35
from last week.

Guys, I got obligations.I also play poker at H.Q.

Good, 'cause you're notplaying here anymore.

-Oh, come on, guys.
-No, forget it.

You stiffed us twice.

Oh, okay, okay.
Look, don't-don't get sore.

I, uh, got something
better than money.

Yeah, your health.But I can't spend your health.

Look, I'm in charge of theI Corps mimeograph setup.

And I'm in charge of spleens
and small intestines.

You guys know what comesout of mimeograph machines?

Waste paper?

Promotions.

I can promote you.

How would you like, uh,Major Hawkeye Pierce?

I'd rather be Dr. Pierce,

with a liquor store in frontand surgery in back.

How about you?

You wanna be
Major B.J. Hunnicutt?

[chuckles]

What's so funny?

Play this on your
mimeograph machine.

Lieutenant Radar O'Reilly.

[B.J. chuckles]

[whistling]

-Don't you ever salute,Corporal?
-[glass shatters]

Well, anything for me?

Uh, just youraftershave lotion, sir.

You little poop!

You planned that
whole salute!

[whistling]

[knocking]

HOULIHAN: Come.

It's me-- ooh.

What?

Mail call, sir.Uh, ma'am.

Uh, that's a package fromLieutenant Colonel Penobscott,

your belovedbetrothed-to-be.

I know who he is.

[inhales deeply]
Oh!

Oh, that thoughtful
darling!

He knows I lovefine leathers.

A-ha!
Wahoo!

[screaming]

[whip snapping]

HOULIHAN: Yahoo!

I asked for communion wafers,and they sent me Ritz crackers.

Gee, I'm sorry, Father.Supply's mostly Presbyterian.

Well...

did they at least send
the Biblical bookmarks?

Oh, yes, sir.

Um, it's, uh--it's athletic equipment.

You know, slingshots.

With a slingshot
like that,

I think David could have
slain two Goliaths.

Yeah.

-[knocking]
-Come in.

Mail call,
Lieutenant Baker.

Radar...

why do you alwaysleave so quickly?

Hit and run?

Well, you know
how the mail is.

It doesn't wait for
hail or sleet or rain,

or bad spark plugs,
or whatever.

I think I'm caught
in your towel.

-Radar.
-Hmm?

What about us?

-You mean you and me,
and you?
-Mm-hmm.

When are you gonnamake a real delivery?

I left the mail
on your bed.

Radar, how obviouscan I be?

-You can kiss me,
if you want.
-Oh, no, no, no.

I-I don't think that
would be very fair.

All is fair inlove and war.

No, I mean I think
I'm getting a strep throat.

Besides, you're an officer.I'd be happy to salute you.

Whoa, that stang!

♪ You oughta be in pictures wah-wah ♪

♪ You're wonderful to see Wah wah-wah ♪

-Klinger.
-My colonel?

Knock off the "wah-wahs."

Yes, sir,but it's a group arrangement.

Just cut.
And watch my wart.

In my hands,your wart is sacred.

-[knocking]
-Mail.

-Anything for me?
-Just junk mail.

-Wanna sell your house?-We rent.

-Then you didn't get any mail.-How did I do?

Pretty good, sir.You got a letter fromyour granddaughter.

Oh!
Open it and read it.

Well,it might be personal.

What could a five-year-old kidwrite that's personal?

-Oh, potty stuff and--
-Read it!

Yes, sir.

♪ You oughta be
in pictures ♪

BOTH:
♪ Wah-wah

-"Dear Grandpa"...
-Bright kid, for five.

Made toast at three.

I put milk onmy cereal at four.

Good man.
Go on.

"Mama says, 'How are you'?Mama says, 'I am fine.'

"Mama says, 'I hope
you are fine too'.

"Mama says, 'Don't
play with ashtrays

"'cause they're furniture.'

"O-O-O-X-X-X."

-That's hugs and kisses.-Oh.

Anything else?

Uh, yes, sir.This came from I Corps.

Read it.

[whistling]

"From: R.J. Meighan.Commanding Officer, I Corps.

"To: Sherman Potter,
Commanding.

"Mobile Army Surgical
Hospital 4077.

"Regarding the pro"...

POTTER: Well?

Take it easy, kid.

"Re: The promotion of
O'Reilly, Walter, Corporal,

"3-9-1-1-8-1-0,
to second lieutenant.

"U.S. Army Reserve."

Well, I'll be John Brown!

You've jumped from corporal,over sergeant,

to second lieutenant!

It must be a mistake.I'm just a kid.

No mistake.
That's your serial number.

That's war.
Crazy things happen.

Friend of mine was
a plumber, one day,

and in charge of the
Panama Canal, the next.

You son of a gun.
Let me lay one on ya.

Aw, come on, Klinger.At ease.

-You better get used to it,Lieutenant.
-Oh, my gosh!

Keep one thing in mind,Herr Leutnant.

Be nice to us G.I.s.

You were an enlisted manyourself once. Remember.

Absolutely
fan-damn-tastic!

I Corps probably heard youwere doin' a great job, kid--

Sir.

Well, I have beenpracticing on my spelling.

Did you hear about Radar?

His hamster win
the Kentucky Derby?

He's a second lieutenant.

-You're kidding!
-No fooling!

Just can't figure it out.Does a good job.

Everything in triplicate.Sharpens my pencil every day.

Outgoing in the outgoing box.Incoming in the incoming box.

Who could ask for
anything more?

But corporal tosecond lieutenant?

There's gottabe an answer.

A reward for heroism.Something.

Like throwing himselfon a live grenade.

I saw him throw himselfon a case of rotten Spam.

Ate the whole thing.

I'd like to see the boy getahead, but it's so cockeyed.

-Maybe Colonel Blakeput him in for it.-And it just took time.

-Yeah.
-I'm gonna check
with I Corps.

Oh, I wouldn't
do that, Colonel.

Uh, you start, uh,challenging their decisions,

they get cranky.

I better check.

-Um, uh, Woody.
-Yeah.

The-the guy to call isMaster Sergeant Woodruff.

Know him personally?

Uh, his, uh, mother and minewere in the U.S.O.

Entertainers?

No, uh, jelly doughnuts.

I hate jelly doughnuts.

-Radar!
-Oh, he's, uh--

-Oh, the lieutenant isstill delivering the mail.-Yeah.

How do you start
this confounded thing?

-That's a mystery.
-Only two people can
work that thing.

Radar and Sergeant Marconi.

Yeah, you'll never get him.

Hello? I Corps?
Got him.

Oh, good.

POTTER:Master Sergeant Woodruff.

He's probably not there.

No, he's there.

Sergeant Woodruff.

Oh, yes, Colonel Potter.

4077 MASH.
Yes, Colonel.

The O'Reilly promotion?

Oh, I'll, uh,
I'll look it up, sir.

Yes, sir,
I have it right here.

Uh, efficiency,
punctuality,

and bugling over and abovethe call of duty.

Thank you, Sergeant.

-The promotion's legitimate.-The promotion's legitimate.

-Oh, really?
-Bugling?

My horse can buglebetter than him.

Maybe your horse is
up for promotion, too.

-From gelding to stud.
-That'd be unusual.

Forty years inthis man's army,

I've never seen a soldierpromoted because of his lips.

If he could play tuba,
he'd make colonel.

I'm just kidding, Colonel.Just, you know, joking.

Kagan.

Uh, I'm sorry.

Thanks.

This is mine.

That's mine.

Look at the mark.
Can't you read Korean?

Tall man, black hair,
snotty attitude.

This is yours. See?

Taller man, many teeth,
use extra soap on shorts.

I resent that.You could eat off my shorts.

Hi, guys.
Sirs.

Oh, dear, is it time
for your rumba lesson?

No, I just come over
to show you somethin'.

Don't tell me.
You're growing sideburns.

Continental,yet depraved.

Come on.I don't have sideburns.

Look.

You're letting
your armpits grow.

Look again.

Got a hickey?

Harder.

Hawkeye, Radar'sa second lieutenant!

[chuckles]

I thought it was
a laundry mark.

-Congratulations!
-Thanks a lot.
It's a real surprise.

I'm tellin' ya, it just
come right out of the blue.

Oh, I'm not surprised,the way you've been workin'.

Totin' that barge,
liftin' that bale.

Not getting drunkand landin' in jail.

-Had to happen.
-It was in the cards.

[chuckles]
Yeah.

What's he doing inofficers' country?

Careful, Frank.Check the collar.

That's blasphemy.

You can be shot for
impersonating an officer!

They haven't shot
you yet, Frank.

Oh, don't sass me, fella!
I'm turning him in.

You'll hang from the highestyardarm in this man's Army.

Frank, yardarm is Navy.

Gendarme is Army.

Sir, look.

I don't understand this.

A short, nearsighted,
uneducated,

lower-class clerk
makes lieutenant?

That's Frank's way of
saying "congratulations".

Oh, thank you, sir.

-Now, O.R. Shortages.
-"Shortages."

Sulfa, I.V. Tubing,
rubber gloves,

masks, sutures,

four-oh silk.

You got that,Lieutenant O'Reilly?

Uh, yes, ma'am.

"Lieutenant O'Reilly."I'll never get used to that.

Me neither.

Jenkie bottoms,
when I made corporal,

I broke out in hives.

Tell me the truth, O'Reilly.

Do you have a relative--

distant relativewho's maybe a general,

an admiral, big brass?

My Uncle Howard's
a notary public.

Anybody can bea notary public.

He's also a
dance instructor.

Nitwit.

Uh, okay, ma'am.

I'll go to supply
and get this stuff.

Negative!

What-a-tive?

You are commissioned.

You do not perform
menial tasks.

Designate authority,
Lieutenant O'Reilly.

Get some enlisted men
and start in Supply,

and take care of the O.R.

Yes, ma'am.
Uh, ma'am?

Now what?

Is it okay if I try
the officers' latrine?

Of course.

Oh, boy!"National Geographic!"

Okay, guys, up, up.

Oh, buzz off, O'Reilly.

-Oh, come on.
-Shove.

Hey, look,
I hate to do this,

but, uh, I gotta
give you an order.

You guys gotta take
some stuff over to O.R.

Never fails, right, Igor?

You make a guy an officer,and he turns into a fink.

Ain't it the way?

Does he remember when youlent him that Oh Henry bar

-for the movies?
-Uh-uh.

Does he remember all thatgood garbage you gave him

-for his hamster?
-Beats me.

-Exactly.
-Come on, Zale.

Just because a guy
makes officer

doesn't mean you gotta
walk all over him.

Look, I'm gonna tell youonce more, Tiny Tim.

Shove.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah?
Okay!

I'll tell you
what you do.

You take this
and you fill that out.

Then you deliver it
to O.R., okay?

And that's an order!

I'd really appreciate it.Thanks a lot, guys.

Radar.

Look, see?

I'm an officer now.
I'm allowed to do that.

So I heard.And you're not allowed.

No, uh, ma'am,
you remember when you
caught me in your towel,

and you said you
wanted to kiss me?

Well, it's legal now,

and I'd really like to
try it at least once.

Lieutenant,you don't understand.

I love the underdog.

I used to root for theSaint Louis Browns.

What happened to
you and me and you?

Lieutenant,you still don't understand.

You're no longerforbidden fruit.

-I'm not?
-Mm-mm.

I'm confused.

You liked me.Now you don't like me?

MAN [on P.A.]:
Lieutenant O'Reilly, report to Colonel Potter.

Uh, Lieutenant,
the colonel is paging you.

I mean, just becauseI got a new uniform?

-I've got bars?
-MAN: Radar!

That's--Ooh, that's me!

MAN: Report to Colonel Potter.

I'm not a clerk.
I'm a medic.

Every time I answer the phone,I gotta take off an earring!

Maybe you shouldn't
wear the earrings.

Just because
you're a lieutenant

don't make you a
fashion consultant.

Crazy Army.

Wish I could hear
through my nose.

Well, is Klinger gettingthe hang of the job?

He's doing
just fine, sir.

If you need me,I'll be lancing a boil.

Yes, sir.

Okay, let's get going,
Klinger.

Call me "Corporal."

Why?

I have to call you
"Lieutenant."

Not when we're alone.
Criminies.

You know me, Lieutenant.I'm G.I., all the way.

I go by the book.

Wearing dresses?

But always in
the best taste.

Let's get on
with this stuff.

First, there's the radio.

See this switch here?
That turns on the power.

-See the little red light?-Cute.

Okay, now, I just wanna
review for a second.

What's this little
red light mean?

Tinker Bell's alive?

Come on.
Be serious!

Jeez, when I'm out doingsecond lieutenant stuff,

you're in charge here.

Joy to the world.

[sighs]All right now, look.

This whole thing also runsthe P.A. System, right?

Now watch me, please,

because I'm-I'm gonna makean announcement, okay?

This-this switch here,you switch to P.A.

See?

Okay, now you pick this up.You hold it like this.

All right?

Now before you talkor anything, you test it.

You blow.

[blowing air]

Announcement coming over.

If the war's over,

meet me under the clockat Grand Central in 10 years.

We'll go dancing.

I lead.

Then you buy.

RADAR [on PA]:
This is just a test.

Testing, testing.
Five, four...

If I'd known there was
gonna be a test today,

I'd have studied.

RADAR [on PA]:
Testing, testing.

See? Okay, now,why don't you try one.

-[blowing]
-No, no, no, no,

that's too wet.You'll get it all rusty.

-How'd the boil go, Sherm?-Gangbusters.

You call the old man
Sherm?

Oh, sure, officersalways call each otherby their first name.

-What'd you call me?-Colonel, sir, colonel.

He's a little crankywhen he, uh, lances a boil.

Here, now you tryan announcement.

-Like what?-Oh, the movie tonight.

Here, just read
what's on this paper.

Will this make me a star?

Aw, come on.
Stop horsin' around.

Attention, all personnel.

Hold it.

-Now what?
-You forgot to blow.

-[blowing]-No, no, don't spit. Blow.

I'm Lebanese.

We're full of
the juices of life!

Attention,all personnel.

The movie for tonight,"One Ticket to Broadway,"

starring Lyle Bennett,

Mitzi Price,Leonard W. Grossman,

And Teddy,the Wonder Lizard.

Come on!There's no lizard in there.

Will you stop
foolin' around?!

There's no lizard
in that picture.

That was"Two Lizards to Broadway."

Oh, for Pete's sakes, Klinger,can't you do anything right?

Get off my back,
Lieutenant!

You're just jealous!

I hope you choke
on them bars!

Oh, yeah?
Let's do a test!

[blowing]

Too wet!
[blowing]

You're right!

[blowing]

Halt!
Who goes there?

LieutenantWalter O'Reilly.

-Hey, wait a minute--
-Password.

-Where's Igor?
-Wrong.

Igor, for Pete's sake,get up. Come on.

What's the matter?

You're on guard duty.

You could be shot!

Why, did the kid
fall asleep?

What if an officercaught you?

HOULIHAN:
An officer did.

What is this childdoing with a rifle?

-Password.
-Oh, shut up.

Wrong again.

Put this man on report,Lieutenant O'Reilly.

Now, you see the troubleyou got me into?

Lucky for you
I wasn't asleep.

They'd have shot you.
Fink.

Look at this.

"R.J. Hardlidge has beennamed nudist of the year."

-Great credentials.
-[knocking]

Entre vous.

A born head waiter.

-Sirs?-What do you want, shavetail?

Uh, sir, I-I wannatalk to the captains.

You little snip.

You just wanna talk about mebehind my back, don't you?

No, sir,I wanna talk about me,sir, behind my back.

Frank, will you excuse us?

I'm plucking the hair
from my mole.

Do it Sunday.
I'll serve cocktails.

Come on, Frank.
Beat it.

Nerts.

HAWKEYE: Why don't yougo talk to Margaret?

You know, I think I sawMargaret out walking before.

With her whip.

Wearing boots.

Gee, maybe she wants
to be friends again.

I thought he'd
never leave.

What's up, motorman?

Hawkeye...

[sighs]
I got a big problem.

You're chafing again.
I told you, keep dry.

And plenty of talcum.

No, no, no, it's up here.I'm goin' loony.

Insanity is just
a state of mind.

What's up?

Well, you know, the firsttime somebody salutes you,

it's really swell.

But now...
jeez, Zale hates me.

Igor hates me.Klinger really hates me.

I mean, holy cow.

I'm not one of
the guys anymore.

And I don't fit in with
the officers, either.

When I was enlisted,I kept wishin' I was an officer.

Now I'm an officer,
and I hate it.

The brass is
always greener.

Klinger's got my old job,

and he's spitting
in the microphone.

Puts the red folders
with the blue folders.

He made a choker out ofmy typewriter ribbon.

And, jeez,
I'm so lonesome.

All I got is...

-Your teddy bear?
-Yeah.

Would you like to bean enlisted man again?

Can you guys do that?

We're doctors.
It's an easy operation.

Simply have somebodyremove your bars.

How low would you
like to get busted?

No lower than corporal.

That way, I can
keep up the payments

on my mom's electrolysis.

Good thinking.

Cheer up, soldier.Your demotion is in the bag.

Congratulations.You're no longer a gentleman.

Can I take these off now?

No, I wouldn't.Uh, you could get in trouble.

An officer impersonatingan enlisted man.

Yeah.

-Hawkeye, thank you.
-It's okay, Radar.

-Thank you, B.J.
-Sure.

Gee, how can I
ever thank you?

Well, you can give us
your firstborn.

And an order of fries.

-You know any fast girls?-You know any slow ones?

Mmm... oh, boy.

Like it?

Oh, yes,it's really swell.

Except I'm sweatingall over the mail.

I have to go on duty now.

I'll, uh,
see you tomorrow.

Right.

Well, what if youdon't get any mail?

Wing it, stud.

Okay.

-So? So?
What happened?
-Aw, come on.

What, uh, what did
you do in there?

First base? Second? Third?Home plate?

Come on!
I don't kiss and tell.

Aw, he struck out.

[indistinct chatter]

[theme music playing]