All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S04E17 - Der Tag (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

[groaning]

FRANK: No, no, operator.
Listen to me closely, please.

Well, I told you three times.
Will you get it straight?

Not the Hairywood Hotel.
The Hollywood Hotel, in Tokyo.

On Showadori Street.
Showa...

Well, however you say it.

Ohh...

Moron.

Major Margaret Houlihan.
I'll wait, yes.

Margaret, it's me-- Frank.

Well, I can't talk louder.
I'm in Radar's office,

and he's sleeping
just a few feet from me.

God knows what filth
he's dreaming.

Margaret, puss,

I've been trying
to get you for five hours.

Are you all right?
Where have you been?

Oh, well, the nurses'
seminar lasted forever.

Captain Parish gave a talk

on earwax problems
in the artillery.

Dr. Nyler gave a talk
on peristaltic rhythm.

Last year, he nearly won
the Nobel Prize for dysentery.

And then he also gave
a talk on suppositories:

"The Bullet of Health."

But it's 3:00 in the morning.
I was getting worried.

Were you, Frank?

Oh, I called and I called.

I thought maybe you'd
been in a rickshaw wreck.

Eh, those drivers get
running in the rain

and their glasses steam up.

The glass.
Wash the glass.

Well, after the seminar,
some of the girls,

-the nurses, and Fred...
-Fred?

Went out for a bite
on the Ginza.

Margaret, who's Fred?

I thought it was
a nurses' seminar.

He's a physical therapist.
Nice, but dumb.

He hasn't got a brain
in his whole body.

Margaret, why do you say
"body" like that?

What do you know
about his body?

Body.

He's just a big, strong kid.

He crushed a beer can
with two fingers.

Oh, show-off. Once I killed
a gopher with a stick.

What'd you do?
Where'd you go?

We all went to a bathhouse.

And where was Fred?

Well, we didn't
see much of him.

He likes to stay underwater.

[laughs]

Margaret, I-- What?

All right, operator.
Right away.

They're gonna cut
us off, pumpkin.

Our time's up.

Oh, I miss you so much.
Hurry back.

I got a new
Andre Kostelanetz record.

It's called "Two Alone."

Yeah, we'll put it
on in your tent,

and I'll crush a beer can
with my knees.

Margaret. Margaret?

Margaret. Oh, Margaret.

Oh, shut up.

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

Ralph Kiner has just hit

his 47th home run
of the season,

and Corporal Murphy
has just struck out

in the laundry room.

Gimme a lap sponge here.

-Colonel Potter?
-Captain Pierce.

I think it's only fair
to tell you that this
is my last patient.

-For today?
-For forever.

-So you're leaving.
-All I need is a doggy bag

filled with our cook's
famous unborn hash

and a jeep with a full tank.

I'll drive north
up through Mongolia,

take a right at Siberia.

I may have a little trouble
crossing the Bering Straits,

but after that
it's downhill all the way.

Especially if you
have the lights.

-Right.
-We'll set it up after lunch.

-Can we have
some quiet in here?
-Don't bleed so loud.

It's like operating
with a broken record
going around and around.

[mocking]
And around and around.

-Colonel!
-Major.

I do wish you'd
exercise your command.

I only exercise it
once a month.

I don't want
to get muscle-bound.

-Thanks a heap.
-[clatter]

-Oh, terrific, Kellye.
-Sorry, Doctor.

-You think
I dropped it, don't you?
-I didn't say that, sir.

It's obvious you thought so
the moment I dropped it!

[laughing]

Come on in here.
We can talk better.

-Radar, no calls.
-Yes, sir.

Me too.

Gentlemen,
I need your help.

Command me, sire.

If it's shorts you want,
you can have my other pair.

Of course, they need
a little work.

No horsin' around now.
I'm serious.

So am I.
Take my shorts and let the
chips fall where they may.

Frank Burns is driving
everybody nuts,

ever since Major Houlihan
went to Tokyo.

-He even made Klinger cry.
-The cad.

Told him his platform shoes
made him look like a tramp.

Well, you've seen him in O.R.

-All thumbs.
-And two of 'em up his nose.

Colonel, you've only been
around him for a few months.

He's been a boil on my butt
for a hundred years.

Then let's lance
that boil.

The man feels
totally friendless.

He is.

As a favor to me and
for the good of the unit,

be nice to him.

Buddy up to him.
Treat him like a pal.

You must have
something in common.

True.
We hate each other.

Hawkeye, B.J., I'm begging ya.

Who could resist
those big colonel eyes?

Your bet, Father.

No help
from the pit boss
in the sky.

I call your two
and raise five dollars.

Hmm. Bye-bye.

-Five bucks?
-Too rich for my blood.

Oh, come to Papa.

Where'd you learn to
play poker, Father?

Eddie Bertolucci.

Knew him well.

First man to ride
a caraway seed

down the alimentary canal.

Actually,
he was a mailman.

When he passed
the civil service,

I blessed his feet.

Half-a-buck ante.
Straight draw.

There's mine.

Who said you could
play poker in here?

I did, Burns.

Enjoy your game, sir.

[giggling]

Keep your enlisted
giggles to yourself.

-Yes, sir. -Pot's light.

-I'm in.
-I'm in.

[whistles]

Oh. Oh, yeah, it's me.

I was watching Major Burns
untie his boots.

And he does it
without a safety net.

Dizzy simp.

-Oh, come on.
-Go on.

-Frank?
-I don't have to take that!

Why don't you get in
the game with us?

Oh, thanks a lot.
I know when I'm not wanted.

No, come on, Frank.
We really want you.

-Me?
-Yeah, come on, Frank.
We don't mind.

Get Frank a drink, B.J.

-Yes, sir.
-Park it right here.

I don't know much
about poker.

Louise and I mostly played
whist at the Moose Hall.

I read that in
Cholly Knickerbocker.

Go easy on that rotgut.
It'll pickle your giblets.

-Half a buck ante, Frank.
-Mmm.

B.J.: A snapper purse?

Oh, it says no
to pickpockets
with a capital N.

-Get Mr. Ravenal a refill.
-Here you are.

Anybody else for
pickled giblets?

Oh, no, thank you.
I've had it.

-Straight draw, Frank. -Well, I
don't know
much about the game.

You get five cards.
Keep your best.

You know, pair,
three of a kind, et cetera.

Then you draw,
discard your garbage,

and keep your best five.

Any dumb Dora
knows that.

It's nice and lemony.

You had lemons
in there, Hawkeye?

We threw in a couple
of cough drops.

Is this jacks or better?

Sí, señor.

I can't open.

-Nope.
-HAWKEYE: Father?

I open for a dollar.

Bye-bye.

-I'm in. -Frank?

Well, what do I say if I want
to say I think I can win?

How about "So long"?

Just say "call."

Then I say, "call."

Me too.

How many cards
you want, Radar?

Two. Three. Uh, four.

Brilliant devil.
He's obviously got
one of a kind.

-Klinger?
-Two beauties, please.

Can I have another
lemon squash?

-Comin' up, Tex.
-Best keep your wits
about you, Major.

Oh, don't worry about me, sir.
I got a hollow head.

-Father?
-I'll take two, please.

One off the top,
if you don't mind.

Frank?

Don't bother me now.
I'm busy!

How many cards
do you want?

These will suit me
just fine.

Oh.

-Watch him.
-Uh-oh.

He's bluffing.

Dealer takes three.

Father, you open.

I'll bet a dollar.

And up a half.

Frank?

Fifty dollars!

Fifty dollars?

Five-dollar limit,
poker face.

Well, five dollars, then.

Okay, I'm in.

Gee, I was gonna
buy a war bond.

Radar, what's more important?
The card game or the war?

B.J.:
You can play war anytime.

Okay, I'll stay.

I'll stay.

Oh, dear.

That's $5.50 to me.

I'll call, and may the Lord
have mercy on my cards.

Same deal for me, Lord.

[mouthing]

What do I do now?
Can I bet again?

No, you can't!
He always wants to bet.

We called your hand, Frank.
Let's see your cards.

Ah.

-Ay.
-A heart flush.

Did I win?

It's all yours, Frank.

[laughing]

You sure you've never been
on this boat before?

[laughing]

HAWKEYE:
Ten high straight, Frank.

-[all groaning]
-B.J.: Ah!

-Jacks full of deuces.
-RADAR: Holy!

Me again? [laughs]

Father, would you pull
your collar over your ears?

I have a few
filthy words to say.

I'm broke.

There goes the zircon
for my belly button.

Peg will kill me.

Gee, I must've won about
two hundred dollars.

I'd like to join in more
fun things with you guys.

Okay, you're invited to our
sack race in the minefield.

[laughing]

♪♪ [ragtime]

You're dancing better.

I'm learning by mail.

You wanna dip?

You might hurt yourself.

I can jump out of the way.

So this is customary, huh?

Oh, yeah. The winner
always buys the booze.

[giggles]

Can I make a personal remark?

Is it about your breath?

Up till tonight,

I always thought you were low,
filthy scum.

And we always thought
you were a rotten
fink, until tonight.

-And perhaps tomorrow.
-[giggling]

-Maybe forever.
-[giggling]

What a nice thought.
[giggling]

Oh, doughboys, one and all.

Buddies at the front.

I had my eye on that
for a long time.

-Radar?
-Nurse Kellye.

-Nurse Kelly? -Yeah!

The curve of her
gluteus maximus.

The red fullness
of her lips.

You're drooling, Frank.
Would you like a lobster bib?

Well, here goes nothin'.

[chuckles]

[imitating
Frank's laugh]

Can a fella cut in?

-Who?
-Me.

Oh, uh, yes, sir.

Nurse Kellye!

[chuckles]

I think it's fair to tell you

that I've admired you
for some time now,

and in more than
a professional manner.

-Oh, thank you, sir.
-Ha!

You're really
a hotsie-totsie.

Come on.
Pep it up, Father.

Let's liven up
the party, huh?

♪♪

[bell ringing, coins pouring]

He's okay. He's just
rusty at having fun.

Careful.

Yeah, I'd never forgive
myself if I dropped him.

What's goin' on?

Helping an old lady
across the street.

He O.D.'d on
bourbon and Kelly.

I appreciate what
you boys are doing.

Things are gonna be
much better around here.

-Only if we bury him.
-I'd buy that.

Here you go.

There you go.

Wait, wait.
Not on me! Not on me!

B.J.: Gangway.

-[groaning]
-Easy.

Now, don't wake him up.
Don't wake him up.

Don't you feel
like a hypocrite?

Like kissing Hitler
on the mouth.

I'm tired of being nice
to this khaki specimen.

[imitating Frank's giggle]

[laughing]

Let's close the case.

[laughing]

You got a toe tag?

[laughing]

[laughing]

W-What are you writing?

"Emotionally exhausted."

And morally bankrupt.

[both laughing]

[laughing]

Not too tight.

We don't wanna cut
off his ice water.

[laughing]

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, I don't know whether to
sleep in my filthy clothes

or put on my filthy jammies.

I don't know whether
I don't care

or I don't care.

[laughs]

Heart flush.

Doesn't know which end is up
and he gets a heart flush.

I'd like to give
his heart a flush.

-[door slams]
-Halt! Who goes there?

[slurred]
I gotta go to the john!

You gotta give me
the password, heart flush.

Bursting bladder!

Close enough for jazz.

Be nice to the rats.
It's their mating season.

[door closes]

♪ Swanee

♪ How I love ya
how I love ya ♪

♪ My dear ol'...

[horn blaring]

What do you got?
Wounded?

Come on.
Let's get 'em in.

Okay, you got it.

In here.

-What's your hurry?
-We gotta get back
to the front.

Major?

Holy moley!

Out, Radar, or I'll turn you
into a lamp base.

Major Burns has got the duty,
and I can't find him anywhere.

Try the latrine.

I did. He hasn't even
taken the wrapper

off his new
National Geographic.

He's not in camp.

Gee, maybe he's
been captured.

Let's find
that enemy soldier

and give him
a nice tip.

What's ten percent
of Frank Burns?

You try Major Houlihan's
tent?

Yeah, it's got a big
padlock on the door.

Well, does it look like
it's been cried on?

I remember you guys
carried him back in here.

We dumped him on his bed.

He was sound asleep.

Oh, I better report
to Colonel Potter.

Or you could report
to Colonel Potter.

How do you figure?

We carried him in here,
laid him out.

Didn't we take
his boots off?

We must've.
My eyes are still burning.

Oh, come on, guys.
No horsin' around now.

What've you done with Burns?

We did what you said.

We showed him a
good time, right?

-Right. -He's disappeared!

It's his way of saying
"Thank you."

Radar, you say Klinger
saw him go to the latrine?

-Yes, sir.
-Did he hear a splash
or anything?

[telephone ringing]

4077 MASH.

Uh, sir, it's, uh,
Captain Saunders.

Battalion Aid Station.

-Nick, how you doin'?
-Not bad, Colonel.

Listen, I think I have one
of your officers up here.

He's out cold, but his dog tags
read, uh, "Frank Burns."

-What?
-Skinny guy.

Uh, no chin, big pores.

-Is he wounded?
-No wounds.

Uh, but his toe tag
reads, uh, uh,

"Emotionally exhausted
and morally bankrupt."

Whatever the hell
that means.

"Emotionally exhausted?"

And morally bankrupt.

You guys pull a fast one,

put a toe tag
on Burns last night?

We addressed him,
but we didn't mail him.

I'd appreciate it
mightily, Nick,

if you'd ship him
back down here to us.

I'd like to help
you out, Colonel,

but we're a little short
on wheels up here.

We only have enough
room for the wounded.

If you want him, you're gonna
have to come get him.

Okay, Nick,
I understand.

So long.

They do not deliver.

Can they hold him
on layaway?

They've got their hands full.

Somebody's gotta go get him.

I need two volunteers.

Pierce and Hunnicutt.

Why don't we
go tell them?

Practical jokes.

I'm glad I'm not one.

Hey, come on!

Why do you always
keep me waiting?

-You know I hate to be late.
-Sorry.

And that's
what you're wearing?
That looks terrible.

You wore that the last time
we went to the front.

I thought we might
need some Fig Newtons.

Oh, good idea.

We can spit seeds
at the enemy.

Let's move, Kato.

-POTTER: Ready?
-Ready, sir.

To Lieutenant General
Harrison Hardcastle.

Letterman General Hospital.
San Francisco, California.

Dear General, I was not aware
that your daughter, Amanda,

was selling subscriptions
to McCall'smagazine.

Please put me down
for two years.

Militarily yours,
Colonel Sherman Potter.

Et cetera, et cetera.

This general
helps his daughter
sell magazines, sir?

It's the old Army game.
At Fort Leavenworth,

I had a four-year subscription
to his wife's cupcakes.

-[telephone ringing]
-I got it.

Colonel Potter here.
MASH 4077.

Nick Saunders, Colonel.

We got a pretty
big party up here.

Lots of heavy stuff.

[explosion]

[coughs] Uh, Colonel?

Yeah, I wish you
could help me, too.

No, no, listen,
we might be overrun,

so you better keep
your people away from here.

Right, Nick, thanks.
Good luck, guy.

They're under attack.

Pierce and Hunnicutt are
walking into a holocaust.

Oh, golly.

You said it, brother.

[explosion]

This kid doesn't need a doctor.
He needs a farmer.

-B.J.:
We'll have to clean him up.
-HAWKEYE: Yeah, I'll do it.

Nice location you got here,
Captain Saunders.

Hmm, you think so?

Any closer, you could be
in a Chinese draft board.

Am I gonna be
all right, Doc?

Nobody gets out of
paying his bill with me.

Better start you on some
plasma right now. Medic!

We're all out of strawberry.
You'll have to take vanilla.

-Set that up right away.
-Okay, Doc.

-What do ya got?
-Took one in the stomach.

Oh, boy.
Pressure bandage!

[Frank moaning]

Hmm, yeah.

NICK: That guy can sleep
through anything.

Yeah, he's embalmed
in bourbon.

[explosion]

-Cover the wounded!
-Ahh.

Medic!
Get me a suture setup!

No, no, no, Captain,
this isn't a MASH.

You, uh, get him
stable if you can,

then just put him
on a chopper.

Right.
Why don't we wake up Frank?

-He'd be some help.
-Ah, leave him alone.

As a doctor, he's hitting
his peak right now.

-Come on, Frank.
-Up.

[straining]

Oh, whoa.

[strains]

He's heavier.

It's all our money.

We're always
carrying this guy.

I've been carrying
him for years.

-Lay him down gently.
-Why?

It's a good thing
you don't come C.O.D.

[sighs]

[exhales deeply]

Well, now you've
seen an aid station.

What do you think?

Beats hell out of
Bermuda off-season.

[sighs]
Say good night, Gracie.

Good night, Gracie.

Captain Hunnicutt,
Colonel P-- Cap--

Oh, Major Burns, sir,
you've got the duty.

Huh? Oh, right.

Well, another day,
another dollar.

-Hawkeye?
-Huh?

Uh, Colonel Potter wants
to see you right away.

There's nothing like
a 15-second nap.

-B.J., Colonel Potter.
-Naturally.

Ah, come on,
you sleepyheads!

Up and at 'em.

Oh, buzz off, Frank!

Get lost.

I don't understand.
You hate me again.

What's not to hate?

We were such pals,
last night.

It was a dream, Frank.

All a dream.

No, it wasn't! I was popular!

And don't you deny it!

[raspberry]

-Major Houlihan! -Major Burns.

What a lovely surprise.

Here, let me help
you with your bag.

I could bite
your clusters off.

How was your, uh,
seminar in Tokyo?

-Worthwhile?
-Very informative, yes.

Oh, you'd be amazed at
the things they're doing

with suppositories
these days.

-Oh, how was the weather?
-Lovely.

-Oh, Margaret,
Margaret, Margaret!
-Frank, Frank, Frank!

Oh, it's heaven to see you.

Oh, you taste so good.

Well, I had a sardine
sandwich on the plane.

Tell me everything.
Tell me everything!

Everything?
Oh, it's been el bore-o.

I trimmed the hair
in my ears one night.

That's the only time
I stopped thinking about you.

And they showed that
Sonja Henie hygiene film:

-Of Ice and Lice.
-My poor baby.

The marines stole
The Jolson Story,

and they won't
give it back.

Well, now that I'm here,
we'll make our own fun.

[chuckles] Did you
bring me a present, hmm?

-You silly billy.
-[giggling]

Close your eyes.

Oh, Margaret! Glazed plums!

I saw them in a window.
I said, "That's Frank."

You're mad.

Margaret, I'm on fire.

What can I do
to put you out?

I gotta go on hospital duty.

Oh, well,
there's always later.

I hear the peace talks
are going badly.

We can only hope.

And then we went to see
a play at the Kabuki.

I can't pronounce it
in Japanese, but it means

"Geisha girl,
the samurai have arrived

"to take you
to the dance."

We? You mean you
and the girls?

And Fred. Fred.

-Fred-Fred?
-Fred, Frank.

Anyway,
he understands Japanese

and has the most beautiful
samurai sword.

Samurai sword?
Well, where did you see it?

I-- Does he wear it
around or what?

He has a picture of it
in his wallet.

Trouble in paradise?

One can only hope.

Suppose a rabbit died?

Looks to me like she's
having lunch with him.

♪♪ [theme]