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00:00:02,263 --> 00:00:04,482
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:51,486 --> 00:00:52,487
♪♪ [ragtime]
3
00:01:28,914 --> 00:01:31,003
What's that step
you're doing, Radar?
4
00:01:31,047 --> 00:01:32,744
You'll have to ask
Nurse Kellye, sir.
5
00:01:32,788 --> 00:01:33,963
She's leading.
6
00:01:36,792 --> 00:01:39,360
[sigh] Another thrilling
night of festivity
7
00:01:39,403 --> 00:01:41,057
in South Korea.
8
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,798
Hawkeye, if you
had your choice,
9
00:01:42,841 --> 00:01:45,105
where would you like
to be tonight?
10
00:01:45,148 --> 00:01:46,454
In the whole world,
Father?
11
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Uh-huh.
12
00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:50,197
Back in my tent
shaving my corns.
13
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,068
Why don't you go do it?
14
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,852
I'm saving it
for the holidays.
15
00:01:55,419 --> 00:01:57,204
Bartender!
16
00:01:57,247 --> 00:01:59,380
A man comes off
a dusty cattle drive,
17
00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:00,729
can't even get a drink.
18
00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:01,991
Coming, sir.
19
00:02:02,034 --> 00:02:04,602
Just keep moving.
I'll catch up.
20
00:02:04,646 --> 00:02:07,562
You're new around here,
ain't you, fella?
21
00:02:07,605 --> 00:02:09,955
You better smile
when you say that.
22
00:02:11,827 --> 00:02:12,741
Come on.
23
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,222
Come on!
24
00:02:18,007 --> 00:02:19,965
Say, ain't you
the new schoolmarm?
25
00:02:20,009 --> 00:02:22,185
-Yes, sir.
-You want to fight?
26
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:24,448
I would, sir, but I have
such delicate features.
27
00:02:24,492 --> 00:02:25,841
Uh-huh.
28
00:02:25,884 --> 00:02:28,191
Ah, this mad, gay nightlife.
29
00:02:31,238 --> 00:02:34,241
I think I'll get into
my plaid knickers,
30
00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:37,331
wind up the '32 Packard,
31
00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:39,115
and run up to Newport
32
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,030
for croquet
with the Vanderbilts.
33
00:02:43,815 --> 00:02:46,427
Writing home again?
That's your third
letter this week.
34
00:02:46,470 --> 00:02:48,385
Only way
I can keep my sanity.
35
00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:49,952
If you want sanity,
you can have mine.
36
00:02:49,995 --> 00:02:51,388
God knows,
I'm not using it.
37
00:02:55,523 --> 00:02:57,307
Radar, do you do the Peabody?
38
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Not while I'm dancing, sir.
39
00:03:01,442 --> 00:03:03,400
Farewell, you mad fools!
40
00:03:03,444 --> 00:03:05,968
I'll be in my tent having a
martini with a lizard.
41
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:10,320
[thinking] You can really go
out of your skull here, Peg.
42
00:03:10,364 --> 00:03:13,280
There's just nothing to do
when you're not working.
43
00:03:13,323 --> 00:03:15,586
I remember reading
Justice Holmes.
44
00:03:15,630 --> 00:03:18,328
He said, "War
is an organized bore."
45
00:03:18,372 --> 00:03:21,070
Which brings me
to Major Frank Burns,
46
00:03:21,113 --> 00:03:23,028
not one of our best doctors.
47
00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:25,030
Hawkeye says he
became a surgeon
48
00:03:25,074 --> 00:03:27,729
after he washed out
at embalmers school.
49
00:03:27,772 --> 00:03:29,383
This morning,
he was operating
50
00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:31,080
on a kid named Davis,
51
00:03:31,123 --> 00:03:32,821
and I was the
anesthesiologist.
52
00:03:32,864 --> 00:03:35,040
Sometimes you have
to double in gas here.
53
00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:37,304
More suction, nurse.
Come on, stop daydreaming!
54
00:03:37,347 --> 00:03:39,436
You're there to assist
the doctor, Lieutenant.
55
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,699
Give her a doctor, Margaret,
she'll assist him.
56
00:03:41,743 --> 00:03:43,266
-Frank?
-Hmm.
57
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:44,789
Pulse is weakening,
blood pressure dropping.
58
00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:46,269
Well, I'm doing
everything I can.
59
00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:48,663
This soldier's a mess.
Gee williewockers!
60
00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:49,925
Sewer mouth.
61
00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:51,666
Why must you ride him?
62
00:03:51,709 --> 00:03:54,103
I'll stop soon.
I only paid for an hour.
63
00:03:54,146 --> 00:03:56,975
-No pulse.
-Well, then that's that.
64
00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:58,629
What do you mean,
that's that? Do something!
65
00:03:58,673 --> 00:04:00,196
He didn't have
a chance anyway.
66
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,415
You can't just give up!
67
00:04:01,458 --> 00:04:04,069
Have you no respect
for the dead?
68
00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:06,202
Cover the belly, Kellye.
Bag him, Frank!
69
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,291
You're not supposed
to tell me what to do.
70
00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:10,250
Bag.
71
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:11,816
Try open heart massage.
72
00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,165
We can do it closed.
73
00:04:13,209 --> 00:04:14,558
I saw it done back
in the States. Bag!
74
00:04:14,602 --> 00:04:15,907
Good. I'd rather
not open his chest.
75
00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:17,344
Bag him once
every five beats.
76
00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:18,780
You're going over
my head, Hunnicutt!
77
00:04:18,823 --> 00:04:20,434
Everything's over
your head, Frank.
78
00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:22,305
Bag!
79
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:23,959
Nothing. Hah!
80
00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:25,743
Come on, you! Come on!
81
00:04:25,787 --> 00:04:27,179
Come on! Come on!
82
00:04:27,223 --> 00:04:28,485
Enjoying your dramatics?
83
00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:29,791
Bag!
84
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,056
Bag!
85
00:04:38,321 --> 00:04:40,062
Hey, I'm getting a pulse.
86
00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:44,632
Good.
87
00:04:46,416 --> 00:04:47,722
Better.
88
00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:50,551
It's going. [chuckle]
89
00:04:50,594 --> 00:04:51,943
Another unit
of whole blood.
90
00:04:51,987 --> 00:04:53,336
Getting stronger.
91
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:54,903
-Good work, Doctor.
-Thank you.
92
00:04:54,946 --> 00:04:56,861
Well, I'm not gonna
forget this, Hunnicutt.
93
00:04:56,905 --> 00:04:58,646
He did save
the patient, Major.
94
00:04:58,689 --> 00:05:00,387
It was the way
he did it.
95
00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:05,261
5:00 in the morning, Peg.
96
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:08,003
I was worried about Davis,
so I'm keeping tabs on him.
97
00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:10,310
He's still pretty much
up for grabs.
98
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,487
Mornin', Doc.
99
00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:15,010
Klinger.
100
00:05:15,053 --> 00:05:16,359
How's he doin'?
101
00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,143
Hanging in.
102
00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:20,494
Know anything
about dreams, Doc?
103
00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:23,061
I only know I wish
I were having one right now.
104
00:05:23,105 --> 00:05:24,976
I had one last night.
105
00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,500
I was holding this paper
106
00:05:26,543 --> 00:05:29,938
that said "Klinger is
hereby declared nuts.
107
00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:31,940
Signed, Colonel Potter."
108
00:05:31,983 --> 00:05:34,246
I was saying good-bye
to everybody.
109
00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:36,597
I even clipped a curl
of my hair off my chest
110
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,338
for Major Houlihan
to keep in her watch.
111
00:05:39,687 --> 00:05:42,037
She kissed me
right on the mouth.
112
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:45,736
Next thing I know, I'm in
San Francisco. Sprung! Free!
113
00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:48,348
There's this big parade.
Four bands.
114
00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:51,089
People carrying a banner
that says "Klinger's nuts!"
115
00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:52,526
Shh.
116
00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:57,095
Then I'm in Toledo
with my loved ones.
117
00:05:57,139 --> 00:05:58,967
And I own a delicatessen.
118
00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:02,187
Eight tables.
Individual relish jars.
119
00:06:02,231 --> 00:06:04,407
You'll never guess
who the waitress is.
120
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:06,278
Major Houlihan.
121
00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:08,629
And she's still got
my hair in her watch,
122
00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:11,719
pinned on a
see-through blouse.
123
00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:13,111
What does that mean, Doc?
124
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:17,942
Well, it just might mean
125
00:06:17,986 --> 00:06:19,248
that you wanna go home.
126
00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:20,728
I knew it.
127
00:06:20,771 --> 00:06:22,120
With Major Houlihan.
128
00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:23,078
Yecch!
129
00:06:24,514 --> 00:06:26,342
Good morning,
B.J., Klinger.
130
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,648
-Father.
-Father.
131
00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:29,171
-The same?
-Uh-huh.
132
00:06:29,214 --> 00:06:31,521
Oh, this dreadful war.
133
00:06:31,565 --> 00:06:33,480
The waste. The waste.
134
00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:35,438
You gonna stick around
a few minutes, doc?
135
00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:36,657
Yeah.
136
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,136
I'm gonna grab
some breakfast.
137
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:39,834
I won a real egg in
a poker game last night.
138
00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:41,139
Lucky devil.
139
00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:43,751
Uh, just a figure
of speech.
140
00:06:46,014 --> 00:06:47,668
No change.
141
00:06:49,278 --> 00:06:50,714
You seem jumpy, Father.
142
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:52,281
Would you like
a little phenobarb?
143
00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:53,891
Maybe 16 milligrams?
144
00:06:53,935 --> 00:06:56,111
I'd prefer a few
milligrams of prayer.
145
00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:57,721
The guys giving
you static?
146
00:06:57,765 --> 00:07:00,071
The static is
coming from higher up.
147
00:07:00,115 --> 00:07:01,595
The Lord teed off at you?
148
00:07:01,638 --> 00:07:03,379
Oh, God forbid.
149
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:06,687
No. Actually,
the difficulty lies
150
00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:09,603
between the Lord
and the troops.
151
00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:13,041
Colonel Maurice Hollister,
Divisional Chaplain.
152
00:07:13,084 --> 00:07:14,738
I don't know him.
153
00:07:14,782 --> 00:07:16,958
They call him Attila
the Hun of chaplains.
154
00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:19,656
He's coming here
this afternoon
155
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:22,442
to inspect me and the
operations of my flock.
156
00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:25,749
Don't sweat it.
Hawkeye says you're the best
chaplain in the business.
157
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:27,490
Did he really
say that about me?
158
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:28,535
Mm-hmm.
159
00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:32,060
That crazy agnostic.
160
00:07:34,018 --> 00:07:36,064
Do you need me, B.J.?
161
00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:37,631
Not till Sunday.
162
00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:40,416
Ah, if you do, I'll be
ironing my cassock.
163
00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:45,639
I'd better iron
my underwear, too.
164
00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:47,554
Hollister's very thorough.
165
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:50,774
Oh, the noise.
The people.
166
00:07:50,818 --> 00:07:52,080
B.J. What happened?
167
00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:53,647
Klinger ate a fresh egg.
168
00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:55,344
I just wrote
that to Peggy.
169
00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:56,606
I wouldn't try.
170
00:07:56,650 --> 00:07:57,999
It loses so much
in translation.
171
00:08:00,088 --> 00:08:02,743
He had it poached
172
00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:06,529
on a piece of toast
freshly baked in 1945.
173
00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:07,922
For a second, it brought
back the atmosphere
174
00:08:07,965 --> 00:08:09,401
of gracious dining
at Nedick's
175
00:08:09,445 --> 00:08:10,664
in Grand Central Station.
176
00:08:13,231 --> 00:08:14,711
I'm starved.
177
00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:16,017
You got any of that cake
your wife sent you?
178
00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:17,061
Yeah, sure.
179
00:08:25,330 --> 00:08:27,332
Elizabeth Taylor
married somebody
180
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:29,247
whose name
begins with N-I.
181
00:08:29,291 --> 00:08:30,640
-N-I?
-Nixon!
182
00:08:30,684 --> 00:08:33,295
Elizabeth Taylor married
our Vice President.
183
00:08:33,338 --> 00:08:34,688
Nicky Hilton.
184
00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:36,820
Nicky Hilton's our
Vice President now?
185
00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:40,563
Here you go.
186
00:08:40,607 --> 00:08:41,912
They also serve
who stay at home
187
00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:43,479
and bake cakes
for us to drink.
188
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,786
Hey, it's Peg's first
overseas package.
189
00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:49,877
Would you believe
that's Annie Get Your Gun?
190
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,879
I had no idea
Ethel Merman was so tall.
191
00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:53,054
[chuckle]
192
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:57,101
Chocolate Jockey shorts?
193
00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:59,626
The Hershey bars
melted on 'em.
194
00:08:59,669 --> 00:09:01,366
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
195
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:03,804
At 1330 hours, we'll
be holding the finals
196
00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:05,545
of the cockroach race
time trials.
197
00:09:05,588 --> 00:09:06,676
You going?
198
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,548
Nah, people who go
to those things
199
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,985
only want to see
a cockroach crash.
200
00:09:12,595 --> 00:09:14,031
Hawkeye just came in.
201
00:09:14,075 --> 00:09:16,033
He loved your cake.
202
00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:18,253
He's really one of a kind,
our Hawkeye.
203
00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:20,603
Finest kind, as he says.
204
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:22,605
Without him, I think
we'd all go nuts.
205
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:24,781
This morning,
he read inLife magazine
206
00:09:24,825 --> 00:09:26,435
where students at Cal Tech
207
00:09:26,478 --> 00:09:29,003
squeezed 15 people
into a Volkswagen.
208
00:09:29,046 --> 00:09:30,918
Hawkeye thought we could
beat the record.
209
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:32,441
[chatter]
210
00:09:32,484 --> 00:09:34,530
Nobody breathe for
the next ten minutes!
211
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:38,099
Let's have
no groping, please.
212
00:09:38,142 --> 00:09:40,362
All gropers will
report to my tent,
213
00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:42,277
and right after that,
the gropees.
214
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:43,539
Come on, get inside.
215
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,845
We're trying to
make a record.
216
00:09:44,888 --> 00:09:46,629
Okay, Gage, you're next.
Climb in.
217
00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:48,544
Oh, I don't want to.
I'm shy.
218
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,372
Shy, shmy! Come on!
219
00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:52,548
For the glory
of the 4077.
220
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,506
The cover of
Lifemagazine.
221
00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:56,552
-All those bodies.
-Come on, come on.
222
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,249
Here comes
Lieutenant Gage.
223
00:09:58,293 --> 00:10:00,077
[cheering]
224
00:10:00,121 --> 00:10:01,905
All right, you guys.
Lie at attention!
225
00:10:01,949 --> 00:10:03,559
[Gage screaming]
226
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,301
This is completely against
military regulations!
227
00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:07,694
Wholly unauthorized!
228
00:10:07,737 --> 00:10:09,260
You have some of
my nurses in there.
229
00:10:09,304 --> 00:10:11,219
I'll rinse 'em off
before I return 'em.
230
00:10:11,262 --> 00:10:12,612
Come on,
squeeze in, Major.
231
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:13,830
We got plenty of room.
232
00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:16,006
This is completely
beneath me.
233
00:10:16,050 --> 00:10:18,139
I was hoping for
that spot myself.
234
00:10:18,182 --> 00:10:21,795
We'll see what Colonel Potter
has to say about this!
235
00:10:21,838 --> 00:10:23,710
All right,
how many we got here?
236
00:10:23,753 --> 00:10:25,233
-Count off.
-ALL: One!
237
00:10:25,276 --> 00:10:26,930
[laughter]
238
00:10:26,974 --> 00:10:29,324
Fine. All we need
is 15 more.
239
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:30,673
Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
240
00:10:30,717 --> 00:10:32,283
I have to take
the picture!
241
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:33,545
Wait a minute.
242
00:10:33,589 --> 00:10:34,634
[chatter, horn honking]
243
00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:36,418
How 'bout
V.D. films, Radar?
244
00:10:36,461 --> 00:10:38,202
Is the one we've
got adequate?
245
00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:39,682
I don't know, sir.
246
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:41,466
Every time it's shown,
I faint.
247
00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:44,687
Must be okay, then.
248
00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:47,951
Why don't we order
Trench Foot Through
the Ages
249
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:49,518
and The Bleeding
Gum Story?
250
00:10:49,561 --> 00:10:51,085
That'll make a good
double feature.
251
00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:52,782
Yes, sir,
I'll order those.
252
00:10:52,826 --> 00:10:54,305
Let's see,
there's one other...
253
00:10:54,349 --> 00:10:55,785
-[knocking]
-Come.
254
00:11:00,268 --> 00:11:01,661
I caught this Korean woman
255
00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:03,271
trying to take
one of the jeeps, sir.
256
00:11:03,314 --> 00:11:06,056
I'll handle it,
Sergeant.
257
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,449
Sit down, madam.
258
00:11:07,492 --> 00:11:09,146
Well, I guess I'll order--
259
00:11:09,190 --> 00:11:11,148
Why don't you go and order
those films, Radar?
260
00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:18,721
What's the big idea,
Klinger?
261
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:20,462
How'd you know?
262
00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:23,595
Korean women are not
noted for hairy knuckles.
263
00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:25,641
Sir, I can't take it
anymore. I can't!
264
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,295
I'll do anything
to prove I'm not fit.
265
00:11:27,338 --> 00:11:28,862
I'll-I'll wet my bed.
266
00:11:28,905 --> 00:11:31,473
I'll wet your bed!
I'll wet the whole camp!
267
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:34,041
Now, son, none of us
wants to be here.
268
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:35,303
I don't want to be here.
269
00:11:35,346 --> 00:11:36,783
Radar doesn't
want to be here.
270
00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:38,306
The doctors, the nurses.
271
00:11:38,349 --> 00:11:40,308
Certainly the wounded
don't want to be here.
272
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:42,310
But we've got
to do our best.
273
00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:43,659
Understand, son?
274
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,095
I'm trying.
275
00:11:45,139 --> 00:11:46,793
Then get your butt
in high gear
276
00:11:46,836 --> 00:11:48,011
and get back to work!
277
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,404
Is that your last offer?
278
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:50,579
You got it! Out!
279
00:11:50,622 --> 00:11:51,580
Yes, sir.
280
00:11:54,496 --> 00:11:56,541
-Colonel, can I see you? -Do I
have a choice?
281
00:11:56,585 --> 00:11:58,674
It's about Captain Pierce.
282
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,197
He sew up your fly again?
283
00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:03,200
-No, sir.
-He spit at you?
284
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:05,681
He's stuffing a bunch
of personnel into a jeep.
285
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,118
Something about setting
a world's record.
286
00:12:08,162 --> 00:12:10,817
[laughs] He's a pistol.
287
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,950
Burns, can't you see
Pierce is just trying
to boost morale?
288
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:16,474
Well, my morale is fine.
I love it here.
289
00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:21,044
Either you or Klinger is nuts.
290
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:22,742
Now I've got to figure out
which one.
291
00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:25,657
Okay, come on, Major.
292
00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:26,920
Just one more
and we'll have a record.
293
00:12:26,963 --> 00:12:29,096
-Yeah, come on! -Come on.
294
00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:30,488
Come on. Lifemagazine.
295
00:12:30,532 --> 00:12:32,099
Yeah!
296
00:12:32,142 --> 00:12:33,796
[chatter]
297
00:12:36,538 --> 00:12:37,582
Will you photograph
my best side?
298
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:39,149
Absolutely.
299
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:43,066
All right, I'm gonna
set the timer.
300
00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:45,068
Now get ready.
301
00:12:45,112 --> 00:12:46,940
Okay, okay.
Get back, get back!
302
00:12:46,983 --> 00:12:48,376
Say cheese.
303
00:12:48,419 --> 00:12:50,378
ALL: Cheese!
304
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,207
-[honk]
-[shutter clicks]
305
00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:55,209
[cheering]
306
00:13:05,654 --> 00:13:07,569
Hollister, Maurice.
307
00:13:07,612 --> 00:13:09,353
Colonel. Division Chaplain.
308
00:13:09,397 --> 00:13:12,008
Pierce, Captain.
Band vocalist.
309
00:13:12,052 --> 00:13:14,837
That's, uh, quite a crowd
you've got in there.
310
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:16,230
World's record.
311
00:13:16,273 --> 00:13:19,494
[chuckling]
312
00:13:19,537 --> 00:13:21,365
Colonel Hollister.
313
00:13:21,409 --> 00:13:23,367
Ah, yes, uh,
Major Hooligan.
314
00:13:23,411 --> 00:13:24,629
Houlihan.
315
00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:26,283
♪ Harrigan, that's me
316
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,243
You okay, Gates?
317
00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:31,201
Uh, can I get a hernia?
318
00:13:31,245 --> 00:13:33,073
Of course.
But rent one first.
319
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:34,857
See if you really
like it.
320
00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:36,816
Get that
circulation going.
321
00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:39,470
And remember, you're champions,
each and every one of you.
322
00:13:39,514 --> 00:13:43,823
Captain? This, uh,
activity, the morality,
323
00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:46,651
did Father Mulcahy
approve of all this?
324
00:13:46,695 --> 00:13:48,436
Why don't you ask him
yourself, Reverend?
325
00:13:53,397 --> 00:13:55,095
Colonel Hollister.
326
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:56,792
Father Mulcahy.
327
00:13:59,447 --> 00:14:00,927
Lord have mercy.
328
00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:09,631
♪ Amazing grace
329
00:14:09,674 --> 00:14:13,243
♪ How sweet the sound
330
00:14:13,287 --> 00:14:16,899
♪ That saved a wretch
331
00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:19,902
♪ Like me
332
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:24,037
♪ I once was lost
333
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,779
♪ But now am found
334
00:14:27,823 --> 00:14:31,566
♪ Was blind but now
335
00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:34,961
♪ I see
336
00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:36,353
Lovely.
337
00:14:36,397 --> 00:14:37,833
♪ Lovely
338
00:14:41,532 --> 00:14:43,099
Ahem.
339
00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:46,581
I have a few announcements
before the benediction.
340
00:14:46,624 --> 00:14:50,585
For the upcoming
Passover celebration,
341
00:14:50,628 --> 00:14:52,761
for those of
the Jewish faith,
342
00:14:52,804 --> 00:14:55,111
Private Weintraub
will attempt to bake
343
00:14:55,155 --> 00:14:57,461
some unleavened
bread on a rock,
344
00:14:57,505 --> 00:15:00,247
much in the same way
as Private Moses--
345
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:03,685
uh, much in the same way
346
00:15:03,728 --> 00:15:05,556
that Moses did.
347
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,081
Would you all stand for
the benediction, please?
348
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:13,825
And now, may the Lord
bless us all and keep us.
349
00:15:13,869 --> 00:15:14,957
Amen.
350
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:16,480
ALL: Amen.
351
00:15:23,183 --> 00:15:25,402
Father Mulcahy,
that has to be
352
00:15:25,446 --> 00:15:27,883
one of the finest services
I've ever attended.
353
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,363
Why, thank you, sir.
354
00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:31,017
Excellent service,
Chaplain.
355
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:32,932
Excellent.
I really enjoyed it.
356
00:15:32,975 --> 00:15:35,238
-Sensational, Father! -Oh.
357
00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:37,371
-You're ready to
play the Vatican.
-Oh, my.
358
00:15:37,414 --> 00:15:39,068
-Aces, Father.
-Thank you.
359
00:15:39,112 --> 00:15:40,722
That was really neat,
360
00:15:40,765 --> 00:15:42,985
especially that scary part
about going to hell.
361
00:15:43,029 --> 00:15:44,421
Colonel, your presence
here today
362
00:15:44,465 --> 00:15:46,162
was a first-rate inspiration.
363
00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:49,426
I get chills in the presence
of a real spiritual leader.
364
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:51,341
Thank you, Majors.
365
00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:54,170
I, uh, gather you're
regular churchgoers.
366
00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:55,476
-Oh, yes!
-Oh, yeah.
367
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:56,999
It's a great place
to kill an hour.
368
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,696
Well, we better
scoot along.
369
00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:00,611
Uh, there's no Sabbath
for the second in command.
370
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:02,439
Nor for the head nurse.
371
00:16:02,483 --> 00:16:05,007
God appreciates
your responsibilities.
372
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,704
-Ah.
-He's a good person.
373
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:07,879
Major.
374
00:16:10,708 --> 00:16:12,667
Well, sir, it seemed
to go rather smoothly.
375
00:16:12,710 --> 00:16:13,929
Didn't it?
376
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,801
So does wallpaper
paste, Father.
377
00:16:16,845 --> 00:16:19,369
You never once had them
in the palm of your hand.
378
00:16:19,413 --> 00:16:22,068
You've got to
grab these people.
379
00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:24,200
You're God's messenger
in this camp.
380
00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:26,333
Sir, I deliver--
381
00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:28,683
Many a business
has gone bankrupt
382
00:16:28,726 --> 00:16:31,164
with the motto
"We Deliver."
383
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:34,515
You've got to take these
people by the hand, Father.
384
00:16:34,558 --> 00:16:37,126
You just got to reach out
and take them by the hand,
385
00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:38,998
each and every one,
386
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:41,000
from the lowliest
private here
387
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:43,915
right up there to
Captain Harry S. Truman,
388
00:16:43,959 --> 00:16:45,439
You've got
to guide them.
389
00:16:45,482 --> 00:16:47,876
You've got to lead them!
Oh, yes!
390
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:49,312
Oh, yes!
You've got to be the one!
391
00:16:49,356 --> 00:16:51,749
You've got to be
the drum major
392
00:16:51,793 --> 00:16:54,404
that leads this band
right into
393
00:16:54,448 --> 00:16:56,928
the valley
of blessedness!
394
00:16:56,972 --> 00:16:59,366
You have to use that
voice of yours, Father,
395
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:01,542
as a cry into
the wilderness!
396
00:17:01,585 --> 00:17:03,457
Follow me! You see?
397
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:04,893
Follow me!
398
00:17:04,936 --> 00:17:06,460
Lead the attack, Father,
399
00:17:06,503 --> 00:17:10,768
with a Bible in one hand
and a sword in the other!
400
00:17:10,812 --> 00:17:12,553
Hallelujah!
401
00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:16,513
[thinking] Did I write you
about Colonel Potter
402
00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:18,863
wanting to train Koreans
to work in the wards?
403
00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:21,170
First step was
to teach them English.
404
00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:24,608
Do you have a fever?
405
00:17:24,652 --> 00:17:28,743
ALL: Do you have a fever?
406
00:17:30,527 --> 00:17:34,401
I will get the doctor.
407
00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:38,753
I will get the doctor.
408
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,365
Better dead than Red.
409
00:17:42,409 --> 00:17:45,455
Better dead than Red.
410
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:48,980
-Ha! Now we're
getting somewhere!
-[laughter]
411
00:17:49,024 --> 00:17:51,722
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
412
00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:54,377
Get us out of the U.N.
413
00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:59,861
Get us out of the U.N.
414
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:03,473
Don't contaminate our drinking
water with fluoridation.
415
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:06,824
Don't contaminate our--
416
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,435
Mairzy doats
and dozy doats
417
00:18:08,478 --> 00:18:10,263
and liddle lamzy divey.
418
00:18:10,306 --> 00:18:13,962
Mairzy doats
and dozy doats and--
419
00:18:14,005 --> 00:18:16,269
Well, you sure took
your sweet time relieving me.
420
00:18:16,312 --> 00:18:19,054
I've been here an hour.
We made progress.
421
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,274
I can tell. You've got
a Korean accent.
422
00:18:21,317 --> 00:18:22,579
Stink fishpot!
423
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:24,407
Stink fishpot.
424
00:18:24,451 --> 00:18:26,061
[laughing]
425
00:18:29,064 --> 00:18:31,153
Okay, boys.
426
00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:33,895
Notre Dame is
six points behind.
427
00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:35,984
We got a whole
half a game to play,
428
00:18:36,027 --> 00:18:37,942
and we're gonna
beat Army!
429
00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:41,163
All right, I'm sorry.
430
00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:44,035
I will-- I will...
431
00:18:44,079 --> 00:18:45,863
I will.
432
00:18:45,907 --> 00:18:47,126
Get...
433
00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:48,344
Get.
434
00:18:48,388 --> 00:18:50,041
The nurse.
435
00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:51,434
The nurse.
436
00:18:51,478 --> 00:18:54,176
I will get the nurse.
437
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:57,266
I will get the nurse.
438
00:18:57,310 --> 00:19:00,182
Good. Frank Burns
eats worms.
439
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:03,664
Frank Burns eats worms.
440
00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:07,885
I've looked back
on this letter
441
00:19:07,929 --> 00:19:09,365
and discovered
it's been two pages
442
00:19:09,409 --> 00:19:10,932
since I told you
how much I love you.
443
00:19:10,975 --> 00:19:12,586
It's two pages later now,
444
00:19:12,629 --> 00:19:14,979
and I love you even more.
445
00:19:15,023 --> 00:19:17,721
Colonel Hollister is running
Father Mulcahy ragged.
446
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:20,202
I'm sure Hollister believes
God is regular army.
447
00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:22,248
They just went into post-op.
448
00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:25,207
Private Davis is our worst
case at the moment, Colonel.
449
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:27,209
We're having a very
difficult time with him:
450
00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:29,777
massive trauma, and he's
very slow coming back.
451
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:31,866
Poor fellow.
452
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:34,608
You know, his father
runs the last pony ride
453
00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:36,914
at Palisades Park,
in New Jersey.
454
00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:39,874
After the service,
he plans to go into ponies,
455
00:19:39,917 --> 00:19:41,005
God willing.
456
00:19:41,049 --> 00:19:42,920
Davis, huh?
Davis. Ah.
457
00:19:42,964 --> 00:19:45,271
P-- He's a Protestant.
458
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:48,926
A lot of your, uh,
Davises are J's, you know.
459
00:19:48,970 --> 00:19:51,929
I had one here last year
who was a C.
460
00:19:51,973 --> 00:19:53,583
There are exceptions,
of course.
461
00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:55,455
Have you written the
lad's parents, Father?
462
00:19:55,498 --> 00:19:56,717
If you'll excuse us, Colonel.
463
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,022
I have to change his dressing.
464
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:04,942
Nice touch.
465
00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:11,035
I'm not sure a letter's the
best course just now, sir.
466
00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:12,428
Take my word for it.
467
00:20:12,472 --> 00:20:14,604
Write to the
young man's parents.
468
00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:16,476
Well, it's always been
my policy to wait
469
00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:18,173
until the patients
become stable.
470
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,870
Nonsense.
That boy's going
to pull through.
471
00:20:19,914 --> 00:20:21,350
Now, what you've
got to do,
472
00:20:21,394 --> 00:20:23,874
you've got to marry that
thought to an action.
473
00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:26,007
You write a good, strong
affirmative letter.
474
00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:28,139
-Mention the donkeys. -The
ponies.
475
00:20:28,183 --> 00:20:31,055
It seems wrong to get
their hopes up and then--
476
00:20:31,099 --> 00:20:33,406
-Well, God forbid, what if--
-Lieutenant Mulcahy,
477
00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:35,277
I want to see a first
draft of the letter
478
00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:37,497
before 1800 hours.
479
00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:39,542
It's now 1400 hours.
480
00:20:39,586 --> 00:20:41,370
I've got to take
my milk of magnesia
481
00:20:41,414 --> 00:20:42,676
and do three pushups.
482
00:20:46,549 --> 00:20:49,639
I realize supply
requisitions in this area
483
00:20:49,683 --> 00:20:51,337
are difficult to fill,
484
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:54,775
but the situation has been
getting steadily worse.
485
00:20:54,818 --> 00:20:57,821
We order rectal thermometers,
we get spark plugs.
486
00:20:57,865 --> 00:21:01,172
Both useful articles,
but hardly interchangeable.
487
00:21:01,216 --> 00:21:03,479
Get with it, Supply.
488
00:21:03,523 --> 00:21:06,221
Sir, do you want
one or two exclamation
points after that?
489
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,527
Make it three.
490
00:21:07,570 --> 00:21:09,093
Boy, you really are mad.
491
00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:10,443
Kindness don't
feed the bulldog.
492
00:21:10,486 --> 00:21:11,444
[clatter]
493
00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:13,794
Now what?
494
00:21:13,837 --> 00:21:15,143
Caught this man
walking into the stream
495
00:21:15,186 --> 00:21:16,623
seven miles down
the road, Colonel.
496
00:21:16,666 --> 00:21:18,625
I would've made it if
they hadn't nailed me.
497
00:21:18,668 --> 00:21:19,930
Had it all figured!
498
00:21:19,974 --> 00:21:21,323
Downstream
to the Inchon River,
499
00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:23,020
then out to
the Sea of Japan,
500
00:21:23,064 --> 00:21:24,544
and then
to the Golden Gate!
501
00:21:24,587 --> 00:21:25,762
You'd have drowned.
502
00:21:25,806 --> 00:21:27,024
No chance, sir!
503
00:21:29,592 --> 00:21:32,552
-There! Look at that!
-Oh, boy!
504
00:21:32,595 --> 00:21:35,032
[shouting]
505
00:21:35,076 --> 00:21:36,947
Klinger! Klinger!
506
00:21:36,991 --> 00:21:38,297
Good letter, Father.
507
00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:40,516
Positive, affirmative,
hopeful.
508
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,605
I liked the way you
worked the ponies in.
509
00:21:42,649 --> 00:21:44,259
It wasn't difficult, sir.
510
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:46,740
I just started
a new paragraph.
511
00:21:46,783 --> 00:21:48,089
I still think
I should've waited
512
00:21:48,132 --> 00:21:50,352
until the boy is more
stable, however.
513
00:21:50,396 --> 00:21:52,746
Tommyrot. Forge ahead.
514
00:21:54,574 --> 00:21:58,273
It's your straggler who
misses the Lord's streetcar.
515
00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:01,755
!¡Vaya con Dios!
516
00:22:05,541 --> 00:22:06,716
Father!
517
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,109
Father Mulcahy,
518
00:22:08,152 --> 00:22:09,502
have you seen
Captain Pierce anywhere?
519
00:22:09,545 --> 00:22:11,417
I believe he mentioned
Nurse Shibetta.
520
00:22:11,460 --> 00:22:13,897
He was gonna share
a spicy salami with her.
521
00:22:13,941 --> 00:22:15,377
She's Italian, you know.
522
00:22:15,421 --> 00:22:16,900
One of the patients
is in bad trouble.
523
00:22:16,944 --> 00:22:18,728
-Who?
-Private Davis.
524
00:22:18,772 --> 00:22:20,295
Oh, I best see
if I can help.
525
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,341
-Better get Captain Pierce.
-Yes, sir.
526
00:22:22,384 --> 00:22:24,995
Gee, I hate to
interrupt his salami.
527
00:22:25,039 --> 00:22:26,432
-Temperature?
-103.
528
00:22:26,475 --> 00:22:27,868
I've seen higher.
529
00:22:27,911 --> 00:22:29,783
Sure. Philadelphia in August.
530
00:22:29,826 --> 00:22:32,046
Klinger, hurry up
with that X-ray!
531
00:22:33,787 --> 00:22:35,354
What about the latest
urine specimen?
532
00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:36,659
Bugs and blood.
533
00:22:36,703 --> 00:22:38,357
-White count?
-19,000.
534
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,141
Peritonitis.
535
00:22:40,184 --> 00:22:41,969
Someone must've missed
a hole in the bowel.
536
00:22:42,012 --> 00:22:43,318
I missed nothing!
537
00:22:43,362 --> 00:22:44,972
None of us are
perfect, Frank,
538
00:22:45,015 --> 00:22:46,713
especially those of us
who aren't perfect.
539
00:22:46,756 --> 00:22:50,499
Kellye, give him 600,000
units of penicillin, stat!
540
00:22:50,543 --> 00:22:52,588
-Ah-ha-ha.
-Sorry about the salami.
541
00:22:52,632 --> 00:22:54,111
-Shew!
-Klinger!
542
00:22:54,155 --> 00:22:56,331
A minute, 27 seconds.
543
00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:57,985
Take a discharge
out of petty cash.
544
00:23:00,683 --> 00:23:01,815
There they are.
545
00:23:01,858 --> 00:23:03,207
Shell fragments?
546
00:23:03,251 --> 00:23:05,471
Frank, you just can't
just look around!
547
00:23:05,514 --> 00:23:06,602
You gotta feel around!
548
00:23:06,646 --> 00:23:08,604
-He does.
-I mean during surgery.
549
00:23:08,648 --> 00:23:10,432
Fragments may not mean much,
550
00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:12,652
but in view of his symptoms,
we've gotta go back in.
551
00:23:12,695 --> 00:23:14,088
You can't!
552
00:23:14,131 --> 00:23:15,611
His pulse is weak,
and he has a fever.
553
00:23:15,655 --> 00:23:17,265
We go in, or it's
the big train ride home
554
00:23:17,308 --> 00:23:18,440
in the mattress cover.
555
00:23:18,484 --> 00:23:20,094
Why did I do it?
556
00:23:20,137 --> 00:23:21,443
B.J.: What, Father?
557
00:23:21,487 --> 00:23:22,966
Colonel Hollister
558
00:23:23,010 --> 00:23:26,187
made me write a letter
to his parents.
559
00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:28,276
Everything's okay.
560
00:23:28,319 --> 00:23:30,104
Let's go, folks.
Frank?
561
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:55,869
Is he gonna make it?
562
00:23:55,912 --> 00:23:58,567
-Probably.
-It depends.
563
00:23:58,611 --> 00:24:00,700
We could get bombed,
there could be an earthquake,
564
00:24:00,743 --> 00:24:03,398
or Frank could
operate on him again.
565
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:04,443
Twerp!
566
00:24:05,748 --> 00:24:08,229
You tell him, ferret face.
567
00:24:08,272 --> 00:24:09,622
[laughing]
568
00:24:19,109 --> 00:24:22,199
Aha! Heidelberg 1910.
569
00:24:22,243 --> 00:24:23,810
Zuckertort's attack.
570
00:24:25,638 --> 00:24:28,379
[thinking] Things are
pretty quiet right now.
571
00:24:28,423 --> 00:24:30,033
Private Davis
pulled through, mercifully,
572
00:24:30,077 --> 00:24:31,513
and was shipped stateside.
573
00:24:31,557 --> 00:24:33,080
Potter doubled the guards
574
00:24:33,123 --> 00:24:35,212
so Klinger isn't
giving him any trouble.
575
00:24:35,256 --> 00:24:36,475
What'd you do?
576
00:24:36,518 --> 00:24:38,607
Vienna, 1906.
The Lapinsky move.
577
00:24:40,783 --> 00:24:42,132
Where'd you learn that?
578
00:24:42,176 --> 00:24:43,482
Mrs. Lapinsky.
579
00:24:43,525 --> 00:24:44,787
Tall woman, hairy legs,
580
00:24:44,831 --> 00:24:46,093
always carried
a bag of strudel.
581
00:24:46,136 --> 00:24:47,877
You don't know
Mrs. Lapinsky.
582
00:24:47,921 --> 00:24:51,228
Are you kidding?
I caught hairy legs from her.
583
00:24:51,272 --> 00:24:53,535
Nice try, Klinger.
584
00:24:53,579 --> 00:24:56,059
I would've made it
if not for that dog.
585
00:25:06,113 --> 00:25:08,768
♪♪ [theme]
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