All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S04E04 - The Late Captain Pierce (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

[shivering]

Wow.

-Sir.
-Hmm.

Captain Hunnicutt, sir?

-Sir!
-Hmm? Hmm?

-Klinger?
-Yes, sir.

Wish you'd shave your arms.

You got a phone call, sir,
from the States.

Huh? Oh.

-My wife?
-No, sir.

Captain Pierce's father.

Pierce's father calling me?

That's what he said, sir.

Doesn't make sense.

You want me to wake you
when something makes sense?

You'll sleep through
the whole war.

That'd be awful.

Where's Radar?

Colonel gave him
a few days in Seoul.

He was flippin' out
a little.

Started to put carbon paper
in the latrines.

Hawkeye?

-Hawkeye.
-In-- In a minute.

Phone call.

Tell the warden it's too late.
They pulled the switch.

It's your father.

-My dad?
-Yeah.

On the phone?

Yes, sir.

-What time is it?
-2:00.

No, there.
What is it there now?

It's 18 hours earlier.

I never know. Either
it's yesterday afternoon

or a week from next Tuesday.

It's, uh, 8:00 last night.

He wouldn't call
unless it was important.

My father-- a swarm
of locusts in the bathroom

would only rate a postcard.

Come on.

[shivering]

-Hmm?
-Sir.

Hmm.

[groaning]

Ooh!

[shivering]

You sure, Klinger?
Why would he want
to talk to B.J.?

That's what he said,
sir. Honest.

Nobody but the captain.

Okay, Sparky.
We're ready.

-It's Mr. Pierce.
-Go ahead.

Tell him he's always been like
a father to me, until now.

Hello? Hello?
Mr. Pierce?

What?
I can't quite--

Hello? Hello?

-Dad's not a very big talker.
-Hello!

He only spoke to Mom
if there was an "R"
in the month.

Lost the connection.

Mr. Pierce? Hey, Sparky.

-Did he say anything?
-Anybody!

All he said was
"How?" and "Why?"

[whistles] Hey, world,
where'd you go?

"How and why"?

Nobody. They must've
knocked out the lines.

Why don't we head
Swamp-ward?

If your father wants
to get through, he will.

I couldn't sleep now.

If I'm lucky,
I'll get into the sack

before Frank starts pledging
allegiance in his sleep.

-Sorry, sir.
-Yeah.

[yawning]

-Klinger?
-Sir?

Did you ever hear
of Crabapple Cove?

Was that in
the hygiene lecture?

Crabapple Cove, Maine.

We have
a summer cottage there.

It's heaven when
the buttercups are in bloom.

And the goldenrod and the
tamaracks are standing tall.

You could almost swear
you'd died and gone--

No wonder
Dad never calls me.

[ringing]

Hello, Dad? Dad?

[ringing continues]

[ringing stops]

Ooh. [groan]

Any word?

Nah.

I'm gonna grab a quick shower.

Come fetch me
if you get through.

In the shower?

Look for a white
carnation.

Hey!

Hey!

I'm, uh,
Lieutenant Detmuller

of the, uh, Quartermaster
Corps, Morgue Detail.

I'm here to pick up a body.
Who do I see?

I believe Corporal Klinger

can assist you
in this undertaking.

Not one straight man
in the whole army.

Are you
Corporal Klinger?

Yes, sir.

Hey!

Aren't you the guy
who's trying to get out,

pretending you're a woman?

No, no.

I'm the woman
trying to get in,

pretending I'm a guy.

Funny.

I'm looking for, uh, Pierce...

Benjamin Franklin.

Captain. U.S. 19905607.

In the shower.

In the shower?

What's he doin' in the shower?

Who could tell with officers?

[sigh]

Is this the whole tent?

And nothing but the tent.

I'm lookin' for,
uh, Captain Pierce.

You got him.

You can't be Pierce.

You mean somebody pasted
my face in this mirror?

Something's wrong, boy.
Really wrong.

Well, no war's perfect.

You're not dead.

Don't jump to conclusions.

I have a very good tailor.

You're supposed to be
dead, sir. Honest.

"Pierce, Benjamin Franklin.
Captain."

-This is a death certificate.
-Just a copy, sir.

They send the original
back to the next of kin.

Who would've been
notified now by telegram.

Army's very good
about that.

No wonder my father
didn't ask for me.

He thinks I'm dead.

So does the army, sir.

If you're alive,
I'm in big trouble.

You're in trouble?

Three days ago, a body fell
out of my bus onto the road.

Last week, I came up
another two bodies short.

If I blow this one,

they'll take me off
morgue detail

and put me on something worse.

What could be worse?

I don't let myself
think about it.

Yeah. Well, listen,
Lieutenant, uh...

Detmuller. Call me Digger.

I hate to inconvenience you,
Digger. I really do.

But I happen to be alive.
Born that way, you know.

-What time is it back home?
-Oh. It's, uh...

Forget it. Never mind.
I gotta make a phone call.

Sir, if I don't bring
a body to the morgue,

they'll have my butt.

Better yours than mine.

This is a surgical hospital.

You must have
some extra bodies.

Just one? To spare?

We try very hard
to avoid that situation.

Where's the best place
to look for casualties?

Try the mess tent.

Hash eaters are your best bet.

My voluntary
calisthenics program

simply isn't
panning out, Colonel.

Isn't panning out, eh?

I'd like permission
to make it mandatory.

I've always felt
people volunteer
better by force.

Oh, exercise in the winter
is very depressing, Major.

Although I must say
the nurses' pushups

are doing wonders
for morale.

-[laughing]
- Sir, I'm serious.

-So am I!
-But, sir--

Excuse me, Colonel. I waited
till Major Burns was talking

so I wouldn't interrupt.

Pierce
hasn't exercised once!

Hasn't done so much
as a squat thrust!

I'm saving myself
for marriage.

Far be it from me to tell you
how to run your command, sir.

Very far be it.

But, uh, I, personally,
myself think

you should order goldbricks
like Pierce to get out there.

I'm sorry I've missed
your early-morning
hernia farm, Frank,

but I, personally,
myself have been dead.

We're all a little tired,
Hawkeye.

Not dead tired, Colonel.
Dead dead, as in doornail.

My corpus has been
declared delicti.

There it is, folks.

My ticket to the last roundup.

My boarding pass
for the Stygian Ferry.

Corporal!
Boy, they are pips.

-Sir.
-There's been

some kind of clerical
error down the line.

Captain Pierce, here,
has been listed as dead.

Oh. That explains--

The phone call. Yeah.
They notified my father.

Get on the stick, Corporal.
Get word to his father.

Dig into the paperwork.

Let's clear this up.
On the double!

Yes, sir.

Sir, if it'll help,
I'll take his place.

Just give me
some sandwiches

and drill a few holes
in the coffin.

-Out!
-Yes, sir.

Can you believe it?

The morgue even sent
the wagon for me.

-A little suction.
-Suction.

It's so unlike the army
to make a mistake.

You'd think they'd have
the routine down pat

after the Seven Year War,
the Hundred Year War,

-the War of the Roses.
-That's the one they
fought in Pasadena?

-Right.
-Purse string suture.

Purse string.

B.J.: That Digger character
gonna keep hanging around here?

He's trolling for a cadaver.

He gives me the creeps.

Well, it's his business.
He needs a body.

Speaking of which,

what are you doing
after the appendectomy?

Washing my hair,
if I can get some beer.

I've got some beer in my tent.

Dead men tell
no tales, you know.

-Bad news, Digger.
-Patient made it.

I'm sure you tried.

-Hey.
-What, hey?

We gotta have a wake.

What kind of a friend
would I be

to let you pass away
without a party?

-That's sick.
-No. He's right.

I think I would've
wanted it that way.

As soon as I get off duty,
I'll take care of everything.

Put me down for half.

No, no. This wake's on me.

What do you wear to a wake?

Captain, I thought
of in lieu of you

not being able to get
through long distance,

you could maybe
send your father out

a telegram
through another unit.

You do that, Klinger,

and you'll have free nose
jobs the rest of your life.

Shoot.

Dear Dad.
I am not dead. Stop.

Hope you are the same. Stop.

Thinking of selling
my clubs? Stop.

Spending my insurance
money? Stop.

Poetry.

Will call soonest.

Please don't worry.

Sign it "Love, your
nowhere-near-late
son Hawkeye."

Terrific.

I hate to think what
my dad's going through.

Come on. Cheer up.
We're going to a funeral.

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

Come one, come all to a wake

for the late,
great Captain Pierce.

We'll be mourning
all afternoon and evening.

The deceased will
deliver the eulogy,

and the guests will have
20 minutes for rebuttal.

Remains to be seen
in the Swamp.

♪♪ ["Give Me the Simple
Life" on jukebox]

-There you go.
-Thank you.

Oh. You're welcome.

Gee. He looks just
like himself.

He actually looks more like
himself than he ever has.

Let's keep 'em comin',
boys and girls.

There you go.
Pass 'em on.

-What a good party.
-Mm.

I only wish I were
here to see it.

I sure am gonna
miss you, Hawkeye.

We all will, honey.
We all will.

I understand you've been
having a bad time

lately, Lieutenant.

-Don't ask.
-Hmm.

I'm donating my shoulder
to the wheel,

my nose to the grindstone,

and my ear to the ground.

But I only have eyes for you.

I think you've got
one more problem

that you're probably
not aware of.

What's that, sir?

Your buns are on fire.

[laughter]

KLINGER: Captain Pierce.

No cables going out, sir.

-Ah--
-No phone, no nothing.

There's a new security,
the strictest.

I gotta get through to him!

On account of
General Eisenhower's
coming over, sir.

There's all kind of
precaution--

the Secret Service,
M.P.s.

They're lockin' up
a whole lot
of South Koreans.

What for?
Cheering lessons?

♪ For he was a jolly
good fellow ♪

POTTER: ♪ He was
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ He was a jolly
good fellow ♪

♪ I was much
too young to die ♪

I'm writing Peggy
about your death.
Any messages?

No. I'll add
an R.I.P.S. later.

Hey!

Bottom of the morning
to you, Frank.

I don't talk
to goof-off corpses.

What corpses
do you talk to?

Only those that lie
at attention.

You've carried this death jazz
far enough, Mr. Funnybones.

I haven't begun
to die, Frank.

Being dead gets me out
of orientation classes,

O.D. duty, inspections.

And my body building
course, eh?

Well, I'm no dunce.

Eh-eh.

I have no need to build
on to my body, Frank.

I was born
with just enough rooms.

Oh, go fish!

I told you
to take off your dress

before you come in here!

Not for you
or any man alive!

Sorry, sir. No soap.

The Red Cross won't help me?

What do they want, blood?

There's just
no getting through.

Eisenhower.

What's he coming
over here for anyway?

Who needs a president
with dysentery?

Is that mail?

One from-- Two from home!
Beaut--

These are from
Major Burns' wife.

[sniffs] You can smell
her disinfectant.

Hey, Klinger.

Nothing for the bridesmaid?

They're stopping
your mail in Seoul, sir,

because you're, you know.

Klinger, I need my mail.

I'm right in the middle

of an obscene correspondence
with a librarian,

and we've just started
the letter "C."

I'll keep at it, sir.

All right. And keep
trying for my dad.

He's probably out of his mind
thinking I'm now the former me.

Yes, sir, I know.
Crabapple Cove.

Next.

Hi, Frank.

Name and serial number.

Oh, come on, Frank.

We do this by the book,
or we don't do this at all.

Hunnicutt, B. J., Captain.
3972-niner-niner-66, sir!

You smudged my pay sheet.

Sorry.

You're not sorry.

That was a vicious,
deliberate smudge.

I'll go stand
in a corner of Korea.

Next!

Frank.

Name and serial number.

Pierce, Benjamin
Franklin, Captain.

3. I was one
of the first in.

Real cutie pie,
aren't you?

Well...

Pierce, huh?

Pierce, Pierce, Pierce,
Pierce, Pierce.

Don't you think
accepting money

somehow cheapens the war?

Come on, Frank.
Lay it on me.

Sorry, fella.
You've been redlined.

What?

You're deceased.
You're off the payroll.

[laughing]

That's not funny, Frank.

Well, if you're too dead
for calisthenics,

you're too dead
for pay. Next!

Wait a minute! Hold it!
I gotta have that money, Frank.

It's not like I can
work someplace else.

There's not another army
across the street
looking for help.

Next!

Don't do this, Frank.

So,

being dead
isn't as much fun

as you thought
it'd be, huh?

Watch it, Frank.

They couldn't
court-martial a dead man

for breaking every
smirk in your face.

Let me go!

-Let me go! Let me go!
-[chatter]

-Gimme that money, Frank!
-No! Never, never!

Gimme the money!
Give it to me, Frank,

or I'll nail you
to your boots!

Stop it! You're hurting me
in front of people. Help!

Nobody's
gonna help you, Frank.

They don't like you.
Right? Right?

You're the ten most hated
men in this camp!

Aah!

Help! Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it! Please!
Stop it! Stop!

Gimme the money, Frank!
Gimme the money!

I'm responsible
for every penny!

Gimme the money,

or I'll give you
24-carrot underwear!

-Oh, I hate carrots.
-Oh, I'm sorry. Here.

[yelling]
Take him!

[whimpering] Help!

Punch him in the throat!
Punch him in the throat!

Let go!

I will not take my death
lying down, Frank!

I was finally able
to get through
to H.Q., Hawkeye,

and they were kind enough
to send Captain Pratt here.

We've given your matter
a good look-see, Pierce.

Excuse me, please.

What has happened

is that some clerk
down the line

has obviously
switched your name

with that
of a deceased patient

on a Certificate of Death.

It happens all the time.
[chuckle]

And has the real dead man's--
[sarcastic chuckle]--

family been notified?

Uh, they will be.

In your case, we'll
submit to Quartermaster

a request to rescind
the Certificate of Death

on T.A. Form 10-stroke-249
in triplicate,

accompanied
by an SF88-stroke-1107,

signed by three officers
of equal or higher rank,

followed by a personal
written report

on Form 63-stroke-EBY
by a ranking officer

who actually saw
the deceased not die--
uh, in triplicate.

What does all this come to
when you boil it down?

That is boiled down.

This could take
weeks-stroke-months.

He could be dead by the time
you make him alive.

We'll do the best
we can, Colonel.

Meanwhile, no mail,
no money,

and my own personal
undertaker out there

with his hearse
double-parked.

Well, you are,
Doctor, I am afraid,

what George Orwell described
in 1984as an "unperson."

An unperson?
Now I'm an unperson.

Do you know that right now
my poor father,

not realizing I'm undead,

is at this minute
mourning his un-son?

I don't know any other
way out of it.

Oh, you don't, huh?

He just rattles around
in that empty house,

gives my things away
to the Salvation Army,

and ages a couple of years

for every day he thinks I've
shaken off this khaki coil!

Well, I know another
way out of it!

POTTER: Pierce,
where you going?

Excuse me, Colonel.
I'm late for an early grave.

You were a big help.

What's happening?

The war is over.

This death certificate's
my ticket home.

If you're ever in Maine,
look me up-- or rather down.

I'll be under a stone
marked "Pierce."

Hey, Hawkeye. Hawkeye.

Hey, Digger, open up! It's me.

What do you want, Doc?

The final reward, please.
And step on it.

Let's go, Digger.
I'm not gettin' any older.

Where do I sit?

Nobody ever sits
on this bus but me, Doc.

I can't take passengers,
sir.

I'm not a passenger.

I'm cargo.

Casualties comin' in,
Doc, a mess of'em.

-Could be any time now.
-Thanks, Klinger.

-Hawk?
-Huh.

It's B.J.

I know.

Wish you could go
with me, don't you?

You really goin' home?

[sighs]

Finally.

I've been fighting death
since I came over here.

I'm tired of death.

I'm tired to death.

If you can't lick it,
join it.

Right, boys?

You can't go, Hawk.

I have to. The army says
I'm dead. I can't disobey.

I'm afraid you're
going to have to.

[helicopter]

Wounded.

Klinger says a lot.

I don't care.

I really don't.

They'll keep coming
whether I'm here or not.

Trapper went home.
They're still coming.

Henry got killed,
and they're still coming.

Wherever they come from,
they'll never run out.

You serious?

Dead serious.

[helicopter approaches]

Home, Digger.

Quit crying, Dad. It's okay.

Really! I needed
a new set of clubs anyway.

Li--

No, I'm still dead

as far as the army
is concerned,

but they're working on it.

Listen, Dad.
Can I ask you a favor?

You think you could start
sending me my allowance again?

Just for a little while.
I'll let you know how much.

What?

It's good to hear
your voice too.

It's good to hear
your voice too!

What else is new?

How's Orville's pitching?

You're kidding!

A no-hitter?

And everybody said
Orville was all thumbs.

What else?

She did?

Well, tell her I said hello.

Dad?

♪♪ [theme]