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♪♪ [theme]
2
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MAN [on P.A.]: Attention!
3
00:00:52,530 --> 00:00:54,445
The temperature is now
two degrees below zero.
4
00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:56,230
Tonight's forecast is cold
5
00:00:56,273 --> 00:00:58,841
with a good chance
of bad weather tomorrow.
6
00:00:58,884 --> 00:01:00,886
Due to enemy shelling,
we will observe
7
00:01:00,930 --> 00:01:03,106
blackout conditions
effective immediately.
8
00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:05,326
Blackout conditions,
please.
9
00:01:05,369 --> 00:01:07,110
[wind howling]
10
00:01:16,554 --> 00:01:18,078
Ooh. Sorry.
11
00:01:19,166 --> 00:01:20,515
Sorry, ma'am.
12
00:01:20,558 --> 00:01:22,256
And, uh, thank you.
13
00:01:38,272 --> 00:01:39,621
Ooh.
14
00:01:41,753 --> 00:01:43,451
Oh...
15
00:01:45,627 --> 00:01:47,542
Hawk, it's that time.
16
00:01:51,154 --> 00:01:52,503
Hawkeye?
17
00:01:52,547 --> 00:01:55,115
He's dead.
Dead and drafted.
18
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:56,464
You're on duty.
19
00:01:56,507 --> 00:01:58,030
It's no-hundred hours.
Midnight.
20
00:01:58,074 --> 00:02:00,337
I'll give you ten dollars
for ten more minutes.
21
00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:03,035
-Please?
-Five for five?
22
00:02:03,079 --> 00:02:04,167
Come on.
23
00:02:04,211 --> 00:02:05,516
Would you take a dollar
24
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,257
to smother me
with my pillow?
25
00:02:07,301 --> 00:02:08,519
Come on.
They're waiting.
26
00:02:08,563 --> 00:02:10,173
[moaning]
27
00:02:10,217 --> 00:02:12,523
Oh, the price of fame.
28
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:14,395
[banging]
Rats!
29
00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:18,312
Who'd you bump into?
30
00:02:18,355 --> 00:02:22,446
Ooh, just what
I said. Rats.
31
00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:25,145
If they get any bigger,
we can hold a rodeo.
32
00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:26,624
It's colder.
33
00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:28,496
I keep begging the
janitor for more heat.
34
00:02:30,411 --> 00:02:32,064
Keep your eye on
a kid named Edwards.
35
00:02:32,108 --> 00:02:34,154
I took a junkyard
out of his belly.
36
00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:36,025
Edwards, right.
37
00:02:36,068 --> 00:02:37,331
[metal clanging]
38
00:02:44,338 --> 00:02:45,513
Aren't you gonna have it?
39
00:02:45,556 --> 00:02:47,036
Nah.
40
00:02:47,079 --> 00:02:48,864
One golf ball
and I'm up all night.
41
00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:51,823
He's already
had ten units.
42
00:02:51,867 --> 00:02:53,738
-Edwards?
-Yeah.
43
00:02:53,782 --> 00:02:55,697
That's lotsa blood.
44
00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:58,003
He was lotsa hurt.
45
00:02:58,047 --> 00:03:00,789
You wanna go over
there into first class
and tuck him in?
46
00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:02,051
Yes, sir.
47
00:03:03,922 --> 00:03:06,360
You know, after
this war is over,
48
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:08,710
you're going to make
somebody a fine mother.
49
00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:10,581
Aw, cut it out once.
50
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:20,200
Hello, Klinger. How goes
the crazy business?
51
00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:22,463
You think MacArthur
reads his mail?
52
00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:25,248
Probably at night after
he takes off his makeup.
53
00:03:25,292 --> 00:03:27,946
I sent him a picture
of me in a garter belt.
54
00:03:27,990 --> 00:03:30,688
He sent back one
of him smoking a pipe.
55
00:03:30,732 --> 00:03:33,691
I think
he got the best of it.
56
00:03:33,735 --> 00:03:36,433
Oh. Uh, Captain Pierce,
Private Jenkins.
57
00:03:36,477 --> 00:03:38,218
-Just got in this morning.
-Sir.
58
00:03:38,261 --> 00:03:39,958
Well, you brought
the good weather with you.
59
00:03:40,002 --> 00:03:42,483
Warmest July in years.
Pardon the sock.
60
00:03:42,526 --> 00:03:44,876
Captain here is one
of the good guys.
61
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,227
My white hat's out
being cleaned and blocked.
62
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:51,753
That's my midnight snack.
63
00:03:51,796 --> 00:03:55,931
1943. These beans are
from World War II.
64
00:03:55,974 --> 00:03:57,628
Right. They're has-beans.
65
00:03:59,630 --> 00:04:01,241
Can't get rich around here.
66
00:04:01,284 --> 00:04:03,286
First time on night
sentry duty.
67
00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:05,680
No problem. If there's
anything out there,
68
00:04:05,723 --> 00:04:07,290
it'll freeze before it
can make trouble.
69
00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:08,944
Yes, sir.
70
00:04:08,987 --> 00:04:10,989
Hey, listen.
Everybody's scared.
71
00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:13,644
Honest?
72
00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,994
Are you kiddin'?
73
00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:18,954
Winner of the Purple Chicken
with Yellow Belly clusters.
74
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,656
[groan]
75
00:04:31,009 --> 00:04:32,968
[groaning continues]
76
00:04:47,765 --> 00:04:51,247
[groans]
77
00:05:03,825 --> 00:05:05,653
Animal.
78
00:05:05,696 --> 00:05:06,697
It's just me, ma'am.
79
00:05:06,741 --> 00:05:08,351
-[gasp]
-[gasp]
80
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:10,266
Are you crazy?
81
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,703
It's my job! It's midnight!
You're on duty!
82
00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:16,620
How long have you been
standing there looking at me?
83
00:05:16,664 --> 00:05:19,667
Not long, really.
Just a little long. Honest.
84
00:05:19,710 --> 00:05:22,017
Get out of here, you little
creep pervert you! Get out!
85
00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:25,586
You're not the first one
in this man's army
86
00:05:25,629 --> 00:05:28,197
to drool over me with your
hot little non-com breath!
87
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:31,418
I didn't!
I never breathe around you.
88
00:05:31,461 --> 00:05:33,376
Get out of my underwear!
89
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:34,899
I'm trying to, sir--
90
00:05:34,943 --> 00:05:36,248
-Uhh!
-Ma'am!
91
00:05:36,292 --> 00:05:37,380
-Ohh!
-Help!
92
00:05:38,555 --> 00:05:39,513
Ohh!
93
00:05:42,777 --> 00:05:44,561
[exhaling] Frank.
94
00:05:44,605 --> 00:05:46,302
Oh, sure.
95
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:47,999
Do you know what time it is?
96
00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:51,176
The big hand's on 2,
97
00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:52,395
and the little hand's on 12.
98
00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:53,788
You're 10 minutes
late, Captain.
99
00:05:53,831 --> 00:05:55,485
I don't like
overtures anyway.
100
00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:57,618
I should have been
relieved at midnight.
101
00:05:57,661 --> 00:05:59,707
So put in for overtime.
102
00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:01,404
It really gripes
my cookies.
103
00:06:01,448 --> 00:06:02,797
-Frank.
-Hmm?
104
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,407
Would you like to
see me start a fire
105
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:06,627
by rubbing your
ears together?
106
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:08,237
Oh. Good evening,
Major.
107
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:09,673
I'm sorry I'm late.
108
00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:11,240
Oh, that's perfectly
all right.
109
00:06:11,283 --> 00:06:12,720
I had to bring
a note from home.
110
00:06:12,763 --> 00:06:14,286
-What?
-Let's go, let's go.
111
00:06:17,812 --> 00:06:19,117
Edwards.
112
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:20,510
Oh, this is B.J.'s kid.
113
00:06:20,554 --> 00:06:21,903
Ah, he's been quiet,
114
00:06:21,946 --> 00:06:23,339
resting comfortably.
No trouble.
115
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,385
85 over 50.
116
00:06:25,428 --> 00:06:26,951
That's pretty low,
Frank.
117
00:06:26,995 --> 00:06:28,431
If your pressure
was 85 over 50,
118
00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:29,693
you'd be no
trouble, either.
119
00:06:29,737 --> 00:06:31,347
Well, maybe he's
no trouble now,
120
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,523
but he's already used up
ten units of blood.
121
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:36,570
Saving it to paint
the mess tent, Frank?
122
00:06:36,613 --> 00:06:39,007
Take his pressure and
pulse every ten minutes.
123
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:40,400
And have some more units
of whole blood ready.
124
00:06:45,274 --> 00:06:47,537
-Who's this?
-Abbott.
125
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:51,193
What are you starin' at?
126
00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:55,153
Just get away
from me, all right?
127
00:06:55,197 --> 00:06:56,459
Get away.
128
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,200
One of your nervous Nellies.
129
00:06:58,243 --> 00:07:00,811
What's he got to be
nervous about, Frank?
130
00:07:00,855 --> 00:07:02,552
Just 'cause he's
a million miles from home
131
00:07:02,596 --> 00:07:04,772
with more tubes
in him than a radio?
132
00:07:04,815 --> 00:07:06,556
He's here to do a job
like the rest of us.
133
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,253
Stay away from me.
134
00:07:08,297 --> 00:07:09,777
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey.
135
00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:12,301
You can't thrash
around like that, pal.
136
00:07:12,344 --> 00:07:13,955
I don't want him
touching me.
137
00:07:13,998 --> 00:07:15,565
You don't have any choice.
He's a doctor.
138
00:07:15,609 --> 00:07:16,871
So shut your yap.
139
00:07:18,046 --> 00:07:19,482
You can tell he's a doctor
140
00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:21,484
by his bedside manner.
141
00:07:21,528 --> 00:07:23,704
Let's have a calm night, huh?
We can both use it.
142
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:33,670
He's, uh...
[clears throat]
143
00:07:33,714 --> 00:07:35,716
[whispering]
Chinese.
144
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,893
You don't have
to whisper, Frank.
145
00:07:38,936 --> 00:07:40,372
He knows he's Chinese.
146
00:07:40,416 --> 00:07:42,374
Oh, they're crafty devils.
147
00:07:42,418 --> 00:07:44,159
-Mm-hmm.
-Well, this one's probably
148
00:07:44,202 --> 00:07:46,640
not one of their craftiest.
He's got 13 broken bones.
149
00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:48,032
I don't trust them.
150
00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:50,339
FRANK: I bet he understands
every word we say.
151
00:07:50,382 --> 00:07:52,950
Well, I certainly
wouldn't trust anybody
who understands us.
152
00:07:52,994 --> 00:07:55,431
Would you feel safer if
I put a guard on him, Major?
153
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:58,826
Oh, come on, Frank!
This poor bugger couldn't
break the four-hour mile.
154
00:07:58,869 --> 00:08:01,045
I'll be all right.
155
00:08:01,089 --> 00:08:02,917
Well...
156
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,267
Major, Captain,
157
00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:06,877
I'll leave you two
to carry on.
158
00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:23,415
[wind howling outside]
159
00:08:23,459 --> 00:08:25,069
MARGARET: Psst.
160
00:08:26,984 --> 00:08:28,072
Psst.
161
00:08:36,124 --> 00:08:37,560
[giggling]
162
00:08:40,781 --> 00:08:42,304
-Frank!
-Hmm?
163
00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:45,307
You tore up my note.
164
00:08:45,350 --> 00:08:46,700
I read it, darling.
165
00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:48,919
And I'm dying
to keep you warm too.
166
00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,617
Well, why did you
tear it up?
167
00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:52,270
Well, I tear up
all your notes.
168
00:08:52,314 --> 00:08:54,185
You got some real
doozies in there.
169
00:08:54,229 --> 00:08:55,186
[giggling]
170
00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:56,753
As well as my feelings.
171
00:08:56,797 --> 00:08:58,450
Oh, sure. And those too.
172
00:08:58,494 --> 00:09:01,149
I've saved everything
you've ever written me.
173
00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:04,282
No kidding?
Everything?
174
00:09:04,326 --> 00:09:06,067
Every scrap.
175
00:09:06,110 --> 00:09:07,634
[distant explosions]
176
00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,461
Margaret, uh,
177
00:09:09,505 --> 00:09:11,072
do you think that's
such a good idea?
178
00:09:11,115 --> 00:09:12,769
-What?
-Well, there's a war on.
179
00:09:12,813 --> 00:09:14,728
I know, Frank.
I can hear it.
180
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,383
I don't like to say
this, but, um...
181
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:20,211
you could get killed,
you know, Margaret.
182
00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:22,387
Somebody makes up
the statistics.
183
00:09:22,431 --> 00:09:25,129
I don't wish you any
bad luck, but if you
should, uh...
184
00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:27,610
and someone got to your
things before I did...
185
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:29,525
-Frank!
-Hmm?
186
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,962
You could get killed, too.
187
00:09:33,268 --> 00:09:35,009
Now that's cruel.
188
00:09:42,364 --> 00:09:44,235
-[nearby explosion]
-Aah!
189
00:09:46,890 --> 00:09:48,500
-It's okay.
-Get off of me!
Don't touch me!
190
00:09:48,544 --> 00:09:49,632
Get your arms down.
191
00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:51,242
-Shh.
-Aah!
192
00:09:51,286 --> 00:09:52,417
Shh!
193
00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:54,594
Stop! Make 'em stop.
194
00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:57,640
Please!
195
00:09:57,684 --> 00:10:00,730
Make 'em stop. [sobbing]
196
00:10:00,774 --> 00:10:03,515
Just what the war needed,
extra innings.
197
00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:05,343
Make it stop.
198
00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:07,128
-Radar.
-[explosion]
199
00:10:07,171 --> 00:10:09,260
No, 386!
200
00:10:09,304 --> 00:10:11,088
-ABBOTT: [wailing]
-6!
201
00:10:11,132 --> 00:10:12,307
Like a 9 sitting down.
202
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:13,700
I want you
to make a call.
203
00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:15,658
I'm trying to get
the shelling stopped.
204
00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:17,660
-It's outgoing.
-[explosions]
205
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:19,270
-That's our stuff?
-ABBOTT: [shouting]
206
00:10:19,314 --> 00:10:21,055
Well, we can't let
them have all the fun.
207
00:10:21,098 --> 00:10:23,492
-[explosion]
-Yeah, uh, 386?
208
00:10:23,535 --> 00:10:25,929
Yeah, listen,
this is MASH 4077th.
209
00:10:25,973 --> 00:10:28,149
Can you cut the heavy
overhead stuff?
210
00:10:28,192 --> 00:10:31,326
We're a hospital here.
We got patients--
211
00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:33,328
What?
212
00:10:33,371 --> 00:10:34,808
He's got a suggestion,
213
00:10:34,851 --> 00:10:36,548
but I think it's
physically impossible.
214
00:10:36,592 --> 00:10:37,811
Give me the phone.
215
00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:39,595
-Who is this?
-Lieutenant Gage.
216
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,162
Lieutenant Gage,
Captain Pierce here.
217
00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:42,380
[loud explosion]
218
00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:43,904
Listen,
those shells of yours
219
00:10:43,947 --> 00:10:45,601
are bouncing our guys
right out of their beds.
220
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,864
Give us a break, huh?
We're on the same team.
221
00:10:49,257 --> 00:10:50,693
Uh-huh.
222
00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:52,042
What did he say?
223
00:10:52,086 --> 00:10:53,522
You're right, Radar.
224
00:10:53,565 --> 00:10:55,567
He's got a lot to learn
about anatomy.
225
00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:57,787
Get Colonel Potter
over here on the double.
226
00:10:57,831 --> 00:10:59,659
At this hour?
I can't do that.
227
00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:01,225
How'd you like a mouse
in your milk?
228
00:11:01,269 --> 00:11:02,444
On the double.
229
00:11:08,537 --> 00:11:10,670
-JENKINS: Halt!
-Aah!
230
00:11:10,713 --> 00:11:12,628
-Who goes there?
-It's me.
231
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:13,760
Halt or I'll shoot.
232
00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:15,413
I can't get more halted.
233
00:11:15,457 --> 00:11:16,719
Take it easy.
234
00:11:16,763 --> 00:11:18,199
What's going on?
235
00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:20,418
This bonehead
was gonna shoot me!
236
00:11:21,768 --> 00:11:23,247
Did you give
the password?
237
00:11:23,291 --> 00:11:26,033
He didn't ask!
You dumb kid.
238
00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:38,306
Sorry, Margaret.
239
00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:50,100
Don't let one mistake
rattle you.
240
00:11:50,144 --> 00:11:51,928
-You'll get the hang of it.
-[door closes]
241
00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:54,757
You just watch me. Halt!
242
00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:56,019
Who goes there?
243
00:11:56,063 --> 00:11:58,979
Uh, it's me: Major Burns.
244
00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:00,720
What's the password?
245
00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:03,374
Ah, Caríbbean.
246
00:12:03,418 --> 00:12:05,725
I thought
it was "Carib-eean."
247
00:12:05,768 --> 00:12:08,205
It's the same thing, you simp.
248
00:12:08,249 --> 00:12:10,730
Advance and be
recognized, sir!
249
00:12:10,773 --> 00:12:12,079
Blow it out your nose.
250
00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:15,256
See?
251
00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:40,411
[distant explosion]
252
00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:46,461
[nearby explosion]
253
00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:52,075
-What?
-What?
254
00:12:52,119 --> 00:12:53,207
What is it?
255
00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:55,165
Uh, the artillery, sir.
256
00:12:55,209 --> 00:12:56,297
Artillery?
257
00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:59,082
[nearby explosion]
258
00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:01,345
It's ours.
259
00:13:01,389 --> 00:13:04,218
Uh, Colonel, uh, it's
disturbing the patients.
260
00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:06,611
Captain Pierce says
to tell you he requests
you do something.
261
00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:09,092
And?
262
00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:10,180
That's it, sir.
263
00:13:10,224 --> 00:13:14,054
[loud explosion]
264
00:13:14,097 --> 00:13:15,446
Yeah, all right.
Let's go.
265
00:13:15,490 --> 00:13:16,926
Uh, would you like
your helmet, sir?
266
00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:18,667
We'll stop at the latrine.
267
00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:23,106
Well?
268
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:25,935
He's still down.
269
00:13:25,979 --> 00:13:28,720
He's not doing
very well at all.
270
00:13:28,764 --> 00:13:30,113
Let's give him
two more units.
271
00:13:30,157 --> 00:13:31,245
Yes, Doctor.
272
00:13:33,856 --> 00:13:36,641
Major? This is Colonel Potter.
273
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:38,948
Bird Colonel Sherman Potter.
274
00:13:38,992 --> 00:13:41,037
Do you read me, Major?
275
00:13:41,081 --> 00:13:43,997
Good! Now can it
or move it.
276
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,476
Got that, Major?
277
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,130
Good!
278
00:13:47,174 --> 00:13:48,305
[gun firing]
279
00:13:49,654 --> 00:13:51,874
Oh. Oh.
280
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:54,007
My gun went off.
I don't know how.
281
00:13:54,050 --> 00:13:55,747
He's not gonna die, is he?
It's my first day.
282
00:13:55,791 --> 00:13:57,271
-It's all right.
-Of course he's not gonna die.
283
00:13:57,314 --> 00:13:58,620
-Come on, sit down.
-The pain, the pain.
284
00:13:58,663 --> 00:13:59,969
Klinger, it's okay.
285
00:14:00,013 --> 00:14:01,188
-Hey, kid, kid.
-I gotcha.
286
00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:02,450
I forgive you, kid.
287
00:14:02,493 --> 00:14:03,930
I didn't mean it.
Honest.
288
00:14:03,973 --> 00:14:05,540
Klinger, it's nothing.
It's just a scratch.
289
00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:06,846
There it goes.
290
00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:08,238
My whole life is
passing in front of me.
291
00:14:08,282 --> 00:14:09,892
-Ma! Pa!
-Have we got
the right shoulder?
292
00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:11,154
-LaVerne. Good-bye.
-Klinger.
293
00:14:11,198 --> 00:14:13,069
So long, Harry, Frieda, Paul.
294
00:14:13,113 --> 00:14:14,723
Oh, I'm coming, Uncle Jake.
295
00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:16,029
Klinger,
you're all right.
296
00:14:16,072 --> 00:14:17,813
-Was the gun loaded?
-The lights are fading.
297
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,902
I'm too young. No! No!
298
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:21,382
Could you
at least bleed?
299
00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:22,557
[grunting]
300
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,341
What is the matter
with you?
301
00:14:24,385 --> 00:14:26,430
-He's molting.
-Oh, Klinger.
302
00:14:30,782 --> 00:14:32,741
How can I thank you for
pulling me through, Doc?
303
00:14:32,784 --> 00:14:34,699
I can't remember
a tougher case,
304
00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:36,179
unless it was
removing a kitten
305
00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:37,441
from my house slipper.
306
00:14:37,485 --> 00:14:39,400
I can't describe the agony.
307
00:14:39,443 --> 00:14:40,749
Uh-huh.
308
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:42,620
Shooting pains
all down my arm.
309
00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:44,231
My head is on fire.
310
00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:46,494
I have no sense
of touch.
311
00:14:46,537 --> 00:14:48,931
I think I got
what Bette Davis had
in Mrs. Skeffington.
312
00:14:48,975 --> 00:14:50,890
Don't move.
I'll get Claude Rains.
313
00:14:50,933 --> 00:14:52,500
George Brent's
not available.
314
00:14:52,543 --> 00:14:54,545
Thanks for trying to
cheer up my morale, sir.
315
00:14:54,589 --> 00:14:56,286
Klinger, it's us.
316
00:14:56,330 --> 00:14:57,897
You don't have
to perform for me.
317
00:14:57,940 --> 00:15:00,725
I will never surrender.
This is my ticket.
318
00:15:00,769 --> 00:15:02,945
Now they gotta send me home.
I've done my bit.
319
00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:04,904
I've been shackin' up
with rats, eatin'
swill on a shingle,
320
00:15:04,947 --> 00:15:06,731
and now my arm
is half blown off.
321
00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:08,081
Klinger,
it's just a scratch.
322
00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:10,126
How do you know?
What about tetanus?
323
00:15:10,170 --> 00:15:11,911
-Nah.
-It could've been
of a rusty bullet.
324
00:15:11,954 --> 00:15:13,695
-I'll give you a shot.
-No, no shots.
325
00:15:13,738 --> 00:15:15,740
I'm-I'm allergic.
I blow up like a balloon.
326
00:15:15,784 --> 00:15:17,786
I'll give you
an anti-balloon shot.
327
00:15:17,829 --> 00:15:19,614
Lie down and rest.
328
00:15:19,657 --> 00:15:20,963
I'd rather do it
in my own bed.
329
00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:22,138
All right.
Go back to your tent.
330
00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:24,227
My bed in Toledo.
331
00:15:24,271 --> 00:15:25,837
Klinger,
if it was up to me,
332
00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:27,709
I'd stick a $1,000
stamp on your nose
333
00:15:27,752 --> 00:15:29,537
and put you in
the next mailbag.
334
00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:31,626
Your trouble is there's
nothing wrong with you.
335
00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:33,628
Now if you could manage to
get really hurt over here
336
00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:35,630
or get yourself killed,
you'd be in great shape.
337
00:15:35,673 --> 00:15:37,458
I ain't got
that kind of luck.
338
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:38,981
Stay here where it's warm.
339
00:15:40,722 --> 00:15:42,942
Why can't they ever
have a war in Florida?
340
00:15:42,985 --> 00:15:45,118
[nearby explosions]
341
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,950
-Radar!
-They're still
shelling us, sir!
342
00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:52,429
Get that auxillary
unit on the line.
343
00:15:52,473 --> 00:15:53,909
I'll call the auxillary
unit right away!
344
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:55,389
-Halt, who goes there?
-Whoa!
345
00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:56,999
It's the colonel!
346
00:15:57,043 --> 00:16:00,133
Oh, sorry. Go ahead.
347
00:16:02,483 --> 00:16:04,572
Don't you want
to know the password?
348
00:16:04,615 --> 00:16:06,791
I already know it, sir.
349
00:16:06,835 --> 00:16:09,794
You're trembling, son.
You scared?
350
00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:12,536
Uh, no, sir.
Just cold, sir.
351
00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:14,974
If you had any brains,
you'd be scared.
352
00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:38,258
Colonel Clayburn?
Colonel Potter here.
353
00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:40,912
One moment for the colonel,
Colonel. Colonel?
354
00:16:40,956 --> 00:16:42,566
Colonel Potter here.
355
00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:45,569
No, not the P.X.
Colonel Potter.
356
00:16:45,613 --> 00:16:47,745
Yes, I know him.
Just retired.
357
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:50,661
Shipped a temple home
to open as a drive-in.
358
00:16:50,705 --> 00:16:53,403
I run a MASH outfit.
4077.
359
00:16:53,447 --> 00:16:56,754
Those big guns
of yours are really
rattlin' our bedpans.
360
00:16:56,798 --> 00:16:59,061
I got some pretty
sick boys in my hospital.
361
00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:01,020
It's not doin' them
much good, either.
362
00:17:02,673 --> 00:17:04,936
Well, thank you,
Colonel Clayburn.
363
00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:07,113
That's very good of you.
364
00:17:07,156 --> 00:17:12,074
Potter.
P-O-double-T-E-R.
365
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:13,641
Jackass.
366
00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:18,733
Don't touch me.
367
00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:19,951
Come on, I told ya.
I'm not kidding.
368
00:17:19,995 --> 00:17:21,127
Don't touch me.
369
00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:23,825
You don't
give the orders here.
370
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:25,261
I hate your guts.
371
00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:28,830
My guts are not here
for you to love.
372
00:17:28,873 --> 00:17:30,962
Fun Fair keeping you awake?
373
00:17:31,006 --> 00:17:33,878
He is.
What's the story?
374
00:17:33,922 --> 00:17:37,404
He makes Dracula
look like a teetotaler.
375
00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:39,014
How much more
you given him?
376
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:41,625
Three units. Are you sure
you closed everything?
377
00:17:41,669 --> 00:17:42,974
I had him open
for four hours.
378
00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:44,715
I may be slow,
but I'm thorough.
379
00:17:44,759 --> 00:17:46,630
Maybe you just
missed something.
380
00:17:46,674 --> 00:17:49,155
Impossible.
I did everything but
crawl inside him.
381
00:17:49,198 --> 00:17:53,768
Well, I can't think of
what it is except maybe
internal bleeding.
382
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:56,553
I plugged every hole.
383
00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:58,251
Then he sprung a new leak.
384
00:17:58,294 --> 00:18:00,949
He had 18 holes in his colon.
I got 'em all.
385
00:18:00,992 --> 00:18:02,211
You sure?
386
00:18:02,255 --> 00:18:04,953
18 holes. Exactly.
387
00:18:04,996 --> 00:18:07,999
I thought, What a place
for a miniature golf course.
388
00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:10,437
KLINGER: [screaming]
389
00:18:14,789 --> 00:18:17,052
MARGARET: Klinger!
Corporal Klinger!
390
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,228
Get in here.
Get in here immediately!
391
00:18:19,272 --> 00:18:22,536
I-- Get in here!
Do you hear me?
392
00:18:22,579 --> 00:18:26,279
-[shivering]
-Corporal Klinger,
you arecrazy!
393
00:18:26,322 --> 00:18:27,802
You'll catch
pneumonia!
394
00:18:27,845 --> 00:18:29,978
I want pneumonia.
Double pneumonia.
395
00:18:30,021 --> 00:18:33,068
-Here.
-Scarlet fever,
the palsy, Halsey,
396
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,462
The plague, anything!
[shivering]
397
00:18:35,505 --> 00:18:38,204
He got shot by accident.
Terminal graze.
398
00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:40,597
These beds are
for real casualties.
399
00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:43,774
I'd say Klinger's sanity
is certainly a casualty.
400
00:18:43,818 --> 00:18:45,950
Congratulations.
You may really be sick.
401
00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:47,909
If you get me well,
I'll kill ya.
402
00:18:47,952 --> 00:18:49,737
-Shut up!
-You shut up!
403
00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:51,608
You both shut up!
404
00:18:51,652 --> 00:18:53,741
Welcome to
One Man's Family.
405
00:19:24,685 --> 00:19:26,034
[explosion]
406
00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:32,258
Damn colonels!
Can't trust any of 'em.
407
00:19:34,521 --> 00:19:36,262
Uh, General Morrison?
408
00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:38,220
Uh, one-one moment.
409
00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:39,961
Your call to General
Morrison, sir.
410
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:42,529
Uh, one moment, sir.
411
00:19:46,489 --> 00:19:49,144
Nate? Sherm.
412
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,841
Sherman Potter.
413
00:19:50,885 --> 00:19:54,018
Fine. Fine.
How's Violet?
414
00:19:54,062 --> 00:19:56,195
Oh, swell.
415
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:58,762
Who? Oh, he's
a very good man.
416
00:19:58,806 --> 00:20:01,243
I'm sure he can help
get the swelling down.
417
00:20:01,287 --> 00:20:04,768
You could use one of her legs
for an umbrella stand.
418
00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:07,118
Nate, you gotta move
those guns of yours.
419
00:20:07,162 --> 00:20:10,034
They're putting me
out of business.
420
00:20:10,078 --> 00:20:13,647
Well, can't you send
them down the road?
421
00:20:13,690 --> 00:20:16,040
Thanks a million, Nate.
I knew you'd come through.
422
00:20:16,084 --> 00:20:17,868
Send my love to Vi.
423
00:20:17,912 --> 00:20:20,219
I'll say a prayer
for her legs.
424
00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:22,351
What?
425
00:20:22,395 --> 00:20:25,049
Still, huh?
426
00:20:25,093 --> 00:20:27,443
Try hotter water.
427
00:20:27,487 --> 00:20:29,228
In your helmet.
428
00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:31,534
Sit and soak in your
helmet for a few days.
429
00:20:31,578 --> 00:20:33,232
That should do it.
430
00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:35,190
Thanks again, Nate.
431
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,887
Yeah, good-bye.
432
00:20:36,931 --> 00:20:39,325
Always go to the top,
Radar.
433
00:20:39,368 --> 00:20:41,457
You're closer to it
than me, sir.
434
00:20:43,764 --> 00:20:47,071
MARGARET: That's the last unit
of B-positive, Doctors.
435
00:20:47,115 --> 00:20:48,682
It'll never be enough.
436
00:20:48,725 --> 00:20:49,813
No.
437
00:20:55,906 --> 00:20:57,865
I have to open him up again.
438
00:20:57,908 --> 00:20:58,866
Right.
439
00:21:01,956 --> 00:21:04,306
I'll start cross
matching volunteers
in the mess tent.
440
00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:06,177
Wake those volunteers
gently, Margaret.
441
00:21:06,221 --> 00:21:09,006
A simple rap
on the soles.
442
00:21:09,050 --> 00:21:10,573
Delightful waking people
at 2:00 in the morning
443
00:21:10,617 --> 00:21:12,183
to milk 'em for a pint.
444
00:21:12,227 --> 00:21:14,055
S.O.P.,
my dear Watson.
445
00:21:14,098 --> 00:21:16,666
Hold it, Doc.
Don't wake anybody.
446
00:21:16,710 --> 00:21:18,320
Not now, Klinger.
447
00:21:20,453 --> 00:21:22,281
I'm B-positive.
448
00:21:23,804 --> 00:21:25,719
Klinger, how would
you like a medal?
449
00:21:25,762 --> 00:21:27,373
Only for desertion.
450
00:21:35,946 --> 00:21:37,121
And... go!
451
00:21:37,165 --> 00:21:38,471
[grunting]
452
00:21:38,514 --> 00:21:40,864
[explosion]
453
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,260
[loud explosion]
454
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:47,784
Oh! Ooh.
455
00:21:47,828 --> 00:21:50,178
I hope he gets stuck
in his helmet.
456
00:21:52,180 --> 00:21:54,138
[explosion]
457
00:21:54,182 --> 00:21:56,271
Take cover!
458
00:21:56,315 --> 00:21:58,142
Good luck.
459
00:21:58,186 --> 00:21:59,970
You okay, Klinger?
460
00:22:00,014 --> 00:22:01,668
-Get off me, will ya?
-Come on.
461
00:22:01,711 --> 00:22:04,061
-I'll kill ya!
-You're gonna kill yourself
462
00:22:04,105 --> 00:22:05,846
-if you pull out those tubes!
-I'll kill ya both!
463
00:22:05,889 --> 00:22:07,326
I don't care. I wanna die!
464
00:22:08,544 --> 00:22:10,111
[explosion]
465
00:22:10,154 --> 00:22:11,330
Aah! Don't--
466
00:22:11,373 --> 00:22:12,461
Watch your hands!
467
00:22:12,505 --> 00:22:13,897
Margaret, help me.
468
00:22:13,941 --> 00:22:16,247
I don't have to put up
with any fresh stuff!
469
00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:18,815
Oh, come on, he's not
gonna commit suicide
470
00:22:18,859 --> 00:22:20,513
and make a pass
at the same time.
471
00:22:20,556 --> 00:22:22,689
Well, I don't have to take
any of that fresh stuff!
472
00:22:22,732 --> 00:22:24,778
Margaret, get
a sedative, will ya?
473
00:22:24,821 --> 00:22:25,866
A glass of warm milk.
474
00:22:25,909 --> 00:22:26,954
Anything.
475
00:22:26,997 --> 00:22:28,956
Get-- Will you stop?
476
00:22:28,999 --> 00:22:30,044
[grunting]
477
00:22:30,087 --> 00:22:32,089
Oh! Don't-- Don't bite me.
478
00:22:32,133 --> 00:22:34,657
Oh, you--
Margaret, he's biting me.
479
00:22:34,701 --> 00:22:36,703
[straining]
480
00:22:36,746 --> 00:22:39,183
Oh, wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
Get the right rump!
481
00:22:40,533 --> 00:22:42,361
Ow!
482
00:22:42,404 --> 00:22:44,363
[grunting, moaning]
483
00:22:50,543 --> 00:22:54,547
[explosion]
484
00:22:54,590 --> 00:22:56,244
Good shooting, Margaret.
485
00:22:56,287 --> 00:22:58,420
Thank you, Doctor.
486
00:22:58,464 --> 00:23:01,118
I won't say a word
to anybody...
487
00:23:01,162 --> 00:23:02,816
about being
in bed together.
488
00:23:05,253 --> 00:23:06,950
Check those tubes.
489
00:23:06,994 --> 00:23:08,735
[explosions stop]
490
00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:15,002
You hear that?
491
00:23:17,308 --> 00:23:19,136
I don't hear anything.
492
00:23:19,180 --> 00:23:21,443
Know what that
"anything" is?
493
00:23:21,487 --> 00:23:23,140
Silence.
The shelling stopped.
494
00:23:23,184 --> 00:23:24,620
It's all over.
495
00:23:28,842 --> 00:23:29,973
Thank God.
496
00:23:31,584 --> 00:23:32,498
You hungry?
497
00:23:48,862 --> 00:23:51,386
1943. Very good
year for beans.
498
00:24:01,570 --> 00:24:03,442
That was good work, Doctor.
499
00:24:03,485 --> 00:24:05,008
I think the kid's
out of the woods now.
500
00:24:05,052 --> 00:24:07,489
Listen, let me operate on
a guy three or four times,
501
00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:10,100
I'm finally
gonna get it right.
502
00:24:10,144 --> 00:24:12,189
Like us to see
you home, Margaret?
503
00:24:12,233 --> 00:24:13,800
You don't have to.
504
00:24:13,843 --> 00:24:15,802
What if someone
knocks you down and
takes advantage?
505
00:24:15,845 --> 00:24:17,630
Let's get inside
before we do.
506
00:24:24,985 --> 00:24:26,900
Guess who didn't
come home last night.
507
00:24:37,171 --> 00:24:38,825
-Frank!
-[yelping]
508
00:24:38,868 --> 00:24:40,087
-What are you doing?
-Huh?
509
00:24:40,130 --> 00:24:41,828
-What are you doing?
-Uh...
510
00:24:43,873 --> 00:24:46,049
-Have you got a pencil?
-Have I--?
511
00:24:46,093 --> 00:24:49,575
Well, I-I-I came in
and, uh...
512
00:24:49,618 --> 00:24:51,533
Uh, I was gonna
leave you a note.
513
00:24:51,577 --> 00:24:54,971
And-And-And I didn't
have any pencil.
514
00:24:55,015 --> 00:24:56,495
Note?
515
00:24:56,538 --> 00:24:58,235
So I-I looked
in your nightstand.
516
00:24:58,279 --> 00:25:00,150
You didn't have a pencil,
but I found some paper.
517
00:25:06,026 --> 00:25:08,115
♪♪ [theme]
35222
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