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♪♪ [theme]
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♪♪ [off-key bugle fanfare]
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Disgusting!
4
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Today's assembly took
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00:01:21,559 --> 00:01:23,039
two seconds longer
than yesterday's.
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-Major Burns?
-Yes, Father?
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I have us two seconds
quicker than yesterday.
8
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Your watch must be off.
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Hardly likely.
10
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It was given to me
by my bishop.
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Klinger!
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Sir!
13
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How dare you wear that
hat while in uniform?
14
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It's spring, sir!
15
00:01:43,146 --> 00:01:44,539
I've warned you.
16
00:01:44,582 --> 00:01:46,106
That crazy stuff's not
going to get you out.
17
00:01:46,149 --> 00:01:48,543
Next time I find you
in a hat or a brassiere--
18
00:01:48,586 --> 00:01:50,153
heh heh--
I'll promote you.
19
00:01:50,197 --> 00:01:51,328
Major.
20
00:02:00,642 --> 00:02:02,687
Don't forget to
water the flowers.
21
00:02:10,086 --> 00:02:12,132
Now, I'd like your strict
attention, people, please.
22
00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:13,307
I have some announcements.
23
00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:14,525
Corporal O'Reilly.
24
00:02:16,875 --> 00:02:18,181
Clipboard, sir!
25
00:02:24,318 --> 00:02:28,017
A can of Danish ham is
missing from my office.
26
00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:31,629
It was a personal ham sent
to me by my insurance man.
27
00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:34,937
Now, unless the guilty party,
whoever he and/or she is,
28
00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:36,460
returns it immediately,
29
00:02:36,504 --> 00:02:40,682
he, she or they will be
severely disciplined.
30
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Scrub room detail.
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[wheels clanking]
32
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Here we are.
This is good.
33
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The corner of 42nd Street
and Filth Avenue.
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[laughter]
35
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Captain!
36
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No man calls me
that and lives.
37
00:03:02,051 --> 00:03:04,532
Captain Pierce, officers
returning from leave
38
00:03:04,575 --> 00:03:05,663
are supposed to check in
with the commanding officer
39
00:03:05,707 --> 00:03:07,230
upon their return!
40
00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:08,971
Hello, honey, I'm home.
41
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What's the tab, Melvin?
42
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Ten bucks, American.
43
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Here's 20. Buy yourself
a new bicycle seat
44
00:03:19,416 --> 00:03:20,678
before you get hemorrhoids.
45
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-Thanks, Joe.
-[laughter]
46
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Consider it a gift from
a man who has everything.
47
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Captain Pierce!
48
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For you, Frank.
49
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It's a MacArthur doll.
50
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Wind him up and he
returns from anywhere.
51
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Pierce, stop!
52
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MARGARET: He's defying
your authority.
53
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FRANK:
Oh, I'll handle that.
54
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Blow them away, Corporal.
55
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:46,138
♪♪ [mess call]
56
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,116
Hawkeye? Hey!
57
00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:09,292
Hawkeye?
58
00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:10,554
Hey, Hawkeye?
59
00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:12,252
Just one note, Radar,
60
00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:13,949
and I'll show you a new way
to play that thing.
61
00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:15,298
Oh, no, I wasn't gonna--
62
00:04:15,342 --> 00:04:16,473
-Listen.
-Shush.
63
00:04:16,517 --> 00:04:19,041
Softly, Radar.
Talk in small letters.
64
00:04:19,084 --> 00:04:21,478
I have the Mount Rushmore
of hangovers.
65
00:04:21,522 --> 00:04:24,002
Six aspirin companies
are bidding for my head.
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00:04:24,046 --> 00:04:25,917
But I wanna
tell you folks.
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00:04:25,961 --> 00:04:27,658
Uh, yes, sir.
Uh, we--
68
00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:29,530
Have you ever had a
mouthful of cotton, Radar?
69
00:04:29,573 --> 00:04:32,315
Uh, no, sir. We were
vegetarians. Listen--
70
00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:34,143
I think I'll have
my breakfast in here.
71
00:04:34,186 --> 00:04:36,232
Soap could only improve it.
72
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:39,104
We couldn't reach you in Tokyo.
We tried for 24 hours.
73
00:04:39,148 --> 00:04:40,976
That was the idea.
I was on R and R,
74
00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:42,630
resting and recreating.
75
00:04:42,673 --> 00:04:44,762
Yeah, well, we couldn't
find you anyplace.
76
00:04:44,806 --> 00:04:47,330
I was with
an unlisted geisha.
77
00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:49,332
She did the mile in
10 minutes and 8 seconds
78
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:51,465
and never left my back.
79
00:04:51,508 --> 00:04:53,336
Well, I just wanted you to
know we couldn't reach ya,
80
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:55,817
-and we really tried.
-What'd you need me for?
81
00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:58,080
You had Frank Burns
and trusty Trapper John,
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00:04:58,123 --> 00:05:02,040
champion of the oppressed and
molester of registered nurses.
83
00:05:02,084 --> 00:05:03,564
He's gone, Hawkeye.
84
00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:06,436
He got his orders.
He's been shipped stateside.
85
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:07,655
What?
86
00:05:07,698 --> 00:05:09,787
Trapper's gone.
He got his orders.
87
00:05:15,706 --> 00:05:16,925
Trapper went home?
88
00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:18,840
Yeah, well, he's on his way.
89
00:05:18,883 --> 00:05:21,756
What the hell are you
talking about? How? When?
90
00:05:21,799 --> 00:05:23,845
Well, he found out
about three days ago.
91
00:05:23,888 --> 00:05:25,455
Why didn't you call me?
92
00:05:25,499 --> 00:05:27,892
I said we tried!
93
00:05:29,590 --> 00:05:30,765
I can't believe it.
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00:05:30,808 --> 00:05:32,157
Neither could he.
95
00:05:32,201 --> 00:05:33,681
He got drunk for two days,
96
00:05:33,724 --> 00:05:35,422
and then he ran naked
through the mess tent
97
00:05:35,465 --> 00:05:37,815
with no clothes on.
98
00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:40,514
How could he leave
without saying goodbye?
99
00:05:40,557 --> 00:05:43,647
Well, he waited around
as long as he could.
100
00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:45,693
No note? A letter?
Nothing?
101
00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:48,130
Uh, no.
102
00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:52,047
Nothing?
103
00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:54,528
Well, he did say that I should
give you something, but, uh--
104
00:05:54,571 --> 00:05:56,704
What-what-what-what-what?
What-what-what?
105
00:05:56,747 --> 00:05:58,270
Ah, gee, I can't.
106
00:05:58,314 --> 00:05:59,620
What?
107
00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:01,796
[sighs]
108
00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:04,581
Okay, but just remember,
this was his idea.
109
00:06:09,804 --> 00:06:11,371
How long ago
did he leave?
110
00:06:11,414 --> 00:06:12,720
Couple hours.
111
00:06:12,763 --> 00:06:14,243
He's taking an early
plane out of Kimpo.
112
00:06:14,286 --> 00:06:15,723
-Today? This morning?
-Yeah.
113
00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:19,901
Oh, no! Aw, gee!
114
00:06:25,254 --> 00:06:27,865
FRANK: I don't mind
the disrespect
behind my back.
115
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It's the "in front of
people" that hurts.
116
00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:32,392
I just wish Pierce had gone
and McIntyre had stayed.
117
00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:33,610
Oh, Frank,
118
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-have you forgotten?
-Hmm?
119
00:06:35,438 --> 00:06:37,353
The time Mclntyre sedated you
120
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:40,095
and shaved every bit
of hair off your body.
121
00:06:40,138 --> 00:06:41,749
Well, he was still
better than Pierce.
122
00:06:41,792 --> 00:06:44,447
God only knows how he
carried on in Tokyo.
123
00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,580
-I'm sure.
-Oh, Margaret.
124
00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:48,233
Margaret, whatever happened
125
00:06:48,277 --> 00:06:50,497
to good old meat-and-potatoes
Christianity?
126
00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:52,760
Whatever happened
to Aimee McPherson?
127
00:06:52,803 --> 00:06:55,763
Poor soul went up in her plane
and was never heard from again.
128
00:06:55,806 --> 00:06:57,765
Frank, that was
Amelia Earhart.
129
00:06:57,808 --> 00:06:59,810
Oh, yeah.
130
00:06:59,854 --> 00:07:03,901
Well, there's still a few giants
left in this old world.
131
00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:06,121
Do you think it'd be
all right if I took a pen
132
00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:08,428
and wrote in a bold,
military hand
133
00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:11,909
"To Frank, with eternal
gratitude, Doug"?
134
00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:13,607
I do not.
135
00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:15,304
Oh, gee, Margaret!
136
00:07:15,347 --> 00:07:16,479
Ever since I've been
commanding officer,
137
00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:18,046
you don't let me do anything.
138
00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:20,178
-Frank?
-Well, it's about
time you checked in.
139
00:07:20,222 --> 00:07:21,963
I'm checking out.
140
00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:23,486
I'm going to Kimpo to
say goodbye to Trapper.
141
00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:24,922
You're not
going anywhere.
142
00:07:24,966 --> 00:07:27,447
And stop leaking
on my desk!
143
00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:28,926
Frank, I lived with
the guy for over a year.
144
00:07:28,970 --> 00:07:30,537
He's my best friend.
145
00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:32,495
You're exaggerating
his importance.
146
00:07:32,539 --> 00:07:35,193
He was very important
to you too, Frank.
147
00:07:35,237 --> 00:07:36,978
-Says who?
-For over a year,
148
00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:39,981
he kept me from killing you.
I'll see you in two hours.
149
00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:43,375
Pierce, we cannot be caught
with our complement down.
150
00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:45,726
Listen, Mrs. First Lady,
I checked.
151
00:07:45,769 --> 00:07:47,771
We've only got two
patients in post-op:
152
00:07:47,815 --> 00:07:49,947
a nurse who was bitten on her
nameplate by Sergeant Niles
153
00:07:49,991 --> 00:07:52,776
and Sergeant Niles
with a broken jaw.
154
00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:55,997
Uh, papers just came through
on Captain Hunnicutt, sir.
155
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:57,912
-Who?
-Captain McIntyre's
replacement.
156
00:07:57,955 --> 00:07:59,391
He's due at Kimpo
within the hour.
157
00:07:59,435 --> 00:08:01,219
Permission granted
to go pick him up?
158
00:08:01,263 --> 00:08:03,526
Permission granted,
Corporal.
159
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,659
Oh, sorry, Major.
160
00:08:05,702 --> 00:08:07,051
Hmm?
Oh, it's all right, Major.
161
00:08:07,095 --> 00:08:08,923
Permission granted, Corporal.
162
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:10,402
Thank you, Major.
Major.
163
00:08:10,446 --> 00:08:12,448
Now why are you wet, too?
164
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:16,147
Uh, must be something
in the water, sir.
165
00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:18,585
Well, take it off.
First get into a dry uniform.
166
00:08:18,628 --> 00:08:19,760
Rats ate it.
167
00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:21,326
Oh, Lord.
168
00:08:21,370 --> 00:08:24,504
Request permission to
go to my quarters, sir!
169
00:08:24,547 --> 00:08:27,245
-Oh, scram.
-Scramming, sir!
170
00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:32,990
What a dodo.
171
00:08:33,034 --> 00:08:34,470
Frank, look.
172
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,341
Hunnicutt's fresh
out of residency.
173
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,214
Stanford Medical School.
Wonderful qualifications.
174
00:08:39,257 --> 00:08:41,564
And look at this.
Tau Phi Epsilon.
175
00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:43,435
Is that a very
selective fraternity?
176
00:08:43,479 --> 00:08:45,307
Very.
They blackballed me.
177
00:08:45,350 --> 00:08:46,743
Oh, Frank.
178
00:08:46,787 --> 00:08:48,310
Well, they insisted on
double-breasted tuxedos.
179
00:08:48,353 --> 00:08:50,225
-I didn't have one.
-Poor baby.
180
00:08:50,268 --> 00:08:52,575
I dyed my brown suit,
but it ran when I danced.
181
00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,534
You do tend to
perspire, Frank.
182
00:08:54,577 --> 00:08:56,448
Well, it's a family thing,
on my mother's side.
183
00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:59,060
Dad was always dry,
but Mom sweated a lot.
184
00:08:59,103 --> 00:09:01,323
Yeah, I've got his face
and her glands.
185
00:09:01,366 --> 00:09:02,846
Look at this.
186
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:05,022
Top ten every time
he graduated.
187
00:09:05,066 --> 00:09:07,024
Well, he certainly sounds
like our kind of person.
188
00:09:07,068 --> 00:09:08,460
[chuckles]
189
00:09:08,504 --> 00:09:10,375
Oh, it'll be
a welcome change
190
00:09:10,419 --> 00:09:13,553
from all that guff we took
from those two smartskis.
191
00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:16,599
Hunnicutt.
Hunnicutt.
192
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:18,601
I knew a Dr. Hunnicutt.
193
00:09:18,645 --> 00:09:21,778
He was killed in an explosion
at the goiter clinic.
194
00:09:21,822 --> 00:09:23,214
What an opportunity.
195
00:09:23,258 --> 00:09:25,739
A young doctor on
his first assignment,
196
00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:28,002
and we'll train him
our way, Frank.
197
00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:30,787
You know, Margaret,
I have a feeling.
198
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:32,746
I'll bet he's Republican.
199
00:09:32,789 --> 00:09:34,138
Oh...
200
00:09:34,182 --> 00:09:37,228
that would be
too much to ask.
201
00:09:37,272 --> 00:09:38,708
Thanks, Igor.
202
00:09:40,101 --> 00:09:41,581
-Move over, Radar. -Why?
203
00:09:41,624 --> 00:09:43,931
Because you drive
like I spit. Come on.
204
00:09:43,974 --> 00:09:45,410
You're not supposed
to go with me.
205
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:47,151
-Move!
-Is that a direct order?
206
00:09:47,195 --> 00:09:48,631
Would I do that to you?
207
00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:50,764
Come on, Major Burns will
have my tail in a sling.
208
00:09:50,807 --> 00:09:53,201
-He'll never know. -He's crazy!
209
00:09:53,244 --> 00:09:55,638
He's always feeling my
toothbrush to see if it's wet.
210
00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:59,076
Wakes me up at night and
inspects me in my shorts.
211
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,122
-Radar.
-I can't.
212
00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:04,604
Who lets you develop
the nurses' chest X-rays, huh?
213
00:10:07,302 --> 00:10:10,305
Who stayed up with you
the night your earthworm
farm was wiped out?
214
00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:14,396
If anybody asks,
I'm completely ignorant.
215
00:10:14,439 --> 00:10:16,398
I'll swear to that
in court.
216
00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:30,281
[horn honking]
217
00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:43,033
Ha ha!
218
00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:47,647
[laughing] Wow!
Isn't this terrific?
219
00:10:47,690 --> 00:10:49,170
Whoo! Ha ha ha!
220
00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:51,520
Whee!
221
00:10:53,087 --> 00:10:55,611
[whooping]
222
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,395
[laughing]
223
00:10:57,439 --> 00:11:01,312
Wow, is this fun! Ya-hoo!
224
00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:04,359
Radar, please. I'm trying
to get a little sleep.
225
00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:05,926
Yeah. Hee hee hee hee!
226
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:11,453
Oh, gee.
227
00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:15,196
Checkpoint.
228
00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:19,679
What are you doing?
You're not stopping!
229
00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:20,941
-Quiet!
-Hey!
230
00:11:20,984 --> 00:11:23,204
SOLDIER: Hey, you,
where're you going?
231
00:11:23,247 --> 00:11:25,641
Get back here! Hey!
232
00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:28,818
Oh, boy, now
we're in trouble!
233
00:11:28,862 --> 00:11:30,298
He's calling ahead.
234
00:11:30,341 --> 00:11:32,213
What are they gonna do?
Throw us out of the war?
235
00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:37,305
Thanks. I'll get 'em.
236
00:11:37,348 --> 00:11:39,481
Pull up. Block the road.
237
00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:50,274
I hated going through that
checkpoint, Lieutenant.
238
00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:51,406
Yeah?
239
00:11:51,449 --> 00:11:52,929
I got a pretty
sick boy back here.
240
00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:55,540
I'm Captain Pierce,
surgeon, 4077th.
241
00:11:55,584 --> 00:11:57,194
I gotta get him to
the hospital, 121st.
242
00:11:57,238 --> 00:11:58,543
What's wrong with him?
243
00:11:58,587 --> 00:11:59,980
Neuropraxia.
244
00:12:00,023 --> 00:12:01,677
Worst case I've ever seen.
245
00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:04,288
What's that?
246
00:12:04,332 --> 00:12:06,073
Neuropraxia?
247
00:12:06,116 --> 00:12:08,815
It's a temporary
loss of nerve function.
248
00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:10,381
I got him sedated now.
249
00:12:10,425 --> 00:12:11,948
Otherwise,
he'd foam at the mouth,
250
00:12:11,992 --> 00:12:13,863
crawl on the ground,
try to bite his nose.
251
00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:15,256
It's pretty awful.
252
00:12:16,866 --> 00:12:18,607
And very contagious.
253
00:12:20,348 --> 00:12:21,915
Aren't you
afraid to get it?
254
00:12:21,958 --> 00:12:25,005
I can only carry the germ.
255
00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:27,050
Oh, okay, he's okay.
256
00:12:27,094 --> 00:12:28,878
Move him out.
257
00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:30,358
-Move him out. -Thanks,
Lieutenant.
258
00:12:30,401 --> 00:12:31,751
-Love your work.
-Move.
259
00:12:40,672 --> 00:12:42,631
Boy, you got the guts
of a burglar.
260
00:12:42,674 --> 00:12:44,720
I'm not missing Trapper.
261
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:48,245
Hey, was that true what you
said back there to that M.P.
262
00:12:48,289 --> 00:12:51,205
about that
"neurotaxicab" whatever?
263
00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:55,905
Neurapraxia.
It's a real sickness.
264
00:12:55,949 --> 00:12:59,300
But don't worry.
Only people who bite
their nails can get it.
265
00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:20,103
MAN [on P.A.]:
Sergeant Sturner,
report to maintenance.
266
00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:22,497
Sergeant Sturner,
on the double.
267
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:27,981
There's the MATS office,
right there.
268
00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:29,721
-They'll probably know
where Trapper is.
-Yeah.
269
00:13:29,765 --> 00:13:31,419
I'm gonna try to find
Captain Hunnicutt.
270
00:13:31,462 --> 00:13:33,116
Yeah, yeah,
you do that, Radar.
271
00:13:34,509 --> 00:13:36,076
I can't understand it, sir.
272
00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:37,991
The pickles were flown
here top priority,
273
00:13:38,034 --> 00:13:39,862
along with the pimientos.
Yes, sir.
274
00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:41,429
The general did get
the pimientos, didn't he?
275
00:13:41,472 --> 00:13:42,778
Sergeant.
276
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,694
Uh, yeah, yes, sir.
Are you sure, Colonel?
277
00:13:45,737 --> 00:13:47,435
I specifically ordered
red pimientos.
278
00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:49,567
I know how the general
hates the green ones.
279
00:13:49,611 --> 00:13:51,482
Yes, sir, I will
definitely follow through
280
00:13:51,526 --> 00:13:52,875
on the pickles
and pimientos.
281
00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:55,051
Who's in charge
of the delicatessen?
282
00:13:56,357 --> 00:13:58,185
Uh, golf balls--
283
00:13:58,228 --> 00:14:00,013
golf balls
are no problem, sir.
284
00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:01,884
Uh, how many gross, sir?
285
00:14:01,928 --> 00:14:04,887
Where are your flight
manifests stateside?
286
00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:06,280
Yes, sir.
287
00:14:06,323 --> 00:14:08,108
Uh, one gross will
be no problem at all.
288
00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:09,849
Yes, sir. No, sir,
289
00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:11,676
One gross, sir.
Yes, sir.
290
00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:14,897
He left ten minutes ago.
291
00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:16,290
I remember-- Yes,
292
00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:17,857
I-I remember
the Swiss clock, sir--
293
00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:19,597
w-w-with a cuckoo.
294
00:14:19,641 --> 00:14:21,991
Yes, sir, y-yes,
I have it all down, sir.
295
00:14:22,035 --> 00:14:23,253
Thanks.
296
00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:25,995
Pickles, pimientos,
balls, and cuckoos.
297
00:14:32,132 --> 00:14:33,568
Uh, Captain Pierce?
298
00:14:33,611 --> 00:14:35,526
Uh, Captain Pierce, sir,
Captain Hunnicutt.
299
00:14:35,570 --> 00:14:37,180
I missed Trapper
by ten minutes.
300
00:14:37,224 --> 00:14:38,486
-Aw.
-Ten lousy minutes!
301
00:14:38,529 --> 00:14:40,053
Captain Pierce.
302
00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,142
Hi. Can you believe that?
303
00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:43,926
You couldn't have
droven any faster.
304
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:46,320
I let that geisha take one
too many laps on my back.
305
00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,104
Anything
I can help with?
306
00:14:48,148 --> 00:14:49,279
-Huh?
-Can I help?
307
00:14:49,323 --> 00:14:50,977
No, no, no, forget it.
308
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,369
-Let's go home, all right?
-Let's go home.
309
00:14:52,413 --> 00:14:53,762
Yeah, let's get outta here.
310
00:15:00,290 --> 00:15:01,552
Where's the jeep, Radar?
311
00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:02,814
It's right here!
312
00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:04,468
There is no jeep here.
313
00:15:04,512 --> 00:15:05,817
There's only a whole
lot of here here.
314
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:08,211
I knew it! I knew it!
I knew it!
315
00:15:08,255 --> 00:15:10,431
-All right,
it's no sweat, no sweat.
-Oh, gee, it's been stolen!
316
00:15:10,474 --> 00:15:12,215
-All right.
-Listen, I'm responsible.
317
00:15:12,259 --> 00:15:13,608
I signed that jeep out!
318
00:15:13,651 --> 00:15:16,263
I'll have to pay for it,
and I'm poor!
319
00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:19,657
-Hey! Somebody help!
-[horn blaring]
320
00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:20,745
Hey!
321
00:15:20,789 --> 00:15:22,312
Holy cow!
322
00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:24,053
Things always
this calm around here?
323
00:15:24,097 --> 00:15:26,099
-It's the only war in town.
-I gotta get it back.
324
00:15:26,142 --> 00:15:28,666
-Call an M.P. Hey, hey, hey!
-Radar. Radar!
325
00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:30,712
-Radar.
-Hey!
326
00:15:30,755 --> 00:15:32,105
If you can keep your head
327
00:15:32,148 --> 00:15:33,976
while all about you
are losing theirs,
328
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:35,630
then you probably
haven't checked with
your answering service.
329
00:15:35,673 --> 00:15:36,631
Rudyard Kipling.
330
00:15:38,198 --> 00:15:40,374
Give that man
a lady in the balcony.
331
00:15:40,417 --> 00:15:42,289
Hey, listen, that jeep
is government property.
332
00:15:42,332 --> 00:15:43,638
So are you.
333
00:15:45,118 --> 00:15:46,946
I never thought
of it that way.
334
00:15:46,989 --> 00:15:49,949
Pierce, I'm just
a little confused.
335
00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:52,777
Hawkeye. And don't
let a little confusion
throw you, Captain.
336
00:15:52,821 --> 00:15:54,692
-B.J.
-One of the first things
337
00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:56,303
you learn over here, B.J.,
338
00:15:56,346 --> 00:15:59,088
is that insanity is no worse
than the common cold.
339
00:15:59,132 --> 00:16:02,004
How are we gonna get back?
We don't got any wheels.
340
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:04,354
Here is the eminent
Captain Hunnicutt,
341
00:16:04,398 --> 00:16:06,052
fresh from the U.S. of A.,
342
00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:08,880
and you and I are
talking about cars.
343
00:16:08,924 --> 00:16:11,535
Let us welcome yon weary
traveler with food and drink.
344
00:16:11,579 --> 00:16:13,233
-Kipling? -Auto Club.
345
00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:14,669
Right.
346
00:16:14,712 --> 00:16:17,150
Hey, hey, wait a minute.
I can't go in there.
347
00:16:17,193 --> 00:16:18,978
Pish-tosh.
348
00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:20,805
Ah, come on.
I'm just a corporal.
349
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:22,633
You think that kept Hitler
out of the officers' club?
350
00:16:22,677 --> 00:16:24,505
Hey, I really wouldn't wanna
get him into any trouble.
351
00:16:24,548 --> 00:16:27,247
No problem. Just let me have
some of your costume jewelry.
352
00:16:27,290 --> 00:16:30,467
Uh, I've only had five weeks
of indoctrination.
353
00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:32,208
Is this what they call
a field promotion?
354
00:16:32,252 --> 00:16:33,644
For being brave
and nearsighted
355
00:16:33,688 --> 00:16:35,037
above and beyond
the call.
356
00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:36,865
Losing a jeep,
357
00:16:36,908 --> 00:16:38,780
impersonating an officer,
all in two hours.
358
00:16:38,823 --> 00:16:41,391
If I get in trouble,
my mother will kill me!
359
00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:43,002
What are mothers for?
360
00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:44,264
Gosh.
361
00:16:44,307 --> 00:16:46,744
Hey, wait a minute.
What about my stripes?
362
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:48,703
Radar, you've heard of
lieutenant generals,
363
00:16:48,746 --> 00:16:50,226
sergeant majors?
364
00:16:50,270 --> 00:16:52,707
You are now
a corporal captain.
365
00:17:02,151 --> 00:17:04,110
Maybe I'd better
wait in the car.
366
00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:05,720
Radar, there is
no car to wait in.
367
00:17:05,763 --> 00:17:07,678
That's what we came
in here to forget.
368
00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:09,680
I forgot.
369
00:17:09,724 --> 00:17:11,160
Uh, what'll you have,
Captain?
370
00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:13,162
-Bourbon and water.
-And you, Captain?
371
00:17:15,512 --> 00:17:17,079
-Captain?
-Not so loud.
372
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:20,256
I'll have my usual--
a Grape Nehi.
373
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:22,606
Uh, two bourbon and water,
374
00:17:22,650 --> 00:17:25,653
and a Grape Nehi
for Captain O'Reilly.
375
00:17:25,696 --> 00:17:28,830
[jet engines roaring overhead]
376
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:32,747
They always fly so low?
377
00:17:32,790 --> 00:17:35,880
They're not low. The ground
here is very high.
378
00:17:35,924 --> 00:17:38,622
He's not usually like this.
He's just like that.
379
00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:40,102
You're gonna
love it over here.
380
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:41,973
Camping out,
betting on rat races,
381
00:17:42,017 --> 00:17:43,801
hot and cold
running dysentery.
382
00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:45,716
To think what I've been missing.
383
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,892
-You married?
-Mm-hmm.
384
00:17:47,936 --> 00:17:49,807
You bring your
wife with you?
385
00:17:49,851 --> 00:17:52,114
I thought I'd come ahead
and check it out.
386
00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:53,768
-Hmm.
-You married?
387
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:56,727
Someone's gonna have to
get me pregnant first.
388
00:17:56,771 --> 00:17:58,425
Ah, there's two
on the aisle.
389
00:18:09,871 --> 00:18:12,395
Thank you.
390
00:18:12,439 --> 00:18:15,355
Does the, uh,
captain want a straw?
391
00:18:17,139 --> 00:18:19,489
We don't use straws
in combat, fella.
392
00:18:23,841 --> 00:18:25,234
B.J., welcome to Korea.
393
00:18:27,018 --> 00:18:29,064
Land of the Morning Calm.
394
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:32,111
For 5,000 years,
50 centuries,
395
00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:34,069
fought over,
mauled, and occupied
396
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,332
by Mongols,
Manchus, Chinese,
397
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:39,901
Russians, Japanese, Americans,
16 U.N. Countries,
398
00:18:39,944 --> 00:18:42,382
and appearing this week only
Professor Jerry Colonna.
399
00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:43,644
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
400
00:18:43,687 --> 00:18:45,385
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
401
00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:50,607
[exhale]
402
00:18:50,651 --> 00:18:53,393
There's real
grape flavor in this.
403
00:18:53,436 --> 00:18:55,221
Tough it out, cowboy.
404
00:18:55,264 --> 00:18:57,658
Why didn't you let me
stand outside, Hawkeye?
405
00:18:57,701 --> 00:19:00,139
Hawkeye.
Why Hawkeye?
406
00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:02,271
That's from The Last
of the Mohicans.
407
00:19:02,315 --> 00:19:04,491
My father was crazy
about that book.
408
00:19:04,534 --> 00:19:06,667
He was crazy
about Indians.
409
00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:09,060
My grandfather used
to sell 'em whiskey
and hors d'oeuvres.
410
00:19:09,104 --> 00:19:10,758
[jet engines roaring overhead]
411
00:19:13,326 --> 00:19:16,155
Feel like you just stepped
into a time machine?
412
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:18,722
Two months ago,
I'm in residency
in Sausalito.
413
00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:21,290
Little house in Mill Valley.
Peggy's eight months pregnant.
414
00:19:21,334 --> 00:19:23,727
And they draft me.
415
00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:26,252
Five weeks' training
at Fort Sam Houston.
416
00:19:26,295 --> 00:19:28,515
Bunch of doctors stumbling
around in the dark,
417
00:19:28,558 --> 00:19:30,125
totally lost.
418
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,475
Some idiot shooting
live ammo over your heads.
419
00:19:32,519 --> 00:19:33,781
American plan.
420
00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:35,478
-Hawkeye.
-Huh?
421
00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:36,958
That colonel.
422
00:19:38,438 --> 00:19:40,135
What Colonel, Radar?
423
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,615
There's enough brass in
here to make a spittoon.
424
00:19:41,658 --> 00:19:44,226
Over there at 8:00.
He keeps staring at me.
425
00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:46,663
He's probably
crazy about you.
426
00:19:46,707 --> 00:19:48,535
Go ahead, B.J.
427
00:19:48,578 --> 00:19:50,711
Then one night, Peggy and I
are at the Top of the Mark--
428
00:19:50,754 --> 00:19:53,322
her first night out
since having the baby.
429
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:55,933
We go home.
430
00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:57,370
Our baby-sitter Norma Jean
says there's a message.
431
00:19:57,413 --> 00:19:59,676
Wait a minute.
Norma Jean?
432
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,243
-Mm-hmm.
-Eighteen?
433
00:20:01,287 --> 00:20:02,679
-Sixteen.
-Ooh!
434
00:20:04,115 --> 00:20:05,595
The message?
435
00:20:05,639 --> 00:20:07,467
"In two days, report
to Travis to ship out."
436
00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:11,862
Next thing I know,
here I am.
437
00:20:13,429 --> 00:20:15,344
-Hawk?
-Huh?
438
00:20:15,388 --> 00:20:17,172
He's coming over here.
439
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:18,260
Play hard to get.
440
00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:19,566
Don't horse around.
441
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:23,874
-Boys. -Sir.
442
00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:25,789
Colonel.
443
00:20:25,833 --> 00:20:28,966
You all know this is an
officers' club, don't you?
444
00:20:29,010 --> 00:20:31,099
I'm a captain,
plainclothes division.
445
00:20:31,142 --> 00:20:32,579
Uh-huh.
446
00:20:32,622 --> 00:20:35,973
Corporal's stripes
and captain's bars?
447
00:20:36,017 --> 00:20:38,585
Uh, that's a new directive
from the Pentagon, Colonel.
448
00:20:38,628 --> 00:20:40,761
Uh, that's right
out of G2 and G3,
449
00:20:40,804 --> 00:20:43,807
making a G5 combined
officers op-tech glitch.
450
00:20:43,851 --> 00:20:46,070
Uh, we're experimenting
with a new rank--
451
00:20:46,114 --> 00:20:47,420
corporal captain.
452
00:20:47,463 --> 00:20:49,378
We're down here
making a survey--
453
00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:51,424
want to see, uh, you know,
if everybody likes it.
454
00:20:51,467 --> 00:20:54,470
Uh, asking everybody
in Seoul.
455
00:20:54,514 --> 00:20:56,994
-Coleman Hawkins, right?
-Right.
456
00:20:57,038 --> 00:20:59,301
Well, I don't like it.
I don't like it at all.
457
00:20:59,345 --> 00:21:01,608
Uh, put down one no.
One against.
458
00:21:01,651 --> 00:21:03,436
Right.
459
00:21:03,479 --> 00:21:06,047
One negative
Corporal Captain.
460
00:21:06,090 --> 00:21:07,396
Thank you, Colonel.
461
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,311
We really appreciate
your help in this.
462
00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:13,097
No, sir,
I don't like it at all.
463
00:21:14,751 --> 00:21:16,187
He doesn't like it at all.
464
00:21:17,537 --> 00:21:18,973
Play it again, Sam.
465
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,150
Another Nehi.
466
00:21:22,193 --> 00:21:23,891
Gee, if I get gas,
467
00:21:23,934 --> 00:21:25,675
nobody's ever gonna
believe I'm an officer.
468
00:21:25,719 --> 00:21:27,808
Radar, President Truman
gets gas.
469
00:21:27,851 --> 00:21:29,897
They just don't print
it in the papers.
470
00:21:29,940 --> 00:21:31,768
What's the 4077 like?
471
00:21:31,812 --> 00:21:34,597
Meatball surgery.
Nothing pretty.
472
00:21:34,641 --> 00:21:37,296
But once we get a casualty
to our front door,
473
00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:39,994
his chance of survival
is 97.8%.
474
00:21:40,037 --> 00:21:41,691
That says a lot
for the staff.
475
00:21:41,735 --> 00:21:43,650
It's a good bunch.
476
00:21:43,693 --> 00:21:47,654
You missed two of the greatest
guys in the world, though.
477
00:21:47,697 --> 00:21:50,309
Henry Blake was our C.O.
478
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:51,701
Henry was okay,
479
00:21:51,745 --> 00:21:53,834
from the navel out
in every direction.
480
00:21:53,877 --> 00:21:56,053
He sure was.
481
00:21:59,230 --> 00:22:01,842
Henry never
made it home.
482
00:22:01,885 --> 00:22:03,409
And I just missed
Trapper John,
483
00:22:03,452 --> 00:22:05,585
the guy you're replacing,
by ten minutes.
484
00:22:05,628 --> 00:22:07,848
-Ten minutes!
-We tried to call you.
485
00:22:07,891 --> 00:22:09,458
You sure he didn't leave
a message or anything?
486
00:22:09,502 --> 00:22:11,330
No. Just what I gave you.
487
00:22:11,373 --> 00:22:13,375
And please don't ask
for another one.
488
00:22:13,419 --> 00:22:15,943
Listen. Major Burns
is waiting for us.
489
00:22:15,986 --> 00:22:18,859
That's our C.O. now.
490
00:22:18,902 --> 00:22:20,513
Bottom of the barrel.
491
00:22:20,556 --> 00:22:23,907
Major Burns.
Major Frank Burns.
492
00:22:23,951 --> 00:22:25,518
Everybody calls him
Ferret Face.
493
00:22:25,561 --> 00:22:27,476
That'll give you an idea
how devoted we are to him.
494
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:30,131
-Is he a good surgeon?
-With the same light touch
495
00:22:30,174 --> 00:22:32,351
as a German jazz band.
496
00:22:32,394 --> 00:22:35,223
Number one nurses, though.
And a good young chaplain.
497
00:22:35,266 --> 00:22:36,833
You'll be bunking with me.
498
00:22:36,877 --> 00:22:38,400
Not too much snoring,
I hope.
499
00:22:38,444 --> 00:22:40,402
Only when I'm awake.
500
00:22:40,446 --> 00:22:42,056
All you really
have to worry about
501
00:22:42,099 --> 00:22:43,797
is getting me in my coffin
before the sun comes up.
502
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,842
Fair enough.
503
00:22:45,886 --> 00:22:47,844
Well, I guess we'd better
start thinking about
504
00:22:47,888 --> 00:22:49,455
how we're gonna get
back to camp, huh?
505
00:22:49,498 --> 00:22:51,457
All right, we'll have
the bill, my good man.
506
00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:53,023
$1.20.
507
00:22:53,067 --> 00:22:55,591
Ah. Pay him,
Corporal Captain.
508
00:22:57,071 --> 00:22:59,247
I only got
about 70 cents.
509
00:22:59,290 --> 00:23:02,381
A big promotion like that,
they didn't give you a raise?
510
00:23:02,424 --> 00:23:04,252
This one's on me.
511
00:23:06,907 --> 00:23:10,171
You, uh...
play poker, doctor?
512
00:23:10,214 --> 00:23:11,607
I'm not very good.
513
00:23:11,651 --> 00:23:13,392
Neither am I.
514
00:23:22,139 --> 00:23:23,706
General.
515
00:23:23,750 --> 00:23:25,273
Aah!
516
00:23:31,932 --> 00:23:34,369
Look, Radar, our jeep.
517
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:36,110
It's a general's jeep!
518
00:23:36,153 --> 00:23:37,764
No, no, no, no.
What they've done
519
00:23:37,807 --> 00:23:39,461
in order to get into
the officers' club
520
00:23:39,505 --> 00:23:40,984
is they put a general's
flag on our jeep.
521
00:23:41,028 --> 00:23:42,421
It's not!
522
00:23:42,464 --> 00:23:43,944
I can prove it. Test me.
523
00:23:43,987 --> 00:23:45,728
It's olive drab, right?
524
00:23:45,772 --> 00:23:47,251
-Well, yeah, but--
-Made in Detroit?
525
00:23:47,295 --> 00:23:49,471
-They all say--
-Has mud underneath
526
00:23:49,515 --> 00:23:51,604
and four seats that can
reduce your behind to tears?
527
00:23:51,647 --> 00:23:54,041
-Yeah, but--
-They didn't fool me
for a minute.
528
00:23:54,084 --> 00:23:56,565
-Throw your stuff
in the back, B.J.
-Right.
529
00:23:56,609 --> 00:23:58,393
Okay, but listen,
you've been drinking.
530
00:23:58,437 --> 00:23:59,612
I drive.
531
00:23:59,655 --> 00:24:01,918
All right, deal.
532
00:24:01,962 --> 00:24:03,964
Next stop,
Bed Bug City.
533
00:24:04,007 --> 00:24:05,487
Take this thing.
534
00:24:07,054 --> 00:24:10,057
Okay, Radar, follow
the yellow brick road.
535
00:24:34,124 --> 00:24:36,344
MAN [on P.A.]: Next stop
for Captain Hunnicutt,
536
00:24:36,387 --> 00:24:38,433
the 4077, and the privilege
537
00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:40,479
with working with one
of the greatest medical men
538
00:24:40,522 --> 00:24:42,132
-since Dr. Goebbels.
-[horn honking]
539
00:24:44,134 --> 00:24:45,614
I'm gonna train Hunnicutt
in my image--
540
00:24:45,658 --> 00:24:47,877
soldierly, efficient.
541
00:24:47,921 --> 00:24:49,923
Yes. Give me a man
when he's 28,
542
00:24:49,966 --> 00:24:51,533
and he's mine for life.
543
00:24:51,577 --> 00:24:52,578
[chuckling] Frank.
544
00:24:52,621 --> 00:24:53,622
Yes, dear?
545
00:24:53,666 --> 00:24:54,928
For a moment there,
546
00:24:54,971 --> 00:24:56,277
you looked
like you had a chin.
547
00:25:00,803 --> 00:25:02,805
♪♪ [theme]
548
00:25:37,630 --> 00:25:39,719
♪♪ [theme]
549
00:26:25,548 --> 00:26:29,073
MAN [on P.A.]:
September, 1952.
MASH 4077.
550
00:26:29,117 --> 00:26:31,641
Commander,
Major Frank Burns.
551
00:26:31,684 --> 00:26:33,643
FRANK: Come on, soldier,
hit the deck!
552
00:26:33,686 --> 00:26:34,992
You're supposed to
wake me, you know.
553
00:26:35,036 --> 00:26:36,559
I'm your
commanding officer.
554
00:26:37,908 --> 00:26:39,649
-Oh, Korea!
-Yeah,
555
00:26:39,692 --> 00:26:41,303
I'm not supposed to wake you.
556
00:26:41,346 --> 00:26:43,044
Oh, that's very kind
of you, sir. It's really--
557
00:26:43,087 --> 00:26:45,046
I'm not interested
in kindness.
558
00:26:45,089 --> 00:26:46,699
I've heard that, sir.
559
00:26:46,743 --> 00:26:49,441
Let's go, I wanna get
started on assembly.
560
00:26:49,485 --> 00:26:50,921
-Uh, yes, sir.
-Where's your bugle?
561
00:26:50,964 --> 00:26:52,053
It's over there.
562
00:26:54,142 --> 00:26:55,404
Where?
563
00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:57,014
In the file cabinet,
under "B."
564
00:26:59,973 --> 00:27:02,628
And your clipboard's
under "C," of course.
565
00:27:02,672 --> 00:27:04,239
No, "K."
566
00:27:04,282 --> 00:27:05,718
I'd like to know
what you're doing
567
00:27:05,762 --> 00:27:07,024
in this man's army.
568
00:27:07,068 --> 00:27:08,895
Me, too, sir.
569
00:27:08,939 --> 00:27:11,289
All right, let's move.
570
00:27:11,333 --> 00:27:13,987
Hey-yup,
hey-yup, hey-yup.
571
00:27:14,031 --> 00:27:16,729
Hey-yup,
hey-yup, hey-yup.
572
00:27:16,773 --> 00:27:19,428
Hey-yup,
hey-yup, hey-yup.
573
00:27:19,471 --> 00:27:22,083
Hey-yup,
hey-yup, hey-yup.
574
00:27:22,126 --> 00:27:24,085
Hey-yup, hey-yup.
575
00:27:24,128 --> 00:27:27,175
Hey-yup,
hey-yup, hey-yup.
576
00:27:27,218 --> 00:27:29,351
Hey-yuppy-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.
577
00:27:29,394 --> 00:27:31,744
[imitating
military drum beat]
578
00:27:48,021 --> 00:27:49,806
-Synchronize watches.
-Right.
579
00:27:49,849 --> 00:27:52,330
-Uh, sir?
-What is it?
580
00:27:52,374 --> 00:27:53,766
I dropped my watch
in the latrine,
581
00:27:53,810 --> 00:27:55,768
and I really don't
want it back.
582
00:27:55,812 --> 00:27:57,553
Just purse your lips
and stand by.
583
00:28:02,253 --> 00:28:05,169
Coming up 0516, hack!
584
00:28:05,213 --> 00:28:06,127
Hack!
585
00:28:08,564 --> 00:28:09,521
Now.
586
00:28:09,565 --> 00:28:11,958
♪♪ [off-key]
587
00:28:17,268 --> 00:28:19,183
Captain Pierce arrived
in his own fashion,
588
00:28:19,227 --> 00:28:22,143
having spent six days
in Tokyo on R and R
589
00:28:22,186 --> 00:28:23,927
and R and R and R.
590
00:28:23,970 --> 00:28:25,581
Here we are.
This is good.
591
00:28:25,624 --> 00:28:28,061
The corner of 42nd Street
and Filth Avenue.
592
00:28:28,105 --> 00:28:30,368
Radar informed Hawkeye
593
00:28:30,412 --> 00:28:32,196
that Trapper John
had been discharged
594
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:34,981
and was down in Seoul
to take a plane stateside.
595
00:28:35,025 --> 00:28:36,940
[military drum beat]
596
00:28:36,983 --> 00:28:39,508
Disobeying Major Burns'
order to remain in camp,
597
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:41,249
Hawkeye took off for Seoul,
598
00:28:41,292 --> 00:28:43,120
and while he missed Trapper,
599
00:28:43,164 --> 00:28:44,861
he did meet his replacement.
600
00:28:49,648 --> 00:28:51,084
Uh, Captain Pierce?
601
00:28:51,128 --> 00:28:52,999
Captain Pierce, sir,
Captain Hunnicutt.
602
00:28:53,043 --> 00:28:54,523
I missed Trapper
by ten minutes.
603
00:28:54,566 --> 00:28:55,741
-Ten lousy minutes!
-Aw.
604
00:28:55,785 --> 00:28:57,090
Captain Pierce.
605
00:28:57,134 --> 00:28:58,570
Hi. Can you believe that?
606
00:28:58,614 --> 00:29:00,181
You couldn't have
droven any faster.
607
00:29:00,224 --> 00:29:02,052
Their own jeep stolen,
608
00:29:02,095 --> 00:29:04,315
they naturally stole
one owned by a general
609
00:29:04,359 --> 00:29:06,056
and started off for camp.
610
00:29:07,492 --> 00:29:10,713
Meanwhile,
back in paradise...
611
00:29:10,756 --> 00:29:12,715
-Major Burns.
-Major.
612
00:29:12,758 --> 00:29:13,672
Father.
613
00:29:16,284 --> 00:29:18,373
Did you give permission
that I didn't know about
614
00:29:18,416 --> 00:29:20,113
for Captain Pierce
to leave this camp?
615
00:29:20,157 --> 00:29:21,854
I certainly did not!
616
00:29:21,898 --> 00:29:24,074
[sigh] Well, he's not
anywhere to be found.
617
00:29:24,117 --> 00:29:25,118
-Nowhere?
-That's right!
618
00:29:25,162 --> 00:29:26,424
Have you looked
everywhere?
619
00:29:26,468 --> 00:29:28,034
Obviously I've
looked everywhere,
620
00:29:28,078 --> 00:29:29,775
if I know that he's not
anywhere or nowhere!
621
00:29:29,819 --> 00:29:31,603
I'm sure it can
all be explained.
622
00:29:31,647 --> 00:29:33,388
Oh, you keep your
nose out of this!
623
00:29:33,431 --> 00:29:35,390
-Frank!
-Oh, sorry, Father.
624
00:29:35,433 --> 00:29:37,740
Sorry, Mother--
Margaret.
625
00:29:53,669 --> 00:29:56,715
Hey! I lost my hat!
I lost my hat!
626
00:29:56,759 --> 00:29:58,369
Your cookies will be next.
627
00:30:00,371 --> 00:30:02,634
Holy Toledo!
It's the same M.P.!
628
00:30:02,678 --> 00:30:04,462
I told them to wait.
629
00:30:04,506 --> 00:30:06,595
Why'd you do that?
Oh, you didn't do that!
630
00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:07,813
I'm just joking.
631
00:30:07,857 --> 00:30:09,032
Well, this ain't funny.
632
00:30:09,075 --> 00:30:10,381
That's the trick, Radar.
633
00:30:11,904 --> 00:30:13,819
You sure put in
a long day, Lieutenant.
634
00:30:15,212 --> 00:30:18,041
A lot of infiltrators
on the road.
635
00:30:18,084 --> 00:30:21,000
Yeah. They sure give
the war a bad name.
636
00:30:21,044 --> 00:30:22,654
There was no room
for him at the 121st,
637
00:30:22,698 --> 00:30:25,788
so we're taking him
back to the 4077.
638
00:30:25,831 --> 00:30:27,093
He can drive now?
639
00:30:27,137 --> 00:30:31,402
It's good therapy.
This is Dr. Hunnicutt.
640
00:30:31,446 --> 00:30:34,100
-Hunnicutt?
-B.J.: Yo.
641
00:30:34,144 --> 00:30:38,453
Specialist. We flew him in
for his operation.
642
00:30:38,496 --> 00:30:40,281
Soon as we get back,
he's gonna...
643
00:30:40,324 --> 00:30:41,630
get on his nerves.
644
00:30:41,673 --> 00:30:44,110
And he can drive now?
645
00:30:44,154 --> 00:30:46,287
We put a temporary
filling in his ear.
646
00:30:53,555 --> 00:30:54,773
Different.
647
00:30:54,817 --> 00:30:56,558
Different?
648
00:30:56,601 --> 00:30:57,950
Different jeep.
649
00:30:59,387 --> 00:31:01,127
The jeep is different!
650
00:31:01,171 --> 00:31:04,217
Oh! Yes! Yeah. Sharp eye,
Lieutenant. Good.
651
00:31:04,261 --> 00:31:05,784
Uh, yes,
this different jeep
652
00:31:05,828 --> 00:31:08,352
is definitely
a different jeep.
653
00:31:08,396 --> 00:31:10,136
We picked it up in Seoul.
654
00:31:10,180 --> 00:31:13,923
It was stolen
from our C.O. [chuckle]
655
00:31:13,966 --> 00:31:15,316
What's his name?
656
00:31:15,359 --> 00:31:18,884
Uh, Major Burns.
Major Frank Burns.
657
00:31:18,928 --> 00:31:20,843
Medicine's answer
to longevity.
658
00:31:20,886 --> 00:31:22,148
Frank Burns.
659
00:31:22,192 --> 00:31:23,759
Or Ferret Face.
He answers to both.
660
00:31:25,891 --> 00:31:28,285
Oh. This is weird.
661
00:31:28,329 --> 00:31:30,200
[Radar muttering]
662
00:31:30,243 --> 00:31:32,376
[muttering, gibbering]
663
00:31:32,420 --> 00:31:34,857
[chatter]
664
00:31:34,900 --> 00:31:36,598
-This could be a--
-Move out!
665
00:31:43,431 --> 00:31:45,215
[whooping]
666
00:31:48,436 --> 00:31:49,480
Yahoo!
667
00:32:12,460 --> 00:32:14,462
Stop up ahead, Radar.
Stop!
668
00:32:17,987 --> 00:32:19,771
Will you stop that! Stop!
669
00:32:19,815 --> 00:32:21,338
-RADAR: Hey!
-Hey, what's going on?
670
00:32:21,382 --> 00:32:24,341
They're making sure the field
is okay for farming.
671
00:32:24,385 --> 00:32:26,343
The daughters are checking
for land mines.
672
00:32:26,387 --> 00:32:29,172
If the girls survive,
it's safe for the ox.
673
00:32:29,215 --> 00:32:31,479
[speaking Korean]
674
00:32:34,264 --> 00:32:36,179
B.J.: You mean there are
live mines in that field?
675
00:32:36,222 --> 00:32:37,833
HAWKEYE:
I say we don't find out.
676
00:32:37,876 --> 00:32:40,270
Hey! Stop it!
677
00:32:42,533 --> 00:32:44,622
-Chung-ji.
-Chung-ji!
678
00:32:48,887 --> 00:32:50,628
Chung-ji!
679
00:32:50,672 --> 00:32:52,238
Who's the father?
Are you the father?
680
00:32:52,282 --> 00:32:54,719
[speaking Korean]
681
00:32:54,763 --> 00:32:55,938
RADAR:
He told 'em to go ahead
682
00:32:55,981 --> 00:32:57,374
and not pay
no attention to ya.
683
00:32:57,418 --> 00:32:58,636
HAWKEYE:
Is he crazy?
684
00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:00,246
Listen to me! Listen!
How can you do this?
685
00:33:00,290 --> 00:33:01,465
You know what
you're doing?
686
00:33:01,509 --> 00:33:03,119
Usan!
687
00:33:03,162 --> 00:33:04,512
That's what you are.
You understand that?
688
00:33:04,555 --> 00:33:05,817
That's in your
own language.
689
00:33:05,861 --> 00:33:07,297
Usan.That's what you
are! What?
690
00:33:07,340 --> 00:33:09,430
You just called him
an umbrella.
691
00:33:09,473 --> 00:33:11,257
What? How do ya--
What's the-what's the word--
692
00:33:11,301 --> 00:33:12,258
[explosion]
693
00:33:15,479 --> 00:33:17,481
Radar! How are you
gonna get out?
694
00:33:17,525 --> 00:33:19,048
-Radar!
-B.J.: Radar!
695
00:33:19,091 --> 00:33:20,484
What are you doing?
Are you crazy?
696
00:33:20,528 --> 00:33:21,659
-Come back here!
-O'Reilly, come here!
697
00:33:21,703 --> 00:33:23,095
-Come back here!
-O'Reilly!
698
00:33:23,139 --> 00:33:25,141
-Be careful!
-How are you gonna
get out again?
699
00:33:25,184 --> 00:33:26,838
Radar!
700
00:33:26,882 --> 00:33:28,710
Come on, follow me.
Hold on to me.
701
00:33:28,753 --> 00:33:30,189
-Go slow.
-Put your feet
in the same spots.
702
00:33:30,233 --> 00:33:32,627
Watch it! Come back
the way you went in.
703
00:33:32,670 --> 00:33:34,542
Straight. Will you just
come straight toward us?
704
00:33:34,585 --> 00:33:36,413
-Easy, easy. Okay, come on!
-Come back toward us, Radar.
705
00:33:36,457 --> 00:33:37,414
B.J.: Easy, easy!
706
00:33:38,502 --> 00:33:40,243
Be careful!
707
00:33:40,286 --> 00:33:41,505
Come straight, Radar!
708
00:33:41,549 --> 00:33:42,637
-That's it. Easy, easy.
-Yeah, easy.
709
00:33:47,468 --> 00:33:49,774
Oh. Get her. Easy.
710
00:33:49,818 --> 00:33:51,646
Fragments in her leg.
Shock.
711
00:33:51,689 --> 00:33:53,386
Here, I guess the army's
got a few more of these.
712
00:33:53,430 --> 00:33:55,432
-Get her in the jeep, will ya?
-Holy cow!
713
00:33:58,348 --> 00:33:59,741
-Hey, hey, hey, hey!
-No, we can't take everybody.
714
00:33:59,784 --> 00:34:01,351
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
715
00:34:01,394 --> 00:34:02,961
-Wait, but, madam,
just a minute.
-What are you doing?
716
00:34:03,005 --> 00:34:04,354
-We can't take the whole--
-Hey, you--
717
00:34:04,397 --> 00:34:06,356
No, no, the ox
does not ride for free.
718
00:34:06,399 --> 00:34:08,010
We'd better get moving.
719
00:34:08,053 --> 00:34:09,664
Radar, tell 'em.
No ox, no ox.
720
00:34:09,707 --> 00:34:12,188
Right. No ox! No ox!
721
00:34:12,231 --> 00:34:13,929
Look, you stay here.
722
00:34:13,972 --> 00:34:16,758
-[speaking Korean]
-What? What?
723
00:34:16,801 --> 00:34:18,324
He says there's a hospital
up the road.
724
00:34:18,368 --> 00:34:19,543
Okay, okay, okay.
Stay, stay, stay.
725
00:34:19,587 --> 00:34:20,849
Yeah, [speaking Korean].
726
00:34:20,892 --> 00:34:22,241
[speaking Korean]
All right, hang on.
727
00:34:22,285 --> 00:34:23,547
[chatter]
728
00:34:23,591 --> 00:34:25,549
You've got a lot
of nerve, fella!
729
00:34:25,593 --> 00:34:28,160
That was very brave, Radar.
730
00:34:28,204 --> 00:34:29,161
What?
731
00:34:30,946 --> 00:34:32,861
HAWKEYE:
Running into a mine field.
732
00:34:32,904 --> 00:34:34,906
RADAR: Did I run
into a mine field?
733
00:34:36,212 --> 00:34:37,996
Boy, that was brave.
734
00:34:39,998 --> 00:34:41,522
FRANK: There's a new
officer coming in,
735
00:34:41,565 --> 00:34:43,436
and I want this place
spotless, Corporal.
736
00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:46,091
First impressions are
lasting impressions.
737
00:34:46,135 --> 00:34:48,006
Cleanliness is
next to godliness.
738
00:34:48,050 --> 00:34:50,182
-My mother says that.
-Why bring her into it?
739
00:34:50,226 --> 00:34:51,880
I never even
met your mother.
740
00:34:51,923 --> 00:34:54,012
And what are those earrings
doing in your ears?
741
00:34:54,056 --> 00:34:55,492
Just hanging there, sir.
742
00:34:55,536 --> 00:34:57,886
-Well, take 'em off!
-Yes, sir.
743
00:34:57,929 --> 00:35:01,498
You, uh, got
anything crazy on
under your clothes?
744
00:35:01,542 --> 00:35:05,023
Nothing crazier than you
got under yours, sir.
745
00:35:05,067 --> 00:35:07,722
Get rid of these filthy
nudist magazines.
746
00:35:09,071 --> 00:35:10,420
[whistles]
747
00:35:10,463 --> 00:35:12,944
Hey, I thought they were
strictly volleyball.
748
00:35:12,988 --> 00:35:14,337
They play croquet
and everything.
749
00:35:14,380 --> 00:35:15,599
Look at these socks.
750
00:35:15,643 --> 00:35:18,428
Boots covered with blood.
Animals.
751
00:35:18,471 --> 00:35:20,343
Here's some people
clipping hedges.
752
00:35:20,386 --> 00:35:21,910
That could be dangerous.
753
00:35:21,953 --> 00:35:25,261
Get on with it.
Throw those away.
754
00:35:25,304 --> 00:35:27,089
"Girl phoning."
755
00:35:27,132 --> 00:35:29,874
Wonder what a naked girl
sounds like on the phone.
756
00:35:29,918 --> 00:35:31,267
-Klinger!
-Yes, sir!
757
00:35:38,579 --> 00:35:40,624
FRANK: Beats me how some
people treat this war
758
00:35:40,668 --> 00:35:42,365
like it was
some kind of picnic,
759
00:35:42,408 --> 00:35:44,149
when it's really
a privilege to be asked
760
00:35:44,193 --> 00:35:45,586
to serve in the army.
761
00:35:45,629 --> 00:35:47,500
Of course, it's not
just our army.
762
00:35:47,544 --> 00:35:48,980
We're here with the U.N.,
763
00:35:49,024 --> 00:35:51,504
which I personally
have nothing against
764
00:35:51,548 --> 00:35:53,419
except that it's
full of foreigners,
765
00:35:53,463 --> 00:35:55,596
which, of course, is what
did in your League of Nations.
766
00:35:55,639 --> 00:35:56,684
You know?
767
00:35:58,033 --> 00:35:59,817
Are all the local
hospitals that awful,
768
00:35:59,861 --> 00:36:01,602
that primitive?
769
00:36:01,645 --> 00:36:03,691
They're about 100 years
ahead at being behind.
770
00:36:03,734 --> 00:36:05,431
Boy, the smell.
771
00:36:05,475 --> 00:36:08,043
Radar, watch the road.
I'll do the smelling.
772
00:36:08,086 --> 00:36:09,610
-[loud bang]
-Whoa!
773
00:36:10,915 --> 00:36:12,177
-[engine sputtering]
-Oh, boy.
774
00:36:13,831 --> 00:36:15,616
Oh, gee!
775
00:36:15,659 --> 00:36:17,966
I've never changed
a tire in my life!
776
00:36:18,009 --> 00:36:19,620
I'll get it.
777
00:36:19,663 --> 00:36:22,057
Give me a lug wrench.
I'll take off the spare.
778
00:36:22,100 --> 00:36:24,059
I thought you used
your mother's car.
779
00:36:24,102 --> 00:36:26,627
I did, but she always
changed the tires.
780
00:36:26,670 --> 00:36:28,846
Oh, hey, wait a minute.
You're a surgeon.
781
00:36:28,890 --> 00:36:30,108
You'll wreck
your hands.
782
00:36:30,152 --> 00:36:31,893
So I'll become a bugler.
783
00:36:31,936 --> 00:36:34,025
I come from three
generations of doctors.
784
00:36:34,069 --> 00:36:35,548
I swear to you,
I have never seen
785
00:36:35,592 --> 00:36:36,898
hospital conditions
like that.
786
00:36:38,290 --> 00:36:39,901
Well, what they
lack in sanitation
787
00:36:39,944 --> 00:36:41,337
they make up
for in poverty.
788
00:36:42,947 --> 00:36:44,688
RADAR:
Here come some locals.
789
00:36:44,732 --> 00:36:46,342
HAWKEYE: Well, it's
a semi-free country.
790
00:36:46,385 --> 00:36:48,649
-Oh, gee!
-What?
791
00:36:48,692 --> 00:36:51,129
Oh, I left my bubble gum
in the other jeep.
792
00:36:53,392 --> 00:36:55,177
Whose picture
was on the card?
793
00:36:55,220 --> 00:36:56,526
Rosalind Russell.
794
00:36:56,569 --> 00:36:58,180
Well, we just
won't tell her.
795
00:36:58,223 --> 00:37:00,182
Oh, boy!
796
00:37:00,225 --> 00:37:02,314
That general sure
has tight lugs.
797
00:37:02,358 --> 00:37:04,665
[grunting] We're gonna
get him in for surgery
798
00:37:04,708 --> 00:37:05,666
one of these days.
799
00:37:14,370 --> 00:37:16,067
Hi. What do you say?
800
00:37:16,111 --> 00:37:18,243
Just taking
our afternoon flat.
801
00:37:24,554 --> 00:37:26,469
Nice to see you.
I just got in.
802
00:37:27,905 --> 00:37:29,602
Hey, the wheel's coming
off the ground.
803
00:37:29,646 --> 00:37:31,735
-Good job, Radar.
-Thank you, sir.
804
00:37:35,521 --> 00:37:36,653
Uh-oh, Andy.
805
00:37:47,359 --> 00:37:49,231
Holy smoke.
806
00:37:49,274 --> 00:37:51,407
What is it?
807
00:37:51,450 --> 00:37:53,191
The Koreans all
went into the woods.
808
00:37:53,235 --> 00:37:55,454
They may be
guerrillas, maybe.
809
00:37:55,498 --> 00:37:57,239
Either that or they're
having a gang toidy.
810
00:37:58,588 --> 00:38:00,590
We'd better get outta here.
811
00:38:00,633 --> 00:38:03,854
Let's be calm, guys...
with undertones of frantic.
812
00:38:03,898 --> 00:38:05,334
Bring the spare, B.J.
813
00:38:07,249 --> 00:38:09,207
Out of the way, Radar. Move.
814
00:38:09,251 --> 00:38:10,556
They shoot
at doctors?
815
00:38:10,600 --> 00:38:12,428
Doctors, lawyers,
Indian chiefs, anybody.
816
00:38:12,471 --> 00:38:13,559
Any movement.
817
00:38:13,603 --> 00:38:14,778
-[gunshot firing]
-Whoa!
818
00:38:14,822 --> 00:38:15,997
And I'm about to have one.
819
00:38:16,040 --> 00:38:17,346
[gunshot firing]
820
00:38:17,389 --> 00:38:19,087
I think I hate this.
821
00:38:19,130 --> 00:38:20,915
You sure we need
all four tires?
822
00:38:20,958 --> 00:38:23,134
Get this--
Here, get the thing--
823
00:38:23,178 --> 00:38:24,570
Get the thing to
take the car down.
824
00:38:24,614 --> 00:38:25,920
Jack it down.
825
00:38:25,963 --> 00:38:27,704
[gunshots continue]
826
00:38:27,748 --> 00:38:30,359
Ah! Radar, stop that.
I-I'm tryin' to put on--
827
00:38:30,402 --> 00:38:31,664
Get away from me, will ya?
828
00:38:31,708 --> 00:38:33,797
Is it down? You got it?
All right.
829
00:38:33,841 --> 00:38:35,146
Now just get these.
Okay, let's get outta here.
830
00:38:35,190 --> 00:38:36,365
Come on. Come on.
831
00:38:36,408 --> 00:38:38,280
Wait just a minute,
will you?
832
00:38:38,323 --> 00:38:39,411
-Wait.
-Go first.
833
00:38:39,455 --> 00:38:41,196
[gunfire]
834
00:38:41,239 --> 00:38:43,241
-Wait a minute.
-Radar!
835
00:38:44,329 --> 00:38:45,722
This is a general's jack!
836
00:38:45,766 --> 00:38:47,028
Salute it
and get in!
837
00:38:47,071 --> 00:38:48,725
[gunfire continues]
838
00:38:54,905 --> 00:38:56,777
HAWKEYE:
Down! Keep down!
839
00:39:06,874 --> 00:39:09,398
-Everybody all right?
-I've been better.
840
00:39:09,441 --> 00:39:10,965
My legs are shaking.
841
00:39:11,008 --> 00:39:13,402
-Do what you always do.
-Oh, yeah.
842
00:39:15,404 --> 00:39:17,710
-Sedative?
-Chiclet.
843
00:39:19,451 --> 00:39:20,626
You okay, B.J.?
844
00:39:20,670 --> 00:39:22,411
Scared is closer.
845
00:39:22,454 --> 00:39:24,152
There's a bullet hole in
the seat right next to me.
846
00:39:24,195 --> 00:39:25,936
Boy, that general
is gonna have a fit.
847
00:39:25,980 --> 00:39:27,372
Why should he?
848
00:39:27,416 --> 00:39:28,896
We fixed his flat,
didn't we?
849
00:39:54,747 --> 00:39:56,793
[vehicle approaching]
850
00:40:08,283 --> 00:40:09,893
HAWKEYE:
Anybody here from Maine?
851
00:40:09,937 --> 00:40:11,112
SOLDIER:
I'm from Vermont.
852
00:40:11,155 --> 00:40:12,548
Close, but no cigar.
853
00:40:12,591 --> 00:40:14,376
-B.J.: How about California?
-Watts.
854
00:40:14,419 --> 00:40:16,334
-RADAR: How 'bout Iowa?
-Yo!
855
00:40:16,378 --> 00:40:17,814
Ottumwa, Iowa?
856
00:40:17,858 --> 00:40:19,424
HAWKEYE: Ottumwa
did its bit, Radar.
857
00:40:19,468 --> 00:40:21,557
-They sent you.
-Take cover! Hit the deck!
858
00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:23,298
[all shouting]
859
00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:26,344
[mortars whistling]
860
00:40:30,827 --> 00:40:32,916
-Now what?
-Mortars.
861
00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:34,396
They can make you a tenor
in the boys' choir
862
00:40:34,439 --> 00:40:36,702
in two seconds.
863
00:40:36,746 --> 00:40:38,095
SOLDIER: Where's
that stuff comin' from?
864
00:40:38,139 --> 00:40:39,270
Anyone see it?
865
00:40:40,445 --> 00:40:42,186
Gimme that radio.
866
00:40:42,230 --> 00:40:44,101
Able Six,
this is Two Six.
867
00:40:44,145 --> 00:40:47,235
Able Six, this is
Two Six. Over.
868
00:40:47,278 --> 00:40:48,366
RADIO DISPATCHER:
Two-Six, this is Six.
869
00:40:48,410 --> 00:40:50,412
He's 12 years old.
870
00:40:50,455 --> 00:40:51,761
[indistinct dispatch chatter]
871
00:40:51,804 --> 00:40:54,155
He'll never make 13.
872
00:40:54,198 --> 00:40:56,940
-SOLDIER: Medic.
-Come on.
873
00:40:56,984 --> 00:40:58,724
Roger, I see
what you've got.
874
00:40:58,768 --> 00:41:00,857
Hold tight,
I'm workin' on a mission now.
875
00:41:00,901 --> 00:41:03,251
Medic! Medic!
876
00:41:03,294 --> 00:41:05,514
-SOLDIER: Over.
-[indistinct dispatch chatter]
877
00:41:05,557 --> 00:41:06,950
-We're doctors. Let me
have your medical bag.
-Yes, sir.
878
00:41:06,994 --> 00:41:09,300
Open that up
for me, will ya?
879
00:41:09,344 --> 00:41:10,562
Radar!
880
00:41:10,606 --> 00:41:12,173
Am I gonna die?
881
00:41:13,261 --> 00:41:14,915
-Aah!
-Hell, no.
882
00:41:14,958 --> 00:41:15,959
You're staying here
with the rest of us.
883
00:41:16,003 --> 00:41:17,961
Chiclets.
884
00:41:18,005 --> 00:41:19,920
-Yes, sir.
-Bite on that.
885
00:41:19,963 --> 00:41:21,834
We're not allowed
to carry bullets.
886
00:41:21,878 --> 00:41:23,619
A little sulfa here.
887
00:41:27,710 --> 00:41:29,146
-Radar?
-Yeah?
888
00:41:29,190 --> 00:41:30,974
Have somebody call in
our, uh, choppers.
889
00:41:31,018 --> 00:41:32,715
Uh, the
8-0-double-nickel's closer.
890
00:41:32,758 --> 00:41:34,282
-All right, do that then.
-Right.
891
00:41:34,325 --> 00:41:36,110
You're gonna
pull through, Slippery.
892
00:41:37,894 --> 00:41:39,026
Captain Hunnicutt!
893
00:41:39,069 --> 00:41:40,505
[groaning]
894
00:41:40,549 --> 00:41:41,942
The guy over
by the jeep!
895
00:41:41,985 --> 00:41:43,291
-SOLDIER: Stay spread out.
-Right.
896
00:41:43,334 --> 00:41:45,380
Stay down.
Watch the flank over there!
897
00:41:45,423 --> 00:41:46,990
Watch the left!
898
00:41:47,034 --> 00:41:48,949
It's okay, pal,
I'm a doctor.
899
00:41:48,992 --> 00:41:50,559
It's my leg, doc.
900
00:41:50,602 --> 00:41:52,169
[mortars whistling]
901
00:41:57,044 --> 00:41:58,959
Is everything else down there?
902
00:41:59,002 --> 00:42:02,571
Yeah. Just mortar fragments.
903
00:42:02,614 --> 00:42:05,617
I don't feel anything, Doc.
I just feel numb.
904
00:42:05,661 --> 00:42:08,011
We'll have you to MASH
in a few minutes.
905
00:42:08,055 --> 00:42:09,578
Nurses and everything?
906
00:42:09,621 --> 00:42:12,973
Don't know.
I'm new in town.
907
00:42:14,104 --> 00:42:16,367
[dispatch chatter]
908
00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:25,028
[coughing]
909
00:42:30,381 --> 00:42:32,601
I think the
shelling's stopped.
910
00:42:32,644 --> 00:42:34,211
[coughing]
911
00:42:34,255 --> 00:42:35,952
Probably just
a temper tantrum.
912
00:42:37,736 --> 00:42:39,042
B.J.?
913
00:42:40,652 --> 00:42:42,176
Rest easy, pal.
914
00:42:46,354 --> 00:42:47,964
HAWKEYE:
Good shot.
915
00:42:50,010 --> 00:42:51,750
Let me have
that bag.
916
00:42:55,798 --> 00:42:57,452
He's had it.
917
00:42:57,495 --> 00:42:59,541
Well, let's try!
918
00:42:59,584 --> 00:43:01,151
[coughing]
919
00:43:01,195 --> 00:43:02,805
Oh, gee.
920
00:43:14,034 --> 00:43:15,948
[gagging]
921
00:43:18,255 --> 00:43:19,691
-Radar--
-[coughing]
922
00:43:19,735 --> 00:43:21,215
...tie this tightly
around his head.
923
00:43:21,258 --> 00:43:22,868
Right. [coughing]
924
00:43:24,522 --> 00:43:27,003
[groaning]
925
00:43:34,489 --> 00:43:37,535
Sir, our lieutenant took
one right in the wallet.
926
00:43:48,720 --> 00:43:51,071
Don't forget, this is
your first day at school.
927
00:43:51,114 --> 00:43:53,464
The worst part is you'll
get used to all of this.
928
00:43:53,508 --> 00:43:55,771
All right,
saddle up, you people.
929
00:43:55,814 --> 00:43:57,816
Let's go. On your feet.
On your feet.
930
00:43:57,860 --> 00:43:59,949
HAWKEYE:
Radar, we need the bag!
931
00:43:59,992 --> 00:44:01,603
Okay, you're gonna
be okay.
932
00:44:01,646 --> 00:44:03,518
-[explosions in distance]
-[helicopter approaching]
933
00:44:05,476 --> 00:44:08,000
Move it. Move out.
Move it out.
934
00:44:08,044 --> 00:44:10,002
Let's go, let's go.
935
00:44:12,527 --> 00:44:14,442
Very well, Sergeant.
936
00:44:14,485 --> 00:44:17,358
O'Reilly met Hunnicutt
at Kimpo. He picked him up.
937
00:44:17,401 --> 00:44:20,187
You can just bet Pierce
had something to do with this.
938
00:44:20,230 --> 00:44:23,886
Well, nobody's seen him for
six hours, that big snot.
939
00:44:23,929 --> 00:44:26,410
Margaret, I'm gonna train
Hunnicutt in my image--
940
00:44:26,454 --> 00:44:28,412
soldierly, efficient.
941
00:44:28,456 --> 00:44:30,936
Yes. Give me a man
when he's 28,
942
00:44:30,980 --> 00:44:32,764
and he's mine for life.
943
00:44:32,808 --> 00:44:34,375
-[chuckle] Frank.
-Yes, dear?
944
00:44:34,418 --> 00:44:37,073
For a moment there,
you looked like
you had a chin.
945
00:44:40,772 --> 00:44:42,383
[horn honking]
946
00:44:51,043 --> 00:44:52,567
Are we there?
947
00:44:52,610 --> 00:44:53,698
Camp's just
across the road.
948
00:44:53,742 --> 00:44:55,178
This is a rest stop.
949
00:44:55,222 --> 00:44:57,137
You look like
you could use a belt.
950
00:44:57,180 --> 00:44:59,574
Sir, we really should
deliver the captain.
951
00:44:59,617 --> 00:45:01,967
We gotta get him started
on his ulcer first.
952
00:45:02,011 --> 00:45:03,665
Forward, drink!
953
00:45:09,845 --> 00:45:12,456
-Hello, Kim.
-Hi, Hawkeye. Radar.
954
00:45:12,500 --> 00:45:13,936
-Hello.
-Hello.
955
00:45:15,329 --> 00:45:17,548
-Sake with beer?
-Make it two.
956
00:45:17,592 --> 00:45:19,202
Uh, Nehi Grape.
957
00:45:20,551 --> 00:45:22,640
Kinda quaint.
958
00:45:22,684 --> 00:45:24,903
-A toilet.
-Didn't wanna say that.
959
00:45:24,947 --> 00:45:27,471
In two months, this'll look
like the Top of the Mark.
960
00:45:27,515 --> 00:45:30,170
MAN: Don't give me none
of your lip, ya big--
961
00:45:30,213 --> 00:45:31,475
HAWKEYE:
Any diversion is welcome,
962
00:45:31,519 --> 00:45:32,824
except the diversions
become routine.
963
00:45:32,868 --> 00:45:34,826
Crazy thing is,
hell though it is,
964
00:45:34,870 --> 00:45:37,089
I think I feel closer to
the people in this hospital
965
00:45:37,133 --> 00:45:39,309
than I've ever been to
anybody else in my life
966
00:45:39,353 --> 00:45:41,006
or ever expect to.
967
00:45:44,271 --> 00:45:45,272
Keep 'em comin', Kim.
968
00:45:45,315 --> 00:45:46,969
Oh, on Hawkeye's tab?
969
00:45:47,012 --> 00:45:48,927
Right.
I'm entertaining a client.
970
00:45:48,971 --> 00:45:50,755
My teeth will turn purple.
971
00:45:50,799 --> 00:45:53,236
Women love that.
972
00:45:53,280 --> 00:45:55,412
You know, I really can't
wait to see the place.
973
00:45:55,456 --> 00:45:58,285
-You can wait.
-[fighting continues]
974
00:45:58,328 --> 00:46:01,766
You've heard of a military
post? This is a compost.
975
00:46:01,810 --> 00:46:05,030
Everything
we've got is surplus.
The lice are surplus.
976
00:46:05,074 --> 00:46:07,642
Only the wounded are new.
Supplies are a joke.
977
00:46:07,685 --> 00:46:10,166
The tedium is relieved
only by the boredom.
978
00:46:10,210 --> 00:46:12,255
I can't think of a single
reason why we're here
979
00:46:12,299 --> 00:46:13,343
except we're needed.
980
00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:20,176
So, pitch in,
muddle through,
981
00:46:20,220 --> 00:46:21,960
pip-pip,
and the whole schmear.
982
00:46:22,004 --> 00:46:26,182
Ours is not to reason why,
ours is not to let 'em die.
983
00:46:29,141 --> 00:46:30,708
Drink up. You're behind.
984
00:46:37,672 --> 00:46:41,110
In other words, do your job
as best you can, and shove--
985
00:46:41,153 --> 00:46:42,067
You got it.
986
00:46:45,114 --> 00:46:47,421
Please,
I'm with friends.
987
00:46:47,464 --> 00:46:49,684
They're all out
of maraschino cherries.
988
00:46:49,727 --> 00:46:51,947
Kim, some more sake.
989
00:46:51,990 --> 00:46:53,862
[Hawkeye, B.J. laughing]
990
00:47:05,569 --> 00:47:07,919
Sir, sir, I'll drive.
I'll drive, sir.
991
00:47:07,963 --> 00:47:10,095
-I'm driving. I'm driving.
-Uh, sir, you can't.
992
00:47:10,139 --> 00:47:12,794
-You can't.
-Why not? Says who?
993
00:47:12,837 --> 00:47:14,186
You're not sober, sir.
994
00:47:14,230 --> 00:47:15,927
Oh, boy, I would
really resent that
995
00:47:15,971 --> 00:47:17,233
if I wasn't drunk.
996
00:47:17,277 --> 00:47:18,278
[laughing]
997
00:47:22,760 --> 00:47:24,545
You sure you don't
want me to drive?
998
00:47:24,588 --> 00:47:26,024
-[honk]
-Whoo!
999
00:47:26,068 --> 00:47:27,765
[laughing]
1000
00:47:31,465 --> 00:47:32,466
[honk]
1001
00:47:34,119 --> 00:47:36,861
[honking]
1002
00:47:38,472 --> 00:47:40,561
[laughing]
1003
00:47:45,392 --> 00:47:47,829
[honking]
1004
00:47:49,047 --> 00:47:50,614
He's here!
1005
00:47:54,923 --> 00:47:57,665
[laughter]
1006
00:48:03,497 --> 00:48:06,587
Major Burns,
Major Houlihan,
1007
00:48:06,630 --> 00:48:09,546
may I present
Captain B.J. Hunnicutt.
1008
00:48:12,897 --> 00:48:14,334
[laughing]
1009
00:48:14,377 --> 00:48:16,292
What say you,
ferret face?
1010
00:48:16,336 --> 00:48:17,467
Oh!
1011
00:48:28,696 --> 00:48:30,306
[vehicle approaching]
1012
00:48:34,310 --> 00:48:36,356
[brakes squealing]
1013
00:48:36,399 --> 00:48:37,879
This is it.
1014
00:48:37,922 --> 00:48:39,359
Hey, what's going on?
1015
00:48:39,402 --> 00:48:41,186
I'm in charge here.
Major Burns.
1016
00:48:41,230 --> 00:48:43,014
Sir, this jeep
is the property
1017
00:48:43,058 --> 00:48:45,539
of Major General
Cornell Dickering.
1018
00:48:45,582 --> 00:48:47,410
I don't know what
you're talking about.
1019
00:48:47,454 --> 00:48:48,759
You'll have to come
with me, sir.
1020
00:48:48,803 --> 00:48:50,761
What?
1021
00:48:50,805 --> 00:48:52,502
I'd vouch for this man's
character, Lieutenant,
1022
00:48:52,546 --> 00:48:53,982
but he doesn't have any.
1023
00:48:54,025 --> 00:48:56,245
Snot! Snot! Snot!
1024
00:48:58,160 --> 00:48:59,466
Have I ever lied to you?
1025
00:49:13,784 --> 00:49:15,395
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention.
1026
00:49:15,438 --> 00:49:17,179
Attention, please.
1027
00:49:17,222 --> 00:49:19,486
The following personnel
are permanently assigned
1028
00:49:19,529 --> 00:49:21,618
to the MASH 4077.
1029
00:49:23,707 --> 00:49:25,709
Alan Alda as Hawkeye.
1030
00:49:28,495 --> 00:49:31,367
Mike Farrell
as B.J. Hunnicutt.
1031
00:49:33,282 --> 00:49:35,850
Loretta Swit
as "Hot Lips" Houlihan.
1032
00:49:37,982 --> 00:49:40,376
Larry Linville
as Frank Burns.
1033
00:49:42,596 --> 00:49:45,337
Gary Burghoff
as "Radar" O'Reilly.
1034
00:49:47,427 --> 00:49:50,255
William Christopher
as Father Mulcahy.
1035
00:49:52,127 --> 00:49:54,434
Jamie Farr
as Corporal Klinger.
1036
00:49:57,001 --> 00:50:00,135
And reporting for duty
as new commanding officer
1037
00:50:00,178 --> 00:50:05,227
at 1600 hours,
19 September, 1952,
1038
00:50:05,270 --> 00:50:08,273
Harry Morgan
as Colonel Sherman Potter,
1039
00:50:08,317 --> 00:50:10,275
regular Army.
1040
00:50:10,319 --> 00:50:11,538
God help us all.
1041
00:50:14,541 --> 00:50:16,673
[honk]
1042
00:50:19,546 --> 00:50:21,025
[honk]
1043
00:50:21,069 --> 00:50:23,419
Stick that horn in your ear.
1044
00:50:25,813 --> 00:50:28,511
On your feet, soldier.
I'm Colonel Potter.
1045
00:50:28,555 --> 00:50:30,600
Oh, boy.
1046
00:50:35,997 --> 00:50:38,173
♪♪ [theme]
73372
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