All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S03E22 - Payday (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

Attention, all personnel.
Attention.

The eagle screams today.
It's payday.

All personnel will kindly
form an orderly stampede.

Don't push. Come on.

[chatter]

Hey, come on.

ALL: [shouting]

All right,
can we have, uh--

can we have a little quiet
out there, please?

[shouting continues]

All right, everybody, hold it
down a little, will you?

Silence these rowdies,
will you, Radar?

Quiet!

[shouting subsides]

Radar, you've got
class coming out

-of each belly button.
-Yes, sir.

-Now, let's get on
with it, shall we?
-Uh, yes, sir.

You are aware that you're
pay officer of today.

Uh, yes, Radar, I know that.

I'm not some movie I just
walked in in the middle of.

Oh, yeah, well, I just
wanted to make sure

you were aware of
the, uh, regulations.

Um, "Each payment
in military script,"

uh, "is to be made
in accordance

"with Regulation 797-94J,

"ascertaining that each
signature opposite each name

"corresponds
with each said pay,

"and in the event that
there is a discrepancy

"in the aforementioned,

"in either an overage
or an underage of funds,

you are wholly
and only responsible."

Thanks.

Are you sure
you got that, sir?

Sure as you're
one foot high, Radar.

Cut that out.

Glad you could
all make it today.

I'm your genial host
Hawkeye Pierce,

star of stage, screen,
and radioactivity.

Well, I guess I'll go
pay the officers.

Why don't you go
pay the officers now?

Isn't he wonderful?
He'll be back.

May we have the first
contestant, please.

Private Frank Daily, sir.

5-6-7-0-9-5-4-6.

Daily, Daily...

Right, okay.

Seventy-five dollars

and thirty-one,
two, three cents.

Just sign on the dotted.

Hope I got this right.

I'm just an ordinary
chest-cutter.

I can't make change

for anything over two nurses.

Next.

-Klinger!
-Yes, sir.

Just where do you
get the gall

to show up for payday

dressed like a $2.00
streetwalker?

[chuckle] Sorry, Father.

I was worried about these
earrings with tweed.

Not only as masquerading
as a starlet

not going to get you
out of the army,

military regulations
specifically state

that no soldier
may receive his pay

unless in uniform.
In uniform.

Do you read me,
Corporal Crazy?

Oh, give me a break, sir.

I got to get my money.
It's important.

And next time, stand
a little closer to the razor

when you shave.

My knees get in the way.

Dismissed! March!

Hup, 2, 3, 4!
Hup, 2, 3, 4!

Sir, you busy?

No, Radar. Just looking
for my wallet. Clamp.

It's payday. Your money.

Uh, retract the bowel,
nurse.

Just file it
in the office, Radar,

under "Broke."

Uh, yes, sir.

There we go.

I don't look old enough
to be his father, do I?

No, sir.

I've never been sure,
you know.

I spent a week
in his home town once.

Suction here.

Okay.
Now, no-limit game?

Check and raise?
Okay?

Usual rules. You got
the pink slip on it,

you can bet it.

Oh, we gonna play or talk?

Here's your pay, ma'am.

Thanks, Pee-wee.

Sir.

Thanks, Radar.

Been in the family for years.

Found him on my doorstep.

Never regretted taking him
out of the milk bottle.

Open for 5.

Your 5 and 5 more.

Oh, Captain Kamikaze's
in town, huh?

Next!

Corporal Klinger. 36-24-36.

This man
is not to be paid.

What are you talking about?

I said he wasn't to be paid

unless he got into uniform.

What's this,
chopped liver?

Here you go, Klinger.

Just sign your Jane Hancock.

You're a prince, sir.

You may kiss my ring later.

Are you just going to sit there
and go over my head?

Frank, if I could yawn
with my mouth closed,

you'd have no idea how
boring you really are.

Oh, phooey to youey!

Next.

Here's your pay, Father.

Thank you, Radar.

You collected anything for
Sister Theresa's orphanage?

Oh, four I.O.U.s

and an offer to give
the bishop a nose job.

Oh, well,
don't worry about it.

It'll get better.

Why, thank you, Radar.

Casting bread upon
the waters, my son?

Oh, no, Father.
I'd never do that.

Food is sacred.

All officers paid
and accounted for, Hawk.

Good man.
You got a big day planned?

Oh, I just figured
I'd goof off
and take a shower.

Oh, decided not to wait
till the end of the war, huh?

I, myself, personally, am off

to the Officers'
Tonsil Wash Emporium
and Whoopee Parlor

to meet a nurse of
the totally opposite sex.

And there isn't a thing
she can do I don't deserve.

Where did this come from?

It was left over.
It's yours.

A tip from Uncle Sam.

[clinking]

Ten bucks?
Hey, I can't keep this.

Well, then, share it
with ten corporals.

-I can't.
-Or 20 privates
at 50 cents each.

Go buy some popcorn.
See the new hygiene film.

No, you don't
understand.

When you-- When you
got funds left over,

you have to fill out this
special refund fund form.

No, you fill it out.

I'm gonna tie a giant
olive around my neck

and sink to the
bottom of a martini.

I'm gonna need
some help with this.

Radar, tell
the United States Army,

which I so proudly hail,

that not only do I send
back their ten dollars,

I would also dearly
love some compensation

for dragging me out
of my warm bed in Maine

and giving me this
ringside seat at the war

which has already
caused me to lose

almost $3,000
of my civilian practice

by not being there
to say to various people

"Please lower your trousers
and say 'Ah'."

Uh, yeah, I just got
one question.

What?

Um, what is
your maiden name?

[knocking on door]

Come!

Kim Chun Quoc at
your service, Major, sir.

Yes, yes, I know.

Tiffany on wheels.

Like a P.X. Better, even.

Uh, happi coat.
Just your size, Major.

Drives the honeys nuts.

You see this?
You know what this is?

14-karat cheap.

I'm a happily
married man, Mister.

Honeys aren't any
of my business.

Ah! The wife.

I got some pearls here.

The oysters cried
when they gave them up.

[whistling]
Those are real beauts.

The major knows the best.

Of course I know the best.
I'm an American, after all.

Fifteen hundred bucks.
And I don't haggle.

Too rich for my blood.

Uh, yeah, 800.
But we didn't haggle.

-Not a penny more than five.
-You got 'em.

And I'll throw in an
imitation set for 50 bucks,

no extra charge.

What would I do with
an imitation set?

Well, the major's
happily married.

Uh, he must have
something on the side,

or he wouldn't be
so happy.

I owe the pot 50 bucks.

You want me to lend
you a hundred?

Give it to me free,
and I'll marry you.

Not if either one of us
was the last man on Earth.

You're down 500, Doc.

Who asked you?

There's a bonus
for re-enlisting.

You got terminal mouth,
Sergeant. Deal.

Excuse me.

Any room for
a poor pulpit-pounder?

Fall right in, Father.

Oh, you're very kind.

You see, I'm hoping
to raise some funds.

I gave at the office.

No extra help, Father.

Oh, no, no.

Don't you have
something really pretty?

Life here is so colorless,

so... blah.

Oh...

Now that's class.

Oh. Oh.

How much?

1,500.

Oh.

Uh, 500?

An oyster irritated
for over a year

to form these
spherical delights.

250?

Too much.

Look, I can get you
a strand for 35 bucks.

No irritation,
no sweat, no nothing.

The oysters were glad
to get rid of them.

Well, uh,
could I have a look?

I sold the last set to a major
a couple of tents down.

I can get you
the same in an hour.

A major? Major Burns?

I don't know his name.

Uh, he had what
we call in Korea

a real fertilizer face.

He bought cheap
pearls, this major?

Also the $500 job
for his wife.

He's a happy married man.

I could tell by
the way the ring

was cuttin' into his finger.

Attention, all personnel.

Due to the incredible
mediocrity

of last night's movie,

it will be shown again
tonight at 2100 hours.

Captain Pierce,
you dance divinely.

My parents made me
take divine lessons.

Smart parents.

It broke my heart to leave
them back there on Krypton.

You couldn't get any
closer, could you?

Not unless I got
behind you.

Psst, psst.

What's that?

Either the camp
has a flat,

or Radar has developed
a slow leak.

Uh, I've got to
talk to you, sir.

Not now, Radar.

Oh, I think you'll find
this very interesting, sir.

It better be. I was
about to give this girl

the dip of a lifetime.

State your business
in one word or less.

Uh, well, you remember
when you were spreading

your onions
on your hot dog?

I beg your pardon?

And I took down
everything you said

about how much
compensation you wanted.

Mr. Kwang, can I have
a martini, please?

And a Shirley Temple,
extra dry.

What's this?

The $3,000 you asked for.

I think I love you.

You are to send this back
in a plain brown jeep.

It doesn't make any sense.

Well, none of it
makes any sense.

You just send in
the right number of forms.

I can't keep money
that doesn't belong to me.

Listen, I got a friend down
at the 43rd made a mistake

and ended up with
5,000 specimen cups.

He's going into
the ices business.

$3,000?

Uh, plus 10.

$3,010.

Mr. Kwang, I'd like to
buy South Korea a drink.

Mmm, 50.

There's one short here.

[humming]

$831.75.

Tidy little bundle
of wampum, eh, Radar?

Oh, yes, sir.

Uh-huh. Taxes, federal.

That's what I help pay to
keep our boys, which I'm one,

to maintain my wife's way
of life that's over there,

which is why
we're over here.

Yes, sir.

Then you got your
unemployment insurance.

That's in case the war
I'm paying for ends
and I lose my job.

Yes, sir.
Will that be all, sir?

That'll be all, Radar.

Which leaves a grand total

of $43 for yours truly
to play poker with.

Uh, Corporal Klinger
to see you, sir.

At this time of night?

Send that dressmaker's
nightmare away.

Sir.

Sit down, Klinger.
What can I do for you?

Colonel, I got
a proposition to make.

Forget it. We'd regret
it the rest of our lives.

Cooler-offer?

$477.

Three months' pay.

I must say,
that's admirable, Klinger.

And there's another 250
in a locker

in Grand Central Station.

That's terrific.

Here's a quarter for the key.

What?

Let me out on a psycho,
and it's all yours.

What is this?

This is a bribe.
Let me go home.

Klinger. You are lower
than a pregnant snail.

I can't stand it anymore.
There's a war out there, sir.

I'm aware of it, Klinger.
Don't you think I'm afraid?

My nerves don't
sit still a minute.

I swear, some archaeologist,
a hundred years from now...

will dig me up slumped
over in the latrine.

Then run away with
me, sir. Together.

'Scuse, please. I got a
date with a royal flush.

But as a favor to you, I'm
not gonna mention the bribe.

Ah, come off of it, Colonel.

Bribery is as American
as toreador pants. Colonel?

MARGARET:
Who is it?

It's your boop-boop
a-dooper.

Come in, Frank.

Margaret, you're
wearing that sweater.

Mm-hmm.

I want to be buried with
that sweater, Margaret.

[chuckling]

I know you think of me as a
clear-eyed, iron-willed major,

toughened by action,
brutalized by others' pain.

But there's
another Frank Burns.

My other alter ego.

Is that the ego she dragged
to the altar, Frank?

I'm talking about
the sweetheart me.

The generous guy
with a heart of gold
and the soft underbelly.

Close your crinkly
little eyes.

What is it, Frank?

Look.

Gorgeous.
Simply gorgeous.

Margaret, I could
rape your nape.

You're sweet.
Where did you get them?

Oh, down in
Seoul last time.

You know that
high-class jeweler's

in the lobby
of the Chosun Hotel?

They must have cost hundreds
and hundreds of dollars.

Now I want one kiss
for each pearl

and something special
for the clasp.

[chuckling]

Oh, look how
perfect they are.

I would have been happy
with an imitation,

and here you've gone
ahead and bought
me the real thing.

Is there any
special way you can
tell the difference?

Oh, certainly. You just rub
them against your teeth,

and if they feel rough,
they're the real thing.

Well, the peddler, that is,
the jeweler warned me

that these come from
your Oriental-type oyster

and are not always rough.

Whereas your common, ordinary,
man-in-the-street oyster--

But if they feel smooth,
it's the old fakeroo.

Ohh.
[chuckling]

I never thought
I'd see the day

when I'd own
a strand like these.

I'm just amazed you were
so extravagant for me.

Oh, well, you know.
[chuckling]

All righty, boys.
Once around the horn.

Oh, I'm afraid
my coffers are empty.

I'd like to help,
Father,

but I lost my diploma
in the last hand.

Yeah. No hard
feelings, Father.

Oh, heavens, no.

I think I'll just go curl
up with the Good Book.

-New deal.
-Greetings, officers, sirs.

What do you got
this month, Kim?

Pipe this rock, Captain.

Whoo-eee!
That's a beauty.

I'll give you
50 smackers for it.

Are you kidding?
The reward's worth
more than that.

♪♪ [ragtime on piano]

So any, uh--

Uh, what's that
you're playing, Father?

Oh, just a little ragtime
I play now and then.

You know, for a priest,
you have no sense of rhythm.

Well, it lightens
the load.

♪♪

I'll make you a deal.

Trade you loads.
I'll unload first.

Good Lord!

3,000 clams, all yours.

You see what a lot
of praying can do?

Here, I almost forgot.
Ten more.

It's an incredibly
generous donation.

I'd agree, if I weren't
incredibly modest.

Take it, Father. Give it
to Sister Theresa's orphanage.

I don't care
what you do with it.

Buy a new gargoyle
for the Vatican.

There may be a sainthood
in this, Hawkeye.

Yes, I can see
myself on dashboards
all over America.

Can you imagine
the children's faces
when they hear the news?

Spare me, Father.
It's makes me go
Spencer Tracy all over.

And now, my dear,
shall we repair to my tent?

-I didn't
even know it was broken.
-Know it was broken, yes.

Good evening, Major.

Well, hello, Frank.
Walk me to the shower?

You're gonna shower
with your pearls on?

Won't they get wet?

It's not terribly dry
inside an oyster, Frank.

Anyway, real pearls
take on a luster

when worn next
to the skin.

And these are
lustering already.

But, Margaret,
they're only on a thread.

Oh, I'll take them off
before I get in the shower.

Sorry, I can't
ask you in.

-Hey, soldier.
-I wasn't!

I'm looking for
your colonel, Major.

I have no idea where
my colonel major is, Captain.

Yes, sir.

Leave your duck
in the shower, Frank?

Oh, scramski!

Pervert!

Fork over 75 bucks,
or I'll tell the A.M.A.

You wouldn't!

You're bluffing.

How could you tell?

-I think I love this.
-Mmm, kissing?

You make a great
lower-lip sandwich.

-You like Chinese food?
-Mm-hmm.

You like walking
in the rain?

Mm-hmm. Mmm!

How about eating
Chinese food in the rain?

Lend me 15, Frank.
That's my final offer.

N-O spells no!

We're not being quiet
too loudly for you, are we?

Hey, give me 50 bucks.

I got an inside straight.
I hit it lucky.

You have all the luck

of the navigator
of the Titanic.

What about all
our knee-scraping,

commode-hugging
good times?

What about the four-leaf
clover that gave you a rash?

What about all
the times in O.R.?

The bowels we resected?

We've been together
through thick and thick.

Trapper, you have
a gift for losing.

You put money
in a parking meter,

it comes up
three lemons.

[Frank burbling]

Frank's mating call.
Gross, but effective.

Tee-hee.

You're right, Hawk.
I'd probably blow the hand.

Think I'll go back and fold.

As I remember, I was
checking you for polyps.

-Sir!
-Oh, listen--

A Captain Sloan
to see you, sir.

I'll see you at 6:00,
after the war.

I'm Captain Sloan,
Supervising Acc-Fin.

Acc-Fin?

Accounting and Finance.

Oh, I'm Hawkeye Pierce,

Aggravated Doc-Surge.

I'd like to stay, but that
would keep me from going.

Hold on.

You're this month's
pay officer?

I also double as rodent
officer, rumor officer,

and termite officer
on Arbor Day.

Well, you're $3,000
deep in trouble, Captain.

Did you really think
you could get away with it?

What are you
talking about?

Where are the funds you
thought you could swindle

the United States
government out of?

As though anyone
might think they could.

How long have you had this
delusion that you're human?

Father Mulcahy's here, sir.

Is someone in need of aid?

Sit down, shorty.

We've got your boss.

Father, this is
the kind gentleman

who gave us the money.

Oh, bless your heart, sir.

I've driven the money
over to Sister Theresa.

The orphans now have
milk in their stomachs

and warm blankets
on the floor.

-Well, I want it back.
-Back?

As in, now.
As in, all of it.

Or you'll be preaching
in the stockade.

Dear me.

Captain Sloan,
you're helping to ruin

one of the worst
days of my life.

Every time I've tried to
register with a certain nurse,

someone's committed
captain interruptus.

And now you accuse me
of stealing.

But you're gonna
really be in trouble

if you harm one hair
on this man's halo.

Did you know that
contributions to the church

can be written off
on your income tax?

You're coming
with me, Pierce.

First, we'll check out
with your C.O.

Checkout time's
not till 11:00.

TRAPPER:
Your 50... and 50 more.

Is that a hundred?

How do I know?

I dropped out of school
to become a doctor.

-Colonel Blake?
-Disappear, Radar.

Come on, will ya?
It's 3:00 in the morning.

Uh, Colonel Blake,
Captain Sloan from H.Q.

Likewise, I'm sure.

Henry, I'm being arrested.

Here's my authorization
to take custody.

We don't take that kind
of card, do we, Henry?

ZALE:
It's up to you, Colonel.

Um, it's too rich for me.

-Henry--
-We'll get it straight
in a minute, Pierce.

What are you gonna do, Henry?

I just folded.

I'll see your fold.

Trapper.

Your captain was
trying to abscond

with $3,000
not rightfully his.

If you'll just sign this,
we'll be on our way.

Four 10s, you lose.
40 miles, four 10s.

Ha-ha! It's mine!
Mine! All mine!

I just love a gracious winner.

Well, you finally won a hand.

I just wish
I'd lived to see it.

And I owe it all to you, pal.
I started with your watch.

A little cunning, a little
cuteness, and now a fortune.

You stole my watch?

You want me to arrest him?

No extra trouble
as long as I'm here.

-We're square.
-Not quite.

What are you doing?

A receipt, please.

And promise me you'll go
out with other captains.

Hey, this is
a once-in-a-lifetime shot.

What are you doing to me?

Look, Ravenal, the only
reason you won that pot

is because you
stole my watch.

If I don't give that
money to chuckles here,

he's gonna give me
the honeymoon suite

at the Stockade Hilton.

You're $8.00 over.

I'll take that,
for rent on the watch.

Four dollars an hour.

I only had it an hour.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll get it fixed.

Who is this guy?

Boy, I wish I knew
what was going on.

Oh, I'll tell
you later, sir.

You always say that,
Radar, but you never do.

Are we here
to play or talk?

Anybody know how
to play go fish?

How about hearts?
Old maid?

I'm gonna prove to you
you can't win at cards,

even for free.

Collecting 7s, huh?

And 10s and jacks
and 9s and 3s.

And liddle lamzy divey.

What, are you rubbing those
pearls on your teeth, Frank?

The pearls are real.
Your teeth are fake.

Why don't you give up?
You can't win.

Ha-ha! Gin!

-You lose. -What?

I had gin
a long time ago.

3s and 9s and 10s
and 7s and 12s and 6s.

You've got
about 85 points.

♪♪ [theme]