All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S03E21 - Big Mac (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme plays]

Well, he's operating
right now, sir.

Yes, sir?

Yes, sir!

Uh, yes, sir,
if you say so, sir.

Yes, sir!

I'll do that right now!

Sir.

[indistinct chatter]

Uh, yeah, clamp.

This guy has
the right idea.

Write a book
on traumatic surgery,

and then when
a war breaks out,

the book gets drafted
and he stays home.

-Sponge.
-Hello, Frank.

How are ya?

Pretty big talk.

-Pierce, using a textbook?
-Mmm-hmm, orthopedic case.

Wow-- Dummkopf!

All right, let's put
him under, shall we?

Watch this.
Need some help, Pierce?

No, thanks,
I'd rather save the patient.

That got him.

Unless they taught you
something special

at Vivisection State
Teachers' College.

-[laughter]
-Which I doubt.

Here we go!

You better quit while
you're behind, Frank.

I've been a practicing
surgeon for 12 years!

When do you think you'll
be ready to operate?

Just an estimate, Frank.

Frank, I begged you
to quit.

Give me a four-by-four.

-And another thing!
-Frank, they'll kill you.

-Colonel?
-Yo.

There's a very important
phone call on the phone

-for you, sir.
-Have the call switched.

I'll take it inside
this gallbladder.

-Metzenbaum scissors.
-Sir?

Sir--
[whispering]

-Radar, you must be kidding!
-Cross my heart.

Uh, moist lap sponges.

Spalding, finish up
for me, please.

-What's up, Henry?
-I'll tell you later.

You were finally
toilet trained, right?

Yes, sir.

Yes, indeed, sir.

-Yes, sir.
-Yes, sir.

What's that, sir?

Uh, the 19th, Colonel?

The 19th.
Uh, well, now, let me see.

The, uh, the 19th
would, uh-- that would be

between the, uh,
18th and the 20th,

if I'm any judge
of 19ths.

Yes, sir.

Uh, yes, sir.
Uh, we'll be ready.

Oh, uh, and, Colonel,
uh, let me just add

that this is an honor
that thrills me

right down to my toenails.

Well, yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.
Yes, sir.

Good day, sir.

He's coming here.

Him, here.

-General Douglas MacArth--
-[gasping]

The head man,
the chief cheese,

is coming here.

Him? Here?

Here, himself.

The big muckety-muck.

The biggest, highest
monkiest of them all.

-Wow!
-They don't come any monkier.

And do you know
why he's coming here?

Because we've got the most
impressive damn record

of any medical unit
in Korea.

That's North, South,
East, or West.

-We're the MASH that
is the best!
-Rah! Rah!

Colonel Whiteman, uh,
his administrative aide?

Well, he'll be here
on Wednesday to brief us.

-Oh, wow!
-Radar,

this is the biggest thing
that's ever happened to me

since I did my first
strangulated hernia.

Yeah.

Radar, the publicity!
The publicity!

I mean, every move
Big Mac makes is news!

When he goes to the latrine,

they flash
an AP/UP bulletin.

Really?

In the "Daily
Bloomington Pantagraph."

Oh, boy,
I can just see it.

"Supreme Commander
Inspects Local Doctor,"

in type about yea big.

You'll be famous, sir.

Yeah, yeah, and let me
tell you something,
little friend.

My price for a tonsillectomy
just went from 50

-to 75 bucks a tons.
-Right!

Yes, sir.

They'll have to pay
if they want the big man.

Colonel Blake's office?

Straight ahead, sir.
Can't miss it.

Thank you, uh, soldier.

Corporal Klinger, sir.

Sentry post number one.

Carry on.

Must be therapy
for the mental cases.

And, uh,
Colonel Whiteman, here,

of General MacArthur's
general staff

has very kindly condescended
to brief us all briefly

on the General's
impinging visit.

[applause]

-Colonel.
-Thank you, Colonel.

I'm sure you must all
be excited at the idea

of meeting our
supreme commander.

I'm thrilled beyond repair.

My bellybutton's
been puckering and
un-puckering all day.

A little charged up.

You know,
heap big chief coming.

All right,
let me clue you in,

uh, schedule
and briefing-wise.

-I'll roger that.
-McIntyre.

Now, the general will arrive
at exactly 1155 hours

and will enter
the camp at this point.

I assume you
will not, repeat,

not have the same man
on sentry duty.

Klinger.

Klinger?
Oh, no, sir.

Uh, make a note--
no Klinger.

He just had
his ears pierced.

The general's cavalcade
will circle the compound,

inspecting troops
and then will stop here

at point "B"
at precisely 1158 hours.

The general will dismount
at 1159 hours

after a one-minute
security inspection

of the area by escort.

From 1200 to 1204 hours,

the general will be welcomed
by commanding officer.

Maybe you can break
the four-minute welcome, Henry.

You'd better
go into training.

1200, 400 hours.

Colonel Whiteman,
I just want to say

that this disrespectful
attitude is in no way

shared by myself or
Major Burns on my right.

On your right what?

Included in the above
said time allotment

for commanding
officer's greeting

is the introduction
of inferior grade officers.

That's gotta be us.

COLONEL WHITEMAN:
Yes?

I think the Colonel
might like to know

that Major Houlihan's father
was under General MacArthur
in the cavalry.

Her father was a horse!
Did you know that?

Our engagement is off.

While the general is here,
do not address him

unless he first
addresses you,

and then always use
his full name and rank

in reply, as, uh,
"Yes, General MacArthur.

"No, General MacArthur.

"Thank you,
General MacArthur."

-God Almighty.
-Close. Very close.

Steady, men.

And now, lunch.

The eating thereof
will be at 1300 hours.

The general eats
the same food

as that served
to men in the field.

Does he like his ice cream
on top of his beef stew
like us?

Mess will terminate
at 1410 hours,

when the, uh,
general's pipe is lit.

Must be a squad that
takes care of that.

We'll have the men
on hand, McIntyre.

-Make a note, Radar.
-Volunteers to light pipe.

Now, then, after lunch--

And the barfing thereof.

To proceed.

The general's visit
is a tribute

to your unit's efficiency.

A demonstration
of your function
would be most apropos.

-We could do an
operation for him.
-Pierce.

-Don't be a simp!
-We operate every day.

Perhaps the general
would like to observe

our surgeons at work.

Yeah, with a stitch-
by-stitch commentary.

And for a big finish,
a post-op infection.

Has possibilities,
Colonel.

Well, that's just
what I was thinking.

I mean, it'd be
a real eye-popper.

-Colonel?
-WHITEMAN: Yes?

Um, as adjutant
and assistant chief surgeon,

I'd like to volunteer
for that operation.

How splendid, Major.

Very good, Frank.

-Lovely.
-Then it's agreed.

We'll do a hysterectomy
on Major Burns.

Because we have
the best record

of any medical unit
in Korea,

we have been bestowed
upon by a great honor--

-MacArthur's coming!
-[cheering]

TOGETHER:
Yay.

All right, quiet.

Quiet down, folks.

[cheers and applause]

Quiet!

[cheering stops]

Does this mean Radar
has to take a bath?

I hope so.

We'll carry him down
to the river and
beat him on a rock.

Now, we've got
very little time

before the bestowment
of this honor,

and this place
is a shambles,

so we've got to as
quickly as possible,

uh, deshamble-ize.

Corporal.

"Duty rosters will be posted
on the bulletin board.

"No changes will be made.

"All leaves are canceled
unless of hardship,

"emergency, or of like
or similar nature.

"A death in the family
is good, as always.

"All future announcements
will be in either

"vocal, oral,
or written-down form,

"and in the case
of the latter,

"accompanied by immediate
superior's signature
and three copies,

"with two in my 'in' basket
and one in my 'out.'"

Company...

Dismissed!

Klinger...

I wanna see you in my office
this afternoon.

Yes, sir.

You can double-park
your horse.

Uh, Colonel,
I was thinking.

I might put together
a little, um,

souvenir memorial album
for the general.

-Frank.
-Hmm?

Caesar is coming to
inspect us, not bury us.

Hey, that's
pretty good, huh?

-Oh, Spalding.
-Colonel?

How 'bout writing one of your
special songs for MacArthur?

Think you can come up
with something nice on
the ol' cucaracha there?

-I've been working on it, sir.
-Oh!

♪ Well, it's not Corregidor

♪ You know, it's only Korea

♪ It's a lousy little war

♪ But we'd still love
to see ya ♪

♪ And I'm sure we can
scrounge up a beach ♪

♪ And you can splash in
and give us a speech ♪

♪ With your corncob pipe

♪ And your five gold stars

Well, it's catchy,
but it's not "prezactly"
what I had in mind.

-You're not in
the least bit clever.
-It's a big club, Frank.

Do it again.

What have we here?
A diminutive Diogenes?

-Looking for two
honest men, Radar?
-Oh, thanks.

Hey, Trap.

-Frank, what are you doing?
-Burning books.

Oh! Any special reason,
Dr. Hitler?

One of the greatest living
Americans is coming,

and I'm not going
to let him see

some of the trash
that's read around here.

"Plato's Republic?"

"The Life of Red Grange?"

Revolutionaries.

-Right!
-"Robinson Crusoe?"

Everybody runs around
half-naked.

-Norman Mailer.
-It's got that word in it.

-[gasps]
-Frank, you burn one more book,

I'm gonna give you
a dancing lesson
in the mine field.

Now, knock it off,
gnat-brain!

General of the Army,

General Douglas MacArthur,
your supreme commander,

is going to inspect you, fella!

Genuflect when
you say that, pal.

And he's gonna find us
just the way we are,

and what we are:
draftee doctors,

a little gamey and dazed
from crawling inside people

trying to keep
them breathing.

Forget Fort Dix, Frank.
This is bedpan alley.

Oh, okey-doke.
You slackers do what you want.

But I'm gonna show
the general we're military!

And I order you to clean up
the unholy mess in there,

and if you don't,
I will!

You touch one dirty sock,

you remove
one layer of crud,

you kill
one cockroach, Frank,

and I will personally
grind you into a fine powder

and sprinkle you
on MacArthur's oatmeal!

What he said!

[whimpering]

[bugle fanfare]

Uh, Klinger,
about that getup.

You don't like it?
Don't be afraid to tell me.
I can take criticism.

No, it's not the outfit,
per se wise.

It's the pedicure.
A little naughty?

Klinger, the one thing
that General MacArthur
may not understand

at a military hospital
four miles from the front

is a flower girl
with a 5:00 shadow.

I just can't have you traipse
around while his nibs is here.

Sir, you can't be serious.

This is my big chance
to get out.

General MacArthur
can discharge anybody!

Harry Truman if he wants.

No dice, fella.

Please, Colonel.

I won't smile at him or say
I'm pregnant or anything.

All right,
I'll tell you what.

I'll give you three days
R and R in Tokyo.

You leave
before Big Mac arrives.

- Okay?
- What good is that?

He'll be here
and I'll be there.

Well, it's either that
or put you under tent arrest,

tied to a bedpost
if we have to.

And I'd hate to
do that, Klinger!

I've worked so very
hard for this, sir.

Easy, guy.

It hasn't been easy,
smiling through the makeup.

I'm sorry, Klinger.

Better dismiss me, sir,
before my mascara starts.

Dismissed.

Okay, another stitch here
and we'll be finished.

Some more 30 chromic, and
quickly! You know my temper.

-Yes, doctor.
-Sponge that, please, Nurse.

I still think we oughta do
an operation for MacArthur.

We could even
operate on him.

Hey, now, that's
a great idea.

Maybe remove his pipe.

We could suck him out
through his own stem.

-You wanna finish here
for me, please?
-Yes, Doctor.

My two favorite words.

What's your work
assignment, Trap?

Supervise cleanup
of the garbage dump.

Oh, the assignments
are based on personality!

- Funny! What's yours?
- Entertainment committee.

Oh, you gonna inflate
your sleeping bag and do
your Kate Smith imitation?

No. I got something
better planned.

Okay, this guy's
all retreaded.
He's ready for the ward.

-Orderly!
-No orderlies around, Doctor.

What do you mean,
no orderlies?

They're all out there
manicuring the rocks.

I couldn't even get
an X-ray on this guy.

Are we running a hospital or
a motel for visiting demigods?

It's Frank,
the all-purpose idiot.

He's been like a crazed weasel
ever since this thing started.

Why don't we have his legs
ironed for the inspection?

Kellye, give me a hand here,
will you?

Beginning to look
like real army,

thanks to you, Major.
Darling.

Well, I just made up my mind

General MacArthur
wasn't gonna catch us

with our "thesies"
and "thosies" down.

MARGARET:
Oh, Frank!

FRANK:
Super-duper!

That little twerp
really did a good job.

Let's just soak it in
for a minute.

I'm soaking, Margaret.

Oh!

Oh, he's so handsome!

So commanding.

-Who's the little guy?
-President Truman.

Well, that's about
the size of it, I guess.

-[giggling]
-Frank, please
don't laugh in here.

[whispering]
Sorry, Margaret.

I can't wait to meet him.

-We're practically family.
-Yes, darling.

Dad and he fought
the Huks together

in the Philippines.

-Fought the whos?
-The Huks.

-A rebellious native tribe.
-Oh, thoseHuks!

At home on the mantel,
we have a picture
he autographed.

"Best wishes to my friend,
'Howitzer' Al Houlihan.

"Knock 'em dead, fella."

That's so warm, so human.

At Christmas, they exchange
shrunken tribesman's heads.

Well, you don't forget
a little thing like that.

This is where he'll sleep.

I'll bet he sleeps deeper
than most people.

Frank, do I dare?

Well, Margaret, you
are practically family.

Your eyes are sparkling
like club soda.

I feel so...

I don't know.

I feel pretty
"I don't know" myself.

-My face is hot.
-Uh-huh.

And there's a lump
in my throat.

Let me kiss it.

-Oh, Margaret!
-Oh, Doug!

All right, everyone
into formation, please.

-Ah, uh, Colonel Blake?
-HENRY: Yo!

Colonel Blake, if you will.
Here, sir.

McIntyre, on the other side
of Major Houlihan.

Could you hold this,
sir, please?

And Captain Spalding,
on the end right here.

Right there,
Captain Spalding.

Uh-huh.

Now make this good, Pierce.

This is going into
the memorial album.

Right, boss.
And get in the front row.

I wanna catch those eyes.

Wilco.

Keep 'em spinning
counter-clockwise.

All right, everybody,
move a few feet to the left.

Just a few steps.

Okay.

Now take just
a few steps to the right.

Perfect. Hold it.

[shutter clicking]

Got it.
Thank you.

I had my eyes shut.

That's okay.
So did I.

Reviewing stand to convoy.

Are you ready? Over.

RADAR:
Convoy to reviewing stand.
Ready over here. Over.

Move out!
This is a rehearsal.

Repeat.
This is a rehearsal.

Shut up, Frank!

Shut up.

That's not gin.

No, vodka.
It's only a rehearsal.

How could you drink
at a time like this?

With a little luck,
we'll get sick.

["Stars and Stripes Forever"
playing on loudspeaker]

Company, ten-hut!

Present arms!

Eyes left!

♪♪

He's much shorter
than I thought.

He shrunk.
All that walking on water.

General MacArthur, sir.

I've waited
the whole war to meet you.

Klinger, I warned you!

I want a rehearsal,
too, sir.

I wanna show you
I can do it in good taste.

I'm a psycho, sir.

I'm a nutburger,
a jellybean.

I got more dresses
than your wife.

Klinger!

Let me out, General.
I'll kiss your pipe.

Go, Klinger, go.

Get that moron
out of there!

Sir, let me stay!
I'll change my clothes!

HENRY:
Promise?

Have I ever lied
to you, sir?

Take him away.

Sir, no!
I'll wear something drab.

You'll be proud of me, sir!

I think they took
away the wrong moron.

-Speak.
-Oh.

General MacArthur,
I bid you hail and welcome

to the 4077th Mobile
Army Surgical Hospital.

Although I have bid welcome
to other dignitaries,

this is the highest bidding
I have ever had the privilege.

TOGETHER:
Of.

Of. Privilege.

-Thank you, Colonel--
-Blake.

Thank you, Blake.

Introductions!
Introductions!

Sir, may I present
my staff, General?

Yes.

Two of my captains.

Captain Sodom
and Captain Gomorrah.
He's Gomorrah.

-General, I've heard
a lot about you, sir.
-Most of it infantile.

Ah, thank you.

And, uh, Major Burns.

And his maiden aunt,
Major Houlihan.

-They're not supposed
to say that. That's--
-Quit horsing around.

General, as a memento
of this great honor,

I have prepared
a souvenir book

with pictures
and a complete history
of the 4077th.

Which will be on sale
in the lobby as you
leave the theater.

Here, General,
you see a picture of--

How did that
get in there?

No lock on
the latrine door.

Colonel!

Well, for crooning
out loud, Frank,

it's just a rehearsal!

I know, sir, but--

MAN [on intercom]:
Attention, all personnel!

General MacArthur has just
passed Checkpoint Able.

He'll be here in seconds!

This is not a rehearsal!

This is a real emergency!

Please, sir, over here, sir.

-Colonel.
-Here.

Company, ten-hut!

Present arms!

Eyes left!

["Stars and Stripes Forever"
playing on loudspeaker]

♪ Yeah, Big Mac is coming

♪ He'll put an end
to this war ♪

♪ Oh, the U.N. decided
it was time ♪

♪ For Mac to take
an encore ♪

♪ Oh, how I yearn
to hear Mac say ♪

♪ I shall return once more

♪♪ [theme plays]