All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S03E20 - Love and Marriage (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

Metzenbaum.

-HAWKEYE: Any time, Frank.
-Quiet.

Well, just do something

before the patient
dies of boredom.

Well, if Kwang
were half an assistant,

he'd have the instruments
in my hands

without my thinking.

What's that for? Oh, right.

Can I be of any help?

Careful, Father, he'll cut
right through your beads.

I don't need this abuse!

We do.

Hey, come on, people,
just once, huh?

Well, thank the stars.

Someday
this'll all be over,

and I can go home
and hang up my shingle.

"Frank Burns,
Exterminator."

Colonel!

-McIntyre.
-Pierce!

-Colonel!
-Richardson.

[clang]

Now you see
what you've done?

-Sorry, Doctor.
-MULCAHY: I'll get it.

Now, that is the work of
a bungling incompetent.

Don't be so hard
on yourself, Frank.

You stay out of this,
you buttinski!

Now what?

Between this inept orderly

and the backbiting in here--

I did not bite his back,

but I did pinch his tushy.

Sorry, Father.

W-What exactly
is a tushy?

I cannot work
in this madhouse!

Find us a sane war
somewhere, Frank.

Get us two seats down front.

It's the same thing
every time in the O.R.

with those two boobs--

tension, insults,
bickering.

Frank, I don't know why
you let them bother you.

You know you're
a good surgeon.

Of course I know
I'm a terrific surgeon.

Who said "terrific"?
I said "fair."

You said "good."

I think all you docs
are doing a great job.

Oh, thanks, McShane,
but saving lives,

that's all
in a day's work.

Well, let's all have
a slice of humble pie.

Doctor,

I hope my clumsiness

in no way interfered with
your performance today.

Hey, you express yourself
real good, Mr. Kwang.

Oh, you can bet
he memorized that speech.

Can't you tell, Frank?
I'm a ventriloquist.

Try it again.
I think your lips moved.

An apology is not
enough, Mr. Kwang.

You're going to have to
shape up around here.

Or we won't save
your country.

Come on, Frank.
Get off his back.

He does good work.

Well, why do you reserve
all your praise for them?

How come you never
have a "good job"

to a clean-cut boy
like McShane here?

-Good job, clean-cut boy.
-Oh.

Take two Norman Rockwells
out of petty cash.

Oh, thank you.

Thank God Henry
runs the hospital.

The war'd be no fun
without him.

Makes you glad he mugged
that med student

and stole his diploma.

Oh, Mr. Kwang.

Why don't you join us
for the happy hour?

Thank you, sir.

Hope you like martinis.

We've got some new
Beefeater's formaldehyde.

I'll play bartender.

Oh, that's nice.

He has a cleanliness
fetish.

Mr. Kwang?

Thank you, Doctor.

First of all,

we'd like to apologize
for Frank Burns

on behalf of
the United States--

as well as
Canada and Mexico.

Please don't
let him bother you.

He's harmless,

unless you're
under his care.

He's under a lot of tension.

Unlike the rest of us,

who are just over here
to put on The Student Prince.

You know, your command
of our language

is really
very impressive.

Thank you, sir.

You must have
studied somewhere.

You certainly can't learn
English from Americans.

I was a student at
the University of Seoul

when the war broke out.

So much for school.

Walking there one day,

two soldiers jumped
out of a truck

and threw me
into the back.

At that moment,

I realized
I'd volunteered.

Yeah, we've heard a lot

about those
draft board trucks.

They get about
22 recruits to the gallon.

Eliminates the
suspense of wondering

if you can pass the physical.

Fortunately, I was sent
to the 121st hospital,

where a medical
officer felt

I had surgical aptitude.

I'm very grateful
to him.

Well, let's face it:

medical officers
are sweethearts.

I welcomed
the transfer here,

since your reputation
as skillful surgeons

is well known.

Somebody's reading those
leaflets we dropped.

Tipseedah.

-Shalom.
-Also.

I have only one regret
in being sent here.

What is it? We're
publishing a catalogue.

When I was drafted,
I did not have chance

to say goodbye
to my wife.

I have not seen her since.

Well, that's no sweat.

We'll get you
a three day pass.

I've tried.
They said impossible.

Naturally.
Every unit is assigned
an impossible officer.

Leave it to us, Mr. Kwang.

MAN [on P.A.]: Attention.

Will all doctors
assigned to premarital exams

please report for duty?

Ah, I hear
the Korean love call.

Doctor,
thank you very much.

A pass just takes
a lot of ingenuity.

And a little forgery.

-One for the road?
-I better not.

It takes a steady hand
for a Wasserman.

In a minute, Mother.

-In a minute.
-Sign this, sir.

Everything seems to be
okay here, Sergeant.

Ditto here, too.

Just take this
over to the colonel,

and he'll sign
your adoption papers.

I'm not gonna
adopt her, Doc.

She's gonna be my bride.

Of course, she'll make
a charming little wife.

You can get her into
the movies for half price.

Over here.

You got any three day
passes on you?

I don't want to get in Dutch.

You wanna see any more
books on reproduction?

Wait here.

We are not
giving away teeth.

No teeth today.

Just sign there, sir.

Well, you're not getting
married, are you, Radar?

Uh, not to
my knowledge, sir.

Well, then, can't it wait?

I mean, I've got
so many things to sign,

I don't even know
what I'm signing.

Yes, sir.

Top secret, sir.

Oh? Well, what is it?

Well, I'm not
supposed to know,

but you must know,

otherwise they wouldn't
want you to sign it.

Right.

So if you'll just sign
below my hand there,

I'll just, uh,
close my eyes and--

Gotcha.

-Okay.
-Thank you, sir.

Oh, Radar,

will you get the keys
to the teeth?

-Uh, yes, sir-- teeth.
-Gonna get you some teeth.

Get the keys,
and then the teeth.

One three day pass.

Bless your little
belly button.

Keys for the teeth.

Ready for the next?

Okay, Father.

Uh, hi, Docs.

McShane.

Yeah, I-I, uh,
came for a physical.

I-I'd like to get married.

Does Judge Hardy
know about this?

You interested
in a local girl?

Yes, sir. Soong Hi.

Uh-huh.

Uh, look, uh, we'll be
right with you, okay?

Just a minute.

Uh, haven't we seen her
somewhere before?

Yeah,
at Rosie's Bar.

She's been on
that same stool

-through two wars.
-Mm-hmm.

With a change maker
in her purse.

Um-- Uh, would you,
uh, just, uh...

Wait over here for us.

Yeah, and, uh, Private,
could we, uh--

We'll be just a minute.

Will you four
lovely people

just come along
with me, please?

Where did you
meet this woman?

She's hardly
a woman, sir.

She's only
21 years old.

[chuckling]

Her mascara's
older than that.

Sir?

Sorry.

Look, kid, when you're
this far away from home,

your perspective gets
a little out of whack,

you start to lose
your objectivity.

And she gets
your P.X. card.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's-It's not like that, sir.

We really love each other.

You written
home about this?

No, sir.

When you walk into
the house together,

your mother's gonna fall
into her apple pie.

While it's still
in the oven.

You know that I don't have
to ask for your permission,

only a physical.

Look, kid,

it's rough over here
for all of us--

fetid water,
Civil War leftovers.

I personally know
three bedbugs

by their
first names,

but that's not
gonna go on forever.

Yeah, why can't
you just, uh, wait

for a couple of
months or so?

-Why?
-Call it a cooling off period.

But I don't want
to cool off.

I wanna get married now.

Couple of months
isn't very long

for two people
who are really in love.

Yeah.

All right, I'll wait.

-Good.
-But just two weeks.

Okay, two weeks.

Right, that'll
make the gang

at the malt shop
very happy.

HAWKEYE: Radar, if you're
gonna eat pickles,
don't touch the cards.

Even when I get
a good hand, it stinks.

TRAPPER:
I open for a half.

-I'm in.
-Me too.

All right. I'll see you,
and I'll raise you--

Where's my other chip?

Well, don't look at me.

What, you want
to search us?

-Radar.
-Yeah?

-You ate my chip.
-I did?

Probably the only digestible
thing he's had all night.

Is it possible?

Captain, are you in or out?

All right.
I'll raise you a half,

and I'm shy one chip
that Radar ate.

And if you don't believe me,
I'll have him X-rayed.

-You in?
-Oh, yeah.

Call.

-In.
-Call.

What do you want,
Radar?

Um... Um, three cards.

And a glass
of mineral oil.

-Gimme three.
-Uh-huh.

I'm pat.

Gimme one.

Dealer takes one.

Okay, you're the raiser.
What do you say?

Uh, check.

-Check.
-I bet a buck.

-Call.
-I'm shy four.

-A buck?
-El fold-o.

Two pair--
bullets and jacks.

Ha-ha! Flush. Ha ha ha!

Henry...

they're all the same color.

Too bad they're not
the same suit.

Two, three, four hearts,
and a diamond.

I gotta get some R and R.

Three treys, or trey
threes, if you like.

The rich get richer.

The soul of grace.

Why do the officers
win the big pots

when they got everything
else goin' for 'em?

Don't give me any of that
poor G.I. crapola, Zale.

You mailed home three jeeps
and two-thirds of a truck.

You're not doing
that, are you?

I know in my next life
I'd want to be an offiicer.

I had you down
for pussycat.

It's not just the money.

You officers live better,
you eat better,

and then
there's the nurses.

You think we like playing
around with the nurses?

We have to. It's part
of their recruiting program.

If there was one of those
big-mouth sergeants here,

he'd say "Blow it out
your stethoscope, sir."

Some enlisted men aren't
even allowed to fall in love.

Jacks and better.

They can fall in love
with anybody they want,

as long as it's
another enlisted man.

-Danny McShane's in love.
-Uh-huh.

Radar, we're trying
to do him a favor.

McShane's a lonely kid
a long way from home.

-He's all mixed up.
-ZALE: Oh?

Did you ever see him
lay down a flush

with four hearts
and a diamond?

Open for a buck.

Don't make it sound
like we're breaking up

Donald O'Connor
and Peggy Ryan.

That woman's got a lot
of miles on her clock.

Yeah, but it's
his decision, sir.

I don't know. Maybe
we should butt out.

So what if she only
wants to take him?

Look, on a cold night
in Korea,

with the wind blowing
in off Siberia,

you can't get warm shackin' up
with your P.X. card, you know.

You got a touch
of the poet in you, Zale.

-[shouting]
-You hear that?

-Sounds like a fight.
-Get out!

Don't tell me you've got
a pass. I want to see it.

Probably another attempt
on the cook's life.

-Come on.
-Let's go.

Come on, come on.

I believe you will find

it has been duly
and properly authorized

by the commanding officer.

Oh, shut up. I heard enough
of your pidgin English.

This is a forgery, fella.

FRANK: Where do you
think you're going?

-Gimme three cards.
-Oh, stop him! Stop that man!

-Shouldn't somebody
see what's happening?
-Sentry, stop that man!

Maybe one of you officers
ought to rush out there

-and make a decision.
-Move it! I warned you!

[gunshot]

That sounded like
a shot fired in anger.

Uh, Radar, go take a look.

Me, sir?

Now's your chance
for that next life.

-Colonel Blake?
-Yo.

Did you authorize this pass

for that Korean national
what's-his-name?

-Hey!
-Don't point that gun.

-Come on, put it away, Frank.
-Which one?

The one who fakes English
so literate. Mr. Kwang.

I didn't give him
a pass.

-I thought as much.
-Hey, can we play cards?

It has
my signature.

I knew it was a forgery!

-Yes, sir, that is
your signature.
-It is?

-Yeah, see the fat "K"
and the skinny "A"?
-Yeah.

-I'd know your A-K
anywhere, sir.
-It's your bet.

I caught him climbing
into a truck,

and when I saw the fake pass,

I ordered him down,
but he's run off.

Now, you can charge him
with desertion.

Let me bet first.

Is that why we heard
a shot outside?

Well, I fired a warning,
but he just kept running.

Frank, will you put
that gun down?

It's as offensive
a weapon as your mouth.

Okay, scaredy cat,

but I can handle
a firearm

with the best of 'em.

[shouting]

-Sirs?
-That's us.

Uh, someone in your tent
to see you sirs.

-Male or female?
-Uh, male.

Well, you can't
win 'em all.

Sir, could I
have that book now?

I got an hour off,

and I got-- I got
an hour off. Hello.

My luck
is still lousy.

Look who's here.

Gentlemen.

Dr. Pak, isn't it?

I'm flattered
you remember me, sir.

I recognized the dirt
under your nails.

Still doing those
phony operations

with the fake stitches?

And using hair cream
for penicillin?

I examined one of
your patients, Doctor.

He still had pneumonia,

but I must say
you cleared up his dandruff.

If you are finished, sirs,

I would like to make you
a proposition.

In conjunction
with my medical practice,

I am in a new business.

Headstones?

I understand you are trying
to prevent the marriage

of Private McShane
and a Miss Soong Hi.

What's it to you?

I am prepared to offer
each of you $250

if you okay her physical.

Just what business
are you in?

Marriage broker.

I arrange matches between
Korean girls and G.I.s

to enable the girls to go
to your wonderful stateside.

Ah. Where they, uh...

Work for some
friends of mine.

Uh-huh, night work.

250 bucks apiece, huh?

In the future,
I assure you more money,

but Private McShane
insisted

on a thousand dollars
for himself.

This marriage was made

just a few feet lower
than in heaven.

Clean-cut American boy.

Those freckles
must be pasties.

You know, sir,

you might just go down
in medical history.

How's that?

As the first doctor

to set two broken legs,

and both of them his own.

-Come on, come on back!
-Hey! Hey!

Mr. Kwang.

You know you're up
on desertion charges?

I was trying to get
to my village.

Who isn't?

I received word
from my wife.

She is about to give birth
to our first child.

Well, why didn't you tell us?

C.O.'s this way,
fellas.

Yeah, you wait outside now.
We'll do the talking.

I'm going to be
a father!

Good, you can pass out cigars
to the firing squad.

Henry, you can't charge
a man with desertion

if he had a pass
signed by you.

And you can't
call it a forgery.

It's got your
signature on it.

A person can't
forge his own name.

Radar, let me see
the pass again.

-Here's the pass again, sir.
-Thank you.

I just don't
remember signing this.

Well, who's to blame
if you have amnesia?

Aw, don't give me
that amnesia bit.

I remember seeing this
last night at the poker game.

BOTH:
What poker game?

Radar, didn't we play
poker last night?

If you say so, sir.

Oh, I get it,

you're trying to
gaslight me, right?

Come on, Henry,
let him go.

No! It's not that easy.

I mean, I got people writing
reports on me all the time.

Every move I make is watched.

Frank.
What are you doin'?

Security.
Just checking the lock.

With your ear?

Get out, Frank.

Well, I never
meant to come in.

-Henry!
-Henry, this is an emergency.

Mr. Kwang's wife
is having a baby.

Her first.

And what makes it
really exciting

-is Mr. Kwang's the father.
-Uh-huh.

Aw, gee, sir,
it sure would be swell

if we could get this
Korean mommy and daddy

with their little baby
all together

in the same place.

Will you cut it out?

All right, he can't
have the pass,

but I will drop
the charges.

-Oh!
-Henry, that's
very decent of you.

Would you like
to try for human?

Yeah, what about
Mr. Kwang's wife?

Can't we do
something for her?

Hey, there's a war on,
remember?

Most of these women
have to have their babies

in a rice paddy
and then go back to work.

Henry, we all saw
The Good Earth.

Hey, what is that?

A 20-year-old movie.

We're getting that
next week.

Hey, I would like to
give Mr. Kwang a pass,

but there'd be hell
to pay at H.Q.

All right, then
Radar and I will go.

Where?

To pick up Mrs. Kwang.
She can have her baby here.

Oh, fine, fine.
That's all we
need is a baby.

-Come on.
-You know, we don't have

any diapers around here
or anything.

Can we borrow some
of your shorts?

Okay.

The village is Quang Sun,

east ten miles
off the main road.

Pretty close
to enemy lines.

Quite so, Doctor.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

How close is it
to the Chinese?

Well, I don't want
to scare you, Radar,

but the grocery stores
are stocking up

-on fortune cookies.
-Ha-ha, sir.

How do you wish me
good luck in Korean?

[speaking Korean]

I thought so.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Uh, you sent for me, Doc?

Ah, yeah, McShane.

Come on in.

Sit down.

I, uh, just wanted
to congratulate you

on your, uh,
upcoming wedding.

Well, thank you, sir.

Oh, I heard that you
and Captain Pierce

had given Soong Hi
her physical.

I sure do appreciate
that, sir.

I imagine you're gonna
have quite a honeymoon.

Well, I'm trying to
scrape up enough money

to go to Tokyo, sir.

Well, you can go further
than that on a thousand bucks.

Sir?

Now don't play
Huck Finn with me, kid.

Dr. Pak told us
all about the racket.

I don't know any Dr. Pak, sir.

The doctor with
the Parker Brothers diploma.

He gives you a thousand clams

to marry Broadway Rose East,

then, after the ceremony,
you two part company.

She goes to work for
Pak's friends in the States

at the corner of
42nd Street and somewhere.

And you run to the post office
for a money order.

Really, sir--

You give me one more "sir,"

and I'm going to
prescribe a 24-hour enema.

Okay, okay.

Now, listen, why
shouldn't an enlisted man

get in on the gravy?

Hey, everybody else is
making a buck over here.

Why shouldn't I?

[knocking on door]

Yeah?

Radiology, Doc.

Thanks.

D-Don't sweat it,
Captain.

Call the thousand dollars
the bride's dowry,

an old Korean tradition.

Hey, boy next door.

There's another old Korean
tradition.

It's called tuberculosis.

What?

I'm afraid there's
a shadow on the lung

of the former
future Mrs. McShane.

Come on, you're just saying
that to blow my deal.

Your deal is blown.

Take a look.

Of course, at a
thousand bucks a shot,

I'm sure you'll be able
to find true love again.

How long is the trip
back to the base, sir?

About three hours.

How long have we
been on the road?

A little over
15 minutes.

Now I'm sorry
we weren't captured.

[moaning]

-You having pains?
-Yes, sir.

I was talking
to Mrs. Kwang.

Ma'am?

Is it one long,
steady pain,

or does it
come and go?

The pain comes,
and the pain goes.

Mine's one long,
steady one.

Uh-oh.

Really?

I think she's
going into labor.

What does that mean?

It means she's
about to give birth.

Right here? On this bus?

In front of me?

Yeah, right here
in this bus.

What do I do, give her a
transfer, tell her to wait?

I mean,
I need your help.

Can you get up, please?

Come back here, okay?
Take it easy.

Be careful.

Don't strain yourself.

-Gently.
-She can get up here.

Easy. I'm gonna lift you now.

-All right, watch your head.
-Easy. Oh!

Listen, maybe if
we lift her feet up,

it'll slow things
up a little.

Go get my bag.

Where were you when they were
teaching this in school?

I must have been
out that year.

I'm gonna need your help.

But I'm no good
at delivering babies!

When the cat had kittens,
they sent me to the movies!

Radar, there's nothing to it.
It's a natural experience.

So is fainting!

Aah!

Aah!

Don't worry,
you'll be all right.

Um, shouldn't I get some
hot water or something?

There's no time for that.

I'd be very glad

to get out
and look for some.

Maybe there's a hot river
near here--

-Radar!
-...like at Yellowstone!

Come on, I need your help.
Just hold her hand.

She and I will do the rest.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.

You'll be all right.

Oh, sure, easy for you.

Oh, don't do that!

Aah!

MRS. KWANG: [moaning]

RADAR: Oh, my God!

[baby crying]

It's a boy,
Mr. Kwang.

He and his mother
are doing fine.

I cannot thank you
enough, Doctor.

Tough delivery?

Fortunately, I brought
along a specialist.

[baby crying]

That is one cute
little fella.

Thank you.

Isn't he somethin'?

"Radar Benjamin Franklin
Trapper John Henry Kwang."

Radar, you got top billing.

For giving me the pass.

For giving you--
Radar.

He didn't mean
what he meant, sir.

-I want you to sign my name.
-Uh, sir, I have something--

-I want you to sign my name.
-Sir, I never signed--

-Hey, hey--
-Hey, hold it.

-This is a hospital!
-I know. I come here
all the time.

-Really?
-Oh, yeah. Haven't
you seen me here?

Yeah, you're
the doctor in Ward C?

Yes, I did that wonderful
appendectomy...

♪♪ [theme]